Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1

by E. W. Cole

Page 102—Old Men Tales

Utter Nonsense There was an Old Person of Prague, Who was suddenly seized with the plague, But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter, And cured that Old Person of Prague. There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long, But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!" So they smashed that Old Man with a gong. There was an Old Man of the Isles, Whose face was pervaded with smiles, He sang "Hi dum diddle," played on the fiddle, That amiable Old Man of the Isles. There was an Old Person of Dover, Who rushed through a field of blue clover; But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees, So he very soon went back to Dover. There was an Old Man of Quebec,— A beetle ran over his neck: But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beetle!" That angry Old Man of Quebec. There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius; When the flames burned his book, to drinking he took, That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius. There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamour, By smashing that Old Person of Buda. There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils, They caught several fish which they put in a dish, And sent to their Pa at Marseilles. There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense, He went with one prance from Turkey to France, That surprising Old Man of Coblenz. There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!" That mendacious Old Person of Gretna. There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger; He tore off his boots and subsisted on roots, That borascible Person of Bangor. There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sat on a chair, with his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain. There was an Old Man of the West, Who never could get any rest; So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin, Which cured that Old Man of the West. There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a bee; When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes it does! It's a regular brute of a bee!" There was an Old Man who said, "How, Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? I will sit on this stile and continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of this Cow." There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter, Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta. There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South. There was an Old Person of Dutton, Whose head was as small as a button; So to make it look big, he purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton. There was an Old Man of some rocks, Who shut his wife up in a box; When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt You will pass all your life in that box," There was an Old Person of Rheims, Who was troubled with horrible dreams; So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, Which amused that Old Person of Rheims. There was an Old Man with a flute, A "sarpent" ran into his boot; But he played day and night, till the "sarpent" took flight, And avoided that Man with a flute. There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin. There was an Old Man of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon to examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

A horrid Old Gentleman from Monaghan, Sat down and refused to go on again, Till they gave him a crown for leaving the town, That wretched old humbug of Monaghan. There was an Old Man if Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue They mended that Man of Nepaul. There was an Old Man of Aoster, Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see she has rushed up a tree? You invidious Old Man of Aosta!" There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file, Till he cuts of his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes Of sharpening one's nails with a file!" There was an Old Person of Rhodes, Who strongly objected to toads; He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, That futile Old Person of Rhodes. There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born; So he sat on a chair until he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn. There was an Old Person whose habits Induced him to feed upon rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits. There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" That remarkable Man with a nose. There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia. There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-coloured ass; But the length of its ears so promoted his fears That it killed that Old Man of Madras. There was an Old Person of Sparta, Whose had twenty-five sons and one daughter; He fed them snails, and weighed them on scales, That wonderful Person of Sparta. There was an Old Person of Chilli, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chilli. There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such That it killed that Old Man of the East. There was an Old Man of Peru, Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, That intrinsic Old Man of Peru. There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No you a'int!" he was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat. There was an Old Man of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia, But one day, to his grief, she married a thief, Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia. There was an Old Person of Basing, Whose presence of mind was amazing; He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed And escaped from the people of Basing. There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom if ever stood still; He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown, Which adorned that Old Man on a hill. There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, Who never had more than a penny, He spent all that money on onions and honey, That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny. There was an Old Person of Perth, The stingiest fellow on earth; He fed—oh! 'twas cruel—on seaweed and gruel, This stingy Old Person of Perth. A dogmatic Old Fellow of Shoreham, Would snub his companions and bore 'em, By flat contradiction, which was an affliction To the friends of this party of Shoreham. There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs, That lively Old Person of Ischia. There was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not athirst; When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered, "What matter?" That globular Person of Hurst.

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