CONTENTS

CHAP. PAGE
I.The Country House[1]
Etiquette and Dress for the Week-end Visitor—Duties of the Host—The Neglectful and Over-zealous Hostess—Bread-and-butter Letters.
II.Afternoon Teas and Receptions for the Débutante—“Thé Dansant”[18]
Dress and Behavior of Guests—Dress and Etiquette for the Hostess and Her Assistants—Formal and Informal Occasions—Who May Send Flowers.
III.Breakfasts and Luncheons[36]
How to Give Them and What to Wear—Etiquette of the Buffet Luncheon—Entertaining Distinguished Strangers.
IV.Dinners Formal and Informal[52]
Invitations and How to Answer Them—Telephone Invitations—Hints for the Young Hostess—Dress for Men and for Women—Entering and Leaving the Dining-room—Etiquette of the Formal Dinner—When to Arrive and When to Leave—Dressing-rooms—Dinner-calls.
V.Bridesmaids’ Luncheons, Bachelor Dinners, and Wedding Anniversaries[74]
Guests to be Invited—Etiquette and Dress for Bridesmaids’ Luncheons—Etiquette and Dress for Bachelor Dinners—Things to be Done and Things to be Avoided—Wedding Anniversaries—The Right and the Wrong Way to Celebrate Them—Form of Invitation.
VI.House and Church Weddings[95]
Dress for Bride, Bridegroom, Bridesmaids, Ushers, and Other Members of the Bridal Party—Dress of Guests—Gifts and How to Present Them—Etiquette of House and Church Weddings—Wedding Breakfasts and Receptions—Entertaining Out-of-town Guests.
VII.Public Dinners and Receptions[135]
Luncheons of Women’s Clubs—Duties of Dinner and Reception Committees—Arrangements in Suburban Towns—The Courteous and the Discourteous Guest—Evening Dress and Demi-toilette.
VIII.Balls and Dances[154]
Dinner and Subscription Dances—Roof-garden Dances—Reciprocal Duties of the Chaperon and Her Charge—How to Enter and How to Leave a Ballroom—Objectionable Styles of Dancing—The Stag Line and the Dance Programme—The Hostess and Her Assistants—The Host—Introductions at Public and at Private Dances—Duties of Floor Committee—Supper Etiquette—Dress for Young Girls and Married Women—Dress for Men.
IX.Automobile Trips[175]
The Automobilist as Host—Provision for Comfort of Guests—Duties of Guest—Dress and Luggage—Automobile Picnics—Entertainment of Chauffeur—When a Visit becomes a Visitation.
X.Bridge Parties and Evening Receptions[189]
Arrangement of the Card-tables—Playing for Prizes—Good and Bad Manners at the Card-table—Why Certain People are not Asked—Duties of Hostess—Card Parties for Charity—Dress and Etiquette of Evening Receptions.
XI.Hotels, Restaurants, and Roof-gardens[200]
How to Entertain a Guest at a Hotel in the City and in the Country—Etiquette for the Guest in Hotels and Restaurants—Dress for Morning, Afternoon, and Evening.
XII.Theater, Opera, and Concert-hall[215]
Arrangements for Formal and Informal Theater Parties—The Supper—The Bachelor and His Duties as Host and as Guest—Dress and Behavior at the Opera, Theater, and Concert-hall.

GOOD FORM

FOR ALL OCCASIONS

GOOD FORM

FOR ALL OCCASIONS

I
THE COUNTRY HOUSE

Etiquette and Dress for the Week-end Visitor.—Duties of the Host.—The Neglectful and the Over-zealous Hostess.—Bread-and-butter Letters.

THE special trunks now readily procurable for week-end visits remind us not to burden our friends with heavy or excessive luggage. The visitor may have difficulty in deciding what costumes to carry. Hence a considerate hostess often mentions in her note of invitation what the out-of-door amusements are likely to be. If a tennis-court, golf-course, skating-rink, or toboggan-slide is available, she does well to say so. A host who lives by the seaside will perhaps take his guests out in a canoe or a motor-boat or offer them the pleasures of surf-bathing.

If the week-end guest receives no friendly hints about the wardrobe needed, she must be guided by a knowledge of the tastes and habits of the household she is to visit. If she is in ignorance of these, she will take into consideration the age of her hosts and the kind of place in which they live. Thus, if Doris is invited to stay at Newport or some other gay and fashionable watering-place, she will need handsomer costumes and a greater variety of them than would be appropriate at a quiet spot in the real country. In the same way, if her entertainers are rich people whose mode of living is very expensive and who invite many guests, she will require her best clothes.

Three changes of costume should ordinarily suffice—a short, plain skirt, suitable for walking or out-of-door sports, with body of the same material or separate shirt-waist either white or of corresponding color, an evening gown, and one for afternoon or church wear. The last named will suffice for the evening also if Doris is staying with friends who live quietly in the country. An old but extremely convenient arrangement is to have the afternoon costume made with a removable yoke, thus serving two purposes. The English fashion of wearing a décolleté toilette for late dinner is popular with the smart set in our large cities, but is by no means general in America. It is a pretty custom for young girls, and many follow it, wearing simple frocks of white muslin or similar material in their own homes. For a visit in the country one should always take rubbers or stout shoes. For tennis, rubber soles are necessary, as those of leather tear up the court. While some country hostesses are very thoughtful about providing extra wraps, a wise guest, especially if she is inclined to be chilly, will carry a warm coat or cloak.

An older woman would appear in the evening in a dress cut out somewhat at the throat, or with a lace yoke or jabot if her health did not permit the exposure of her neck. She would choose silk or some handsome material made up in a dressy way, with a train longer or shorter according to the fashion. Short dresses are much worn at the present moment. Doris should take a pair of long white gloves for the evening, as she will need them if there is to be a formal dinner, also a pair of dress slippers, with stockings to match.

For a week-end visit in summer a young man would carry a pair of white-flannel trousers, a soft shirt of flannel, silk, Madras, linen, or other material, and golf or tennis shoes. He would also take for evening wear a dinner-coat, with trousers and waistcoat to match, a black tie, patent-leather pumps or low shoes, and a couple of dress-shirts. During the heat of midsummer great latitude is allowed in the matter of evening dress. Thus, at the informal weekly dances of the Rumson Country Club, at Seabright, near New York, hardly a dress-coat is to be seen, the men all wearing dinner-coats. Many of them substitute a white belt for a waistcoat, white-duck trousers for the usual black ones, and soft white shirts or those with narrow plaits for the regulation stiff-bosomed dress-shirt.

In winter the week-end visitor with out-of-door tastes would take a sweater and a toboggan-cap for skating or coasting. At either season of the year he would travel in his business suit, and would wear this to church should his hosts take him there on Sunday. Formal afternoon dress (see [Chapter VI]) is the correct attire in which to appear at church; but business suits are often worn and are permissible for the week-end visitor, because he cannot conveniently carry many varieties of costume in a suit-case.

If the hostess has named a particular train, the visitor should always take that. Should she be delayed, she should telephone or telegraph saying when she will arrive. A host living in the country usually sends a conveyance to the station for his guests or comes to meet them himself. If the carriage or car is a hired one, the visitor offers to pay for it, but does not insist upon doing so. Where the trip to the friend’s house is made in a trolley-car, the guest is seldom allowed to pay his own fare. Sometimes the latter arrives and there is no one to meet him. For a man it is usually easy to hire a cab or take a trolley-car. For a young girl traveling alone the situation may be awkward, especially if the place is unfamiliar to her. After waiting a little while for her friends, it is perfectly proper for her to call them up over the telephone and ask for directions.

It is usual to tell a guest soon after her arrival the hours for meals. Should this be forgotten and should the lunch or dinner hour be approaching, Doris may make the necessary inquiries. In a very formal household she would ask one of the maids. Should one of the latter offer to unpack Doris’s trunk or suit-case the young girl may accept or not, as she pleases. There has been some effort made to import from aristocratic countries the custom of having a valet or maid attend to this duty and assist the guest in his or her toilette. The good-natured fun made of these usages by recent writers reminds us that they are inappropriate in a democratic country. It is true that for certain styles of costume, such as a dress that fastens in the back, the fair wearer needs a little assistance. But as a rule the American spirit makes us prefer to be independent, whether of kings or of lackeys. Self-reliance is almost indispensable in a land where fortunes are lost as well as made with such speed and frequency.

A guest should be punctual at all meals and on all occasions. With regard to breakfast a diversity of customs exists, the family assembling for the meal at most houses, while many people prefer to take it in their own rooms. A guest will endeavor to conform to the usage of the household. If the hostess proposes to have his breakfast sent up, he may accept the offer, unless he has reason to suppose that this will be inconvenient. In the evening he will be careful not to keep his hosts up beyond the hour when they ordinarily retire for the night.

