The McNaughtens

by Jean-François Regnard

ACT III.

The street again. Sometime later. Enter Jenny and Urania.

Jenny I tell you truly, Madame, I don't believe you can find another man with such an evil heart. When I pressed him to return your portrait, he wanted to beat me. And, I believe he would have, if his valet, a man of softer disposition, hadn't diverted his rage. Oh, M'am, arm yourself with courage—follow your point, and be valiant. Pursue your rights. You have him in your power. You have his promise in writing. He'll have to make good on it.

Urania
If I don't make him, let Heaven punish me.

Jenny Here there is no relying on oaths, on probity. Despite law and honor, women these days are often trapped. They rely on words, and are deceived. So, to protect ourselves, we must make them put their fair words in writing. It's only fair. But, what use will it be to get it in writing, if we don't enforce the contract? I see very plainly, that in this ungrateful century, one cannot hope to rely on anything that's not in writing. But, we prefer to be the sport and dupes of men.

Urania Say no more, Jenny. My incensed heart is resolved. If I can, I will avenge our whole sex on this man.

Jenny What, then? To get the world's attention, does it take more than to wear a pretty wig? An empty head, a little whipper snapper, who admires only himself, and chatters pleasantly, because he has good manners, can plead with us about his love with complete impunity. He surprises us and makes his ardent declaration—but recoils when it comes time to make good on it. It's a hideous thing that cries to heaven for vengeance. Abuse like this is grounds for revoking the license we give men. Even if you don't want to marry him to avenge yourself, you must do it to enrage him, and to satisfy the rest of us!

Urania (sighing) But, if he no longer loves me, what good is it to force him into such a sad marriage?

Jenny Who marries only for love nowadays? That was fine, when you were an adolescent. It's no crime to marry without love, and, even without respect. What's necessary is to marry! You are at an age when your attractions will wither and disappear. The advice I'm giving you, in my zeal, is good. I intend to apply it to myself. To be an old maid is a frightful evil, far worse than all the unhappiness that marriage can cause.

(Enter Hastings and Flavella)

Hastings
Chance has led you here and saved me the trouble of finding you.

Urania Chance has favored us equally, for I have been saved the trouble of hunting you up.

Hastings Always preoccupied? Aren't you yet undeceived? Don't you— Don't you realize that your passion is a chimera and a hallucination? Give it up—believe me. You won't profit by crossing my plans. Show yourself to be wise.

Urania As usual, you babble without rhyme or reason. But, you know what I want to talk about. Here is McNaughten's written promise to marry me; given as a mark of his affection and in his own handwriting.

(Flavella flinches)

Hastings
Where is your credulity leading you, sis?

Urania
He wrote me, I tell you. I've been swindled. Listen, niece—

Flavella
You may be quite sure I'm listening very carefully, auntie.

Urania Without exaggeration, you are very pleasant to try to steal a heart like his from me, and to appropriate my treasure so boldly. Such an action is stupid and not honest.

Flavella Who could possibly ravish a conquest from your arms? Your eyes guarantee that when one has been struck by your manifold attraction, they will never change. They are charming eyes which steal men from others.

Urania My eyes are prettier than yours. We will see who succeeds best if we employ them at the same time!

Hastings
Oh, I am at the end of my patience listening to you both. Happily, I
see my son-in-law coming.
(To McNaughten)
Are you bring the solicitor with you?

(Enter McNaughten)

McNaughten I've been looking for him for nearly an hour, in vain. I finally came to ask you to conduct me to him. Something irritating is always happening to me today.

Hastings
I am waiting for him. I believe he won't be late.

McNaughten One, after running after me, like one of my most cherished and faithful friends, asked news of my health. Another, forcefully grabbed my hand, and wanted to lead me to a tavern for supper. Then, a third, stopping me in the street, forced me to pay a debt I know nothing about. All these people confound me to Hell! As if I knew them any better than Lucifer!

Urania Traitor! Are you finished? In spite of your promised word, you intend to marry another? In spite of all your oaths, in spite of your first choice?

McNaughten
Ah, are we still at that?

Urania You desert me, ingrate, faithless heart. You take pleasure in the cruel pain I suffer. You see me dying and giving in to my fate without shedding one single tear for my death. (collapsing on Jenny)

McNaughten This woman is a torment; she must have been bewitched. Must I always have a fury attached to my steps?

