The poore man payes for all.
This is but a dreame which here shall insue,
But the Author wishes his words were not true.
To the Tune of In slumbring sleepe I lay.
[56.]As I lay musing all alone
upon my resting bed,
Full many a cogitation
did come into my head:
And waking from my sleepe, I
my dreame to mind did call,
Methought I saw before mine eyes,
how poore men payes for all.
I many objects did behold,
in this my frightfull Dreame,
A part of them I will unfold;
and though my present Theame
Is but a fancy you may say,
yet many things doe fall
Too true alas; for at this day
the poore man payes for all.
Methought I saw (which caused my care)
what I wish were a fable,
That poore men still inforced are
to pay more than they are able;
Me thought I heard them weeping say,
their substance was but small,
For rich men will beare all the sway,
and poore men pay for all.
Me thought I saw how wealthy men
did grind the poore mens faces,
And greedily did prey on them,
not pittying their cases:
They make them toyle and labour sore,
for wages too too small:
The rich men in the Tavernes rore,
but poore men pay for all.
Methought I saw an Usurer old
walke in his Fox-fur'd gowne,
Whose wealth and eminence control'd
the most men in the Towne:
His wealth he by extortion got,
and rose by others fall,
He had what his hands earned not,
but poor men pay for all.
Me thought I saw a Courtier proud,
goe swaggering along,
That unto any scarce allow'd
the office of his tongue:
Me thought wert not for bribery,
his Peacocks plumes would fall,
He ruffles out in bravery,
but poor men pay for all.
Me thought I met (sore discontent)
some poore men on the way,
I asked one whither he went,
so fast, and could not stay?
Quoth he, I must go take my Lease,
or else another shall,
My Landlords riches doe increase,
but poore men pay for all.
Me thought I saw most stately wives
go jetting[82] on the way,
That live delightfull idle lives,
and go in garments gay:
That with the men their shapes doe change,
or else they'l chide and brawle,
Thus women goe like monsters strange,
but poore men pay for all.
Me thought I was i' th' countrey
where poore men take great paines,
And labour hard continually,
onely for rich mens gaines:
Like th' Israelites in Egypt,
the poore are kept in thrall,
The task-masters are playing kept,
but poore men pay for all.
Me thought I saw poore Tradesmen
i' th' City and else where,
Whom rich men keepe as beads-men,
in bondage, care, and feare:
Thei'l have them worke for what they list,
thus weakest goe to the wall,
The rich men eate and drinke the best
but poore men pay for all.
Me thought I saw two Lawyers base
one to another say,
We have had in hand this poore mans Case,
a twelvemonth and a day;
And yet wee'l not contented be
to let the matter fall,
Beare thou with me, & Ile beare with thee
while poore men pay for all.
Me thought I saw a red-nose Oast,
as fat as he could wallow,
Whose carkasse, if it should be roast,
would drop seven stone of tallow:
He grows rich out of measure,
with filling measure small,
He lives in mirth and pleasure,
but poore men pay for all.
And so likewise the Brewer stout,
the Chandler and the Baker,
The Mault man also without doubt,
and the Tobacco taker,
Though they be proud and stately growne,
and beare themselves so tall,
Yet to the world it is well knowne,
that poore men pay for all.
Even as the mighty fishes still,
doe feed upon the lesse;
So rich men, might they have ther will
would on the poore man ceaze[83]
It is a proverbe old and true,
that weakest goe to th' wall,
Rich men can drinke till th' sky looke blue,
but poore men pay for all.
But now, as I before did say,
this is but a Dreame indeed,
Though all dreames prove not true, some may
hap right, as I doe reade.
And if that any come to passe,
I doubt this my Dreame shall;
For still tis found too true a case,
that poore men pay for all.
FINIS.
Printed at London for H. G.
[82] Strutting.
[83] Seize.
A Witty answer of a Countrey fellow.