For a week-end visit a guest places his time at the disposal of his entertainers and does not usually make any engagements elsewhere. Should it happen, however, that he wishes especially to call on friends in the neighborhood, he should mention this soon after his arrival, so that the trip may be arranged for an hour that will not interfere with the plans of his host. The agreeable guest falls in readily with these. He tries to have a pleasant time himself and to contribute to the pleasure of others, even if some of them are tedious people. He will enjoy talking with the most interesting person present, but will not try to monopolize the lion of the occasion. If an excursion is proposed to see something he has seen many times before, or to do a thing he especially dislikes, he will not say: “Oh, I know that place by heart!” or “What a bore!” but will make the best of the situation. Should he have any “parlor tricks,” such as the ability to sing, recite, or tell fortunes, he will be ready to display these at an opportune moment. A guest, however, should follow rather than lead. It is the province of the host to make the programme and arrangements. The visitor must be careful not to behave as if he thought it was his party!

While, as we have said, he will join in the amusements, he will not overstep the limits prescribed by good-breeding. It sometimes happens that a group of young people, carried away by the contagion of high spirits, will behave like boisterous school-children. The manners of our day are much less formal than those of an earlier generation, but they impose of necessity a certain degree of restraint. Our girls and young men must remember that it is always easy to relapse into the barbarism from which mankind has emerged by a slow and tedious process. As the cultivated apple-tree tends always to return to the wild crab, so does our civilization, if it is not vigilantly guarded, incline to revert to the savagery of the primitive man. A guest should never feel obliged to join in anything which he considers wrong. Thus, if it is proposed to play cards for money he should simply say, “Can’t we arrange another table? I always play for coffee-beans,” or make some other half-jesting remark. In a word, while he quietly maintains his own opinions, he should avoid saying anything in criticism of those who differ with him.

If he thinks it wrong to drink wine or beer, or does not care to do so, he should place his open hand palm downward against the side of the glass when the servant offers to fill this. Should it be filled by mistake the guest need not feel compelled to drink the wine. Among well-bred people his failure to do so would cause no comment. It is only very young and inexperienced or extremely timid persons who fancy that it is necessary to behave like the proverbial sheep blindly following the leader. A girl who should undertake to smoke a cigarette simply because those around her were doing so would clearly demonstrate, not her good manners, but her lack of backbone. In the opinion of most people there is nothing wicked in the use of tobacco. But the great majority of Americans consider it in bad taste for women to smoke, especially in public.

Doris should inquire in good season about the trains and ascertain to which one it will be convenient to send her. She should never stay beyond the time for which she was originally invited, unless under exceptional circumstances. A week-end visit is supposed to terminate on Monday morning, or a business man may find it necessary to leave on Sunday evening.

The out-of-town hostess does well to select her guests from those who enjoy out-door sports or who are fond of the country and its amusements. Of course, such a choice is not always possible, and in the heat of midsummer every one likes to have a breath of fresh air and to escape from the noise and dust of the city streets. For a house-party it is best to ask persons of more or less congenial tastes, who will therefore be likely to enjoy the same things. While the affair will be more successful if some of the guests are already acquainted with one another, an agreeable stranger may add a pleasant variety. People who see one another constantly in the city may find it tiresome to meet at a week-end party.

If neither the hostess nor her deputy goes to meet the guest at the station, some member of the family should be on hand to welcome the latter on her arrival at the house. The guest-rooms should be well aired, made warm in winter and cool in summer. Unless the hostess has servants who are thoroughly reliable, she should visit these apartments before the arrival of her friends and make sure that all is in order, with everything provided for the comfort of her guests. There should be plenty of bed-clothes suitable for the time of year, a supply of stationery and sewing-materials, a few good books, a well-lighted dressing-table, some bureau and closet space, and ample washing facilities. At night the visitor should always find a pitcher or glass of drinking-water in her room and a few crackers.

As we have already said, the hostess arranges the programme for the visit. She should not, however, insist too strenuously on its strict fulfilment. The entertainment must be fitted to the guests; they should not be expected to fit exactly into it, as if they were so many pegs in a cribbage-board. The plans must be elastic; a wide margin should be left for the tastes and preferences of different individuals. The hostess does well to think out beforehand, perhaps to write down on paper, a provisional programme for each day. But if every one is happy playing tennis, she will not drag the players out in a motor-car simply because her schedule says, “Tuesday, 5 o’clock, all ride in automobile”!

Her social experience has probably shown her that two people may talk so long together as to become utterly bored. With an anxious eye she sees that Jack Quarterback has been talking for half an hour to Ida Vergil, the clever young Latinist from Vassar. She bears down upon them, dragging reluctant in her wake Thomas Pundit, a prize-winner from the verdant shades of Princeton. Now in breaking up this particular tête-à-tête, the châtelaine is making the mistake of her life. Ida has been listening with the deepest interest to Jack’s story of how he stood X—— on his head and made the famous end-run that saved the day for Yale. At this moment her indifference to all the classic authors is supreme. She greets Pundit as coldly as if he were indeed a Latin lexicon instead of a fairly good-looking young man. In this magical hour the glitter of his prizes is as nothing to her.

The over-zealous hostess perceives she has made a mistake, though she played the game according to her rules. If either party had shown signs of distress, if Ida had yawned behind her fan or Jack had cast furtive glances around the room indicating a desire to escape, Mrs. Anxious would have been justified in her manœuver. A certain hostess who lived not a hundred miles from the Hub used to irritate her guests very much by breaking up the conversation at the expiration of what she considered the time-limit. She entertained so charmingly in other respects that people enjoyed going to her house. But they disliked very much her habit of interrupting a talk. Most persons prefer to direct their own affairs. The guiding hand of the hostess should be felt rather than seen.

While her guests may rebel at the social maternalism which hampers their freedom of action, they prefer Mrs. Anxious to the inert or cold and formal house-mistress who seems quite indifferent to their welfare. The neglectful hostess may be lazy or inexperienced, or she may lack the true spirit of hospitality. In the first case her guests will forgive her if she is trying to do her best. Since laziness is a form of selfishness, the woman who takes no pains to provide entertainment for her friends is seldom popular. The worst offender, however, is the hostess who is so much occupied with her own amusements that she has neither time nor thought to bestow on other people. The question naturally arises in their minds, “Why did she invite us? Was it simply to show us her finely appointed household?”

During the morning hours the lady of the house may reasonably ask to be excused. She may be in the habit of breakfasting in her room, while later letters and household cares will occupy her time. If she does not expect to appear until the luncheon-hour, however, she should inquire overnight whether there is anything she can do for her guests in the morning. Although these will usually occupy themselves and amuse one another in the forenoon, their entertainer will have some plans probably for the afternoon and almost certainly for the evening. It is wise to arrange the night before, or betimes in the morning, the programme for the day, so that the guests will know what to expect. If these are all young people and the hostess an older woman, she will hardly take part in the more active out-of-door amusements. Where there is neither son nor daughter of the house, as deputy in the sports, it often happens that a young friend acts for the lady of the house.

The hostess should, if possible, be on hand to receive the adieux of the departing guests. If these are to leave in the morning and forget to inquire overnight about the train service, the hostess may with perfect propriety ask at what time they would like to start. She should do so in a tactful way, and might say, for instance: “At what hour are you obliged to be in New York, Miss Y——? I should like to let the chauffeur know to-night, so that he may be ready in good season to take you to the train.”

A “bread-and-butter letter” thanking the lady of the house for her hospitality should be written within a few days of the visit. If the guest is a young girl she should write very promptly, in order to let her hostess know of her safe arrival at her destination. Such a note need not be long, but it should show a cordial appreciation of the kindness received.

II
AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS FOR THE DÉBUTANTE—“THÉ DANSANT”

Dress and Behavior of Guests—Dress and Etiquette for the Hostess and Her Assistants—Formal and Informal Occasions—Who May Send Flowers.

AFTERNOON teas maintain their popularity because they present the simplest and easiest way of receiving one’s circle of friends and acquaintances. Like the magic cloak of fable, they expand or shrink to suit the requirements and resources of every hostess, whether she be rich or in modest circumstances, whether she wishes to ask several hundred persons to a stately city mansion or half a dozen friends to a quiet country villa. For presenting a young girl to society they are especially convenient. All the old family friends will appreciate the opportunity of seeing the débutante and welcoming her to her new sphere, without going to the trouble and expense of buying a new ball-dress and hiring a carriage. To many elderly people, evening dances, with the late hours, indigestible suppers, and fatigue necessarily involved, are very distasteful.

