GIFTS AND HOW TO PRESENT THEM
When a young couple are about to begin life together and to establish a new home, they are confronted at once with the unpleasant question of expense. To furnish their abode, however simply, takes a considerable sum of money. Hence, somewhere in the dim past the custom of making wedding-presents arose, friends assisting the bridal pair in the creation of a home of their own. Sound political economy as well as pleasant sentiment, therefore, underlies this usage. The welfare and prosperity of the individual home promote those of the larger home—the State.
In sending gifts to a young couple it is well to bear this truth in mind, for, although perfectly self-evident, it is often forgotten. We should try to select presents that will be of use to their recipients. Their value need not be merely material; it may be spiritual or esthetic. Beautiful pictures, books of solid and lasting interest, are as important features of a dwelling as chairs and tables. Silverware is a standard gift because of its usefulness. It has now grown so much cheaper, the price being less than half what it was some years ago, that almost any one can afford to send an article made of this metal. Some brides have been fairly overloaded with silver, receiving far more than they, in their modest homes, were able to use. Hence it is well to consult a member of the bride’s family or a near friend as to what she would really like to receive.
The main outfit of silver—a tea-service, one or more dozens of the different sizes of forks, knives, and spoons—are given by the immediate families of the bride and groom, when their means permit. Near relations—aunts, uncles, and cousins—sometimes join in the gift or supplement it with other needed articles of silverware. Friends also send large or small pieces in accordance with their means and with the needs of the young couple. The fashion of using ornamental and useful appliances made of this metal for the toilette-table, the desk, etc., has been so run into the ground, cheap imitations have become so common, that some other material is now preferred—ivory or tortoise-shell, for instance.
Jewelry is so dear to the heart of woman and forms so important a feature of dress that most brides like to receive it, even though it cannot be classed as a necessary part of their outfit. While an elderly friend may send a jewel, the privilege is denied to young unmarried men, unless they are relatives. This is an old rule of Mrs. Grundy, who also forbids the bestowal of any article of clothing by young bachelor friends. Bric-à-brac has mercifully gone out of fashion. It is permissible, however, to give “objects of art” that deserve the name. Intimate friends sometimes send a dozen of sheets with embroidered initials, or a set of handsome towels. The pretty articles of decorative table linen now so much in vogue, lunch-cloths, centerpieces, and doilies, make very charming wedding-gifts. China and glassware for the table may be both pretty and useful. Relatives and old family friends may send checks, if they choose.
When an article is marked, the maiden initials of the bride are used. The old custom of marking silver with the initials of the given names of both the bride and groom, together with that of the last name so soon to belong to them both, has been revived to some extent. If the article given is one likely to be duplicated, it is better not to have it marked, because the bride may wish to exchange it. Indeed, some thoughtful persons say frankly: “If you want to change this, pray do not hesitate to do so.” While sentiment makes us desire to keep the gift chosen by a friend, it is undeniably inconvenient to possess one dozen pepper-pots and not a single salt-cellar! Owing doubtless to the “total depravity of inanimate things,” there is almost sure to be an overplus of some article and a deficit of another.
The question is sometimes asked, “When and how shall I present my gift to the bride?”
The answer to the first query is, upon receipt of the invitation to the wedding or as soon after as is convenient. It may happen that on account of absence, illness, or some other good and sufficient reason the gift is delayed. In this case one need not hesitate to send it, with a note of explanation, after the marriage has taken place. The last gift is sometimes received several months or even a year after the day of the nuptials. Manifestly, however, it is best to send promptly.
There is no formal presentation, however. Only intimate friends are privileged to place the gift in the bride’s hands. For all others custom demands that it shall be sent—express prepaid, of course—to the house of her parents. The family and friends of the bridegroom conform to this rule, even when they are not personally acquainted with his fiancée. The groom occasionally receives a few gifts for his personal use, which are sent directly to him. The easiest, simplest, and best way of forwarding a wedding-present is to have it despatched from the store where it is purchased. In a large city the jeweler’s, silverware, and chinaware shops keep small envelopes and blank cards for use, in case the purchaser has omitted to bring her own visiting-card. On this the giver writes her name with a brief message, such as: “With the best wishes of ——,” “With love and best wishes,” or “Wishing you all possible happiness.” Married people use their joint card, “Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Curtis,” for this purpose. The salesman should be instructed to remove the price and to do the gift up in the daintiest manner, white ribbon being often employed. It is also wise for the sender to give him her address and ask to be notified of the due arrival of the gift. Since a receipt is now demanded by silversmiths and others, it would be an easy matter to give the purchaser this information, thereby saving anxiety to her and trouble to the bride’s family. The latter are often called up on the telephone by friends who have not at the moment received any acknowledgment of their present.
It is the pleasant duty of the bride to write promptly, thanking her friends cordially for the substantial expression of their good will. A charming young woman who was about to be married said to me, “I write at once on receiving a present; in this way I am sure to express the delight I feel at the moment.” It is quite possible to do this when the gifts begin to arrive. But as the time for the wedding draws near, a bride with a large circle of friends is sometimes overwhelmed by the great number of packages received in a single day. Those who send their presents within three or four days of the ceremony cannot expect to have them acknowledged speedily. If unable to write before her marriage, the bride should do so as soon afterward as possible. A careful record of all the gifts, with the names and addresses of the senders, should be made by some member of the family, as fast as they arrive. Bride-books come especially for the purpose, and will be found very convenient by those possessing a large circle of friends and acquaintances.
In acknowledging a wedding-present it is always well either to name the gift or to allude to it in some definite way, as for instance:
Your beautiful gift will not only make us think of you, but will mark the passage of the hours and so help us to cultivate punctuality.
Some persons imagine that an invitation to a wedding carries with it the obligation to make a present, and that those not asked give nothing. This is a mistake. It should rather be said that any one who is invited is at liberty, but not under any obligation, to send a gift. Relatives and intimate friends would do so, whether invited or not. Circumstances may make it imperative to have the ceremony performed very quietly and to omit the usual reception. It is true that many of those invited to the bride’s house send a gift, though by no means all. A young woman who has a large wedding will receive more presents than one who simply sends out announcement cards after the ceremony.
The family clergyman and physician are not expected to make gifts, for obvious reasons. Friends who are in mourning do so, even if unable to attend the wedding. The expense of the present should be in a certain proportion to the means of the giver. Those who are tempted to give something more expensive than they can afford should remember that it would be painful to a bride possessed of delicacy of feeling to think that she had overtaxed the generosity of a friend. If one cannot afford to spend much money, one should atone for it by giving plenty of thought to the selection of the gift. For this purpose it is well to consult some member of the family, or an intimate friend, about the bride’s tastes and wishes. A present that is carefully chosen to meet the needs of the recipient often gives more pleasure than a very expensive article selected at random. Business associates or those who are under obligations to either of the two families send gifts if they receive invitations.
The custom of displaying the presents on the day of the wedding has gone out of fashion in large cities. It is thought better to show them only to intimate friends, who are asked to call in an informal way shortly before the wedding-day. In country places the gifts are sometimes exhibited at the reception on the day of the marriage. They are usually set out in an up-stairs room, the cards of the givers being removed in order to prevent invidious comparisons.
The guests invited to a wedding may be few or many, as the bride’s family find convenient. If the ceremony is to take place at a large church, invitations are often sent to all those on the visiting-lists of the parents of both young people, as well as to the friends of the latter. Some gracious and thoughtful brides do not forget to send to certain persons not on their visiting-lists—humble friends who sincerely appreciate such a remembrance. If a young woman prefers to have only her relatives and near friends present at her marriage, she will probably please her fiancé, for men usually dislike very much the parade and show of a large wedding. Where only a limited circle are invited to attend the ceremony, general invitations are sometimes sent out for the reception following it. This arrangement can be made for either a home or a church wedding. The bride’s mother must be careful, however, not to overcrowd her rooms. In summer a country house may be readily enlarged by closing in the piazzas, or a large tent may be placed on the lawn. When the whole circle of friends and acquaintances have been invited to the church, there will be no cause for complaint if only relatives and intimate friends are asked to the reception.
Wedding invitations should be engraved on plain, heavy white paper of the best quality. The family crest in white is sometimes embossed on this. The envelopes match the paper and are without device or ornament. The following is a proper form:
Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Louisa Alsop
to
Mr. James Otis Griswold
on the afternoon of Thursday,
the fourth of November,
at four o’clock
at the Church of the Disciples
Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street
New York
Or a blank may be left and the name of the person invited be written in. If there are cards of admission to the church, they may read:
Please present this card
at the Church of the Disciples
Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street
on Thursday, the fourth of November
If many guests are expected, a plan should be made of the church, showing how the numbers of the pews run. Relatives and friends are assigned to these in the order of their relationship or intimacy with the family, those nearest and dearest coming next to the altar. The number of the pew is written on the card of admission to the church. The ushers are provided with duplicate plans, giving the names of these special guests and the pews they are to occupy. Another method is to have cards engraved:
Mr. and Mrs. . . .
will please present this card to an usher
The latter can then look up the name on his list and see which pew has been assigned to that guest. The bride’s family and friends sit on the left of the middle aisle, those of the groom on the right.
The invitations to the reception are usually engraved on a large white card, according to the following formula:
Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
request the pleasure of your company
[or of . . . .’s company]
on Thursday, the fourth of November,
at half after four o’clock
at Seventeen Waverley Place
The fashion of asking only a limited number of persons to the wedding and of sending out announcement cards afterward seems to be gaining in public favor. These cards are sent to the friends and acquaintances of the bride and groom and their parents. A proper form is:
Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
have the honor of announcing
the marriage of their daughter
Margaret Louise
to
Mr. James Otis Griswold
on Thursday, the fourth of November,
One thousand nine hundred and fourteen
at Windymere
West Medford, Massachusetts
The announcement is engraved on the same sort of paper as that used for wedding invitations. With it may be inclosed a card with the address of the newly married couple:
Mr. and Mrs. James Otis Griswold
Will be at home Three hundred and four
after the twentieth West Fiftieth Street
of November New York
Announcements are usually mailed immediately after the marriage. If the “At Home” cards are sent out with the invitations, they contain no name, but simply the statement:
Will be at home
after the twentieth of November
at Forty-four East Fiftieth Street,
New York
Or special reception days may be mentioned, as:
Thursdays in December.
The cards and all the other expenses of the wedding, with a few exceptions mentioned elsewhere, are paid for by the bride’s family.
A home wedding is of necessity a simpler affair than one celebrated at church. According to the good old custom, the clergyman came in first, a place being arranged for him at the head of the room facing the company. The bride and groom then entered arm-in-arm, taking up their position in front of the minister. At the conclusion of the ceremony the latter withdrew to one side and the newly married couple took his place, turning around to receive the congratulations of relatives and friends, those nearest and dearest greeting them first. It has been found convenient, however, to mark off with white ribbon an aisle down which the bride and groom pass. Young girls may hold the four ends, or these may be fastened. The cortège is sometimes a miniature copy of that seen in the church ceremonial. Thus the ushers may lead the procession, a bridesmaid or two entering next, the bride leaning on her father’s arm following them. With this arrangement the groom and best man enter a little beforehand, standing at the left of the clergyman. If the giving away of the bride is to be omitted, the procession may consist of the ushers, the best man, a bridesmaid, and the bride and groom, entering in the order named. There are often no bridesmaids at a house wedding.
The old marriage ceremony is so beautiful, so hallowed by tradition and sentiment, that we are inclined to cling to it, although some of its features are archaic remains of an older civilization. Now that so many women are independent citizens, earning their own living and, in many countries of Europe, as well as in ten States of our Union, voting and holding public office, it seems incongruous to have them “given away in marriage.” Even in conservative England the question of dropping the word “obey” from the service is now being agitated by no lesser personages than the bishops of the Established Church! We read that one of these dignitaries withdrew his motion to this effect because he saw that the ecclesiastical body was not yet ready to pass it.
