SCAENA QUARTA.
The Bench and OLFACTUS, as before. TOBACCO, apparelled in a taffeta mantle, his arms brown and naked, buskins made of the peeling of osiers, his neck bare, hung with Indian leaves, his face brown, painted with blue stripes, in his nose swines' teeth, on his head a painted wicker crown with tobacco-pipes set in it, plumes of tobacco leaves, led by two Indian boys naked, with tapers in their hands, tobacco-boxes, and pipes lighted.
PHA. Foh, foh, what a smell is here! Is this one of your delightful objects?
OLF. It is your only scent in request, sir.
COM. SEN. What fiery fellow is that, which smokes so much in the mouth?
OLF. It is the great and puissant God of Tobacco.
TOB. Ladoch guevarroh pufuer shelvaro baggon,
Olfia di quanon, Indi cortilo vraggon.
PHA. Ha, ha, ha, ha! this, in my opinion, is the tongue of the
Antipodes.
MEM. No, I remember it very well, it was the language the Arcadians spake that lived long before the moon.
COM. SEN. What signifies it, Olfactus?
OLF. This is the mighty Emperor Tobacco, king of Trinidado, that, in being conquered, conquered all Europe, in making them pay tribute for their smoke.
TOB. Erfronge inglues conde hesingo,
Develin floscoth ma pu cocthingo.
OLF. Expeller of catarrhs, banisher of all agues, your guts' only salve for the green wounds of a non-plus.
TOB. All vulcam vercu, I parda pora si de gratam, ka famala mora, che
Bauho respartera, quirara.
OLF. Son to the god Vulcan and Tellus, kin to the father of mirth, called Bacchus.
TOB. Viscardonok, pillostuphe, pascano tinaromagas,
Pagi dagon stollisinfe, carocibato scribas.
OLF. Genius of all swaggerers, professed enemy to physicians, sweet ointment for sour teeth, firm knot of good fellowship, adamant of company, swift wind to spread the wings of time, hated of none but those that know him not, and of so great deserts that, whoso is acquainted with him can hardly forsake him.
PHA. It seems these last words were very significant. I promise you, a god of great denomination; he may be my Lord Tappes for his large titles[291].
COM. SEN. But forward, Olfactus, as they have done before you, with your description?
OLF. Just in the midst of Cephalon's round face,
As 'twere a frontispiece unto the hill,
Olfactus' lodging built in figure long,
Doubly disparted with two precious vaults,
The roofs whereof most richly are enclos'd
With orient pearls and sparkling diamonds
Beset at th'end with emerauds and turchis[292],
And rubies red and flaming chrysolites,
At upper end whereof, in costly manner,
I lay my head between two spongeous pillows,
Like fair Adonis 'twixt the paps of Venus,
Where I, conducting in and out the wind,
Daily examine all the air inspir'd
By my pure searching, if that it be pure,
And fit to serve the lungs with lively breath:
Hence do I likewise minister perfume
Unto the neighbour brain—perfumes of force
To cleanse your head, and make your fancy bright,
To refine wit and sharp[293] invention,
And strengthen memory: from whence it came,
That old devotion incense did ordain
To make man's spirit more apt for things divine.
Besides a thousand more commodities,
In lieu whereof your lordships I request,
Give me the crown, if I deserve it best.
[OLFACTUS leads his company about the stage, and goes out.
SCAENA QUINTA.
The Bench as before. A page with a shield Argent, an ape proper with an apple; then GUSTUS with a cornucopia in his hand. BACCHUS in a garland of leaves and grapes, a white suit, and over it a thin sarcenet to his foot, in his hand a spear wreathed with vine leaves, on his arm a target with a tiger. CERES with a crown of ears of corn, in a yellow silk robe, a bunch of poppy in her hand, a scutcheon charged with a dragon.
COM. SEN. In good time, Gustus. Have you brought your objects?
GUS. My servant Appetitus followeth with them.
APP. Come, come, Bacchus, you are so fat; enter, enter.
PHA. Fie, fie, Gustus! this is a great indecorum to bring Bacchus alone; you should have made Thirst lead him by the hand.
GUS. Right, sir; but men nowadays drink often when they be not dry; besides, I could not get red herrings and dried neats' tongues enough to apparel him in.
COM. SEN. What, never a speech of him?