Jenny Can you see my lady expire in my arms? You, who once had so much tenderness for her? This poor innocent—does she deserve to have her love repaid by such cruelty?

McNaughten
Let her expire in your arms. Let the Devil take her, and you with her.
Who cares! Already, for my peace and quiet, he might have done that.

Urania (springing back to life) Perjurer! I will avenge myself for your breach of contract. I have your promise. There's your signature. I have proof of your imposture.

McNaughten (to Hastings) She's crazier than it's possible to explain. Try, as soon as you can, to have her shut up.

Hastings (reading the contract)
But here's your name: McNaughten. Have you been with her in some way?
She is my sister: maybe I can smooth things over.

McNaughten
Me! If I've ever seen those two cheats standing there before today.
Pardon the harsh word, one of them is your sister. Never mind. I swear
before you, that Satan—Lucifer—

Hastings
I believe you without swearing.

McNaughten This woman has vowed to make me insane. Spirit, demon, mischief making witch, woman or fury—whatever you are: I beg you, leave me alone.

(Enter Torrington)

Hastings
Ah, Mr. Torrington, you come just in time, and we await you eagerly.

Torrington I meet the company with pleasure, reunited on a joyful day in one place. I believe my presence won't displease. The future has great attractions. Your daughter was only lacking a husband—despite all her attractions, she was incomplete. But, now, behold the well made man love has given her. Now, she has nothing to desire.

McNaughten Except to be a widow, and see me buried. That is the finishing touch on the happiness of a woman.

Flavella
Such ideas never entered my mind.

Torrington (laughing uneasily) The gentleman says what he thinks. Your beauty charms him as much as your wit. I promise you, he's an honest man. I vouch for him.

McNaughten
You're joking, sir.

Torrington
And, in his headstrong character you find frankness of heart.

McNaughten (genially) I will be even with you. It's you to whom virtues are social conventions. I would praise you equally, if I had your facility with words.

Torrington
If, as I believe, we are all agreed, we can proceed.

Urania (sweetly) No need to hurry. I am opposed, if you please, to this pretty marriage, and for a very good reason.

Hastings You can tell us your reasons and your griefs tomorrow, sister. Don't prevent us from doing our business.

Torrington
Here, then, is the contract.

McNaughten But, first, sir, there is a little business that must be settled first.

Torrington Whatever you like is best. I wouldn't have been in such a hurry if you hadn't asked me to finish drawing up the contract as soon as possible.

McNaughten
Are you suggesting you've seen me before?

Torrington
At my house.

McNaughten
When?

Torrington
A little while ago.

McNaughten
Who—me? Me?

Torrington You, yes, you. You paid me the honor of a visit in my home. But I made it worth your while, for I paid you sixty thousand pounds sterling.

McNaughten
Wait a minute. What did you say?

Torrington
You're trying to make some joke.

McNaughten
This is no laughing matter, I assure you. In fact, I am getting upset.
Isn't your name Torrington?

Torrington
It certainly is.

McNaughten
And are you not a solicitor?

Torrington
I am—and an honest man to boot.

McNaughten Oh, that's something else again. Don't you have sixty thousand pounds inheritance for me?

Torrington
I did—but no longer.

McNaughten
Why not?

Torrington
Isn't McNaughten your name?

McNaughten
Without a doubt.

Torrington Then, I gave the sum to you, in cash and bills of exchange. And, what's more, I have your receipt for it.

McNaughten
What, sir? You have the effrontery, the insolence—

Torrington
What, sir—have you the audacity, the impudence—

McNaughten
To say that I received sixty thousand pounds for you.

Torrington
The boldness to deny it?

McNaughten
There, I confess it—an abominable man!

Torrington
There, I swear it to you—a detestable cheat.

Hastings Hey, gentlemen, gentlemen, easy. I am ashamed for you, and I don't know which of you to believe.

Flavella
Sir, this gentleman might indeed have a heart dark enough to—

Urania
Yes, he's a rogue who glories in crime.

Jenny
Sue him, and if there's a need I will be a witness against him.

(Enter Spruce)

Spruce
Hey, what's going on here? Here's a big squabble.

McNaughten
Let this man judge of our difference. He's hardly left me all day. I
call him as witness. Let him speak.
(To Spruce)
Did I receive money today from this gentleman?

Spruce Without a doubt. Sixty thousand pounds that your uncle left you in negotiable instruments.

