JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A “HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN.”
Dear Doktor Hirsute:—I reseaved a tin cup ov yure “Hair purswader,” also a bottle ov yure “Salvashun Bitters,” bi express, for which, I express my thanks.
The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand.
Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.
I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, ’tis really wonderful! ’tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don’t hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it.
I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed.
I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes.
The consequents waz, sum ov the “purswader” got onto the hair ov the cat’s tale.
When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one 498 more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.
I wouldn’t hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write 499 up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.
Dear Dokter, the fact iz, “sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them.”
Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one.
Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry.
It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your “Salvashun Bitters” a “vegatabel tonicks,” although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks.
The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you.
Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter.
Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are all these without whiskee.
Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up.
Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az “Hirsute’s Salvashun Bitters,” sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.
Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis.
P. S.—Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the “Salvashun Bitters,” let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.
Yures quietly,
Josh Billings.
{KARACTER VARIETY.}
KARACTER VARIETY.
