JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.
Yu inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety “for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles.”
Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.
It iz a nobel institushun, and stands ahed ov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.
It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.
I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.
In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, “if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.”
Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good.
The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.
He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest.
In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur.
Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself.
I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.
I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.
Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.
Thare ain’t a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.
The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte.
A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.
If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, 334 would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other.
I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns.
Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun.
If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story.
Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him.
Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.
As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.
If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class missionary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.
The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them.
Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.
Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.
When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder.
When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and 335 lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cum back.
I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.
Dont go amung the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.
I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.
Mi plan iz simpli thus,—let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.
Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan.
This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.
I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings and make sum more.
This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.
Try sum other breed ov human kritter.
Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.
Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull’s eye every time.
I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns.
They will do it so that it will stay did.
I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind.