Conditions of Sale.
First. He who bids most is the Buyer, and if any Difference arises, she is to be put up again.
Secondly. That no Person shall bid less than £500 the first Proposal, and always advance £100.
Thirdly. That all of them shall be bound up in Silks; and if any shall happen to be otherwise, the Party that buys them shall be at Liberty to take them away or leave them.
By E. Cl——r Auctioneer that sold the young Heiress in Q—— Street.
[12.]One a Licence had got
For to begg, God wot,
And of a poor Scholar begg'd a Doller;
Thou hast Lice I do fear,
But no sence, I swear,
For to begg of a very poor Scholar.
[18.] An Author's House being on fire whilst he was poring on his Books, he called to his Wife and bad her look to it. You know, says he, I don't concern myself with the household.
[17.] One parting a Fray, was cut into the Scul: says the Surgeon, Sir, one may see your brains: Nay then I'l be hang'd, says he, for if I had had any brains, I had never come there.
[17.] A Gentleman losing his way galloping furiously over the plow'd Lands towards Tame, and meeting one, said, Friend is this the way to Tame? Yes Sir, says he, your Horse, if he be as wild as the Devil.
THE VIRGIN RACE
Or, York-shires Glory.
Being an Account of a Race lately Run at Temple-Newnham-Green; None being admitted to run, but such as were supposed Virgins. The first that came to the two Miles-Race end, was to have a Silver Spoon, the second, a silver bodkin, the third a Silver Thimble, and the fourth Nothing at all.
Tune is, a New Game at Cards.
[60.]You that do desire to hear,
Of a Virgin Race run in York-Shire,
Come and Listen, I'le declare,
Such News before, you never did hear;
For I think since the World begun
But seldom Virgins Races run.
Four Virgins that supposed were
A Race did run I now declare,
Sure such a Race was never seen,
As this at Temple Newnham Green.
In half-shirts & Drawers these Maids did run
But Bonny Nan the Race has won
A Silver Spoon this Nan obtain'd
The next a Silver Bodkin gain'd
The third that was not quite so nimble,
Was to have a Silver Thimble;
And she that was the last of all.
Nothing unto her share did fall.
In Drawers Red Ann Clayton run,
And she it was the Race that won;
Pegg Hall as I may tell to you,
Did run in Drawers that were Blew;
Honest Alice Hall that was the third,
Her Drawers were white upon my word.
A concourse great of People were
For to behold these Virgins there,
Who so well acted the Mans part,
And love a Man with all their heart;
But what means this, for well we know
Maids through the Nation all do so.
Now let us come to Bonny Nan,
Who won a Race once of a man,
In Bassing Hall Street he did dwell
His name was Luke, 'tis known full well;
And let me now declare to you,
At something else she'l beat him too.
Let none the York-shire Girls despise
Who are so Active now a days,
So brisk and nimble they do grow,
That few can match them, I do know:
Then let us stand up for York shire,
Those Country Girls I love most dear.
A York shire Girl who can outvie,
No City Girls can them come nigh,
They've Rosey Blushes in their Cheeks,
While City Girls are Green as Leeks,
This with my fancy will agree
A York shire Girl shall be for me.
Then here's a Health to a York shire Girl,
For in my eye she is a Pearl
Whose Beauty doth so charm mine eye,
That for her I would freely dye.
Her virtues do her face adorn,
And makes her look fresh as the Morn.
Now to conclude unto my friend
These Lines I freely recommend;
Advising him above the rest,
To love a Yorkshire Girl the best;
But let him use his skill for I
Will love a Yorkshire Girl until I dye
FINIS
Printed for J Wright, J Clark, W Thackeray, and T. Passinger—
[61.] There were two good fellows of ancient society (who had not seen one another in a great space of tyme) that one morning very luckily met each other in Budge Row, and after some signes of gladnesse to meet so happily, they agreed upon a mornings draught, which lasted almost till noon, in which time they were both sufficiently liquor'd. But their bellies being fuller than their brains, they did resolve to bring up the rear of that morning's action with a Cup of Canary; away they went to the Swan Tavern at Dowgate, where for three hours longer they sat pecking at one another, like two Game Cocks at the end of a battaile, untill both their Eyes were in a very glimmering Condition. In the mean time, whilst they were thus toaping, there fell an exceeding violent and continuing glut of Rain, so that it flowed up to the threshold of the Tavern door, and no passenger could get over: By this time my good fellows having call'd, and paid the reckoning, they both came reeling to the door, and seeing so broad a water tumbled down Dowgate, one of them swore it was the Thames, and began to call a Sculler; the other being unwilling to engage further, said he would take his leave, which he did with so low a bending Complement, that his britch touching a little too hard against the stump of a post which was behind him, that it made him rebound into the middle of the stream with his head forward. The unfortunate fellow was no sooner in, but he began to stretch forth his Armes and Leggs to swim; the other which stood upon the shore, cryed out lamentably for the danger of his friend, and deploring the loss of so good a fellow, and what loss his Wife and Children would suffer in his death. But in conclusion (as the last word of Comfort) he calls out to him in these words. Dost thou hear Friend! Friend! if thou canst but Gaine Temple Staire's thou wilt be safe, I warrant thee, unto which the swimming man made reply. A pox of Gaine, I do not think of Gaine, if I can but save myself, I care not.