The guest can judge of the nature of the afternoon occasion by the style of the invitation. For a large and formal reception, it is usual to send out some little time in advance engraved cards of generous size. The name of the débutante is placed beneath that of her mother, followed by the statement that they will be at home on such and such a day and hour, at number so-and-so in a certain street. For a smaller and less pretentious occasion, or for a series of teas, the hostess uses her own visiting-cards, on which her daughter’s name may also be engraved. The day or days and hours are sometimes written in and sometimes engraved.

Neither of these forms of invitation requires any answer, except that those who are unable to attend the affair send a visiting-card in time to reach the house the same day or the day after. If there are two hostesses (the débutante and her mother, for instance), a lady should send two cards. A gentleman sometimes sends three, the third being intended for the master of the house. No comments should be written on these. If one desires to express especial regret to a hostess whom one knows fairly well, a note may accompany the visiting-card.

The question is sometimes asked by correspondents, “Is it obligatory to attend a series of teas or receptions to which an invitation has been received?” Courtesy demands that we shall, if possible, go to one of the occasions. Only an intimate friend or a person especially invited would attend all of them. Should one be unable to go, it is not necessary to send cards of acknowledgment until the last of the afternoons. Persons who are in deep mourning, or who are prevented by some other reason from accepting the invitation, sometimes send their cards soon after it is received and so signify their inability to be present.

The proper dress for guests at an afternoon tea or reception is street or reception costume. The latter, according to present fashion, consists of silk, brocade, velvet, or other handsome material if the wearer is a married woman or a single one who is no longer in her first youth. It should not be very light in color nor very showy if it is to be worn in a public conveyance. The woman who appears in a very handsome toilette should take a carriage, since it is in bad taste to make oneself conspicuous in train or trolley-car. Or she may cover up her dress with a long outer garment—called “Cache-misère” by the French. A young girl eschews brocades and other rich fabrics. Her reception costume may be of woolen or silken stuff, but it should preserve the simplicity of style which is at once appropriate and becoming to young people. White gloves are demanded by the present fashion, although some ladies wear black ones, while the shortness of the skirts makes dainty footgear very desirable. It is offending against good taste as well as against common sense, however, to walk through the streets in the wintry season clad in slippers so thin and stockings so transparent that they make the beholder shiver. They look as much out-of-place as heavy furs in the heat of summer.

For teas in the country greater informality is permissible, some young and pretty women appearing in golfing or skating costume, with red sweater and cap to match. Such a dress is not to be recommended for general wear, however, few persons having the air and distinction necessary to carry it off.

The conventional costume for men at an afternoon reception is “formal afternoon dress”—i.e., black cutaway or frock-coat, black or fancy waistcoat, dark, striped trousers, patent-leather shoes, and an Ascot or four-in-hand tie. A dark-gray cutaway suit (coat, waistcoat, and trousers all being of the same material) may also be worn. It must be confessed, however, that men now appear in a diversity of costumes on these occasions. At tea-dances they dress as they find convenient.

The lady of the house wears a gown of silk, satin, velvet, or other handsome material made with a train, and either high or somewhat cut out in the neck. Bare throats are much in vogue at the present moment, but it is thought in better taste to reserve the full décolleté dress for late dinner and evening wear. Some hostesses put on gloves for a formal reception, others do not. The ladies who pour tea or assist in receiving the guests arrive early and appear in a costume similar to that of the hostess. They usually remove their hats, although the older women sometimes prefer to keep them on. A white frock of a thin, transparent material, made simply and with little trimming, is the prettiest costume for the débutante. According to the present fashion this is often cut almost as low in the neck as an evening dress. The young friends who act as her assistants wear similar gowns of some light color. If they choose silken fabrics, these should be of light weight.

On arriving, the visitor should leave her cards on the hall-table, unless the person opening the door carries a salver for them. At a large tea there is usually a dressing-room, where the guest may leave her outer wraps, with the exception of her hat. This she always retains. When she reaches the door of the drawing-room, a man-servant may ask her name for the purpose of announcing it to the hostess. At a large reception, where many people may be present whom the lady of the house knows very slightly, such a reminder is very convenient. In a small country place or suburban town, where all are acquainted, it would obviously be out of place.

If a guest hears her own name bawled out in stentorian tones, it reminds her that her first duty on entering the drawing-room is to find the hostess and shake hands with her. While the present tango craze lasts this will sometimes be difficult. With old and young spinning about the room like so many dancing dervishes, the visitor must thread her way warily between the couples, lest she be run down as by a motor-car. In order to prevent such a catastrophe, the New York hostess who is giving a tea-dance receives her guests in the tea-room; or if she does so in the drawing-room she arranges to have the end where she stands kept clear of dancers.

On the left of the hostess stands the débutante, who is presented to the women guests by her mother, the men being introduced to her. There may be assistant hostesses in the receiving-line, or they may be scattered about the rooms doing the honors of the house. The visitor would probably like to have a little chat with the lady of the house before passing on, especially if she knows few persons in the room. If she arrives at the crowded hour when a stream of people are entering, she must only delay for a moment. It is usually possible by watching one’s chance to return later when the crowd has entered the dining-room and the hostesses have a little leisure to chat with those who really wish to see them. A courteous person is careful to pay due attention to the lady of the house and to have some talk with her should opportunity offer. If the guest finds any acquaintances, she will enjoy the occasion; if she does not, she may agree with the masculine verdict that “Teas are a bore.”

It is the pleasant province of the assistant hostesses—usually young friends of the daughter of the house—to look after the welfare of the guests, especially of those who appear to be strangers. The conversation, it is true, is brief and perfunctory. It is limited usually to an invitation to go into the dining-room, the visitor mumbling an acceptance and moving in the direction indicated. To be thus made welcome, however, by a young girl of gracious manners gives a personal touch of hospitality that is very agreeable. The assistant hostesses address in this way persons whom they do not know, as well as friends and acquaintances.

Arrived at that Mecca of afternoon teas, the dining-room, one does not on a formal occasion remove one’s gloves, albeit it seems rather a foolish fashion to hold sandwiches with fingers clad in white kid. Here the young girls who assist in waiting upon the guests have the advantage, as they may remove their gloves if they please. The dining-room is the center of attraction on these occasions, not only on account of the refreshments, but because it usually seems brighter and gayer than the other apartments, unless dancing is going on elsewhere. The guests should resist the temptation to linger there, however, as the room is apt to grow hot and overcrowded. Since there is not usually room for all at the same time, evidently one should take one’s turn.

It is not necessary to stay long at an afternoon tea. During the height of the season in a large city, many of these affairs take place on the same afternoon, the guests going from one to another. It suffices to remain from a quarter to a half hour. At a small and friendly “tea” or at a house where one feels much at home, people stay longer if they are amused. One should take leave of the hostess, unless she is so surrounded with people as to make this difficult.

At a large reception, the coming and going of a constant stream of guests makes it necessary for the lady of the house to remain in her place or very near it throughout the afternoon. She usually stands in the drawing-room near enough to the entrance to be readily accessible, and yet far enough away to prevent the blocking of the doorway. A crowd would be apt to form there if the guests stopped at once to speak to the hostess. She should shake hands cordially with all. The débutante does the same, although she may, if she prefer, simply bow or courtesy to the gentlemen. She remains beside her mother throughout the afternoon, or certainly until all the guests have arrived. At a small tea the hostess feels at liberty to move about more freely. She may even enter the dining-room late in the afternoon, although she must be careful to return to her position should there be late-comers.

For a large and formal occasion in the city, a carpet for the sidewalk is provided, and usually an awning. A man is stationed at the curbstone to open the doors of the carriages and to give checks to the guests and the drivers or chauffeurs. A servant, usually a man, stands at the front door, opening it as soon as a guest appears. One or more maids are in the dressing-room ready to assist the ladies. If a great many guests are expected, there are checks for the coats. We have already said that a man-servant should be stationed just outside the door of the drawing-room, if the names are to be announced. In the dining-room two or more caterer’s assistants or expert waitresses will be needed to wait upon the guests.

The pouring of the tea is such a characteristic and pleasant feature of these occasions that it is seen often, although not always, at large and formal receptions. For smaller affairs the tea-table is indispensable. An assistant hostess usually presides at each end of the table, one pouring coffee, chocolate, or bouillon, the other tea. In summer cool beverages, such as lemonade, fruit-punch, or wine-cup, may be used; but where older people are present, tea, either iced or hot, is almost indispensable. Whatever the season of the year, if the day is cold and wet a warm drink should be provided. Sandwiches of many kinds, little cakes, bonbons, and salted nuts are the usual refreshments, to which ices are often added, and occasionally salads and oysters. The latter are more appropriate for a reception to which men are asked than to a tea.

