CHAPTER SIXTEEN
"Where you all going?" demanded a voice, and looking around we discovered Sabrina, the Show Girl, and two of her girl friends seated in a big red automobile that was drawn up to the curb. "Come on, jump in," she continued. "We are out to commune with nature for a few minutes and you might just as well be a commuter as the rest of us. Ain't this the one grand weather?
"No, you sit back here. We will make Wilbur sit up in front so that we can see he don't grub the eats. He's inside lancing the management for a group of free lunch and a package of liquid refreshments. Here he comes now. Bless his young heart he's got his arms full. Ain't it grand to be loved by such a man?
"No, Wilbur, you get up in the hurricane deck and we all will sit in the caboose. Have we got everything? Alla, did you forget the hot-water bag full of cracked ice for the champagne? Now, let's see where shall we go first to get the most nature? We can stop at the Cadillac, the Circle, the Casino in the Park and then make a quick jump to Claremont.
"In that way we can get some of the delightful Spring air and not be far from a head waiter at any time. Thats right, Sadie, you big gump, put your feet on the crackers. Those were bought to eat and not to be used as a door mat. Still, if you must wipe your feet we can print 'Welcome' on one of the crackers and you can clean your Dorothy Dodds till you are black in the face.
"Is everything ready? Do I look all right? Wilbur, give the motorman two bells. Look out, there! There goes Er Lawshe with a plaster cast of Genee under his arm. Do you want to make him drop it and break his heart?
"Sadie, it is not necessary to give the furtive glance to every gentleman who admires the machine. Go ahead and see if you can't scrape the paint off the cop. Alla, my dear, you know it isn't necessary to start eating now, you'll get yours, and besides several of the places we will stop at have free lunches, so you can have all that you are accustomed to without making inroads on the provision supply at this stage of the game.
"What 'a we got in the larder? Fifteen bottles and 10 cents' worth of crackers. My! it seems to me you are squandering an awful lot of money on food. Of course, if we get shipwrecked or something they may come in handy, but at present writing they are excess baggage.
"Whoa, chauffeur! Don't you see that bock beer sign? Whenever you see one of those turn the corner and stop at the family entrance. Hitch the machine and we will all soon see what mine host has in the way of nourishment. Sadie, it is not necessary to show such unseeming haste, as it is now but early noon and the place does not close until after midnight.
"This is a low-browed dump, but any port in a storm, as the poets say.
As I am directing this Cook's tour we will have but one drink here.
"Wilbur, how do you know that the bar-keeps name is George? Have you been false to me and been here with another? Bartenders are called George just like Chinamen are called John? What are you trying to bale out to me? Do you think I am a boob?
"Now, Alla, go to it and quench your thirst, for it may be several blocks before we stop again. My, ain't this warm weather glorious! It makes one so thirsty. Come, people, let's get back in the herdic, for we have a long journey ahead of us.
"There you go again, Sadie. Stepping all over the crackers. Before we get through we will have to take them in capsules. Look out for that car! Gee, those cars are bad enough without being mashed up more by some sneeze wagon. Certainly we'll go through the Fifth avenue entrance to the park. I may be some things, but I am no piker, and, besides, we got as much license as anybody. I remember when I used to go horseback riding through here every morning and I always had my groom in a beautiful red livery following me. I had the most beautiful black horse and an elegant riding habit. Why, there wasn't a day but what I was invited out to lunch. Sadie, that was very uncalled for. I am in no trance. You, of course, not being accustomed to those things, naturally look upon those people who were brought up on such stuff as balloon juice merchants. Maybe that will make you stand hitched.
"Look at that hearse go by us. Driver, if you are any good you will make that outfit look as if they were bound to the bannister.
"That's right, give them a touch of high life. Zow-e, if we are going less than a mile a minute I hope I have to walk home. Cheese, there's a bike cop. Can you loose him? Beat it. Good-by, Bobby. Look out, there's another one in front. Slow up, for goodness sake, or we will be pinched. What is it, sergeant? Oh, no, sir. Not more than six miles an hour, I am sure.
"This machine has got a dudedad on it that prevents it from going more than ten. Won't you have a little drink, officer? Just smile on the gent in the front seat; he's right there with the distillery. Wilbur, chase the roof off a jug of suds for the Lieutenant. I tell you, Captain, on my honor as a lady, we are not going more that six miles an hour. Must take us to the station! Why, you low-down, monkey-faced excuse for a sparrow cop, would you have the crust to stand up in front of a judge and tell him that we were going faster than ten miles an hour? If you want to get us to the station it's a cinch you will have to push the machine. Walk! Not so you could notice it. The only way you can get me there is to drag me by the hair of my head, and if you dare lay your mitts on my new marcel wave I will report you to your Commissioner, and if a certain friend of mine don't stand strong enough with him to have you broke, I'll eat my ostrich plume!
