DUTCHY AS CHAMBERMAID.—PAGE 321.
He shook his head slowly, and indicated to me that he wouldn't do it. I reminded him that he was in my employ, and must obey me.
Then he took off his coat and vest, and was about to divest himself of his other garments, when I instructed him to leave them on, and told him how nice the dress would be to keep his comparatively new pants clean.
After donning the dress, which fitted him well and was quite becoming to him, I borrowed the Doctor's razor, and he shaved himself clean, and parted his fair, bushy hair in the middle; and there, before me, to all appearances was a typical German girl. He entered upon his duties at once. The Doctor said he guessed we would have no more serious trouble with chambermaid elopements. I told him I wasn't so certain about that, and invited him up-stairs to see Dutchy.
When we came to the room where I had left him, I said: "Go right in, Doctor; you will find Dutchy there. I'll be back in a minute."
The Doctor bolted in, and immediately dodged back, and cried out:
"Johnston, there is a woman in there!"
"Oh, thunder! you have lost your head, since the landlady left."
This was enough; and he opened up on me with several volleys of oaths, and offered to bet me the price of a new hat that there was a woman in that room making up beds. I took the bet and entered the room, the Doctor following, and immediately crying out:
"There, smarty, there! Guess you will learn to believe what I tell you, once in a while."
"But I have won, Doctor."
"Johnston, do you claim now you bet there was a woman in here?"
"No, sir; but I'll bet the price of another hat that I can prove to you that I have won."
"All right, sir; I'll take you."
We shook hands on it, and I said:
"Dutchy, come around here and show the Doctor your pants."
He did so; and the Doctor didn't know whether to believe his own eyes or not. I asked when he would buy me the two hats. He said: "Never! I'll be —— if I will be taken in on any confidence game."
I agreed to let it go, if he would keep still about Dutchy's dress, and furnish a razor for him to shave with every morning. He promised, and we had a hearty laugh over the matter.
The next day, as I was passing through the hall-way, Dutchy came to the door of the room where he was working, and said:
"Mr. Johnston, I find a pair of pants here youst exactly like mine."
I stepped in, and sure enough, there hung a pair in the Irish shoemaker's room, the exact counterpart of Dutchy's.
I explained to Dutchy that we would have a little fun with the Irishman, and told him to wait for instructions from me before he attempted to play his part.
I then took the pants down to the office, and let the Doctor into the secret.
The next Saturday the Irishman came rushing down stairs in great excitement, and reported the loss of his pants. I said:
"Well, Irish, if you don't find them, I'll go with you to pick out another pair."
"But, be the Howly Moses! will yez pay for thim?"
I told him I'd see that he paid for them. He threatened to leave, but the Doctor helped to quiet him down.
I then found Dutchy and told him to try and call at the Irishman's room the next day when he was in, and manage in some way to raise his dress, so that the Irishman would get a glimpse of his pants. He assured me he would fix that all right.
On Sunday morning, about ten o'clock, Irish came rushing down stairs on the jump, rushed up to me, and said:
"Be the Howly St. Crispin and Moses in the bulrushes! May the divil fly away wid me if I haven't found moy pants!"
"Good! Good! Where were they?"
"Howly Moses! come wid me to wan side. I'll tell yez on the quiet."
"Never mind about the quiet, Irish. Sing out; tell everybody."
"Oh, be jabers! ye'd laste expect to find thim where I seed thim."
"Well, tell us."
"Yes, tell us," said the Doctor.
"Well," he hesitatingly said, "be the howly shmoke, the ould chambermaid has thim on, as sure as I'm a loive Irishman!"
"Oh, nonsense!" I replied. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, to come down here in the presence of these men and try to injure the character of that poor chambermaid."
"By the great horned spoon! but she has the pants on, and Oi'll have thim, charackther or no charackther, Misther Landlord!"
"Well, now, see here, Irish, I'll bet the cigars for the crowd, that she hasn't got your pants on."
"All right, sir, all right, sir; I'll take that bet."
While we were shaking hands on the bet, the Doctor took a bundle from under the counter containing the pants and ran up to the Irishman's room, and hung them up.
We then went up-stairs, accompanied by several bystanders, and after reaching the Irishman's room, I called to the chambermaid to come in.
Irish stood waiting for me to introduce the subject to the maid, and I waited for him. I then turned to him and said:
"Well, Irish, prove your case."
