But This Stuff Does the Job.
Ananias puts one hoof forward in experimental manner, then stops. About this time a brother mule-skinner enters, mouthing a corncob pipe. Says he to the first mule-skinner:
"Whattamatter, Jerry? Don't they budge? Livin' up to orders, be yeh? Aw, wee; way to talk to'm is third person—get me?—third person. None o' this crude 'you' and 'yeze' stuff—same as talking to the Skipper, y'know."
Jerry gets his mouth all fixed to say, "Aw, hell," recovers himself, and then begins: "Will the off animile kindly step at least two paces to the front?" (The mule starts to comply.) "I thank the off mule! Now, will the near mule kindly follow suit?" (It also starts to comply.) "Now, will both the near mule and the off mule be so good as to repeat the process, both pulling together, until requested to desist? Fine; off we go. Good Gawd—good Gawd!"
——
HOW GEORGE ADE SEES WAR.
——
Many Old Adages Must Be Revised
If Germany Wins.
——
As his contribution to the National Security League's campaign of patriotism, George Ade has written a message to our young fighting men. "We must win this war," he contends, "or else revise all moral codes, rewrite all proverbs and adopt a brand new set of rules to govern conduct. If Germany is not licked to a standstill, we might as well begin to memorize and humbly accept the following:
"Dishonesty is the best policy.
"Be as mean as a skunk and you will be happy.
"Blessed are the child murderers, for they shall inherit the earth.
"Be sure you are right handy with fire-arms, then go ahead.
"An evil reputation is better than riches.
"Truth crushed to earth will not rise again if the crushing is done in a superior and efficient manner.
"Be virtuous and you will be miserable.
"Thrice armed is he who goes around picking quarrels.
"Might makes right.
"Hell on earth and hatred for all men.
"Do unto others as you suspect that they might do unto you if they ever got to be as disreputable as you are.
"God helps the man who helps himself to his neighbor's house and his field and his unprotected women.
"These don't sound right, do they?
"The old ones that we learned first of all are not yet out of date.
"Suppose we don't revise them."
——
GLORIFIED.
——
(With apologies to the late Sir W.
S. Gilbert.)
——
When I was a lad I served a term
In a military school—how it made me squirm!
I wore a shako, and a lot of braid.
And I startled fire horses when on dress parade;
But they took all glory away from me
As a second lieut. a-wearing of my plain O. D.
When I went to college, I was gayly clad
In a sporty costume made of shepherd's plaid;
I tried pink neckties and vermillion socks,
And when I went out walking, I set back the clocks.
But when I took Uncle Sam's degree
I was nothing but a second lieut. in plain O. D.
In business, too, I made quite a splurge
In a nobby garment made of ultra-serge;
With rings and watchfob and a stickpin, too,
I could show all the dandies of the town a few—
So think what a comedown 'twas for me
As a second lieut. a-wearing of my plain O. D.
But now, however, they have gone so far
As to place on my shoulderstrap a neat gold bar,
And they've sewn a dido on my overcoat,
Which, while it lends distinction, nearly gets my goat;
So now, at last, you can plainly see
I'm a second lieut. no longer clad in plain O. D.!
I'm proud, believe me, of those new gold bars—
I wouldn't swap 'em for the General's stars;
And the little stripe upon my blouse's sleeve
Means that nevermore for splendor shall my young soul grieve,—
For bars and braid, you can plainly see,
Make an awful lot of difference on plain O. D.!
——
THE PASSING OF THE CAMPAIGN HAT.
——
"The campaign hat is going; 'twill soon be tres passé—
The winds of war got under it and blew it far away;
The General (he who owned it) cussed, as Generals sometimes do:
"Get us," he cried, "a hat to stick; with this blank kind I'm through!"
His orderly picked up the hat, all battered, torn and frayed,
"Quite right," he ruminated, "you won't do for parade;
Yet, good old lid, you've got your place—perhaps not over here,
[But there are regions in the States that hold your memory dear."]
"The shadow of your ugly shape has blacked the Western plains;
It brought relief to border towns all soaked with tropic rains;
The sight of you, at column's head, made redskins turn and flee,—
O'er barren land you've led the van that fights for Liberty.
The Filipino knows you; his protection you have meant,
And the wily Pancho Villa never dared to try and dent
The contour of your homely crown or chip your wobbly brim,—
You, old chapeau, spelt business; and that left no room for him!
"From far Alaska's ice-bound coast to Porto Rico's strand,
You've kept the sun and rain and sleet from Uncle Sam'yal's band;
You've stood for no blame nonsense, and you've brooked no talking back,
And cleaner towns and cities fair have sprung up in your track.
You—what's the use?—you've been there since the days of 'Ninety-Eight—
You've weathered twenty years of squalls—and now you get the gate!
But you're too good a soldier, old dip, to cuss or cry;
[So—(there he heaved it into space)—goodby, old hat; goodby!"]
——
OVER THE TOP THREE WAYS.
