THE COURT OF PROGRESS
SCENE: A great plain, filled with a vast multitude of people. Tents, pagodas, pavilions, booths, kiosks, scattered over a wide area and alive with a swarming mass. Overhead innumerable flags, banners, shields, emblems and insignia of all kinds, as well as a welter of decoration and bunting, all symbolic of peace, prosperity and progress. Innumerable alleyways and passages suggest a maze. In the center, behind a great open square or drill-ground, an enormous pink-and-green pavilion of silk, fluttering innumerable pinions and streamers of the most variegated hues. In the extreme west of this (center) and facing east (to suggest open-mindedness and a spirit of receptivity and progress) a giant Musnud or throne of dried mush, straw and the polished grains of the oyster plant, each with its spiritual, ethical and social significance. This same is richly carved and tinted to represent the dawn, while at the top, by a process of higher coloring, the floridity, variety and fecundity of tropic life, signifying fullness of development, is suggested. Over this a canopy of dried morning-glory vines stained to represent the pink glow of dawn and strung with innumerable papier-maché flowers representative of the bursting blooms of perfection. Beneath, a large assortment of pillows, rugs, bed-ticks, mats, cushions, hassocks and the like, tinted to suggest the variety, fecundity, beneficence and generosity of Nature. On these rest the one hundred Moonshees, Savants, Pundits, Roctor-Proctors, Theorists, Seers, Zadkiels, Oracles, Solons, Nestors and profound Daniels and Gamaliels, members of the High Court of Progress of the Federated Republics of the World for the years 3913-3923, and representing in themselves the world’s farthest intellectual reaches as well as its peace, progress, perfection and plenty.
On their heads tall cornucopias of green-and-yellow tinfoil, fluttering with ribbons. On their bodies flowing silk robes of green decorated with red, yellow and blue astrologic designs, each of special ethical, social and spiritual significance. In the center of this company, his body clad in yellow, green and blue cheesecloth, his head surmounted by a tall blue cornucopia (signifying peace and plenty), and resting on an immense stack of eiderdown pillows, NOXUS PODUNKUS, Grand Referendunce Chairman of the Federated Republics of the World and President pro tem of the Court of Progress of the same. He is very fat and restful. Behind and among them, fifty Dizzards in sky-blue fleshings, jackets of yellow, and pink coal-scuttle helmets, who keep watch and ward by whistling between their teeth and laying about them with feather-stuffed clubs whenever the attention of the Moonshees is desired. Among the audience, one hundred thousand already admitted and in their seats, five thousand Nizys in pink fleshings and striped blue-and-green shawls, each carrying a tin wash-boiler full of orange and lemon souffle and doling out the same in ice-cream cones to all who signal. The latter are hung around their waists in long strings.
Before the Musnud one hundred Hoddy-Doddys, Ticklers Extraordinary to the Savants, Zadkiels, etc. These are arrayed in green fleshings and yellow silk overcoats, and carry yellow feather-dusters attached to long blue bamboo stalks. They assist the Dizzards in keeping the Moonshees awake. About the Hoddy-Doddys, ranged in a semi-circle, one hundred Zanys, Official Wing-Bag Rattlers to the Musnud. These same wear orange-and-green sweaters and running pants of black and orange, plus long-visored caps of green, and carry pear-shaped wind-bags containing dried watermelon seeds, the ethical symbol of receptivity, which they rattle whenever the attention of the audience is desired. Between the Hoddy-Doddys and the Musnud, and at the immediate base of the same, one hundred Fuddys, Wireless Telegraph Operators Extraordinary to the Court, in green silk uniforms and plug hats, who are busy sending out preliminary notices to the world of the assembling of the Court of Progress. Beyond the Zanys in the aisles and semi-circular passages between the seats, one thousand Loobies and one thousand Gaberlunzies, Official First and Second Readers to the Court, the First arrayed in blue-and-white, the Second in green-and-white polka-dot gowns and mortar-boards, and each carrying about his waist a chain to which is attached all the then permitted classics of the pre-Federated Period (A. D. 1897-1927)—Hamilton Wright Mabie, Orrison Swett Marden, Harold Bell Wright, Gene Stratton Porter, Ralph Waldo Trine and others—from which at all moments of undue excitement it is their duty to read soothing passages in unison.
Outside the principal entrance to the pavilion, on the Grand Concourse, separate companies or regiments of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Anti-Vivisectionists, Anti-Vaccinationists, Anti-Contraceptionists, Anti-Vice Crusaders, Eugenic Sires, Feminists, Non-Smokers’ Social Unionists, Anti-Saloon Leaguers, Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Professors of Christian Economy, Seventh Day Adventists, Sabbath Day Exclusivists, Holy Rollers, King’s Daughters, Watch and Ward Guards, Library Protection Association Guards, Union Astronomers, Federated College Philosophers, Evangelists, etc., each practicing their separate evolutions and class yells. A giant procession, fifty thousand in number, soon to start and file before the assembled Pundits and Zadkiels of the Court sitting on the Musnud within, is intended to demonstrate to it and to the Universe at large, via the assembled audience, the happy presence and persistence and strength of the forces of light and order and truth, as opposed to the quondom and now all but vanished remnants of darkness prevailing in the world before the Federation of the Commission-Governed Republics of the World. As the principal function of the Court is to catechise its adherents and delegates as to the reason for the faith that is in them, and to learn as to the present progress of truth, mercy, justice, etc. via a series of shrewd and now sacred questions (the Post Federated Tablets of the Law) especially calculated to bring forth the facts and shame the forces of darkness into silence, these same stand ready to answer all such questions as to the certainty of the final perfection of life and so to receive the approval of the Musnud and the assembled populace.
Some companies of these same are at present busy executing their preliminary maneuvers, walking on their hands, turning hand-springs and cart-wheels, whirling as dervishes and whistling and cat-calling. Others ask and answer each other the sacred questions of the Tablets; still others leap, run around in a ring, roll in the dust and kick. Still others meditate head in hand or stare in fixed absorption at Philosophers’ targets fixed on posts at different points in the grounds. A general air of hope, sequacity, peace, content, well-being, ease, and other forms of human satisfaction, pervades each and every section of the field.
Hauled about by varying groups of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Anti-Vivisectionists, Anti-Vaccinationists, etc., all in attractive and unforgettable raiment of cerise, purple, yellow and nile green, are the only remaining specimens or images of now all but extinct Gamblers, Saloon-Keepers, Financiers, Thieves, Vivisectionists, Vaccinationists, Philosophers, Politicians, Magdalens and Predatory Rich still in captivity or existence. It should be stated in passing that all Liars, Thieves, Scoundrels, Lechers, Anarchists and the like were finally exterminated during the all-memorable Federated Presidency of Bonehead X, A. D. 3409-3427, just five hundred years before. Saloons and all forms of illegal as well as commercialized vice departed this earth some seven hundred years before. The ladies of the Inner High Council of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient Thirty-second Degree Anti-Vivisectionists have here (muzzled and chained) the only extant examples of a Vivisectionist surgeon of the former cult of inhuman experimentalists, captured in Greenland. The Federated Union of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Vice-Crusaders of the World present in a drop-forged steel cage, painted yellow, blue and green, the only living specimen of a simon-pure Madam, recently captured in the outlying regions of Borneo. In other portions of the field, caged and dressed to represent now extinct types of Materialists, Scientists, Philosophers, Chemists, Nietzscheans, Pragmatists, Stoics and so forth, are one hundred volunteers of the East South African School of Christian Histrionic Culture, freely giving their services for this great occasion.
