THE FIFTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE.

Master Baily, Doctor Rat.

Baily. I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart,
But either ye are in all the fault, or else in the greatest part.
Doctor Rat. If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs,
When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves,
Then I confess my fault herein, at this season;
But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.
Baily. And, methinks, by your own tale, of all that ye name,
If any played the thief, you were the very same.
The women they did nothing, as your words made probation,
But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.
If that a thief at your window to enter should begin,
Would you hold forth your hand and help to pull him in?
Or you would keep him out? I pray you answer me.
Doctor Rat. Marry, keep him out! and a good cause why!
But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.
Baily. Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark?
I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose!
Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose
And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse?
Me-think you may be glad that you[r] luck was no worse.
Doctor Rat. Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?

[Showing his broken head.

Baily. Yea, but a man in the dark, if chances do wink,
As soon he smites his father as any other man,
Because for lack of light discern him he ne can.
Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?
Doctor Rat. I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain.
If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.
Baily. By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks!
To come in on the back side, when ye might go about!
I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.
Doctor Rat. Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat.
And know what she intended? I ask no more but that.

Baily. Let her be called, fellow, because of
Master Doctor [to Scapethrift],
I warrant in this case she will be her own proctor;
She will tell her own tale in metre or in prose,
And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.

THE FIFTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.

M. Baily, Chat, D. Rat, Gammer, Hodge, Diccon.

Baily. Dame Chat, Master Doctor upon you here complained
That you and your maids should him much misorder,
And taketh many an oath, that no word be feigned,
Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder;
And on his part again, that same man saith furder,
He never offended you in word nor intent.
To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent.
Chat. That I would have murdered him? fie on him, wretch!
And evil mought he the for it, our Lord I beseech.
I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts,
He feigneth this tale out of his own guts;
For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he sat not down.
[To Rat.] Nay, ye have other minions, in the other end of the town,
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow,
Than anywhere else, as far as I know!
Baily. Belike, then Master Doctor, yon stripe there ye got not!

Doctor Rat. Think you I am so mad that where I was bet I wot not?
Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it?
It is not the first deed she hath done, and afterward denied it.
Chat. What, man, will you say I broke you[r] head?
Doctor Rat. How canst thou prove the contrary?
Chat. Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed?
Doctor Rat. Too plainly, by St Mary,
This proof, I trow, may serve, though I no word spoke!

[Showing his broken head.

Chat. Because thy head is broken, was it I that it broke?
I saw thee, Rat, I tell thee, not once within this fortnight.
Doctor Rat. No, marry, thou sawest me not; for why thou hadst no light;
But I felt thee for all the dark, beshrew thy smooth cheeks!
And thou groped me, this will declare any day this six weeks.

[Showing his head.

Baily. Answer me to this, M[ast] Rat: when caught you this harm of yours?
Doctor Rat. A while ago, sir, God he knoweth, within less than these two hours.
Baily. Dame Chat, was there none with you (confess, i' faith) about that season?
What, woman? let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason.
Chat. Yes, by my faith, Master Baily, there was a knave not far
Who caught one good filip on the brow with a door-bar,
And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me;
But what is that to this man, since this was not he?
Baily. Who was it then? let's hear!
Doctor Rat. Alas, sir, ask you that?
Is it not made plain enough by the own mouth of dame Chat?
The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue cannot lie,
Only upon a bare nay she saith it was not I.
Chat. No, marry, was it not indeed! ye shall hear by this one thing:
This afternoon a friend of mine for good-will gave me warning,
And bad me well look to my roost, and all my capons' pens,
For if I took not better heed, a knave would have my hens.
Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains as him to watch;
And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch.
What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gains,
I wot not, but sure I am he had something for his pains!
Baily. Yet tell'st thou not who it was.
Chat. Who it was? A false thief,
That came like a false fox, my pullen to kill and mischief!
Baily. But knowest thou not his name?
Chat. I know it, but what than?
It was that crafty cullion Hodge, my Gammer Gurton's man.
Baily. Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks.
I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks!
Doctor Rat. I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes;
An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies:
When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear,
She layeth the fault in such a one as I know was not there.
Chat. Was he not there? look on his pate, that shall be his witness!
Doctor Rat. I would my head were half so whole; I would seek no redress!

