No Money, no Friend.
The Spendthrift he, when 'tis too late,
Laments his sad and Wretched state:
And all good Men he doth advise,
That they would Merry be and wise.
| The Tune is | { | All you that do desire to play |
| At Cards, to pass the time away. |
[111.]All you that freely spend your Coyn,
Come learn by this advice of mine;
That you no more so play the Fool,
Nor Tipple in the Fuddling-School:
For when that you have spent your store,
Your Host will turn you out o' th door.
This by experience I do know,
Who too too lately found it so:
Five hundred pound was left to me,
Which I consum'd immediately:
And when my Money was all gone,
I like an Ass was lookt upon.
While I had Gold and Silver store,
I thought the world did me adore:
For then each false dissembling Curr,
Would cry, your humble servant, Sir:
But now my Money is all spent,
Too late, poor Fool, I do lament.
When I was in Prosperity,
Each Tap-lach[218] that I passed by:
Would cringe and bow, and swear to be
My Servant to Eternity:
But now alas, my Money's gone,
And Servants I have never a one.
But now if to their house I go,
E're drink they draw, they'l surely know
If that my Pocket it will speak,
Which is enough my heart to break:
If not, then he who was my friend,
Out of the door soon will me send.
Oh, what a dreadful thing is this,
That I of all my Servants miss;
And those who did me oft invite,
To drink with them now do me slight:
But if again I Money get,
I surely then shall have more wit.
Yet is not spending all the Crime,
For idly then I spent my time,
And rather than Companions lack,
I'de pick up every Idle Jack:
And he that would me Master call,
Should me command, my Purse and all.
The Hostis she would flatter then,
And say I was a pretty Man:
And this so tickled then mine ear,
That I my praise so oft did hear:
Come hang't said I, giv's t'other Pot,
And thus I feasted every Sot.
At last I had no Money left,
And then was I of joys bereft;
My Host and Hostis they did frown,
And said I was a Drunken Clown:
So then was I dispis'd by all,
That me before did Master call.
From street to street as I did pass,
Folks cry'd, there goes a Drunken Ass,
Who not long since had Money store,
But now no Creature is more poor:
For Pots and Pipes made him so low,
That like a Beggar he doth go.
Then who would pitty such a one,
Who could not keep himself alone,
If Wife and Children he had had,
The case had then been far more sad:
But he no pitty doth deserve,
If for a bit of Bread he starve.
This is the pitty I do find,
That when I had it was so kind,
To him that said he was my friend,
I'de give him Wine and Money lend;
But now myself I have undone,
My Company all men do shun.
Let this my case a warning be,
That none may play the Fool like me:
A greater plague there cannot be,
Than falling from Prosperitie
Into a state so deadly low,
Your nearest friends will not you know.
Account your Money as your friend,
So shall you flourish to the end,
But when you come of friends to borrow,
It will but aggravate your sorrow:
To see how they will slight you then,
And say you are the worst of men.
Your Pot Companions will you slight,
In whom they once did take delight,
And while your Money it doth last
With Oaths they'l tye their friendship fast:
But when that you have wasted all,
Then from you will your Servants fall.
Such servants you may have good store,
Who help to eat you out of door,
And by their drinking in Excess,
Will help to make you Money less:
Then Young-men warning take by me,
That of my Money was too free.
This doth my Passion much provoke,
To think when I am like to Choake,
Those that I heretofore did feast,
They will not mind me in the least:
Nor make me drink, who once were proud,
To drink with me to be allow'd.
My Kindred and Relations near,
Who once did vow they lov'd me dear;
Will know me not, but me despise,
As loathsom to their scornful eyes:
For without Money there's no Friend,
And thus my Song in Woe doth End.
FINIS.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray,
and T. Passinger.
[218] Used as a term of contempt for a publican, taplash being very small beer, or the refuse of the casks.
[105.] Scogin on a time had two eggs to his breakefast, and Jacke his scholler should rost them, and as they were rosting, Scogin went to the fire to warme him, and as the eggs were rosting Jacke said, Sir, I can by sophistry prove that here be three Eggs. Let me see that, said Scogin. I shall tell you, sir, said Jacke: Is not here one? Yes, said Scogin. And is not here two, said Jacke? Yea, said Scogin, of that I am sure. Then Jacke did tell the first egge againe, saying, is not this the third? O said Scogin, Jacke thou art a good sophister. Wel, said Scogin, these two eggs shal serve me for my break fast, and take thou the third for thy labour, and for the herring that thou didst give mee the last day. So one goode turne doth aske another, and to deceive him that goeth about to deceive, is no deceit.