GUS. I put an octave of iambics in his mouth, and he hath drunk it down.
APP. Well done, muscadine and eggs stand hot. What, buttered claret? go thy way, thou hadst best; for blind men that cannot see how wickedly thou look'st—How now, what small, thin fellow are you here? ha?
BOY. Beer, forsooth: Beer, forsooth.
APP. Beer forsooth, get you gone to the buttery, till I call for you; you are none of Bacchus's attendants, I am sure; he cannot endure the smell of malt. Where's Ceres? O, well, well, is the march-pane broken? Ill luck, ill luck! Come hang't, never stand to set it together again. Serve out fruit there.
[Enter boys with a banquet, marmalade, sweets, &c.; deliver it round among the gentlewomen, and go out.]
What, do you come with roast-meat after apples? Away with it. Digestion, serve out cheese. What, but a pennyworth! It is just the measure of his nose that sold it! Lamb's wool, the meekest meat in the world; 'twill let any man fleece it. Snapdragon there!
MEM. O, I remember this dish well: it was first invented by Pluto, to entertain Proserpina withal.
PHA. I think not so, Memory; for when Hercules had killed the flaming dragon of Hesperia with the apples of that orchard, he made this fiery meat; in memory whereof he named it Snapdragon.
COM. SEN. Gustus, let's hear your description?
GUS. Near to the lowly base of Cephalon,
My house is plac'd not much unlike a cave:
Yet arch'd above by wondrous workmanship,
With hewen stones wrought smoother and more fine
Than jet or marble fair from Iceland brought.
Over the door directly doth incline
A fair percullis of compacture strong,
To shut out all that may annoy the state
Or health of Microcosm; and within
Is spread a long board like a pliant tongue,
At which I hourly sit, and trial take
Of meats and drinks needful and delectable:
Twice every day do I provision make
For the sumptuous kitchen of the commonwealth;
Which, once well-boil'd, is soon distributed
To all the members, well refreshing them
With good supply of strength-renewing food.
Should I neglect this nursing[294] diligence,
The body of the realm would ruinate;
Yourself, my lord, with all your policies
And wondrous wit, could not preserve yourself:
Nor you, Phantastes; nor you, Memory.
Psyche herself, were't not that I repair
Her crazy house with props of nourishment,
Would soon forsake us: for whose dearest sake
Many a grievous pain have I sustain'd
By bitter pills and sour purgations;
Which if I had not valiantly abiden,
She had been long ere this departed.
Since the whole Microcosm I maintain,
Let me, as Prince, above the Senses reign.
COM. SEN. The reasons you urge, Gustus, breed a new doubt, whether it be commodious or necessary, the resolution whereof I refer to your judgment, licensing you meanwhile to depart.
[GUSTUS leads his show about the stage, and goes out.
SCAENA SEXTA.
The Bench as before; TACTUS, a page before him
bearing his scutcheon, a tortoise Sable.
TAC. Ready anon, forsooth! the devil she will!
Who would be toil'd with wenches in a show?
COM. SEN. Why in such anger, Tactus? what's the matter?
TAC. My lord, I had thought, as other Senses did,
By sight of objects to have prov'd my worth;
Wherefore considering that, of all the things
That please me most, women are counted chief,
I had thought to have represented in my show
The queen of pleasure, Venus and her son,
Leading a gentleman enamoured
With his sweet touching of his mistress' lips,
And gentle griping of her tender hands,
And divers pleasant relishes of touch,
Yet all contained in the bounds of chastity.
PHA. Tactus, of all I long to see your objects;
How comes it we have lost those pretty sports?
TAC. Thus 'tis: five hours ago I set a dozen maids to attire a boy like a nice gentlewoman; but there is such doing with their looking-glasses, pinning, unpinning, setting, unsetting, formings and conformings; painting blue veins and cheeks; such stir with sticks and combs, cascanets, dressings, purls, falls, squares, busks, bodies, scarfs, necklaces, carcanets, rebatoes, borders, tires, fans, palisadoes, puffs, ruffs, cuffs, muffs, pusles, fusles, partlets, frislets, bandlets, fillets, crosslets, pendulets, amulets, annulets, bracelets, and so many lets, that yet she's scarce dressed to the girdle; and now there is such calling for fardingales, kirtles, busk-points, shoe-ties, &c., that seven pedlars' shops—nay, all Stourbridge fair, will scarce furnish her. A ship is sooner rigged by far, than a gentlewoman made ready.