[52.] A Country fellow walking London Streets, and gazing up and down at every sight he saw, some mockt him, others pulled him by the Cloake, in so much he could not passe in quiet. He having as much wit, as the boyes knavery, thought hee would requite them for their kinde salutations, with something to laugh at, and to try their wits; and, comming to Paul's gate, where they sell pinnes and Needles, the boyes being very saucie, pulled him by the cloake, and one said. What lacke you friend? another, What lacke you Countryman? Quoth the fellow, minding to make himself some sport, I want a hood for a Humble Bee, or a payre of Spectacles for a blinde Beare: which so amazed the boy, that he had nothing to reply, and the Countrey Man went laughing away.
[32.] What is that which 20 will goe into a Tankard, and one will fill a Barn?
Solution. It is 20 Candles not lighted and one lighted.
[51.]A Sort of Clownes for loss which they sustain'd
By Souldiers, to the Captaine sore complain'd,
With dolefull wordes, and very woefull faces,
They Moov'd him to compassionate their Cases.
Good Sir (sayes one) I pray redress our wrong,
They that have done it, unto you belong;
Of all that eare we had we are bereft,
Except our very Shirts, theres nothing left.
The Captaine answer'd thus; Fellowes heare mee:
My Souldiers rob'd you not, I plainely see:
At your first speech, you made me somewhat sad,
But your last wordes resolv'd the doubt I had.
For they which rifled you left Shirts (you say)
And I am sure mine carry all away:
By this I know an errour you are in,
My Souldiers would have left you but your skin.
[4.] A brisk young Lady, seeing the Sheriff of a County who was a comely young Man, wait upon the Judge who was an old Man, was asked by one, which she had most mind to, the Judge or the Sheriff? She answered, the Sheriff. He asking the reason, she replied, That she loved Judgement well, but Execution much better.
[12.]One did praise dead Beer,
Says his Friend, I fear
That you have a Worm in your Head;
Why de'e praise dead Beer?
So must you too I swear,
We must all speak well of the dead.
[52.] It chanced, on a Bartholomew-day, when men keep Boothes in Smithfield, a Countrey Gentleman having some Store of money (and no lesse honesty) about him, comming to the Faire, would, amongst the rest needes view the pictures at that time hanging in the Cloysters, where was then much variety of postures, personages, stories, landskips, and such like, which carieth away the Senses, to a kinde of admiration for the present: and as he was thus gazing up and down, there comes a nimble diver (as at that time there resorts many) and closes with him, and quickly draws his purse forth of his pocket, and away he hies him presently: the Gentleman mist his purse, but knew not how to helpe himselfe. Going home to his lodging, and pondering in his minde how either to regain his losses, or to be revenged on the Pick-pocket, at length he bethought himself of this device: he caused an honest Taylor to sew a certain number of Fish hookes within, and round about the mouth of his pocket; with the poynts of the hookes hanging downward, and the next day hies him to the same place, in another Countrey like habit, and baites his Pocket with more money, and there he stood gazing againe at the pictures, presently his former fish (or one of his fraternity) closes with him again, and dives, which the Gentleman being watchfull of, gives a slip aside and had presently strucke the nibling fish into the hand, and feeling him fast, begins to goe away, and the more he hastes away, the deeper the hookes went into the Divers hand, Oh, (quoth the Pick-pocket) how now Sir (quoth the Gentleman) what makes your hand in my Pocket? Pull it out I say: Oh Sir (quoth he) I beseech you be good to me: The people gathering together, imagined the Gentleman had an inchanted Pocket, and that the fellow had not power to pull forth his hand again, they would have him before the Justice. No (quoth the Gentleman) Ile carry him myselfe, so away he went (with the fellowes hand in his Pocket) to a Taverne, with two or three of his friends, and told him what he had lost there the day before, and unlesse he would restore it, he would have him before a Justice: which match the fellow for feare of hanging, willingly condescended to surrender. And that ten pound, and ten shillings more towards the mending of his Pocket: so the Gentleman being well satisfied, ript forth his pocket, and away went the Cutpurse, who had so much picking worke to get out of his hands, he could not use his trade for a Moneth after.
[32.] I came to a tree where were apples, I eat no apples, I gave away no apples, nor I left no apples behind me: and yet I eat, gave away, and left behind me. Solution. There were three apples on the tree, for I eat one apple, gave away one apple, and left one. So I eat no apples, for I eat but one apple, which is no apples, and thus I gave away no apples, for I gave but one, and thus I left no apples for I left but one.