The young friends of the débutante should keep a watchful eye on the guests to see that all are served. They themselves often act as amateur waitresses. It is very charming to see a young and pretty girl seated behind the tea-urn. Candor compels us to admit, however, that the quality of the beverage is more likely to be satisfactory when a person of some experience officiates. We do not forget that fair and blooming Hebe was the cup-bearer of the gods, and we are delighted to have her modern representative serve in that capacity. But why, oh why, was she removed to make room for Ganymede? In the absence of precise information, it is our opinion that she attempted not only to pour out, but to concoct, the nectar of Mount Olympus. Being young and giddy, she presumably gave honey to some gouty old deity to whom all sweets were forbidden, hence lost her position.

It is not a very difficult thing to make a good cup of tea, but it needs a little practice and undivided attention. Since most persons now like the beverage very weak, there should be a large supply of hot water, and this should be frequently replenished. Little wire contrivances can be purchased to take the place of the silver tea-ball; or a number of small bags may be made by tying up a few spoonfuls of the dry leaves in a piece of cheese-cloth. Boiling water is poured over the tea, or the latter is immersed for a moment in a cup which has just been filled with hot water. It should be withdrawn very quickly, in order to avoid the unpleasant and unwholesome taste produced by allowing the leaves to steep in the hot fluid.

For large and formal receptions, music of a rather subdued character is sometimes provided. A stringed orchestra of three or four pieces may be stationed in a convenient nook or corner, partially screened from view by tall plants in pots or other variety of greenery. This convention makes one smile, because the stout German musicians are plainly visible among the foliage, their spectacled faces and rotund figures contrasting curiously with the sylvan groves in which they are immured. Doubtless the arrangement conduces to their comfort, however, and protects them from the careless feet of passers-by. If a costumed band is employed, it is placed where it can be seen and admired. If there is to be dancing, the music is of a louder and more pronounced character. According to the fashion of the moment, there is such a beating of drums as would delight the heart of the simple savage in his forest wilds.

The floral decorations may be few and simple or elaborate and profuse, as the taste and means of the hostess dictate. At a reception for a débutante, the drawing-rooms may be filled to overflowing with bouquets and cut flowers sent by friends and admirers. It is now the fashion to greet the young girl in this charming way, strewing her path with fragrant blossoms, figuratively speaking. Many of these come, doubtless, from the family connections, but any friend or acquaintance is at liberty to send flowers in moderation. Obviously, it would not be in good taste for a young man who was only slightly acquainted with the débutante to order a very large and expensive bouquet for her coming-out reception. In a large city it is possible to engage the services of a florist for an hour or two, in order to arrange the floral gifts quickly and to the best advantage. Otherwise the family may be overwhelmed by the sudden avalanche of sweet blossoms, and the supply of vases available may give out early in the day.

For a formal reception in winter artificial light is ordinarily used, the shutters being closed or the shades drawn down. At an informal tea it is pleasant to have the daylight as long as it lasts; but one should turn on the electricity or the gas before the rooms begin to grow dim and gloomy. As the season advances and the days become longer, most people find it refreshing to let in the sunlight.

For a small and informal tea it suffices to have two maid-servants in attendance. The waitress removes the cups and spoons as soon as they have been used, brings in fresh supplies, and assists in passing tea and cake to the guests. The other woman opens the door, washes the tea-things in the butler’s pantry, and helps wherever she is needed. At a studio or an apartment house in the city, or in a quiet village in the country, the hostess and her friends sometimes attend to all these duties themselves. The dish-washing must, of course, be conducted in a separate room, or in case of necessity it may take place behind a screen. The young girls slip on big aprons for this task and make merry over it. Tea-biscuits, little fancy cakes, and bonbons are the refreshments usually provided. Sandwiches are very popular, but they are rather troublesome to make and expensive to buy because of the labor involved. A “curate’s assistant” is a convenient adjunct for a small tea. Cake, buns, muffins, and buttered toast may be passed on this little three-storied stand.

A reception for a débutante is often followed by a dinner or a supper for the young friends who have assisted her. Young men may be asked to this, and there will perhaps be an informal dance afterward. A supper is found by experience to be better than a dinner, because the consumption of sandwiches and other viands at the tea takes the edge off every one’s appetite.

It must be said that the thé dansant has taken the place of the ordinary afternoon tea to a considerable extent. Alas for the elderly dowagers who found the latter so enjoyable! There is no room for them at the dancing-tea, and they are not invited because they would be sure to come if they were! These affairs are held at Ladies’ Clubs or at private houses. A number of young girls come without their hats and act as hostess’s assistants. They mingle with the guests and help in introducing partners to the young women. As has been said elsewhere in this chapter, the hostess usually receives in the tea-room on these occasions.

III
BREAKFASTS AND LUNCHEONS

How to Give Them and What to Wear—Etiquette of the Buffet Luncheon—Entertaining Distinguished Strangers.

IN the days of our grandmothers it was the custom in this country to dine in the middle of the day or in the early afternoon. Children then, as now, carried bread-and-butter, cookies, or some light refreshment to school. The members of the family who remained at home either ate nothing between breakfast and dinner or took a light lunch if the interval were very long. It must be remembered that the old-fashioned heavy American breakfast stayed the pangs of hunger for a considerable period of time. We are shocked in these days at the idea of eating heartily in the early morning. We must not forget that in the middle of the last century the light evening tea or supper, as it was called, was much less satisfying than our modern late dinner. Hence every one was quite ready and hungry for breakfast.

Luncheon as a formal meal was then almost unknown in America. People who wished to entertain friends early in the day, and who were familiar with English customs, occasionally gave a breakfast. With the adoption of the late dinner the evolution of luncheon as a midday repast naturally followed. Lunch-parties have long been extremely popular in this country. They have completely overshadowed their older sister, the “breakfast,” so that the latter term is not often applied to midday entertainments, except under certain circumstances. Thus we speak of the collation served at a morning wedding as a “breakfast,” and the word is also used to describe club festivities. The lunch-party being usually a ladies’ affair, it is sometimes said that the presence of men changes the function to a breakfast. For the rest, the two forms of entertainment are very much alike save that the earlier meal, in order to deserve its name, should take place not later than twelve or soon after, and should be simpler and less formal in its appointments than the later one. Thus, plain linen napery would be more appropriate than a cloth trimmed with lace. A breakfast usually begins with fruit, and includes a course of eggs served in some form. Otherwise the bill of fare is very much like that of a lunch, save that it is shorter, and ices and wines are not served except at large and formal functions.

Occasionally some enterprising hostess invites a few friends to a breakfast that really deserves its name, the hour being nine or half-past nine o’clock. Travelers of distinction whose time is much occupied may still be open to engagements in the early morning. A meal of this sort must necessarily be brief and informal. Oranges, melons, or whatever fruit is in season, cereal with cream, eggs and bacon or omelette, broiled chicken, toast or muffins with orange marmalade or some other kind of jam would make a good menu. Indeed, the chicken could be omitted where only one or two guests were expected. The lady of the house should preside over the tea and coffee equipage, thus giving the personal touch of hospitality which is not possible at a more ceremonious meal. Chocolate also may be served. Breakfast plates of good size should be used, and in winter these should be warmed for the hot course or courses.

The hostess may wear a pretty morning gown or street dress (with the exception of the hat), if she expects to go out after breakfast. The guests leave soon after the meal is over. The women wear a simple street costume; or, if they are about to take part in some sport, they may appear in tennis, shooting, or other special dress. They do not remove their hats. There was an attempt made recently in New York to introduce the dancing-breakfast, the guests leaving the table and executing the hesitation waltz or the one-step between the courses. The experiment does not seem likely to be repeated.

Luncheon is, in theory at least, always an informal meal. Hence the invitations are usually conveyed in the form of a friendly note or given over the telephone. Some hostesses use a partly engraved card for their invitations to luncheon, filling in the date, hour, and name of guest. For a club or similar function the invitations are usually engraved. The guests may be few or many, as the hostess pleases. She must take into consideration, however, the size of her dining-table and of her rooms. There must be space enough for the attendants to pass around the former without crowding the guests.

The young and inexperienced house-mistress may need a word of caution about her china and glass. Unless she wishes to invest in new dishes, she should take an inventory of them before issuing her invitations. It is awkward to ask eight guests and then find your best dessert-plates are a half-dozen set. While plates, forks, etc., may be washed, and so be used a second time at the same meal, it is better to have enough on hand for the entire luncheon. Washing delays the service, a thing now considered very undesirable. For the woman who possesses a handsome dining-table it is customary to use a centerpiece and place doilies, thus showing a portion of the polished wood. A white linen table-cloth is always in good style, however, no matter what the fad of the moment may be.

