ACT II.
SCENE:—SYLVESTER'S Studio. (The next day.) Doors R. and L. At back cupboard. TEMPENNY discovered painting, ROSALINE posed.
ROSALINE.
I'm getting tired.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Sh! (goes on working frenziedly).
ROSALINE.
I say I'm getting tired.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Wait a minute, and you shall rest. There! now you can move if you like.
ROSALINE (stretching herself).
Thank goodness. Let us look! (Looks at canvas.) Oh!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
What do you think of it?
ROSALINE.
Not much.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Ah, that shows your profound ignorance of the School. It promises to be a superb example. (Contemplates it sideways.) Exquisite!
ROSALINE.
I say, where is your friend?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Who?
ROSALINE.
Didn't you say this studio belonged to a friend of yours?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Oh yes; he hasn't come yet. I expect he will be here this afternoon.
ROSALINE.
What's this? (picking up Mandarin's Wig.) One of his props?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That? That is a Mandarin's wig. Yes, of course it is one of his props. He has just been engaged on a great work: "The Decapitation of a Mandarin after a Chinese Reverse." The gentleman who sat for the Mandarin wore that wig.
ROSALINE.
What a funny subject to choose.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Rather playful, isn't it? He likes 'em like that. That's his forte.
ROSALINE.
What is his name—do I know him?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Charlie Sylvester; and a rattling good chap he is, let me tell you.
ROSALINE (with a shriek).
Oh, my heart! This is fate!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (alarmed.)
I beg your pardon? Don't go off like that. What's the matter?
ROSALINE.
It is He—He who—! Oh, I am going to faint.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
No,—no, for goodness' sake, don't do that. What do you mean by "he?" Here, I say, compose yourself.
ROSALINE.
It is the man I love. The finger of Fate is in it. Where is he? Bring him to me! Charlie, my own!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (very flustered).
Oh I say—look here, you know—? (Aside.) This is the devil and all—Charlie will never forgive me! (Aloud.) My dear good girl, he isn't your "own," I assure you he isn't. There is a Mrs. Sylvester, as you know very well. (Aside.) If he comes in and finds her here, there's an end of all my sittings. What a piece of infernal luck to be sure!
ROSALINE (resolutely).
Where is he?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (sullenly).
I don't know—I suppose he is at home.
ROSALINE.
Fetch him then—let me see his dear face again.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
What???
ROSALINE.
Bring him to me—now, this instant! We have been divided too long already.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
You have, have you?
ROSALINE.
Far, far too long.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside).
I must humour her. (Aloud.) Well, perhaps you have, on second thoughts. Yes, it is a long time.
ROSALINE.
I have never forgotten him. I have always treasured his memory in my soul.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (soothingly).
That was very nice of you. You are a very nice girl—I saw it at once.
ROSALINE.
He used to say that—he used to call me his "Toppett."
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
His little "Toppett?" It is a pretty name, and I am sure he will be delighted to find you here, when he comes. It will be a surprise for him, won't it; quite a surprise! (Aside.) A perfect devil of a surprise!
ROSALINE.
For all he knows I might be dead—dead with the violets blooming over my tomb.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Yes, yes,—buttercups and daisies. (Aside.) I shall get the giddy push from here when he does come; I see it sticking out a foot. (Aloud.) I say, Poppett—I mean "Rosaline," do you feel equal to going on with the sitting till he arrives?
ROSALINE (passively).
As you please—I must live.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside.)
It is doubtful whether Sylvester will see it in the same light. (Aloud.) Well, then, suppose you take up your position again.
(He poses her with much difficulty, as each time he places her arms in the required attitude, she moves to wipe away a tear).
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
There, now we've got it at last. (He goes back to the easel, and commences to work).
ROSALINE.
(Bursting into sobs, and collapsing altogether.) Boo—hoo—hoo!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (despairingly).
Oh, great Jupiter! This is too much! Can't you contain your emotion? I know it is very praiseworthy, but can't you bottle it up? How on earth am I to paint you while you keep going on like this.
(The street-door bell rings).
ROSALINE (joyously).
He! (She clasps her hands and listens.) My heart tells me so!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (disagreeably).
It ain't he—because he never rings. So your heart's told you a lie.
MRS. SYLVESTER (off).
Mr. Sylvester—is he in? Not in? What do you mean?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Snakes!—it's his Missus.
ROSALINE (passionately).