"Well, be jabers! d'ye s'pose I am going to insult this lady? Not by a dang sight, pants or no pants."
I turned to Dutchy and said:
"Have you got Irish's pants on?"
"Nix; I youst got my own pants."
"Well, come around here, Dutchy, and show Irish your pants."
Obeying my order, the dress was raised, exposing the pants to view.
Irish straightened himself up, and in a very triumphant manner, said:
"Well, there, Misther Landlord, I giss yez are quite well satisfied. I'll take the cigars, and the pay for thim pants, if yez plaise."
I turned round and said:
"Whose pants are these hanging here, Irish? Did you have two pair alike?"
He looked at them and said:
"Be gobs! she took thim off while me back was turned."
I then offered to bet him the cigars that she didn't.
He said he'd bet no more, but he knew there was some chicanery, or dom hy-pocritical prognostication, somewhere.
I then asked the chambermaid to raise the dress again, which was done, and Irish left the room disgusted, and muttering a few oaths to himself. Afterwards he paid the cigars for the crowd.
He then asked if I wud explain what the divil right any chambermaid had to wear pants, anyhow.
I answered that it was none of my business, and I hoped I was too much of a gentleman to meddle with other people's private affairs.
This last assertion offended him very much, and he quickly gave me to understand that he was as much of a gintleman as I was and niver failed to moind his own business.
I told him that might be, but it was very strange to me how he should make such singular discoveries.
He then made a full explanation, and I overlooked it all.
CHAPTER XXI.
THE DOCTOR SWINDLED—HOW WE GOT EVEN—DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND—THE DOCTOR PEDDLING STOVE-PIPE BRACKETS—HIS FIRST CUSTOMER—HIS MISHAP AND DEMORALIZED CONDITION—THE DOCTOR AND MYSELF INVITED TO A COUNTRY DANCE—HE THE CENTER OF ATTRACTION—THE DOCTOR IN LOVE WITH A CROSS-EYED GIRL—ENGAGED TO TAKE HER HOME—HIS PLAN FRUSTRATED—HE GETS EVEN WITH ME—WE CONCLUDE TO DIET HIM—THE LANDLADY RETURNS—DOES NOT KNOW THE HOUSE.
One day while I was up-town, marketing, the Doctor traded his old English gold watch and chain to a professional horse-trader, for another watch with all modern improvements. Immediately on my return he called me up-stairs, and said:
"Johnston, I have made enough on a single trade to pay me a good month's salary." And handing me the watch, said: "Look and see what an elegant thing it is. It cost the infernal fool three hundred and fifty dollars, and I got it even-up for my old-fashioned gold watch and chain."
I asked him what he valued his old watch and chain at. He said the chain would bring sixty dollars for old gold, and he didn't know what value to put on the watch. After examining it, I said:
"Well, Doctor, you made a big hit."
"Well, that's what I think," he shouted, as he hopped about in his usual frisky manner.
I again remarked:
"Yes sir, you did well. I once traded a horse and watch for a twin brother to this very watch, and mighty soon discovered that the auction price on them was three dollars and fifty cents each!"
He then flew into a rage, and cussed me and my judgment. I prevailed on him to accompany me to a jeweler, who placed the retail price at five dollars, and said it was a brass watch.
The Doctor declared he would have the fellow arrested; but I urged that the best way was to keep still, and not even let him know that he was sick of his bargain. He agreed to this, provided I would help him to get even with him in some way.
I promised I would.
The horse-trader didn't come near the hotel for a few days, and not until the Doctor had met him and treated him very nicely, thus entirely disarming him of suspicion.
One day a circus came to town, and with it a street-salesman carrying a stock of the very cheapest jewelry manufactured. He was unable to procure a license, and made no sales there. I bought from him twenty-five cents' worth of his goods. The Doctor took about half of my purchase, and wrapping them in tissue paper, put them carefully in his valise; and we awaited the arrival of our friend Sam, the horse-trader.
One evening we saw him hitching his horse outside, and made ready for him by beginning a very heated discussion concerning a deal we had been having in jewelry. As he entered we were in the hottest of it. The Doctor abused me, and I accused him of not living up to his agreement, and peremptorily demanded one hundred and sixty dollars in cash, or the return of the jewelry.
