Scene I. The same. Captain McNaughten, dressed in mourning enters, in conversation with Spruce.
Spruce Nothing is more surprising! Your resemblance to your twin passes belief. You and he are really one. With you both dressed in black, no one can tell the difference. I, your valet, cannot even be sure. So as not to be deceived myself, let me put a mark on you. Give me your hat.
Captain (giving his hat to Spruce)
What do you intend to do?
Spruce (putting a yellow ribbon on the hat) To put my mark on you, just like your father did, to better distinguish you.
Captain
I think you're trying to make me laugh.
Spruce
I'm not joking. I could very easily make a mistake.
Captain Mr. Torrington is already quite taken in. He met me right away, was very obliging, and within the hour will pay me my money.
Spruce What! He's going to pay over the entire inheritance? Sixty thousand pounds.
Captain (airily)
The whole thing.
Spruce What an honest man. But, let me tell you what has happened. On this very spot, others have taken your twin for you. Urania did so, and so did Jenny. Urania wanted to have him for dinner. He, surprised, not knowing what to say, and taking it to be a trap for his virtue, treated her very rudely, and was almost ready to fight with her. If I hadn't made peace between them, there would have been a mortal battle between man and woman.
Captain
Haven't they suspected the mistake?
Spruce How can they suspect you? For twenty years, they've thought you dead, and never, no matter how hard they try, can they figure the situation out.
Captain It's a pleasant adventure, and keeps me in good humor. But look—my father-in-law's coming. Let's carry on the sport. Accost him immediately.
(Enter Sir George Hastings)
Spruce
Sir, are you an honest man by the name of Hastings?
Hastings
That's my name.
Spruce
Delighted to meet you. Here is my master, freshly arrived, named
McNaughten, coming from Scotland, just to marry your daughter.
Hastings Ah, sir, hopefully this unexpected meeting will show you how glad I am you are here.
Captain And you, too, sir, witness a parallel joy and respect in your intended son-in-law.
Hastings Your figure, your air, your wit—enchant me. My heart would be completely happy if your late uncle, whom I met with often to conclude this marriage, was still alive.
Captain Ah, sir, don't recall his death. An uncle that I loved with a tender regard. This boy can tell you of my excessive sorrow, and how, at his death, I was awash in tears.
Spruce How Heaven made his soul miserable! But to speak of him is to touch a very tender nerve and might— But he was very old.
Hastings
Not so very old, same age with me, about fifty.
Spruce The word old can be understood in many ways. I speak of old with respect to his health. He was always complaining of some infirmity.
Hastings Not at all. He was never attacked by a malady in his entire life until the horrible accident which caused his death.
Captain
He had an iron constitution.
Spruce (aside to Captain)
Now, you're right.
Captain (aside to Spruce)
Shut up, then.
Hastings This conversation will awaken your grief. Let's talk of something more lively and gay. You are going to see my daughter, and I flatter myself you will be very content with her looks and her vivacity.
Captain I hope that duty will answer for me. I count very little on my own will.
Hastings You are quite wrong. Rely on enchanting her at first sight. I know women, and, take my word, Flavella is a wax tablet which I mould and form to my pleasure. I'll be very much surprised if you are not to her taste. I am her father, and to show you how much she defers to my wishes, just step aside. I am going to call her, and, without her seeing you, you will see how she responds to you.
(Exit Hastings)
Captain Leave me here. Go find my brother. The main thing is to prevent him from meeting Mr. Torrington. Make sure!
Spruce I agree. But, in the romantic mood he's in, I don't guarantee I'll be able to prevent him from seeing Miss Flavella. So, press her ardently, but be quick about it, there's no time to waste.
Captain
Go, quickly. I won't lose any time here. (steps aside)
(Exit Spruce in one direction. From another, enter Hastings and
Flavella.)
Hastings
Now, come along, Flavella.
Flavella
What is it, father?
Hastings To be brief about it, a man from Scotland has just arrived. He's very good looking, and he's here to marry you.
Flavella (aside)
What to I hear?
Hastings It's a perfect match—birth, wealth, family, all to my taste, and, as to his person—his person will suit you, my dear, suit you perfectly.
Flavella
Father, without, without pushing this conversation any further, permit
me to say, with deference and without showing any lack of obedience—I
HAVE NO INTENTION OF GETTING MARRIED!
Hastings
What? When did you decide that? You never used to talk like this.