The centerpieces for the bare table now come of generous size, being virtually miniature lunch-cloths. Some are composed entirely of lace, and some have a border of that material. The accompanying place doilies should have a pad or a piece of canton flannel beneath them, to protect the table from the heat of the dishes. A vase, rose-bowl, or loving-cup filled with flowers is placed in the middle of the table. If this is set on a silver salver it adds to the decorative effect. Two or four smaller vases of corresponding shape and material may be placed in such a way as to form a hollow square around the central one, standing at some distance from it. A handsome dish of fruit makes an effective centerpiece, or two dishes may form part of the decorative scheme, one being placed on either side of the table. If artificial light is to be used, two candelabra or four single candlesticks may be set in the spaces between the vases. The shades of these should correspond in color with the flowers. Where there is good daylight, however, it is in the opinion of the writer greatly to be preferred.

Little dishes of olives, radishes, celery—hors d’œuvres, as they are called—small fancy cakes, bonbons, and fruit, either fresh or dried, add to the decorative effect. A salt-cellar and pepper-pot may be put at each place, at each corner of the table, or on the edge of the centerpiece or lunch-cloth, where it is sufficiently large to bring them within easy reach. A bread-and-butter plate, with miniature silver knife, is provided for each person. It should stand at the left, where two or three silver forks—as many as will be needed before the sweet course—are also placed. At the right there should be a goblet or tumbler, a napkin with a roll or piece of bread folded in it, and one or more knives as occasion may require. If the bones are left in the fish, a silver knife should be provided for it, and one is sometimes put on for the salad. Since at luncheon soup is eaten out of cups with two handles instead of from plates, a dessert-spoon or large teaspoon is set at the right or at the top of each place. If there is grape-fruit, a fruit-spoon or teaspoon will also be needed. One finger-roll, or two rolls if they are very small, may be put in each bread-and-butter plate, instead of in the napkin.

The serving of wine at luncheon is rapidly going out of fashion. A hostess belonging to the older generation sometimes offers her guests Rhine wine—a light, white wine—or, if there are men present, sherry or claret. In this case a wine-glass is set beside the water-goblet at the right of each place, and a decanter is placed on the sideboard. Wine-cup, fruit-punch, and similar beverages are served from a glass pitcher, lemonade cups or small tumblers being substituted for wine-glasses. Slender, narrow tumblers are also used for Apollinaris and other effervescent waters, which are often served instead of wine. At a formal lunch the service is all from the side-table, no dishes being set on the dinner-table with the exception of the ornamental ones mentioned above. At an informal luncheon or dinner, the carving may be done by the head of the house, in accordance with the pleasant old custom. Many people prefer this method, thinking it shows more hospitality than the service à la Russe.

An experienced waitress or butler can attend to the wants of six persons; but for a formal lunch-party it is usual to have the assistance of a second maid or man when half a dozen or more are present. In houses where there is much entertaining, the parlor-maid or chambermaid is expected to help the butler or waitress whenever the number of guests makes this desirable. In all large cities and in suburban towns of good size it is easy to hire a cook or a waitress for the day. The correct dress for the latter is a plain black-stuff dress, white apron with bretelles, a plain linen collar and cuffs. To this a little white cap is added, unless the maid objects to wearing it on the ground that it is too much like a livery. In a free and democratic country no man or woman should be obliged to wear the latter. That it is a badge of servitude, Thackeray long ago demonstrated in his inimitable manner. Where a butler is employed he wears morning costume at luncheon—that is to say, black coat and waistcoat, dark trousers, and black necktie.

The hostess should make out her bill of fare in good season, as some of the dishes—the soup, for instance—will need to be cooked on the day preceding the luncheon. A bride may be tempted by the alluring advertisements bidding her to “add hot water and serve.” The older matron knows that the stock prepared at home from fresh meat makes soup that is much superior to the ready-made article. In a large city one can procure many excellent dishes at the confectioner’s and pastry-cook’s. For a large buffet luncheon, as for a ball supper, the hostess should issue her order to some reliable firm of caterers. For a lunch-party of smaller size, she should endeavor to have the dishes cooked in her own kitchen. Almost every one now prefers home to hotel cooking, if the former is all that it should be. We should advise the young hostess, therefore, if she or her maid has a fair understanding of the culinary art, to have the main staples of her bill of fare prepared at home. Certain articles it is usual to order from the caterer, such as patty-shells and ices. Home-made ice-cream composed of real cream is the best of all, but it takes time and trouble to prepare. It is well to test the excellence of a recipe in the privacy of the family before offering it to guests.

The bill of fare for a luncheon is usually briefer now than formerly, the emphasis being laid on the quality of the food rather than on the quantity. Fruit, soup, fish, chicken or chops, salad, a sweet course, and coffee make a menu that is amply sufficient for most people. It may be extended by the addition of an entrée—sweetbreads creamed or mushrooms, perhaps—between the fish and the meat course. The fish may be omitted, or it may “suffer a sea-change” and become oyster soup. A delicious bill of fare recently offered at a lunch for six ladies consisted of grape-fruit, oyster soup, fricasseed chicken served with sweet potatoes and string-beans, lettuce salad, brandied peaches surrounded with whipped cream, coffee, little cakes, and candies. The bill of fare may be varied in a great many ways, and lengthened or shortened to suit the tastes and circumstances of the hostess and the season of the year. A lady entertaining two or three friends at lunch very informally could offer them simply two or three courses with coffee or chocolate. These would be soup, chicken or some other form of meat with vegetables, and a sweet dish. When the weather becomes warm in the spring, the soup would be replaced by salad served after the meat.

In summer cold dishes are popular, but it is always well to have one or more hot courses. Certain old-fashioned hostesses still serve tea at luncheon, pouring it out themselves, and perhaps making it at the table. The prevalence of the afternoon tea-drinking habit has resulted in banishing the “cup that cheers but does not inebriate” from the noonday meal in many houses.

The hostess wears a pretty house gown or street dress, as she prefers. She will choose the latter if she is going out as soon as her friends leave. She does not, however, wear a hat. The guests come in street or reception costume, brocades being much worn at the present time by older women. They are invited to leave their outer wraps in the hall, the reception-room on the ground floor, or up-stairs, as the hostess may find most convenient. They keep on hat and gloves, however, the latter being removed when they sit down at the table. These may be turned back at the wrist should it be inconvenient to take them off altogether.

Guests should arrive at the hour named or within five minutes afterward. It is usual to wait a quarter of an hour for a late-comer. To delay longer might interfere with the engagements of the other guests, besides spoiling the food. If the hostess has inefficient servants or only one maid, she may find it necessary to excuse herself in order to inspect the arrangements of the table at the last moment. In this case it is well to have a friend who will take the place of the hostess during her brief absence.

The luncheon is announced in the same way as dinner (see [Chapter IV]). The entrance to the dining-room is informal, the hostess leading the way, taking with her, perhaps, the oldest lady or the guest of honor. The others follow without special order, save that married women precede young girls. If there are men present they come last. Usually a relative or familiar friend of the hostess takes the foot of the table opposite the latter. The guest of honor sits at the right of the lady of the house; the other places of distinction are at her left and at the right and left of the assistant hostess. Unless the occasion is a very formal one, however, a hostess will pay more attention to seating her guests beside congenial neighbors than to arranging them with strict regard to precedence. It is now usual to serve coffee in the drawing-room at the conclusion of the luncheon in order to avoid the fatigue of sitting too long at table.

The guests depart soon after the conclusion of the meal, as the hostess may have other engagements to fulfil. In New York the whole lunch-party may vanish in ten or fifteen minutes. If the ladies are not in haste or are having a very pleasant time, they remain longer. In the country they would be very apt to do so. At a formal luncheon the guest of honor should be the first to take leave. A lady who has some pressing engagement may excuse herself without waiting for the former.

A buffet luncheon is served from the sideboard or from the dining-table, the guests sitting about the room. It is a convenient form of entertainment where many people are to be provided for, or where it is uncertain how many will be present. The bill of fare should consist for the most part of articles that do not require cutting up, since it is difficult to manage this with a plate resting upon one’s knees. Sandwiches, salads, oysters, croquettes, and bouillon are all appropriate, with coffee, ices, cake, and bonbons. At a simpler luncheon, jellies or other sweet dishes may be substituted for the ices. Terrapin, cold salmon, and other expensive dainties may be added to the bill of fare if the host desires. If only a small number of persons are present, so that all can be seated at the same time, guests have everything passed to them by the servants in attendance. The fashion of the moment is to use little squares of soft, embroidered linen for luncheon; but these do not afford enough protection for the dress where one eats from the lap, and larger napkins are to be preferred for this purpose at a buffet lunch. Where no servants are present the lady of the house, assisted by one or two friends, waits on the guests. It is less formal, however, when the hostess asks all to help themselves. If there are men present they wait upon the ladies. This method of service is apt to be extravagant, however, since the amateur waiters often give portions that are unduly large. It is better to have some one possessed of knowledge and experience to help to the various dishes at the table, the gentlemen then passing the plates to the ladies.

