The Boarding School; Lessons of a Preceptress to Her Pupils / Consisting of Information, Instruction and Advice, Calculated to Improve the Manners and Form the Character of Young Ladies. To Which Is Added, a Collection of Letters, Written by the Pupils to Their Instructress, Their Friends, and Each Other.

by Hannah Webster Foster

LOVE.

“The highest state of friendship which this life admits, is in the conjugal relation. On this refined affection, love, which is but a more interesting and tender kind of friendship, ought to be founded. The same virtues, the same dispositions and qualities which are necessary in a friend, are still more requisite in a companion for life. And when these enlivening principles are united, they form the basis of durable happiness. But let not the mask of friendship, or of love, deceive you. You are now entering upon a new stage of action where you will probably admire, and be admired. You may attract the notice of many, who will select you as objects of adulation, to discover their taste and gallantry; and perhaps of some whose affections you have really and seriously engaged. The first class your penetration will enable you to detect; and your good sense and virtue will lead you to treat them with the neglect they deserve. It is disreputable for a young lady to receive and encourage the officious attentions of those mere pleasure-hunters, who rove from fair to fair, with no other design than the exercise of their art, addresses, and intrigue. Nothing can render their company pleasing, but a vanity of being caressed, and a false pride in being thought an object of general admiration, with a fondness for flattery which bespeaks a vitiated mind. But when you are addressed by a person of real merit, who is worthy your esteem and may justly demand your respect, let him be treated with honor, frankness and sincerity. It is the part of a prude, to affect a shyness, reserve, and indifference, foreign to the heart. Innocence and virtue will rise superior to such little arts, and indulge no wish which needs disguise.

“Still more unworthy are the insidious and deluding wiles of the coquette. How disgusting must this character appear to persons of sentiment and integrity! how unbecoming the delicacy and dignity of an uncorrupted female!

“As you are young and inexperienced, your affections may possibly be involuntarily engaged, where prudence and duty forbid a connexion. Beware, then how you admit the passion of love. In young minds, it is of all others the most uncontrollable. When fancy takes the reins, it compels its blinded votary to sacrifice reason, discretion and conscience to its impetuous dictates. But a passion of this origin tends not to substantial and durable happiness. To secure this, it must be quite of another kind, enkindled by esteem, founded on merit, strengthened by congenial dispositions and corresponding virtues, and terminating in the most pure and refined affection.

“Never suffer your eyes to be charmed by the mere exterior; nor delude yourselves with the notion of unconquerable love. The eye, in this respect, is often deceptious, and fills the imagination with charms which have no reality. Nip, in the bud, every particular liking, much more all ideas of love, till called forth by unequivocal tokens as well as professions of sincere regard. Even then, harbor them not without a thorough knowledge of the temper, disposition and circumstances of your lover, the advice of your friends; and, above all the approbation of your parents. Maturely weigh every consideration for and against, and deliberately determine with yourselves, what will be most conducive to your welfare and fidelity in life. Let a rational and discreet plan of thinking and acting, regulate your deportment, and render you deserving of the affection you wish to insure. This you will find far more conducive to your interest, than the indulgence of that romantic passion, which a blind and misguided fancy paints in such alluring colors to the thoughtless and inexperienced.

“Recollect the favourite air you so often sing:

“Ye fair, who would be blessed in love,

Take your pride a little lower:

Let the swain that you approve,

Rather like you than adore.

Love that rises into passion,

Soon will end in hate or strife:

But from tender inclination

Flow the lasting joys of life.”

“I by no means undervalue that love which is the noblest principle of the human mind; but wish only to guard you against the influence of an ill-placed and ungovernable passion, which is improperly called by this name.

“A union, formed without a refined and generous affection for its basis, must be devoid of those tender endearments, reciprocal attentions, and engaging sympathies, which are peculiarly necessary to alleviate the cares, dispel the sorrows, and soften the pains of life. The exercise of that prudence and caution which I have recommended, will lead you to a thorough investigation of the character and views of the man by whom you are addressed.

“Without good principles, both of religion and morality, (for the latter cannot exist independent of the former) you can not safely rely, either upon his fidelity or his affection. Good principles are the foundation of a good life.

“If the fountain be pure, the streams which issue from it will be of the same description.

“Next to this, an amiable temper is essentially requisite. A proud, a passionate, a revengeful, a malicious, or a jealous temper, will render your lives uncomfortable, in spite of all the prudence and fortitude you can exert.

“Beware, then, lest, before marriage, love blind your eyes to those defects, to a sight of which, grief and disappointment may awaken you afterwards. You are to consider marriage as a connexion for life; as the nearest and dearest of all human relations; as involving in it the happiness or misery of all your days; and as engaging you in a variety of cares and duties, hitherto unknown. Act, therefore, with deliberation, and resolve with caution; but, when once you come to a choice, behave with undeviating rectitude and sincerity.

