CHAPTER 8
THE JOURNEY TOWARD THE SNIFFER NATION
"As I see it," said Lisa as they traveled along, "there is at least one major difference between the problems in the Sniffer Nation and the problems of Chilepepperland. The Chilepeppers, so far as I can determine, are different from one another only in their viewpoints. Some may have had a better education than others, but all were born essentially equal. On the other hand, even if they were born equal, the Sniffer citizens have a real physical reason for their disagreement with the Stinkfoots. If you will forgive my saying so, I cannot believe that either group is necessarily better or more important than the other. It's just that they are physically unable to co-exist."
"As much as it pains me to say it," replied the Sniffer citizen, "I have to agree. After all, the Stinkfoot people used to get along fine with my people, so long as we kept our distance from one another. Now that the Stinkfoots are infringing on our territory, we are forced to take action against them despite our former friendship. But there simply is no alternative. They are taking away our homeland, and pushing us away. There is no other option but to push them back."
"It is a real problem when one specie overcrowds its territory," added Hootsey. "It must pave away all other life forms to further supply its own needs."
"But no one has the right to crowd out what Nature has already established," said Elephant. "Just imagine the chaos it would create if, say, the human race were to become so plentiful that it was leveling rain forests and wiping out all other forms of life to make room for itself."
"That would be terrible," agreed Hootsey. "And it is exactly what the Stinkfoots are doing. Once they have pushed the Sniffers into either isolation or extinction, they may continue to outgrow the territory they occupy and move into other regions where they will do even more damage."
"They have to be stopped at any cost," said the Sniffer man.
"No," said Ozma. "Not at any cost. Even though they are doing bad, they are still counted among my subjects. They are not enemies to Oz, and I will not have them entirely devastated. Our plan has to be fair to both sides, not just one. As we have said, neither side is better than the other. You yourself agreed. We can't allow either race to be lost in favor of the other. That would upset the balance of Nature."
"But how else can we stop them from expanding to wherever they like?" asked the Sniffer citizen.
"There has to be a fair way to settle the dispute," replied the little
Queen. "And it is up to us to find it."
"What if we forbade them from eating any more stinkweeds?" suggested Nibbles. "That way, they wouldn't smell so bad, and the Sniffers would have no further trouble with them. Also, they would no longer need to be living in an area that would help the stinkweeds grow."
"You heard the letter," answered Lisa. "They won't agree to that. They like the smell that they get from the weeds, and they believe it will prevent anyone attacking them. They would never go along with that plan."
"We're almost there" sighed the Sniffer citizen. "But we are no closer to an agreement. What can we do?"
"I intend to speak with your President," replied Ozma. "And I will also meet with the Stinkfoot President."
Ozma and the Lunechien party of five was greeted at the border of the Sniffer Nation by President Humongous Schnozzle himself. Indeed, he must have had the largest nose that Ozma had ever seen. It was longer than that of Elephant! "Probisquous!" he said joyfully. "You're back! And you have brought an army with you!"
"Hello, Mr. President," said the Sniffer messenger. "This is Queen Ozma of Oz and with her are Elephant, Lisa, Hootsey, Tweaty and Nibbles from the Lunechien Forest of Oz. I have told them of our plight, and they have come to try and help."
"And not a moment too soon," said President Schnozzle. "The Stinkfoots have sent me another letter. This time, they are threatening to burn down our village if we do not surrender immediately, I hope that your small army is prepared to stand up to them."
"I did not come to fight," said Ozma with a firmness that surprised even her. "I want to see the two sides come to an arrangement. If that is not possible, we may then have to resort to stronger measures."
"I'm afraid that the Stinkfoots are beyond reasoning," sighed President
Schnozzle. "The only recourse we have is to fight fire with fire."
Ozma could see that the Sniffer President was not going to deviate from his present frame of mind without a struggle. "I do understand your position and I sympathize with your feelings," she said. "However, before anyone does anything rash, I wish to speak to President McFoot."
"Then I suggest that you hold your nose," replied Schnozzle. "Otherwise, you'll be overwhelmed by the stench and probably pass out."
"I'll take that chance," said the little Queen. "Just give me an hour to talk to Mr. McFoot before you start any uprising."
"I will give you all the time you want," replied the Sniffer President. "At least, from my side. But if those stinkers start anything, you'd better believe that I will not sit doggo and let them destroy our homes."
"Fair enough," said Ozma. She then followed Probisquous to the edge of the Stinkfoot Nation. "I can't take you any further," he said. "My eyes are already starting to water. I hope you can handle the stinkiness from this point onward. It gets worse the closer you come to those guys."
Ozma thanked him and went on her way. Indeed, the smell was a potent one. She could see why it would ward off any potential attackers. She tried to hold her breath, but that was not something she could do indefinitely. She tried holding her nose and breathing with her mouth, but that was hardly a dignified pose for the Queen of all Oz. When the stench became absolutely unbearable, she found herself face to face with a little boy who sported the tiniest nose she could have imagined. It was about the same size as that of a ladybug. His feet, on the other hand, were enormous. "Who are you?" asked the lad.