The church selected for the wedding is usually the one which the bride and her family attend. If this is not large enough to hold the guests, another belonging to the same denomination is sometimes preferred. If the groom lives in the same town as the bride, he calls upon the clergyman and secures his services for the time when the ceremony is to be performed. If the fiancé lives at a distance, it may be more convenient to have the arrangement made by the bride’s family. In either event the groom pays the clergyman’s fee. This varies in amount with the former’s means and with the scale on which the whole affair is conducted. Since the question is left to his honor as a gentleman, he should surely reimburse the minister in a manner suited to his own dignity and to that of the occasion. It is in the worst possible taste to lavish money on decorating the sacred office in a resplendent manner and then repay its hospitality by handing its official head a small and wholly inadequate sum. For a large and handsome wedding the organist receives twenty-five dollars and the clergyman should be given fifty dollars. If the bridegroom is a rich man, he sometimes doubles this sum. For a small and quiet wedding, the fee would vary from ten to twenty-five dollars. Five dollars is said to be the minimum. The fee is inclosed in an envelope and handed to the best man. It may consist of gold, new bank-bills, or a check. The last-named has obvious advantages, for an absent-minded best man sometimes forgets to give the missive to the clergyman. Gold pieces are often preferred, however, since the old English custom prescribed that the groom should lay these and the wedding-ring on the open prayer-book held by the clergyman. The bridegroom also pays for the ring. If the wedding is to take place at church, he provides the conveyance which will take him and the best man there, bringing the latter to the bride’s house for the reception or breakfast. Should the weather be bad or the distance so great as to call for carriages for the ushers, he provides these also, as well as the carriage in which he and the bride start on their honeymoon trip. He has no other expenses connected with the wedding, except the bouquets, souvenirs, etc., spoken of elsewhere.
The sexton, organist, and florist should all be notified in good season. The former will, if it is requested, have an awning and carpet between the church door and the curb. For a large wedding he will need assistants to open the doors of the vehicles as they drive up, to receive the cards of admission, to keep the line moving so that the street will not be blocked, to call the carriages afterward, and to protect the entrance from too great pressure by the admiring onlookers. The Press has had some sad stories about the rude behavior, the pushing and crowding of the multitude, when certain much-advertised weddings took place. Such rudeness is greatly to be deplored. It occurs to the philosopher that a simple and easy way to avoid the presence of these ill-bred throngs would be to have the religious ceremony conducted in a quieter and simpler manner. Men and women, particularly the latter, are always anxious to behold a much-heralded spectacle. The organist should be told of the musical selections made by the bride. Sometimes he plays a subdued accompaniment during the marriage ceremony. According to a pleasant modern custom, the flowers are sent from the church to hospitals after the wedding. Some competent person is specially employed to attend to this distribution.
It is contrary both to good manners and to the laws of the land to have any rehearsal of the marriage ceremony. One of the procession often takes place a day or two in advance. The head usher sets the pace, which should be rather slow, but not funereal. A young girl who was given away in marriage by her grandfather not long ago was heard to whisper to the latter, as they went up the aisle, “Not so fast, grandpa! Not so fast!” If the bride dislikes the idea of taking part in the rehearsal, she may be replaced by a friend.
The head usher may be called the master of ceremonies at the church. He or one of his assistants should be there early to see that everything is properly arranged. All the ushers should be in their places three-quarters of an hour or more before the time named for the wedding. They stand at the entrance to the aisles and escort the guests to the seats assigned them. Formerly a barrier of white ribbon or flowers marked off the seats in the middle aisle reserved for the relatives and special friends. It is now thought better not to fence off the aisle in this way, but simply to indicate the division by means of a bow or a bunch of flowers.
If the guests have cards on which their names or the numbers of the pews they are to occupy are written, they do not give these up at the door, but retain them to show to the usher. Where there are no such cards for his guidance, he inquires the name and consults his list or his memory. If he is not sure on which side the guest belongs, he asks whether the latter is a friend of the bride or of the groom. The head usher, who is stationed in the middle aisle, usually has some acquaintance with most of the chief guests.
The groom and best man arrive in good season, remaining in the vestry or robing-room until after the clergyman has appeared upon the scene. They then emerge from their concealment and stand at the back of the chancel, waiting for the arrival of the bridal cortège. The bride’s mother does not form part of this, but is escorted to her place by an usher shortly before its appearance. In the mean time the bridesmaids repair in their carriages to the house of the bride, in order that all may start together for the church. She and her father should be ready at the hour agreed upon, their carriage bringing up the rear of the little procession. As it approaches the church, the ushers close in the pews of the middle aisle by carrying a white ribbon down either side of it. This should not be removed until the bridal party has driven away at the conclusion of the ceremony. As the carriages of the bridal party appear, the ushers see that all doors are closed from the vestibule into the church, as well as those leading into the street, excepting that by which the cortège is to enter. The head bridesmaid, or the maid of honor, spreads out the bride’s train, unless this is done by a special attendant.
The procession then forms, the doors of the central aisle are thrown open, and the organist plays the wedding march. The ushers come first, walking in pairs; the bridesmaids follow, then the maid of honor, and last of all the bride with her father. The bridegroom comes forward, takes the bride’s hand, and leads her before the clergyman. Half the bridesmaids and ushers now turn to the left and take up their places near the bridal couple, the other half do the same on the right, the girls standing on the inside, the men on the outside. If there is a maid of honor, she should be at the bride’s left; if there is none, then the first bridesmaid takes this position in order to help her friend pull off her left glove when the ring is to be put on, to remove the veil from her face at the close of the ceremony, and to see that her train is properly arranged as she starts to walk down the aisle.
If the bride and groom are to kneel down, it is well to provide hassocks for the purpose. The bridesmaids and ushers remain standing, however. Something of a sensation was caused at a recent fashionable wedding in Boston when an emotional young man knelt down, to the consternation of his fellows. The other ushers were obliged to follow suit, the twelve going down upon their knees in a semicircle. The father of the bride remains standing a little behind the young couple, until the clergyman asks who gives her away. He then steps forward and places her right hand in that of the clergyman, who in turn puts it in the groom’s right hand. This is in accordance with the ritual of the Episcopal Church. Sometimes the father intimates his consent merely by bowing, but the first mentioned is the better way. His part in the ceremony now being at an end, he retires to the pew where his wife is sitting. If the bride’s father is not living, her oldest brother or nearest male relative gives her away. A widowed mother sometimes performs this office.
Guests should come to the church in good season, so that they may be settled quietly in their places before the arrival of the bridal party. To come at the last moment is not according to good form. At the conclusion of the ceremony they should remain in the pews until the wedding procession and the near relations have passed out. Those who have received invitations to the reception then go to the house of the bride’s parents. It is well not to hasten there too rapidly, however, as the bridal party will need a few moments to arrange themselves. As the bride’s mother is the hostess of the occasion, she and the father may stand near the door of the drawing-room so as to greet the guests as they enter. Strangers ask the ushers to present them. All then pass on to the end of the apartment, where the bride and groom stand together, the bridesmaids being on the right of the former; or they may be divided in the same way as at the church, half on either side of the young couple. The groom’s parents stand near by. The other guests should be presented to them.
The bride greets all cordially, shaking hands with them and presenting to her husband those with whom he is not acquainted. Only near relations and intimate friends are privileged to kiss the bride. At a large wedding reception there is not time to say much to the newly married couple, as the line passes on rapidly. Where there is only a friendly acquaintance, it suffices to say, “I wish you every possible happiness,” or something of the sort. If the presents are on exhibition, the guests go up-stairs to see them and then pass on into the dining-room. This method of having the company go forward in line should be adopted where many people are present. It is quicker than the old custom, in accordance with which the best man and ushers escorted the guests up to the bride and groom and the parents. These young men are always on hand, however, acting as masters of ceremony. They introduce strangers to the bride and groom and ask people to go into the dining-room. There they wait upon the ladies who are without escort. The collation is served from a large central table in the dining-room. Some caterers arrange a buffet at the side, thus taking up less space. For a large reception the bill of fare would comprise bouillon, salads, croquettes, oysters in their season, ices, little cakes, and coffee. Birds and other delicacies are sometimes added. If wine is served it is usually champagne. For a wedding in the country the menu may be much simpler, chicken salad, sandwiches, ice-cream, and coffee, for instance. Indeed, it is perfectly proper, where only a few friends are invited, to offer cake and wine alone.
The bride and groom remain in their places until all the guests have had an opportunity to greet them. This means that they will stay there during the greater part of the reception, if many persons are present. Where the wedding is not a large one they repair to the dining-room, or refreshments may be brought to them in the drawing-room. In the former case the best man or some near friend proposes their health, all honoring the toast by standing, glass in hand, and taking at least a sip of the wine. The bride remains during an hour or more of the reception, and then withdraws to assume her traveling-dress. A sister, the maid of honor, or one or more of the bridesmaids help her to do this, while the mother comes in before her daughter is ready to leave the room. The last good-by is, of course, for this dear parent. The maid of honor and the best man do what they can to facilitate the escape of the young couple from the friends who are waiting in the front hall to bombard them with rice, confetti, or flowers. This method of saluting the bride and groom is so well established that it seems best to accept it philosophically and good-naturedly. Some young men are not satisfied with rice or confetti throwing, but indulge in a rowdyism of behavior that cannot be too strongly condemned. The bride creates a diversion by dropping her bouquet from the elevator or the top of the stairs. Her young women friends scramble for it, the person who catches it being sure to marry within the year, according to the old superstition.
Where the marriage takes place at noon, a wedding breakfast may be arranged for the bridal party alone, or for as many guests as the house will hold comfortably. In the warm season the veranda and lawns of a country house are also utilized. The breakfast may be served “en buffet” as at a reception, or the company may be seated at one or more tables, in accordance with the number present. The latter is the more elegant method, but requires more service. If many persons are invited, there is usually a large central table ornamented with white flowers for the bridal party, with smaller ones for the rest of the company. When the collation is ready the groom gives his arm to the bride and leads the way to the dining-room, followed by the bride’s father with the groom’s mother, the groom’s father with the bride’s mother, the best man with the maid of honor or first bridesmaid, and the other bridesmaids, each being escorted by an usher. Sometimes the clergyman who performs the marriage ceremony takes in the bride’s mother, allowing the others to precede them as a hostess would at a dinner. In this case the groom’s father takes in the bride’s aunt or some other member of her family. The newly married couple sit side by side at the head of the table, the bride’s mother sitting at the foot, between the groom’s father and the clergyman.
According to another arrangement, the bride’s father with the groom’s mother sits beside his daughter, the bride’s mother with the groom’s father coming next to the bridegroom. Half the bridesmaids and ushers sit on each side of the table. If the newly married couple sit in the middle of one side instead of at the head, the bridesmaids and ushers are placed opposite to them. Should the size of the table permit and the bride’s mother so desire, other relatives or friends may be placed there. Indeed, at a small breakfast all the guests are seated at one table. In this case it is well to have place-cards. At a large wedding the guests not belonging to the bridal party follow the latter into the dining-room, entering without formality. Sometimes the small tables are arranged in the adjoining rooms and in the hall. No place-cards are used for these.
The breakfast is served in courses, ending with after-dinner coffee; it is usually accompanied by champagne. It is according to old tradition to have the bride cut the cake; but she does nothing more than to insert the knife, the attendants dividing it into slices and handing these about. The most sensible way of distributing the cake is to have it packed in boxes beforehand by the caterer. These are arranged on a table in the front hall, a servant handing a box to each person as he leaves. At the close of the repast, the health of the bride and groom is proposed by the best man, by the father of the groom, or by an old family friend. The father of the bride or the bridegroom himself sometimes responds. If any speeches are to be made, the speakers should be notified beforehand. At the conclusion of these or of the toasts the bride retires to put on her traveling-dress.
Where the two families who are about to be united by marriage live at a distance from each other, the bride’s parents should invite the groom’s father and mother or other near relatives to stay with them. Should it not be convenient to exercise this personal hospitality, they should engage rooms at a hotel for these out-of-town guests. In the country or in a suburban town the bride’s aunts, cousins, and near friends throw open their houses and entertain as many of the wedding-party as they can. For the remainder, accommodations are secured at the local inn or at a boarding-house. All this should be definitely arranged beforehand. Each lady who has kindly consented to act as a hostess should write a personal note of invitation to the guests allotted to her, asking them to stay at her house or apartment. She should inquire at what time they will arrive, and should go to meet the ladies, or send some one to do so, on their arrival at the station. If she possesses an automobile or a carriage or can borrow one, she will go in that. It is courteous to send a conveyance to meet the gentlemen also; but it is not necessary, as men can usually take care of themselves. The bride’s parents thus exercise a vicarious hospitality, in addition to doing what they can personally to make the visitors welcome. They will, if possible, invite the friends from a distance to their house on the day preceding the marriage. The entertainment may take the form of a dinner, or the guests may be asked to come in the evening very informally. The bride’s family should greet them all with much cordiality. Simple refreshments such as lemonade, coffee, or ice-cream with cake may be served. The presents may be on view in a room up-stairs.
