ROMAN
A soldier boasting of a scar in his face, from a wound in battle, Augustus said, Yes, you will look back when you run away.
Fabia Dollabella saying, she was thirty years of age; Cicero answered, It must be true, for I have heard it these twenty years.
Seeing Lentulus, his son-in-law, a man of very small stature, walking up, with a long sword at his side, he called out, Who has tied my son-in-law to that sword?
One finding his shoes eaten with mice, in the morning when he rose, asked Cato, in great agitation, the meaning of the portent; who answered, It is no prodigy that mice should eat shoes! had the shoes eaten the mice, it would have been indeed a prodigy.
When Brutus was dissuaded from his last battle, as the jeopardy was great, he only said, To-day all will be well, or I shall not care.
A large bull being produced in the amphitheatre, the hunter struck ten times, and missed. Gallienus, the emperor, who was present, sent the hunter a wreath: and all wondering, he said, It is extremely difficult to miss such a mark so often.
One saying, that in Sicily he had bought a lamprey five feet long, for a trifle; Galba, the orator, to reprove the lye, said, No wonder. They are found there so long, that the fishers constantly use them for cables.
Scipio Nasica going to visit Ennius the poet, was told by his maid-servant, that he was not at home, though he knew he was. A few days after Ennius came to see Nasica, who hearing his voice, called out, that he was not within. Then said Ennius, “What! Do not I hear your voice?” To which Nasica replied, You are an impudent fellow. I believed your maid! and you will not believe myself.
Sulpitius Galba the orator, pretended to sleep once, while Mecenas made love to his wife, but seeing, at the same time, a slave stealing wine from the side-board, he cried, Friend, I do not sleep for all.
From the collection of Poggio we get other Italian stories.
Some clowns going to Arezzo, to buy a crucifix for their church, the carver seeing them very stupid, said, Do you want a living or a dead crucifix? They requiring time to consider: after much deliberation, returned, saying, Make us a living one! for if our neighbours be not pleased with that, we can easily kill it.
An inhabitant of a maritime town, looking out at a window, and seeing the ocean in a violent storm, and many vessels tossing about, said to a friend who was with him, “I wonder so many people go to sea, when so many die there.” Do not you wonder, answered the friend, why so many people go to bed, when so many die there?
Bardella da Mantoua, being led to execution, a priest, who was with him, said, “Be of good cheer, for to-night you will sup with the Virgin Mary, and with the apostles.” Bardella answered, It will be a favour if you will go for me, for this is a fast-day with me.
Marcello da Scopeto, consulting Coccheto da Trievi, the physician, he wrote a receipt, and said, “Here, take this at three times; one every morning.” Marcello cut the paper in three; and made a shift to swallow it in three mornings.
Tosetto one day putting the physician Zerboico in a violent passion; he said, “Peace, rogue. Do not I know that your father was a bricklayer?” Tosetto answered, Nobody knew this, save your father, who used to carry him lime.
The following are from Il Cortegiano, by Castiglione.
An Italian Doctor of Law, seeing a criminal, who was whipped, walking very slowly during the operation, asked him why he did not hasten, that he might have fewer stripes; adding many arguments to shew that the slower he went, the more he must suffer. To which, the criminal, standing still, and looking him full in the face, replied with great gravity, When you are whipped through the streets, walk as you please, and pray allow me to enjoy the same liberty.
Duke Frederic of Modena, having built a palace, was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. An abbot, standing by, told him to cause a pit to be digged large enough to contain it. “And what,” said Frederic, laughing, “shall I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?” To which the abbot, with great wisdom, replied, Make the pit so large as to hold all.
Ponzio of Sila seeing a rustic who had two capons to sell, and agreeing on the price, begged him also to carry them to his lodging, where he was going, and he would pay him for his pains. Ponzio led him to a round bell-tower, separate from the church, near which was an alley: when standing still, Ponzio said, “I have wagered a couple of capons with a friend, that this bell-tower is not forty feet round, and have got a packthread here that we may try it.” So drawing the thread from his pocket, he gave one end to the rustic; bidding him hold it, while he went round. But when Ponzio came to the other side of the bell-tower, where the alley was, he fixed the thread with a nail, and ran down the alley with the capons. The peasant after long standing and bawling, went round, and had the nail and packthread for his capons and labour.
Not every tongue offers us collections to be translated, nor are all those that are available yet translated, but we may give a few of Spanish origin, taken from the collection of Melchior de Santa Cruz which are the flowers of Spanish Apothegms and wise or witty sayings.
Like jesters of all other nations the Spaniards saw fit to heap sarcasms on the medical profession.
We can only assume that in those days doctors had not reached the heights of sapience they have since attained.
And also, we must remember that it was the custom for the unlearned to poke fun at the scholars, hence all professions felt the satiric lash.
At the table of Pope Alexander the sixth, the company debated one day, if it were advantageous to a state to have physicians in it? The greater part held not; and alleged, as a reason, that Rome had passed her first, and best, six hundred years without them. But the pope said, he was not of that opinion, for were there no physicians, the multitude of mankind would be so great, that the world could not contain them.
A Biscayan clergyman, a follower of the cardinal Don Pedro Gonzales de Mendoza, pulled one day a pistol out of his pocket. The cardinal saw him, and reproved him, saying, “That it was indecent for a clergyman to carry arms.” The Biscayan answered, “Most reverend lord, I do not carry arms to hurt any man, but to defend myself against the dogs of this country, which are remarkable for fierceness.” The cardinal said, “I can tell you a charm against dogs. You need only repeat any verse of the gospel of St. John.” The Biscayan replied, Yes, my lord, but that does not apply in every case, for many of our dogs do not understand Latin.