"I amb Queen Ozba of Oz," she said with some difficulty. "I amb here to visit with President Stinky McFoot of the Stinkfoot Nation."
"I thought your nose was too small to make you a Sniffer," he said. "But it is sure a lot bigger than any Stinkfoot's. Hey, why are you holding it like that?"
"I'mb afraid that I'mb having a hard time dealing with the sbell of the stinkweeds," she explained, not wanting to hurt the boy's feelings by mentioning his feet, which Ozma felt certain were the real source of the offensive smell. She believed that it would be better to avoid any statement that might be taken as a gesture of insult.
"The stinkweeds?" replied the boy. "But they are delicious. They are our primary food."
This was not going very well, and the little Queen was already feeling nauseated by the stench. She would not be able to take much time explaining her situation before she became physically ill. This proposed a problem, as she had never known illness to exist in Oz. Still, it was a matter that would require a bit of research. "I bust see your President," she sniffled uneasily. "Can you take be to himb?"
"Of course," said the boy simply, taking a handful of the stinkweeds and eating it. "I can take you to his mansion, anyway. I don't know if he'll want to talk. He is preparing to fight the Sniffers for control of the fertile lands, and is very busy with that right now."
"That's just the thing," said Ozma. "I need to discuss that batter with himb."
"Well," said the boy, "you are the Queen. Follow me."
Ozma followed the lad as quickly as she could under the circumstances. The smell only grew more pungent with each step. It was overpowering. But she knew that she had to help the two rivals to come to an arrangement quickly, as the Forest Monster could be doing nearly anything at this point, and she was losing valuable time. She wished that she had sent the forest animals on to speak to the Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs without her, but she knew in her heart that such an act might well have endangered her new friends. If she were not with the animals, the Light Bulbs might well have attacked them. No, this was all she could do. She only hoped that she had not chosen the wrong skirmish to settle first.
When she came to the mansion of President Stinky McFoot, she saw that it was expansive. It was a good sixteen acres wide, and had more rooms than any one man could possibly make use of. She hurriedly knocked on the heavy oak door.
Her knock was answered by a Stinkfoot who was dressed as a butler.
"Yes?" he said to her.
"I amb Queen Ozba of Oz," she explained. "I amb here to speak to the
President."
"Queen Ozba of Oz?" replied the butler. "But you are just a child. How can you be the queen of anything? Except possibly a toy box."
"I amb Queen Ozba!" she said. "I amb serious! I bean it!"
"Okay," chuckled the Stinkfoot. "I'll play along for a moment. If you are the Queen of Oz, what is it you wish to speak to President McFoot about?"
"He is planning a war with the Sniffer Nation," said the Queen. "I want to try to find a better way for your people to solve your differences."
"That is very touching," laughed the butler. "But if you were really the Queen of Oz, you would surely know that the matter is already settled. The Sniffer-snuffers will have to let us have the land we need to survive, and that is all there is to it. Now, go home little girl. We have a lot to attend to, and there really isn't any time for your games."
"But I amb really the Queen!" objected she.
"Yes," said the butler, "and I am Charles Dickens. My wife is the Queen of England. Now do run along." He shut the door before Ozma had a chance to say anything more.
"This is not going at all as I planned," sighed Ozma. But the pungent odor was already more than she could take, and she knew that she must get to some fresh air immediately if she was to be of any practical use to either the Sniffers or the denizens of the Lunechien Forest. Dejectedly, she returned to the Sniffer Nation. She was gasping for air by the time she arrived there, and so she breathed in several lungfuls of the cleaner, purer stuff. It was a treat that she was grateful for.
"So what did Stinky McStink have to say?" President Schnozzle asked Ozma upon her return.
"I did not get in to see Mr. McFoot," said Ozma sourly. "But I sure did get a noseful of your immediate problem."
"Our immediate problem is the fact that a bunch of people with stinky-feet are planning to attack and burn our village to the ground. I am sorry, Your Majesty, but we are left with no other recourse but to go to war with them and destroy them all before they do it to us. Surely you can see that they are unreasonable and unkind and un-un—well, a bunch of other words that start with 'un.' We can't allow them to UN-ify us if we can help it, and we Sniffers are a proud people who will not give in without a fight!"
"President Schnozzle," sighed Ozma. "I am not trying to belittle you or your pride. I just don't think that resorting to violence is the way to deal with any situation. It only leads to misery for both sides."
"Not if we win," replied the President.
"In times of war," said Lisa, "there are no winners." The hoot-owl had stayed back with the four Lunechien animals at the Sniffer President's modest home, and was also a little disappointed at Ozma's failure to speak to the Stinkfoot leader. So much had been riding on this meeting.
But Ozma had not gotten in to see him, and the simple fact remained that they were no closer to a solution than they had been before.
"Maybe we need those Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs right here," suggested
Nibbles. "Then the Stinkfoots would be too scared to start a fight."
"I doubt it," reasoned President Schnozzle. "I'm not even sure that any Saber-Toothed Light Bulbs could handle the stinky smell of those buzzards."
"Maybe not," said Hootsey. "But it is an idea. What if we were to scare the Stinkfoots back into their own territory?"