The bride’s parents do not pay the hotel bills of friends and relatives coming to the wedding from a distance, unless they have invited the latter to come as their guests. They may assume this expense if they please, but it is in no way obligatory for them to do so. When a wedding takes place in the neighborhood of a large city and many of the guests come by train, the bride’s family should make sure that there are conveyances at the station to bring to the house or church persons who cannot well walk. If the weather is good, and the street-cars pass conveniently near, only a few carriages may be needed. If the bride’s father is a man of means, he will engage vehicles of some sort to meet the train and transport all the guests at his expense. Special cars or special trains are sometimes provided for out-of-town weddings. In this case persons receiving invitations should respond promptly and definitely, in order that the host may know what railroad and other accommodations will be necessary.
VII
PUBLIC DINNERS AND RECEPTIONS
Luncheons of Women’s Clubs—Duties of Dinner and Reception Committees—Arrangements in Suburban Towns—The Courteous and the Discourteous Guest—Evening Dress and Demi-toilette.
THERE are several definitions of the phrase “a public dinner.” We may hold that it means only those large general functions, usually of a political nature, which are virtually open to the public on payment of a certain sum at a stated time. Or we may give the term a much broader application and include under it all dinners that are not private, such as the banquets of clubs and societies, to which tickets are purchased by members of the organization and their friends. In this chapter the phrase is used in its broader and more general meaning.
A public dinner is usually a subscription affair, all paying for their tickets except the specially invited guests. These are of two classes—namely, the persons invited by the association or club as a whole, and those who are asked by the individual members. An invitation to subscribe is sent to all who are likely to be interested in the object of the occasion, or to a small and select circle, as the case may demand. If this is to contain full information, a double sheet of white note-paper should be used. It may be ornamented with a suitable device, such as the national flag or a likeness of the hero of the day. The matter may be engraved, or printed, if the work is done in thoroughly good style. Plain black type of two or three sizes, but all in the same style, has a very good effect.
The formula for the first page may be as follows:
You are invited to attend
The Second Annual
WASHINGTON’S BIRTHDAY DINNER
of the
REPUBLICAN PARTY
to be held at the
WALDORF-ASTORIA
Fifth Avenue and Thirty-third Street
New York City
Monday evening, February twenty-third
Nineteen hundred and fifteen
at seven o’clock
Ladies are invited
The second page may contain the list of speakers and their subjects. On the third page additional information may be inserted, as, for instance:
NOTICE
The dinner will be served at 7:15
P.M. sharp, and will end at 11:15
P.M. sharp. As it will be run on
schedule time, you may depend on
both hours.
Tickets will be $5.00 each; the
tables seat ten.
Please reply on the inclosed
blank. Checks should be made
payable to John Doe, Treasurer,
and sent to him at 32 Amsterdam
Avenue, New York City, Telephone
3789 Spring.
Those sending in their remittances
at once will receive a preference
in the seating.
The names of the members of the Dinner Committee follow. Where it is unnecessary to set forth the attractions of the affair in order to procure subscribers, the list of the speakers and committeemen may be omitted. A printed subscription-blank and envelope addressed to the treasurer are inclosed. The plan of sending tickets without first obtaining permission to do so is strongly objected to by most people, and with good reason.
The general committee may be divided into two or three smaller ones—namely, the committees of arrangements, of invitations, and of the floor. All act as a reception committee on the evening of the dinner, and all wear badges. They thus show their authority and enable guests to appeal to them for information. It is important that efficient persons shall be chosen as chairmen and vice-chairmen. The latter, like the vice-president of the United States, may be called upon to fulfil the duties of the higher office. Where there are several committees it is well for their heads to meet together from time to time, in order to make sure that the sphere of each is well defined, that all the ground is covered, and that there is no duplication of work.
The main responsibility, however, rests with the chairman of the general or dinner committee, who often does the greater part of the work. He it is who must consult with the maître d’hôtel. Together they select a day and decide upon the menu. The Waldorf-Astoria is the favorite place for men’s public dinners. It is so much in demand for this purpose that the date of a function is decided months or even a year in advance. About twenty-five per cent, in addition to the price of the dinner must be allowed for music, fee to head waiter, and other incidentals. Thus, if the entertainment is to cost four dollars, the price of the tickets should be five dollars; if the dinner costs two dollars, two dollars and a half should be charged.
When the affair takes place at a first-class hotel there is little cause for anxiety, as the management furnish the articles of the bill of fare and the service, and are responsible for both. When the dinner is held at a hall, the chairman of the dinner committee should employ a caterer of established reputation who can be trusted to supply food of the proper quality and quantity, as well as a sufficient number of trained waiters under the control of a competent head man. This functionary should be present at the dinner and direct his subordinates as occasion may require.
While modern standards of taste do not demand such a number of courses as were formerly provided, it is essential that the dishes should be good of their kind, and that the supply should be large enough to meet all reasonable requirements. It is certainly desirable to have the service rapid, but guests should have a little patience, for all cannot be served at once. To bribe the waiters at an occasion of this sort is “bad form,” since it is unfair to the other guests and may result in utter demoralization of the service. Some people eat their dinner before they leave home, attending the public function only for its social side and for the pleasure of hearing the speeches. With regard to feeing the waiters at a public dinner, it should be said that at a first-class hotel the management allows no intimations or hints to be made on this subject. Each guest does as he sees fit in the matter—the feeing is optional and personal, not collective. The placing of a plate on the table and thus holding up the diners is sometimes seen in out-of-town places, but is contrary to good form. It may be said that at large public dinners in New York about half the men fee the waiters. Wine is not included in the menu on these occasions. Those who order it do so at their own expense, and usually give a tip. Twenty-five cents is expected for a bottle of champagne, ten or fifteen cents for white wine or claret.
In order to insure good results, the committee of arrangements should, after consultation with their caterer, fix a certain day or hour after which they will refuse to receive subscriptions. The temptation to admit additional guests at the last moment should be firmly resisted. In New York City, hotels usually refuse to arrange for the seating of additional guests after three o’clock of the day of the banquet. In country places it is necessary to give much longer notice. At the luncheons of the State Federations of Women’s Clubs great discomfort ensues when the delegates do not conform to the rules, but arrive in large numbers without giving the required notice to the entertainment committee. If the place of meeting is in some quiet country town, the latter find it difficult or impossible to procure additional supplies of food, yet they dislike very much to send the visitors away hungry. The result is often delay, confusion, and dissatisfaction. If a public dinner is held in a place of this sort, where no good caterer is available, some local organization of women—those belonging to a certain church or league—may be asked to furnish the entertainment. If they are capable persons and have had some experience in work of this sort, the result will be satisfactory. A simpler bill of fare would, in this instance, replace the more elaborate provisions of the professional caterer.
Small tables seating from six to ten guests are now preferred to the long ones formerly in vogue. Eight is the number usually selected. The table for the speakers and guests of honor is placed on a platform in the middle of one end of the room. It is handsomely decorated and has seats on three sides only, the fourth being left vacant, so that the speakers can see and be seen. The president or chairman sits in the middle, the most distinguished guest on his right, the person of next consideration on his left. If both men and women are at the table, their seats should, so far as possible, alternate. A name-card is set at each place, together with the bill of fare, engraved or nicely printed. When the guests are assigned to small numbered tables, place-cards are not used, but each guest is furnished with a menu.
The committee of arrangements should provide one or more cloak-rooms, with attendants to check the various articles of clothing. If ladies are invited, there should be a special dressing and cloak room for their use, also an awning and carpet at the entrance if the weather is bad. A man will be needed to help the ladies from their carriages and to call these at the close of the entertainment.
Members of the floor or reception committee, wearing their badges, should be on hand to direct the guests and to prevent as far as possible congestion in the hallways; or employees of the hotel may be stationed in the corridors for this purpose. The dinner is usually preceded by an informal reception of half or three-quarters of an hour, in order to give all an opportunity to meet the chief guests or chief speaker. It is held in one of the parlors of the establishment, the president of the organization, the chairman of the dinner committee, or the toastmaster standing with the chief guest at the head of the room. It is the duty of the members of the reception committee to see that all are presented to this distinguished couple. They move about the rooms, capturing and bringing up those guests who have not yet spoken to the hosts of the evening. They inquire the names of men with whom they are not personally acquainted and introduce them to the president, who shakes hands and in turn presents them to the guest of honor.
At the receptions of women’s clubs there is often a receiving-line consisting of the officers of the body, and sometimes one or more distinguished guests. The club members and their friends go up and shake hands with the president, who introduces them to the guest of honor. It is not necessary to speak to all in the receiving-party, unless one is personally acquainted with them. Where many persons are present they usually go up in line. A member of the floor committee may introduce them to the hostess of the evening. If there is no one to perform this office for her, a guest should pronounce her own name. It is the custom in some clubs to receive merely with a gracious bow or courtesy, the president shaking hands only with her personal friends. In this case a guest who does not know any of the ladies makes a low bow to include them all, and passes on.
When there is no regular reception, the company gather in the drawing-rooms and chat together until the doors are opened into the dining-room. The president and chief guest go first, the other guests of honor follow, each escorted by a member of the reception committee. The remainder of the company do not form in line, but enter as they find convenient. At certain clubs—the National Arts of New York, for instance—the gentlemen give their arms to the ladies, as they would at a dinner in a private house. Members of the society should inform their guests beforehand of this custom. If a gentleman has two ladies under his care, and is unable to find an escort for either of them, he should offer his arm to the elder, the younger walking beside her. Occasionally it is arranged at a public dinner to have all go directly from the dressing-rooms to the dining-hall. This saves the rent of parlors; but it is much better to have a reception of some sort precede the banquet.
There are several ways of letting people know where their places are. Sometimes the number of the table is printed on the ticket, and on entering the dining-room it is only necessary to hunt up the corresponding numerals. These are painted conspicuously on large cards standing on the various tables. It is a better, though more expensive, plan to print on large sheets of paper the list of guests, arranged alphabetically, and the number of the table at which each person is to sit. These are distributed to everybody. Unfortunately, at the conventions of some associations the members do not decide to attend the dinner until such a late hour of the day that the unlucky committee of arrangements are obliged to spend the afternoon planning where all are to sit. A few lists hastily printed are fastened up in the assembly-room, and around these the men gather in flocks to try to ascertain where their seats are. If these are in a remote part of the hall, the guest should make no comment, but should accept the arrangements made for him without complaint. The courteous man does so, while the discourteous one grumbles and perhaps tries to have his seat changed. I am sorry to say that some persons who ought to know better think that it is “smart” to rush in ahead of others, and to seize a place that belongs of right to some one else. The man who thus trespasses on the laws of good-breeding shows that he is not smart, but only imperfectly civilized. If every one followed his example there would be an end to law and order, and we should return to barbarism. Since it is usual for all to leave their tables and draw near to the speakers at the conclusion of the banquet, a distant seat is not necessarily a serious drawback to one’s enjoyment.
At a public dinner the tickets may or may not be taken up. Sometimes there is a man in livery at the door of the dining-room who performs this office, sometimes each waiter collects them from the diners at the table where he is stationed. When the plan of printing a sheet containing the names of all the subscribers is followed, and no one is assigned a seat after this list goes to press, it is not really necessary to take up the tickets. If any one has forgotten to pay, the committee can easily send him a bill. Where the tickets are collected, it suffices for a man who has forgotten his to give his visiting-card. At men’s dinners no tickets are demanded from guests. Those invited by the association are seated at the speaker’s or other special table, and paid for by the society. Those asked by private members are paid for by the latter. A gentleman who engages a table for himself and his friends is held responsible for it.
The society giving the banquet is held responsible for the whole number of persons actually present at the dinner. Hence a careful count of them must be made. After taking up the tickets at the different tables, the waiters report to the captain of the floor. This functionary informs the chairman of the dinner committee of the result of the count about the time when the third course is put on. It is now the duty of the chairman to see that the number has been correctly estimated. He leaves his seat, goes about the room and into the gallery if he pleases, counting the diners. Since all the tables seat the same number of persons, usually eight, this is not so difficult as it might appear. It takes some time, however, to count several hundred people, especially as it must be done a second time if the reckoning of the chairman does not agree with that of the captain of the floor. When this officer of the association acts as toastmaster also, as often happens, he has no time to eat any dinner, and a supper is served to him afterward.
