Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1

by E. W. Cole

Page 101—Old Men Tales

Jack Sprat Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean, And so between them both They licked the platter clean. Jack ate all the lean, Joan ate all the fat, The bone they both picked clean, Then gave it to the cat. When Jack Sprat was young, He dressed very smart, He courted Joan Cole, And soon gained her heart; In his fine leather doublet And old greasy hat, Oh! what a smart fellow Was little Jack Sprat. Joan Cole had a hole In her petticoat, Jack Sprat, to get a patch, Gave her a groat. The groat bought a patch Which stopped the hole, "I thank you, Jack Sprat," Says little Joan Cole. Jack Sprat was the bridegroom, Joan Cole was the bride, Jack said from the church His Joan home should ride. But no coach could take her, The road was so narrow; Said Jack, "Then I'll take her Home in a wheelbarrow." Jack Sprat was wheeling His wife by a ditch, Then the barrow turned over, And in she did pitch. Says Jack, "She'll be drown'd!" But Joan did reply, "I don't think I shall, For the ditch is quite dry." Jack brought home his Joan, And she sat in a chair, When in came his cat, That had got but one ear. Says Joan "I've come home, Puss, Pray how do you do?" The cat wagg'd her tail And said nothing but "mew." Jack Sprat took his gun, And went to the brook; He shot at the drake, But he killed the duck. He bought it home to Joan, Who a fire did make, To roast the fat duck While Jack went for the drake. The drake was swimming With his curly tail, Jack Sprat came to soot him, But happened to fail. He let off his gun, But missing the mark, The drake flew away Crying "Quack, quack, quack." Jack Sprat to live pretty Now bought him a pig, It was not very little, It was not very big; It was not very lean, It was not very fat, "It will serve for a grunter," Said little Jack Sprat. Then Joan went to market To buy her some fowls, She bought a jackdaw And a couple of owls; The owls were white, The jackdaw was black, "They'll make a rare breed," Says little Joan Sprat. Jack Sprat bought a cow, His Joan to please, For Joan could make Both butter and cheese; Or pancakes or puddings Without any fat; A notable housewife Was little Joan Sprat. Joan Sprat went to brewing A barrel of ale, She put in some hops That it might not turn stale; But as for the malt— She forgot to put that; "This is a brave sober liquor." Said little Jack Sprat. Jack Sprat went to market And bought him a mare, She was lame of three legs, An as blind as she could stare. Her ribs they were bare, For the mare had no fat; "She looks like a racer," Said little Jack Sprat. Jack and Joan went abroad, Puss looked after the house; She caught a large rat, And a very small mouse, She caught a small mouse, And a very large rat, "You're an excellent hunter," Said little Jack Sprat. Now I've told you the story Of little Jack Sprat, Of sweet Joan Cole And the poor one-ear'd cat; Now Jack he loved Joan, And good things he taught her, Then she gave him a son, Then after a daughter. Now Jack has got rich, And has plenty of pelf; If you know any more you may tell it yourself.

Cross Old Man There was a cross old man and what do you think, He lived on nothing but victuals and drink; Victuals and drink were his principal diet, Yet this crabbed old man would never be quiet. He teased a poor monkey, who lived in a cage, Till the animal got in a terrible rage, And seized on his nose with finger so strong, That it stretched it until it was quite a yard long.

Old Man in the Moon The man in the moon came tumbling down, And asked his way to Norwich, He went by the south, and burnt his mouth, With supping cold pease-porridge.

A Funny Man There was a man of Newington, And he was wondrous wise, He jump'd into a quickset hedge And scratch'd out both his eyes. But when he saw his eyes were out With all his might and main He jump'd into another hedge. And scratched them in again.

Dr. Faustus Doctor Faustus was a good man, He whipt his scholars now and then. When he did he made them dance Out of Scotland into France; Out of France into Spain, And then he whipped them back again.

If! If! If! If all the would was apple pie, And all the seas were ink, And all the trees were bread and cheese, What would we have to drink? It's enough to make an old man Scratch his head and think.

Funny Men Alderman Absolute Always Adjudicated with Astonishing Ability After he had read some books from Cole's Book Arcade. Benjamin Bouncer Banged a Brown Bear with a Blunderbuss, In a lane at the back of Cole's Book Arcade. Christopher Crabstick was Cross, Captious, Cutting, and Caustic, Whenever he could not get a book brought from Cole's Book Arcade. Francis Fizgig Ferociously Fought and Frightened a Fiddler, At midday, right in front of Cole's Book Arcade. Gregory Gimcrack Grinned and Gaped at the Geese and Ganders Exposed for sale in the Eastern Market, just above Cole's Book Arcade. Horatio Headstrong Hurled a Hatchet at the Head of a Hawk Which sat on top of Cole's Book Arcade. Isaac Ichabod Inhabited an Isolated and Inhospitable Indian Island, At an enormous and disheartening distance from Cole's Book Arcade. Lugubrious Longface Loved Learning and Literary Lore, Which he always got out of the books he bought at Cole's Book Arcade. Marmaduke Meddlesome Munificently Meted out Mercy to a Miserable Man Who stole a book at Cole's Book Arcade. Obadiah Orpheus Opened an Original Overture Outrageously Oddly, With a small whistle and a big drum, in front of Cole's Book Arcade. Quinton Querulous Queerly Questioned a Quibbling and Querulous Quidnunc, And asked Quizzingly if he had ever seen the inside of Cole's Book Arcade. Reuben Ramble Ran a Ridiculous Rattling Race on a Railway, And beat the train in hasting to get a book at Cole's Book Arcade. Theodore Thunderbolt Told Terrible and Tremendous Tales of Travelling, Which were afterwards printed in books and sold at Cole's Book Arcade. Valentine Valiana Valorously Vanquished a Vapouring Villager, Who spoke ignorantly and slightingly of Cole's Book Arcade. Xenophon Xenocles eXhibited eXtraordinary and eXcessive eXcitability Whenever he was not calmed down by books from Cole's Book Arcade. Young Yokel, a Youthful Yorkshire Yeoman Yawned at York, For want of a few interesting and entertaining books from Cole's Book Arcade. Zachariah Zany Zealously studied Zoology Out of the works which he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

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