ACTUS QUARTUS, SCAENA PRIMA.
MENDACIO, ANAMNESTES, HEURESIS.
MEN. Prythee, Nam, be persuaded: is't not better to go to a feast, than stay here for a fray?
ANA. A feast? dost think Auditus will make the judges a feast?
MEN. Faith, ay. Why should he carry them to his house else?
ANA. Why, sirrah, to hear a set or two of songs: 'slid, his banquets are nothing but fish, all sol, sol, sol.[275] I'll teach thee wit, boy; never go thee to a musician's house for junkets, unless thy stomach lies in thine ears; for there is nothing but commending this song's delicate air, that ode's dainty air, this sonnet's sweet air, that madrigal's melting air, this dirge's mournful air: this church air, that chamber air: French air, English air, Italian air. Why, lad, they be pure camelions; they feed only upon air.
MEN. Camelions? I'll be sworn some of your fiddlers be rather camels, for by their good wills they will never leave eating.
ANA. True, and good reason, for they do nothing all the day but stretch and grate their small guts. But, O, yonder's the ape Heuresis; let me go, I prythee.
MEN. Nay, good-now, stay a little, let's see his humour.
HEU. I see no reason to the contrary, for we see the quintessence of wine will convert water into wine; why therefore should not the elixir of gold turn lead into pure gold? [Soliloquises.]
MEN. Ha, ha, ha, ha! He is turned chemic, sirrah; it seems so by his talk.
HEU. But how shall I devise to blow the fire of beechcoals with a continual and equal blast? ha? I will have my bellows driven with a wheel, which wheel shall be a self-mover.
ANA. Here's old turning[276]; these chemics, seeking to turn lead into gold, turn away all their own silver.
HEU. And my wheel shall be geometrically proportioned into seven or nine concave encircled arms, wherein I will put equal poises: ay, ay; [Greek: heureka, heureka] I have it, I have it, I have it.
MEN. Heuresis!
HEU. But what's best to contain the quicksilver, ha?
ANA. Do you remember your promise, Heuresis?
HEU. It must not be iron; for quicksilver is the tyrant of metals, and will soon fret it.
ANA. Heuresis? Heuresis?
HEU. Nor brass, nor copper, nor mastlin[277], nor mineral: [Greek: heureka, heureka] I have it, I have it, it must be—
ANA. You have, indeed, sirrah, and thus much more than you looked for.
[Snap.
[HEURESIS and ANAMNESTES about to fight,
but MENDACIO parts them.
MEN. You shall not fight; but if you will always disagree, let us have words and no blows. Heuresis, what reason have you to fall out with him?
HEU. Because he is always abusing me, and takes the upper hand of me everywhere.
ANA. And why not, sirrah? I am thy better in any place.
HEU. Have I been the author of the seven liberal sciences, and consequently of all learning, have I been the patron of all mechanical devices, to be thy inferior? I tell thee, Anamnestes, thou hast not so much as a point, but thou art beholding to me for it.
ANA. Good, good; but what had your invention been, but for my remembrance? I can prove that thou, belly-sprung invention, art the most improfitable member in the world; for ever since thou wert born, thou hast been a bloody murderer; and thus I prove it: In the quiet years of Saturn (I remember Jupiter was then but in his swathe-bands), thou rentest the bowels of the earth, and broughtest gold to light, whose beauty, like Helen, set all the world by the ears. Then, upon that, thou foundest out iron, and puttest weapons in their hands, and now in the last populous age thou taughtest a scabshin friar the hellish invention of powder and guns.
HEU. Call'st it hellish? thou liest! It is the admirablest invention of all others, for whereas others imitate nature, this excels nature herself.
MEM. True; for a cannon will kill as many at one shot as thunder doth commonly at twenty.
ANA. Therefore more murdering art thou than the light-bolt[278].
HEU. But to show the strength of my conceit, I have found out a means to withstand the stroke of the most violent culverin. Mendacio, thou saw'st it, when I demonstrated the invention.
ANA. What, some woolpacks or mud walls, or such like?
HEU. Mendacio, I prythee tell it him, for I love not to be a trumpeter of mine own praises.
MEN. I must needs confess this device to pass all that ever I heard or saw, and thus it was—first he takes a falcon, and charges it (without all deceits) with dry powder well-camphired[279], then did he put in a single bullet, and a great quantity of drop-shot both round and lachrymal. This done, he sets me a boy sixty paces off, just point blank over against the mouth of the piece. Now in the very midst of the direct line he fastens a post, upon which he hangs me in a cord a siderite of Herculean stone[280].