[94.] A Gentleman Hawk'd in another mans ground, to which the surly owner shew'd himself angry; at which the Gentleman spet in his face. What is your reason for that? said the Farmer. I cry you mercy, said the Gentleman, I gave you warning, for I hawked before I spet.
[67.] A Scholar traveyling, and having noe money, call'd at an Alehouse, and ask'd for a penny loafe, then gave his hostesse it againe, for a pot of ale; and having drunke it of, was going away. The woman demanded a penny of him. For what? saies he. Shee answers, for ye ale. Quoth hee, I gave you ye loafe for it. Then, said she, pay for ye loafe. Quoth hee, had you it not againe? which put ye woman to a non plus, that ye scholar went free away.
[93.] George (Peele) lying at an old Widdowes house, and had gone on so farre on the Score, that his credit would stretch no further: for she had made a vow not to depart with drinke or victuals without ready money. Which George seeing the fury of his froward Hostis, in griefe kept his Chamber; called to his Hostis and told her, she should understand that he was not without money, how poorely soever he appeared to her, and that my diet shall testifie: in the meane time, good Hostis, quoth he, send for such a friend of mine. Shee did: so his friend came: to whom George imparted his mind; the effect whereof was this, to pawne his Cloake, Hose and Doublet, unknowne to his Hostis: for, quoth George this seven nights doe I intend to keepe my bed. (Truly hee spake, for his intent was that the bed should not keepe him any longer). Away goes he to pawne his apparell; George bespeakes good cheere to supper, which was no shamble butcher stuffe, but according to the place; for, his Chamber being remote from the house, at the end of the Garden, his apparell being gone, it appeared to him as the Counter; therefore to comfort himselfe he dealt in Poultrie. His friend brought the money, supped with him: his Hostis hee very liberally payed, but cavelled with her at her unkindnesse: vowing that while he lay there, none should attend him but his friend. The Hostis reply'd, A God's name, she was well contented with it: so was George too: for none knew better than himselfe what he intended; but in briefe thus he used his kinde Hostis. After his Apparell and Money was gone, hee made bolde with the feather bed hee lay on, which his friend-ship convey'd away, having as villanous a Wolfe in his belly as George, though not altogether so wise; for that feather bed they devoured in two daies, feathers and all, which was no sooner digested, but away went the Coverlet, Sheetes and the Blancket; and at the last dinner, when George's good friend perceiving nothing left but the bed-cords, as the Devill would have it, straight came into his mind the fashion of a halter; the foolish kind knave would needs fetch a quart of sacke for his friend George; which Sacke to this day never saw Vintners Cellar; and so he left George in a cold chamber, a thin shirt, a ravished bed, no comfort left him, but the bare bones of deceased Capons. In this distresse, George bethought him what he might doe; nothing was left him; and as his eye wandred up and downe the empty Chamber, by chance he spied out an old Armour; at which sight George was the joyfullest man in Christendome; for the Armour of Achilles, that Ulysses and Ajax strove for, was not more precious to them, than this to him: for hee presently claps it upon his backe, the Halbert in his hand, the Moryon on his head, and so gets out the backe way, marches from Shorditch to Clarkenwell, to the no small wonder of those spectators that beheld him. Being arrived to the wished haven he would be, an old acquaintance of his furnished him with an old Sute and an old Cloake for his old Armour.
[102.]A Lawier being sicke and extreame ill,
Was mooved by his friends to make his will,
For they with one consent resolved all;
He never more would see Westminster Hall.
Hee feeling in himselfe his end was neere,
Unto their counsell did encline his eare;
And absolute gave all the wealth he had
To franticke persons, lunaticke and mad,
To no man else he would a pennie give,
But only such as doe in Bedlem live.
This caused his friends most strangely to admire,
And some of them his reason did require?
Quoth he, my reason to you I'le reveale:
That you may see with equitie I deale.
From mad mens hands I did my wealth receave,
Therefore that wealth to madmens hands I leave.
