Scene I—ACRES' Lodgings. [ACRES and DAVID.]
DAVID
Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing—ne'er a Sir Lucius
O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded.
Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?
ACRES Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius!—Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour.
DAVID Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em.
ACRES
But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.
DAVID Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me.
ACRES
Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour!
DAVID I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman.—Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant.—Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;) well—my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.—So—we fight. (Pleasant enough that!) Boh!—I kill him—(the more's my luck!) now, pray who gets the profit of it?—Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me!—by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.
ACRES No, David—in that case!—odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave.
DAVID
Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it.
ACRES
Zounds! David, you are a coward!—It doesn't become my valour to listen
to you.—What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?—Think of that,
David—think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!
DAVID Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in such haste—with an ounce of lead in your brains—I should think might as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.
ACRES But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great danger, hey?—Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done!
DAVID By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!—Oons! here to meet some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols!—Lord bless us! it makes me tremble to think o't—Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I never could abide 'em!—from a child I never could fancy 'em!—I suppose there an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol!
ACRES
Zounds! I won't be afraid!—Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me
afraid.—Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack
Absolute to carry it for me.
DAVID Ay, i' the name of mischief, let him be the messenger.—For my part I wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the mass! it don't look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a designing and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of gunpowder like a soldier's pouch!—Oons! I wouldn't swear it mayn't go off!
ACRES
Out, you poltroon! you ha'n't the valour of a grasshopper.
DAVID Well, I say no more—'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but I ha' done.—How Phillis will howl when she hears of it!—Ay, poor bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.]
ACRES It won't do, David—I am determined to fight—so get along you coward, while I'm in the mind.
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT
Captain Absolute, sir.
ACRES
Oh! show him up.
[Exit SERVANT.]
DAVID
Well, Heaven send we be all alive this time to-morrow.
ACRES
What's that?—Don't provoke me, David!
DAVID
Good-bye, master. [Whimpering.]
ACRES
Get along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven!
[Exit DAVID.]
[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
ABSOLUTE
What's the matter, Bob?
ACRES A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn't the valour of St. George and the dragon to boot——
ABSOLUTE
But what did you want with me, Bob?
ACRES
Oh!—There—— [Gives him the challenge.]
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] To Ensign Beverley.—So, what's going on now?—[Aloud.] Well, what's this?
ACRES
A challenge!
ABSOLUTE
Indeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob?
ACRES Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me full of rage—and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion mayn't be wasted.
ABSOLUTE
But what have I to do with this?
ACRES Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.
ABSOLUTE
Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it.
ACRES Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great deal of trouble.
ABSOLUTE
Not in the least—I beg you won't mention it.—No trouble in the world,
I assure you.
ACRES You are very kind.—What it is to have a friend!—You couldn't be my second, could you, Jack?
ABSOLUTE
Why no, Bob—not in this affair—it would not be quite so proper.
ACRES Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good wishes, however, Jack?
ABSOLUTE
Whenever he meets you, believe me.
[Re-enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT
Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.
ABSOLUTE
I'll come instantly.——
[Exit SERVANT.]
Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going.]
ACRES
——Stay—stay, Jack.—If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man
your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow—will you,
Jack?
ABSOLUTE
To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog—hey, Bob!
ACRES Ah, do, do—and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?
ABSOLUTE
I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.
ACRES Right—right—'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take his life if I clear my honour.
ABSOLUTE
No!—that's very kind of you.
ACRES
Why, you don't wish me to kill him—do you, Jack?
ABSOLUTE
No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going.]
ACRES True, true—but stay—stay, Jack—you may add, that you never saw me in such a rage before—a most devouring rage!
ABSOLUTE
I will, I will.
ACRES
Remember, Jack—a determined dog!
ABSOLUTE
Ay, ay, Fighting Bob!
[Exeunt severally.]
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