The question may be asked, “Should public dinners be opened with grace?” They often are, but the custom is by no means universal. If a clergyman is at the speaker’s table, he will be requested to ask a blessing. A guest of distinction is occasionally invited to do so, sometimes to his great surprise. It is always possible to use the silent grace of the Quakers or Friends. The usual form is, “For what we are about to receive make us truly thankful,” etc. Those who find themselves seated at table with people whom they do not know should remember that it is always courteous to say a few words to one’s next-door neighbors, even if they are strangers. They may prove to be very agreeable people.
The president of the association, or the chairman of the committee in charge, calls the company to order at the end of the dinner. He makes a short address himself, and then introduces the speakers in turn, with a few words of compliment or explanation. A good toastmaster must have a voice clear and strong enough to be heard all over the room. He should also be witty, gracious, and tactful. If the president is not well qualified for this office, the vice-president or some other person should be asked to make the introductions. It is sometimes arranged to have the speakers begin while the dinner is still in progress. The rattling of the plates, as the servants remove and replace them, creates so much disturbance that this plan should be adopted only where the service has been delayed and the hour is growing late. Occasionally we hear of a dinner where all speech-making has been omitted, or replaced by “Voiceless Speech.” Dancing now tends to crowd out all other forms of amusement at entertainments of all sorts.
The regulation wear for a public, as for a private, dinner is evening dress. At a political banquet, however, a variety of costumes may be seen, some men coming in business suits, either because they find this more convenient or because they do not possess a dress-suit. A man who is a faithful adherent of his party may feel it to be his duty and his pleasure to attend its festivities. At a stag dinner a dinner-jacket with black waistcoat, black trousers and tie may be worn. Many women wear low-necked and short-sleeved gowns. Others dislike doing so on such a public occasion. They wear handsome costumes of silk, satin, velvet, brocade, chiffon, or other dressy material, slightly cut down at the neck and with elbow-sleeves. The French call this “demi-toilette,” signifying that it is a half-way stage between every-day and full dress. For a public reception in the evening, the dress is much the same as at a dinner. Most women wear no hats, but some appear in light-colored, dressy bonnets.
As a public dinner often lasts very late, many persons slip quietly out between the speeches, taking leave only of those sitting next them. It is discourteous to go out in the middle of an address. If one should meet a member of the reception committee, one would naturally express pleasure in the evening’s entertainment. Guests at the speaker’s table would take leave of the presiding officer, if seated near him. The general body of diners do not think it necessary to take leave, since every man has paid for his own ticket, and so is in a sense his own host.
If anybody has any cause of complaint, it is best to say nothing about it at the time, but to speak or write afterward to the head of the proper committee. One should begin by praising the entertainment as a whole, and then suggest in a courteous way that such and such a matter might perhaps be arranged differently on the occasion of the next banquet.
VIII
BALLS AND DANCES
Dinner and Subscription Dances—Roof-garden Dances—Reciprocal Duties of the Chaperon and Her Charge—How to Enter and How to Leave a Ballroom—Objectionable Styles of Dancing—The Stag Line and the Dance Programme—The Hostess and Her Assistants—The Host—Introductions at Public and at Private Dances—Duties of Floor Committee—Supper Etiquette—Dress for Young Girls and Married Women—Dress for Men.
ACCORDING to the rules of good society, her mother, or some other chaperon of good position and suitable age, should always accompany a young girl when she goes to a ball or other dance in the evening. If this rule were always enforced as it should be, we should not hear of the escapades which some thoughtless young women have indulged in of late years. The swinging back of the pendulum, which is sure to follow an excess in one direction, will doubtless result before long in a stricter chaperonage. Suffice it to say that at present, while a matron is expected to go with her charge to public balls and dances and on many other occasions, at subscription affairs and at those in private houses she often does not do so. It must not be supposed that the young women go alone or under masculine escort. This would be contrary to good form. In the absence of the mother a lady’s-maid accompanies the daughter, waits for her until the dance is over, and returns in the carriage with her. The girls are not wholly without chaperons, as the patronesses act in this capacity. It must be remembered also that these subscription dances are in a sense private affairs, although held in assembly-rooms. The patronesses make out a list of eligible persons whom they ask to subscribe, and permit no one else to do so. Certain assemblies are arranged upon another plan, the patronesses each subscribing for twelve tickets, and then inviting six men and five girls to be their guests. They often ask these young ladies to dine with them on the evening of the dance, or the girls may take dinner with friends and all go on together.
The case is very different with the afternoon and evening dances which have sprung up in such great numbers since the advent of the tango craze. Since anybody is admitted who pays the entrance fee, these are public affairs, and not private in any sense of the word. The so-called chaperon who at some places acts as mistress of ceremonies is supposed to pass judgment on the applicants for admission; but evidently it would not be possible for her to exercise this right of judgment except in the most superficial way. To a dance of this sort no young woman should think of going without a personal chaperon. In a city like New York we should strongly advise her to attend only afternoon affairs, and to remain an onlooker. In a smaller place where every one knows everybody else, and all are acquainted with the person getting up the dance, the case would be different. At a public dance the chaperon should not permit any introductions to be made to the young girl under her charge by persons unknown to her, and she most certainly should not allow the latter to dance with strangers. The mistress of ceremonies makes introductions where they are desired, but to form acquaintances in a public resort of this kind is not according to good form, and might indeed be very unsafe. Strangers coming to New York, or any other large city, should make careful inquiries before going to roof-gardens or other places of entertainment where there is dancing, for while some of these are entirely respectable, others are not.
We have said that at a private or subscription dance a girl often does not have a personal chaperon, the patronesses assuming the duties of the latter in a general way. When a matron does accompany a young woman, it is the duty of the former to promote the pleasure of her young charge, to prevent her from forming undesirable acquaintances and from making herself too conspicuous. For all these reasons she needs to keep a watchful eye on her daughter or other young friend. If the girl wanders off into the gallery in the company of some agreeable young man, mamma must go or send after them and bid them return to the floor of the ballroom. A patroness would do this in the case of an unchaperoned girl. If a girl shows too marked a partiality for any individual, the mother who is a clever woman of the world manages to break up the tête-à-tête.
She would do the same thing should a man of whom she disapproved be introduced to her daughter. Formerly a chaperon worthy of the name sat still and served as an island of refuge to the young woman under her care. The latter returned to her protecting wing to rest between the numbers of the programme, or when she had no partner for supper or dance. Whenever opportunity offered, the chaperon introduced young men to her charge. It must be confessed that the modern conditions of the ballroom restrict the beneficent activity of the matron on many occasions. In the first place, she finds it much harder to sit still. No one under the age of Methuselah is immune from the present craze for dancing. At the Charity Ball in New York this year the boxes were deserted, old as well as young capering about on the light fantastic toe. In the second place, the new custom of almost continuous dancing leaves few or no intervals for rest. Hence a girl cannot return to her chaperon so frequently as under the old régime.
Youth is apt to be selfish, often through thoughtlessness. The young woman who is having a delightful evening must not forget that the hours will pass much more slowly for her chaperon. Even if the latter dances herself, she will not be able to continue it so long as those of the younger generation. A girl must have some consideration for her mother and not keep her up until an unconscionably late hour. If mamma sends word to her daughter that it is time to go home, the latter should come without unnecessary delay. The girl should return to her mother’s side from time to time as opportunity offers, especially if the latter knows few people and is having a dull evening. She will, of course, always allow the older lady to precede her, and will introduce her young friends to her chaperon as occasion arises. Thus, when they make their first entrance into the ballroom at the beginning of the evening, the latter goes in a step or two in advance of the younger woman. If a man is of the party, he follows the ladies. The custom of entering arm-in-arm has gone entirely out of fashion, as we have already said. At subscription dances in New York it is usual to announce the guests as they go in, a servant standing at the door for the purpose. The patronesses should be in line to receive them; but at some dances there is no one to perform the office. These official hostesses may greet all comers with a bow or courtesy, or they may follow the more cordial custom of shaking hands. At the subscription dances in New York the last-named method is usually followed. In Boston a girl is taken up to the receiving-line by an usher. She then makes a sweeping courtesy to all the patronesses, and dances with him. Whether they shake hands or merely bow, it is the duty of the ladies who receive to do so in a gracious manner, as befits a hostess.
Should one take leave of the latter after a dance? This depends upon circumstances. The persons who take their departure early often slip out quietly, in order not to advertise the fact that they are going. It is not altogether a compliment to a hostess to leave early in the evening, and if many people did so it would tend to break up the ball. Should one pass near the lady of the house, however, politeness requires that one should bid her good night and express pleasure in the evening’s entertainment or congratulate her on its success. Later on, when the movement to go home becomes general, all take their leave of the hostess, and of the host, if he is standing near.
The discussion about the merits and demerits of the new styles of dancing has raged so vigorously in press and pulpit that every one is familiar with it. The result of all this debate has been good, since the objectionable features have been to a great extent removed. When the tango and the other new dances were first introduced, there was a great deal of unfavorable criticism of the method of holding the partner, and of the “shaking and wiggling” motions of the body. The latter was a consequence, it is said, of the slow movement of the music. This rendered it difficult to dance without a swaying accompaniment. By making the tempo a little more rapid it has been found possible to eliminate the last feature, and good dancers have proved that the tango, one-step, and the like can be executed well and gracefully without holding the partner too closely. It is evident that the new dances have been greatly modified, and that they will not be given up at present. It is pointed out that there always have been, and perhaps always will be, some persons who dance in a way that people of refinement disapprove of. It is a rule of good society to avoid everything that makes a person conspicuous, hence amateur dancers of good taste do not take their steps in the exaggerated and sensational style suitable only for professional performers.
A lady who wishes to give a large dance usually hires an assembly-room, unless she possesses a very spacious house. The arrangements at the front door, in the dressing-rooms, etc., are the same as those described elsewhere. Checks for the wraps, hats, and coats will be needed, cigars and cigarettes may be provided for the men. The use of dance programmes has been abandoned to a great extent, except at college, military, and naval balls. Here the young ladies often come from a distance, and the dance-cards are filled out for them beforehand by their brothers or friends.
Where a débutante is to be introduced to society she stands beside her mother, who shakes hands cordially with all her guests and then presents her daughter to the ladies, the men being introduced to the young girl. If the older daughters assist in receiving, they stand beyond the youngest. The husband sometimes receives with his wife, and sometimes does not. At a dance in a private house, a greater responsibility devolves upon the hostess than in a subscription affair, where a floor committee have the management of matters. She endeavors to provide her guests with partners, and makes some introductions, her husband and daughters assisting her.
At a subscription dance, if a young girl after making her bow to the patronesses fails to meet any one whom she knows, one of these official hostesses or a member of the floor committee presents a partner to her. These gentlemen wear a small boutonnière to indicate their office. It is their duty and pleasure to make everything go off well, and to assist the young girls in any way that may be needed. They know most of the guests and make introductions.
According to the present system of dancing, a number of the men form “a stag line” near the patronesses. After a couple have danced one or more times around the room, another man steps out from this line and “breaks in,” as the term is. That is to say, he interrupts their progress and asks the girl to dance with him. This she should certainly do, unless there is some very special reason for refusing. It would be awkward for the young man to go back to the line, as every one would see that his invitation had been declined. It would probably result in an awkward situation for the girl also, as to dance a long time with the same partner continuously is now considered highly undesirable. A young woman who does so runs the risk of being considered a wall-flower. If she does not know many of the young men present, it may happen that no one will “break in,” and it will become her duty, after a certain length of time, to release her partner. There are several ways of doing this. She may ask to speak to the patronesses or to another girl. In the last case an exchange of partners may be effected, or the young man whom she is releasing may bring up a third man and present him to the other young lady; or our young friend may appeal to a member of the floor committee. He will perhaps dance with her himself, or present another partner to her. Young women sometimes serve on the floor committee at a dance. These are usually girls who have been for some years in society.
While, as has been said, a young woman should not under ordinary circumstances refuse to dance with a man who “breaks in,” it is permissible for her to do so, if her partner is unwilling to release her. If he intimates to the new-comer that it is his dance and that he does not want to give it up, then the girl may, if she pleases, go on dancing with him. This arrangement of a stag line with frequent change of partners is suitable only for private or semi-private affairs, such as subscription dances. For a public ball the older method of engaging a partner for an entire number is the proper one.