“Avarice is not commonly a ruling passion in young persons of our sex. Yet some there are, sordid enough to consider wealth as the chief good, and to sacrifice every other object to a splendid appearance. It often happens, that these are miserably disappointed in their expectations of happiness. They find, by dear bought experience, that external pomp is but a wretched substitute for internal satisfaction.

“But I would not have outward circumstances entirely overlooked. A proper regard should always be had to a comfortable subsistence in life. Nor can you be justified in suffering a blind passion, under whatever pretext, to involve you in those embarrassing distresses of want, which will elude the remedies of love itself, and prove fatal to the peace and happiness at which you aim.

“In this momentous affair, let the advice and opinion of judicious friends have their just weight in your minds. Discover, with candor and frankness, the progress of your amour, so far as is necessary to enable them to judge aright in the cause; but never relate the love tales of your suitor, merely for your own, or any other person’s amusement. The tender themes inspired by love, may be pleasing to you; but to an uninterested person, must be insipid and disgusting in the extreme.

“Never boast of the number, nor of the professions of your admirers. That betrays an unsufferable vanity, and will render you perfectly ridiculous in the estimation of observers. Besides, it is a most ungenerous treatment of those who may have entertained, and expressed a regard for you. Whatever they have said upon this subject, was doubtless in confidence, and you ought to keep it sacred, as a secret you have no right to divulge.

“If you disapprove the person, and reject his suit, that will be sufficiently mortifying, without adding the insult of exposing his overtures.

“Be very careful to distinguish real lovers from mere gallants. Think not every man enamoured with you, who is polite and attentive. You have no right to suppose any man in love with you, till he declares it in plain, unequivocal and decent terms.

“Never suffer, with impunity, your ear to be wounded by indelicate expressions, double entendres, and insinuating attempts to seduce you from the path of rectitude. True love will not seek to degrade its object, much less to undermine that virtue which ought to be its basis and support. Let no protestations induce you to believe that person your friend, who would destroy your dearest interests, and rob you of innocence and peace. Give no heed to the language of seduction; but repel the insidious arts of the libertine, with the dignity and decision of insulted virtue. This practice will raise you superior to the wiles of deceivers, and render you invulnerable by the specious flattery of the unprincipled and debauched.

“Think not the libertine worthy of your company and conversation even as an acquaintance.

“That reformed rakes make the best husbands,” is a common, and I am sorry to say, a too generally received maxim. Yet I cannot conceive, that any lady who values, or properly considers her own happiness, will venture on the dangerous experiment. The term reformed can, in my opinion, have very little weight; since those, whose principles are vitiated, and whose minds are debased by a course of debauchery and excess, seldom change their pursuits, till necessity, or interest requires it; and, however circumstances may alter or restrain their conduct, very little dependence can be placed on men whose disposition is still the same, but only prevented from indulgence by prudential motives. As a rake is most conversant with the dissolute and abandoned of both sexes, he doubtless forms his opinion of others by the standard to which he has been accustomed, and therefore supposes all women of the same description. Having been hackneyed in the arts of the baser sort, he cannot form an idea, that any are in reality superior to them. This renders him habitually jealous, peevish and tyrannical. Even if his vicious inclinations be changed, his having passed his best days in vice and folly, renders him a very unsuitable companion for a person of delicacy and refinement.

“But whatever inducements some ladies may have to risk themselves with those who have the reputation of being reformed, it is truly surprising that any should be so inconsiderate as to unite with such as are still professed libertines. What hopes of happiness can be formed with men of this character?

“Vice and virtue can never assimilate; and hearts divided by them can never coalesce. The former is the parent of discord, disease and death; the latter, of harmony, health and peace. A house divided against itself cannot stand; much less can domestic felicity subsist between such contrasted dispositions.

“But however negligent or mistaken many women of real merit may be, relative to their own interest, I cannot but wish they would pay some regard to the honor and dignity of their sex. Custom only has rendered vice more odious in a woman than in a man. And shall we give our sanction to a custom, so unjust and destructive in its operation; a custom which invites and encourages the enemies of society to seek our ruin? Were those who glory in the seduction of innocence, to meet with the contempt they deserve, and to be pointedly neglected by every female of virtue, they would be ashamed of their evil practices, and impelled to relinquish their injurious designs.

“But while they are received and caressed in the best companies, they find restraint altogether needless; and their being men of spirit and gallantry (as they style themselves) is rather a recommendation than a reproach!

“I cannot help blushing with indignation, when I see a lady of sense and character gallanted and entertained by a man who ought to be banished from society, for having ruined the peace of families, and blasted the reputation of many, who but for him, might have been useful and happy in the world; but who by his insidious arts, are plunged into remediless insignificance, disgrace and misery.”

Saturday, P. M.