Gammer Gurton's Needle

by Unknown

THE FOURTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE.

Doctor Rat, Gammer Gurton.

Doctor Rat. A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark,
Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk,
Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while a day,
But he must trudge about the town, this way and that way;
Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent,
And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment!
I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale,
But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straightway at my tail,
And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what!
If once her finger's-end but ache—trudge, call for Doctor Rat!
And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose;
For I am sure to lack therefore a tithe-pig or a goose.
I warrant you, when truth is known, and told they have their tale,
The matter whereabout I come is not worth a halfpennyworth of ale;
Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a gloser
Else ere the year come at an end, I shall be sure the loser.
What work ye, Gammer Gurton? How? here is your friend M[ast] Rat.
Gammer. Ah! good M[ast] Doctor! 'cha troubled, 'cha troubled you, 'chwot well that.
Doctor Rat. How do ye, woman? be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease?
Gammer. By Gis, Master, cham not sick, but yet chave a disease.
Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you, by gigs!
Doctor Rat. Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs?
Gammer. No, but chad been as good they had as this, ich wot well.
Doctor Rat. What is the matter?
Gammer. Alas, alas! 'cha lost my good nee'le!
My nee'le, I say, and wot ye what, a drab came by and spied it,
And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly denied it.
Doctor Rat. What was she that?
Gammer. A dame, ich warrant you! She began to scold and brawl—
Alas, alas! come hither, Hodge! this wretch can tell you all.

THE FOURTH ACT. THE SECOND SCENE.

Hodge, Doctor Rat, Gammer, Diccon.

Hodge. Good morrow, Gaffer Vicar.
Doctor Rat. Come on, fellow, let us hear!
Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear;
Let's see what thou canst say.
Hodge. By m' fay, sir, that ye shall,
What matter soever there was done, ich can tell your maship [all]:
My Gammer Gurton here, see now,
Sat her down at this door, see now;
And, as she began to stir her, see now,
Her nee'le fell in the floor, see now;
And while her staff she took, see now,
At Gib her cat to fling, see now,
Her nee'le was lost in the floor, see now—
Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?
Then came the quean dame Chat, see now,
To ask for her black cup, see now:
And even here at this gate, see now,
She took that nee'le up, see now:
My gammer then she yede, see now,
Her nee'le again to bring, see now,
And was caught by the head, see now—
Is not this a wondrous thing, see now?
She tare my gammer's coat, see now,
And scratched her by the face, see now;
Chad thought sh'ad stopp'd her throat, see now—
Is not this a wondrous case, see now?
When ich saw this, ich was wroth, see now,
And stert between them twain, see now;
Else ich durst take a book-oath, see now,
My gammer had been slain, see now.
Gammer. This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told;
And chould fain be quiet for my part, that chould.
But help us, good Master, beseech ye that ye do:
Else shall we both be beaten and lose our nee'le too.
Doctor Rat. What would ye have me to do? tell me, that I were gone;
I will do the best that I can, to set you both at one.
But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your nee'le found?
Gammer. Here comes the man, that see her take it up off the ground.
Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe not me:
And help me to my nee'le, for God's sake and Saint Charity!
Doctor Rat. Come near, Diccon, and let us hear what thou can express.
Wilt thou be sworn thou seest dame Chat this woman's nee'le have?
Diccon. Nay, by Saint Benet, will I not, then might ye think me rave!
Gammer. Why, did'st not thou tell me so even here? canst thou for shame deny it?
Diccon. Ay, marry, gammer; but I said I would not abide by it.
Doctor Rat. Will you say a thing, and not stick to it to try it?
Diccon. "Stick to it," quoth you, Master Rat? marry, sir, I defy it!
Nay, there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown
In his friend's ears, he would be loth the same by him were known.
If such a toy be used oft among the honesty,
It may [not] beseem a simple man of your and my degree.
Doctor Rat. Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell!
Diccon. Yea, marry, sir, if ye will do by mine advice and counsel.
If mother Chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes;
Therefore I reed you three go hence, and within keep close,
And I will into dame Chat's house, and so the matter use,
That ere ye could go twice to church I warrant you hear news.
She shall look well about her, but, I durst lay a pledge,
Ye shall of gammer's nee'le have shortly better knowledge.
Gammer. Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let us trudge.
Doctor Rat. By the mass, I may not tarry so long to be your judge.
Diccon. 'Tis but a little while, man; what! take so much pain!
If I hear no news of it, I will come sooner again.
Hodge. Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your gentleness!
Doctor Rat. Then let us hie us inward, and, Diccon, speed thy business.
Diccon. Now, sirs, do you no more, but keep my counsel just,
And Doctor Rat shall thus catch some good, I trust;
But mother Chat, my gossip, talk first withal I must,
For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust.