For the time being, the cotillion, or German, has gone very much out of fashion. The modern system of continuous dancing and taking only short turns with each partner, makes it less of a compliment than formerly to engage a young lady for a single dance. Hence special emphasis is now laid on the invitation to supper. A man who wishes to make some return for hospitality extended to him, or to show a young woman particular attention, asks her to go in to supper with him, as he would a few years ago have engaged her for the German. Hence it is very desirable for a girl to have this part of the programme arranged in good season. If she has no partner when the supper-hour arrives, she is in rather an awkward position, especially if she has no chaperon. The man with whom she is talking at the moment will be obliged to excuse himself if he has previously arranged to take in some one else. She should ask him to escort her to her chaperon, if the latter is present, or to the patronesses; or she may retire to the dressing-room or go home. Occasionally one girl joins another who is provided with an escort, but this is seldom advisable, even if the two young women know each other well. Since “Two are company but three are a crowd,” a girl does not wish to spoil her friend’s pleasure by making an unwelcome third member of the party.
If the young lady has a supper-partner, the question may be asked, what becomes of her chaperon at a subscription dance? The latter sometimes goes into the dining-room with one of the older men, or she joins the patronesses. These ladies are now quite independent, and go in to supper with or without male escort, as they find convenient, since few of the husbands attend the dances. The young people march in after the elders, going in pairs, but not arm-in-arm. Sometimes four or five couples arrange to have supper together, and thus make a merry affair of it.
At a dance in a private house, when the musicians play the march which indicates that all is in readiness in the dining-room, the host leads the way thither with the eldest or the most distinguished lady present. The other guests follow without formality. The hostess makes sure that all have preceded her, or, if some of the ladies prefer to remain in the drawing-room, she despatches a gentleman or one of the waiters to attend to their wants. This in case the service is “en buffet.” If little tables are provided for the guests, then all should be seated thereat. Should the supper-room not be large enough to contain these comfortably, the tables should be brought in and distributed about the drawing-rooms and halls. With this arrangement a course supper is provided. The buffet service is easier and calls for fewer waiters to serve the guests. The large table, decked with lights, flowers, and many good things to eat, produces a brilliant effect. As much space as possible is procured by setting all the chairs against the walls of the dining-room. It must be confessed, however, that when the company is large there is often an unpleasant jam in the supper-room.
Bouillon, salads, croquettes, oysters, sandwiches or rolls, ices, fancy cakes, bonbons, and coffee constitute the usual bill of fare, to which other and more expensive dainties, such as terrapin and birds, are sometimes added. For an informal dance the menu may be much simplified. If wine is served, it is usually champagne, although less expensive and less “heady” beverages, such as light Rhine wines, are sometimes substituted. There should always be a punch-bowl filled with lemonade, wine-cup, or punch that is not too strong, placed in the hall or elsewhere for the benefit of thirsty dancers. On a formal occasion a servant ladles this out. At an informal affair the guests help themselves.
At a large public function, such as the Charity Ball in New York, the floor committee make introductions if these are desired, but the guests usually go with their own parties. Where the tickets cost five dollars apiece, in addition to the price of the supper, a certain degree of exclusiveness is attained, although, as we all know, there are many persons who have plenty of money yet lack social culture and experience.
The opening of such an affair is quite imposing. The officers of the ball enter in a grand march, the patronesses coming first on the arms of the governors, the remaining members of the committee following two by two, all the men wearing badges. Where officers of the army and navy take part, their uniforms add to the brilliancy of the general effect. There is usually no reception of guests at such a function, and no formal entrance to the supper-room. The thoughtful man endeavors to have a table reserved for his party when a great many people are present.
All the large hotels in New York now have roof-gardens where there is dancing in the afternoon and evening. Many people go to these as lookers-on, ordering a cup of tea, ices, and coffee or wine. The price of admission in the daytime usually includes the cost of the tea. At certain of the evening resorts the very objectionable custom exists of charging no entrance fee but demanding that guests shall purchase a bottle of champagne. Those who refuse to order wine and insist upon having a milder beverage are furnished with coffee at the price of one dollar for each cup. Careful people do not patronize places of this sort unless they look in for a short time as a matter of curiosity. If they wish to dance, they go to hotels of established reputation, usually in parties of four or six. They can thus have a good time together and be entirely independent of the rest of the company.
“Dinner dances” may be given either at the residence of the hostess or at assembly-rooms, as is most convenient. An entertainment at a private house brings with it an atmosphere of hospitality which is lacking in a hotel ballroom. Hence, if the affair is not on so large a scale as to overcrowd her rooms and if these have good hard-wood floors, the hostess will probably decide to use her own house. If a large number of persons are to be invited, it will be necessary to engage the requisite space at a good hotel. The hostess sends out two sets of invitations; those for the dinner are in her own name, and that of her husband also, with the words “Dancing at eleven” or “ten,” as the case may demand, in the lower left-hand corner. The invitations for the dance are in the name of the hostess alone. They may be in the “At Home” or “Requests the pleasure” form. The hour for the second part of the entertainment must be late enough to insure the termination of the dinner before the arrival of those invited for the dancing only. Great pains must be taken to have the floors in first-class condition, polished sufficiently, yet not made too slippery. For a small dinner dance at a private house, the supper should be a simple affair, served “en buffet.”
The combination “dinner dance” affords a pleasant way of dividing the evening’s hospitality so that no hostess need be unduly burdened. Several friends arrange to give dinners on the same evening, one of the circle undertaking to have a dance at her house, or at an assembly-room if she prefers. In either case she assumes the expense of the occasion; she furnishes the supper, engages the musicians, and the hall also, if the affair takes place there. The guests “go on” in automobiles or omnibuses from the various houses where they have been entertained, meeting at the dwelling of the latest hostess, or at the assembly-room, at ten or eleven o’clock. The dancing usually lasts till one or two o’clock.
For a ball, women wear their handsomest clothes, and married ladies adorn themselves with a profusion of jewels. All appear in décolleté gowns made with short sleeves and more or less train, according to the fashion of the moment. In America many elderly ladies claim exemption from this fashion, thinking the costume inappropriate to persons of their years. Here, at least, we are certainly more sensible than our English sisters, who make a sort of fetish of the low-necked gown. While some American women carry this style to an immodest extreme, the majority are too wise to do so. Ball dresses for married ladies are made of rich and expensive materials—silks, satins, brocades—trimmed with beautiful laces or combined with chiffon or other gauzy stuffs. While a great deal of jewelry is worn, it is well to have a certain unity of effect. The woman who puts on a great variety of jewels combined in a tasteless way may produce a strong impression upon the beholder, but it will not be an agreeable one. For young girls, décolleté gowns of diaphanous material, either white or of a delicate tint, are the most appropriate and becoming. They should wear little jewelry, simplicity being the keynote of their costume. Diamonds and rich laces are not suitable for a débutante. Men wear the regulation evening dress, black swallow-tail coat with trousers to match, low-cut white waistcoat, white dress-shirt, patent-leather shoes or pumps, black socks, white lawn tie, and white or light gloves.
IX
AUTOMOBILE TRIPS
The Automobilist as Host—Provision for Comfort of Guests—Duties of Guest—Dress and Luggage—Automobile Picnics—Entertainment of Chauffeur—When a Visit Becomes a Visitation.
THE owner of an automobile is able to entertain his friends in a pleasant way with comparatively little trouble. He can take them out for a spin without interfering with the machinery of the household or giving extra work to the servants. Almost every one enjoys motoring in warm weather, and it is easy to stop for luncheon at a country club or an inn or to have a picnic by the wayside, should the owner of the car wish to show more than mere “carriage hospitality.” The trip may be short or long, as he pleases, and as he thinks will be agreeable to his guests. If these are persons who are not young, or who are unaccustomed to motoring, he must be careful not to take them too far nor too fast. The fatigue of going a long distance at a rapid rate is a severe tax on the uninitiated. It is well to have the excursion include some object of interest, such as a beautiful piece of scenery or fine buildings. During the great heat, motoring for its own sake is found very refreshing, simply because the rapidity of the motion makes every one feel cool. In winter few people care to go out for pleasure trips, but many persons continue to use their cars as a quick and convenient way of getting about, when the snow and mud are not too bad. It is a kind attention to lend a friend one’s automobile for a shopping tour or for paying visits. She should not detain it a moment after the hour named for its return. If none has been mentioned, she may be able to find out from the chauffeur how much time the trip is expected to occupy, or calculate it herself, remembering that one should not overtax the generosity of a friend. Having decided upon the hour when the car should return, it is well to say to the chauffeur, “Please let me know when it is time to turn back.” One should in any event use the car only for a moderate distance, since every mile traversed costs a certain sum.
The automobilist who has invited one or more ladies to go out with him stops for them in his car. Arrived at their dwelling, he asks to have them informed that the car is there, and waits for them in the reception or drawing-room. He assists his guests to enter the car, and wraps the robe carefully around them, tucking it in at the sides. In winter, plenty of fur or heavy woolen robes should be provided. In summer lighter ones will suffice, with linen covers to protect the dresses from the dust. For an open car, it is well to have several pairs of goggles of different kinds on hand, and to offer these to the guests if a long trip is contemplated or if the roads are dusty. The host asks whether the ladies would like the windows open or closed, and the wind-shield up or down. In the course of the trip he repeats these inquiries, especially if there is a strong breeze blowing, or if a change occurs in the weather. Having made sure that his guests are comfortably settled, he climbs in and takes his place. While the tonneau, or main body of the automobile, is held to be the place of honor, because it is less exposed than the front seats, the latter are really more comfortable in many cars because the motion is less felt there. Hence if the host is driving himself, he will ask whether any of his guests would like to sit beside him. Some young lady will probably prefer to do so, unless he is a very tiresome person. A good driver does not go too fast, and proceeds with caution over the rough places, in order not to shake up the occupants of the car.
The host decides in what direction the trip shall be, although he may very properly ask whether his guests would like to go there. If requested to do so, the latter are at liberty to express their choice. A courteous person does not insist, however, on being taken in any special direction. Where the proposed trip is a long one, and the guest has a later engagement, he should say frankly: “I should enjoy very much going to ——, but I fear there will not be time, as I have promised to be down-town at five o’clock.”
If the excursion is to be an all-day or overnight affair, it is usually arranged beforehand. When the owner of the car invites the party to go with him at his expense and makes this evident by saying explicitly, “I want you all to be my guests for the trip,” he pays the hotel bill and all other costs. He acts as host just as he would in his own house, ordering the meals and naming the hours when they shall be served. He should inquire whether any of the party would like to have breakfast served in their own rooms. He plans the whole trip and lays out the course to be traversed each day.
There are some circumstances, however, under which the automobilist may very properly offer only a limited hospitality to his guests. Thus, it may happen that a number of friends all wish to go to see a football game or other athletic contest in a neighboring town. If one of the number then offers to take them there in his car, it is understood of course that his hospitality extends only to the means of transportation. All procure their tickets beforehand, and the expense of the entertainment at the hotel is divided among them. When one is doubtful on which plan the trip is to be conducted, one should by all means endeavor to pay one’s share. It is best in a case of this sort for a single individual to speak for the rest. He can say when the time comes for payment, “You must let us know, John, what our share of the hotel bill is.” Or it could be proposed beforehand that one of the number should act as treasurer. This is an ungrateful office to fill, since some one is apt to forget to pay, and dunning friends is an unpleasant task. The man selected should not be the host, who may be thought to have done his share. He should, however, be the richest man of the party; first, because it will be easier for him than for his poorer comrades to bear any loss should there be one; second, because in nine cases out of ten rich people care more about money than poor ones; third, because they are more accustomed to making financial arrangements. Hence the job of collecting is less difficult for them. A guest should embark on a motor-trip with the intention of having a good time and enjoying all that there is to be enjoyed. He should be prepared to take any delay or mishap with cheerful philosophy. A man or a woman who possesses the true spirit of sport will not sulk or complain if the tire bursts or the engine for some mysterious reason refuses to work. All complicated machinery is liable to accident, and if one enjoys all the advantages of very rapid motion, one must expect from time to time to experience the drawbacks. Neither should one take it in dudgeon if rain comes on. The host cannot be expected to insure good weather. A guest sitting in the rear must not talk to the driver. The latter must constantly watch the road, and cannot turn his head to speak to any one behind him without risk of accident.