IV
DINNERS FORMAL AND INFORMAL

Invitations and How to Answer Them—Telephone Invitations—Hints for the Young Hostess—Dress for Men and for Women—Entering and Leaving the Dining-room—Etiquette of the Formal Dinner—When to Arrive and When to Leave—Dressing-rooms—Dinner-calls.

AN engraved card is now used for the invitations to a formal dinner, spaces being left blank for the day, hour, and name of guest, as for instance:

Mr. and Mrs. George Hazleton

request the pleasure of

Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Allen’s

company at dinner

on Thursday, April the ninth, at eight o’clock

Thirty-three Hamilton Place

The invitations are given in the name of husband and wife. A widow living with a grown-up son would add his name, as a widower would that of a daughter in society.

Dinner invitations may be written in the third person, or for an informal occasion in the first. Small sheets of perfectly plain white note-paper of the best quality, with envelopes to match, are always good form. In a democratic country crests are in questionable taste, although some persons use them, embossed in white. The address is often engraved in small and simple lettering at the top of the page.

In the gay season in a large city, invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks or more beforehand. In Washington the guests are sometimes invited a month in advance. For an informal occasion a week or less suffices. Invitations by telephone are now extremely popular, but they have some decided disadvantages. The person invited, being suddenly held up at the point of a gun, as it were, is likely to forget some other engagement for the same day and hour, or she may feel constrained to accept when she would prefer to decline. As she has no written record of the invitation, it may slip her memory. Hence hostesses who are very exact send a note, in addition to speaking to their friends over the telephone. It is, of course, extremely convenient to do this when engagements must be made at short notice. A hostess desiring to arrange a dinner or other occasion in honor of a certain guest, may ascertain over the telephone whether he can come on a certain evening, and then invite other friends to meet him.

The answer to an invitation to dinner should be sent as promptly as possible, within twenty-four hours at the latest. As husband and wife are always invited together, except to a stag dinner, so both must either accept or send regrets. It is not good form for one to go without the other, unless to the house of a near relation or an intimate friend. An exception is sometimes made to this rule in the case of a married couple of widely divergent tastes. Thus a literary man who is fond of society may have a wife who does not like to dine out, or whose health does not permit her to do so. If he is a very agreeable and popular person, it soon comes to be understood among their friends that he will accept invitations while his wife cannot. Although this dispensation is occasionally granted to men and women of unusual charm and ability, the average citizen is expected to adhere strictly to the rule given above.

The answer to a dinner invitation must also be definite and exact. If Mrs. Jones is uncertain whether or not she or her husband will be able to attend the dinner, she must send regrets for both. The answer should correspond in form with the invitation. “Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Jones regret very much their inability to accept the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Lloyd Griswold for dinner on April eleventh,” or “regret extremely that a previous engagement prevents their accepting,” etc. The day and hour should be repeated in an acceptance, to guard against possible mistakes.

A dinner engagement must never be broken except in case of sickness or death. Should one fall ill or be obliged for any imperative reason to withdraw the acceptance of the invitation, the hostess should be notified at once in order that she may if possible fill the place left vacant. For men the proper costume for late dinner (at six o’clock or after) is regulation evening dress—i.e., black swallow-tail coat, with trousers to match, low-cut white waistcoat, white dress-shirt, white lawn tie, pumps or patent-leather shoes, and black socks. Some men, especially those of the older generation, still follow the earlier fashion which prescribed a black waistcoat. The latter is also worn with mourning costume. At stag dinners and small informal occasions the dinner-jacket replaces the swallow-tail coat and is accompanied by a plain black-silk tie. This must be freshly fastened whenever worn. A “made” tie of any sort is considered among men to be in direct violation of all rules of social decorum. We do not pretend to understand why, but it is one of the unalterable laws of masculine etiquette. A white waistcoat is never worn with a dinner-jacket. For a formal dinner the proper costume for women is a low-necked evening gown, with sleeves either very short or of the length required by the fashion prevailing at the moment. It is by no means necessary that the bodice should be extremely décolleté. Long gloves, white or delicately tinted, dress-slippers, and silk stockings complete the costume. The foot-gear may match the dress or it may be white or black. Ornaments may be worn in the hair, varying with the fashion of the day. Elderly women often substitute a dress cut out slightly at the neck, with elbow or transparent sleeves, for the regulation décolleté gown. Those who catch cold very easily have their dresses cut accordingly.

For an informal dinner the usual costume in America is of the sort just described. Young women select light colors as a rule. Velvets, heavy brocades, and similar materials appropriate for matrons are out of place in the toilette of young girls. Those who follow the English fashion wear décolleté costume whether they dine at home or abroad. The custom is by no means general in this country, however.

One should arrive at the hour named in the invitation or five minutes later. In the city it is a decided mistake to come earlier, as the hostess may not be ready to receive her friends. Doubtless she should be, but the fact remains that in the rush and hurry of town life she sometimes does not descend to the drawing-room until the last moment. Guests coming from a distance may find it difficult to calculate exactly the time required to make the trip to the house of the hostess. In this case, a lady arriving before the time would explain the matter to the person opening the door. She might say: “Please do not disturb Mrs. So-and-so. I know that I am too early, and will wait in the drawing-room until she is ready to receive her friends.” In the country, where people do not have so many engagements and where the means of communication are slower and less certain, guests often arrive a little before the hour named, thinking this better than to risk being late and so causing the hostess inconvenience.

A dressing-room should be provided for the ladies. This should contain a mirror and dressing-table furnished with brush and comb, pins, hair-pins, and other small accessories of the feminine toilette. A maid is usually in attendance to assist in the removal of wraps. A second room may be arranged for the men, or they may leave their coats and hats in the hall. They also will need a mirror, and a man-servant may help them to take off and later to put on their overshoes and greatcoats. At a formal dinner each man receives a diminutive envelope containing a card with the name of the lady whom he is to take in to dinner. This may be handed to him on a salver by the butler or the waitress when he arrives, or he may find it in the dressing-room. According to a novel method, the envelope is omitted and a square card made to double into a long shape is used. On the inside are engraved the words:

Will you kindly escort

........................................

to dinner?

The hostess fills in the name of the lady and puts that of the gentleman on the outside.

Mr. Ward McAllister tells us in his book that this is a Boston fashion, and that the New York hostesses of his day were returning to the old method “of assigning the guests in the drawing-room.” While the last-mentioned way is to be preferred for small and informal dinners, cards are convenient for ceremonious functions. A bashful young man suggests to us that they have the advantage of giving the gentleman a few minutes to think over what he shall say to his dinner-partner before he goes up to speak to her.

It is no longer the custom to enter the drawing-room arm-in-arm. A gentleman waits until the ladies of his party appear at the door of their dressing-room, and then follows them into the drawing-room. Here the host and hostess should be standing in readiness to give their guests a cordial welcome. The gentleman very soon seeks the lady whom he is to take into dinner. If he is not acquainted with her he asks the host or hostess to present him. On a less formal occasion there would be no cards, the lady of the house asking each man to take in a certain lady.

The cook should be told beforehand at what hour the dinner will be served. This is usually fifteen minutes after that named in the invitations. The butler or waitress should also be informed of the number of guests expected, in order that he or she may not announce dinner until all have arrived. The hostess herself must decide whether to wait beyond the quarter of an hour for a tardy guest or to order dinner served. In justice to the friends already assembled she will not in any event delay long.

When all is in readiness the butler or waitress advances a little way into the room, saying in a low voice, “Dinner is served.” If the dining-room is next door, it suffices to draw the portières or open the folding-doors. At a formal dinner the host offers his right arm to the wife of the guest of honor, and with her leads the way to the table. The other couples all follow arm-in-arm, the hostess coming last with the most distinguished man present or with the one for whom the dinner is given. In official circles in Washington, as in European society, the question of precedence is a very serious one. The hosts must arrange with great care the procession to the dining-room, in order that each person may have his proper place. In other American cities and towns the rules are much less strict. The younger make way for the older, and married women take precedence of single ones.

If the guests are invited to meet a married couple, the host will take in the wife, seating her at his right, and the hostess will go in with the husband, who will sit at her right. A bride is usually awarded the place of honor, a clergyman and his wife receiving similar recognition. A hostess sometimes enters the dining-room with the man who is to sit on her left—the second most honorable place. Each gentleman assists in seating the lady under his charge, unless this office is performed by a servant. If a clergyman is present he is usually asked to say grace. On sitting down at table the ladies remove their gloves and endeavor not to drop them upon the floor. Since a silken lap is very slippery, it is difficult to prevent this. Men, however, rather dislike being obliged to dive head foremost under the table in order to recover fan, handkerchief, or gloves for the thoughtless fair. The large dinner-napkin is partially unfolded and spread out over the knees, not tucked into a buttonhole.

