Page 125—Riddles And Catches

Riddles About Babies And Ladies
Why is a new-born baby like a gale of wind?
Because it begins with a squall.
When is a baby not a baby?
When it is a little duck.
Why is an infant like a diamond?
Because it is a dear little thing.
When is a soldier like a baby?
When he is in arms.
When is butter like Irish children?
When it is made into little Pats.
Why is a church-clock like a little boy often receiving a beating?
Because it's hands move over it's face.
Why is a boy like a potato?
Because they both wear jackets.
Why is the earth like a school black-board?
Because the children of men multiply upon the face of it.
Why does a ladies' school, out for a walk, resemble the notes of a flute?
Because it goes two, two, two, two (toot-oot-oot-oot).
What tree is a lady's name?—Olive.
When do young ladies eat a musical instrument?
When they have a Piano-for-tea.
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle?
Because it holds a gall-on.
Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard?
Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the glass.
Why is a flirt like a hollow India-rubber ball?
Because she is very empty and has a deal of bounce.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fashionable young lady?
One faces the powder and the other powders the face.
Why does an engine resemble a young lady?
Because it has a train behind, and puffs in the air (hair).
If a bear were to go into a linen-draper's shop, what would he want?
He would want muzzlin'.
What is the difference between a bantam cock, and a dirty housemaid?
One is a domestic foul and the other a foul domestic.
What were the first words Adam said to Eve?
Nobody knows.
How is it proved that woman was created before man?
Because Eve was the first maid (made).
What Christian name is spelt the same way backwards and forwards?
Hannah.
What is the difference between a person late for the train and a school-mistress?
One misses the train and the other trains the misses.
What Miss is always making blunders?
Mistake.
What Miss plays more tricks than a schoolboy?
Mischief.
What miss occasions a great many quarrels?
Mismanagement.
What is that which ladies look for, and never wish to find?
A hole in their stocking.
What is that which a man nearly always wears in his sleep, frequently takes off and never puts on again?
His beard.

This nice looking man with a beard,
Remarked, "It's just as I feared;
Four larks and a hen, two owls and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard."
What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, and yet has four fingers and a thumb?
A glove.
Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a meeting?
Because there is a gathering there, and sometimes a good deal of bustle.
How does a well-fitting bonnet lose its identity?
Because it "becomes" the lady who wears it.
What is the sweetest thing in bonnets this season?
The ladies' faces.
Why is a kiss like a rumour?
Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
What is the difference between an accepted and rejected lover?
The one kisses his misses, and the other misses his kisses.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works?
Because they soon go off.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies?
Because they want carrying out.
Why are lovers like apples?
Because they are often paired (pared).
Why is first love like a potato?
Because it shoots from the eyes and becomes all the less by pairing (paring).
Which age do most girls wish to attain?
Marri-age.
What kind of men do women like best?
Husband-men.
What ties two people together, yet touches one?
A wedding ring.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen?
Because by doing so he rings his own Nell (knell).
Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride?
Because the bride is given away, while the bridegroom is usually sold.
Why are ladies like bells?
Because you seldom know what metal they are made of till you ring them.
What money lasts longest when you get it?
Matrimony.
Why is matrimony like a besieged city?
Because those who are in it wish to be out, and those who are out wish to be in.
Why are some women like facts?
Because they are stubborn things.
Why are rough seats like domineering wives?
Because they wear the breeches.
Why are husband and wife ten, instead of one?
Because the wife is number one and the husband goes for nought.
Why was the Archbishop of Canterbury like the late Prince Consort?
Because he married the Queen.
Why is a nugget of gold found at Bendigo like the Prince of Wales?
Because it is the produce of Victoria and like to become a sovereign.
Why are ladies great thieves?
Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, and crib their babies.
In what month do ladies talk the least?
In February; because it's the shortest.
What is the difference between ladies and clocks?
One makes us remember time, and the other makes us forget it.
Why is an empty room like another full of married people?
Because there is not a single person in it.

Popular Errors
The commonly received notion that a man may marry his first cousin, but must not marry his second is not true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is in Bourke Street, Melbourne, about half-way between Swanston and Elizabeth Sts. The rumour that a Yankee Gentleman had invented a machine to take the noise out of thunder has turned out not to be true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is open from nine in the morning to ten at night, every working day in the year. The fact that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books is not the cause of the sea being salt—of coca-nuts containing milk— of the growth of big gooseberries, nor of the multitude of great big fibs told annually about a sea-serpent. It is not true that cats will suck the breath of children when they are asleep, but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade contains one interesting cat and 80,000 sorts of interesting books. N.B.—The likeness of Cole's Cat can be seen on page 153.

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