The automobile practically annihilates distance, thus greatly increasing the number of places which can be readily reached from any given spot. A picnic to which the company go in motor-cars may be ten, twenty, or more miles away. If many people are to take part in it, the site must be selected with great care. When half a dozen friends go off for a frolic, it does not so much matter what sort of place they choose, because if it does not come up to their expectations they can eat their luncheon without leaving the car. For a larger number all the arrangements should be carefully made in advance. A committee of one or more should visit the chosen spot beforehand, and get the owner’s permission to hold the picnic there. It is very sad for a party of friends on pleasure bent to be warned off the grounds just as they have their whole luncheon unpacked and spread out on the grass. Yet this frequently happens at places in the neighborhood of summer resorts. The city visitor, misled by the uncultivated aspect of some beautiful spot, fails to realize that it is private property, and that the owners may find it extremely inconvenient to have their premises constantly invaded and their privacy destroyed. Some owners are willing to allow picknickers to come to their places, provided permission is obtained beforehand, the débris removed, and no damage done to the trees and shrubs. The vandalism of certain summer visitors is hardly believable. They will calmly leave the unsightly and unwholesome remains of their repast lying about to offend the eyes and nostrils of later comers and to breed flies. Farmers and others sometimes make a regular charge for letting their grounds for the day.
Our committee of one should choose a spot where the grass is not too long, and should find out whether there is any danger of an incursion by cattle. It is very desirable to select a place near shade-trees. Luncheon-baskets furnished with knives, forks, etc., can now be readily purchased. Cold water, fruit-punch, or lemonade and hot coffee may be conveniently transported in Thermos bottles. Some people carry chafing-dishes and prepare scrambled eggs, mushrooms, or Welsh rarebit on the spot. It is usual to have every one contribute some article to the bill of fare at a picnic. In order that there shall not be a surplus of one article and a shortage of another, the persons or committee who get up the affair should arrange with each individual or party what they shall bring. If there are tables at the appointed rendezvous, cold ham, chickens, etc., may be brought whole. If the cloth is to be spread upon the grass, the carving should all be done beforehand. The idea of a picnic is that it shall be a more or less unceremonious occasion, yet care must be taken that informality does not degenerate into slovenly disorder. The food should all be done up neatly and daintily, napkins of paper, if not of linen, should be provided, also knives and forks and spoons where these will be needed.
The best results are secured by deputing two or more persons to arrange the table, instead of intrusting this task to the whole company. When the feast is ready the gentlemen pass the dishes to the ladies, but it is a part of the fun to have the latter assist in the work. If there are older people present, they are asked to sit still and be waited upon. At formal picnics the table is arranged and the food set out by servants. Impromptu vaudeville, charades, tableaux, or songs with guitar accompaniment make a pleasant ending to the affair, where time permits. Dancing has always been popular on these occasions. They are often held at some place of resort which boasts a hall or open-air platform for the dancers.
In dressing for a trip in a motor-car, a woman should wear a small, close-fitting hat or an automobile bonnet. This and the large veil covering it should be securely fastened down, so that there will be no danger of their blowing away. All superfluous ribbons and streamers should be avoided for the same reason. A dust-cloak of linen or pongee is a great protection in summer. As such a garment affords little warmth, the tourist should provide herself with a cloth coat also. Men wear small caps and dusters or light overcoats. Since there is little room for luggage on a car, a guest who is invited to go for a tour should take as little as possible, packing it in a suit-case or bag, or small automobile trunk, if she has received permission to carry one. Since motoring is extremely dusty business, it is well to take a change of costume to wear in the evening, if this is to be spent at an inn. Foulards and India silks are excellent for this purpose, as they weigh so little and are not easily creased or tumbled. If one has not space for an entire gown, a dressy waist should be carried.
The craze for motoring has developed many wayside inns scattered along the routes most frequented by tourists. Some of these are ancient hostelries, or reproductions of the same, charmingly furnished in ye olden style. Here travelers by automobile stop for lunch, afternoon tea, or dinner, or to spend the night. As inn-keepers sometimes charge the owners of motor-cars extortionate prices, those who wish to avoid great expense should carry lunch-baskets with them. They can then arrange an impromptu picnic by the wayside and so be independent of landlords, should the latter be unreasonable in their charges. Indeed, many people consider these wayside lunches part of the fun of a motor-trip. They start off for a tour of several days, equipped with a large basket containing plenty of provisions. Some picturesque spot is chosen for the daily picnic, the basket being replenished at shops or hotels en route, should this be necessary.
People who wish to go on a motor-trip in Europe now find it better to take over their own car and chauffeur, rather than to hire these on the other side of the water. It is necessary, however, to procure a permit allowing the party to cross from one country into another. Otherwise the traveler is subject to vexatious delays at the frontiers. The owner of a car must always remember that the chauffeur, like the passengers, requires food at regular intervals. Sometimes an allowance is made to him and he gets his meals where he likes; sometimes his employer arranges for his entertainment. As he is usually of a better class than the ordinary domestic, he is not willing to eat with the servants. He prefers to take his meals after his employer, but at the same table. If the latter is visiting at an expensive inn, and there are cheaper ones of a suitable character in the neighborhood, he may request his chauffeur to dine or spend the night at one of these, furnishing him with the money.
Instead of staying at an inn, the automobilist sometimes makes a visit to friends in the country. Where this is by invitation, the host entertains the chauffeur, or arranges to have him cared for in the neighborhood. As the touring party probably consists of two or three people in addition, such a visit, if prolonged, may readily become a tax on the hospitality of the host. Hence the stay should be limited to one or two nights, else it may become a “visitation.”
If a party of motorists stop to lunch or spend the night at a friend’s house without previous invitation, they should endeavor to provide for the entertainment of their chauffeur elsewhere, since it would hardly be courteous to put this additional strain on the hospitality of their host.
X
BRIDGE PARTIES AND EVENING RECEPTIONS
Arrangement of the Card-tables—Playing for Prizes—Good and Bad Manners at the Card-table—Why Certain People are not Asked—Duties of Hostess—Card Parties for Charity—Dress and Etiquette of Evening Receptions.
THE extreme popularity of bridge has somewhat lessened since the tango craze invaded society. Card-playing still has many devotees, however, and is likely to have them in the future, as in the past. When not carried on too strenuously, it affords a mild and gentle form of amusement that is especially valuable to elderly persons, or to younger ones of quiet tastes.
For a bridge party, card-tables and light chairs can be hired from furniture stores or caterers. Ordinary tables may be used, provided they are large enough to seat four persons comfortably, and not so large as to make it difficult to reach across them to gather up the tricks. It is now thought well to cover them with a cloth, although our grandparents used the bare mahogany, if we may judge by the tables that have come down to us. Hostesses who often give card parties will find it convenient to buy several tables. These may be covered with green baize or enamel cloth, or upholstered in silk or damask to match the room. In the latter case one should have white linen slips that can be taken off and washed every time they are used. Small, light chairs are preferred to heavy ones, and they must be of the right height. The hostess should measure her rooms beforehand, to see how many people she can accommodate comfortably.
Space must be left to pass between the tables, and these must not be placed too near steam-pipes or draughty windows. The drawing-rooms should be well ventilated before the guests arrive, yet not quite so cool as they would be for a dance. Should they become close in the course of the evening, the hostess should be careful not to open a window without warning those in the vicinity that she is about to do so, and so give them an opportunity of changing their seats. In a house furnished with electric lights, it is easy to have the rooms well lighted yet not overheated. Where it is necessary to use lamps or candles, their arrangement will require some care. They must be near enough the players to enable them to see, yet never set on the card-table itself. It is dangerous to place them on stands so small and light that they are liable to be upset.
All the paraphernalia used in the game, the playing-cards, scoring tablets or cards, counters, etc., must be fresh and in good condition. A pencil that refuses to write furnishes one of the peculiarly exasperating, though small, miseries of life. If many people are invited, new cards should be provided. For progressive euchre there must be punches and score-cards. The hostess asks some one to do the punching, or attends to it herself. At a large party she does not play unless it is necessary to fill an empty place.
Some persons think it no harm to play for money, provided the stakes are very small. The habit of gambling, which was introduced into society in this country not many years ago, has resulted in such scandals and so much evil that the wisest and safest way is to avoid it altogether. Even where there is playing for money, a hostess must provide one or more tables for those guests who object to it on principle. Good form and common sense alike demand this. Many people become so excited by the desire to win the prize or stakes of the evening that they treat one another with scanty politeness, and the unfortunate player who makes a mistake is often roundly scolded for her carelessness. During the card mania which prevailed at Newport a year or two ago, it was said that many people did not speak as they passed by, owing to quarrels over bridge. To give prizes that are very handsome and expensive is not considered to be in the best taste. The hostess should take pains to secure articles that are pretty and attractive, but not of great money value. It is also thought best not to show them until the playing is over.
Some people find it interesting to play nominally, but not actually, for money. A gentleman who took part in a series of games while crossing the Atlantic was relieved when the voyage was over to find that the ladies of the party construed all the financial obligations in a purely Pickwickian sense. The score was made out, but no payments were permitted. It need scarcely be said that a real debt at the gaming-table is held to be one of honor, for the simple reason that there is no legal obligation to pay it. To induce a young man or woman to play, and perhaps lose a large sum of money, may be thought a greater offense against honor.
Good form demands that all who take part in a game of cards shall pay strict attention to it and follow the rules. Not every one can win, but all should do their best. It is extremely annoying to devotees of bridge to be interrupted by conversation while the hands are being played. The great actress Charlotte Cushman once had her patience severely taxed by a gentleman who persisted in talking to her partner. Presently she said in her rich, deep voice, with great emphasis:
“Remember, this is whist.”
The effect was startling, and the offender sinned no more, at least on that occasion.
If a player does her best, more cannot be expected of her. To find fault with one’s partner, asking her in an injured tone why she did not return a certain lead, or why she played that ace of hearts second hand, is decidedly bad form. We must always remember that among ladies and gentlemen card-playing should be considered as an amusement, serious if you will, but nevertheless a form of diversion and not a matter of business. Hence the well-bred woman loses neither her temper nor her philosophical spirit. She may wish to win, but her desire must not be so overwhelming as to make every one feel uncomfortable if she loses. If she destroys the pleasure of her neighbors by sulking, by snubbing or scolding her partner, she has only herself to thank if she is not invited to card parties. The habitual late-comer is also likely to be left out. The person who arrives after every one has begun to play, or who leaves before the games are over, interferes seriously with the pleasure of others. As we have said above, the hostess does not play when many persons are present, in order that she may be free to receive late-comers and to have a general supervision of the comfort and pleasure of her guests.
Bridge parties may be arranged for the afternoon or evening, or they may take place in connection with a luncheon or a dinner. In either of the latter cases it suffices to have lemonade or some other cooling drink handed to the guests as they sit at the card-table. Some hostesses offer sandwiches also, or give ices in the evening; others serve tea in the afternoon. Where guests are invited to the card party only, a light supper is served in the evening. Hostesses who expect to have bridge follow a dinner should either invite card-players only or else arrange for the entertainment of those who do not take part in the game. It is rather forlorn for a single couple to be left out in the cold when the players retire to another room and shut the doors to avoid being disturbed. The former, having no one save their hosts to talk to, soon take their leave.
Card parties are often used as a means of raising money for a charity, or for the work of a society. These may be given at a hotel, a woman’s club-house, or a private house. In the case last mentioned, the hostess throws open her rooms and provides the refreshments, or a part of them, as may be preferred. The members of the society may each bring a cake or some sandwiches, the lady of the house furnishing tea and chocolate. It is usually arranged to have several ladies buy a table apiece for a certain sum of money. If this is two dollars, they sell the single seats to their friends for fifty cents each, or invite the latter to come as their guests. They bring their own outfit—cards, score, and the light, collapsible tables that are easily carried; or these may be sent beforehand to the house of the hostess. Occasionally an enterprising member of the society brings some of her own handiwork and offers it for sale, thus netting an additional sum for the charitable enterprise.
Evening receptions, unless enlivened by some special attraction, are less popular now than in the earlier and simpler society of the Victorian era. One of their obvious advantages is that men can attend them, another is that they enable the hostess with limited space at her command to invite a number of guests who would overcrowd her rooms should she attempt to give a dance. The evening reception is a favorite form of entertainment for introducing a distinguished guest to a circle of friends. Certain hostesses in New York still receive on one evening in the week, and succeed in gathering in their drawing-rooms an interesting company of literary and artistic folk—people who know how to talk and who enjoy doing so. A bride and groom may conveniently issue cards for one or more evening receptions when they are settled in their new home. They thus make themselves known to new friends and renew acquaintance with old ones.