Flavella True, but wisdom comes with age. I know the danger now. Today, husbands are, for the most part, jealous and unfaithful. They want a woman to marry their caprices. The best husbands are those with only a FEW vices.
Hastings But, he's a very nice, young man. You'll like him when you get to know him.
Flavella
I ALREADY HATE HIM WITHOUT SEEING HIM! It's enough that he's a
Scotsman and wears kilts. I wouldn't have him if he were a prince.
Captain (appearing) Madame, it's not necessary to be so passionate against the poor unfortunate your father wants to give you. If you hate him, he can find others whose sentiments differ from yours.
Flavella (aside) Good Heavens, what do I see! How astonishing! It's Captain McNaughten, dear God, it's my lover.
Hastings I am in despair that such a distaste has rendered her spirit so contrary to my wishes. But, I will force her, if you wish me to—
Captain No, sir, do not force her inclinations. I would rather die than constrain Madame's heart.
Hastings
Look him over, daughter. He's a husband practically made to order.
He's a young man, well born, and his spirit is the equal of his birth
and wealth.
Captain (plaintively)
I was wrong to set my hopes so high.
Flavella
What—is this the man you propose for me?
Hastings Yes—if you don't cross me in my choice. If your stupid, crazy ideas don't ruin all my plans and care.
Flavella To be honest with you, after seeing him, my heart isn't so set against marriage as it was before.
Captain You have such a passionate hate for me—can your eye accustom itself to look on me?
Flavella
My father's the boss. I will do everything daddy says.
(Enter Urania)
Urania
Ah, you are still here, traitor! With what impudence do you dare to
remain in my presence, after you have treated me with such indignity?
Aren't you afraid of my just anger?
Captain
Madame, I don't know what you are trying to say, and this brusque
conversation bewilders me. You mistake me for someone else, I am sure.
What complaint have you against me?
Urania Two faced traitor! Do you pretend not to know me? You tricked me with a pretended passion, and I, in good faith,—I gave you my heart— (wailing)—without knowing yours and all its darkness!
Captain You honor me with all my defects, but truly, I don't understand a word you are talking about.
Hastings
My word, neither do I. But tell me, sister, what are you getting at?
This bizarre humor—
Captain
This lady is your sister?
Hastings Yes, sir—who infuriates me—my elder sister, but not wiser. What new caprice, what new demon, I say, makes you come play mischief? To scandalize this poor gentleman who never saw you before in his life? How could he have harmed you, a perfect stranger?
Urania Doesn't know me! A perfect stranger! I believe you're mad. For two years, this ingrate has been my suitor—my lover. This gigolo has drawn on my wealth, and I have paid for practically every thing he wears. If I hadn't taken pity on his misfortunes, he would long ago have been on the dole.
Hastings
I told you so; she's a little crazy.
Captain
Still, she seems normal. Some sort of mistake.
Hastings
Oh, I give you my word.
Captain In any event, I don't relish lingering here any longer to listen to this insulting discourse. I leave the battle field to the lady. I will return as soon as she leaves.
Hastings No one can stop her from talking. You have to put up with her difficult nature.
Captain For a while, sir, permit me to leave you. I will return to finish my visit.
(Exit Captain)
Urania (pursuing him part way) Don't think to escape me. I know your plans. You may try to tear him from my arms, but I swear I will marry him, in spite of the daughter, the father, the relations, the whole family—in spite of him, and in spite of myself, too.
(Exit Urania after the Captain)
Hastings What vertigo disturbs her and brings her here? As she gets older, her head seems to get more and more disturbed.
Flavella
It's true. I'm very often ashamed for her.
Hastings I am afraid that this woman, with her unaccountable temper may come here and cause some misfortune.
(Enter McNaughten and Spruce)
Spruce (to McNaughten) Yes, sir, here they are: the father and daughter, together. You can speak with both of them about your affair.
Hastings Ah, sir, my daughter and I must beg your pardon for my sister and her wild delusions. You conceive, sir, that women, like little girls, sometimes have spirits that go against their family.
McNaughten
Ah,—yes,—sir.
Hastings
You return quickly. I am delighted.
McNaughten I come to wish you a good day. And, at the same time, to marry a lady named Flavella, whose father you are,—at least every one says so. In short, that is what brings me here.
Hastings I've already told you, and I repeat, how much this pleases me. My daughter is happy, too. Having seen you, she now submits to love and duty. At first, she had a slight distaste—but after seeing you, her heart melted.