Another wife?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
No, it is the same one—do you think he is the Grand Mogul?—but she will be enough for you if she finds you here, and for me too!
ROSALINE.
I do not fear her. I am doing no harm—I am your Model, brought here by you.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (in terror).
Now look here, you know, don't say that; I won't be mixed up in it! I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the matter! I didn't know who you were, or I wouldn't have brought you within a hundred miles of the place. Hark.
MRS. SYLVESTER (off).
I will wait in his studio till he comes. He ought to have been here long ago.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (in terror).
Ought he! I won't be seen here—I can't. She is a friend of my wife's. I won't be found in your company. I'm a moral man, and she knows you.
ROSALINE (indignantly).
What?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Here, hi, I will be a lay-figure. By George, I've got it—I will be the Mandarin, see!
(He disguises himself with Rosaline's assistance as a Mandarin, and sits cross-legged at back, wagging his head.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
How is that?
ROSALINE.
Beautiful. Hush!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Am I sufficiently impregnated with the Chinese sentiment?
ROSALINE.
I don't know what you mean. Sh! Here she is.
(Enter MRS. SYLVESTER L.)
MRS. SYLVESTER (aside).
A young woman—who is this?
ROSALINE.
Good morning, madam. Who do you wish to see?
MRS. SYLVESTER (with a start).
Can I be deceived? Is it possible you are the—ahem—the person I take you for?
ROSALINE.
I really don't know who you take me for. My name is Rosaline, and I'm a model.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I knew it! How dare you come here—how dare you? Two years ago I forbade you ever to enter my husband's studio again.
ROSALINE.
I did not know it was your husband's studio when I came. I am here to sit to a friend of his.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I'm the friend.
MRS. SYLVESTER (to ROSALINE).
What did you say?
ROSALINE.
I did not speak.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Now let me quite understand you. Do you mean to say that it was not Mr. Sylvester who brought you here?
ROSALINE.
Certainly I do. I came to Mr.—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (in terror aside to ROSALINE).
MR. Brown.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Who did you say? Who is Mr. Brown?
ROSALINE.
I did not say "Mr. Brown." A gentleman engaged me to sit to him, and told me to come here this morning at ten o'clock. He said he was a friend of Mr. Sylvester's.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Then you did know that this was Mr. Sylvester's studio!
ROSALINE.
I did not. He said it belonged to a friend of his, but did not mention his name.
MRS. SYLVESTER (impatiently).
Whose name?
ROSALINE.
His friend's name.
MRS. SYLVESTER (passionately).
Who was this friend, girl? Who told you to come? Answer me.
ROSALINE.
Oh, that is very easy. I was engaged by Mr.—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside to ROSALINE).
MR. Smith.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I do not know any Mr. Smith. Where has he gone?
ROSALINE.
I never said "Mr. Smith."
MRS. SYLVESTER.
What?
ROSALINE.
Certainly not. I have no reason to mind telling the truth. I am naturally a truthful girl. His name was—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside to ROSALINE).
Robinson.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Once and for all—will you tell me the man's name?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside to ROSALINE).
No, never!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
You refuse?
ROSALINE.
No.
MRS. SYLYESTER.
Then why did you say "never?"
ROSALINE.
I never said "Never."
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I warn you, girl, my patience is nearly exhausted.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside).
So am I. My legs ache at the joints.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
You will either make a clean breast of it, or I shall take steps—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside to ROSALINE).
Let her take steps—that's what I want her to do.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Ah, wait—doubtless my husband is in hiding. I will see.
(She opens R.D. and exit.)
ROSALINE (going up to REMBRANDT TEMPENNY angrily).
What do you mean by getting me into all this trouble? What do you mean by it?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Oh, you be hanged—you're a perfect nuisance.
ROSALINE.
What!
(She slaps his face. MRS. SYLVESTER re-enters.)
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I heard a noise.
ROSALINE.
I was playing with the idol, that is all.
(REMBRANDT TEMPENNY wags his head mechanically.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside).
This is a dignified position for a husband and a ratepayer!—the butt of a bad girl!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Your frivolity will avail you nothing. If you were indeed brought here by a friend of Mr. Sylvester's, I can guess who he is. His name is Tempenny, and I shall enquire into the matter at once. (Going.)
ROSALINE.
Of course his name is Tempenny—I never denied it.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY and MRS. SYLVESTER (aside).
What?
ROSALINE.
I am nobody's accomplice—I am an honest woman earning a living. I will tell lies for no one.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (aside).