ANA. Well, well, I know it well, it was found out in Ida, in the year of the world —— by one Magnes, whose name it retains, though vulgarly they call it the Adamant.
MEN. When he had hanged this adamant in a cord, he comes back, and gives fire to the touchhole: now the powder consumed to a void vacuum—
HEU. Which is intolerable in nature, for first shall the whole machine of the world, heaven, earth, sea, and air, return to the misshapen house of Chaos, than the least vacuum be found in the universe.
MEN. The bullet and drop-shot flew most impetuously from the fiery throat of the culverin; but, O, strange, no sooner came they near the adamant in the cord, but they were all arrested by the serjeant of nature, and hovered in the air round about it, till they had lost the force of their motion, clasping themselves close to the stone in most lovely manner, and not any one flew to endanger the mark; so much did they remember their duty to nature, that they forgot the errand they were sent of.
ANA. This is a very artificial lie.
MEN. Nam, believe it, for I saw it, and which is more, I have practised this device often. Once when I had a quarrel with one of my lady Veritas' naked knaves, and had 'ppointed him the field, I conveyed into the heart of my buckler an adamant, and when we met, I drew all the foins of his rapier, whithersoever he intended them, or howsoever I guided mine arm, pointed still to the midst of my buckler, so that by this means I hurt the knave mortally, and myself came away untouched, to the wonder of all the beholders.
ANA. Sirrah, you speak metaphorically, because thy wit, Mendacio, always draws men's objections to thy forethought excuses.
HEU. Anamnestes, 'tis true, and I have an addition to this, which is to make the bullet shot from the enemy to return immediately upon the gunner. But let all these pass, and say the worst thou canst against me.
ANA. I say, guns were found out for the quick despatch of mortality; and when thou sawest men grow wise, and beget so fair a child as Peace of so foul and deformed a mother as War, lest there should be no murder, thou devisedst poison.
MEN. Nay, fie, Nam, urge him not too far.
ANA. And last and worst, thou foundest out cookery, that kills more than weapons, guns, wars, or poisons, and would destroy all, but that thou invented'st physic, that helps to make away some.
HEU. But, sirrah, besides all this, I devised pillories for such forging villains as thyself.
ANA. Call'st me villain?
[They fight, and are parted by MENDACIO.
MEN. You shall not fight as long as I am here. Give over, I say.
HEU. Mendacio, you offer me great wrong to hold me: in good faith,
I shall fall out with you.
MEN. Away, away, away; you are Invention, are you not?
HEU. Yes, sir; what then?
MEN. And you Remembrance?
ANA. Well, sir, well?
MEN. Then I will be Judicium, the moderator betwixt you, and make you both friends; come, come, shake hands, shake hands.
HEU. Well, well, if you will needs have it so.
ANA. I am in some sort content.
[MENDACIO walks with them, holding them by the hands.
MEN. Why, this is as it should be; when Mendacio hath Invention on the one hand, and Remembrance on the other, as he'll be sure never to be found with truth in his mouth, so he scorns to be taken in a lie. Eh, eh, eh, my fine wags? Whist!
[COMMUNIS SENSUS and the rest are seen to approach.]
ANA. Whist!
HEU. Whist!
SCAENA SECUNDA.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORY, PHANTASTES, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES, take their places on the bench as before, AUDITUS on the stage, a page before him, bearing his target, the field Sable, a heart Or; next him TRAGEDUS apparelled in black velvet, fair buskins, a falchion, &c.; then COMEDUS, in a light-coloured green taffeta robe, silk stockings, pumps, gloves, &c.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORY, PHANTASTES, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES, &c.
COM. SEN. They had some reason that held the soul a harmony, for it is greatly delighted with music; how fast we were tied by the ears to the consort of Voice's power! but all is but a little pleasure; what profitable objects hath he?
PHA. Your ears will teach you presently, for now he is coming. That fellow in the bays, methinks I should have known him; O, 'tis Comedus, 'tis so; but he has become nowadays something humorous, and too-too satirical up and down, like his great grandfather Aristophanes.
ANA. These two, my lord, Comedus and Tragedus,
My fellows both, both twins, but so unlike,
As birth to death, wedding to funeral.
For this, that rears himself in buskins quaint,
Is pleasant at the first, proud in the midst,
Stately in all, and bitter death at end.
That in the pumps doth frown at first acquaintance,
Trouble in the midst, but in the end concludes,
Closing up all with a sweet catastrophe.