——
Feet, Tank and Plane Tried by this
U. S. Officer—Ready for Next.
——
If they ever invent a new way of going over the top, there's one American officer who will probably be on hand to try the new wrinkle. The French Government has decorated him with the Croix de Guerre for going over the sacks in every way known to date.
First, he went over with the French infantry in an attack last spring. Though detailed as an observer, and not required to take too many chances, the officer was one of the first wave to cross No Man's Land. He stayed with his unit until the objective was gained, and when it had to fall back before a heavy counter-attack he fell back fighting with it.
Some weeks later he went over the top in a tank. He followed that trip a few days later by an aeroplane observation flight. For the greater part of an afternoon the plane cruised up and down a German sector watching the effect of big French shells on concrete defences.
The Boche anti-aircraft guns made it warm for the American flier, but he was still an enthusiastic aviator when the plane came to a successful landing on its own field at dusk.
——
WHERE HE GETS OFF.
——
(A sample letter).
France, January, 1918.
I. Rookum, Gents' Tailor, U. S. A.
"Dear Sir:—
"Your interesting advertisement of spring styles for young men, knobby clothes for business wear, and so forth, just received.
"While I appreciate your thinking of me, I am glad to say I have changed my tailor, and will not require your services until peace is declared.
["U. S. & Co. are now supplying me] with some very nifty suitings of khaki, which I find best adapted to my present line of business. They don't get shiny in the seat of the trousers—for the simple reason that I never have time to sit down.
"They are also supplying me with headwear, their latest in that line being a derby-like affair with a stiff steel crown, which affords me better protection against the elements and the shrapnel than anything any civilian hatter has furnished me.
"Thanking you for past favors, and hoping to see you on the dock when the transport pulls in a couple of years from now, I remain,
"Yours truly,
"I. Don't Needum, Pvt., A. E. F."
——
TWO SAMARITANS IN SKIRTS.
——
In the Modern Parable, They Aid
a Poilu Chauffeur.
——
The woman motorcar driver has made her appearance in the zone of the army. A few of them are driving big motor trucks for the Y.M.C.A. and are making good at the job.
During a recent heavy snowstorm, two trucks driven by young women were sliding along a winding road carrying supplies to a hut from a depot when they came upon a big French lorry stalled in a ditch. The French soldier in charge was tinkering with the engine, having stalled it while trying to pull into the road again. He wasn't having much success.
Both the women, garbed in short skirts, high and heavy leather boots, and woolen caps that pulled down well over their ears, climbed down from their seats and between them first managed to get the engine in the stalled lorry started, and then one of them took her place behind the wheel and by skilful manœuvring brought all four wheels to the road.
The Frenchman stood to one side during the whole of the operation and watched the women with astonishment.
WELLS FARGO & CO.
4 RUE SCRIBE, PARIS
Head Office: 51 Broadway, NEW YORK
Take pleasure in announcing to the
AMERICAN AND BRITISH EXPEDITIONARY FORCES
that the great French Bank, the
SOCIÉTÉ GÉNÉRALE
has very kindly agreed to act as
WELLS FARGO'S CORRESPONDENT THROUGHOUT FRANCE
Cable and mail transfers of money to all parts of America may be made through Wells Fargo by calling at the Société Générale.
Deposit accounts with Wells Fargo, Paris, may be opened at the Société Générale.
SOCIÉTÉ GÉNÉRALE has Branches at:—
AMIENS
ANGERS
ARCACHON
AUXONNE
BAR-LE-DUC
BESANCON
BORDEAUX
BOURGES
BREST
CHALONS-SUR-MARNE
CHATEAUROUX
CHAUMONT
DIJON
EPINAL
FONTAINEBLEAU
IS-SUR-TILLE
ISSOUDUN
LANGRES
LA ROCHELLE
LIMOGES
MIRECOURT
NANTES
NEUFCHATEAU
NEVERS
RENNES
ROMORANTIN
ROUEN
SAINT NAZAIRE
SAUMUR
TOUL
TOURS
TROYES
VALREAS
VIERZON
and many others.
Circulars giving full explanation of WELLS FARGO'S Banking Facilities in France may be obtained at the Branches of the Société Générale.
TO FLASH THE HOUR
BY ARMY WIRES.
——
New A. E. F. Lines Will
Insure U. S. Well-Set
Time Pieces.
——
Correct time is now being transmitted to the A. E. F. over its own system of telegraph lines. Formerly field wireless stations each day at a certain hour picked from the air figures flashed from Paris by which the clocks of the array were synchronized. This method did not insure absolute accuracy.
Each day at eleven o'clock a simultaneous signal is sent to every station so that through the existing zone, and at the front as well, clocks and watches show the same time. This synchronization is desirable under present conditions and it is an absolute necessity with troops at the front when, for instance, orders may specify that some operation is to be carried out at one point at a certain time and another operation at another point at another time. The success of both operations may depend upon whether they are launched on the second.