[110.] Not farre from maister Hobsons house, there dwelled one of those cunning men, otherwise called fortune tellers, such cossoning[219] companions, as at this day, (by their Crafts) make simple women beleeve how they can tell what husbands they shall have, how many children, how many sweetharts, and such like: if goods bee stole, who hath them, with promise to helpe them to their losses againe; with many other like deceiptfull elusions. To this wise man (as some termes him) goes maister Hobson, not to reap any benefit by his crafty cunning, but to make a Jest, and tryall of his experience, so, causing one of his servants to lead a masty[220] dog after him, staying at the Cuning mans doore with the dog in his hand, up goes master Hobson to ye wise man, requesting his skil, for he had lost ten pound lately taken from him by theeves, but when and how he knew not well. The cunning man knowing maister Hobson to be one of his neighbors, and a man of a good reputation, fell (as he made showe) to conjuring and casting of figures, and after a few words of incantation, as his common use was, hee tooke a very large faire looking glasse, and bad Maister Hobson to looke in the same, but not to cast his eyes backward in any Case; the which hee did, and therein saw the picture of a huge and large oxe with two broad hornes on his head, the which was no otherwise, but as hee had often deceitfully shewd to others, a cossoning fellow like the cunning man himselfe, clothed in an oxe hide, which fellow he maintained as his servant, to blinde the peoples eyes withall, and to make them beleeve hee could shew them the Divill at his pleasure in a glasse: this vision maister Hobson perceving, & gessing at the knavery thereof, gave a whistle for his dog, which then stayed below at the doore, in his man's keeping, which whistle being no sooner hard but the dog ran up the stayers to his maister, as hee had beene mad, and presently fastned upon the poor fellow in the oxe hide, and so tore him as it was pittifull to see. The Cunning man cried for the passion of God take off your dog. No, (quoth Maister Hobson) let the Divill and the Dogge fight, venture thou thy divill, and I will venture my dog. To conclude, the oxe hide was torne from the fellows backe, and so their knaveryes were discovered, and their cunning shifts layd open to the world.
[219] Cozening, cheating.
[220] Mastiff.
[94.] A Country fellow going down Ludgate Hill, his heels by chance slipping from him, fell upon his Breech: one standing by, told him that London Streets were stout and scornful: It may be so, quoth he, yet I made them to kisse my Breech, as stout as they were.
The London Ladies Vindication
of
Top-Knots:
With the many Reasons that She shows for the Continuation
of the same:
As also proving Men to be as Proud as themselves.
To the Tune of, Here I love, There I love: Or, The two English Travellers.
Licensed according to Order.
[112.]Young Women and Damsels that love to go fine,
Come listen a while to this Ditty of mine,
In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear
Our Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
I am a young Woman, 'tis very well known,
And I am resolv'd to make use of my own,
In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear
A Tower and Top Knot, with Powdered Hair.
They talk of a Calf which was seen in our dress,
But let us take Courage, Girls, nevertheless.
In spight of those Rumours, we'll constantly wear
A Tower and Top Knot, and Powdered Hair.
We are not such Fools to believe what they say,
'Tis fit that young Women should go fine and gay,
In spight of their Bugbears, brave Girls, let us wear,
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Were we to be Ruled by some sort of Men,
We should go like Women of Fourscore and Ten,
In spight of those Cox combs, brave Girls, we will wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Like Beautiful Angels we strive to appear,
The Hearts of our Husbands in order to cheer,
Then what is the Reason that we may not wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
If we are the Pleasure and Joy of their Life,
Pray when can they take more delight in a Wife,
Then at the same time when rich Garments they wear,
With Towers and Top Knots, and Powdered Hair.
We see the young Misses and Jilts of the Town,
Have six Stories high, as they walk up and down,
Then pray tell me why should not honest Wives wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
If we an't as Fine and as Gaudy as they,
Who knows but our Husbands might soon run astray,
Consider this, Women, and still let us wear
Our Towers and Topknots, with Powdered Hair.
It is but a Folly to tell us of Pride,
While we have these Arguments still on our side;
As long as we live we will flourishing wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Nay further I'le tell ye the case it is thus,
That all is not sav'd which is put in the Purse;
A Shopkeepers Lady she utters much Ware
When drest in her Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
What Man would not have his Wife richly Array'd
When as he well knows it enlarges his Trade;
Come, come, I must tell ye, 'tis fit we should wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Sometimes when our Husbands are out of the way,
Pray tell me what huffing young Gallants will stay,
If that a fine Delicate Wife were not there?
Then Hey for the Top Knots, and Powdered Hair.
Some young-men may flout us, yet mark what I say,
There's no Woman living, now Prowder than they;
Observe but the many knick-knacks which they wear.
More Costly than Top Knots, or Powdered Hair.
