How an Alcumister cousoned a priest.
Chaucer in one of his Canterbury tales, rehearseth this test of a cousoning Alcumist: espying on a day a coueteous priest, whose purse he knew to be well lyned: assaulted him with flattery and kinde speech, two principall points belonging to this art: at length he borrowed mony of this priest, which is the third part of this art, without the which the professors can doe no good, nor endure in good estate: then he at his day repayed the mony, which is the most difficult poynt in this art, and a rare experiment: finally to requite the priests curtesie, he promised vnto him such instructions, as therby within short time he should become infinitely rich, and all through this art of multiplication: and this is the most common point in this science, for heerein they must be skilfull before they be famous or attaine to any credit: the Preist disliked not his proffer, especially because it tended to his profit, and embraced his curtesie: then the foole-taker bad him send forthwith for three ounces of quicke-siluer, which hee said he would transubstantiate (by his art) into perfect siluer: the Priest thought nothing of deceit, but with great ioy accomplished his request.
And now forsooth goeth this iolly Alcumist about his busines, and worke of multiplication, and causeth the Priest to make a fire of coles, in the bottome whereof he placeth a croslet, and pretending onely to helpe the Priest to lay the coles handsomely, he foysteth into the middle ward or lane of coles, a beechen cole, within which was conueyed an ingot of perfect siluer, (which when the cole was consumed slipt down into the croslet, that was I say directly vnder it.) The Priest perceaued not the fraud, but receaued the ingot of siluer, and was not a little ioyfull to see such certen successe proceed from his own handy worke, wherein could be no fraud (as he surely conceaued) and therefore very dilligently gaue the knaue forty pounds, for the receit of this experiment, who for that summe of mony, taught him a lesson in Alcumistry, but he neuer returned to heare repetitions or to see how hee profited.
A merry tale how a cosoning Alcumist deceaued
a country Gentleman.
A Gentleman in Kent of good worth, not long sithence was ouertaken by a cosoning knaue, who professed Alcumistry, Iugling, Witch craft, and coniuration, and by meanes of his companions and confederates, found the simplicitie and abilitie of the said Gentleman, & learnt his estate and humors to be conuenient for his purpose, and at last came a wooing to his daughter, to whome hee made loue cunningly in words, though his purpose tended to another end: and among other illusions and tales, concerning his owne commendations, for wealth, parentage, inheritance, alliance, learning and cunning, be bosted of the knowledge and experience in Alcumistry, making the simple Gentleman beleeue that he could multiply, and of one Angell make two or three, which seemed strange to the Gentleman: insomuch as he became willing enough to see that conclusion: whereby the Alcumister had more hope and comfort to attaine his desire, then if his daughter had yeelded to haue married him: to bee short, he in the presence of the said Gentleman, did include within a little ball of virgins ware a couple of Angells, & after certaine ceremonies and coniuring words, he seemed to deliuer the same vnto him, but in truth, through Legerdemaine, he conueyed into the Gentlemans hand, another ball of the same scantling, wherein were inclosed many more Angells then were in the ball which he thought he had receaued, Now (forsooth) the Alcumister bad him lay vp the same ball of ware, and also vse certaine ceremonies, (which I thought good heere to omit) and after certaine daies, houres, and minutes, they returned together according to the appointment, and found great gaines by multiplication of the angels, insomuch that he being a plaine man, was heereby perswaded that he should not onely haue a rare and notable good sonne in law, but a companion that might helpe to ad vnto his wealth much treasure, and to his estate great fortune and felicity: and to encrease this opinion in him, as also to winne his further fauour: but especially to bring his cũning Alcumistry, or rather his lend purpose to passe, he tolde him that it were folly to multiply a pound of gold, when as easily they might multiply a million, and therefore counselled him to produce al the money he had, or could borrowe of his neighbours, and freendes, and did put him out of doubt, that he would multiply the same, & reduble it exceedingly, euen as he sawe by experience how he delt with the smal somme before his face: this Gent. in hope of gaines and preferment, consented to his sweete motion, & brought out and layd before his feete, not the one halfe of his goodes, but all that he had, or could make or borrowe any manner of waye: then this Iuggling Alchimister hauing obtayned his purpose, foulded the same in a ball in quantity far bigger then the other. And conuaying the same vnto his bosome or pocket, deliuered another Ball (as before) in the like quantity, to be reserued, and safely kept in his cheste, whereof (because the matter was of importance) eyther of them must haue a keye, and a seuerall lock, that no interruption might be made to the ceremuny, or abuse by either of them in defrawding eche other. Now forsooth the circumstances, and ceremonies being ended & the Alchimisters purpose thereby performed, he tould the Gent. that vntil a certen day and hower lymited to retorne, either of them might imploye themselues about theire busines, and necessarie affaires, the Gent. to his busines, and he to the citty of London. And in the meane tyme the gould should multiply, But the Alchimister (belike) hauing other matters of more importãce, cam not iust at the hower appoynted nor yet at the day, nor with in the yere, so as although it were som what, against ye Gent. conscience to violate his promise or break the league yet partly by the longing he had to see, & partely the desire he had to enioy the frute of ye excellent experiment, hauing for his own securitie (& the others Satisfaction) some testimonie at the opening thereof, to witnes his sincere dealing, he brake vp the coffer, & loe, he soone espied the Ball of ware which he himselfe had layd vpp there with his owne handes, so as he thought, if the hardest should fall, he should finde his principall, and why not as good incrase now, as of the other before? But alas, when the ware was broken and the mettall discouered, the gould was much abased and became perfect lead.
