CHAP. XII.
How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a Trapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of their wicked lives and Conversations.
Being full fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the chief we ranked Brothel-houses, which were our Repositories. We seldom were seen in the Streets by day, for fear of discovery; confining our selves close Prisoners to some Bubbing-house; at night (like such as closely delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak chanced to tangle in the spokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning, my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now conferred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel, which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily unbuttoned my Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coachman stop, thinking I should have it at last; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, Hold Coachman. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering me my Cloak, he told me, I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my attendance on him: And said moreover, That my Cloak would not look like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip, lashed me well-favouredly. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes confer a blow or two on their sleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but we had worse success with this than the former. We practised this foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served. It was thus: In Paternoster-row, we found a fellow at noddie upon a stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him; having first seized on that, and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon him, and beating him. As soon as we had done this manful act, we betook our selves to flight; but here we mistook our mark, thinking him to be an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little use of his eyes, without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the grand Round, who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown that care: we had not been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the constant flourishes of their discourse; calling for drink was the Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Harmony. Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to. Being in their company, I thought myself in the Suburbs, or on the confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be entertained as a Companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self with them, that I protest, the leudness of their Actions were so represented to me with such deformity, that I knew not which I loathed most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like soul-infecting & destroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates thereof standing always wide open; so this refuseth the reception of none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations, imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den of Deceivers, a Forest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping, another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him; another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a military man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the Trophies of his Victory.
It is, to speak most properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.
It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in six months, than at twenty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies, or Bawdy-houses; and an old man more policy, than if he had been Pupil to Machiavel.
This Place hath more diseases predominant in it than the Pest-house in a Plague-time; and stinks worse than my Lord Mayors Dog-house.
It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there; it is a desart, where desert lies hood-winkt.
The Place is as intricate as Rosamond’s Labyrinth, and is so full of Meanders and Crooked turnings, that it is impossible to find the way out, except he be directed by a Silver Clue; and can never overcome the Minotaur, without a Golden-ball to work his own safety. The next day, paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from the Justice, we were discharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more cautious, but as soon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to mother Cr. formerly famous for the Good Citizens Wives that frequented her house; who still rides Admiral of all the rest of her function about the Town. I hope the next time I go to visit her, she will not get me clapt for the pains I take in praising her. The truth of it is, of all the Bawds I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the accommodation of the best. As for her walking Utensils, they are composed of refined mettal, always neatly kept; which, because they are not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of Silks in sundry places; I conceive it was their policy, by seeming modesty to set a sharper edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a large handsome Room; bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and French, with salt meats to relish the Palate, though we gave no order for them; but it seems it was the Custom of the house, a chargeable one: but without a Piece spending, you shall know little of their practices. At length, up came the old Matron; after the performance of our Devoir, she seats her self by me, and began to be impudently acquainted, chucking me under the chin, calling me her Son Smock-face. Having well warmed our selves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that our bloods began to heat, Well, said she, I guess at the intent of your coming hither, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will have its course; and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like, flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances that ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure; shew then what stock ye came of. If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we’ll have more Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler. With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed very well pleased: handsome she was, and very proportionable; but withal so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery. Ista fœmina quæ limites verecundiæ semel excesserit, oportet illam esse graviter impudentem. If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac’dness, she will seldome stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence. I must needs deal ingeniously, at the beginning the Needle of my Microcosm was toucht by Loves Loadstone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might have had a hundred pounds, I could not have meddled with her.
Though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute countenances and enticements, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion for an Hospital, and stood more in need of a Chyrurgions acquaintance than mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait; but when I heard them capitulating about the price, I thought she wanted a Fee for the Doctor. Well, had she not over-traded, she had not broke so soon; for her trade is opposite to all others: for she did set up without credit, and her too much custome undid her; and so let her go, without either shame, or hope of repentance.
We desired to see another: ’Tis variety that Man chiefly takes delight in: One constant sort of Food, without participating of any other, though Manna, will cause the stomack to long for the Flesh-pots: Neither can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of diverse persons then one alone, provided Matrimony make not the act Legitimate. I do not approve of these consequent lines tending to this purpose; yet give me leave to insert them, that you may understand how viciously minded some are in this frothy age.
Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,
Is he that loves one single Whore;
Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,
Ty’d to one Mistress, and no more.