McNaughten (taking Spruce by the throat)
Ah, false witness, miserable imposter—you must remember—

Spruce Yes, I remember that the sixty thousand pounds was given to a man dressed like you, of the same proud bearing, a man who intends to marry this gentleman's daughter, a man who is called McNaughten, and is from Scotland. And, if you deny it, it's a lie, and I'll take my oath—

Torrington
See, if it's possible, to have a blacker heart, to be more of a cheat.
Alas, what are you marrying him for? I've gotten you into a pleasant
business.

Hastings I took this gentleman for a man of substance— Now, I don't value him at all.

Urania After what he has done to me, there is no crime, no evil, that he wouldn't perpetrate.

Jenny Traitor, finally, you're caught, and there's nothing for you to do but go hang yourself. I'll be happy to supply the rope.

McNaughten No, I don't believe that Hell itself is capable, in its execrable rage, so many men, so many evil demons, as you all. Ah, I cannot speak, I am so enraged.

(Enter the Captain)

Captain I believe my presence is required to get to the bottom of this astonishing mystery.

Hastings
What in the world do I see?

Torrington
What prodigy is this?

Urania
Ought I to believe my eyes?

Jenny Madame, I don't know if my vision is troubled, or if it's some vapor, that is making me see double.

McNaughten
What object presents itself and makes me see myself, as in a mirror.
Why, it's my walking portrait, or a reflection.

Captain
How dare you take my name and appearance, sir, as your own? I am
Captain McNaughten, and you are injuring my reputation.

McNaughten (aside)
On my oath, this is another cheat.
(Aloud)
By what right, sir, do you steal my name? I don't go around taking
yours.

Captain
I've had no other name from birth.

McNaughten
My father gave me this name.

Captain
Mine has been the same all my life.

McNaughten
In giving birth to me, my mother died.

Captain
Mine died, also—in the same manner.

McNaughten
I am from Scotland.

Captain
I, too, am from Scotland.

McNaughten I had a certain brother, a bad scapegrace, and I haven't heard news of him in fifteen years.

Captain I had a brother, too. A pious, churchgoing hypocrite. I've ignored his fortunes for fifteen years.

McNaughten This brother was my identical twin, and resembled me in everything except piety.

Captain Mine was my spitten image. Who sees him, sees me. But usually not in the same places.

McNaughten
Are you not this brother?

Captain
You've said it. There's the explanation of the mystery.

McNaughten
Is it possible? Oh, Heavens.

Captain May this confession witness my joy and happiness. My brother, it is indeed me. What a happy encounter. Has fortune brought you to my sight?

McNaughten Brother, there has been much to rejoice me this day. But, I rather counted on your being dead.

Jenny All this has nothing to do with us, Madame. Be sure of it, we are going to get one or the other, no matter what happens.

Hastings
What we are witnessing is certainly unusual.
(To Flavella)
You must have one of these two for a husband. Choose the one you like,
dear, and make me happy.

Flavella (recognizing the mark in the Captain's hat)
Rather than pick and choose, I'll have this gentleman, and take my
chances.
(Aside)
I hope they didn't switch hats.

Urania
And me, I'll take this one. (grabbing McNaughten)

McNaughten
To listen to you, you have only to kiss and choose as you please!

Spruce
While each lady takes the one to her taste, by right of windfall,
Jenny belongs to me.

Hastings (to the Captain) Accept my daughter. Although it is pure fate that puts you in my family, I wanted a McNaughten in the family and my plans are unchanged.

Captain In the excess of happiness my destiny has sent me, my heart is unable to contain its joy.

Spruce Jenny, everybody is thinking about marrying— Let's do it, too—so as not to be disagreeable by being different.

Jenny
If you hadn't lied so much, I wouldn't mind.

Spruce
I did it for your own good.

Jenny
But I am afraid—

Spruce
What are you afraid of?

Jenny
Of making a crazy mistake.

Spruce
I will be making a mistake a hundred times greater than yours if I let
you escape. (hugging her to him. She fends him off for a minute, then
submits slyly)
(To the spectators)
Ladies and Gentlemen, as you see, I've succeeded in pulling off the
marriage I prepared. I am going to bind my head in victory laurels. If
I have merited your applause, you will complete my happiness. (bowing)

CURTAIN

End of Project Gutenberg's The McNaughtens, by Jean-Francois Regnard