Miles upon miles of telegraph wires strung on poles labeled "U. S. A." now stretch through France. They may be found running to base ports, zigzagging through the instruction zone over hills, through a valley, along a roadside. On some of the poles there are double cross-beams supporting in many cases as many as ten wires. There is a complete system of operators and central exchanges as well as a considerable force of linemen and repairmen, quite a number of whom worked for telephone and telegraph companies in the United States before the war began. The "service" leaves little, if anything, to be desired.
——
HOW THEY SPOT US.
——
"Madame, where in this town can one get a drink, s'il vous plait?"
"Ah! I can see that M. l'Americain comes from the State of Maine!"
——
TRY POTATO BUGS IN BOMBS.
——
An Ohio Man's Suggestion on How
to Win the War.
——
The war will soon be over. An Ohio man will end it. He has suggested to U.S. Marine Corps officials in Washington that they direct their aviators to drop potato bugs over Germany. He declares there are no potato bugs in the Kaiser's realm, and since the "spud" is absolutely essential to Germany's economic welfare, the dropping of "Murphy destroyers" over the Rhine country would quickly terminate hostilities. Simple, isn't it? Marine Corps officials think so.
A BRITISH BANK CONDUCTED ON BRITISH LINES.
LLOYDS BANK (FRANCE) &
NATIONAL PROVINCIAL BANK (FRANCE)
LIMITED.
3, PLACE DE L'OPÉRA, PARIS.
General Banking Business.
Foreign Exchange and Transfers.
Branches {
BIARRITZ: 10, Place de la Liberté.
BORDEAUX: 23, Allées de Chartres.
HAVRE: 1, Rue de la Bourse.
NICE: 6, Jardin du Roi Albert Premier.
LONDON OFFICE: 60, LOMBARD STREET, E.C.3.
AMERICAN UNIVERSITY UNION IN EUROPE
8, RUE DE RICHELIEU, PARIS
(Royal Palace Hotel)
OBJECTS—The general object of the Union is to meet the needs of American university and college men and their friends who are in Europe for military or other service in the cause of the Allies.
It provides at moderate cost a home with the privileges of a simple club for these men when passing through Paris on a furlough.
It aids institutions, parents or friends to secure information about college men, reporting on casualties, visiting the sick and wounded, giving advice, and in general serving as means of communication between those at home and their relatives in service.
MEMBERSHIP—The Union is supported by annual fees paid by the colleges and universities of America, all the students and alumni of which, whether graduates or not, are thereby entitled, WITHOUT PAYMENT OF ANY DUES, to the general privileges of the Union, and may call upon the Union in person or by mail to render them any reasonable service.
HEADQUARTERS—On October 20, 1917, the Union took over as its Paris headquarters the Royal Palace Hotel, of which it has the exclusive use. This centrally located hotel is one block from the Louvre and the Palais Royal station of the Metro., from which all parts of the city may be reached quickly and cheaply.
PRIVILEGES—The Union offers at reasonable rates both single and double bed-rooms, with or without bath. There is hot and cold running water in all rooms, which are well heated. Room reservations should be made in advance whenever possible, as only 100 men can be accommodated. The restaurant serves excellent meals both to roomers and to transients.
The Lounge Room is supplied with all the leading American newspapers, magazines and college publications. The rapidly growing Library on the first floor provides fiction and serious reading, both French and English, as well as a large number of valuable reference books on the war and other subjects.
Stationery is provided in the Writing Room on the ground floor. A Canteen in the Lobby carries cigarettes and tobacco, toilet articles, candies, and a variety of other useful things. An Information Bureau is maintained in the Union Offices on the Entresol.
Frequent entertainments and concerts are given. Afternoon tea is served every Saturday, at which some American lady acts as hostess.
REGISTRATION—The Union keeps an accurate index of all men who register at its Paris headquarters or at its London Branch, 16, Pall Mall East, S.W.1. It is anxious to get in touch with all college and university men in Europe, who are therefore urged to register by MAIL, giving name, college, class, European address and name and address of nearest relative at home.
AMERICA'S BEST MEDICOS
AT WORK FOR THE A. E. F.
——
Incomes of Specialists in the Overseas Command
Would Total Enough to Pay off the
National Debt.
——
If the incomes of all the well-known American specialists who have come to France to look after the health of the A.E.F. troops were lumped together they would be enough to pay off the national debt of the country and then leave sufficient to satisfy a camp store-keeper.
This is no pipe dream or a simple newspaper yarn, but the plain truth. Some of the medicos from the United States have given up earnings of such big figures they should only be mentioned kneeling. Where they gathered in half a million at home yearly, they are accepting a major's [three thousand and service allowance, in order to see that] Bill Jones from Kankakee or Sam Smith from Pleasantville has the proper treatment for warts in his stomach or barnacles on his thinking apparatus.
Ward in an A.E.F. Hospital, Showing Some of the First to Pay a Visit to "Blighty."
In addition to separating themselves from large wads of coin and all the comforts of home, they have brought over the staffs of their various hospitals, who know all their funny ways of operating, from how best to cut a man loose from his appendix to painless extraction of the bankroll. They have also brought along all their collections of patent knives and scissors, the only thing they left behind being the doctors' bills that would take a year's service as a doughboy to meet the first instalment.