The Doctor said he couldn't pay the money under ten days, and refused to return the jewelry. Then I declared there would be a fight, unless he did one thing or the other on the spot. The Doctor then said he wouldn't disgrace himself by fighting, if he had to turn all the jewelry over to me, and got his valise at once and produced it, and my original bill to him. Sam stepped forward to examine it as I was taking a careful inventory to make sure it was all there.
I then casually remarked that I was going to see a certain man the next day, and trade it for a horse and buggy. Sam said:
"I'll trade you a nice horse and buggy for it."
"Where is your rig?" I asked.
"Outside here."
I stepped out, and after looking the horse and wagon over, said:
"I think that whole rig is worth one hundred and fifty dollars, and I'll trade for ten dollars boot."
Sam said he would look the jewelry over again, which he did. He then offered to trade even.
I refused to do that, but told him I would trade, if he would let me keep two of the rings. He offered to let me keep one ring. The trade hung for a few moments, and at last, seeing his determination, we consummated the trade and I drove the outfit to the barn.
The Doctor didn't sleep a wink that night, and the next morning wanted me to sell out at once, and divide the money.
But, seeing a chance to tantalize him, I said:
"Doctor, who do you want me to divide with?"
"With me," he shouted. "Whom do you suppose?"
"Well, thunderation! Doctor; it was my property we traded off. Why should I give you half the profits?"
"Great Heavens!" he screamed. "Think of it! One shilling's worth of property!"
Then he sizzled around for awhile, and said I was worse than Sam, the horse-shark; because Sam didn't practice beating his friends, and I did, according to that deal.
I offered the harness to the Doctor as his share of the deal. He refused, and abused me roundly, till I took him in as full partner on the whole thing.
The next day Sam came in the hotel, and handing me one of the rings that had turned perfectly black, asked me if that was one I traded him. I told him it looked like it in shape, but not in color. He asked if I had any more like it, but assured me that he was no squealer, and would never "kick" if I had traded him brass jewelry for his farm, only he simply wanted to know how badly he had been "done up." I showed him what I had, and gave them to him. He said he would take better care of that lot than he did the first, and would try and get even in some way.
A day or two later he came in, and asked what I had to trade. I told him I had a note of one hundred and forty-two dollars, past due, against a young man in Battle Creek, Michigan, which I had traded patent rights for, and I would trade it for a horse. He looked it over, and said he would think of it. A few days later he came in again and asked how I would trade the note for his horse standing outside. After looking the animal over, I offered to trade for twenty-five dollars. He said he would trade even, and a few minutes later we made the deal, and I took the animal to the stable.
The Doctor was more pleased over this trade than I was, and so much so that I began to think he expected a half interest in it, and asked him if he did.
He said he did not; but it pleased him to see me get the best of Sam, the horse-shark.
About ten days later, as the Doctor and I were going into the post office together, we met Sam just as he had opened a letter from Battle Creek, containing a draft for the full amount of the note with interest, all amounting to something near one hundred and fifty dollars. Sam said he had written to a banker there before he traded for the note, and ascertained it was all right.
The Doctor turned ghastly pale, and I came near fainting. To think that I had traded such a note for an old plug of a horse was sickening, especially when considering our circumstances.
One day a gentleman stopped at the hotel selling wire stove-pipe brackets. They were so constructed as to fasten around the pipe of the cook-stove, and make a very convenient shelf to set the cooking utensils on.
The Doctor took a particular liking to the man selling them, and lost no opportunity to speak a good word for the invention. One day he ventured the assertion that he could sell six dozen a day to the housekeepers of that town. I suggested that he start out at once.
He was insulted, and said he was in other business. I said a poor excuse was better than none and offered to wager the price of a new hat that he couldn't sell one in a week. He then offered to bet the cigars for the crowd that he could sell one to his washerwoman.
"Yes," I replied, "I suppose she would be glad to take cats and dogs for what you owe her."
That settled it, and he raked me right and left. He said I needn't judge him from my shirtless experience at Fort Wayne (which I had related to him), and that he always paid his wash bill. He then reminded me that only for him and his money a few weeks before, I would have gone without laundered shirts many a day.
"Yes," said I, "and only for me where would you be eating now?"
"Great ——!" he ejaculated. "You cussed, impudent Arab! Who got you this job?"