Hitherto haue I spoken somewhat of the knauerie of Alcumisry, now I will conclude with a pretty dialogue that Petrarke a man of great wisdome and learning, and of no lesse experience, hath written who as in his time, sawe the fraudulent fetches of this compassing craft, so hath there bin no age, since the same hath bin broached, but that some wise men haue smelt out the euill meaning of these shifting marchants, and bewrayed them to the world.
Francis Petrarke, (I say) treating of the same matter, in forme of a dialogue, introduceth a deciple of his, who fancied the foresaid profession and practise, speaking on this manner.
Decip. I hope for a prosperous successe in Alcamistrie.
Pet. It is a wonder from whẽce that hope should spring, sith the fruite thereof did neuer yet fall to thy lotte: nor yet at any time chance to another, as the report commonly goeth, that many rich men, by this vanity and madnes, haue bin brought to beggery, whilst they haue wearied their wealth, in trying of conclusions: to make gould ingender gould.
Decip. I hope for gould according to the workemans promise.
Petra. He that promised the gould, will runne away with the gould, and thou neuer the wiser.
Decip. He promiseth me greate good.
Petr. He will first serue his owne turne, and releeue his priuate pouerty, for Alcumisters are a beggerly kinde of people, who though they confesse themselues bare, and needy: yet wil they make other rich, and wealthie, as though others pouertie did molest, and greeue them more then their owne, so far the words of petrarke.
Albert in his booke of mineralls, reporteth that Auicen treating of Alcumistry: saith, Let the dealers of Alcumistry vnderstand, that the very nature of things, can not be changed: but rather made by arte, to resemble the same in shew, and likenes: so that they are not the very thing indeede, but seeme so to bee in appearance: As Castles and Towers doe seeme to be built in the ayre, whereas the representations there shewed, are nothing else, but the resemblance of certaine obiects belowe, caused in some bright, and cleere cloude: when the aire is voyde of thicknes, and grossenes, a sufficient proofe hereof may be the looking-glasse: and wee see (saith he) the yellow orringe cullour layde vppon red, seemeth to be gould.
Thus much for the fond, and vaine arte of Alcumistry, I will now drawe to an ende, leauing to speake of the innumerable charmes of coniurours, bad Phisitions, lewd Surgions, melancholy Witches, and cosoners, especially for such: as bad Phisitions and Surgions, knowe not how to cure: as against the falling euill, the biting of madde doggs, the stinging of a Scorpion, the tooth-ache, for a woman in trauell, for the kings euill: to get a thorne out of any member, or a bone out of ones throate: for sore eies, to open locks, against spirits: for the botts in a horse, for sower wines, and diuers others.
There are also diuers books imprinted, as it should appeare by the authoritie of the Church of Rome, wherin are conteyned many medecinall prayers, not only against all deseases of horses, but also for euery impediment, and fault in a horse, in so much as if a shooe fall in the middest of his iorney; there is a prayer to warrant your horses hoofe so as it shall not breake, how farre soeuer he be from the smythes forge: But these of all the rest are the fondest toyes, that euer were deuised, therefore we wil passe them ouer, and yet how many in these dayes are addicted to the beleefe of these charmes it is incredible, I will giue you a taste of two or three, because you shall see the foolery of the rest.
A Charme to be said each morning by a Witch
fasting, or at least before she goe
abroade.
The fire bites, the fire bites, the fire bites: hogs turde ouer it, hogges turde ouer it, hoggs turde ouer it. The Father with thee, the Sonne with me, the holy Ghost betweene vs both to be, thrise, then spitt ouer one shoulder, and then ouer the other, and then three times right forward.
An olde womans Charme wherewith she did much
good in the cuntrie and grew famous
thereby.
An olde woman that healed all deseases of cattell (for the which she neuer tooke any reward but a penny and a loafe) being seriously examined, by what words she brought these things to passe, confessed that after she had touched the sick creature, she alwaies departed immediately saying.
My loafe in my lap,
My penie in my purse:
Thou art neuer the better,
And I am neuer the worse.