The same cardinal said of the monks, who, by shaving the top and under part of the head, form a crown of hair around, that they had crowns which the most ambitious would not envy.
A bishop sent a present of six capons to brother Bernaldino Palomo, but the servant who carried them stole one. Tell his lordship, said Palomo, that I kiss his hands for the five capons.—Do you kiss his hands for the other.
Juan de Ayala, lord of the town of Cabolla, slew a crane. His cook, when he dressed it, gave a leg to his mistress. When it was served up, Juan said, Where is the other leg? The cook answered, Cranes have but one leg. The day following, Juan took his cook to the chace with him, and perceiving a flock of cranes, which, as usual with that bird, all stood upon one leg, the cook said, Your worship sees the truth of what I said. Juan riding up to the birds called, Ox, Ox, Ox. The cranes being startled, put down the other leg: and Juan said, See, you knave, have they two legs or one? The cook answered, Body of me, sir, had you called Ox, Ox, to the one you dined on yesterday it would have produced its other leg too.
Perico de Ayala, the buffoon of the Marquis de Villena, came to see Don Frances, the buffoon of Charles V. when he lay on his death bed. Perico seeing him in so bad a way, said, Brother Don Frances, I request you, by the great friendship which always was between us, that when you go to heaven (which I believe must be very soon, since you lived so pious a life), you will beseech God to have mercy on my soul. Frances answered, Tie a thread on this finger, that I may not forget it. These were his last words; and he instantly expired.
The servants of a Spanish lord said, in his presence, that Don Diego Deza, archbishop of Seville, was very liberal to his domestics. The lord answered, So he may, for he has his wealth but for his life. A page replied, And for how many lives has your lordship yours?
Some thieves trying one night to break into a shop, in which two servant men lay; one of them called to the robbers. Come back when we are asleep.
A rich man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder he had suffered the preceding night. The physician felt his pulse, and said, Sir, do you eat well? Yes, said the patient. Do you sleep well? I do. Then, said the physician, I shall give you something to take away all that.
A labourer intending to bind his son apprentice to a butcher, asked a gentleman of the village, his friend, to whom he should put him. The answer was, You had best bind him to the physician, for he is the best butcher I know.
A physician went to visit a young lady, daughter of a nobleman. Desiring her arm, to feel her pulse, the damsel, from pride, covered the place with the sleeve of her shift. The physician also drew down his coat sleeve, and applying it, said, A linen pulse must have a woollen physician.
A bad painter, who had never produced any thing worth, went to another place, and commenced physician. A person who knew him, meeting him there, asked the reason of this change. Because said he, if I now commit faults, the earth covers them.
To a student of a college was brought a large dish of soup, and only one pea in it. He rose, and began to strip. His companion asking what was the matter, he answered, I am going to swim after that pea.
The effects of a merchant, who was greatly in debt, being on sale, one bought a pillow, saying, That it must be good to sleep on, since he could sleep on it, who owed so much.
The same merchant being asked, how he could sleep with such debts upon him? said, The wonder is, how my creditors could sleep.
A Gallician, being at the war of Granada, received a wound in the head with an arrow. The surgeon arriving, said, upon examination, You are a dead man, the arrow has pierced your brain. The Gallician said, Look again, for that is impossible. The surgeon replied, It is so; I see it plain. It cannot be, said the Gallician: for if I had any brain, I should not have been here.
A man went to borrow an ass of a neighbour, who said the ass was from home. Meanwhile the animal chanced to bray: upon which the borrower exclaimed, How! did you not tell me the ass was abroad? The other replied, in a passion, Will you prefer the ass’s word to mine?
A passenger going to Peru, a great storm arose; and the master of the vessel ordered, that the most burdensome articles that every one had should be thrown into the sea, to lighten the vessel. Upon which this passenger ran and brought up his wife, saying, That she was the most burdensome article he had.
A squire being asked, why he had married a deaf wife? said, In hopes she was also dumb.
The German nation made small pretence to wit or humor. What we have of their early efforts is either gross or stupid.
A few specimens taken from their mediæval Jest collections will quickly prove this.
A malicious woman often beat her husband; being reproved for it, and told that her husband was her head, she answered, May not I beat my own head as I please?
Some Dutchmen conversing in a bookseller’s shop at Leyden, an unknown German came in, upon which one of them exclaimed, “Why is Saul among the prophets?” The German retorted: He is seeking his father’s asses.
A very ignorant priest saying mass, saw on the margin of his book, Salta per tria (skip three); meaning that he should find the rest of the office three leaves further on; upon which he leaped three steps forwards from the altar. The clowns about him, thinking he had suddenly gone mad, took and bound him, and carried him home.
One being asked, what made him bald? said, My hair.
A lady asking that celebrated general, prince Maurice, who was the first captain of the age? he answered, The marquis of Spinola is the second. He thereby gave to understand, that he knew himself to be the first; but did not chuse either to say so, or tell a falsehood.
Two ladies of high rank, disputing the precedence in a procession, the Emperor, Charles V. desired they would make him their arbiter. Having heard the reasons on both sides, he found no other way to end the difference, than by ordering that the most foolish should go first. After which there were as many disputes who should go last; till they agreed, that each should be foolish in her turn.
Charles V. going to see the new cloister of the Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a peasant, who was carrying a sucking pig, and whose cries were so disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many expressions of impatience, he said to the peasant, “My friend, do not you know how to silence a sucking pig?” The poor man said modestly, that he really did not, and should be happy to learn. “Take it by the tail,” said the Emperor. The peasant finding this succeed upon trial, turned to the Emperor, and said, Faith, friend, you must have been longer at the trade than me, for you understand it better. An answer which furnished repeated laughter to Charles and his court.