[5.]When Crassus in his office was instal'd,
For summs of money, which he yet doth owe,
A client by the name of Clerk him Call'd,
As he next day to Westminster did go.
Which Crassus hearing, whispers thus in's eare,
Sirrah, you now mistake, and much do erre,
That henceforth must the name of Clerke forbear,
And know I am become an Officer.
Alas (quoth he) I did not so much marke,
Good Mr Officer, that are no clerke.
[8.] When Sir Thomas Moore lived in the City of London, being one of the Justices of Peace, he used to go to the Sessions at New-gate, where it fell out that one of the ancientest Justices of the Bench was wont to chide the poor men whose purses had been cut, for not being more careful; telling them their negligence was the cause that so many cut-purses were brought thither, which when Sir Thomas Moore observed him so often to repeat at one time, especially; the night after, he sent for one of the chief Cut-purses that was in prison, and promised to save him harmless, and stand his friend too, if he would cut the aforesaid Justices Purse the next day as he sate on the Bench, and then presently make a sign of it to him: the fellow very gladly promiseth him to do it the next day; therefore, when they sate again, that Thief was called among the first, who, being accused of his fact, said he did not doubt but that he could sufficiently excuse himself, if he were permitted to speak to some of the Bench in private. He was therefore bid to chuse one who he would, and presently he chose that grave old man, who then had his pouch at his girdle, as they wore them in those dayes; and whilst he whispered him in the ear, he cunningly cut his purse, and then solemnly taking his leave, returns to his place. Sir Thomas knowing by a private sign, that the business was dispatcht, presently took occasion to move the Bench to distribute some alms to a poor needy fellow that was there, and for good example began himself to do it; when the old man came to open his purse, and sees it cut away, and, much wondering, said he was confident he brought it with him when he came thither that morning, Sir Thomas replied presently, What! will you charge any of us with felony? But his choler rising, and he being ashamed of the thing, Sir Thomas calls the Cut-purse and bids him give him his purse again, and withal advised the good old Justice hereafter Not to be so bitter a censurer of innocent mens negligence, when as himself could not secure his purse in that open assembly.
A merry Jest of John Tomson and Jakaman his Wife
Whose Jealousie was justly the cause of all their strife.
To the Tune of Pegge of Ramsey.[84]
[57.]When I was a Batchelour
I liv'd a merry life,
But now I am a married man,
and troubled with a wife,
I cannot doe as I have done,
because I live in feare,
If I goe but to Islington,
my wife is watching there
Give me my yellow Hose againe,
give me my yellow hose;
For now my wife she watcheth me,
see yonder where she goes.
But when I was a prentice bound,
and my Indentures made:
In many faults I have beene found
yet never thus afraid.
For if I chance now by the way
a woman for to kisse,
The rest are ready for to say
thy Wife shall know of this.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Thus when I come in company
I passe my mirth in feare,
For one or other merrily,
will say my wife is there.
And then my look doth make them laugh,
to see my wofull case:
How I stand like John hold my staffe,
and dare not shew my face.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
There comes a handsome woman in,
and shakes me by the hand:
But how my wife she did begin,
now you shall understand.
Faire dame (quoth she) why dost thou so?
he gave his hand to me:
And thou shalt know before thou go,
he is no man for thee.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Good wife (quoth she) now doe not scould,
I will doe so no more;
I thought I might have beene so bolde
I knowing him before.
With that my wife was almost mad,
yet many did intreat her;
And I, God knowes, was very sad,
for feare she would have beat her.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Thus marriage is an enterprise
experience doth show;
But scolding is an exercise,
that married men doe know.
For all this while there was no blowes,
yet still their tongues was talking;
And very fain would yellow hose
have had her fists a walking.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
In comes a neighbour of our towne,
an honest man, God wot:
And he must needes goe sit him downe,
and call in for his pot.
And said to me, I am the man
which gave to you your wife,
And I will doe the best I can,
to mend this wicked life.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
I gave him thankes, and bad him goe,
and so he did indeed,
And told my wife she was a shrow,
but that was more than need.