A reception in the evening is gayer than an affair in the daytime, yet it need not necessarily be formal. For a large and handsome function, engraved invitations in the names of both husband and wife are issued, the “At Home” form being ordinarily used. If it is in honor of distinguished guests, the phrase, “To meet Mr. and Mrs. —— ——” is added.
According to strict rule, the “At Home” formula does not require an answer. It is always polite, however, to send regrets if one is unable to attend the entertainment. For one or more informal receptions, the joint visiting-card of husband and wife may be used, with the words “At Home” and the date written in, the hours also (“9 to 11” in the city), if desired. The arrangements are the same as for any evening occasion. The central part of the drawing-rooms is cleared of furniture, and vases, small stands, or other articles liable to be knocked over are removed to some other part of the house. If the occasion is a large and stately one, potted plants or other floral decorations may adorn the rooms, while an orchestra composed of a few stringed instruments discourses sweet sounds behind a leafy trellis. A handsome supper is served in the dining-room during the greater part of the evening, since guests are supposed to come and go rather than to stay through a reception.
It is in perfectly good form, however, to receive in a much more simple fashion, in accordance with the customs of good society in continental Europe. It is not necessary to provide either music, elaborate floral decorations, or an expensive supper. In Italy, where evening receptions are a favorite form of entertainment, ladies of rank give their guests lemonade and biscuits, or sponge-cake and wine, or nothing at all! At an occasion of this sort husband and wife usually receive together, presenting all the company to the guest of honor, who stands beside them.
At a formal affair the guests are usually announced by a man-servant. He inquires their names and calls these out as they enter the drawing-room. One does not leave cards at an evening reception. All wear evening dress, as described in [Chapter VII]. Ladies seldom wear hats, however, as they occasionally do at a public reception.
XI
HOTELS, RESTAURANTS, AND ROOF-GARDENS
How to Entertain a Guest at a Hotel in the City and in the Country—Etiquette for the Guest in Hotels and Restaurants—Dress for Morning, Afternoon, and Evening.
IN these days of apartment-houses, the spare bedroom has been necessarily eliminated from many households. This does not mean that hospitality to friends from a distance has ceased to exist, but only that it must be practised in a different way. If one has not sufficient space to make a guest comfortable in one’s own dwelling, one should arrange for her accommodation at a hotel. The room must be engaged, and if possible visited beforehand. The hostess should see with her own eyes, or with those of a trustworthy agent, that the apartment is sufficiently large, well lighted and heated. A pleasant outlook is desirable anywhere, but indispensable in the country. A foreign gentleman of distinction attending a certain congress in the United States a year or two ago was quartered in a small, stuffy, inner room. So great was his dissatisfaction that the president of the learned body was summoned. Fortunately, the latter was of an ingenious turn of mind. Spying a fire-escape on the outside of the window, he explained at some length to the foreigner the extreme desirability of the room—on account of the proximity of this important mode of exit. The guest was entirely satisfied with the explanation, and peace once more reigned among the philosophers.
If the host’s means will permit, he should engage for his friend a room with a bath. He should also instruct the clerk at the desk to have the bill for room, meals, and service presented to him and not to the guest. The latter will have no expense except fees to the servants. These vary with the length of the stay and with the character of the hotel. A woman is not expected to spend so much on tips as a man. It is usually best for a transient guest to fee the waiter at each meal, since another man will probably be in attendance at the next one. The usual rule is to give ten per cent. of the sum paid for lunch or dinner—ten cents being the minimum—except at a restaurant of humble pretensions, where five will be gladly accepted by the waitress.
In addition to feeing the waiter, a lady gives a small sum to the chambermaid—twenty-five cents for a stay of a day or two. Ten cents should be sufficient for the porter when he brings up a trunk, and again when he takes it away. The ubiquitous hall-boy strongly resembles the daughter of the horse-leech. Here again, as in the case of the waiter, the safest way seems to be to hand him ten cents, I will not say whenever he appears, but whenever he performs any service for the guest—such as escorting the latter to her room on her arrival, or bringing a glass of ice-water. Women of frugal mind endeavor to call on these functionaries as little as they can, because the cents readily mount into dollars. The elevator-boy receives fewer tips than his peripatetic brother, and need not be feed after a short stay.
It is always courteous to send exact information about trains to a person coming from a distance. A man is usually able to take care of himself, but for a woman it is not altogether pleasant to arrive alone in a strange place. The hostess should meet her friend at the station, or send some one else to do so and to bring her to the hotel. Here the hostess should show her guest where to register and see her comfortably established. If unable to meet the traveler at the train, the hostess should call soon afterward in order to welcome her guest and to see that the latter has everything that she needs. Where the friend from a distance has come for a special occasion, such as a luncheon or a reception, the hostess calls to take her to it and brings her back afterward, or sends a carriage or car. The hostess should invite the guest to a meal at her own house, or if this is not possible she usually arranges to lunch or dine with her friend at the hotel. When the time comes for departure, she pays the hotel bill before her guest appears on the scene or after the latter has left, escorts her to the train, and sees her off. If a lady comes on the invitation of a club, the secretary or chairman of entertainment acts as hostess and fulfils all the duties named above, except that it is not obligatory to invite the visitor to her house, although it is always kind to do so. There is often some member of the society living in the hotel who will invite the lecturer to take one or more meals at her table, and will see in a general way after her comfort. Some speakers, however, prefer to remain alone, finding it an extra fatigue to be entertained.
When a hostess invites a friend for a stay of several days or a week, she endeavors to select a hotel in her own neighborhood. She often arranges to have the latter take all meals at her house, and plans for her amusement as she would for a visitor under her own roof. Should the distance, or some other circumstance, make it more convenient for the friend to use the hotel dining-room, the hostess should call every morning, or ring up on the telephone, to inquire how the visitor is and make arrangements for the day’s programme, unless this has been agreed upon on the previous evening. In the city, a guest from out of town usually enjoys sight-seeing, the theater, opera, and concerts. A woman of serious tastes likes to go to lectures and meetings; her more light-minded sister enjoys shopping. In the country, motoring, boating, bathing, and the various athletic sports in their season offer a variety of attractions. If one can arrange a number of social entertainments for a friend, and have her asked out to lunch or dine at other houses as well as at that of the hostess, this is paying her a special compliment.
The best way to entertain a party of friends at a restaurant is to engage the table and choose the bill of fare beforehand. Where the luncheon or supper is an impromptu affair, this is not always possible. The host may then consult his guests about the dishes, or he may make out the menu and hand it to the waiter. If the service is à la carte, it is rather awkward to pass the bill of fare to the guests, since the prices will stare them in the face. Those who have delicacy of feeling will hesitate to order costly dishes at the expense of another person. Those who have no such scruples may make the bill too heavy for the purse of the host. Therefore the latter does well to keep the bill of fare in his own hands and give the order himself, consulting his guests first, if he pleases. It is generally safer to avoid novel or very elaborate dishes, unless one knows something about them. They are less apt to be satisfactory, and are liked by fewer people than the plain, ordinary articles of food.
The party may go together to the restaurant, after an evening at the theater for instance, or they may meet there for dinner or luncheon. If the affair takes place at a hotel, the guests assemble in a public parlor. Where the host is a man, a young woman should go under the charge of her mother or other chaperon. It is bad form for a young girl to take any meal at a restaurant with a young man alone. When a woman has reached the age of thirty and is still unmarried, the strictness of this rule is slightly relaxed in her favor. Custom permits her to lunch or take afternoon tea with a young man who is her relative, or a friend whom she knows well. But she must neither dine nor sup with him. At some restaurants ladies are not admitted after a certain hour without a male escort. Quiet, middle-aged women wishing to dine at some establishment of good reputation in New York have been justly indignant when refused permission to do so. The existence of this regulation shows us how careful young women must be about the places where they dine. There are quiet restaurants connected with family hotels where they can get their dinner without exciting any remark.
At a ladies’ lunch the hostess leads the way to the dining-room, taking with her the oldest or the most distinguished woman present. The entry is without formality, as in the case of a luncheon in a private house. At a dinner or supper the host goes in advance of his guests. If the party consists of young people under the charge of a chaperon, he asks her to sit at his right hand or opposite to him. If it consists of married couples, he requests the eldest or the most distinguished lady to take the place at his right. A woman does not stay alone at a hotel unless she is no longer young, or unless she is in some business which makes this necessary. She should endeavor to choose a quiet hostelry, and to so dress and act as to avoid attracting attention. At some hotels, ladies traveling without trunks are not received. The clerk at the desk is usually a man of good judgment and experience. He “sizes up” the persons asking for rooms, and if they seem to him undesirable inmates for the hotel, they will be informed that everything is engaged. The feminine guest, when traveling alone for the first time, may feel some trepidation as she approaches a country inn or city hotel. She will be reassured when she remembers that it is the business of the landlord to entertain strangers, and that the living of every one in the establishment depends upon his giving good service to the traveling public. In a city hotel, there are hall-boys at every turn to show her just where to go.
She enters the hotel by the ladies’ door, if there is one, and proceeds at once to the desk. Here she inquires about rooms and prices, mentions how long her stay is likely to be, and registers her name in the hotel book. If she is a young woman, she receives any gentleman that may call on her in the public parlor or reception-room, and avoids being out late in the evening as much as possible. While all guests have a right to complain of imperfections in service, etc., it is bad form to find fault constantly about trivial matters. Some persons fancy that behavior of this sort gives them an air of importance, whereas in reality it shows that they are either selfish and querulous or lacking in experience. The courteous traveler is a bit philosophical. He knows that delays will sometimes occur and that every one cannot be waited upon first. He will not allow himself to be imposed upon without making a remonstrance, but he will not continually assert his rights. A lady traveling alone needs to be especially careful about the manner in which she makes complaints at a hotel. To hear a woman scold is unpleasant even in the family circle, but in a public place it is lamentable. There voice and temper alike must be kept under strict control.
Young girls do not, of course, stay at a hotel in the city or country unless accompanied by mother or chaperon. At summer resorts they are sometimes thoughtless about loud talk and laughter in the corridors and lobbies of a hotel, and about sitting on the veranda in the company of an agreeable youth until an unduly late hour. They are so carried away by their high spirits, and are having such a delightful time, that they forget how censorious the world is. They forget that in a public place it is necessary to be quieter and more reserved in manner than in a private house, and thus show that one understands and respects the laws of good-breeding.
When staying at a hotel, one should be dressed well but not in a conspicuous way. Ladies may wear their hats or not, as they find convenient. Thus, if one were going out immediately after breakfast, one would come down in a simply made street costume. Matinées and tea-gowns are very charming in the privacy of home, but their informality makes them inappropriate at a hotel. In summer, pretty tub dresses, which please the beholder by their freshness and simplicity, are especially becoming to young women. Older ladies wear gowns of the same material made in a style suitable to their years, or appear in foulards, voiles, or other thin stuffs. Elaborate costumes are not appropriate for the morning. In winter a lady may come down to breakfast at a hotel in a morning dress made all in one piece, or in a skirt of woolen stuff with waist of silk, chiffon, or other thin material either white or of the same color as the skirt.
For the afternoon a lady may retain her street suit, or she may put on a handsomer one. If she is not going out she may prefer to wear a house dress of more expensive material, and made in a more elaborate style, than would be suitable in the morning. According to the present fashion, such a gown would be cut down at the throat, with half-length sleeves. Whether the sojourner at a hotel changes or does not change her gown in the afternoon, she should do so for late dinner, since morning costume would not then be appropriate. As we have already seen, a variety of dress is permissible at these public places of entertainment, because guests are arriving, departing, or going out for engagements of all sorts. The general rule, however, to which there are some exceptions, prescribes evening dress for the evening. At large and fashionable hotels in New York, many of the women wear décolleté gowns. A lady invited to a dinner party at one of these places would dress as she would at a private house. In smaller cities, and at quieter hotels, low-necked dresses are not so often seen.
If a lady intends to take an evening train she may, if she pleases, appear at dinner in traveling hat and dress. If she is going to the theater, opera-house, or concert-hall, she will wear the kind of costume described in [Chapter XII].