This nauseating thing being removed, up came one of Venus her chief Darlings; excellent Flesh! and the her self the Cook that drest it, spending most of her day-time about it, that she might with the better appetite be tasted at night. Finding no exceptions in this, I was impatient till I had consummated my desires: withdrawing into another room, to heighten my thoughts, she declared to me her birth and Education; that as the one was well extracted, the other had occasioned much cost and expence. That for her part, she associated with none but persons of quality, whose long patience and intreatments first procured a familiarity, and in fine, freedom in the exercise of love-affairs: and so would have (seemingly) put me off upon this score, that it was not usual for her to admit of any to her imbraces, but such whose long acquaintance had gained her affection. I offered her a Crown, which she refused with indignation; telling me, that she was not yet reduced to so low a condition, as to become so poor a Mercenary Prostitute. At last, with much perswasion, I fastned on her an half piece; and so striving with her, (she onely seeming averse) I accomplisht my ends. And presently in came a fellow, whose very face would have enlightned the room, though in the darkest night; for indeed it appeared to me a blazing Comet, and his Nose (for miraculously he had preserved it) was the brushy Tail. Laying his hand on his sword, he looked fiercer then a Spanish Don insulting over an Indian Slave. The bulk of his body began to heave like an Earth-quake, whilst his mouth, Ætna-like, belcht out all manner of Sulphurous Oaths, which roared so loud, as if his belly had contained a barrel of Gun-powder, and the Linstock of his Nose had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was, How darest thou, Son of a Whore, presume in this nature to dishonour me, in the abusing of my Wife, without the expectation of an immediate annihilation or dissipation into Atomes? But I have something here shall tame thy insolence; and now I am resolved to set thy blood abroach. With that he seemed to make a pass at me: Now I, imagining that he really intended to do what he pretended, for the safeguard of my Life, I took up a Joynt-stool, and received his point in the seat; and following it home, tumbled him down the stairs; and not being able to recover my self, fell with him. My Comrade came running down at the noise to assist me; but he seeing me rather make use of my heels then hands, followed my example, and so built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to condole her great loss; for the Reckoning was very considerable.
Now because I have often met with these Hectors or Trepanning Villains, I think it will not be unsuitable to this present Discourse, to insert their Character.
The
CHARACTER
OF
An HECTOR or TRAPAN.
A Bawdy-house is his Cloyster, where he constantly says his Mattins. He is an Whores Protector, pretending himself more valiant then any of the antient Heroes, thereby thinking to take off the suspition of a Coward from himself: For the opinion of Valour, is a good protection to those that dare not use it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any slight occasion, makes the ignorant suppose him Valiant; whereas he durst not do it, but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon. He never strikes any, but such he is sure will not return his blows. In Company he is wonderful exceptious and cholerick, thinking in the fray some booty may be obtained: but his wrath never swells higher then when men are loth to give him any occasion: but the onely way to pacifie him, is to beat him soundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, protesting he always honoured you. The more you abuse him, the more he seems to love you: if he chance to be quarrelsome, you may threaten him into a quiet temper. Every man is his Master that dares beat him; and every one dares that knows him; and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purposely fall out with him, to get Courtesies from him, and so be bribed into a reconcilement. Yet I cannot say but that he may fight, (if with great advantage) being so accustomed to the sight of drawn Swords, which probably may infuse something of a conceit into him; which he so magnifies by his own good opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his Prowess is no less then a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no Niggard in displaying; resembling some Apothecaries Shops, full of Pots, though little contained in them. His Estate lies in Contrivancies; and though other Landlords have but four Quarter-days, he hath three hundred sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems. He is well skilled in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly come to Town; and the reason he usually gives for it, is, A Woodcock must be pluckt ere he be drest. If that will not do, he carries him to one of his Mistresses, and so both joyn to plume this Fowl: if there be not ready money to answer expectation, a Bond of considerable value shall serve turn, attested by two shall swear any thing for half a Crown. No man puts his brain to more use then he; for his life is a daily invention, and each meal a meer stratagem. He hath an excellent memory for his acquaintance; if there ever past but an How do you? between him and another, it shall serve seven years hence for an embrace, and that for money. Out of his abundance of joy to see you, he offers a pottle of Wine; and in requital of his kindness, can do no less then make you pay for it: whilst you are drawing money, he fumbles in his pockets, (as School-boys with their points, being about to be whipt) till the Reckoning be paid, and says, It must not be so, yet is easily perswaded to it; and then cries, Gentlemen, you force me to incivility. When his Whores cannot supply him, he borrows of any that will lend him ought; of this man a shilling, and of another as much; which some lend him, not out of hope to be repayed, but that he will never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will haunt him so long, till he force a good nature to the necessity of a quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak that hath but one, and knows not how to get another; he will be sure to wear him thread-bare ere he forsake him. Men shun him at last as infection; nay, his old Companions, his Cloaths that have hung upon him so long, at length fall off to. His prayer in the morning is, That his Cheats may take effect that day; if not, that he may be drunk before night. He sleeps with a Tobacco-pipe in his mouth, and he dreams of nothing but Villany. If any mischief escapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a serious thought, lest he hang himself; but if such melancholy seize him, the Drink is his refuge, and Drunkenness cures him. Lastly, he commonly dies like a Malefactor on the Gallows, or like Hercules with fire in his bones. When hanged, if begged for an Anatomy, it would serve to convert Tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof: for they will find the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furred and choakt up.