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Grand Secretary-Treasurer of the Indo-African group of Commission-Governed Republics, now in federation with the rest of the world, and Master of Ceremonies to the Court of Progress. He is a tall man, in a suit of red-and-green pajamas, slightly rubberized and inflated. His ears are pierced and hung with blue earrings and his cheeks are adorned with yellow lambrequins three feet long. Temporarily he is entertaining himself just outside the stage entrance to the main tent by doing back somersaults, but at the sight of five thousand Descendant Sons and Daughters of Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward, and Library Protection Guards in marching order approaching the main or stage entrance, he executes nine hand-springs, three bounds and one back somersault, landing in front of the Musnud. At sight of him the assembled multitude stirs and quivers and he-haws with delight. The associated Moonshees, Pundits, Roctor-Proctors and others stir slightly but continue to snore. SHISHMASH HASH HASH, executing a jig-step and tying his whiskers in a bow-knot.) Your Referendunces! (At this the fifty Dizzards directly in attendance on the assembled Moonshees of the Musnud, each over six feet tall and weighing exactly one hundred and twenty-seven pounds, stir the latter to wakefulness by whistling between their fingers and beating them with their feather-stuffed clubs.)
THE FIFTY DIZZARDS
Pfs-s-t!—— Pfs-s-t!—— Pfs-s-t! (They lay about them mightily with their clubs.)
THE FIVE THOUSAND NIZYS
(Bearers of orange and lemon souffle to the Court. Becoming greatly excited at sight of the platform Dizzards belaboring the Moonshees and beginning to jump up and down, at the same time ladling out cones of green and pink souffle.) Refresh yourselves, good people! Refresh yourselves! Ssh!—Sssssh!—Ssssssssh!
THE ONE HUNDRED HODDY-DODDYS
(Shaking their long-handled feather-dusters and whirling about in a ring.) Awake, your Referendunces! Awake! Awake! (They tickle the noses, ears, chins and necks of the Moonshees, Zadkiels, etc., who stir feebly but continue to snore.)
THE ONE HUNDRED ZANYS
(Rattling their wind-bags and jigging in unison.) Attention! Attention, good audience! Attention! Their Grand Referendunces of the Federated Musnud of the World are about to be awakened! Attention! Attention! (They rattle their wind-bags vigorously and roll their eyes from left to right and back nine times.)
THE TWO THOUSAND LOOBIES AND GABERLUNZIES
(Roaming nervously to and fro, reading.) “At this moment, the sun sinking low in the West, the faint West wind stirring in the leaves, the pellucid rill tinkling gently—so, for a heart-beat, he saw her.” (Each holds up a restful hand.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Executing three steps to the left and four to the right and spinning on his right toe.) Your Referendunces! Most Worthy and Grand Referendunces! Is the High Court of Progress of the Federated Republics of the World now ready to receive the reports of the various battalions of Law, Order, Peace, Justice, Truth, etc., accredited to this Court? They await your Referendunces’ pleasure without. (At this another herculean attempt is made to arouse the assembled judges of the Musnud. The fifty Dizzards who are in direct attendance on the Moonshees begin whistling between their teeth and striking them with their feather-clubs. The one hundred Hoddy-Doddys stir up the multitude in the front rows by dusting off their ears and noses with their long-poled feather-dusters. The one hundred Zanys rattle their wind-bags, and the two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies read intently and with vigor, each holding up a hand. The five thousand Nizys hurry here and there offering souffle to all.)
THE ONE HUNDRED MOONSHEES, ROCTOR-PROCTORS, ZADKIELS, ETC.
(Stirring slightly and opening their eyes.) Souffle! Souffle! (Great panniers of souffle are fed to them, and they relapse into slumber.)
THE FIFTY DIZZARDS
(Seeing they have the Moonshees partially awake.) Your Referendunces! Most worthy Referendunces! The Secretary of the Honorable Court desires to know is it ready to receive the first division of the assembled Battalions of Knowledge now about to report as to the present state and progress of the world? (A vast murmur of “Hee-haw!”—the 30th century expression of approval—passes over the assemblage. SHISHMASH HASH HASH executes four more hand-springs, lights gracefully on his back and slowly draws his toes up to his fingers, thus gradually assuming a standing position, and bows. The fifty Dizzards whistle between their teeth and beat the Moonshees vigorously with their feather-clubs. The Zanys rattle their wind-bags lustily. Fifty of the one hundred Moonshees awake and call for more souffle. Five hundred tons are at once distributed to the audience, and quiet is restored.)
THE MOONSHEES, ROCTOR-PROCTORS, ZADKIELS, ETC.