Correspondents sometimes ask what the proper dress is for Sunday evening at a hotel. Opinions on this subject vary in accordance with people’s religious views or inherited traditions. While the old-fashioned strict observance of the Sabbath has been much relaxed both in England and in America, the Puritan view of the day still strongly influences the manners and customs of the country at large. Those who hold to it prefer to dress quietly and to eschew low-necked gowns on Sunday evening. They appear in costumes suitable to wear at church, even if they have no intention of going there. There are many other people, especially in a cosmopolitan city like New York, who hold no such view of the observance of Sunday, and dress then as they would on any other day of the week.
Ladies always retain their hats in the daytime at a restaurant or roof-garden. They remove their gloves on sitting down to table, and throw back or take off their outer wraps. It is usually possible to check these, but many people object to the delay involved. Women of good taste prefer to dress quietly if they attend a dancing-tea at one of these places, and thus avoid attracting special attention. At certain restaurants an effort is made to compel all guests to wear evening dress. This is merely copying an English fashion ill-suited to a democratic country. At the Hotel Savoy in London they enforce such a rule. An American lady who had reached the half-century limit, and did not care to appear in public in a low-necked dress, went not long ago to the restaurant there with a party of young friends. She wore a new and expensive Paris dress and her handsomest jewels. The young people were all in evening dress, but because the chaperon did not have on a décolleté gown they were refused admission to the restaurant, and were obliged to content themselves with dining in the grill-room! At the best hotels in New York, such as Delmonico’s, the Astor, and the Plaza, ladies may wear costumes with hats or full evening dress, as they find most convenient. For afternoon dances at hotels and roof-gardens, men usually come in business suits. After six o’clock evening dress is the proper costume. The dinner-jacket, or informal evening dress, as it may be called, is often worn for dancing at roof-gardens, because it is more comfortable than the long-tailed dress-coat. It is also used for unceremonious occasions at hotels and restaurants, as it would be elsewhere (see Chapters [IV] and [XII]).
XII
THEATER, OPERA, AND CONCERT-HALL
Arrangements for Formal and Informal Theater Parties—The Supper—The Bachelor and His Duties as Host and as Guest—Dress and Behavior at the Theater, Opera, and Concert-hall.
AN informal theater party may be an impromptu affair got up at short notice. It may either be a Dutch treat, where every one pays for himself, or one or more persons may act as hosts and invite the others to go at their expense. If a gentleman and his wife ask another lady to accompany them, they should either call for her or invite her to dine with them. At the conclusion of the performance they should take her home, or the husband alone could do so. It is not necessary to have a carriage if the street-cars are near at hand. If two ladies living in the same house are invited, the tickets may be sent to them, asking them to meet their hosts at the theater. Unless they are very young women, it will be proper for them to go together, whereas for a lady alone it would not be quite pleasant to do so. When the concert or play is over, the host will see them to their carriage or to the street-car. If the hour is late, he will offer to escort them home. If they assure him that they are not afraid to go alone, he will not insist upon doing so, unless he believes this necessary for their protection. Two young and pretty women are liable to annoyance from rude passers-by at a late hour in the evening.
If a man wishes to take a young lady to the theater he must invite her mother or other chaperon to be of the party. This is a safe and excellent rule to follow, and few exceptions should be made to it. In the case of cousins or old friends it is sometimes broken, especially if the lady is not in her first youth. But young women should remember that, as the world is very censorious, one who broke this rule often would be the subject of unfavorable comment. A girl may, of course, go to the theater with her brother. The gentleman may invite a married lady to matronize the party, or he may ask the girl to choose her own chaperon. He calls for both his guests; first for the matron, then for the young lady. At the close of the performance he escorts them both to their houses, leaving the younger woman first at her residence, and then the elder one at hers. Where the chaperon has been provided by the girl, the man may, if he prefers, send them the tickets and meet them at the theater or concert-hall, waiting for them in the lobby. He would certainly offer at least to escort them home, unless they were going in a carriage. In this case he would content himself with asking the man at the door to call it, or going to find it himself, should this be necessary, and putting them safely into their own conveyance. He should endeavor to find a sheltered place for them to stand pending the arrival of the vehicle, and keep a sharp lookout himself lest the carriage lose its place in the line and so make the ladies wait for an undue length of time.
For a large and formal theater party, it is usual to invite the guests to dinner, or to supper after the play or opera. In either case they assemble at the house of the hostess, who provides an omnibus, automobile, or other conveyance to take them to and from the playhouse. She must name an hour early enough to enable the party to reach the opera-house or theater in good season. If she asks her friends to dine with her, she should for the same reason avoid a long bill of fare. The guests should be careful to come punctually. Should any of them be detained, they should telephone and ask the hostess not to wait for them. To fail to keep an engagement for dinner is considered one of the gravest social sins. How much worse it is to spoil a theater party in addition by remaining away after promising to come!
The affair is more likely to go off well if the hostess introduces those guests who do not already know one another. Wholesale introductions are now thought awkward and undesirable; hence it is better to make the presentations gradually, one or two at a time. Those who are to sit next each other should certainly be introduced. It is well to plan beforehand the seating of the guests. If the hostess has a party of young people and is quite at a loss as to their preferences, she may like to consult one of them beforehand on this important matter. To each man should be handed two tickets. These may be inclosed in an envelope, with a card bearing the name of the lady who is to sit next him at the theater. She also receives an envelope containing the name of her theater partner. This arrangement is convenient where many people go together. If the party were to sit in a private box it would be unnecessary. There the ladies sit in front, the gentlemen behind. The older women are offered the best seats, but usually prefer to let the younger ones take the places where they can see and be seen. At the close of the performance the theater-carriage conveys all to their homes, leaving the women guests first, the hostess next, the men last of all, although the latter often choose to walk.
If there is to be a supper, it may be either at the house of the hostess or at a restaurant of unblemished reputation. The meal may be simple or elaborate. A course supper is very much like a dinner or luncheon, except that it is less formal and the bill of fare is lighter and daintier. Few people care to eat a heavy meal late in the evening. Raw oysters or Little Neck clams, bouillon in cups, an entrée of some sort, salad with or without game, ices, fruit, bonbons, and black coffee may be served in the order named by those who care for a full menu. For a theater party it is not necessary to offer such an elaborate bill of fare. Oysters, cold chicken with salad, and ices are quite enough for the hostess to provide. A chafing-dish supper produces much fun and jollity among young people, or among those who know one another well. It is not to be recommended for all sorts and conditions of men, however. An informal meal of this sort would jar upon the taste of those persons who like to have everything done according to conventional methods and in a stereotyped fashion. The chafing-dish sets and stands now furnish every convenience for preparing readily one or more hot dishes. Welsh rarebit, oysters, lobster, eggs, and mushrooms are all excellent cooked in this way, to say nothing of the more complicated dishes which require an expert to handle successfully. Where the supper is given at the house of the hostess, their maids call for the young ladies there, and it is not necessary for her to send them home.
If a bachelor wishes to give a theater party, and to invite young women to be his guests, he must engage some married lady of good social position and of a certain age to act as chaperon. A young married woman is sometimes as full of fun and high spirits as a girl. No one objects to her natural gaiety if she keeps it within due bounds. But it is not considered quite the thing for a woman of this sort to matronize young girls. A chaperon should have the dignity which years and experience bestow, though she need not be dull and stupid. The guests all meet at the residence of this lady, the bachelor host arriving a little earlier than the rest in order to receive his friends, to introduce them to the chaperon, and to make such other introductions as the occasion demands. People of moderate means go to the theater in the street-cars if the evening is pleasant. The more elegant method is to provide a theater-carriage; but not every bachelor can afford so much expense as this would involve. He should, however, pay his guests’ fare, and for this purpose it is well to buy car tickets beforehand. Otherwise another man of the party may reach the ticket-booth first and purchase them before the host has an opportunity to do so.
At the theater or concert-hall the ladies are permitted to pass through the wicket first, the host standing on one side and showing the tickets. He precedes the rest of the party going down the aisle to the seats, in order to point out to all where they are to sit. It may be arranged to have the chaperon go in first and take the innermost seat, or she may be placed next the host, who sits nearest the aisle.
Our bachelor may take the party to a restaurant for supper, to his club if this possesses a dining-room for ladies, or to his own apartment or studio, should this be large enough and conveniently located. In either of the first two cases the table should be engaged and the menu made out beforehand. If supper is to be given in his own rooms, he should have one or more competent persons to set the table, do any cooking that may be necessary, and have all in readiness on the arrival of the party. There should also be one or more servants to wait on the table, unless the affair is an extremely informal one. The host leads the way to the dining-room, all following without ceremony. The chaperon sits at his right, or on the opposite side of the table. When supper is over he may escort her, together with the young women, to her house, or the theater-carriage may leave them at their houses, provided the matron of the occasion is of the party and remains with it until all the young girls have been taken to their respective residences. The host gets out first, assists each of his fair guests in turn to alight, opens the door for her with the latch-key or rings the bell, and does not leave her until she has been admitted to the house. Where the theater party is given by a lady, the gentleman sitting nearest the door of the conveyance performs this service, unless there is a footman in attendance.
Evening dress is the proper costume for men at all performances at the opera, theater, and concert-hall that take place in the evening. This is de rigueur for a theater party, and at the grand opera under all circumstances. For English opera and informal excursions to the theater, the dinner-jacket is often worn. Indeed, our countrymen are very independent in these matters and claim the right to dress as they please. In Europe the rules are stricter. A gentleman of my acquaintance once went to the opera in Paris, in the days of the old régime, wearing an ordinary black coat. He was refused admission on the ground that evening dress was necessary. Being a Yankee of an ingenious turn of mind, he went out, procured a paper of pins, fastened up the offending coat-tails into the required shape, and again presented himself at the opera-house. The authorities, arguing doubtless that he had fulfilled the letter of the law, admitted him, so admirable is the logic of the Frenchman!
The proper costume for women at the theater and opera is evening dress. At the grand opera in New York and other large cities, many ladies wear décolleté gowns, together with a great deal of jewelry, although, as we have said elsewhere, this is by no means a universal custom. All who sit either in the boxes or in the orchestra seats appear in handsome toilettes and wear long white or black kid gloves. A long evening wrap made of silk, satin, or other expensive material forms an important part of opera costume. One sees only a sprinkling of low-necked gowns at the theater, American ladies usually preferring to appear there in dresses either high-necked or only slightly cut down. Many wear a pretty, light-colored, dressy waist with a dark skirt, since the latter shows little, unless one is sitting in a private box. For a concert the costume is the same as for the theater. Something will depend on the season of the year, the nature of the occasion, and the locality. For a special performance, with high-priced tickets, the costumes would be more elaborate than for one with an ordinary programme.
Good form demands that we should always be mindful of the rights, comfort, and pleasure of other people when we attend a theatrical or a musical performance. The persons composing the audience have paid for their seats, in the great majority of cases at least, and it is extremely ill-bred to interfere with their pleasure by talking or laughing. The men and women who fancy that it is smart to do so show themselves lacking in true politeness. One should endeavor to be punctual, in order not to disturb one’s neighbors after the curtain has gone up or the music has begun. Some one has to come last, of course, and the earlier arrivals should stand up and allow the seats of their chairs to fold back in order to allow people to pass by them with as little discomfort as possible. A man sitting next the aisle should step into it when a lady is about to pass in. It is courteous but not obligatory for the latter to do the same thing. Those who arrive after the performance has begun should remove their wraps before they go to their seats, in order not to obscure their neighbor’s view of the stage while they are doing so. They must also be careful not to disturb the latter by rising or bustling about toward the end of the play. The going in and out between the acts is rather trying to those who are obliged to rise constantly in order to let others pass by. Hence, unless one has an aisle seat, it is best to go out only once in the course of the evening. Where a large number of the audience do so, as at the opera, the case is different. The walking up and down the foyer and the corridors, the consuming of ices and lemonade, are often a part of the regular programme. One should be careful to return to one’s seat when the warning-bell rings.
It is now thoroughly understood that all ladies should remove their hats at the theater, opera, and concert-hall. Occasionally they are kind enough to do so at a lecture. A man who is with a party of ladies may excuse himself for a short absence, if he sees some one to whom he wishes especially to speak. But if he should do so often, he would be thought neglectful and lacking in courtesy by the members of his party. If he is acting as escort to one lady, he should not leave her in order to speak to any one else, unless another man should come to talk to her, in which case he could excuse himself, but should return before the curtain rises again.
- Transcriber’s Note:
- Missing or obscured punctuation was corrected.
- Typographical errors were silently corrected.
- Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation were made consistent only when a predominant form was found in this book.