Being freed from danger, we rejoyced exceedingly that we thus so narrowly escaped, resolving to house our selves in the next Bubbing-place we came to, that we might talk freely of this rencounter. A place (pointed out to us by the Devils Finger) soon presented it self to our Eyes, which we with more than good speed entered; and coming into the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting in a Chair by the fire-side, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a Quartern of Strong-waters by its side. This Tun of Flesh resembled an Elephant for the bignesse of her Waste, had there been the least appearance of a Tooth: A Nose she had (which with all wonder be it spoken that she had any) so long, as that it was a fit resemblance of the Elephants Proboscis or Trunk. But, as I said before, her Teeth were faln out; and as loving Neighbours to reconcile them, her Chin and Nose resolved to meet about it. She bids us Welcome as well as she could speak. Go, I think she could not; but opening her mouth, Lord, what strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me! Me thought I saw Hell gaping to devour me; and within that bottomless Concave, I could discern infinite numbers of Souls whose damnation she was accessory to; and coming somewhat too near her, I imagined her breath was bituminous, and smelt of Brimstone. She might fitly be compared to old-Coal that hath been well burnt, that with the least spark will re-kindle, and fire any thing near it. But her fittest likeness is the Devil, her Envy running parallel with his. All that the Devil endeavours, is to bring Mankind into the same state with himself; and a Bawds aim is to make all fair women like her: now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so soon, she hurries them on to it by degrees, by drinking, smoaking, painting, and dayly excess in venery. I lookt about her house very inquisitively, but I could not judge her Moveables (setting aside her quick Cattle) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is infectious, few coming near it, but they are presently taken with a fit of the falling-sickness. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whistle, on which she used several Notes; which Musical language her Girls understood very well. We called for drink; the old Bawd replyed she would send for some, though she had it not in the house: this was to be sure of our Moneys. Herein I observed their temperance, not suffering us to have too much measure. Wenches we had plentifully; one more especially I took notice of, to have the Swartheist skin I have seen English born, on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet. When I saw my opportunity, I askt him, craving his excuse) What Trade he was? Pat as I would have it, he answered me, That he was a Tanner. I concluded so, Sir, (said I) by your dressing of that Calf’s-skin there. This Dull-headed fool apprehended me not, but began to be angry, telling me, His Trade was a good Trade, and I need not undervalue it. I told him, I did not, since there was some analogy between my Trade and his. Why what Trade are you? (said he,) (I may ask you a question, as well as you me.) I replyed, That I was a Cuckold-maker. How can that be like my Profession? quoth he. In this, said I, You dress the skins, and I trim the Horns. The Bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of laughter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-waters that she had swallowed: but that was not all, for having not her retentive faculty, she let flie: surely she was overcharged, which made her recoyl, and so blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and about an hour after returned; how sweet, I cannot tell you. We fell into discourse again: I askt her, How long she had liv’d in this house? Two years (said she) a longer time then any house I have lived in this twenty years: with that I concluded she was in fee with the Justices Clerk. My stomach being waterish, I would needs have some Eggs and Bacon: but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in! desiring me to desist, for she should die at the sight of them. I askt her the reason: O, said she, it puts me in mind of one Shrove-tuesday especially, on which the Apprentices pulled down my house; and sick, sick as I was, pulled me away violently from a Caudle I had prepared to comfort me: But they gave me one with a Pox to them, and the Devils Dam take the Rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they would have pelted out my brains, after they had dragged me sufficiently, and worried me (as a Mastiff would a Cat) till they were weary of the sport: fearing I should catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in a Bogg-house. But the worst was, after this kind usage, I was to go through a long street before I could come to an acquaintance of mine wherein I could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these Hell-hounds. All along as I went, a thousand Dogs barkt at me, the street was filled with people looking and laughing at my sad disaster, but none daring to come near me. They say I left so strong a scent behind me, that several of the Inhabitants left their dwellings upon it, and that the strong savour remained in that place above six days. I seemed to pitty her much, promising to visit her often; and so we left her.