(Stirring feebly and pushing the feather-dusters out of their eyes. In chorus.) What is the question? What is the question? (They sink back heavily on their pillows. SHISHMASH HASH HASH throws four fits and attempts to insert his left foot in his mouth, then stands at attention while four Dizzards, lifting aloft silk banners on which are pictures of keys of knowledge and open books, fall to the ground and get up again. The one hundred Hoddy-Doddys tickle the noses of the Moonshees frantically. The five thousand Nizys throw handfuls of souffle in the faces of the audience and spin on one foot. The two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies rear and plunge, murmuring “Shush! Shush!” then read.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Chief Presiding Referendunce of the Federated Court of Progress of the World. Sitting up, opening one eye and gazing about.) Indeed! You say, do you? Well, let them enter! (He collapses again.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Spinning away to the stage entrance, at which the representatives of the various forces of Progress are waiting in parade array.) Are you ready? Are you ready? (A shout goes up. He lifts both hands, and pirouetting gracefully backward toward the Musnud is followed by the 1st, 316th, 3727th, 4728th, 6914th and 7178th Divisions of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward and Library Protection Association Guards, King’s Daughters, Sabbath Day Exclusivists, Seventh Day Adventists, and Holy Rollers in close formation. They are all in Empire Nicollet silk, striped with blue bombazine, ruched at neck and feet, and carry immense banners of green and yellow on which are pictured barred library doors, sealed books, bonfires of questionable or lewd books, and padlocked library safes. They are preceded by and interlarded with silver and gold harp bands in great numbers, as well as a small exhibition corps of Anti-Lewd Book Examiners, carefully examining lewd books after the manner of the years A. D. 1885-1921. These last carry large red, yellow and green-blue pencils and wear horn glasses the size of saucers. They read, blush, and blue-pencil as they come. They are preceded by cage-cars containing [one each] Ossified Specimens of Ancient Lewd Novelist, Playwright and Poet. They pause and stand at attention before the Musnud, giving first an exhibition of lewd-book editing, then the Free and Accepted and Descendant yell, “Anti-Vice! Anti-Vice! Boy Scouts Forever!” after which they clog and whistle.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Scratching one ear and blinking his one open eye, the while the five thousand Nizys distribute souffle and the audience cheers vociferously.) Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward Guards, King’s Daughters, Sabbath Day Adventists, Holy Rollers (whispers to a Dizzard, “Did I get them all right?”)—we have, as you know, as President and Referendunces of this great Court, founded so long ago by our worthy predecessor, Mush Mush I, a certain duty to perform, and that is the asking of our regular prepared and revered and revised Sacred Questions, the answers to which, given as we all know you will give them, constitute in themselves at once a record and a testimony to the wisdom, perfection, peace and plenty to which our vast Federated Republics and Peoples the world over have at last arrived. (Great applause lasting one hour, during which transcripts of the proceedings and speech thus far are wirelessed by the Fuddys to all parts of the world.) Once, as you well know and as we are sorry to remember, there existed a certain amount of vice and crime in the world (vast and prolonged boo-ing and cat-calling)—less and less, we will admit, as the forces of righteousness and order such as we represent here to-day gained momentum (a second burst of applause lasting one hour, during which this portion of the speech is wirelessed. The Zadkiels breathe heavily), but plentiful enough—plentiful enough, I am glad to say—Souffle! Souffle! (he sighs and is fed)—as well as a tendency, disobedient in the extreme, to investigate and study and doubt everything, from stars to ant-hills, and even to make light of the revealed and divine facts of Nature, which as we all know are irrefutable and not to be questioned and to which our hearts are always and only our best guides. (Enormous applause, lasting thirty minutes.) Fortunately for us now, however, and happily, and owing, as I may say, to the benign activities of those noble workers in the cause of righteousness, Mush Mush I, Bonehead V, and Dish Rag III, who flourished A. D. 1970-2061 in America and elsewhere, the virtues of sobriety, justice, truth, mercy, industry and the like were, as we all well know, firmly and finally established. (Tremendous applause, lasting one hundred and eight minutes, during which seven hundred wash-boilers of souffle are consumed. Wireless messages are sent to all parts.) Thanks to them and their beneficent efforts, we do not attempt to investigate any more. (Prolonged cheering.) We do not seek to reason any more. (Immense cheering, lasting two hours.) Man, as you all well know, has seen the line of his duty and has followed it closely. (More cat-calling.) With the greatest care we have been able to eliminate not only those besetting vices which scarred the face of man with their hideous thoughts, but also those equally great vices of curiosity and speculation in regard to chemistry, philosophy, physics, astronomy, sociology, political economy, those low and evil so-called sciences which once so disturbed and irritated and afflicted the human mind. (A burst of applause, lasting forty-three minutes.) They have been done for, and instead we have strictly and sensibly confined ourselves, I am happy to state, to those more acceptable evidences of our place in Nature and our duties, as revealed by those renowned and profound teachers and thinkers, our noble and revered ancestors, Billy Sunday the Great, he of blessed memory (applause, lasting one hour)—Ralph Waldensicuss Trinecuss of Boston (applause, lasting fifty minutes)—Arise-and-Sweat Marden (applause, lasting forty minutes)—Erbert Goughman (applause, lasting thirty minutes)—Philip Dugmore Potts (applause, lasting twenty minutes)—and Edith Whiller Nox Nox (applause, lasting ten minutes)—revealers and thinkers all, the true forerunners and prophets of our present peaceful and happy state. (Prolonged applause, enduring over seven-hundred minutes, during which NOXUS and the Moonshees snore and the two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies read long and refreshing passages from the works of the individuals mentioned. The Fuddys sizz at their task.)
THE ONE HUNDRED HODDY-DODDYS
(As the applause subsides, feathering the face of the Moonshees.) Awake, your Referendunces, awake! (They pole-vault in front of the Musnud.)
THE FIFTY DIZZARDS
(Whistling between their teeth and striking with their feather clubs.) Oh, your Very Great Referendunces! Oh! Come to! Come to! (They chatter and clog.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Batting an eye and being lifted to a sitting position.) Ah, yes! Ah, yes! Let me see ... where was I? (A Dizzard, prompted by a Fuddy, repeats his last sentence.) Ah, yes! As I was saying, these, our revered leaders, taught us. It is to them, their patient and enduring labors, their deep, even profound, cogitations as to life, that we all owe all that we enjoy and revere so deeply to-day—our peace, our freedom from disturbing thought, from the besetting vice of questioning or investigating. All we have to do now is ask and re-ask and affirm and re-affirm our Sacred Questions, so ably asked and answered so many centuries since by our noble forerunners, Bonehead V. and Dish Rag III. (Separate and prolonged applause at each name, during which Podunkus again slumbers, is feathered and clubbed and lifted to a sitting position.) Ah, yes! Ah, yes! The Questions—the Questions. (He fumbles weakly about, while seven Dizzards hand him seven engrossed and gold-plated copies of the regulation Sacred Questions as made and provided for all such occasions. He stares at one feebly and continues.) Ah yes! Now I have them! The Questions—the Questions, on which, as I was saying, are based, as on a rock, all our peace, security, freedom from thought; the very, indeed, pillows—I mean pillars—of our ease and comfort. The Sacred Questions! To be sure! Question One—let me see—Question One—Question One (aside “Where is it?” A Dizzard points to it.)—Question One is most important, the very corner-stone, I might say, of our undisturbed security and ease in thoughtlessness. (Examines it closely.) It reads—it reads—Ah yes!—Now I have it!—“Have you kept the faith?” That’s it. “Have you kept the faith?” To be sure! Have we kept it, I might say? Almost the most sacred of all our Questions! Have we kept the faith? (He mumbles feebly on.) That’s it! Have we kept the faith?
THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH
(Standing at attention and in unison.)
We have, we have!
We have, have, have!
(They clog. Immense applause from the audience, lasting thirty minutes. The First and Second Readers read soothing passages.)
THE MOONSHEES, ROCTOR-PROCTORS, GAMALIELS, ZADKIELS
(Turning on the other side and imbibing souffle.) Excellent! Excellent! Couldn’t be better! They have kept the faith! Most comforting. Ah!
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Reclining and imbibing souffle.) Charming! Charming! Most sweet of them! The dear, dear things! They would keep anything we asked them to! It is really too wonderful! (He sighs.)
