Scene II. The same, a short time later. The Captain and Spruce enter from different directions. Spruce is out of breath again.
Spruce I found your brother, but not without trouble. You see how out of breath I am. I've been around London, from one end to the other—to the stage, to the post, everywhere. And I swear, every street I went down, I met a creditor. I even met that Welshman—the Squire to whom we owe a hundred pounds.
Captain
I am ashamed to owe him for so long. He took me for a gentleman—
Spruce (aside)
Which few do.
Captain And the first money that I get, I am going to repay him. Nothing will prevent me.
Spruce (aside) But a wench or a game of cards. (Aloud) Wonderful! Anyway, not knowing where to go first, I went back to the custom house. And there I saw your brother—actually knew him instantly from a distance—because of the resemblance. Really, an incredible resemblance. He was arguing with the inspector about the tariff. His face, his features, his bearing, even his tone of voice! If I hadn't known, I would have been deceived completely. But his temper,—that's where he's different from you. He's brusque, impolite even—quite unlike you. It's easy to see he isn't a man of the world— in fact, he's a savage brute!
Captain One shouldn't be surprised by rudeness in a country bumpkin who was nourished without politeness. It will take more than the air of London to get this beastly behaviour out of him.
Spruce As I was saying, I watched his quarrel from a distance, and when he finally left, I gave him a taste of my abilities as a porter. My zeal and flattery worked to such effect that he asked me to be his valet. I even recommended him this lodging—a place fit for the masterful projects I am hatching in my head. He ought to be here any minute.
Captain (amused) What masterful project are you hatching in that charming head of yours?
Spruce Fortune herself appeared to me—in total surrender. We can profit by this resemblance you bear to each other to obtain Flavella, and— what's more important—your inheritance. Two birds with one stone.
Captain
Yes, yes, we can. We shall, we will. But how?
Spruce Nothing could be easier. We'll trade off this bumpkin to Aunt Urania, you will get Miss Flavella, and more important, I will get Jenny.
Captain
And how are we to put this brave plan into action?
Spruce
First, you've got to change clothes, and dress like the heir apparent.
Adopt his mannerisms, and the Devil will provide—
Captain Dress like an heir? My God, I don't know how. I've never been an heir before.
Spruce
Act sad on first sight. Impose on the lawyer and get the money.
Captain
I am a little uncomfortable about deceiving my brother.
Spruce
What an idle and ridiculous delicacy! Risk nothing, gain nothing.
Maybe you ought to protect him. With this money, he could do some
good—only you don't give him a good character.
Captain If I want this inheritance, it's only for the sake of Flavella, whom I adore.
Spruce Of course. And if you don't get it, he will have her! Can you bear thinking of him kissing her?
Captain
Damnation!
Spruce
But he was a fine brother, and you ought not to deceive him.
Captain He's a son of a bitch. He was always stealing my toys. That's it. I'll do it.
Spruce
Good. That's the spirit.
Captain I'll tell you what. Flavella doesn't look on me with indifference. Her father knows nothing of it, and, by good luck, has never seen me, because I've never taken the first step to ask for her hand. If I had, all my hopes would have been dashed, I am sure of it. Still, one thing holds me back.
Spruce
Good Heavens, what can it be?
Captain
I've promised in writing to marry Urania.
Spruce Banish all thought of that engagement. If you were to marry all the women you've promised to marry, you would be a bigamist many times over. Now to work! You must dress like your brother. He's wearing mourning, a little frayed. His wig's a little different than yours, but you really don't need to change much. You must get into mourning, without wasting any time.
Captain
But, Urania is waiting for me to dine with her!
Spruce You now have other work to do. Dine tomorrow! I believe I see your brother coming up that side street. I'm not mistaken. You must go quick— Doubletime, Captain.
Captain
But, tell me first—
Spruce
I've nothing to say to you now, except go, quickly.
(Reluctantly, with a questioning expression, the Captain goes, hurried off by Spruce. After a moment, enter McNaughten dressed in mourning.)