Baily. God bless you, Gammer Gurton!
Gammer. God 'eild ye, master mine!
Baily. Thou hast a knave within thy house—Hodge, a servant of thine;
They tell me that busy knave is such a filching one,
That hen, pig, goose or capon, thy neighbour can have none.
Gammer. By God, cham much a-meved to hear any such report!
Hodge was not wont, ich trow, to have him in that sort.
Chat. A thievisher knave is not on-live, more filching, nor more false;
Many a truer man than he has hanged up by the halse;
And thou, his dame—of all his theft thou art the sole receiver;
For Hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never knew none better!
Gammer. Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out a-door,
Chould be so bold, for all her brags, to call her arrant whore;
And ich knew Hodge as bad as t'ou, ich wish me endless sorrow
And chould not take the pains to hang him up before to-morrow!
Chat. What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou ill-favor'd old trot?
Gammer. A great deal more, by God's blest, than chever by thee got!
That thou knowest well, I need not say it.
Baily. Stop there, I say,
And tell me here, I pray you, this matter by the way,
How chance Hodge is not here? him would I fain have had.
Gammer. Alas, sir, he'll be here anon; a' be handled too bad.
Chat. Master Baily, sir, ye be not such a fool, well I know.
But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pad in the straw.

[Thinking that Hodge his head was broke, and that Gammer would not let him come before them.

Gammer. Chill show you his face, ich warrant thee; lo, now where he is!
Baily. Come on, fellow, it is told me thou art a shrew, i-wis:
Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox;
Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks.
Hodge. Ich defy them all that dare it say, cham as true as the best!
Baily. Wert not thou take within this hour in dame Chat's hens'-nest?
Hodge. Take there? no, master; chould not do't for a house full of gold!
Chat. Thou, or the devil in thy coat—swear this I dare be bold.
Doctor Rat. Swear me no swearing, quean, the devil he give thee sorrow!
All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow!
Where is the harm he hath? show it, by God's bread!
Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head!
Hodge. Beat me! Gog's blessed body, chould first, ich trow, have burst thee!
Ich think, and chad my hands loose, callet, chould have crust thee!
Chat. Thou shitten knave, I trow thou knowest the full weight of my fist;
I am foully deceived unless thy head and my door-bar kissed.
Hodge. Hold thy chat, whore; thou criest so loud, can no man else be heard?
Chat. Well, knave, and I had thee alone, I would surely rap thy costard!

Baily. Sir, answer me to this: Is thy head whole or broken?
Hodge. Yea, Master Baily, blest be every good token,
Is my head whole! Ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor scald!
What, you foul beast, does think 'tis either pild or bald?
Nay, ich thank God, chill not for all that thou may'st spend
That chad one scab on my narse as broad as thy finger's end.
Baily. Come nearer here!
Hodge. Yes, that ich dare.
Baily. By our Lady, here is no harm,
Hodge's head is whole enough, for all dame Chat's charm.
Chat. By Gog's blest, however the thing he cloaks or smolders,
I know the blows he bare away, either with head or shoulders.
Camest thou not, knave, within this hour, creeping into my pens,
And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens?
Hodge. A plague both on the hens and thee! a cart, whore, a cart!
Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, and chwere as false as thou art!
Give my gammer again her washical thou stole away in thy lap!
Gammer. Yea, Master Baily, there is a thing you know not on, mayhap;
This drab she keeps away my good, the devil he might her snare.
Ich pray you that ich might have a right action on her [fare].
Chat. Have I thy good, old filth, or any such old sow's?
I am as true, I would thou knew, as skin between thy brows.
Gammer. Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger!

Chat. Thou shalt answer, by God's pity, for this thy foul slander!
Baily. Why, what can you charge her withal? to say so ye do not well.
Gammer. Marry, a vengeance to her heart! the whore has stol'n my nee'le!
Chat. Thy needle, old witch! how so? it were alms thy soul to knock!
So didst thou say the other day, that I had stol'n thy cock.
And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten,
The devil pull out thy lying tongue and teeth that be so rotten!
Gammer. Give me my nee'le! as for my cock, chould be very loth
That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth.
Baily. Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in fault.
Gammer. Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bread and salt!
Baily. Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold.
Methinks you should remember this is no place to scold.
How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had?
Gammer. To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad.
Baily. Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore say it boldly.
Gammer. Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,
Even he that looked on—will swear on a book—
What time this drunken gossip my fair long nee'le up took,
Diccon, Master, the Bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.
Baily. A false knave, by God's pity! ye were but a fool to trow him.
I durst aventure well the price of my best cap,
That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape,
Told he not you that besides she stole your cock that tide?
Gammer. No, master, no indeed; for then he should have lied.
My cock is, I thank Christ, safe and well a-fine.
Chat. Yea, but that rugged colt, that whore, that Tib of thine,
Said plainly thy cock was stol'n, and in my house was eaten.
That lying cut is lost that she is not swinged and beaten,
And yet for all my good name it were a small amends!
I pick not this gear, hear'st thou, out of my fingers' ends;
But he that heard it told me, who thou of late didst name,
Diccon, whom all men knows, it was the very same.
Baily. This is the case: you lost your nee'le about the doors,
And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours;
Thus in you[r] talk and action, from that you do intend,
She is whole five mile wide, from that she doth defend.
Will you say she hath your cock?
Gammer. No, marry, sir, that chill not.
Baily. Will you confess her nee'le?
Chat. Will I? no, sir, will I not.
Baily. Then there lieth all the matter.
Gammer. Soft, master, by the way!
Ye know she could do little, and she could not say nay.