THE FEDERATED SPECTATORS
(One hundred thousand strong.) Hey! Hey! Hey! Rah! Rah! Rah! Federated Republics forever! Long live the Court of Progress! (The cheering continues for fifteen minutes.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(When comparative silence is restored, and blinking his open eye.) Beautiful! Beautiful! It is as I thought! A wondrous scene! Now for Question Number—let me see (eleven Dizzards point to the place)—Ah, yes! To be sure! (Reads.) Question Number Two—a wonderful question—a deep and subtly devised question—a question which, as I may say, has done as much as any of the others to persuade us to and keep us all in that happy and unquestioning frame of mind which, as we all know, we now so wisely seek to maintain—Souffle! Souffle! (he imbibes)—a question the like of which is not to be found in any other sacred code the world has ever known—and here, my dear fellow-Federationists (he raises a hand), and here is it: Question Two—Ah, yes! (reads) “Is it not true that all men are now honest, kind, true, moral, virtuous and wise?” (He pauses for breath and looks benignly about.)
THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH
(Jigging vigorously.)
They are! They are!
They rarr! rarr! rarr!
(They walk on their hands.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
Beautiful! Beautiful! Never have I heard such perfect teamwork! It is wonderful! Not so, my fellow Moonshees?
(He turns.)
The Moonshees, Pundits, Zadkiels, Etc.
(Turning over and snoring.) Excellent! Couldn’t be better! They do perfect work! (They each catch a wink of sleep.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Aroused and scratching the back of his neck, the while he eyes them feelingly.) It is too delightful! That I should have lived to have the exalted honor of presiding on so wonderful an occasion! But now for Question Three, my dears—Question Three—another beautiful question (he fumbles foolishly about seeking the tablet. Seventeen Dizzards point to it.)—Ah, yes! Ah, yes! Very difficult to manage all of these questions! But here it is!—And now for Question Three—a lovely question! A question lovely! I almost hate to read it and have it all over with! (Reads.) “And that all women are as pure as driven snow?” (Pauses and gazes about ecstatically, one hand up.)
THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH
(Executing cart-wheels in circles.)
Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!
’Tis as easy to say as Pie! Pie! Pie!
(They end by waving with their feet.)
THE FEDERATED SPECTATORS
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
The world’s now safe for ever and a day!
(An hour of unbroken applause follows.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(As quiet is once more restored and he is dusted into semi-consciousness.) Quite so! Quite so! Forever and a day! Ah! And—and (he looks about for his tablet and twenty-seven Dizzards hand him each a sacred plate.)—and that—let me see—Ah, yes!—Question Four! Question Four! Here it is! (Reads.) “And that God is always on His Throne?” (He collapses from exhaustion.)
THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH
(Falling flat on their backs.)
He is! He is! It is so plain
Upon His Throne He doth remain!
By day or night, in dark or light,
We feel His presence shining bright!
All’s well with the world!
(They roll to and fro in rows of one hundred each.)
THE ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND SPECTATORS
(Uproariously.)
Hey! Hey! What a glorious day!
Hey! Hey! What a glorious day!
(The cheering is resumed for fifteen minutes more, during which ten vanloads of souffle are distributed.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(After order has been restored and surveying his associates of the Musnud sleepily.) Perfect! Perfect!—or nearly so! Beautiful! I never saw anything so well done! Never! Such order! Such union! But—let me see—I believe these are all the questions to be asked of these divisions, are they not? (Looks about him helplessly and yet benignly. The fifty Dizzards all rush together and confer. The Hoddy-Doddys ditto. The Zanys ditto. The Loobies and Gaberlunzies bite their nails, then rush together and mumble. The Moonshees sit up and confer with PODUNKUS. He proceeds.) Ah yes! As I was saying! Quite so! Quite so! Since, then, it is the opinion of the Associated Members of the Musnud that the report of the Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts and Anti-(he reads the entire roster) seems to accord with the progress of the year as reported to us from all outlying sections of the Federation, and it is their wish that it be accepted and offered and engrossed in the records of the Musnud as a true picture of the state and progress of the world for this year of our Lord A. D. 3913, they will signify as much by saying “Aye,” contrary, “Nay.” The “Ayes” have it. The report of these excelling representatives is accepted and they are excused. (He falls back and into a deep sleep. The Moonshees do likewise.)
THE ONE HUNDRED MOONSHEES
(Weakly, in their sleep). Souffle! Souffle!
THE ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND SPECTATORS
Hey! Hey! Hey! ’Tis a perfect day!
’Tis a perfect day! ’Tis a perfect day!
Hey! Hey! Hey! ’Tis a perfect day!
(They cheer for one solid hour.)
THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH
(Ricochetting and executing triple hand-springs, the while SHISHMASH HASH HASH sidesteps and returns to the main stage entrance, left.)
What pleasure, oh! What pleasure, oh!
To know the world is perfect, so
That never now by day or night
Need any one feel fear or fright.
(They zigzag gaily in ranks of one thousand and exit.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(At the stage entrance, surveying one hundred and fifty divisions of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Moving Picture Censors, Sabbath Day Observance Leaguers, Baptist and Methodist Evangelists, and Non-Smokers’ Social Unionists, now ready and in marching order just outside the tent entrance. These have arranged themselves in battalions of two thousand each and are arrayed in snow-white frock coats, bright red silk hats, lavender pants or skirts, as the case may be, and carry bright brass drum-major batons. Numerous bands of Descendant and Amalgamated Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Anti-Saloon Leaguers and Billysundays are arrayed in pink-flowered business suits and silver-green capes, carrying hatchets and bearing aloft the portrait of their patron saint, Mrs. Carrie Nation, who flourished A. D. 1884-1913, playing on silver and tin horns, wind instruments, hewgags and jew’s harps. These are preceded by cage-cars containing one each of Ossified Specimens of Ancient Cigarette Fiend, Simon-pure American Bartender, Lewd Scenario Writer, Sabbath Day Breaker. The bands begin playing “All Hail the Peace Which Now Prevails!” As they enter, preceded by SHISHMASH HASH HASH with his head between his legs and walking on his hands to the Musnud, forty thousand members of the audience rise and stand on their heads. Another forty thousand sink to the floor between their seats and gasp. The five thousand Nizys pass swiftly among them administering souffle. The first and second readers read rapidly. SHISHMASH HASH HASH, landing on his feet as he reaches the Musnud and beginning to jig.) Will the High and Mighty Referendunces of the Federated Musnud of the World deign to notice these humble instruments of moral intercession here gathered from all parts of the world to testify at this great review to the blessings of peace, morality, fecundity and other social virtues? (As he says this he executes nine flip-flaps, whereat the great assemblage bursts into thunders of applause. The fifty Dizzards on the Musnud leap on each other’s necks as they whistle between their teeth. The one hundred Zanys rattle their wind-bags furiously. NOXUS PODUNKUS, being simultaneously beaten by four stuffed clubs and tickled by four feather-dusters, while two Dizzards whistle in his ears, opens both eyes and looks blandly around.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(With a fat, ingratiating smile, as the uproar continues.) Are we now beholding more divisions of the unconquerable forces of Truth, Virtue, Justice, Sobriety and Righteousness? Good! Good! (He opens his mouth, which is immediately filled with souffle.)