The table is covered with a white damask cloth of the best quality. According to the present fashion, the centerpiece should be white. It may be of lace or embroidery, but never of a material that will not wash. A lace or lace-trimmed cloth showing the bare table around the edges is sometimes used for dinner. The arrangement and decoration are much the same as at a lunch-party. Since dinner is the most formal of all meals, the hostess uses her handsomest silver, glass, and china, as well as an abundance of beautiful flowers.

Bread-and-butter plates are banished from the table. At a formal dinner butter does not appear, the theory being that the flavoring and sauces make it unnecessary. If it is used it should be passed from the sideboard, and a small individual butter-plate set at the left of each place. Here also are two or three forks, with the tines turned up. At the right are laid a dinner-knife, a silver fish-knife (if one will be required), a tablespoon or soup-spoon, and a tumbler or goblet. The napkin, containing a roll or thick piece of bread, is put on the empty or “place” plate or at the right. The little fork for raw oysters is put here also instead of on the left with the other forks. If wine is to be served the glass or glasses are set beside the water-goblet.

The publication by the insurance companies of tables showing that even a moderate use of alcohol tends to shorten life has given additional impetus to the temperance movement. The great growth of this is damaging to the interests of the dealers in wine. It is amusing to find that certain Frenchmen regard it as a dark conspiracy formed in the interests of the dealers in mineral waters. Whether this charge is true or not, it is certain that the use of wine at dinners has greatly diminished in the United States. Cocktails are sometimes offered in the drawing-room as a substitute for wine at dinner. If ladies are among the guests, these should be made very mild. It is perfectly proper to decline them, or indeed wine in any form. Where this is not served, whiskey and water may be offered to the men. To foreigners who are accustomed to taking wine with their dinner, it is a privation to go without it. A host who is entertaining foreign guests should bear this in mind, even if he himself is a teetotaler. A nice question of ethics here arises. If a man thinks it wicked to offer wine to any one, should he feel obliged to place it on his table? Each person must answer this according to the dictates of his own conscience.

According to the old rule, sherry is the wine served with soup, claret and champagne with the roast. Some hosts offer their guests hock or sauterne with the soup, and champagne later in the meal. Others give claret or champagne alone. The last-named should be cooled on ice. A napkin is fastened around the neck of the bottle, since this is apt to be wet. Claret and Burgundy sometimes need to be warmed slightly, as their temperature should approximate that of the room. Sherry, Madeira, port are always, and claret usually, put into decanters. It was formerly the custom to set these on the table; but at ceremonious dinners wine is now served from the sideboard.

No menu-cards are used at private houses. A name-card is set at each place. According to present fashion, this should contain no ornament except the crest or initials of the hostess done in gold, with edges to match. At a recent dinner at the house of a bishop the device on the name-card was a miter. Decorative designs are reserved for anniversary dinners and other special occasions. Celery, olives, radishes, and other hors d’œuvres are usually relegated to the side-table at a formal dinner.

The bill of fare for a dinner or a luncheon is much shorter than formerly. It is no longer thought in good taste to emulate the heavy feasts of the ancient Romans. Many people now hesitate to eat raw oysters, since they sometimes convey typhoid-fever germs. Canapés may replace them as a first course, or Little Neck clams, grape-fruit, or other fruit in its season may be used. If oysters are served, five or six are arranged in each plate, with a piece of lemon in the center. It is now thought best to bring these in fresh from the ice-chest, after the company have sat down to table. The oyster-plate is set on the place-plate—i.e., on the one already in place—when the guests sit down at table. The latter is not taken away at the conclusion of the course, but remains as a basis for the soup-plate. Tureens are no longer used, the soup being served from the pantry. The plates should be only partly filled. A careful servant can manage one in each hand, but it is thought more elegant to have them brought to the table one at a time. After the removal of the soup the place-plates remain, and are used for the hors d’œuvres. These sometimes precede the soup course. The fish comes next, hot plates being used for this as for all the hot courses. Since fish is rather tasteless, it is often accompanied by a sauce or by cucumbers or tomatoes with French dressing. Potatoes also are served with fish. An entrée now follows, and is succeeded by the pièce de résistance, or principal meat course. With the lightening of the bill of fare, filet of beef is less used for this than formerly, saddle of mutton, spring lamb, or turkey being favorite dishes. According to modern custom, only one or at the utmost two vegetables are served with one course.

Roman punch is now reserved for public dinners. The game course with salad comes next; but here again we see a change, since lettuce, celery, or other vegetable salad may now be served with cheese and crackers or bread-and-butter, the game being omitted. After the salad the table is cleared off, the salt-cellars and pepper-pots being removed on a tray covered with a napkin. The crumbs are brushed off with a folded napkin, or on less formal occasions with a silver crumb-scraper.

The dessert now follows, for which the handsomest plates are reserved. These are protected by pretty ornamental doilies, on which are placed finger-bowls partly filled with lukewarm water. A flower or a fragrant leaf or two may float on its surface. A glass plate is often set under the finger-bowl. The latter should be promptly removed and set on one side in order not to delay the service. Some authorities say that the silver knife, fork, and spoon should not be placed on the dessert-plate when the servant hands this, but should be laid on the table at either side of it. If they are put on the plate each person removes them at the same time as the finger-bowl. The ices are then passed, the molds being sufficiently cut through beforehand to enable the guest to help himself readily. If the individual form is used, one is set before each person. Cake accompanies the ice-cream, which is eaten from the glass plate. The latter is then removed by the servant, while the guest takes off the doilies, leaving the china plate in readiness for the fruit course. Few persons take any of this at a long dinner, unless it be three or four grapes. Bonbons also are handed at this time.

The lady at the right hand of the host must now be on the lookout for the signal to rise, which the hostess will convey to her by a look or slight nod. At a formal dinner the gentlemen sometimes escort the ladies back to the drawing-room, the couples going arm-in-arm. After seeing their partners comfortably seated, the men excuse themselves by a bow and return to the dining-room or repair to the smoking-room, where coffee, cigars, and liqueurs are served. Sometimes the men simply rise from the table when the ladies do, and remain standing until the latter have passed out. A servant opens the door or holds back the portière, or, if none is in the room at the moment, the gentleman nearest the entrance performs this duty.

Tiny cups of strong black coffee accompanied by sugar, and sometimes by cream, are handed on a tray to the ladies in the drawing-room. Sometimes the servant takes in the silver coffee-pot and asks each person if she will have a cup, filling it for her if she desires. One or two kinds of cordial are offered, the servant asking the ladies in turn which kind they prefer, and then pouring it into tiny liqueur-glasses. Cigarettes are offered to the women at some houses, although the custom is by no means general. Many American hostesses dislike very much to see members of their own sex use tobacco, considering this in bad taste.

Later in the evening Apollinaris or other sparkling waters may be brought in. The men rejoin the ladies in the drawing-room after a short interval of time. Music, recitations, or other form of entertainment may be given for the amusement of the company. Dancing is now popular at all hours, and people who are fond of cards finish the evening with bridge or some other game. If the hosts have not arranged any after-dinner programme, the guests take their leave about half an hour after the men have returned to the drawing-room. There is no absolute rule about this, as much depends on the lateness of the hour. If some of those present are “going on” to a dance or a reception, they will excuse themselves as soon as they can without appearing brusque or discourteous to their hosts. According to modern rule, a dinner should not last more than an hour and a half. If the guests sit down to table at a quarter-past eight and arise from it at a quarter before ten o’clock, the hour for departure would be somewhere between half-past ten and eleven o’clock. The custom of waiting until the lady who is the guest of honor has taken her leave is growing in favor. This makes it incumbent on her not to linger too long, lest she should inadvertently detain others who desire to go.

One of the most important duties of the diner-out is to talk and to listen to his next-door neighbors. At a small dinner the conversation may become general, but where a great many guests are seated at a large table, this is hardly possible. Some charming talker to whom it would be delightful to listen may sit opposite to you, or two or three places away. If you should yield to the temptation and neglect your dinner-partner, or, still worse, if you should talk across her to the more interesting guest, you would be committing a breach of good manners. At a large and formal dinner, the hostess talks first to the man on her right hand and later to the one on her left. The guests follow her example, turning to speak to the other neighbor soon after she does. This is called “The turning of the table.”

If one has received an invitation to dinner, it is necessary to call in person within one or two weeks after the event. This rule applies to other invitations also, but it is construed with special strictness in the case of a dinner. In New York, with its immense distances, a busy man may be unable to make the “visit of digestion” within a fortnight. In this case he should send his card by mail and call when he can command the time. Men now pay visits in the late afternoon, at five or six o’clock, formal evening calls having gone out of fashion in the large cities.