Baily. Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock-stealing,
Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing.
I ween the end will prove this brawl did first arise
Upon no other ground but only Diccon's lies.
Chat. Though some be lies, as you belike have espied them,
Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them.
Baily. What other thing beside this, dame Chat?
Chat. Marry, sir, even this.
The tale I told before, the self-same tale it was his;
He gave me, like a friend, warning against my loss,
Else had my hens be stol'n each one, by God's cross!
He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed,
But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed.
This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.
Baily. If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort.
Doctor Rat. By God's mother, thou and he be a couple of subtle foxes!
Between you and Hodge I bear away the boxes.
Did not Diccon appoint the place, where thou should'st stand to meet him?
Chat. Yes, by the mass, and if he came, bad me not stick to spit him.
Doctor Rat. God's sacrament! the villain knave hath dress'd us round about!
He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout!
When Gammer Gurton here complained, and made a rueful moan,
I heard him swear that you had gotten her needle that was gone;
And this to try, he further said, he was full loth; howbeit
He was content with small ado to bring me where to see it.
And where ye sat, he said full certain, if I would follow his reed,
Into your house a privy way he would me guide and lead,
And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout,
And set me in the back-hole, thereby to find you out:
And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees,
I found the weight of your door-bar for my reward and fees.
Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell.
In setting at one such as were out, minding to make all well.
Hodge. Was not well blest, gammer, to 'scape that stour? And chad been there,
Then chad been dress'd, belike, as ill, by the mass, as Gaffer Vicar.
Baily. Marry, sir, here is a sport alone; I looked for such an end.
If Diccon had not play'd the knave, this had been soon amend.
My gammer here he made a fool, and dress'd her as she was;
And goodwife Chat he set to scold, till both parts cried, alas!
And D[octor] Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare.
I would the knave had been stark blind, if Hodge had not his share.
Hodge. Cham meetly well-sped already among's, cham dress'd like a colt!
And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a dolt.

Baily. Sir knave, make haste Diccon were here; fetch him, wherever he be!
Chat. Fie on the villain, fie, fie! that makes us thus agree!
Gammer. Fie on him, knave, with all my heart! now fie, and fie again!
Doctor Rat. Now "fie on him!" may I best say, whom he hath almost slain.
Baily. Lo, where he cometh at hand, belike he was not far!
Diccon, here be two or three thy company cannot spare.
Diccon. God bless you, and you may be bless'd, so many all at once!
Chat. Come, knave, it were a good deed to geld thee, by Cock's bones!
Seest not thy handiwork? Sir Rat, can ye forbear him?
Diccon. A vengeance on those hands light, for my hands came not near him.
The whoreson priest hath lift the pot in some of these alewives' chairs,
That his head would not serve him, belike, to come down the stairs.
Baily. Nay, soft! thou may'st not play the knave, and have this language too!
If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better may'st thou do.
Confess the truth, as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable;
And for thy fault I promise thee thy handling shall be reasonable.
Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears?
Diccon. What if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years:
I am sorry for nothing else but that I see not the sport
Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report.

Baily. The greatest thing—Master Rat, ye see how he is dress'd!
Diccon. What devil need he be groping so deep, in goodwife Chat's hens' nest?
Baily. Yea, but it was thy drift to bring him into the briars.
Diccon. God's bread! hath not such an old fool wit to save his ears?
He showeth himself herein, ye see, so very a cox,
The cat was not so madly allured by the fox
To run into the snares was set for him, doubtless;
For he leapt in for mice, and this Sir John for madness.
Doctor Rat. Well, and ye shift no better, ye losel, lither, and lazy,
I will go near for this to make ye leap at a daisy.
In the king's name, Master Baily, I charge you set him fast.
Diccon. What! fast at cards or fast on sleep? it is the thing I did last.
Doctor Rat. Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to thy deeds.
Baily. Master Doctor, there is no remedy,
I must entreat you needs Some other kind of punishment.
Doctor Rat. Nay, by All-Hallows!
His punishment, if I may judge, shall be nought else but the gallows.
Baily. That were too sore; a spiritual man to be so extreme!
Doctor Rat. Is he worthy any better, sir? how do you judge and deem?
Baily. I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise so great.