THE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DIVISIONS
(Cakewalking, shamble-shuffling and tossing their hatchets, batons, musical instruments, etc., aloft.) Hail! Hail! The end of shame! (They sing.)
’Tis now that we with joy behold
The earth of virtue yield fourfold
Of truth and right the crop is great—
Indeed, enough the world to sate!
(Melody the same as “Behold the Power.” To be sung without lining.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Scratching one ear and making a supreme effort to think.) A charming sight! A charming sight! The world is indeed progressing! Allow us to congratulate you, my dears and dearesses! Allow us! Allow us! Perfection is at hand! It has been long in coming, but now, as I might say, it has reached its destination. Souffle! Souffle! (A pannier is brought and fed him.) As I was saying to those last dear battalions who so gracefully testified to our Peace and Progress, Security and the like, it now becomes my duty to read from our revered and Sacred Questions—the compendium, as you know, of all our Knowledge, Law, Intelligence—Questions Five, Six, Seven and Eight—I believe that is the allotted number, is it not? (Thirty-one Dizzards nod.)—and as I do so will you please answer in unison so that all may know—the world—the universe indeed—how well we understand, how firmly we know, believe, that which has brought us to our present state of peace and comfort, our ease of mind and body. (Reads.) Question Five—Question Five—ah yes! Just as I thought! (Reads, one hand up.) “There is a God, is there not? We know that, do we not?”
THE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DIVISIONS
(Jabbing their batons into the ground, tossing them in the air and then catching them again.)
There is! There is! We do! We do!
What joy to know ’tis true, true, true!
(At this ninety-nine Moonshees, who have risen to a sitting position, fall back, murmuring “Splendid! Splendid! Wonderful!” The Hoddy-Doddys exclaim the same thing and practice at sword-play with their feather-dusters, while the Dizzards play at leap-frog and the Zanys beat each other with their empty wind-bags. The five thousand Nizys plunge their heads into the souffle but withdraw them quickly and ladle out cones to the mass. The two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies read many enchanting passages as the audience applauds, after which the Dizzards resume normal positions and lay about them with their stuffed clubs.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Scratching his nose and making another great effort to think, the while he beats the railing before him.) Ah, yes! That is it! “There is! We do!” It is on our knowledge of that that we rest so peacefully, all else being of no importance. (Reads.) Question Six—(pauses)—“He is on His Throne, is He not? We know that, do we not?”
THE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DIVISIONS
(Jigging)
He is! He is! We do! We do!
This truth is ever new and true!
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Sinking into his pillows and peacefully closing his eyes.) Quite so! Quite so! We need that knowledge to sustain us in our present ease. It is so comforting! As I often say, what would we do without our dear Questions? (He falls asleep. Seven Dizzards and seven Hoddy-Doddys club and feather him. He resumes.) And now for—ah yes!—let me see—Question—Question (various Dizzards gather about him and point)—Ah, yes! Seven—Question Seven! (Ecstatically.) Let me read this to you, this beautiful Question, the answer to which, as I so often say, reassures us all so much, keeps us all so sweet and content, always. (Raises one hand.) “All is well with the world, is it not? We know that, do we not? It is, is it not?” Come now, all together—One, Two, Three——
THE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DIVISIONS
Yea ho! Yea ho! Yea, Bo! Yea, Bo!
A truer thing we do not know!
(They fall to the ground and roll rapturously to and fro.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(As wave on wave of applause sweeps over the pavilion and bags out the sides and top, leaning forward and opening one eye.) ’Tis beautifully said! Beautifully said! A perfect answer to a perfect Question! A wonderful testimony to the ever upwardness and onwardness of things! It is almost more than one could hope for—than any one can hope for! And now, my dears and dearesses, comes Question—(looks at the tablet while all the Dizzards lean and point)—Question Eight, a very, very great Question, a Question which, as I always say, has undoubtedly more than any other Question brought us at last to this very perfect and peaceful state, in which we rest as, I might say, a babe in its cradle, as a—a—Souffle! (he is fed). Here it is: “How is it that we know that God is on His Throne and all is well with the world? How is it?” Can’t you see how important that is, how wonderful? Come now! We must have a perfect and compelling answer to this! All together—One, Two, Three! (Leans forward expectantly, intently.)
THE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DIVISIONS
Our hearts, our hearts, they tell us so—
What is it that our hearts don’t know!
(Each places a hand over his heart.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Falling back on seven pillows and taking a deep breath.) Beautiful! Beautiful! Even so! And given as it should be! Let me hear you say that again, my dears and dearesses! Let me hear it again! (They repeat it, waving pink handkerchiefs. The audience bursts into deafening applause lasting seventy-eight minutes. The Loobies and Gaberlunzies leap in the air, turn three somersaults before landing, and fall on their feet. Five thousand wirelesses are sent. NOXUS PODUNKUS, falling back and strangling with joy.) This is too much! Too much! Who can say now that the world has not progressed! (He is lifted up, feathered and doused with souffle.) With the consent of my fellow Moonshees (looks about him affably at the sleeping Moonshees), I will now excuse these very good people. (Feeble calls of “Beautiful! Beautiful!” and “Let them be excused!” from the Moonshees.) You may go, my dears and dearesses! You may go! (He collapses.)
THE ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DIVISIONS
(Executing a flank movement and assuming an open formation five hundred abreast and marching briskly away, twirling their batons and wagging their heads.) All hail the power of Podunks’ name! (They exit. Enter seven thousand Union Astronomers and four thousand Federated College Philosophers in close formation, all in green knee pants, white spike tailcoats and blue silk hats. The Astronomers carry green telescopes instead of canes. The Philosophers are all chewing tutti-frutti. They are preceded by cage-cars containing each one Specimen of Ossified and Ancient and Unmoral Stoic, Nietzschean, Pragmatist, Anti-Christ, Chemist and Physicist.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Preceding them and climbing up the feather pole of a Hoddy-Doddy he has seized.) The Union Astronomers, your Referendunces! The Federated College Philosophers, your Referendunces! (He leaps and tumbles three times around the arena, holding his toes with his hands.)
THE ONE HUNDRED HODDY-DODDYS
(Pole-vaulting over the procession as it approaches.) The Union Astronomers, your Referendunces! The Federated Moral College Philosophers! (The Dizzards give an exhibition of feather-club swallowing. The five thousand Nizys each juggle nine ice-cream cones in the air.)
THE SEVEN THOUSAND UNION ASTRONOMERS
(Marching to “Oh, Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms,” and doing a hop, skip and jump as they near the Musnud.)
The universe is moral! The universe is moral!
’Tis as true—’tis as true—
As that a green horse isn’t sorrel!
(One-half the division stand on their heads, the others on their feet.)
THE FIFTY DIZZARDS
(Receiving souffle handed up by the Nizys below. In chorus.)
“The universe is moral! The universe is moral!
’Tis as true—’tis as true—
As that a green horse isn’t sorrel!”
THE ELEVEN THOUSAND PHILOSOPHERS AND ASTRONOMERS
(In chorus)
Hail! Hail! The Comet’s Tail!