Spruce Finally, you're here, sir. To keep my word I've been waiting for you by this hotel, but it's been a long time.
McNaughten Yes, indeed, here I am. I thought it was all my life was worth to get here. What a country—what a Hell! I made a thousand false turns. I've never run so many risks in my life. One cannot take a step without falling in some trap. Everywhere some pickpocket hemmed me in. A carriage covered me with mud. What noise, what confusion. I believe that in this city, the Devil has finally settled on his abode.
Spruce
Oh, London is a tumultuous, noisy place.
McNaughten Really! I'd much prefer to be at a Black Sabbath. A woods full of robbers is a hundred times more secure. My trunk was taken by someone else. I've lost fifteen pounds—and some love letters, too.
Spruce
You have to be on your guard around here.
McNaughten
I believe it, indeed. This loss will make me more alert and exact.
Happily, I kept most of my money in my belt.
Spruce Did you so? How clever of you. (picking his pocket) I've had a bed prepared for you in a nice quiet room, in the back, away from the street. Do you plan to stay in this town long?
McNaughten The less, the better. I can see nothing to like about it. I'm only here to get married.
Spruce
You usually can't do that business in a single day.
McNaughten I'm also here to collect an inheritance of sixty thousand pounds. I inherited it from an uncle that I had once, but no longer do—by a singular grace of God.
Spruce
And is it all for you, sir?
McNaughten Precisely. War took off my brother—opportunely. He was only twenty— in the flower of his youth. He took a quick trip to the promised land, and has never returned. God's grace knows no bounds.
Spruce Heaven give him peace, and give you success in all your plans. If you have need of my little services, you can employ me, sir, in any way you please. I know London very well, and I am always willing to serve my friends devotedly.
McNaughten
Can you tell me how to find a man named George Hastings?
Spruce
Hastings?
McNaughten
Exactly, that's his name.
Spruce Is there a man in London who knows better than I how to get to his house? We'll go together. Have you some business with him?
McNaughten
Yes, I do. By chance, might you also know where a solicitor named
Torrington lives?
Spruce Ah, indeed, I know him. You couldn't have done better than ask me— he's a particular friend of mine. We'll go to him, too. (Aside) But, I see Jenny coming. Good God, I hope she doesn't ruin all my good work.
(Enter Jenny)
Jenny What the Devil are you two doing—are you tied to a stake? Dinner's getting cold, my mistress is annoyed. Ah, there you are, sir. Truly, I am delighted.
McNaughten
What for?
Jenny I'm sent to see what prevents you from coming. My lady cannot understand the reason. But, what is this, sir, why the mourning outfit and the lugubrious reception? You act as if you didn't know me?
McNaughten
Miss—
Jenny Why have you gone into mourning so suddenly? Do you think this is the way to dress for a dinner party? Are you coming from a funeral, sir?
McNaughten
What's it to you? I'll dress as I please.
(Low to Spruce)
The girls around here are well equipped with effrontery and curiosity.
Spruce It's the custom of the town. They're always friendly with people they've never met. Beware a trap.
Jenny My concern in this matter is natural enough. Whatever happens to you interests me. My lady has an extreme tenderness for you, and I must imitate her.
McNaughten
Quite unnecessary.
Jenny
Sir!
McNaughten
You pretend your mistress loves me, do you?
Jenny
You pretend you don't know that?
McNaughten
May I be hanged if I ever heard of it before this moment!
Jenny (puzzled) You've had several proofs already. And if you want more solid proof, you can bed her and marry her whenever you like.
McNaughten
I can bed her?
Jenny
Easily.
McNaughten
And marry her?
Jenny
Yes, indeed.
McNaughten
Why would I want to do that?
Jenny
You don't have any other object in view, do you?
McNaughten
The proposition is very straightforward, on my word.
(Aside to Spruce)
On my oath, this wench is a procuress.