Saith he, thou hast an honest man,
and one that loves thee well;
Said she, you are a foole, good sir,
It's more than you can tell.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
And yet in truth he loveth me,
but many more beside;
And I may say, good Sir, to thee,
that I cannot abide,
For though he loves me as his life
yet now, sir, wot you what,
They say he loves his neighbours wife,
I pray you how like you that.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Saith he, I hope I never shall
seeke fancy fond to follow,
For love is lawfull unto all
except it be too yellow.
Which lyeth like the Jaundies so,
in these our Women's faces;
That watch their husbands where they go
and hunt them out in places.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Now comes my Neighbour's wife apace,
to talke a word or two,
My wife then meets her face to face,
and saith, dame, is it you
That makes so much of my good man,
as if he were your owne?
Then clamp as closely as you can,
I know it will be known.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
Now when I saw the woman gone,
I call'd my wife aside,
And said why art thou such a one,
that thou canst not abide
A woman for to talke with mee,
this is a wofull case,
That I must keepe no company
except you be in place.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
This maketh Batchelers to wooe
so long before they wed,
Because they heare that women now
will be their husband's head.
And seven yeare long I tarried
for Jakaman my wife,
But now that I am married
I am weary of my life.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
For yellow love is too, too bad,
without all wit or policie,
And too much love hath made her mad,
and fill'd her full of Jelousie.
She thinkes I am in love with those
I speake to passing by
That makes her wear the yellow hose
I gave her for to dye.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
But now I see shee is so hot
and lives so much at ease,
I will goe get a Souldiers coate,
and sayle beyond the Seas;
To serve my Captain where and whan,
though it be to my paine,
Thus farewell gentle Jakaman,
till we two meet againe.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Quoth she, good husband, doe not deale
thus hardly now with me,
And of a truth, I will reveale
my cause of jealousie:
You know I alwaies paid the score,
you put me still in trust,
I saved twenty pound and more,
confesse it needes I must.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
But now my saving of the same,
for aught that I doe know;
Made Jelousie to fire her frame,
to weave this web of woe:
And thus this foolish love of mine
was very fondly bent,
But now my gold and goods are thine,
good husband, be content.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
And thus to lead my life a new,
I fully now purpose;
That thou maist change thy coat of blew,
and I my yellow hose.
This being done, our Country wives
may warning take by me,
How they doe live such jealous lives,
as I have done with thee.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
M. L.
FINIS.
Imprinted at London for Edward Wright.[85]—
[84] For tune, see [Appendix].
[85] Edward Wright lived at Christ Church Gate, and published between 1620 and 1655, at which date he assigns to W. Gilbertson.
[17.] Two riding down a great hill together, one said, it was dangerous riding down: No, says t'other, I will not light; for I have but one pair of shooes, and I shall spoil 'em: says the other, and I have but one neck, and I fear I shall spoil that, and therefore I'l. light.
[12.]One hung a dirty sheet
On a pale in the street,
And there it did hang all the day
But 'twas stole at Night,
Says the Man, by this light
They have stole it clean away.
[52.] Three loytring companions that fell in company together, domineered and swaggered so long, that all their mony was quite consumed and gone. So being pennilesse, and having little or no credit at all left, one of them said, Wee are now in a faire taking: for we may, if we please seek our Dinners with Duke Humphry. Nay, hold (quoth the second) If I come where any presse of people be, I can get mony enough for us all. And I (quoth the third) can as easily assemble people. They were at that time not much above two miles from a small Towne in Bark shire, where, when as thither they came, there was a new Pillory, newly set up, which the third of them seeing, steps to the Bailiffe, and desires him to have the first turn at their new Pillory. The Bailiffe, being a Butcher, was half amazed, and standing a while musing, at the last asked counsell of his honest neighbours, and they bad him set up the knave and spare not. So he makes no more a doe, but up he went, and when he was up, he looked about, and saw his two fellow Cheaters busie with their hands in the holes of the Butcher's aprons, where they put all their money. To it, to it (quoth he) apace. The people laughed heartily to see him stand there. At last, when he saw that his fellows had sped their matters, and were going away, he said to the Bailiffe, Turn the Pillory about, and now I will come down. So he, laughing heartily, did. And when he was come down, the Bailiffe said, now art thou an honest good fellow, and because thou hast made us some sport, I will give thee a Teaster to drink; and, thinking to take some money out of the hole of his apron, he found there never a penny. Cockes armes, quoth the Bailiffe, my money is picked out of my apron; and then the rest of the Butcher's besides swore they had lost theirs also. I hope, quoth the fellow, you do not think that I have it. No, certainly, quoth the Bailiffe, I know well enough thou hast it not; for thou wert on the pillory all the while. Why then no harm, for I did it to make you merry, quoth the fellow, and so went his wayes.