All is well! All is swell!
Never was there an age like this!
(They wave their feet or hands, as the case may be.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Rising on one elbow and rubbing his eyes.) What! What! More? What have we here? The Union Astronomers, you say? The Federated College Philosophers? Excellent! A fine body of men, indeed! And, as you say, the universe is moral. Very, very, very moral. One of the most moral universes I have ever known. (Scratches an ear and sinks into his cushions, but the nearest Dizzards lift him up.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Excitedly touching his toes with his hands nine times.) The Questions, your Noble Referendunce! The Sacred Questions!
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Heavily and benignly.) Ah, yes! Ah, yes! The Sacred Questions! It is not intention, but memory, that seems to fail me. Quite so—the Sacred Questions! (He takes one of fifty plates offered him and examines it closely.) Ah yes! Here it is! One of the most significant and wonderful questions that has ever been planned, I think, to ease our minds and comfort us. (Reads.) Question Nine: “Is it not true that the universe is ordained for Truth, Justice, Virtue, Mercy, Tenderness, Purity?” (His voice trails off in utter exhaustion.)
THE SEVEN THOUSAND UNION ASTRONOMERS
(Doing a light come-all-ye and waving red bandana handkerchiefs.)
It is! It is! We know! We know!
The stars we see, they tell us so!
THE FOUR THOUSAND COLLEGE PHILOSOPHERS
(Masticating their gum vigorously.)
It is! It is! Hail, loud and long!
Our works, they sing the same sweet song!
(Loud and prolonged cheering by the audience. Wirelesses are sent to the waiting world. The Dizzards gnaw excitedly at their feather-clubs, then do a double-quick clog. The two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies read many, many soothing passages. The Nizys dole out souffle.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Biting his nails and crossing his legs.) So! Quite so! The stars tell us! It couldn’t be different! And now, my dears (sighs from weariness), for the Tenth Great Question—one of those beautiful things that I always love to read and re-read. The most important one, I always think, in so far as astronomy is concerned, that has ever been devised. A Question so perfect that, when we pause to consider its absolute truthfulness and perfection, answers fully—oh, so fully!—all our astronomical needs. (Reads.) “Are not the stars maintained in their courses in order that man may progress and be moral?” (He contemplates a fly which has lit on the end of his nose.)
THE UNION ASTRONOMERS
(Juggling their telescopes after the manner of a shillalah and doing a come-all-ye.)
They are! They are! The stars, they say
That man to truth is on his way!
THE COLLEGE PHILOSOPHERS
(Catching hands and dancing around in a circle.)
The Universe was made for man—
And man for good, by God’s dear plan!
(They slap each other on the back.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Rolling back in ecstasy and smearing his face with souffle.) Lovely! Lovely! “The stars they say!” This certainly is the most inspiring session we have ever had! Such unity of feeling! Such innate wisdom! Surely the waiting world must realize now how completely we have progressed—how absolutely—(he sinks to his pillows and is lifted to a sitting position by the Dizzards, who place the tablet in his hand, while the Moonshees turn over and murmur “Excellent! Excellent!” The wireless operators send out five thousand messages. PODUNKUS pulls himself together and continues.) And now, my dear children—and now comes one of the keenest, the most searching really, of all the Great and Sacred Questions made and provided for these immortal occasions and handed down to us by our renowned and dear bygone leaders and saints, Bonehead V. and Dish Rag III. Really, when I stop to think of their great work for mankind, when—(he sinks back and the Hoddy-Doddys proceed to dust him off)—Ah yes! Ah, yes! Question Eleven—almost the most wonderful, the most important of all—(reads)—“How—how,” so it reads, “do we know that, me good men? How?” (He smiles and waits expectantly, one finger up.) How do we know? That is the famous, the keenest and most searching of all the Twelve Sacred Questions. How?
THE SEVEN THOUSAND UNION ASTRONOMERS
(Telescope to eye and weaving in and out in a wild dance.)
Our hearts, they tell us! We can hear
This truth they whisper, year by year!
(They kiss each other on each cheek.)
THE FOUR THOUSAND COLLEGE PHILOSOPHERS
(In chorus, and doing a hop, skip and jump.)
Our hearts do tell us! We do know—
Besides, our Astronomers do say so!
(They swallow their gum. The multitude breaks into tumultuous applause, which lasts for one hour, during which one thousand messages are sent out and five thousand more wash-boilers of souffle are consumed.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Aiming at the fly and missing it.) Ah! Ah! Could the world wish for anything more—more enlightening? Our hearts tell us! Oh, dear! Our dear Astronomers and College Philosophers stand in absolute accord as to this! Wonderful! Wonderful! (Turning to the Musnud.) I am sure that you, my dear fellow Moonshees and Savants, must be greatly impressed and inspired by this! It is what we all so much wish to hear, always! (PODUNKUS rolls over on his side, while the Moonshees turn over and murmur “Excellent! Exquisitely put! Couldn’t be better!” The Union Astronomers and College Philosophers now march off singing, “Hail! Hail! The Gang’s all here!” the Philosophers weeping on each other’s necks for joy while the Astronomers wig-wag the song with their telescopes. The Moonshees, Zadkiels, etc., squeak feebly for souffle.)
(Enter forty-eight divisions of five hundred each of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Anti-Vice Crusaders, Prison Visitation Leaguers, Moral Prophylaxers, Anti-Contraceptionists, Eugenic Sires and Women Magazine Editors, in green, yellow and blue burnouses and pink papier-maché casques, fox-trotting as they come. An immense banner of Chinese silk and Australian wool mixed [symbolic of the general sequacity, tranquillity, plasticity, yet not to say florescence or flaccidity which now hovers over all the world] is carried before. This same contains a pale representation of a jail, such as existed in former centuries when the world was evil, but now [in the picture], in order to symbolize the present peace and progress of the world, crumbled and covered with vines and spiderwebs, while four angels of peace, one at each corner, hold up palms of victory. They are preceded by cage-cars containing each one Specimen of Ossified and Ancient White-Slaver, Gambler, Thief and Predatory Rich. As they approach, the Loobies, Gaberlunzies, Nizys and Zanys bustle hither and thither among the audience, the former reading, the latter calling for silence and explaining the exact significance of the symbol while they ladle out souffle. On and before the Musnud the Hoddy-Doddys and Dizzards hover over NOXUS and the Moonshees, who have fallen into a sound sleep. Two thousand members of the Inter-Federated Association of Inter-Asiatic Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Eugenic Sires approach first, the men wearing green Zouave trousers, white silk overcoats and blue shakos. They carry lilies. The ladies are wrapped in nine layers of pink asbestos each one inch thick and carry poisoned hatpins. After charging and counter-charging they form a square in front of the Musnud, the ladies stacking hatpins, the men presenting lilies.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Tumbling back from the entryway where he has been supervising the general formation of the new division.) Your Referendunces! Your Referendunces! Look, oh look! The Inter-Federated Association of Inter-Asiatic Descendant Sons and Daughters of Eugenic Sires crave the honor of approaching and testifying before this great Court as to what Progress has done for them! Your Referendunces!