"You did," I replied; "but only for your beautiful figure and winning ways catching the eye of the land——"
"Shut up! shut up!" he yelled. "Don't you open your infernal head again."
Then I apologized, and said:
"Well, Doctor, you have satisfied me that you don't owe your washerwoman, so I'll take the bet you offered to make. And," I added, "I'll bet another cigar she won't let you in the house unless you have a bundle of washing along, and show her that you have a legitimate right to call on her."
This exasperated him again, and made him more determined than ever to show us what he could do.
He selected a bracket, and started for the washerwoman, who lived directly back of the hotel, on another street. It fifteen minutes to twelve o'clock when he started.
About noon one of the kitchen girls came running to the office, and called me to come quick to the back door. I hastened, and to my astonishment found the Doctor, under the greatest excitement. No spectacles on, his hat gone, a large piece torn from his fine swallow-tailed coat, and to all appearances he had just emerged from the sewer.
"Great Heavens! Doctor; what is up?" I asked.
"Don't say a word! don't say a word!" he cried. "Get me to my room, quick, before any one sees me."
"Where is your hat?" I asked.
"Over to the washerwoman's," he gasped.
"And your cane—what has become——"
"Great Heavens! sure enough," he interrupted. "I forgot that. It's on her table. And my spectacles—the Lord knows where they are! But get me out of this, quick; and hurry over there and fix it."
"Fix what?" I asked. "What did she say, Doctor?"
"Good! all I heard her say was: 'What will my poor Mike do for his dinner?' and then she—never mind what she said, but hurry up."
I then said to him:
"Doctor, you go right through the dining room and on up-stairs to your room, and I'll go over and see if I can find what there is left of you."
He asked if there were no back stairs. I said yes, but they were very dark. I then led him to the back stair-way, and offered to accompany him to his room. But he said I should hurry over there and fix things. So, after explaining to him the back-stair route to his room, I was about to close the door on him, when he placed his hand on his head and said:
"My! just feel of this bunch. And I guess my hat is ruined, Hurry over and see about it, quick."
I closed the stair-way door and started across the back yard. When not more than six or eight rods away, I heard a noise at the house that startled me. One of the girls came running out, and screamed for me to come back, quick.
By the time I arrived there they had succeeded in hauling the Doctor out from the entrance to the stair-way, and he was completely deluged with slops.
He began swearing and cursing the chambermaid, and cursed me for hiring a Dutchman to do the work.
He then explained that after getting about two-thirds up the stairs, he had concluded to give it up and go the front way; and while descending he had come on the opposite side from that which he had ascended, and had stepped on a bucket filled with slops; and as a result he had landed at the very bottom of the stairs, with the contents all over him.
"Well, Doctor," said I, leading him to his room, "you are the most horrible-looking sight I ever beheld. It will be terrible, if the landlady comes home on the noon train."
"Good ——!" he faltered, "do you expect her home on this train? Here, let me go alone. You hurry over there. —— that lazy Dutchman! Why didn't he empty the slops?"
I then made a fresh start for the Doctor's washerwoman. On the way I found his spectacles in a ditch, which had no water in, but plenty of mud. He had gotten out of the regular path, and in his excitement had waded into the ditch.
Upon reaching the house, I found the old lady under a high pressure of exasperation and excitement. When I asked if Doctor —— had been there,
"Howly Moses!" she shrieked, "I shud think he had been here, wid his dommed old stove-pipe demolisher. Be jabbers! he got a good whack over the head wid me mop-stick to pay for his flabbergasted stubbornness. And I think he'll have to sell more nor wan of thim pesky wire flumadoodles before he can replace the ould plug hat, which yez'll foind layin' theer in the wud-box."
I asked for an explanation.
She showed me how the Doctor had come in without any authority, and insisted on putting "wan of thim dom things on her stove-poipe." After fastening it on and explaining its purpose, he asked her to set her kettle of boiled dinner on, and see how stout and strong it was. This she refused to do, not believing it to be safe.
But the Doctor, "wid his dom jackass stubbornness," as she termed it, had forcibly taken the kettle from her hands and lifted it to the bracket.
No sooner was it done than the whole thing, bracket, stove-pipe, and kettle of dinner went crashing to the floor; and without further ceremony she grabbed the nearest weapon to her, which happened to be the mop-stick, and assailed the intruder. She first struck his hat, knocking it off and bruising it badly, and next gave him a good whack over the head.