Gammer. It is a shame, ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat.
He has almost undone us all—that is as true as steel—
And yet for all this great ado cham never the near my nee'le!
Baily. Canst thou not say anything to that, Diccon, with least or most?
Diccon. Yea, marry, sir, thus much I can say well, the nee'le is lost.
Baily. Nay, canst not thou tell which way that needle may be found?
Diccon. No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an hundred pound.
Hodge. Thou liar, lickdish, didst not say the nee'le would be gitten?
Diccon. No, Hodge; by the same token you were that time beshitten
For fear of hobgoblin—you wot well what I mean;
As long as it is since, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean.
Baily. Well, Master Rat, you must both learn and teach us to forgive.
Since Diccon hath confession made, and is so clean shreve,
If ye to me consent, to amend this heavy chance,
I will enjoin him here some open kind of penance,
Of this condition—where ye know my fee is twenty pence:
For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense;
Ye shall go quit, so that ye grant the matter now to run
To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun.
Chat. Say yea, Master Vicar, and he shall sure confess to be your debtor,
And all we that be here present will love you much the better.
Doctor Rat. My part is the worst; but since you all hereon agree,
Go even to, Master Baily! let it be so for me!
Baily. How say'st thou, Diccon? art content this shall on me depend?
Diccon. Go to, M[ast] Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend.
Baily. Then mark ye well: To recompense this thy former action—
Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction—
Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach—
For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech:
First, for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,
Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse;
And when ye meet at one pot he shall have the first pull,
And thou shalt never offer him the cup but it be full.
To goodwife that thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise,
If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.
Thou shalt be bound by the same, here as thou dost take it,
When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it.
For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be,
To help her to her needle again if it do lie in thee;
And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that,
To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.
Last of all, for Hodge the oath to scan,
Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.
Hodge. Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even with thee now!

Baily. Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, I trow?
Diccon. No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it!
Look, as I have promised, I will not denay it.
But, Hodge, take good heed now, thou do not beshit me!

[And give him a good blow on the buttock.

Hodge. Gog's heart! thou false villain, dost thou bite me?
Baily. What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee ere ever he begin?
Hodge. He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin or a pin.

[He discovers the needle.

I say, gammer! gammer!
Gammer. How now, Hodge, how now?
Hodge. God's malt, gammer Gurton!
Gammer. Thou art mad, ich trow!
Hodge. Will you see the devil, gammer?
Gammer. The devil, son! God bless us!
Hodge. Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer—
Gammer. Marry, see, ye might dress us—
Hodge. Chave it, by the mass, gammer!
Gammer. What, not my nee'le, Hodge?
Hodge. Your nee'le, gammer! your nee'le!
Gammer. No, fie, dost but dodge!
Hodge. Ch' a found your nee'le, gammer, here in my hand be it!
Gammer. For all the loves on earth, Hodge, let me see it!
Hodge. Soft, gammer!
Gammer. Good Hodge!
Hodge. Soft, ich say; tarry a while!
Gammer. Nay, sweet Hodge, say truth, and not me beguile!
Hodge. Cham sure on it, ich warrant you; it goes no more astray.

Gammer. Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still say me nay?
Hodge. Go near the light, gammer, this—well, in faith, good luck!—
Ch'was almost undone, 'twas so far in my buttock!
Gammer. 'Tis mine own dear nee'le, Hodge, sikerly I wot!
Hodge. Cham I not a good son, gammer, cham I not?
Gammer. Christ's blessing light on thee, hast made me for ever!
Hodge. Ich knew that ich must find it, else chould a' had it never!
Chat. By my troth, gossip Gurton, I am even as glad
As though I mine own self as good a turn had!
Baily. And I, by my conscience, to see it so come forth,
Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth.
Doctor Rat. I am no whit sorry to see you so rejoice.
Diccon. Nor I much the gladder for all this noise;
Yet say, "Gramercy, Diccon!" for springing of the game.
Gammer. Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O, how glad cham!
If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither,
Master Rat, Goodwife Chat, and Diccon together,
Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it,
And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it.
If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink.
Baily. I am content, if the rest think as I think.
Master Rat, it shall be best for you if we so do,
Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too.
Diccon. Soft, sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more!
As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before!
But now, my good masters, since we must be gone,
And leave you behind us here all alone;
Since at our last ending thus merry we be,
For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have a plaudite.

FINIS.

Gurton. Perused and Allowed, &c. Imprinted at London, in Fleetstreate, beneath the Conduite, at the signe of S. John Euangelist, by Thomas Colwell, 1575.

[The device of Thomas Colwell, the printer of "Gammer Gurton's Needle.">[

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