The cat!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Oh, this is infamous! So Mr. Tempenny assists my husband to deceive me, does he? We will see what his wife has to say to it. Birds of a feather—as I always thought. Abandoned wretches both!
(Exit L.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (springing up).
You mischief-making little beast—what have you done?
ROSALINE.
Don't you talk to me like that—I won't have it!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (furiously).
You won't have it!
ROSALINE.
No, I won't.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
You—you—! You smacked my face!
ROSALINE.
And I'll smack it again if you aggravate me. If it weren't that he will be here later on, I'd walk straight out of the studio, and never come into it again.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I've a good mind to bundle you out neck and crop, I can tell you. That woman has gone off to complain to my wife. Here, get me out of these things. (He divests himself of the Chinese wig and costume.) I think I had better go. I don't know how I'll do the picture—I'll never do the picture. I think you had better go—if Charlie Sylvester finds you here after this, he will murder you.
CHARLES SYLVESTER (off).
Tempenny!—Tempenny—are you upstairs?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (agitated).
He! Oh, I say, you know—don't yer know—this is awful!
ROSALINE (rapturously).
I know his voice.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (dancing with terror).
Yes, so do I! He'll kill you—I warn you he will make a corse of you—or me. I won't meet him. I can't. Get rid of him for the Lord's sake—I'll hide in there till he has gone.
(Exit R.)
ROSALINE (taking out powder puff).
After years we meet again!
(Enter SYLVESTER L.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Why the devil couldn't you answer, Tempenny, I say—
ROSALINE (turning).
Charles! Ah! once more!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Great Scott! My dear girl, what on earth are you here for?
ROSALINE.
It is like that you greet me?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
"Greet" you? Well, upon my word I don't quite know what you expect. I thought it was understood between us last time we met that—that—we weren't to meet? You see I've got a wife, and—
ROSALINE.
I know. I have just seen her.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What's that you say? You have just seen my wife?
ROSALINE (nodding).
She has been here. She has only just gone.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
The devil! What did she say to you—what did she think?
ROSALINE.
She thought you knew about it—she was angry!
CHARLES SYLVESTER (furiously).
And very rightly too. You have no business here—why did you come?
ROSALINE.
MR. Tempenny brought me.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What? Are you his model? This is really too bad. Where is he?
ROSALINE (pointing R.).
He has gone in there.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What for? (Calling.) Tempenny! I say, Tempenny, I want you!
(Enter REMBRANDT TEMPENNY very nervously.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Ah—er—good morning, dear boy. What weather, eh? What weather we're having to be sure. (Aside to ROSALINE.) You malicious, base-hearted—(Shakes his fist at her.) Oh!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Look here, you know, Tempenny, this won't do. You have no right to bring the girl here. I don't think it was at all friendly of you. I—I consider it a damned liberty of you in fact.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (shrinking).
I was afraid you would be vexed, but don't be cross, dear old man; don't be "put out" about it. (Trying to laugh.) There are worse troubles at sea, as they say—worse troubles at sea!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(With rising indignation.) But I am put out. Damn the sea—what's that got to do with it. Mrs. Sylvester has been in and seen her, I understand? You have served me a very shabby trick, Tempenny—I am very sorry about it!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(Still trying to laugh it off.) All comes out in the wash, old chap—all comes out in the wash, I assure you! (Slaps him on the shoulder.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Don't do that—I don't like it!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (nervously).
Ha, ha, ha! (Does it again.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER (shouting).
Don't!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (collapsing).
All right, I won't.
ROSALINE (advancing).
Charlie!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Don't call me "Charlie"—I don't like it.
ROSALINE.
Once—
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Well, then, I don't like it twice—do you hear! This is all your fault, Tempenny. You have got me into a pretty mess upon my word. My wife won't believe me, and I shall never hear the end of it.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
And what about mine?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Yours?
ROSALINE.
Yes, she has gone to tell her.
CHARLES SYLVESTER (roaring with laughter).
Ha, ha, ha!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (miserably).
Remarkably funny, isn't it?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Ha, ha, ha!
ROSALINE.
Ha, ha, ha!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(To CHARLES SYLVESTER; pointing to ROSALINE.) That girl is a perfect devil. She smacked my face just now when I was posing as a mandarin.
CHARLES SYLVESTER (staring).
