The Rivals: A Comedy

by Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Scene II—Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. [Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou perverse one!—tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a handsome man?—tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

LYDIA
[Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising!—[Aloud.] So is
Beverley, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

LYDIA
[Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

Mrs. MALAPROP Then he's so well bred;—so full of alacrity, and adulation!—and has so much to say for himself:—in such good language, too! His physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest, when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:— "Hesperian curls—the front of Job himself!— An eye, like March, to threaten at command!— A station, like Harry Mercury, new——" Something about kissing—on a hill—however, the similitude struck me directly.

LYDIA [Aside.] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her mistake!

[Enter SERVANT.]

SERVANT
Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Show them up here.——

[Exit SERVANT.]

Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

LYDIA Madam, I have told you my resolution!—I shall not only give him no encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting beauty,—and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow.—I don't know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have given me the slip.

Mrs. MALAPROP You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the cause!—[Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!—pay your respects!

Sir ANTHONY I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance.—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] What the devil shall I do!—[Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see, sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! [Seems to expostulate with his father.]

LYDIA [Aside.] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't have looked at him!—perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is something blind.

Sir ANTHONY
I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!

Mrs. MALAPROP I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small.—[Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!

Sir ANTHONY May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of dislike she can have to my son!—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why don't you begin, Jack?—Speak, you puppy—speak!

Mrs. MALAPROP It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she has.—[Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?

Sir ANTHONY Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no bar to Jack's happiness.—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! sirrah! why don't you speak?

LYDIA [Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as myself.—How strangely blind my aunt must be!

ABSOLUTE Hem! hem! madam—hem!—[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded!—and—so—so—confused!—I told you I should be so, sir—I knew it.—The—the—tremor of my passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir ANTHONY But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it?—Go up, and speak to her directly!

[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?—[Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you stubborn little vixen!

Sir ANTHONY Not yet, ma'am, not yet!—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or——

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!—I must disguise my voice.—[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not——

Sir ANTHONY What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?—not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

ABSOLUTE
The—the—excess of my awe, and my—my—my modesty, quite choke me!

Sir ANTHONY Ah! your modesty again!—I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage!—Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a side-front.

[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all will out, I see!—[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

LYDIA
[Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on
Sir Anthony too!—[Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this
possible!—my Beverley!—how can this be?—my Beverley?

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir ANTHONY Beverley!—the devil—Beverley!—What can the girl mean?—this is my son, Jack Absolute.

Mrs. MALAPROP For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes!—beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.

LYDIA
I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the girl's mad!—her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs. MALAPROP O' my conscience, I believe so!—What do you mean by Beverley, hussy?—You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is—your husband that shall be.

LYDIA
With all my soul, ma'am—when I refuse my Beverley——

Sir ANTHONY Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam!—or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's trick!—Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect.

Sir ANTHONY Are you my son or not?—answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect!——

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me!—[Aloud.] Sir Anthony, most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown.—Mrs. Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate nephew.—I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated character.

LYDIA
[Sullenly.] So!—there will be no elopement after all!

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice,
I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

ABSOLUTE Oh, you flatter me, sir—you compliment—'tis my modesty, you know, sir,—my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir ANTHONY Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended to be, however!—I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you dog—I am. So this was your penitence, your duty and obedience!—I thought it was damned sudden!—You never heard their names before, not you!—what, the Languishes of Worcestershire, hey?—if you could please me in the affair it was all you desired!—Ah! you dissembling villain!—What!—[Pointing to Lydia] She squints, don't she?—a little red-haired girl!—hey?—Why, you hypocritical young rascal!—I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your head!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis with difficulty, sir.—I am confused—very much confused, as you must perceive.

Mrs. MALAPROP O Lud! Sir Anthony!—a new light breaks in upon me!—hey!—how! what! captain, did you write the letters then?—What—am I to thank you for the elegant compilation of an old weather-beaten she-dragon—hey!—O mercy!—was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

ABSOLUTE Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist me—I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir ANTHONY Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;—odds life! matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. Malaprop!