McNaughten (puzzled)
We've met before?
Hastings
Just now. You left her here, and appeared content.
McNaughten
Me? I left her here?
Hastings YOU, without a doubt. Certainly. We were just greeting you, with great joy, when my sister came with her crazy talk, and interrupted our conversation. How can you forget so soon?
McNaughten Someone is dreaming—either you or me! What! You would have me believe that I have already seen your daughter! When? How? Where?
Hastings
Right here—on this spot—a little while ago.
McNaughten So, you're crazy. This will make me look like a person having hallucinations, and I don't like that at all. However that may be, I see her now. Whether it is the first or second time makes little difference for our marriage.
Hastings (low)
At first, I thought this man was very intelligent.
McNaughten Madame, they've boasted to me, in letters, about your attractions. I'm quite content, seeing you, that all that was true. But, in some cases, temperament doesn't go together with beauty. It's up to you to cure my apprehensions on that score. I will give my verdict, after you have spoken.
Flavella (aside)
I don't understand him. His mind is troubled.
McNaughten I love men of spirit more than any man in England. I, myself, am brilliant without study. I find that study is the perfect way to spoil one's youth—besides being no use, whatever. So, I've never stuck my nose in a book. When a gentleman knows how to ride and steer his horse, drink, sign his name,—he is as wise a gentleman as the late Cicero.
Hastings
Will you take a position at court or in the Army?
McNaughten My mind is not made up. Court has many powerful attractions—provided the routine doesn't fatigue me. War also has its attractions. Because savants versed in astrology have assured me that I will live to be at least a hundred, necessarily I will not die on the battle field. My name will be famous throughout Europe. But still, there are so few wars these days. I really want to fulfill my destiny. If I only knew what it was. I really love to live.
Spruce
You are very wise.
Flavella
What a speech! What nonsense! Am I really listening to the man I love?
McNaughten
What's wrong? You appear surprised—as if I'd said something crazy.
You look to me (addressing Flavella) —let's speak openly—as if you
have little intention of heeding any lesson from your husband.
Flavella (icily)
I know what my duty is as an engaged woman.
McNaughten To be sure, I think you are virtuous and prudent. But you've got an amorous and sly look about you that doesn't augur well for me in the future. Without being a fortune teller, I predict you are planning some little trick to play on me in the future. True? What do you say?
Hastings
Sir, fear nothing. My daughter always behaves herself properly.
McNaughten
The sly ones always behave with great propriety.
Flavella Heavens! Can he say this to my face? Father, let me leave. This gentleman flatters me too much. His tender compliments allow me to understand his sentiments only too well.
(Exit Flavella before her father can reply)
Hastings (aside)
I thought at first my son-in-law had beautiful manners.
McNaughten
Women don�t' really like sincerity very much.
Spruce
You don't flatter them.
McNaughten By God, I am frank. Woman, mistress, friend, are all alike to me. I am not afraid to say what I think.
Hastings
That's very proper. Everything will be fine. Please stay at my house.
McNaughten
I receive that gracious offer in the proper spirit, but—
Hastings
To let you suffer in a hotel would be an insult.
McNaughten
I beg you to let me stay at liberty a little longer.
Hastings
So be it! I am going to see about this marriage contract.
(Aside)
My would be son-in-law appears a savage. But his wealth redeems all.
(Exit Hastings)
McNaughten (slowly)
I have seen the object I am to marry.
Spruce
Yes, sir. Right here.
McNaughten
Tell me, frankly, what do you think?
Spruce
To be honest with you, I didn't find many perfections.
McNaughten
My word, neither did I.
Spruce (aside) What an additional embarrassment. One of our creditors is bearing down on us. It's the old clothes merchant who is paying us a visit.
(Enter Mr. Bronlow)
Bronlow (greeting McNaughten) My humble duties. I learned this morning of your return, sir. I have come to be the first to welcome you to England. We were all worried about you. Extremely worried, I may say. In my establishment, everybody loves you, me, my daughter, my wife—we all tremble with fear that something might happen to you.
McNaughten Such good souls to love me without having seen me! I never would have believed it.
Bronlow We owe it to you, sir. And for very good reason. You've been a friend of our house for a very long time.
McNaughten (to Spruce, low)
Who is this man?