THE FOURTH ACT. THE THIRD SCENE.

Diccon, Chat.

Diccon. Good even, dame Chat, in faith, and well-met in this place!
Chat. Good even, my friend Diccon; whither walk ye this pace?
Diccon. By my truth, even to you, to learn how the world goeth.
Heard ye no more of the other matter? say me now, by your troth!
Chat. O yes, Diccon, hear the old whore and Hodge, that great knave—
But, in faith, I would thou hadst seen—O Lord, I drest them brave!
She bare me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck,
Till I made her old weasand to answer again, "keck!"
And Hodge, that dirty dastard, that at her elbow stands—
If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands,
He had had his beard shaven if my nails would have served,
And not without a cause, for the knave is well deserved.
Diccon. By the mass, I can thee thank, wench, thou didst so well acquit thee!
Chat. And th' adst seen him, Diccon, it would have made thee beshit thee
For laughter. The whoreson dolt at last caught up a club,
As though he would have slain the master-devil, Belsabub.
But I set him soon inward.
Diccon. O Lord, there is the thing!
That Hodge is so offended! that makes him start and fling!

Chat. Why? makes the knave any moiling, as ye have seen or heard?
Diccon. Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he far'd,
And sware by heaven and hell he would a-wreak his sorrow,
And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the clock to-morrow;
Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust.
Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.
Chat. The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.
Diccon. Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round.
Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead
A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?
Chat. Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down, even within these two days.
Diccon. Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways.
Chat. O Christ! that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have his meed!
Diccon. Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed.
I would spend myself a shilling to have him swinged well.
Chat. I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to hear tell.
By Gog's bones, when he cometh, now that I know the matter,
He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding water,
With a worse turn besides; when he will, let him come.
Diccon. I tell you as my sister; you know what meaneth "mum"!

THE FOURTH ACT. THE FOURTH SCENE.

Diccon, Doctor Rat.

Diccon. Now lack I but my doctor to play his part again.
And lo, where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain!
Doctor Rat. What good news, Diccon, fellow? is mother Chat at home?
Diccon. She is, sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom;
Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was.
Doctor Rat. The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to pass?
Diccon. I have done that I have done, be it worse, be it better,
And dame Chat at her wits-end I have almost set her.
Doctor Rat. Why, hast thou spied the nee'le? quickly, I pray thee, tell!
Diccon. I have spied it, in faith, sir, I handled myself so well;
And yet the crafty quean had almost take my trump.
But, ere all came to an end, I set her in a dump.
Doctor Rat. How so, I pray thee, Diccon?
Diccon. Marry, sir, will ye hear?
She was clapp'd down on the backside, by Cock's mother dear,
And there she sat sewing a halter or a band,
With no other thing save gammer's needle in her hand.
As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt,
She needs but once puff, and her candle is out:
Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin,
Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within;
And there I saw the nee'le, even with these two eyes;
Whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies.
Doctor Rat. O Diccon, that I was not there then in thy stead!
Diccon. Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reed,
I will bring you to a place, as the house stands,
Where ye shall take the drab with the nee'le in her hands.
Doctor Rat. For God's sake do so, Diccon, and I will gage my gown
To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the town.
Diccon. Follow me but a little, and mark what I will say;
Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way!
See ye not what is here? a hole wherein ye may creep
Into the house, and suddenly unawares among them leap;
There shall ye find the bitch-fox and the nee'le together.
Do as I bid you, man, come on your ways hither!
Doctor Rat. Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not hereabout?
Diccon. I was within myself, man, even now, there is no doubt.
Go softly, make no noise; give me your foot, sir John,
Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon.

[D. Rat creeps in.

Doctor Rat [calling from within]. Help, Diccon! out alas! I shall be slain among them!
Diccon. If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hang them.
Ware that! How, my wenches! have ye caught the fox,
That used to make revel among your hens and cocks?
Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain.
Gog's bread! I am afraid they will beat out his brain.
Doctor Rat. Woe worth the hour that I came here!
And woe worth him that wrought this gear!
A sort of drabs and queans have me blest—
Was ever creature half so evil drest?
Whoever it wrought, and first did invent it
He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it!
I will spend all I have without my skin
But he shall be brought to the plight I am in!
Master Baily, I trow, and he be worth his ears,
Will snaffle these murderers, and all that them bears:
I will surely neither bite nor sup
Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up.

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