Their Wigg, Watch, and Rapiers we daily behold,
And Embroidered Wastcoats of Silver and Gold;
Likewise, Turn up Stockings, they constantly wear
More Costly than Topknots, or Powdered Hair.
If Pride be a sin and a folly, why then
Han't we a far better Example from Men?
If Gaudy Apparel those Gallants do wear,
We will have our Top Knots and Powdered Hair.
Printed for P. Brooksby, J. Deacon, J. Blare, J. Black.
[103.] A Gentleman in a Town in Hartfordshire, being much in Debt, was oblig'd to keep House close, a Bailiff who had been promised a great reward to take that Gentleman, having made several attempts in vain to snap him, at last resolv'd upon one that he thought could not fail, so pretending himself in dispair, came by the Gentlemans Parlor Window, (which was next the Street, and where he sat Writing every Day) and pulling out of his Pocket a Halter, made a Nooze, and seemed as if he intended to Hang himself therewith; a Grindstone was before the Door, upon which he got up, and threw the Rope over a good Bough of the Tree, and fastned it, and then put his Head in, concluding the Gentleman would whip out, and so he should arrest him; but as the Devil would have it, the Grindstone which stood firm like a Rock for him to get up, tumbled down as soon as ever the Halter was about his Neck, the Innocent, Unwary Gentleman seeing what past, sallied out, to Cut the Rope, and save the Man; but the Bailiff's Follower lying in Ambuscade, snap'd the Gentleman as soon as ever he peept out, and carried him off, and let his Master hang; who carried the Jest too far, and when the Gentleman told the Bailiff's Follower that his Master would soon be Dead if he did not cut him down—Let him be D—— said he, I have got my Prize, and I shall have the Reward, and my Masters place too.
[26.] A Man being very much diseas'd and weak, was bemoaning himself to his only Son, whom he lov'd very well. For, Jack, says he, if I stand, my Legs ake, if I kneel my Knees ake, if I go, my Feet ake, if I lie then my Back akes, if I sit my Hips ake, if I lean, my Elbows ake. Why truly, Father, says he, (like a good dutiful Child) I advise you, Father, to hang yourself an hour or two, and if that does not do, then come to me again.
[67.] A Scholer being at a Parson's house, stole a Pig; the Parson looking out at his window, spied him and said, Scholer, Scholer, I'le none of that. Noe more you shall, quoth ye Scholer, and ran away with it.
[82.] A Nobleman of France (as hee was riding) met with a yeoman of the Country, to whom he said, My friend, I should know thee, I doe remember I have often seene thee: My good Lord, said the Countryman, I am one of your Honors poore tenants, and my name is T. I. I remember thee better now (said my Lord) there were two brothers of you, but one is dead, I pray which of you doth remaine alive.
The aforesaid Nobleman having had a Harper that was blinde playing to him after supper, somewhat late, at last hee arose, and commanded one of his servants to light the Harper downe the staires: to whom the Serving man sayd, my Lord, the Harper is blind; thou ignorant knave, quoth my Lord, he hath the more need of light.
[105.] When that Scogin had taught his scholler that hee with helpe might be Sub deacon, he said to him, thou shalt goe to take orders, and I will go with thee. And if thou dost stand in any doubt, take heed to my booke, and give an eare to me, and I will helpe thee as much as I can. When all they that should take orders, were come to oppositions, Scogin did come forth with his scholler. And the Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the Psalter; which was this, Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum. Scogins scholler was blanke or amazed. Sir, said Scogin to the Ordinary, you shall understand that Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum, were unhappy fellowes, for they did trouble the children of Israel, and if they trouble my scholler, it is no marvell: but now I doe tell thee, my scholler, be not afraid of Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum, for I will stand beside to comfort thee, for Moab, Agareni &c can do thee no harm for they be dead. By reason that Scogin did so oft repeate these words, the scholler did reade this verse aforesaid: and through Scogins promise, the Ordinary was content that his scholler should take Orders, and be Sub deacon. After this when the orders were given againe, Scogin did speake to his schollers Father, to send in a letter three or foure peeces of gold. The Schollers Father was content so to doe; so that his son might be Deacon. Then said Scogin to his scholler, thou shalt deliver this letter to the Ordinary, when he doth sit in oppositions, and as soone as he feeleth the letter, he will perceive that I have sent him some money, and he will