Spruce (low) He's—he's a visionary. A type of lunatic—with a pleasant character (making it up as he goes along, and becoming more and more inspired) —who believes everyone he meets owes him money. It's his folly to greet everyone he meets and present them with a promissory note—and to demand payment. I am surprised that he hasn't paid you the compliment already. (Aside) I think I did that rather well.
McNaughten
His madness is novel and rare, assuredly.
Spruce (low, to McNaughten) It happens all the time in this city. If you stay here long enough, he may not be the only one you meet.
Bronlow I am delighted to see you in such good health. More than you can imagine. Here's a little bill you ran up before you left. I am sure you won't quibble about paying it.
Spruce (triumphantly)
What did I tell you!
Bronlow Because you were away so long, I was obliged to sue out a judgement against you.
McNaughten
A personal judgement against me!
Bronlow But, kindly creditor that I am—I differ extremely from process servers whose suits and writs give people headaches—I present the bill myself—
McNaughten
You're truly very good and honest. What might be your name?
Bronlow
Oh—you know it very well.
McNaughten
Let me be hanged if I know it at all!
Bronlow
Could you possibly forget?
Spruce (aside to Bronlow)
Are you unable to see the illness he's suffering from?
Bronlow
Indeed, I am unable to see it!
Spruce He's suffering from amnesia and cannot recall a thing. Neither what he's done nor the people he's seen. Talking to him about the past is not only useless but crazy. His name itself, his very own name, he sometimes forgets!
Bronlow Heavens, what are you telling me? What a sad event. But how could he, at his young age?
Spruce How? (puzzled momentarily) How? He lost it in the war—in a battery with the cannon roaring with such fury that it made a commotion in his head—which prevents him from remembering anything. In his weak head— this tender membrane. Oh, you cannot understand the effect of a cannon.
Bronlow (very decently) I am terribly sorry for what has befallen you, but I assure you that you do owe me this money.
McNaughten
I can see very clearly that reason has taken leave of you.
Bronlow
Sir, try to recall those uniforms I supplied you with.
McNaughten Uniforms to me! Go collect your imaginary bills elsewhere. I haven't the time to listen to your nonsense. You are an old fool.
Bronlow I am a clothes merchant. My name is Bronlow incorporated, and I am a churchwarden. If you've lost your memory, the articles are listed in the bill of sale, which if you would kindly read, will inform you— (Presenting a bill of sale to McNaughten)
McNaughten (tearing it up and throwing the pieces in Bronlow's face)
Here, take your foolish bill of sale! I've done with it.
Spruce (to Bronlow, who is horrified)
Oh, sir, against a madman, it is useless to contend.
Bronlow (gathering up the pieces)
To tear up a bill of sale; to throw it in my face. You are a cheater!
McNaughten (ready to attack Bronlow)
Me? A cheater?
Spruce (putting himself between them)
Gentlemen—please—
Bronlow
I will show you.
Spruce (to Bronlow)
Not so much noise. Consider the state to which he has been reduced.
Bronlow
To tear up a receipt!
Spruce
Not such a big thing.
Bronlow
It's a frightful crime—worthy of transportation.
McNaughten
Let me pull his ears!
Spruce
Leave him alone. What would you do to a poor churchwarden?
(To Bronlow)
If you argue any more something terrible may happen.
Bronlow
I want to be paid. I don't give a damn about the rest.
Spruce (to Bronlow) Leave, sir, leave. Do you want to rekindle the flames in his overheated mind with your screaming?
Bronlow Very well—I will leave. But before an hour has passed, I am going to make him change his tune. Your humble servant.
(Exit Mr. Bronlow)
Spruce
What's the use of getting irritated by a madman?
McNaughten What? Does he seek me out to be the butt of his impertinences? Let him take his extravagances down another road. Let's go to Mr. Torrington without waiting any further.
Spruce Presently sir, now it would be a wasted effort. He isn't home, but he'll be back soon. In a little while, I'll return and take you to see him. A certain pressing duty calls me away suddenly.
McNaughten I will wait for you. Go, but don't delay. I need to calm down. I begin to believe everyone in this city is crazy. Of all the people I've met today, I've only found one. besides myself, who is reasonable, and that's you.
(Exit McNaughten to the hotel)
Spruce
I intend to inspect everything. Let's see. The fish himself is in our
net. Everything is going according to plan. Today, I serve two gods—
Fortune and Cupid. I hope to make myself useful!