LETTER XIV.
Valley of Achor, February 20th, 1818.
Mr. & Mrs. P—N.
MY EVER DEAR FRIENDS IN THE BEST OF BONDS,
Grace and peace be your’s.—I trust I need not apologize for writing to you from such a place, and under such circumstances. You will no doubt join me in saying, I am just where the Lord had long devised I should be, and where, I bless his dear name, he graciously condescends to pay me many a visit, sometimes with a rod, and sometimes with a smile: and he has promised both to us—he laid up the rod as well as the manna in the ark, and it is only the sanctified rod, afflictions in Christ, that can do us any lasting good. But I trust that in my personal experience, the rod has budded in my convictions of what I have done amiss in many things, for says an inspired apostle, “In many things we all offend.” I hope the rod has also blossomed in my humility, and that the fruit will be peace and righteousness; and as much preciseness in my whole conduct, as if my salvation depended on it. I trust the long contention the Lord has had with me, for these ten years past, is consummated. I cannot bless God for distress of mind, but I can bless him for that grace that melts the heart, and produces that secret sacred mourning, wonder, gratitude, and peace. None but an all-seeing Jehovah can tell what I have seen here; my grief has been great, my sighs have been many, my heart has been broken, sin has appeared detestable, error damnable, man truly depraved, God patient, long suffering and good. I have been deeply distrest on account of my own sins, and the sins of others. O that this work had been as deep on my soul some years ago, as it has been only some few months past, but, alas, I lived too far off from God—company—visits—bustle—noise—stir—clamour—and levity of manners, light and trifling professors, and no power given me sufficient to keep me on my guard. These stole my time, attention, and talents; the spirit’s operations were not watched, the Saviour was slighted, and his dear company shunned; established believers and deep taught favorites of the most high were left, and I was in doubts what to do between conscience and feelings, guided too much by the latter, and the former got hardened. These and a thousand things more I deeply regret; these try my spirit now, and though I have no doubt they are pardoned, for I have tasted, felt, and handled that blessing also in this place, yet I cannot, will not forgive myself, while I live in the body. What the Lord is doing with me, has puzzled many, but he has not left me wholly in the dark about it. As the great Head of the Church, he is washing the feet of his disciples; digging and purging his garden, pruning his trees, awaking the north wind, beating his spices, snuffing his candles, trimming his lamps, trying his gold, refining his silver, purging the dross, removing the rubbish, descending in a cloud, and stripping me of self-admiration, which is rank idolatry—and all this is in covenant love. This is using the fan, and the sieve, and I hope purging that away that can be well spared; and I can assure my dear friends I am still praying over, and watching the accomplishment of that sweet text in Zechariah, “I will bring the third part through the fire; I will try them as gold is tried, and refine them as silver is refined: they shall call on my name. I will say it is my people, and they shall say, the Lord is my God, Selah.”
The Lord tries our faith, by stirring up every thing in opposition to us, yet enabling us to believe thro’ all. He tries our love, by leading us to see the awful errors that abound in the world, in opposition to the most blessed Redeemer; and by sometimes hiding his face. He tries our hope, by permitting Satan to assault us on every hand. He tries our patience, by delays to answer our prayers, by the length of our afflictions, and by their aboundings. Thus he tries us, and then he most graciously gives us an opportunity of trying him. We try his love, and find it the same every hour. We try his power, and find it supports and cheers us. We try his word, and find it precious. We try his obedience, death, and intercession, and find it brings a lasting peace to the soul. We try his truth and faithfulness, and find that firm all the way to heaven! We try his long suffering, by our daily provocations; and we try his mercy, and find it kind. His grace, and find it sovereign, rich, and free. Thus the Lord deals with us, and we with him.
These things I have found, felt, and known, and hope, through abounding goodness, yet to proclaim to others, perhaps not more faithfully than I have, but I hope more simply and clearly. I want the divine spirit to lead me deeply into all truths, for the knowledge and purity of God’s people’s minds and consciences, and to follow after righteousness in every sense—peace and joy as the happy consequence. I have no doubt but this trial is for my present salvation, in many senses, but I am afraid of every thing—Satan has desired to have me, but you can guess the cause why not, “I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not.”
Ever your’s, in Christ,
Ruhamah.