PHA. 'Tis strange that women, being so mutable,
Will never change in changing their apparel.
COM. SEN. Well, let them pass; Tactus, we are content
To know your dignity by relation.
TAC. The instrument of instruments, the hand,
Courtesy's index, chamberlain to nature,
The body's soldier, and mouth's caterer,
Psyche's great secretary, the dumb's eloquence,
The blind man's candle, and his forehead's buckler,
The minister of wrath, and friendship's sign,
This is my instrument: nevertheless my power
Extends itself far as our queen commands,
Through all the parts and climes of Microcosm.
I am the root of life, spreading my virtue
By sinews, that extend from head to foot
To every living part.
For as a subtle spider, closely sitting
In centre of her web that spreadeth round,
If the least fly but touch the smallest thread,
She feels it instantly; so doth myself,
Casting my slender nerves and sundry nets
O'er every particle of all the body,
By proper skill perceive the difference
Of several qualities, hot, cold, moist, and dry;
Hard, soft, rough, smooth, clammy, and slippery:
Sweet pleasure and sharp pain profitable,
That makes us (wounded) seek for remedy.
By these means do I teach the body fly
From such bad things as may endanger it.
A wall of brass can be no more defence
Unto a town than I to Microcosm.
Tell me what Sense is not beholden to me?
The nose is hot or cold, the eyes do weep,
The ears do feel, the taste's a kind of touching:
Thus, when I please, I can command them all,
And make them tremble, when I threaten them.
I am the eldest and biggest of all the rest,
The chiefest note and first distinction
Betwixt a living tree and living beast;
For though one hear and see, and smell and taste,
If he wants touch, he is counted but a block.
Therefore, my lord, grant me the royalty;
Of whom there is such great necessity.
COM. SEN. Tactus, stand aside. You, sirrah Anamnestes, tell the Senses we expect their appearance.
ANA. At your lordship's pleasure.
[Exit ANAMNESTES.
SCAENA SEPTIMA.
COMMUNIS SENSUS, PHANTASTES, MEMORIA, HEURESIS, ANAMNESTES, _upon the Bench consulting among themselves. _VISUS, AUDITUS, TACTUS, GUSTUS, and OLFACTUS, every one with his shield upon his arm. LINGUA, and MENDACIO with them.
COM. SEN. Though you deserve no small punishment for these uproars, yet at the request of these my assistants I remit it; and by the power of judgment our gracious sovereign Psyche hath given me, thus I determine of your controversies: hum! By your former objects, instruments and reasons, I conceive the state of sense to be divided into two parts; one of commodity, the other of necessity; both which are either for our queen or for our country; but as the soul is more excellent than the body, so are the Senses that profit the soul to be estimated before those that are needful for the body. Visus and Auditus, serve yourselves. Master Register, give me the crown; because it is better to be well, than simply to be, therefore I judge the crown by right to belong to you of the commodity's part, and the robe to you of the necessity's side: and since you, Visus, are the author of invention, and you, Auditus, of increase and addition to the same, seeing it is more excellent to invent than to augment, I establish you, Visus, the better of the two, and chief of all the rest: in token whereof I bestow upon you this crown, to wear at your liberty.
VIS. I most humbly thank your lordships.
COM. SEN. But lest I should seem to neglect you, Auditus, I here choose you to be the lord intelligencer to Psyche her majesty: and you, Olfactus, we bestow upon you the chief priesthood of Microcosm, perpetually to offer incense in her majesty's temple. As for you, Tactus, upon your reasons alleged I bestow upon you the robe.
TAC. I accept it most gratefully at your just hands, and will wear it in the dear remembrance of your good lordship.
COM. SEN. And lastly, Gustus, we elect you Psyche's only taster, and great purveyor for all her dominions both by sea and land, in her realm of Microcosm.
GUS. We thank your lordship, and rest well content with equal arbitrament.
COM. SEN. Now for you, Lingua.
LIN. I beseech your honour, let me speak; I will neither trouble the company, nor offend your patience.