[51.]Gentlemen that approch about my Stall,
To most rare Phisicke I invite you all;
Come neere and harken what I have to sell,
And deale with mee all those that are not well.
In this Boxe heere, I have such precious stuffe,
To give it prayse, I have not words enuffe:
If any Humour in your Braines be crept,
I'le fetch it out, as if your heads were swept.
Almost through Europe I have shewne my face
In every Towne, and every Market-place—
Behold this salve, (I do not use to lye)
Whole Hospitals there have been curde thereby.
I doe not stand heere like a tattar'd slave,
My Velvet, and my Chaine of Gold I have:
Which cannot be maintained by mens lookes;
Friends, all your Towne is hardly worth my Bookes.
There stands my Coach and Horses, t'is mine owne;
From hence to Turkie is my credite knowne:
In sooth I cannot boast, as many will,
Let nothing speake for mee, but onely skill.
See you that thing like Ginger-bread lies there.
My tongue cannot expresse to any eare
The sundrie vertues that it doth containe,
Or number halfe the Wormes that it hath slaine.
If in your Bellies there be crawlers bred
In multitudes like Haires upon your head,
Within some howers space, or there about,
At all the holes you have, I'le fetch them out,
And ferret them before that I have done,
Even like the Hare that foorth a Bush doth run.
Heere is a wond'rous Water for the Eye;
This for the Stomacke: Maisters will you buy?
When I am gone, you will repent too late,
And then (like fooles) among yourselves will prate,
Oh that we had that famous Man againe,
When I shall be suppli'd in France or Spaine:
Now, for a Stater,[86] you a Box shall have
That will the lives of halfe a dozen save.
My man has come, and in mine eare he sayes
At home for me at least an hundred stayes,
All Gentlemen; yet for your Good, you see,
I make them tarry, and attend for mee.
If that you have no Money, let me know,
Phisicke of almes upon you Ile bestow.
What Doctor in the world can offer more?
Such arrant Clownes I never knew before:
Heere you doe stand like Owles and gaze on mee,
But not a Penny from you I can see.
A man shall come to doe such Dunces good,
And cannot have his meaning understood?
To talke to senselesse people is in vaine,
I'le see you hang'd ere I'le come heere againe:
Be all diseas'd as bad as Horses be
And die in ditches like to Dogges, for me!
An Old-wives-medicine, Parseley, Time and Sage,
Will serve such Buzzards in this scurvey age:
Goose grease and Fennell, with a few Dog-dates,
Is excellent for such base lowzey mates:
Farewell, some Hempton[87] halter be the Charme,
To stretch your neckes as long as is mine arme.
[86] A "façon de parler;" a stater really was a tetradrachm in silver, and was worth about half a crown.
[87] Hempen.
The following is a Satire on card-playing, which, doubtless, was carried to excess by the Cavaliers in Charles I.'s time.
Puss my aple gainst thy mouse jle lay
The gam's mine jf thast ne'r a trump to play
Mister apes face thart deceiud in mee
I haue many trumpshers one dost see
For a pint of wine the drawer call
I come o prittie d'ye see this squall
Apes and Catts to play at Cards are fitt
Men & women ought to have more witt
[59.] A Continuation of a Catalogue of Ladies to be set up by Auction, on Monday the 6th of this Instant July.
Catalogues are distributed by the Booksellers of London & Westminster.