XXXIII—MOBILIZING
This is the speech that Harry made to his troops, because my sister made him write it out for me, because she said it would go down in history. Brent Gaylong said he hoped if it went down it would never come up again. Last term I passed seventy-two in history, but, gee, I hate dates—I don’t mean the kind you eat.
This is the speech that Harry made. He said:
My brave soldiers:
Lieutenant Harris will please take the candy out of his mouth and listen.
“I don’t listen with my mouth,” Pee-wee shouted.
“Well then, close it,” I told him, “and listen to your superior officer.”
Harry said:
We are outside the Parade Ground of Grumpy’s Cross-roads. We are here to demand an unconditional surrender. A courier will go within under the protection of a white flag.
“I’ll go, I’ve got some popcorn; that’s white,” Pee-wee yelled.
If Major Grumpy refuses our terms, then we will storm his stronghold with every peanut that we hold. We shall demand indemnity.
“Demand the territory where the lemonade counter is,” Pee-wee shouted.
Then everybody began hooting and yelling, and Brent stood up in those crazy old rags and began flapping his sleeves to keep us quiet and the old veterans shook—kind of like a Ford car.
Then Harry read us a note that he said should be delivered to Major Grumpy in person.
“I’ll deliver it,” Pee-wee shouted; “I want to get a frankfurter, anyway.”
This was the note:
Major Grumpy, Commanding Officer,
Veterans’ Reunion:
You are hereby informed that the allied forces, consisting of Boy Scouts, Civil War Veterans, scarecrows, and scout reinforcements from your own town, offer you the choice of unconditional surrender or complete extinction. As hostages we hold Uncle Tom’s Cabin troupe scheduled to appear at your reunion. Ten minutes will be given for an answer. We shall advance against your stronghold immediately.
One of the veterans said it would be better to say, “I purpose to move immediately against your works,” because those were the very same words that General Grant used. So Harry put it that way.
Then he said, “Let us have peace,” because that was what General Grant said, too. Pee-wee thought he said, “Let’s have a piece,” so he chucked a licorice jaw-breaker up and it struck Harry, kerplunk, on the face.
That was the beginning of hostilities.
Pee-wee fired the first shot.