Quidam erat.
[5.]A preaching fryar there was, who thus began,
The Scripture saith there was a certaine man:
A certaine man? but I do read no where,
Of any certaine woman[88] mention'd there:
A certaine man, a phrase in Scripture common,
But no place shewes there was a Certaine Woman:
And fit it is, that we should ground our faith
On nothing more than what the Scripture saith.
[88] This is hardly warranted by fact. See Mark xii. 42; Luke xi. 27; Luke xxiv. 22.
[12.]A fellow once said
He would ne're keep his Bed,
Though sick, I heard him to tell it,
And his Reason was,
Nay I know the Cause,
For he still had a mind to Sell it.
[26.] A great German Prince, that was much addicted to Drinking, had drank so much one day, that the next he was very sick; then his Fool came in to him and askt him, why he was so melancholly? he told him his Sickness was occasion'd by drinking yesterday: Why then, says the Fool, if that be all, I'll be your Physician; that is, if you are ill with drinking one day, take a Hare of the same Dog. Well, says the Prince, and what the second day? The Fool told him the same again: And what the third day? the same too. And what at the fourth? Why the same. We'll come to the purpose, says he, and what the fifth day? Why Faith, says he, then you'll be as arrant a Fool as I am.
Mercurius Matrimonialis
or
Chapmen for the Ladies lately
Offered to Sale by Way of Auction.
(procured by one of their own Sex)
- [62.]A Country Gentleman, who has a very delicate Seat between 20 and 30 Miles off London, and a very considerable Estate, a very Proper Comely Person, but not very Witty.
- A Linnen Draper near the Stocks Market, a very handsome Genteel Man.
- A Milliner on the Royal Exchange, much admired for his Handsomness and Gentility.
- A Clergyman near Exeter, but now in Town, a pretty Black Man, a very good Scholar, proposes for a Joynture £200 per Ann. in Free-land.
- A Bookseller near the Exchange a very Sober Man, a Man of a Good Trade, besides some Estate.
- A Linnen Drapers Son in Cornhill, a very pretty genteel Man, his Father a Man of a very good Estate.
- A Goldsmith behind the Exchange—so, so.—
- A Miliner in Cheapside, near the end of Bread Street, very genteel but no conjurer.
- For the Brewers Daughter, a Lace Man in Pater Noster Row, who loves the smell of Malt and good Ale, of good heighth and Stature, and Stomach answerable.
- A Coffee Man, well lin'd with Broad Pieces of Gold, and has a good Trade, a Widdower, wants a Bar keeper.
- A lusty, stout proportion'd Man, had a good Estate before the Fire,[89] and is still fit for Woman's Service.
- A Bookseller's Son in Paul's Church yard, an extream Genteel man, and of the same kidney as the Mercer in Covent Garden.
- A Commission Officer, full of Courage, brim full of Honour, a well proportion'd Man, and very beautiful and yet wants Money.
- An Apothecary near Bread Street Hill, a very genteel Man, a Widdower.
- A Young Gentleman now learning to Dance, wants a Wife to guide him, his Estate £150 per Ann.
- A Haberdasher's Son in Cheapside, makes a great Figure in the World, his Education good, only wants a Wife, or Place.
- A diminutive Bookseller, very difficult in his Choice, £5000 proves a Temptation to him.
- A Mercer upon Ludgate Hill, Kin to a good Estate, his Trade indifferent:
- A young Merchant, whose Estate lyes on the Carriby Islands, if his Cargo misses the French Fleet, he makes a good Joynture.
- An Ancient Gentleman now purchasing an Estate, wants a rich Wife to stand by him.
- A Goldsmith near the Royal Exchange, a Widdower, of a very considerable Estate, besides a great Trade, will make a good Joynture, and perhaps keep a Coach, he's a very brisk Man.
[89] Although this "squib" is not dated, this allusion makes it probable it was written in Charles II.'s time.
[51.]One Climbing of a Tree, by hap,
Fell downe and brake his arme,
And did complaine unto a friend,
Of his unluckie harme.
Would I had counsel'd you before,
(quoth he to whom he spake)
I know a tricke for Climbers, that
They never hurt shall take.
Neighbour (sayd he) I have a Sonne,
And he doth use to climbe,
Pray let me know the same for him
Against another time?
Why thus, (quoth he) let any man
That lives, climbe nere so hie,
And make no more haste downe, than up,
No harme can come thereby.
[61.] A Gentleman who had constantly beene a good fellow, meeting with some of his friends at a mornings draught, told his Companions that, God forgive him, he went to bed like a beast last night. Why? quoth they, were you so drunk? No, quoth he, I was so sober.