Spruce (protesting)
I rather like her that way.
Jenny
Before your return thousands came to offer for her hand, but
McNaughten is the only one who ever earned her love.
McNaughten (astounded)
How'd you know my name?
Jenny
How do you know mine?
McNaughten
How do I know YOUR name?
Jenny
Exactly. Same way.
McNaughten
I don't know it at all. Who the Devil are you, anyway?
Jenny
What's the meaning of this joke? My name's Jenny, and I serve Urania.
And I've seen you there more than a thousand times.
McNaughten
You're her servant?
Jenny
Now you've got it.
McNaughten My word! So much the worse for you. I know nothing about it. But, it's really a shame to think such a young girl is engaged in such a sinful school.
Jenny Quit joking. In one word, my lady is waiting dinner for you. To please you, she's invited her girl friend, who is pretty and very vivacious.
McNaughten
Your mistress does very good work.
Jenny (to Spruce, giving up on McNaughten) You talk to me, then? Tell me, what vapor has deranged his mind in so short a time?
Spruce (aside to Jenny) For some time he's been subject to distractions—the effect of which you can see for yourself. Sometimes, he talks idly and without any sense. He often speaks wildly.
Jenny (to Spruce)
Usually, he seems sensible enough. How can one lose one's memory and
reason in such a short time?
(To McNaughten)
Do you intend to speak sensibly to me?
McNaughten My dear, I am reasonable enough. It's you who are drunk or crazy. Do you intend to bother me with your nonsensical stories for an hour? Who is this Urania who adores me? You talk of dinner, a pretty friend, and a hundred other things, each one more stupid than the other. And which I don't comprehend any more than I do Algebra or the Koran.
Jenny You have no intention of being reasonable or dining with us, as you promised?
McNaughten The answer is no. I give myself to the Devil—and your mistress, too, with her noble plans. Let other birds fall into her snares. And you, her emissary and honest agent, do you not know it's a villainous thing to be a bawd? Some evil will befall you. Pray God for forgiveness. Go —and sin no more. I warn you, quit this line of work. Be guided by my advice—it's for your own good.
Jenny Well! I never have been so insulted in my life. Dare to call me a bawd!
McNaughten
Don't expect to catch me in your traps. I'm no country bumpkin.
Jenny We will see if you have the nerve to say such stupid things to my lady. Because, I am going to tell her everything you said, and, I won't omit one word. Be sure of it! (To Spruce) Goodbye, worthy valet of an unworthy master. I hope after a while we'll know each other better. (Aside) I don't understand any of it, and I hardly know where I am at!
(Exit Jenny)
McNaughten My God! What a town. What a strange place. They told me the London women were bold, and that to succeed in their secret practices, they inform themselves about newcomers with great care. But this is unbelievable.
Spruce She must have heard your name on the stage coach. She decided to make use of it when you got here, so that she could get something from you.
McNaughten
Right. That's how she knew. But, I defy their plots!
Spruce (slyly) If you had gone with her, (he gestures of someone being knocked over the head) it might have been all over for you. For both of us, in fact.
McNaughten Thank God, I know how to protect myself. If they've got it in their head to trick me— Well it won't work with such beastly tricks as these. I wasn't born yesterday.
Spruce Better not stay in this place too long. The women of London have lures that force the proudest hearts to succumb.
McNaughten
Your advice is good. Let's go in without lingering.
(Enter Urania and Jenny)
Jenny
You will see if I lie—. Speak to him. There he is!
(Aside)
The lout.
Urania While I am dying of impatience to see you, you wait here quite indifferent. Dinner is getting cold. You know I have no pleasure except when you are by.
McNaughten
In truth, Madame, I must tell you that I am very surprised—
Spruce (aside)
Be careful, sir. One friendly word might—
McNaughten (aside) Leave it to me. (Aloud) In my surprise— I find it very surprising—your attractions are a little distracting—and confound me. Besides— My word, I don't know what to say.