say to thee Quomodo valet magister tuus? that is to say, how doth thy Master? thou shalt say Bene: that is to say, well. Then will he say, Quid petis? What thing doest thou aske? Then thou shalt say, Diaconatum, to be a Deacon. Then the Ordinary will say, Es tu literatus? art thou learned? & thou shalt say Aliqualiter, somewhat. Now said Scogin, thou hast no more than three words to beare in mind in Latine, which is to say Bene, Diaconatum, and Aliqualiter. The father and the scholler were glad that by Scogins letters & the money he should be Deacon, & went to the oppositions, and delivered his letter with the money. The Ordinary perceiving money in the letter, said to the scholler. Quid petis? that is to say, what dost thou aske or desire? The scholler remembring Scogins words, that the first word was Bene, he said Bene, that is, well. When the Ordinary heard him say so, he said Quomodo valet Magister tuus? How doth thy Master? The scholler said, Diaconatum that is to say Deacon. The Ordinary did see he was a foole, & said, Tu es stultus, thou art a foole: the scholler said Aliqualiter, that is to say, somewhat. Nay, said the Ordinary not Aliqualiter, but Totaliter, a starke foole. Then the scholler was amazed, and said, sir, let me not goe home without mine Orders, and heere is another Angell of gold for you to drinke. Well, said the Ordinary, on that condition you will promise me to goe to your booke and learne, you shall bee Deacon at this time. Heere a man may see that money is better than learning.
[17.] In a wedding between a Gentleman of a great Family and no Wealth, and a Widdow of great Wealth; says one This is like a Black pudding; the one brought blood, and the other Suet and Oatmeal.
[110.] In the beginning of Queene Elizabeaths raigne, when the order of hanging out lanterne and Candlelight first of all was brought up; the bedell of the warde where Maister Hobson dwelt, in a darke evening crieing up and downe, hang out your lantornes; using no other words. Whereupon Maister Hobson tooke an empty lantorne, and according to the beadles call hung it out. This flout by the Lord Maior was taken in ill part, and for the same offence was sent to the counter; but being released, the next night following, the beadle thinking to amend his call, cried with a loud voice, hang out your lantorne and Candle. Maister Hobson hereupon hung out a lantorne and candle unlighted, as the beadle againe commanded, whereupon he was sent againe to the counter. But the next night the beadle being better advised, cryed, hang out your lantorne and candle light, hang out your lantorne and candle light, which maister Hobson at last did, to his great commendations, which cry of lanthorne and candle light is in right manner used to this day.
[94.] One observ'd it to be a good fashion that was worn now a days, because the Taylors had so contrivd it, that there was little or no Waste in a whole Suit.
The illustration to this satire on drunkenness (which is dated September 1652) is indebted for its point to the foxes, it being then a cant term when a man was drunk to say he was foxed; the geese denote the foolish behaviour of men when under the influence of drink.
BARNABIES SUMMONS:
or,
Paie your Groat in the Morning.
[113.] Intended for all Malaga Men, called Vintners, Sack drawers, White wine, Claret, Rhenish, Bastard Sherry, or Canary Blades, and Birds, together with all Ale Brewers, Beer Brewers (alias) Hogshead fillers, Barrellers, Tapsters, or Firkinners: As also for all Drawers, Tub Tapsters, Quaffers, Huffers, Puffers, Snuffers, Rufflers, Scufflers, and Shufflers, with Wine bibbers, Sack suckers, and Toast makers; not forgetting other depending Officers of a lower Rank, of our stumbling Fraternity, viz Bench whistlers, Lick-wimbles, Suck spigots, Hawkers, Spewterers, Maudliners, Fox catchers, including in the said Warrant as a Reserve, our true and trusty Friends for the speedier effecting our designe and purpose, All Vulcans, Crispins, Tinkers, Pedlars, and of late our endeared friends, the Society of Upstart Printers, and Newes Mongers; and excluding by special command, all Three peny Ordinary Sharks, as Bakers, Weavers, Tailors, Usurers, Snip Eared Scriveners, Presbyters, either English, Scotch, or Dutch, (but stay there a little) for though the last of these be good for nothing else, yet they are stout Drinkers and Drunkards; and therefore if they please to tiple as formerly they have done, and must doe now, they shall have the benefit of this our Warrant, provided they neither drink all, nor too much; our Warrant for the generall content of all Bonos Socios is set out in maner and forme following, that all whom it may concern (as it does too many) may, if they can stand, understand it.
Gently, good Cozen. Execute your Warrant. Beware your Geese.