This grave and sad, distain'd with brinish tears;
That light and quick with wrinkled laughter[281] painted;
This deals with nobles, kings, and emperors,
Full of great fears, great hopes, great enterprises.
This other trades with men of mean condition:
His projects small, small hopes, and dangers little.
This gorgeous-broider'd with rich sentences:
That fair and purfled round with merriments.
Both vice detect and virtue beautify,
By being death's mirror, and life's looking-glass.
COM[282]. Salutem primum jam a principio propitiam.
Mihi atque vobis, spectatores, nuntio[283]—
PHA. Pish, pish, this is a speech with no action; let's hear Terence, Quid igitur faciam, &c.
COM. _Quid igitur faciam? non eam? ne nunc quidem,
Cum arcessor ultro?[284]
PHA. Fie, fie, fie, no more action! lend me your bays, do it thus—Quid igitur, &c. [He acts it after the old kind of pantomimic action.
COM. SEN. I should judge this action, Phantastes, most absurd, unless we should come to a comedy, as gentlewomen to the Commencement[285], only to see men speak.
PHA. In my imagination, 'tis excellent; for in this kind the hand, you know, is harbinger to the tongue, and provides the words a lodging in the ears of the auditors.
COM. SEN. Auditus, it is now time you make us acquainted with the quality of the house you keep in, for our better help in judgment.
AUD. Upon the sides of fair mount Cephalon
Have I two houses passing human skill:
Of finest matter by Dame Nature wrought,
Whose learned fingers have adorn'd the same
With gorgeous porches of so strange a form,
That they command the passengers to stay.
The doors whereof in hospitality
Nor day nor night are shut, but, open wide,
Gently invite all comers; whereupon
They are named the open ears of Cephalon.
But lest some bolder sound should boldly rush,
And break the nice composure of the work,
The skilful builder wisely hath enrang'd
An entry from each port with curious twines
And crook'd meanders, like the labyrinth
That Daedalus fram'd t'enclose the Minotaur;
At th'end whereof is plac'd a costly portal,
Resembling much the figure of a drum,
Granting slow entrance to a private closet.
Where daily, with a mallet in my hand,
I set and frame all words and sounds that come
Upon an anvil, and so make them fit
For the periwinkling porch[286], that winding leads
From my close chamber to your lordship's cell.
Thither do I, chief justice of all accents,
Psyche's next porter, Microcosm's front,
Learning's rich treasure, bring discipline,
Reason's discourse, knowledge of foreign states,
Loud fame of great heroes' virtuous deeds;
The marrow of grave speeches, and the flowers
Of quickest wits, neat jests, and pure conceits;
And oftentimes, to ease the heavy burthen
Of government your lordship's shoulders bear,
I thither do conduce the pleasing nuptials
Of sweetest instruments with heavenly noise.
If then Auditus have deserv'd the best,
Let him be dignified before the rest.
COM. SEN. Auditus, I am almost a sceptic in this matter, scarce knowing which way the balance of the cause will decline. When I have heard the rest, I will despatch judgment; meanwhile, you may depart.
[AUDITUS leads his show about the stage, and then goes out.
SCAENA TERTIA.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, MEMORIA, PHANTASTES, ANAMNESTES, HEURESIS, as before; OLFACTUS in a garment of several flowers, a page before him, bearing his target, his field Vert, a hound Argent, two boys with casting-bottles[287], and two censers with incense[288], another with a velvet cushion stuck with flowers, another with a basket of herbs, another with a box of ointment. OLFACTUS leads them about, and, making obeisance, presents them before the Bench.
1ST BOY. Your only way to make a good pomander[289] is this:—Take an ounce of the purest garden mould, cleansed and steeped seven days in change of motherless rosewater; then take the best ladanum, benzoine, both storaxes, ambergris, civet, and musk: incorporate them together, and work them into what form you please. This, if your breath be not too valiant, will make you smell as sweet as my lady's dog.
PHA. This boy, it should seem, represents Odour, he is so perfect a perfumer.
ODOUR. I do, my lord, and have at my command
The smell of flowers and odoriferous drugs,
Of ointments sweet and excellent perfumes,
And courtlike waters, which if once you smell,
You in your heart would wish, as I suppose,
That all your body were transform'd to nose.
PHA. Olfactus, of all the Senses, your objects have the worst luck; they are always jarring with their contraries; for none can wear civet, but they are suspected of a proper bad scent[290]; whence the proverb springs, He smelleth best, that doth of nothing smell.