THE DEBTOR AND THE DUN.
Enter Remnant, R.[4]
Remnant. Well, I am resolved I’ll collect my bill of Col. Blarney this time. He shan’t put me off again. This is the twentieth time, as I’m a sinner, that I have dunned him! His smooth words shan’t humbug me now. No, no! Richard Remnant is not such a goose as to be paid in fine words for fine clothes. (Takes out a long bill and unrolls it.) A pretty collection of items, that! Why, the interest alone would make a good round sum. But hark! He is coming. (Hastily rolls up the bill and returns it to his pocket.)
Enter Col. Blarney, R.
Blarney. Ah! my dear Remnant, a thousand welcomes! How delighted I am to see you! And what stupidity on the part of my people not to make you enter at once! True, I had given orders that they should admit nobody; but those orders did not extend to you, my dear sir, for to you I am always at home.
Rem. Much obliged, sir. (Fumbling in his pocket for his bill.)
Blar. (calling to his servants.) What, ho! John! Martha! confound you! I will teach you to keep my friend Remnant kicking his heels in the entry! I will teach you to distinguish among my visitors!
Rem. Indeed, sir, it is no sort of consequence.
Blar. But it is consequence! To tell you—you, one of my best friends—that I was not in!
Rem. I am your humble servant, sir. (Drawing forth bill.) I just dropped in to hand you this little—
Blar. Quick, there, quick! A chair for my friend Remnant!
Rem. I am very well as I am, sir.
Blar. Not at all! I would have you seated.
Rem. It is not necessary. (Servant hands a common chair.)
Blar. Rascal!—not that! An arm-chair!
Rem. You are taking too much trouble. (An arm-chair is placed for him.)
Blar. No, no; you have been walking some distance, and require rest. Now be seated.
Rem. There is no need of it—I have but a single word to say. I have brought—
Blar. Be seated, I say. I will not listen to you till you are seated.
Rem. Well, sir, I will do as you wish. (Sits.) I was about to say—
Blar. Upon my word, friend Remnant, you are looking remarkably well.
Rem. Yes, sir, thank heaven, I am pretty well. I have come with this—
Blar. You have an admirable stock of health—lips fresh, skin ruddy, eyes clear and bright—really—
Rem. If you would be good enough to—
Blar. And how is Madam Remnant?
Rem. Quite well, sir, I am happy to say.
Blar. A charming woman, Mr. Remnant! A very superior woman.
Rem. She will be much obliged, sir. As I was saying—
Blar. And your daughter, Claudine, how is she?
Rem. As well as can be.
Blar. The beautiful little thing that she is! I am quite in love with her.
Rem. You do us too much honor, sir. I—you—
Blar. And little Harry—does he make as much noise as ever, beating that drum of his?
Rem. Ah, yes! He goes on the same as ever. But, as I was saying—
Blar. And your little dog, Brisk,—does he bark as loud as ever, and snap at the legs of your visitors?
Rem. More than ever, sir, and we don’t know how to cure him. He, he! But I dropped in to—
Blar. Do not be surprised if I want particular news of all your family, for I take the deepest interest in all of you.
Rem. We are much obliged to your honor, much obliged. I—
Blar. (Giving his hand.) Your hand upon it, Mr. Remnant. Don’t rise. Now, tell me, do you stand well with the people of quality?—for I can make interest for you among them.
Rem. Sir, I am your humble servant.
Blar. And I am yours, with all my heart. (Shaking hands again.)
Rem. You do me too much honor.
Blar. There is nothing I would not do for you.
Rem. Sir, you are too kind to me.
Blar. At least I am disinterested; be sure of that, Mr. Remnant.
Rem. Certainly I have not merited these favors, sir. But, sir,—
Blar. Now I think of it, will you stay and sup with me?—without ceremony, of course.
Rem. No, sir, I must return to my shop; I should have been there before this. I—
Blar. What ho, there! A light for Mr. Remnant! and tell the coachman to bring the coach and drive him home.
Rem. Indeed, sir, it is not necessary. I can walk well enough. But here— (Offering bill.)
Blar. O! I shall not listen to it. Walk? Such a night as this! I am your friend, Remnant, and, what is more, your debtor—your debtor, I say—all the world may know it.
Rem. Ah! sir if you could but find it convenient—
Blar. Hark! There is the coach. One more embrace, my dear Remnant! (Shakes hands again.) Take care of the steps. Command me always; and be sure there is nothing in the world I would not do for you. There! Good-by.
(Exit Remnant, conducted by Col. B.)
Altered from Molière.
[4] The initials R. and L. stand for the Right and Left of the stage, facing the audience.