Mrs. MALAPROP Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the past!—so mind, young people—our retrospection will be all to the future.

Sir ANTHONY Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into each other's arms, I warrant!—Jack—isn't the cheek as I said, hey?— and the eye, you rogue!—and the lip—hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll not disturb their tenderness—theirs is the time of life for happiness!—Youth's the season made for joy—[Sings.]—hey!—Odds life! I'm in such spirits,—I don't know what I could not do!—Permit me, ma'am—[Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP.] Tol-de-rol—'gad, I should like to have a little fooling myself—Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP.—LYDIA sits sullenly in her chair.]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good.—[Aloud.] So grave, Lydia!

LYDIA
Sir!

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So!—egad! I thought as much!—that damned monosyllable has froze me!—[Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our friends' consent, as in our mutual vows——

LYDIA
[Peevishly.] Friends' consent indeed!

ABSOLUTE Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance—a little wealth and comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers shall make such settlements as——

LYDIA
Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

ABSOLUTE Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly procure the licence, and——

LYDIA
The licence!—I hate licence!

ABSOLUTE
Oh my love! be not so unkind!—thus let me entreat—— [Kneeling.]

LYDIA
Psha!—what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

ABSOLUTE [Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your inclinations, I promise you.—If I have lost your heart—I resign the rest—[Aside.] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do.

LYDIA [Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of fraud.—What, you have been treating me like a child!—humouring my romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!

ABSOLUTE
You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me—only hear——

LYDIA So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all—behold my hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and approbation—and I am myself the only dupe at last!—[Walking about in a heat.] But here, sir, here is the picture—Beverley's picture! [taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day, in spite of threats and entreaties!—There, sir [Flings it to him.]; and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily.

ABSOLUTE Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that.—Here [taking out a picture], here is Miss Lydia Languish.—What a difference!—ay, there is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my hopes!—those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have checked the ardour of my thanks!—Well, all that's past!—all over indeed!—There, madam—in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is such—that—I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up again.]

LYDIA [Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir—I, I, I suppose you are perfectly satisfied.

ABSOLUTE O, most certainly—sure, now, this is much better than being in love!—ha! ha! ha!—there's some spirit in this!—What signifies breaking some scores of solemn promises:—all that's of no consequence, you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own mind—but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her—but don't let that fret you.

LYDIA
There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears.]

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

LYDIA
This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate!
[Sobbing.]

Sir ANTHONY What the devil's the matter now?—Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the oddest billing and cooing I ever heard!—but what the deuce is the meaning of it?—I am quite astonished!

ABSOLUTE
Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs. MALAPROP O mercy!—I'm quite analyzed, for my part!—Why, Lydia, what is the reason of this?

LYDIA
Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy!—Why, Jack, you are not come out to be any one else, are you?

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there?—you are not like Cerberus, three gentlemen at once, are you?

ABSOLUTE You'll not let me speak—I say the lady can account for this much much better than I can.

LYDIA Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again—there is the man—I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for ever. [Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is—why, sure, captain, you haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece.

Sir ANTHONY Ha! ha! ha!—ha! ha! ha!—now I see it. Ha! ha! ha!—now I see it—you have been too lively, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word——

Sir ANTHONY
Come, no lying, Jack—I'm sure 'twas so.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O Lud! Sir Anthony!—O fy, captain!

ABSOLUTE
Upon my soul, ma'am——

Sir ANTHONY Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before you:—the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient.—Ha! ha! ha! poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.

ABSOLUTE
By all that's good, sir——

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! say no more, I tell you—Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace. You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop:—you must tell her 'tis Jack's way—tell her 'tis all our ways—it runs in the blood of our family! Come away, Jack—Ha! ha! ha!—Mrs. Malaprop—a young villain! [Pushing him out.]

Mrs. MALAPROP
O! Sir Anthony!—O fy, captain!

[Exeunt severally.]

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