Urania The distraction I see you in suggests you've been involved in some bad business. Why didn't you tell me of this sad event? Tell me, dear child, have you been badly hurt—beaten up? Don't keep anything from me.
McNaughten (pulling himself together)
Never. I haven't been fighting.
Urania Is it money? All my wealth is yours.— When one loves and when one has only the purest ends in view, all the good and the bad, the pleasures and the pains—everything must be shared equally. I want my fortune to run with yours.
McNaughten (low)
So, that's it. Wants my money.
(Aloud)
I am obliged to you for the sentiment, but I have no need for the
kindness you offer me.
Urania
I don't understand this. This isn't the way you usually talk.
Spruce (low)
He's very rude, the way he talks. The better for us.
Urania
Please, let's go in to dinner.
McNaughten (low)
I'll humor her.
(Aloud)
I cannot now. I have some other business.
Urania'
I don't want to force you, but I'm frightened by your coldness.
McNaughten (furiously) What the Devil is this! Leave and finish. I am neither hot nor cold for you.
Jenny Well! Can he carry this impudence any farther? Stop, sir, you push your insolence too far. My word, if you come to us again, I'm going to slam the door in your face.
Urania
But, where've you been? Stop hiding things from me.
McNaughten You pretend to be ignorant, Madame, but you know very well. Didn't you see me on the stage coach. So, you know where I've been and where I'm going. It's your business.
Urania
What a reproach! And what stage are you talking of?
McNaughten The most vulgar one can go on. I doubt there's another between London and Bristol that better jolts the passengers.
Urania (helplessly)
Jenny, you're right, he's lost his mind.
Jenny He hasn't lost a thing. Surely, he's had too much to drink. It's wine that carries him to these extravagances.
McNaughten I've had enough of your impertinences. More important business calls me away, and it's to finish that business that I am here. To get married, and not to dine with creatures like you who seek adventures.
Urania
Creatures! Adventures! Heavens! What a way to speak to me!
Jenny Creatures! Ah, Madame, here are two fabulous cheats. If you listen to me, we'll box their ears and avenge our pride.
McNaughten
Softly, if you please. Moderate your passion.
Jenny I've never felt so wild. I would have spared the valet—but he does nothing to separate himself from his master. Why, Spruce?
Spruce I don't wish to know of your differences. I do not want to fight with you. If he brutalizes you, why blame me?
Urania How unhappy I am and how weak to have declared my affection for this ingrate! Jenny, you know it—I hide nothing from you.
Jenny
Perfidious wretch—isn't your heart touched?
McNaughten There, there, take it easy. If this extreme love has come on so swiftly, mark my words, it will soon pass off.
Urania (having made up her mind)
Go!— Expect nothing more from me, but hate and malice.
McNaughten
Fine. I can easily do without your favors.
Jenny
Ah, cursed renegade. Most wicked man in the world. May Heaven punish
you and Hell confound you. By rights, we should strangle you.
(Aside)
Surely, he's been bewitched—he just isn't himself.
(Exit Urania and Jenny in great wrath)
McNaughten Go with God, my princess. Choose more wisely where you form your rapid attachments. But see, what rage, what an outburst of passion. Now I feel a bit sorry, the Devil's tempting me. The maid had an appetizing face.
Spruce (aside) I'd better stop this. (Aloud) You've fought very bravely to the end—and one cannot praise your strength too highly. But beware, they might come back. Who knows what they will try next? So as not to have any more interruptions, let's go into the hotel. Then, if you think me worthy of some employment, you can give me something to do.
McNaughten I am dying to see the woman I am going to marry. Curiosity, more than love, pushes me on.
Spruce After you've inspected your room and freshened up, I will gladly escort you to her.
McNaughten
Good—wait until I return.
(Exit McNaughten to the hotel)
Spruce
I am going to find my master to find out what state things are in.
He'll look well in mourning. Courage, Spruce, be firm. Steady head,
steady hand. I will need all my skill.