COM. SEN. I cannot stay so long; we have consulted about you, and find your cause to stand upon these terms and conditions. The number of the Senses in this world is answerable to the first[295] bodies in the great world: now, since there be but fire in the universe, the four elements and the pure substance of the heavens, therefore there can be but five Senses in our Microcosm, correspondent to those; as the sight to the heavens, hearing to the air, touching to the earth, smelling to the fire, tasting to the water, by which five means only the understanding is able to apprehend the knowledge of all corporeal substances: wherefore we judge you to be no sense simply: only thus much we from henceforth pronounce, that all women for your sake shall have six senses—that is, seeing hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, and the last and feminine sense, the sense of speaking.
GUS. I beseech your lordship and your assistants (the only cause of our friendship) to grace my table with your most welcome presence this night at supper.
COM. SEN. I am sorry I cannot stay with you: you know we may by no means omit our daily attendance at the court, therefore I pray you pardon us.
GUS. I hope I shall not have the denial at your hands, my masters, and you, my Lady Lingua. Come, let us drown all our anger in a bowl of hippocras[296].
[Exeunt SENSUS omnes exteriores.
COM. SEN. Come, Master Register, shall we walk?
MEM. I pray you, stay a little. Let me see! ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
PHA. How now, Memory, so merry? what, do you trouble yourself with two palsies at once, shaking and laughing?
MEM. 'Tis a strange thing that men will so confidently oppose themselves against Plato's great year.
PHA. Why not?
MEM. 'Tis as true an opinion as need be; for I remember it very readily now, that this time 49,000 years ago all we were in this very place, and your lordship judged the very same controversy, after the very same manner, in all respects and circumstances alike.
COM. SEN. 'Tis wondrous strange.
ANA. By the same token you held your staff in your right hand, just as you do now; and Master Phantastes stood wondering at you, gaping as wide as you see him.
PHA. Ay, but I did not give you a box on the ear, sirrah, 49,000 years ago, did I? [Snap.]
ANA. I do not remember that, sir.
PHA. This time Plato's twelvemonth to come, look you save your cheeks better.
COM. SEN. But what entertainment had we at court for our long staying?
MEM. Let's go, I'll tell you as we walk.
PHA. If I do not seem pranker[297] now than I did in those days, I'll be hanged.
[Exeunt omnes interiores Sensus: manet LINGUA.
SCAENA OCTAVA.
LINGUA, MENDACIO.
LIN. Why, this is good. By Common Sense's means,
Lingua, thou hast fram'd a perfect comedy.
They are all good friends, whom thou mad'st enemies;
And I am half a Sense: a sweet piece of service,
I promise you, a fair step to preferment!
Was this the care and labour thou hast taken
To bring thy foes together to a banquet,
To lose thy crown, and be deluded thus!
Well, now I see my cause is desperate,
The judgment's pass'd, sentence irrevocable,
Therefore I'll be content and clap my hands,
And give a plaudite to their proceedings.
What, shall I leave my hate begun unperfect?
So foully vanquish'd by the spiteful Senses!
Shall I, the embassadress of gods and men,
That pull'd proud Phoebe from her brightsome sphere,
And dark'd Apollo's countenance with a word,
Raising at pleasure storms, and winds, and earthquakes,
Be overcrow'd, and breathe without revenge?
Yet they forsooth, base slaves, must be preferred,
And deck themselves with my right ornaments.
Doth the all-knowing Phoebus see this shame
Without redress? will not the heavens help me?
Then shall hell do it; my enchanting tongue
Can mount the skies, and in a moment fall
From the pole arctic to dark Acheron.
I'll make them know mine anger is not spent;
Lingua hath power to hurt, and will to do it.
Mendacio, come hither quickly, sirrah.
MEN. Madam.
LIN. Hark, hither in thine ear.
MEN. Why do you whisht[298] thus? here's none to hear you.
LIN. I dare not trust these secrets to the earth,
E'er since she brought forth reeds, whose babbling noise
Told all the world of Midas' ass's ears.
[She whispers him in the ear.] Dost understand me?
MEN. Ay, ay, ay—never fear that—there's a jest indeed—
Pish, pish—madam—do you think me so foolish?—Tut, tut, doubt not.
LIN. Tell her, if she do not—
MEN. Why do you make any question of it?—what a stir is here—I warrant you—presently! [Exit MENDACIO.
LIN. Well, I'll to supper, and so closely cover
The rusty canker of mine iron spite
With golden foil of goodly semblances.
But if I do not trounce them—
[Exit LINGUA.