"That may be possible," said Ozma. "It looked to me like they had no problem of overpopulation. It was really just their desire to grow more stinkweeds, and their incapability to do so in their soil."
"That's right!" said Lisa. "But no soil can go indefinitely growing the same crop. Anyone who lives in the forest knows that! And even the Munchkin farmers rotate their crops to keep their soil in balance."
"Rotate it?" scoffed the Sniffer President. "You mean like a phonograph record on a turntable?"
"No," replied Lisa. "I mean that if, say, a farmer plants carrots in his fields this year, he will plant something totally different next year. This way, the nutrients in the soil stay in balance and can be used to raise more carrots some other year. It's really very simple. It's kind of like replenishing with one crop what was diminutized by another."
"So you think that, if the Stinkfoots were to grow carrots instead of stinkweeds for a year, they could go back to stinkweeds next year?" said the President uncertainly.
"I'd say more than likely," agreed Lisa.
"But," put in Hootsey, "the Stinkfoots can't live without their stinkweed. Or they refuse to, in any event"
"Maybe we have a solution," grinned Ozma.
"But we don't," said Hootsey. "They will refuse to give up their stinkweeds. You know it's true."
"Not if they can have them," said Ozma. "Listen, President Schnozzle. What would you think of letting the Stinkfoots use your land to grow their food here this year, while the Sniffer farmers use the Stinkfoot Nation to grow anything that they want to eat? You can simply switch territories every year, and the rotation of crops will keep both of your soils fertile."
The Sniffer President sat down in a wooden chair. He was obviously deep in thought. "You know," he said after a time, "I think you have something there. If we can only state this plan to the Stinkfoots, I'm sure it would work. I am beginning to recall that even our own farmers have spoken about this rotation of crops on at least one occasion. And I'd bet that the stinkweeds would have made the soil over there ideal for our dietary staples!"
"More than likely!" said Lisa wisely.
"This is all very nice," said Elephant. "But how are we to propose this idea to a people who is as unwilling to listen as a deaf tree-stump?"
"We have got to gain an audience with President McIdiot—I mean, President McFoot. I suppose it does me no good to make fun of his foolishness."
"Not foolishness," said Nibbles. "Just lack of education. I didn't know until you guys just said so that rotation of crops was a good idea. Mr. McFoot just doesn't know about farming. He may be a very very wise man in a lot of other subjects."
"I think you're right," agreed President Schnozzle. "And I am sorry that I reacted so harshly to his actions, which I can now see that he did out of true concern and love for his subjects."
"In any situation," said Lisa, "it is always best to act, rather than to re-act. It makes you look a lot brighter."
"I wholeheartedly agree," said Elephant. "However, we still have to figure out a way to get McFoot into a position to speak to us."
"Yes," said Ozma, "that is true. If only we could lure him into a neutral place with a strong downwind, then we could …"
The little Queen's words were cut off as a sickening stench suddenly blew in from the open window. A booming voice cried out, "That is the home of Schtupidface Schnozzle! Torch the place!"
Schnozzle ran to the window and saw President McFoot in his military regalia, and he was backed up by several dozen Stinkfoots carrying torches.
"Oh, no!" moaned the Sniffer President. "We are too late!"
The entire party hurried out the door, but were too late to stop the offensive army from setting fire to the home of President Schnozzle.
"My home!" cried he. "My books! My teddy bear! My original Rembrandt!"
"Halt!" cried Ozma. "I am your Queen!"
"It's that silly little girl I told you about, Master," said a Stinkfoot that Ozma recognized as the man who had answered the door. "Ignore the little scamp and let's get on with our revolution!"
"Wait a minute!" shuddered President McFoot. "I have seen pictures of the Queen of Oz in the newspapers. The place no longer is run by that Scarecrow man. I think this child is telling the truth!"
The Stinkfoot soldiers suddenly stood at attention and saluted Ozma.
"Your Majesty," spoke the Stinkfoot President, "I am sorry to inform you that there is a war on. We have need of something that these Sniffers are not allowing us to have. Our survival depends on their annihilation."
"No," spoke Ozma. "It does not. My dear friends from the Lunechien Forest have determined the problems with your crops, and we have come to a solution." She quickly outlined the plan to rotate crops and territory.
"But the silly Sniff-heads have such a modest capitol building," sniffed President McFoot. "I would not want to live in that little old shack, not even for a day!"
"In case you've forgotten," said Elephant, "your troops have just burned up that little shack. I suggest that you put them to work rebuilding it in such a way that it will be pleasing to you both."
"If I go along with this idea," said the Stinkfoot leader, "will
Schnozface do the same?"
"I have already agreed to it," said President Schnozzle. "Though I must add that the whole place be fumigated before we trade back. If you don't bind, I'mb starting to feel a little queasy."
With the situation settled, Ozma felt very pleased that there had been no war. Still, there was the other matter to contend with. There may still have to be a war to defeat the Forest Monster that was terrorizing the Lunechien Forest. Of course, Ozma would have preferred that it be settled as well as this situation had been, but this Monster was obviously not going to be ready to listen to reason for at least a jillion years. By that time, there may be no one left in Oz to stop him.