SELDOME CLEANELY[90]
or
A merry new Ditty, wherein you may see,
The tricke of a Huswife, in every degree.
Then lend your attention while I doe unfold
As pleasant a story as you have heard told.
To the Tune of Upon a Summers time.
[63.]Draw neere you Countrey Girles
and lissen unto me,
Ile tell you here a new conceit
concerning Huswifery,
concerning Huswifery.
Three Aunts I had of late,
good Huswifes all were they,
But cruell death hath taken
the best of them away,
O the best &c—
O this was one of my Aunts,
the best of all the three,
And surely though I say it myselfe
a cleanly woman was she,
a cleanly &c.
My Uncle carelesse was
in wasting of his store,
Which made my Aunt to have a care
to looke about the more,
to looke &c—
When Winter time drew on
neere to All hollow day:
My Aunt did cast her wits about
to save her Straw and Hay.
to save &c—
And like a provident woman,
as plainely did apeare,
She starv'd her Bullockes to save her Hay,
untill another yeare.
O this was one of my Aunts,
the best of all the three
And surely, though I say't myselfe
a provident woman was shee.
But as she went to see
her cattell in the fields:
When she comes home, two pound of durt
hang dragling at her heeles.
O this &c
And there she let it hang
from Candlemas to May,
And then shee tooke a hatchet in hand,
and chopt it cleane away.
O this &c
In making of a cheese
my Aunt shewed her cunning,
Such perfit skill shee had at will,
shee never used running.[91]
O this &c
For having strain'd her milke
in turning once about,
Shee had the best Curd that ever you saw
by the sent[92] of the strayning clout.
O this &c
Shee was the choysest Nurse
that lived in all the West;
Her face was white as the charcoal flower
so was her neck and brest.
O this was one of my Aunts,
the best of all the three,
And surely, though I say't myselfe,
a cleanly good Nurse was shee.
The garments which she did weare
did shine like the brazen Crock,
And where she went, she bore such a sent
that the flyes blew in her frock.
O this &c
My Aunt so curious was,
as I to you may tell,
She used to make fat puddings
in markets for to sell.
O this &c
The smallest Candle end
my Aunt would never lose
It would helpe to make her puddings fat
with the droppings of her nose.
O this &c
Another trick she had
as I shall now declare,
Shee never swept the house,
about foure times a yeare.
O this &c
And when she swept the Hall,
the Parler or the Spence,
The dust was worth to her at least,
a shilling or 14 pence.
O this &c
One day my Aunt was set
by the fier side a spinning,
As she knew well what was to do
to wollen or to linnen.
O this &c
A change came in her minde,
her worke being in great hast,
She burn'd her Tow, her Wheele and all
because she would make no wast.
O this &c
My Aunt so patient was
of this I dare be bold,
That with her Neighbours shee
was never knowne to scolde.
O this &c
Her lips with lothsome words
she seldome would defile,
But sometimes she would whisper so loud
you might heare her half a mile
O this &c
Yet one condition more
unto you I will show,
Shee washt her dishes once a moneth,
and set them on a row.
O this &c
If other wise she had
but of a dish clout faile,
She would set them to the Dog to lick
and wipe them with his tayle.
O this &c
But to conclude in hast,
I hold it not amisse,
I love a cleanly huswife well
as may appeare by this.
O this was one of my Aunts
the best of all the three,
And surely, though I say't myselfe,
a cleanely woman was she.
L. P[93]
FINIS.
London. Printed for John Wright junior,[94] dwelling at the upper end of the Old Baily.
[90] For tune, see [Appendix].
[91] Rennet.
[92] Scent.
[93] ? Laurence Price.
[94] He published from 1641 to 1683.
Astrology (in the middle of the seventeenth century) was beginning to fall into disrepute, and Butler, in Hudibras, as well as Ben Jonson in The Alchemist, satirised unmercifully both the science and its professors. The accompanying engraving "The Astrologer's Bugg Beare" refers to an eclipse of the sun, an event, which even at that time was considered of dire portent. Take the title of one tract as a sample. [95]"The Shepherds Prognostication, Foretelling the sad and strange Eclipse of the Sun, which will happen on the 29 of March this present year 1652. which Eclipse will begin about eight of the Clock in the fore noon, and so continue till past the hour of eleven, which will be the dismallest day that ever was known since the year 33, when our Savior Christ suffered on the Crosse for the sins of Mankind, at which time the Seas did roare, the earth did quake, the graves did open, the temple rent from the top to the bottom, Luke 23. 45. And there was a darknesse over all the Land. This Prediction also foretells of many strange Presages and Passages which will follow after that horrible Eclipse of the Sun, and what will insue. With a perfect way whereby to avoid the insuing danger. By L. P." (? Laurence Price.) And the contents of the tract fully bears out its title.
But "L. P.," whoever he was, entered thoroughly into the joke of the thing, and, when it was all over, wrote a book, teeming with quiet satire, which was published on 9th April 1652, called—