I asked how he tore his coat. She said, as he passed out on the jump his coat caught on a nail, but it didn't lessen his speed one bit.
I returned to the hotel with the Doctor's hat, cane, spectacles, and the wire bracket, which the irate woman declared she wouldn't give house-room to.
The Doctor was in quite a critical condition. His head was badly swollen, several bruises were on his body from the fall down stairs, and a high fever had set in, compelling him to take to his bed.
His first question, when I entered his room, was: "What did she say?" and the second was: "Did the landlady come on the train?"
I answered both, and gave him all the aid and consolation in my power. Among other things, I promised if he ever recovered we would have his favorite pie and coffee every meal for two weeks. This pleased him greatly, for his appetite for apple pie and Java coffee was seldom if ever satisfied.
He recovered in a few days, and said he was glad the landlady didn't return in the midst of that fracas.
A few days later he came rushing into the hotel from up town, and said:
"I just met an old friend and former patron, who used to live in the southern part of the State. He now lives five miles from here, and they are going to have a dance at his house next Friday night. He wants me to come out, and bring you with me, as I told him all about you, and whose daughter you married. He has always known John Higgins, your father-in-law. I told him we would be there, so you must make calculations to go."
"All right, Doctor; we'll drive our horse out."
"That's what we'll do, that's what we'll do," he laughingly remarked.
If there was any one thing the Doctor prided himself in more than another, it was his gracefulness in "tripping the light fantastic toe."
He talked of nothing else from that time till Friday, and made more preparations for the occasion than the average person would for his own wedding.
When the hostler drove our rig to the front door, the Doctor with his highly polished boots, his heavy-checked skin-tight pants (then the height of fashion), his swallow-tailed coat—renovated and mended for the occasion, his low-cut vest, and his immaculate shirt-front with a large flaming red neck-tie, his face cleanly shaven, his ivory-white moustache waxed and twisted, his gold-headed cane and gold spectacles, and lastly, his newly ironed hat—standing there, as described, he certainly made a very striking appearance.
On our way out he became very impatient to make faster time, and declared that we got cheated when we traded the jewelry for such an infernal horse, and wanted to sell his half to me. I told him I would buy him out if he would take his pay in board. He became excited at once, and said he would be an idiot to do that, as it was just the same as understood that I was to board him, if I got the hotel to run.
"But suppose I should remain here for five years," said I, "what then?"
"What then?" he quickly ejaculated, "why then I suppose you'd find me here to the end of that time. I started out with you, and I intend to stay with you."
We were royally received at the farmer's residence, and the Doctor at once became the center of attraction for those already assembled, and continued so during the evening. He told his latest stories, and I told one occasionally, bringing in "Pocahontas," "Stove-pipe bracket," "Irish patient," "Brass watches," etc., etc., any one of which had the tendency to keep the Doctor "riled up," and in constant fear lest I should dwell on facts or go into particulars.
At last he called me out on the porch, and said:
"Now sir —— you, I am among aristocratic friends, who have always honored and respected me; and you have come about as near telling some of your cussed miserable stories about me as I want you to to-night. So now be guarded, sir. Remember I am among my friends, and not yours; so I warn you to be careful."
I assured him that I meant no reflection on him, and would be guarded.
Directly the musicians came, and all was ready to begin. The Doctor was one of the first to lead out, with the hostess for a partner.
Everything went on smoothly. Hard cider flowed freely, and the Doctor indulged often. The gentlemen all kept their hats on, including the Doctor and myself, as etiquette didn't seem to require their removal.
More cider, plenty of music and constant dancing, warmed up everybody; and very soon the gentlemen removed their coats, the Doctor and myself following suit. The more we danced, the more we wanted to dance; and the Doctor never missed a single set.
We were both introduced to the belles of the neighborhood. The Doctor was a general favorite with them, which fact caused considerable jealousy among not a few of the young gentlemen present.
Taking in the situation, I took special pains to say to all the boys that the Doctor was a nice old fellow, and meant no harm.
Finally, about ten o'clock, the Simon-pure aristocracy appeared on the scene. This was a young lady who had a very handsome face and a beautiful figure. But she was very cross-eyed. In spite of this defect she was very attractive, and being a graceful dancer, had no lack of offers to dance. I received an introduction to her, and soon after, the Doctor was introduced as per his request.