As a what!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I was a mandarin when your wife came in—I thought it best—and this ex-mash of yours took advantage of me, and smacked my face.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(To ROSALINE.) I tell you what it is,—I think you had better go. You had better be off—I can't have you here.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I quite agree. I don't want her—she is more trouble than she is worth.
ROSALINE.
You are very rude to me, both of you. (To CHARLES SYLVESTER.) Your manners have not improved with matrimony, my friend.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
I am not going to discuss my manners—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
No, he is not going to discuss his manners.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
The point is—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
The point is—git!
ROSALINE.
The point is that if you don't ask me properly, I shall do nothing of the kind. Now you've got it.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(To REMBRANDT TEMPENNY angrily.) What the devil do you mean by bringing such a firebrand here?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Now don't lose your temper again. (To ROSALINE.) Will you go?
ROSALINE.
No, I won't.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That settles it. (The two men look at each other helplessly.)
(Enter SARAH ANN.)
SARAH ANN.
If you please, sir, there is a gentleman downstairs who wants to see Mr. Tempenny.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Me? What's his name? What does he want?
SARAH ANN.
He says his name is Mr. Schercl.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I'm out. Go and tell him so. It only wanted this to complete my happiness. I won't see him, do you hear?
SARAH ANN.
If you please the gentleman said he must see you, but if you was engaged, he'd wait.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
You won't get rid of old Schercl in a hurry, if he has advanced you any of the "ready."
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Tell him I'm out. Then let him come up if he likes.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What are you going to do?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I am going to dissemble. I am going to be an Eastern potentate, and I am going to spoof the old boy. (To SARAH ANN.) Menial, slope! (To CHARLES SYLVESTER.) Help me.
ROSALINE.
This is the rummiest studio that ever I was in!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Yes, originality is what we pride ourselves on. (He disguises himself as the Maharajah of Slamthedoor.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
And what am I to do?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
You must be very deferential. I think you had better salaam when you speak to me. Try it.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Like this? (Salaams.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That's it, only more so. And mind, if he wants to see Susannah, you don't let him look at it. It's only just begun. How do I look?
ROSALINE.
You look like a Guy Fawkes.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Dear child! how pretty she talks! Where did you originally find such a treasure?
(Enter HENRICH SCHERCL L.)
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Ah, Mr. Sylvester, how do you do? Where is Mr. Tempenny? I hoped to see him.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
He has been compelled to go out on most important business.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
The business of you gentlemen is always "most important" excepting when it concerns them that find you the wherewithal. (Aside.) What a nice girl!
(ROSALINE smiles at him.)
CHARLES SILVESTER.
I don't think, my dear Schercl, that you have much cause to complain. You don't lose by us; now confess!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
My dear sir, if I lost by you how do you think I should garry on my business? One must live. But you artists don't give us much chance. You are always bleeding us for what you call "a bit on aggount."
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (coming down).
Your conversation is very interesting, but I wish to see Mr. Tempenny. He is not here, and if he is not coming I shall go. Allah Bismillah Remdazzlegefoo!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Aside to CHARLES SYLVESTER.) What does he say?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(Aside to HENRICH SCHERCL.) He's swearing because Tempenny is out.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I wanted to buy some of his great works. The Maharajah of Battledore told me that he was one of your most favourite painters.
ROSALINE (aside).
Good old Rembrandt Tempenny. What larks!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Aside to CHARLES SYLVESTER.) Let me deal with this sportsman.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(Aside to HENRICH SCHERCL.) Bosh, why should you?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Do you want to sell your "Battle of Agincourt?"
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Of course I do.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
How much?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Two hundred—you know that!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
A hundred ready?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Yes.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
You will have a jeque to-night.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
On your word?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
On my word.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
An open one?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Yes, my dear young friend. Now oblige me by skipping.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Right you are. Allow me to introduce to your Highness, Mr. Schercl—Mr. Schercl, the Maharajah of Slamthedoor.
(Exit R.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Allah Bismillah Pottamarmala Goo!
HENRICH SCHERCL (aside).
He's swearing again. (Aloud.) I am sorry your Royal Highness has been kept waiting. These artists are such gurious people. Your Highness broboses to buy bictures, yes?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I have built a new palace at Slamthedoor, and I must have, of course, some pictures for my galleries.
ROSALINE.