THE ONE HUNDRED HODDY-DODDYS
(Ranging in a line and presenting arms with their feather-dusters.)
Oh, never, never has there been
A sight to equal this, we ween!
Glorious!
(They clog, and chatter their teeth.)
THE MEMBERS OF THE INTER-FEDERATED ASSOCIATION OF INTER-ASIATIC DESCENDANT SONS AND DAUGHTERS
(Pirouetting and bowing to each other.)
’Tis six full centuries at least
Since un-Eugenic weddings ceased;
And now each youth and maid you see
Is married full Eugenic-ly.
In us behold the perfect fruitage
That followed on the former brute-age!
(They ring-around-the-rosy.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Lifted to a sitting position by the Dizzards, tickled with feather-dusters, beaten with wind-bags and doused with ice-water until he opens his eyes.) What a sight!—A beautiful sight, I mean! My word! O never, my celebrated and associated Referendunces (he turns to them) have I seen so much beauty and virtue! Never! So much modesty! So much—much—everything! Really this is the worst—I mean best—I ever saw! This in itself is a complete refutation of that foul charge, once so common, that the world was in danger of not progressing. Look! Behold! O Progress, where is thy sting? (He collapses, calling for souffle, but is bolstered up and ice-water poured over him.)
ONE HUNDRED EUGENIC MAIDS
(In pink Mother Hubbards and green Quaker bonnets. Stepping forward and sinking on one knee, hands on their chins. They sing.)
It is our duty to attest
How by Eugenics we are blest!
O ’tis a wondrous art divine,
Which causes all the world to shine!
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Leaning over the railing and eying them closely.) Really! This is the limit—I mean almost too much—too much! Sweet maids! Dear sweet maids! This spectacle of the perfect fruitage of Progress under the great moral care of our forefathers—blessed be the name of the ever-to-be-remembered Anthony!—(he bows, and the audience with him)—is all but too much! Progress can do no more! I would, if any service which the mere sight of you does not render—could render—ask you the Twelfth and final Question, but what would be the use? How well we know the import of your message, even before you speak! How well we know the import of you yourselves—wonderful creatures that you are! (They bow their heads.) This vast assemblage, which in itself is a testimony to the value of Eugenics, understands full well that by the practice of Eugenics alone all weakness, vice, crime, art, philosophy (except that which our dear Union Astronomers and Federated Philosophers instinctively know and proclaim), the need of white-slave laws, saloons, the theater—all, all have long since been done away with, so that we have now—the most of us, I am glad to say—not even so much as an historic memory of them. Indeed, as we all know, on this once most unsafe but now safest of planets (applause lasting seventeen minutes), men and women are now as safe and perfect and pure as ever our worthy forefathers could have dreamed of or desired. Why, to look at you alone is enough! (He sighs and rests.)
Dear Eugenic citizens and citizenesses, without taxing you further with these deep and brain-racking questions, so sacred to us all of course, the one message of this great Court to you is to go and do as you have always done: think no more than is absolutely necessary. Don’t tax your brains. This, our great Federation of Commission-Ruled Republics, is here to do all that for you (the Moonshees stir). The less we know the better, as we all know. (Long and loud applause lasting eighteen minutes.) In former and darker, and therefore sadder, times, there were many who thought differently. But they and all those who were a part of them have long since been disposed of. (Long and uproarious applause.) And is not, I now ask you, the world happier, fairer, sweeter to the eye and the mind? (Cries of “Hear! Hear!” and “Yea! Yea!” lasting two hours.) Now, dear Eugenic citizens, you need only consider how thoughtless you are and therefore how happy in these sweet exercises and games such as we see here to-day which contribute only to the sustenance, docility and fertility of man, to know how true all this is. Be thoughtless. Be happy. And by so being, as I always think, you contribute and testify to the efficiency of Truth, Virtue, Justice, Mercy, Sobriety, Love, Beauty, Simplicity, Peace—(he collapses from sheer exhaustion.)—Souffle! Souffle! (A bucket of souffle is brought and administered.)
THE ONE HUNDRED MAIDS
(Wishing not to tire their noble Referendunces, singing in chorus.)
O, sweet Eugenic thought—to know
That our dear Noxus loves us so!
(They fall back in the ranks.)
(Enter fifteen thousand Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Anti-White Slavers of the pre-Federated Period (A. D. 1870-1927), in green-and-white kilts and galligaskins, with perukes and billy-cocks on their heads. They march swiftly forward, an expression of grim determination—historically correct—on their faces, and pause before the Musnud. Over their left arms, after the fashion of the world’s great Anti-White-Slave Leaders and in accordance with historical descriptions of the same, hang immense mantles of dark green bed-ticking intended to shield naked fleeing white slaves. Over their shoulders are carried papier-maché broadaxes of the kind known to have been used by all Anti-White-Slavers, male and female, in felling the enemy. These they occasionally brandish as they walk. At their belts hang lanterns, files, skeleton keys, medicine kits containing concentrated food pills, digitalis and the like, all intended for the rescue and resuscitation of overcome white slaves. Their eyelids and mouths are painted a bright cerise to give a look of extra vigor and force, and as they walk, one hundred abreast, they peer to right and left in the most searching and secretive and yet detecting way from beneath their hands, and occasionally flash their dark lanterns on the surrounding spectators.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Leaping up and cracking his heels nine times before descending.) Your Referendunces! Your Referendunces! We have here the only living Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable American Anti-White Slavers—the organization which in its day gave rise—laid the foundation, as it were, of our present great and perfect World Federation, over which at present your Referendunces are so ably presiding. It claims to be the only existing organization that preserves in all their purity the customs, manners and instincts of the original pre-Federated Anti-White-Slavers of seven and eight centuries since. I beg of your Referendunces—I beg of you!—on this very special occasion—I know you are tired—Will your Referendunces be pleased to receive them? (He runs swiftly around in a ring and falls over three extended feather-dusters. NOXUS PODUNKUS groans. The Moonshees moan.)
THE ONE HUNDRED ZANYS
(Dancing on before them and rattling their wind-bags.) The Anti-White-Slavers! The Anti-White-Slavers! Look! Behold!