V
BRIDESMAIDS’ LUNCHEONS, BACHELOR DINNERS, AND WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES

Guests to be Invited—Etiquette and Dress for Bridesmaids’ Luncheons—Etiquette and Dress for Bachelor Dinners—Things to be Done and Things to be Avoided—Wedding Anniversaries—The Right and the Wrong Way to Celebrate Them—Form of Invitation.

“HOW many bridesmaids shall I have at my wedding?” Many a young girl asks herself this question, to which it is not easy to give a categorical answer. We will, however, say to her: choose your attendants for this beautiful day in your life from among those you love and who love you. If you have several sisters and dear friends, the selection may be a little difficult, but doubtless there are some who are nearer to you than others. If you have no sisters, or if they are all married, you perhaps have one or more cousins to represent the family, and you will want to include a sister or other near relative of your fiancé for his sake. Let the number of your bridesmaids be decided by that of the young women you would like to have around you at your wedding, provided always this is not so large as to appear ostentatious. You should also consider the question of expense, since it is now the custom for the bride to make a gift to each of her attendants. If the ceremony takes place at church, her family also pay for the carriages for the bridesmaids. A large church wedding is a very costly affair, and a young girl should be considerate in the demands upon her father’s purse. The expenditure for a wedding should be in proportion to the means of the bride’s family, since etiquette demands that they and not the groom should meet it. If the function is unduly elaborate, unfavorable criticism is almost sure to result.

If you decide to be married at home, you will not have more than one or two bridesmaids; at church, four or six is a good number. More than eight seem ostentatious, unless under exceptional circumstances. You may like in addition to have your sister or dearest friend act as maid of honor. A young married woman sometimes acts as matron of honor; but this is in contravention of the good old custom of surrounding the bride with a group of maidens. Be sure to make your selection, and to ask your friends to officiate as bridesmaids, in good season. It is your privilege to choose the costumes they are to wear. In doing this we hope you will not be carried away by the charms of the fashion-book models, but will bear in mind the complexion and figure of your friends as they actually exist in real life. You will certainly want them to look their best, for your sake as well as their own. The bride is always the great center of attraction, but if she has good taste she will desire to have the wedding cortège form a harmonious whole. For this purpose the costumes of the bridesmaids may be all alike, or there may be a diversity of coloring. The two that walk together should be dressed alike.

Pray be careful also not to make the toilettes so expensive as to be a strain upon the means of your young friends. You may, of course, if your means or those of your family permit, pay for their whole outfit or for certain portions, such as hats or gloves. But this is not customary, although it is occasionally done by a bride rich in this world’s gear.

Should a young woman give a luncheon or a dinner to her bridesmaids? The idea of thus gathering her mates around her for the last time before she enters upon a new, joyous, and yet serious phase of her life is a very happy one, provided always that the occasion does not furnish the proverbial last straw of the camel’s load. The preparations for a modern church wedding are so many and so extensive that a bride may go to the altar utterly worn out and looking not her best, but her worst. Her mother should certainly guard a daughter very carefully against over-fatigue; but in many cases she obviously does not. To the bridegroom the parade and show are usually extremely distasteful, and he only submits to them because he cannot help himself. He goes through the trying ordeal in the spirit of the good knights of old, that he may win his “dear ladye” for his own. We cannot, therefore, advise our bride to give a bridesmaids’ luncheon if she is already wearied by many tasks. In this case we should advise the substitution of an afternoon tea, to which she may, if she pleases, invite the groom, best man, and ushers. Perhaps, however, she is so fortunate as to have relatives and friends who will take the brunt of the fatigue, or, if she is rich, clever and experienced women can be hired to assist her.

If she decides to give a luncheon, she should select a day near enough that of the wedding to give a certain thrill to the occasion, and yet not so near as to make these great events seem to crowd one upon the other. Should the bridesmaids live at a distance, and come to the home-town of their friend on purpose to attend the wedding, it may be necessary to have the lunch take place only two or three days in advance. A week is a better interval, however. Should there be some young friend who is unable to serve as a bridesmaid—on account of family mourning, lameness, or some similar drawback—the bride may like to include her in the invitations. The bridesmaids do not appear in any special costume, but wear the same sort of dress as at any lunch, retaining their hats unless the bride asks them to remove them. The latter wears a pretty house dress suitable for the afternoon. The luncheon may be a handsome affair or simple and inexpensive, as the young hostess finds convenient. She or a friend may like to paint the place-cards, which should have devices appropriate to the occasion. True-lovers’ knots, Cupids, hearts and darts are always in order. Pink is a favorite color for the decorations, green and white also having a pretty effect.

The traditional ring, coin, and thimble are often placed in the cake, each girl carefully scrutinizing her piece to see what her future lot is to be. The gifts to the bridesmaids are usually awarded at this luncheon, and should be all alike. Some small article of jewelry to be worn at the wedding is usually chosen. L’Art Nouveau suggests many pretty things that are not necessarily expensive, the theory being that jewelry should please by color and design rather than by costliness. Brooches, pendants, bracelets, hat-pins, or fans are among the suitable gifts. They may be set one at each place as souvenirs.

Since the bridesmaids’ luncheon is intended to be a gay and merry rather than a somber and melancholy affair, it is well to ask one or two of the guests to arrange some amusing feature for the day. Thus, if the bride has many admirers, a dance of the rejected suitors would be appropriate. These could be represented by two of the company. They should be furnished with large bandana handkerchiefs on which to weep copiously. After treading a slow and melancholy measure, each should break a stick over his knee in accordance with the old tradition.

A dinner is sometimes given instead of a luncheon, and to this the groom, best man, and ushers are occasionally asked. A novel way to give a bridesmaids’ luncheon would be to ask each girl to prepare beforehand one article of the bill of fare. The bride also should contribute something of her own manufacture to the menu. A judge, duly appareled in wig and gown, should be appointed to award the prize to the maker of the most toothsome article, or a feminine jury of three might be impaneled. The prize-winner should have a blue ribbon declaring her to be the most promising candidate for matrimony. At the bride’s place should be a small souvenir album with white cover, containing the receipts used for the different articles of the bill of fare, and mentioning the school or cooking-class where each girl had acquired her culinary skill. It would be quite in order to invent imaginary colleges and degrees, phrased in home-made Latin, as, for instance, Cookia Superba Prattii Institutionis.

Sometimes a bridesmaids’ lunch is followed by a rehearsal of the wedding procession at the church, the ushers and young girls returning to the bride’s home for afternoon tea. It is pleasant to have the members of the wedding-party meet beforehand in order to make one another’s acquaintance. Thus a dinner or a theater party for the bridesmaids and ushers is sometimes given two or three days before the marriage takes place.

Should the bridegroom give a bachelor dinner to his ushers and best man? This is a question which each young man must decide for himself, always taking into consideration the tastes and tendencies of those who would compose the party. It should be frankly said that at certain occasions of this sort in the past, too much wine has been consumed with sad results. Therefore if the groom himself or any of his intimate friends finds temperance difficult, it certainly is unwise to arrange a bachelor dinner and thus fly in the face of Providence, as old-fashioned people would say.

If the dinner is to take place, it should be within a fortnight or a week before the wedding. It is well to have an interval of several days elapse between the two events. The guests invited are the best man, ushers, and sometimes other intimate friends of the groom and the brothers of the bride. Black-cloth dinner-jacket, with trousers and low-cut waistcoat to match, dress-shirt, and black tie compose the proper costume. The dinner is given at the groom’s club or home or in a private dining-room at some good restaurant. The groom being the host, he sits at the head of the table; the best man may be opposite to him or at his right hand. In the latter case the head usher or the bride’s brother may take the foot.

The provision of wine should be a judicious one. When the dinner is quite advanced the best man proposes the bride’s health. All arise and drink this toast standing. According to the old custom, each man snaps the stem of his wine-glass between his fingers, then throws it away. The souvenirs presented by the groom to his best man and ushers are laid at each place. These are usually scarf-pins, although cuff-links are sometimes given. Beside each plate may also be a box done up with white ribbon, containing the gloves and tie to be worn at the wedding. The best man usually orders these, taking care to select gloves of the right size, but the bridegroom pays the bill. A convenient method is to give a list of the ushers with their addresses to a haberdasher of established reputation. He then sends an engraved or printed card to each man, saying that Mr. So-and-So has ordered gloves and tie for him and asking the size of his hand. Should other guests besides the best man and ushers be at the dinner, it would be better not to present the souvenirs, ties, etc., but to send them to each person’s residence or club.