Does your Highness want any slaves too?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Aside to ROSALINE.) Go away, girl—go away! One deal at a time! (Aloud) May I make so bold as to enquire the size of the new palace, Oh glorious One? (Salaams.) (Aside.) I think that is right!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
The size? It is no bigger than my other one—it is about four times as large as your Buckingham Palace.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Great heavens! And you will have a vast picture gallery, Oh Light of my Eyes!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Five—five picture galleries, and I desire to fill them. That is why I am looking up these artists. My cousin the Maharajah of Battledore has given me several introductions.
ROSALINE.
Doesn't your Royal Highness want any slaves? Ye before whose radiance the sun pales and the stars grow dim—no slaves?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Can you dance, damsel, as I would see you?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Aside to ROSALINE.) Go away—go away—go away. Oh, demmit, will you go away! (Salaaming.) Most Serene One—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Proceed. But be quick—I am impatient to be gone. Allah Bismillah, be quick!
HENRICH SCHERCL (aside).
What a temper he's got! (Aloud.) Be guided by your servant. I have your Royal Highness's interest at heart. (Aside.) Also my own. (Aloud.) These bainters are so queer—they do not understand business at all, at all. Nach, they know nothing about it—at least very few of them. The less you have to do with them directly the better for your Royal Highness. If your Royal Highness wishes to fill the picture galleries of your new palace I'll take on the job at contract. I'll save you sixty per cent, s'welp me!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That is very kind of you. Why should you do it?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Well, your Royal Highness, I was struck by your demeanour and to tell your Royal Highness the truth, except with the Brince of Westphalia I have never done any business with royal families before.
ROSALINE (aside.)
Modest violet! There's nothing like being frank!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
You do not advise me then to see this Mr. Tempenny, or the other painters whose names I have?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Certainly not, your Royal Highness. Let me arrange everything. Here's my card—Heinrich Schercl, 41 Golden Square.
ROSALINE.
(Aside to HENRICH SCHERCL). Look here, what am I to have for this.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Aside to ROSALINE). For what?
ROSALINE.
(Aside to HENRICH SCHERCL). I can queer your pitch.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Aside to ROSALINE). We will talk later—we will talk later. Don't bother me!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
My dear Mr. Schercl, I am delighted to have met you. You are quite confident you can fill my galleries?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
With genuine works of art. (Aside.) Poor Gamboge died last week; I am sure he hasn't sold more than three pictures during the last ten years—I can get the lot cheap. Only there must be 200 at least. What with all the other stony devils I can lay hands on, I'll soon decorate the old josser's walls.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Well then, I shall wait no longer—there is no need now. I shall call upon you, and settle our business together. Good-bye, miss, for the present. This is your daughter, I suppose?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Eh—oh, yes, my youngest—my ewe lamb.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I congratulate you. She is worthy to be a Princess.
ROSALINE (aside).
This man's a flyer! I thought he was a mild young mug, but he fairly takes the merry little bun!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Good day, sir. My time in London is short. If I cannot call upon you, I will ask you to come to me at Claridge's.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Charmed, your Royal Highness. I shall be entirely at your disposition.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That is well.
(Exit R. SCHERCL and ROSALINE salaam).
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Skipping with ecstasy). Jampagne! Little girl, I will stand you jampagne to zelebrate the deal.
ROSALINE.
Good biz! (Opens L.D. and calls). Here Mary, Matilda, Susan, or whatever your name is, you're wanted.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
And you are a very charming girl, that is a fact. (Lighting a cigarette). I think I must give you a sovereign, yes?
ROSALINE.
I don't mind if I do. (Taking cigarette from his case). A "sovereign?" What are you talking about? My commission on this is a tenner—and I'm cheap at that!
(Enter SARAH ANN L.)
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Giving her money). Fetch me a bottle of jampagne, and bring two glasses, eh?
SARAH ANN.
Yessir.
ROSALINE.
And look slippy. Go on, I'm parched. Mind, the best champagne. (To HENRICH SCHERCL.) Got a light?
(Exit SARAH ANN L.)
HENRICH SCHERCL.
What is your name, my dear? (Gives her light).
ROSALINE.
Rosaline—you may call me "Rosie" if you like.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
May I—why? (Chuckles).
ROSALINE.
Well, I was struck by your demeanour, and to tell your Royal Highness the truth I have never done business with such a nice gentleman as you before.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Ha, ha, ha! You are a sharp girl too! You are too good to go to India to be a slave. You could do better in London.
ROSALINE.
(Coquettishly). Think so?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
You shall have a slave of your own—a slave who would love you.
ROSALINE.