THE FIFTY DIZZARDS
(Beating the Moonshees with feather-clubs and whistling between their teeth.) Awake! Awake! (The Moonshees stir feebly and call for souffle. By the aid of a dozen gallons of ice-water NOXUS PODUNKUS is once more aroused and now surveys the approaching procession, which marches about the arena and back to the Musnud.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Scratching his left ear and surveying the assembled throng.) What—more? Oh! Well, welcome, noble citizens! Welcome! I see by your brows that you possess the unconquerable love of Liberty, Virtue, Truth, Justice, Beauty, etc., so necessary to the happy maintenance of our present Federated condition. (He collapses and more souffle is administered. Recovering.) Stick to it! What supreme comfort it must be to you and your exceedingly courageous ancestors to know that our very happy present condition is almost entirely due to them—their noble deeds of valor performed in order that we might become so—so—(he coughs). What supreme deeds would not you now, I am sure (they brandish their battleaxes) gladly perform were it not that fortunately all provocation had long since been done away with. (Loud cheering. All the Nizys, Zanys, Hoddy-Doddys, etc., walk on their hands.) Night after night in the wilds of the great cities of those far-off centuries, now so happily past, did your forefathers fearlessly and tirelessly seek out the enslavers of resisting and lovely womanhood and battle to the death with those who would have corrupted our worthy sires—I mean siresses—Souffle!—(he imbibes)—performing astounding and now almost unbelievable feats of valor, felling the vile and rapacious enslaver to the plain and chopping him to bits, leaving us, their humble descendants, little if anything to do save revere and historically represent the marvels which they then performed. (Immense and prolonged cheering. Eight thousand wireless messages are sent forth.) Literature, by their aid, as we all well know, has at last been completely done away with. (Riotous applause.) Profane art in all its forms and all its seductive wiles has long since ceased. (The audience shouts for one hour.) The vile newspapers of ancient days (innumerable swells of booing and cat-calling), wont to chronicle only the private and social vices of unregenerate man, now, thanks to the unremitting toil of those who had only the moral regeneration of the world in view, its true spiritual progress (prolonged and enduring applause), chronicle only the sweet messages of hope and cheer by which we sustain each other in our happy state—Souffle! Souffle! (He dips his head in a pannier. The audience cheers for one hour.) Now we are not troubled with politics, armies, or any vile evidences of commercial strife and contest. (More applause.) Nothing disturbs us in any way! Could we ask more? (Cries of “Hear! Hear!”) As I was saying to those dear creatures who just left, our beloved Eugenic citizens and citizenesses, we need now only concern ourselves with the simple arts of peace and pleasure as we here see manifest in this great assemblage. On you, therefore, more than on any other group which at this time could come before this august Court to testify to the Truth, Peace, Virtue, Sequacity and Docility of our present world-realm, devolves, as lineal descendants of these our great sires, the sweet task of keeping bright the memory of their great deeds. I am sure that you, my dears and dearesses, by maintaining so earnest a stand against all thought of any kind, by persisting in your aversion to moral heresies of all sorts and indeed learning and science in every form, and by your persistent and industrious mutilation and destruction of all profane facts, so long the curse of society (loud cries of “Down with all facts!”), will succeed—I know you will!—in keeping the world as fresh and pure and innocent as on the day it was made. (Cries of “Yes, yes,” and “we will, we will.” Applause for one hour.) Souffle! Souffle! (He is fed.)—Cruel, disturbing thought, that one great curse of humanity in its earlier ages must never be allowed to trouble us again. (Immense applause.) And since, by what processes of hardy non-thinking only our revered ancestors know, profound peace has at last been reached, I caution you, O my fellow-citizens, let not a single irritating disturbing fact ever again impinge upon the sweet idealism and mental slumber which now reigns. Behold our happy Dizzards! (They wiggle their stuffed clubs.) Could any of the so-called and boasted mental processes of former ages have produced them? (They walk on their hands.) And our dear Zanys! (They rattle their wind-bags.) What would our great peaceful Federation be without them? (They beat each other over the head.) Or our graceful Nizys! (They take up wash-boilers of souffle and ladle it right and left solemnly.) The gentility and wholeheartedness of their service! (They playfully pelt each other with cones filled with souffle.) Or our kindly Hoddy-Doddys! (They vault.) What more could humanity desire in the shape of perfect and helpful men? (They leap on each other’s backs and fall gracefully to the floor.) When I contemplate these, and this great audience (profound applause lasting seventeen minutes), and these our assembled cohorts of Virtue, Truth, Justice, Mercy (more applause, lasting one hour), come here from all parts of the known world to testify to the great fundamental truths which have made them so, I—(At this point the great audience rises en masse and cheers for one hour, seventeen and one-half minutes and thirteen seconds. Rival groups of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Anti-White-Slavers, Anti-Vivisectionists, Anti-Contraceptionists, Billysundays, Eugenic Sires, Anti-Saloon Leaguers, Watch and Ward Guards, King’s Daughters, Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, etc., rush forward and seize upon the cages containing the only remaining specimens of Gambler, Saloon-keeper, Predatory Financier, Philosopher, Magdalen, Vivisectionist, Madam, Nietzschean and other early examples of now nearly or quite extinct miscreants or papier-maché representations of the same, and haul them before the Musnud amid the cheering, hee-hawing, cat-calling of the audience. The Zanys, Nizys, Dizzards, Loobies, Hoddy-Doddys, Gaberlunzies and Fuddys, forgetting their regular duties, spin, squeal, play at leap-frog, beat each other with feather-dusters and wind-bags. Various regiments of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Feminists, Professors of Christian Economy, Prohibitionists, Socialists, etc., who have not yet had the privilege of parading and testifying before the Musnud, crowd the entryways, swarm the aisles and so obstruct the peaceful and orderly development of the proceedings of the Court that, in view of this and because ordinarily the proceedings consume from twenty to thirty days anyhow, so great is the anxiety of all to testify to the magnificent progress of the world since vice and crime have been done away with, NOXUS PODUNKUS, now thoroughly awake and after due counsel with the ninety-nine other Moonshees, Savants, Roctor-Proctors, Pundits, Theorists, Zadkiels, Seers, Oracles, Solons, Nestors, Gamaliels, Daniels, etc., also disturbed in their slumbers, decides that, all things considered, and notwithstanding, it were as well if the taking of testimony were to be discontinued for this day, and to this end, after various signs, grunts, squeals, motions to the Zanys, Dizzards, Nizys, Loobies, Hoddy-Doddys, Gaberlunzies, Fuddys, etc., the latter are brought to their senses and through them the audience calmed.)
(It was then that NOXUS PODUNKUS, speaking for the Musnud, announced that the proceedings for this day were hereby ended and that the Court stood adjourned until the following morning at ten o’clock; after which SHISHMASH HASH HASH, as Master of Ceremonies, Chairmaster, etc., led the outgoing throng with a magnificent example of rotary hand-spring motion. At this point, also, owing to lack of space and by reason of the fact that enough is as good as a feast, the humble recording Dramatist quits and the curtain is hereby drawn on this historic scene. For those, however, who desire a fuller report of the same, it may be found in Volumes MMCCCIII, MMMMMMMMCCCLLVI, Proceedings of the Federated Court of Progress [Moline-Emporia-Sedalia Sittings] for the years 3913-’14-’15, NOXUS PODUNKUS presiding; SHISHMASH HASH HASH, Secretary and Master of Ceremonies.)
Curtain.
FOOTNOTE:
[A] J. C. Vogt: “The Nature of Electricity and Magnetism on the Basis of a Simplified Conception of Substance.”
