PERSONAL ACTIONS
Section 1. When a gentleman accepts the honored position of escort he is supposed to do so willingly, and with the intention of fulfilling its many requirements. Do not accept and accompany a lady to her intended destination, and continually show any displeasure in your position. Pay strict attention to her, and leave her only when she is engaged in some dance or occupation with another partner. Young ladies take escorts in substitution for a brother or relative, and when so taking expect to find them congenial and as equal to their duties as any brother or relative would be. When asking a gentleman as escort the lady is expected to furnish the carriage if it is her desire to ride; it is not necessary for the gentleman to bring her flowers in return for her kindness, but an after-gift of the same will suffice. When asking a lady to give you the pleasure of her company for any event, you must, of course, expect to pay all expenses; if in the evening, and she is an old acquaintance, always expect to furnish a carriage. If only an acquaintance, and it is necessary to use a carriage, then a chaperon should be brought with you. But the cars are generally the mode of travel which can be used if a chaperon is not desired.
Never take advantage of your situation when in a carriage alone with a lady, by addressing her in any way too familiar to be polite.
2. Extravagance is one of the greatest faults into which young and old persist in falling. Very few society men know what economy means. So to point out a few ways by which extravagance may be at least modified by gentlemen: (a) It is very poor taste for a person to show by his attire extravagant inclinations. Do not dress too gaudily, or change the suits more than is ordinarily necessary for special occasions. Let your dress be not too costly, not too loud, but neat, of the styles described in Part I. of this book, and do away with too great a variety of top and over coats, neckties, patent leather shoes (for walking), and, above all, elaborately figured waistcoats, also elaborate canes. They all combine not only to appear extravagant, but destroy the effect of simple elegance. (b) Do not spend money for a thing unless it is necessary for your own good or that of a relation. Presents given by a single man should be simple and of slight cost.
If engaged the rule is less strict; but if married a man should not only teach himself the law of economy, but also his wife and children. Such gifts as candy, flowers, jewelry, etc., should be given only by very dear friends, which relation permits such presents to be of slight cost, while they are appreciated as if of great cost. Costly gifts to acquaintances are a gross extravagance.
3. Kissing is a pleasure which is not to be indulged in except among dear relatives, the family, wife, or your fiancée. Never kiss or embrace a person outside of these exceptions, no matter how old friends they may be. No lady would allow you such a privilege, and if she should so far forget her standing as to permit the act, you would be rude, exceedingly so, and no gentleman, to take advantage of her forgetfulness. Never, on any account, kiss or embrace the persons, as stated above, in a public place,—it is common. No one knows your relationship, and no one the length of time of separation; besides, the act of kissing is very undignified and ungraceful. Of course these rules only apply to gentlemen; they are not enforceable in respect to ladies, as the feminine sex is supposed to be more demonstrative. Familiarity, though allowed, breeds contempt by degrees.
4. Familiarity is a subject upon which the majority of society men can discourse fluently, so practised are they in the art. In fact, society is infected with this disease. It reigns on all occasions, be they private or public. It is found in the most aristocratic circles, as in those of less refinement. Why should this continue? It should not. Both ladies and gentlemen use it; but of gentlemen, alone, I now speak. Freedom of speech and freedom of manner constitute the general heads of familiarity. (a) Freedom of manner has been partly defined under the heads of kissing and embracing. Do not on any account allow of any rude actions on your part; always keep a polite distance from a lady, and do not, if you take her hand, retain too long a hold thereof, or press it with your own; in fact, never touch a lady unless she is related to you, under the heads set forth in Section 3, Personal Actions, unless it becomes absolutely necessary; then do it in the most polite manner possible. (b) Freedom of speech is the most important head of familiarity, and includes many classes of rudeness. Do not be impertinent in your remarks to ladies, ask no personal questions, do away with rude speech; seek not to impart to her that which she should not know, or tries to turn a deaf ear to. Improper remarks are poison from the tongue, and tend to ruin your reputation in her estimation, as a gentleman, sooner or later. It is no excuse if she tolerates your advances or not,—a gentleman is a gentleman, and should remain so. Not only is this rule applicable to acquaintances, but it should be strictly observed in your own family. Your sisters should be as acquaintances as respects your behavior, and your mother and father should command respect in your every word or action.