"Will let us go if we promise not to do it again? Why, certainly we won't, Sergeant. Thank you, Lieutenant. Here's a little something for the Relief Fund. Good-by, Captain. Wilbur give the driver two bells. The nerve of that guy thinking he could pinch me. I'll have you know that I am only nicked by the best cops on Broadway, and not by any high-grass constable. Hand 'em salve, pardy, hand 'em salve. A soft answer turneth away wrath. If that don't turn the trick use a brick.
"Oh, gee, there it is. Go around and come up the other side so we can be seen from all the tables.
"Let's take this table. Waiter, get on the job, as these gentlemen and ladies wish to address a few remarks to you. Oh, there's Grace McSweeney. Pipe the hat she is sporting. Bum taste, it strikes me. Who is that slob with her? Oh, hello, dear! I was just speaking of your new hat to Sadie. We both admired it so.
"We were wondering how you could wear it coming up on the Subway. I've found that the wind blows them all to pieces in my car. Who's the wop? From Pittsburg? Oh, is that so? He reminds me so much of a very dear friend of mine that was sent up for life. No, I suppose it's not the same party, though they are as alike as two peas. No, I don't care to meet him. You know one in my position cannot afford to associate with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Must you toddle? Good-by, dear.
"Cat! Did you get wise to the way I slipped her the sassy roast? Well, here's down the Irish channel. Varlet, fill up the flagons again. I just love to sit here and look out at Nature and the railroad tracks and the brick scows.
"Where do we go from here? You made me think I was back in the business. Oh, I don't care. Yonkers, over in Westchester County, or we can take the ferry for Jersey if you want to go out in the wilderness. It makes not an iota of difference to muh. Just as long as the chauffeur stays sober. Shall we hike? Lets slip up the drive for a ways. Sadie, are you ever going to have sense enough to keep your hoofs off those crackers? Honest, I don't believe your think tank is feeding properly. Why don't you blow in it and clear it out?
"Sure, I'll caper out to Yonkers if the rest of the crowd want to. I am just that kind of a fellow. Ain't I, Wilbur, dear? Oh, my, don't for mercy sakes disturb him. He's hunting locations for the Friar three-sheets that Mr. Gillen slipped 'em. He's got Mr. McManus' art studies planted now so that the burg looks like a Kansas town the day after the number two car of the circus leaves.
"Did you know that they are enlarging the secret tunnel in the new Friary so that Toxen Worm can get his getaway if the occasion should arise? Honest, it looks like the front view of the Hoboken tunnel. Oh, law me, what is that in the offening? Eureka! It's another cafe, or do muh eyes deceive me? I am athirst, let us rest our weary beast and partake of a flagon of nut brown ale. Say, I guess I would be bad in this Shakespeare thing. Alight, fair maids, and nominate your idea provokers.
"Waiter, follow those people's directions and do not let the mice build nests under your feet. Sink this and we will then continue our journey.
"Now, Sadie, as a friend I ask you don't do a ballet on them crackers. Run over the mutt. What care we for life. Gee, the canine is right there as the artful dodger. Ah! what? Bing! What was that? A puncture! My! For goodness sake, how long will we be bogged down. Oh, we can wait that long, can't we, dears? Pipe the yokel. Shall I hand him a game of chatter? No? Oh, very well.
"Let's have a picnic. Wilbur, get on the job and skid out the liquids. Alla, you may bring out what is left of the crackers. If that woman hasn't paraded over them biscuits until there isn't a piece there big enough to make a nice comfortable mouthful for a young flea.
"Throw 'em away, we don't want to overload our stomachs anyhow. Can you surpass that for a man. Here we've come all these weary miles carefully nursing these bottles to our bosoms and then that excuse there has the crust to speak up and say, 'I forgot the corkscrew.' Can you beat it? Wilbur, you just get on the job and pull them out with your teeth. Get away, you big standup and fall down, I'll show you how to get them out. What do you think us fair sex wear hat pins for, hey, shover? Want some of this jig juice for your tire? Right-o! Ain't I the English scamp? Got her fixed all right? Climb in, folks, and we will journey homeward, for I am beginning to feel thirsty and you certainly don't get the same treatment here that you do in town. Sadie, now that the crackers are gone I wish you would please remember that that is my foot. Say, you can never learn some of these dolls nothing. Nothing personal, my dear, though your hair is light.
"Don't you dish me out any hectic language, for I am a lady. I might forget myself and smear one all over you. Wilbur, are you going to sit up there and see your near-bride insulted by a woman? If you don't come back here and make her stop abusing me I'll take and bump your two hearts together. Now that goes if you hear it and I am speaking in no whisper.
"Can that fight talk even if this is a pleasure party. My, how time does fly! We are nearly home now. Let's all go down the street and see what's doing. Must you leave us? Don't rush away in the heat of the forenoon. So long. My, I am glad that man's out of the machine!"
Sabrina, in spite of the anti-betting law, goes to the race track and returns with money. She also drops a few remarks concerning gentlemen who claim their scarf-pins have been purloined by ladies.