It sounds very well. In the meantime what about the tenner?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Taking out his notebook). You shall have it. There! Will you give me a kiss for that, my Rosie, with your rosy-posy lips?
(Enter SARAH ANN L. with champagne and glasses).
ROSALINE.
Not before the child! Put it down, my girl, that'll do—Come on, Heinrich of the Golden Square, come and pour out the fluid.
(Exit SARAH ANN L.)
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Lifting his glass). Gezunteit!
ROSALINE.
Very likely. (Aside.) This is the best day's sitting I've ever done. (Aloud.) Now this is what I call comfortable: a bottle of the boy, a cigarette, and a cosy chat. I am very glad to have met you.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Putting his arm round her waist). Really—is that so?
ROSALINE.
That is really so. But mind you, an hour ago, I should not have let you do this.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
I am so blessed we did not meet an hour ago.
ROSALINE.
It is true. An hour ago I was in love, but I have been treated very badly. Just now my heart is at the rebound.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Leedle heart—let me gatch it!
ROSALINE.
Now you are making fun of me. I am not so simple as you think. Why, we have only just met.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
But we can meet again. Besides, I am not going yet—I will stop and talk to you. You shall tell me all about your love-trouble, and I will gonsole you. Hark, what is that?
ROSALINE.
Somebody is coming upstairs.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Then I will step into the next room. It would not look vell that I should be found trinking jampagne mid a pretty girl like you. When they are gone I will come back.
ROSALINE.
MR. Sylvester is in there. Here, if you don't want to be seen, get into this cupboard.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Is it glean? Are you sure?
ROSALINE.
Clean as a new pin. Come on if you mean it, there's no time to waste. Now or never?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(Going into cupboard, gingerly). I am certain it is not glean.
(ROSALINE shuts the door and turns as MRS. SYLVESTER re-enters with MRS. TEMPENNY).
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I told you so! Here she is as bold as brass. Now what do you say to that?
MRS. TEMPENNY.
If indeed my husband brought her here—if he has really assisted Mr. Sylvester to deceive you—
MRS. SYLVESTER.
(Scornfully). "IF!" The creature does not deny it. Speak, girl.
ROSALINE.
Good afternoon.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
"Good afternoon?" It isn't a "good afternoon" I want you to say. Speak, I tell you.
ROSALINE.
What shall we talk about?
(R.D. slowly opens a little—showing REMBRANDT TEMPENNY and CHARLES SYLVESTER listening).
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(Aside to CHARLES SYLVESTER). Can you do it, do you think?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
I can do it.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Threaten to punch my head.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Yes, yes—and you had better be very violent too.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I twig. Wait a moment.
(They withdraw).
MRS. TEMPENNY.
(Bursting into tears). I will never forgive him as long as I live.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I should think not. When I see Charles—!
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Oh, and when I see Rembrandt—!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I will see him, if I stop till midnight!
MRS. TEMPENNY.
And I'll see him, if I don't go home for a week!
(Enter REMBRANDT TEMPENNY backwards, very disordered attire—his entrance to suggest that he has been flung in. CHARLES SYLVESTER follows).
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(With affected fury). If you did not bring this person here, sir, how did she come?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
How?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Yes, sir—how?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
How do I know?
MRS. SYLVESTER and MRS. TEMPENNY.
What is all this? Oh, good gracious, the men have been fighting!
ROSALINE (aside).
I know what it is—it's spoof.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
(Rushing to CHARLES SYLVESTER). Charles—Charles, compose yourself!
MRS. TEMPENNY.
(Rushing to REMBRANDT TEMPENNY). Rembrandt, be calm.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Don't interfere, Adelaide.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Eugenia, this concerns us alone. Mr. Sylvester accuses me—
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Yes, sir, I accuse you—
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(Throwing himself upon him). Ah!
(CHARLES SYLVESTER throws him off).
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
The best of wives—
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Don't you dare to mention Mrs. Sylvester's name, sir!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I am talking about Mrs. Tempenny. I say you would lead the best of wives to suppose that I—I—introduced this creature into your room. (Weeps.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
And through you I may be falsely suspected by Adelaide. (Weeps.)
(ROSALINE whispers to REMBRANDT TEMPENNY aside.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(Aside to ROSALINE.) Great Jupiter!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
All this is very fine—but who is the man who brought her here if you didn't? Answer that.
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Yes, if neither of you did it, who did? Where is the man?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(Throwing open cupboard triumphantly and disclosing SCHERCL covered with paint.) There!
Curtain.