5. A gentleman, because he is married, should not suppose himself fitted for the position of chaperon on occasions where it is necessary to leave the city, or it is an evening affair; on the contrary, it is his duty to refuse acceptance of such a position, unless himself and wife act as the chaperons. If single, he should never offer his services as chaperon. He may be such in the daytime, within the city, acting as a guide or protector of his companion; but this is a very weak form of chaperonage compared to that customary in society, which form generally concerns only evening or out-of-town events, when a stricter rule is applied, under the conditions of which a gentleman can never be a chaperon. It must be remembered that though guide and protector are the true meanings of the word chaperon, yet, as far as a gentleman can exercise that right, he can be no more than an escort.
6. A gentleman should shake hands as seldom as possible. On introduction and at parting should be the chief occasions for the act. This rule refers only to your own sex. With ladies it is far stricter. You should not shake hands on introduction to ladies, nor at parting; but at the next meeting, or subsequent ones, if they appear desirous of such a cordial greeting, grasp their hand, for it is at the option of a lady whether or not the hands should come in contact with each other; but never shake at parting. When taking a lady’s hand, grasp it firmly, but gently, just sufficient pressure to convey the feeling of cordiality, nothing more, and raising her hand to the height of her waist, shake it gently two or three times, then release it; never hold it while speaking, and do not attempt that awkward, lately originated style of raising the hands above the face, with the fingers twisted out of shape; it is clumsy, decidedly ridiculous in appearance, and very uncomfortable for the lady.
7. Never kiss a lady’s hand when in public, and never privately, unless engaged or very much attached to her, and not then unless she is willing to undergo the torture.
Do not, as in hand-kissing, throw kisses to a person in public, and not at all unless under the conditions stated above.
8. When engaged a gentleman should devote all his spare moments to his fiancée. He should compel himself to forsake other ladies’ society, allowing himself to be thrown therein only when accompanying his intended to entertainments or dances, and then should control himself, so as to give no cause of jealousy by his actions or apparent interest in others of the fair sex. He should give all presents to her, take her to all the entertainments and dances, and, in fact, let her find him always devotion in everything. Clubs should be partially or wholly neglected for her. Even under the circumstances, familiarity should be guardedly exercised, especially with her family.
9. Introductions are the most important of any of the numerous acts of society, constituting a custom established by long and frequent usage. It is easy to introduce, no matter how or in what manner it is done, and ninety-nine per cent. of introductions are either improperly conducted or a mere mention of names. To constitute a proper introduction there must be three requisites, viz.: Sufficient language to imply an introduction, an objective name and a subjective name each distinctly pronounced. That is to say: the object is the person to whom the subject is presented; second, the subject of the introduction is the one whom you present. You must pronounce both names distinctly. First, be sure that both are aware of your intention and secure of each other’s attention, then proceed by saying: (Ex.) “Miss Smith [object], please allow me to present Mr. Brown [subject].” This is all, and it is as simple as can be; yet people will mumble and stammer and stumble through an introduction as if it were the most difficult of performances. If the object or subject of an introduction is a sister, brother, or parent, do not say, as many do—Miss Smith, my brother, or my sister, naming the relation only; but say always—Miss Smith, my brother, Mr. Brown. This rule is in view of the fact that the introducer’s name is not always familiar to the object. Never mention the name of the subject first. When introducing extend the right or left hand as a gesture towards the person whom you are introducing.
It is important to make introductions carefully and at the proper time. Do not suffer a person with whom you are acquainted to remain in your own party without introducing him to every member of that party. When talking to a person, and joined by a third, immediately introduce. The rules of introduction should be strictly observed in regard to ladies. As much as possible avoid introducing on the street, and when doing so do not stop the objective persons, but join them as explained in Section 4, Actions Outdoors, whether lady or gentleman, and present the subject while walking. Do not introduce to young ladies under age without the chaperon’s or guardian’s consent, and ladies of age without their approval having first been received. Do not present or attempt to present a man of whose character or reputation you are doubtful; for thousands of serious results have been thus occasioned.
