Humour, Wit, & Satire of the Seventeenth Century

by Unknown

X.

Fill us more Ale, me thinks thy lazie gate

Is slower than the Tortoise, make more speed,

An tha'st a Female of an easie rate

Lets see her, for my flesh doth tumults breed:

Run on, thoul't wish when that day comes thou must

Give an account, that thou hadst been more just.

[86.] A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of the Parliament coyne, taking it in his hand, and turning it backward and forward; when he had read the circumscription of it, said, Here are Crosses enough, I trow me, but how long they shall last I know not, for I see here the Commonwealth of England, and God with Us are not of one side.

[93.] George (Peele) on a time being happily furnished both of horse and money, though the horse he hired, and the money he borrowed: but no matter how he was possest of them, and towards Oxford he rides to make merry with his friends and fellow students: and in his way he tooke Wickham, where he sojourned that night: Being at supper accompanied with his Hostis, among other table-talke, they fell into discourse of Chirurgerie, of which my Hostis was a simple professor. George Peele observing the humour of my she Chirurgion, upheld her in all the strange cures she talked of, and praised her womanly endevour; telling her, he loved her so much the better, because it was a thing that he professed, both Physicke and Chirurgirie; and George had a Dictionary of Physicall words, that it might set a better glosse upon that which he seemingly profest: and told his good Hostis, at his returne he would teach her something that should doe her no hurt; for (quoth he) at this instant I am going about a great Cure as farre as Warwick-shire to a Gentleman of great living, and one that hath beene in a Consumption this half yeare, and I hope to doe him good. O God (quoth the Hostis) there is a Gentleman not a quarter of a Mile off, that hath beene a long time sicke of the same disease: Beleeve me, Sir, (quoth the Hostis) would it please your Worship e're your departure in the morning, but to visit the Gentleman, and but spend your opinion of him, and I make no question but the Gentlewoman will bee very thankfull to you. I' faith (quoth George) happely at my returne I may, but at this time my haste is such that I cannot: and so good night, mine Hostis. So away went George to bed; and my giddy Hostis, right of the nature of most women, thought that night as long as tenne, till shee was delivered of that burthen of newes which she had received from my new Doctor: (for so hee termed himselfe). Morning being come, at breake of the day, mine Hostis trudges to this Gentlemans house, acquainteth his wife what an excellent man she had at her house: protesting he was the best seene in Physicke, and had done the most strangest cures that ever she heard of; saying that if shee would but send for him, no question he would doe him good. The Gentlewoman glad to heare of any thing that might procure the health of her Husband, presently sent one of her men, to desire the Doctor to come and visit her Husband. Which message when George heard, hee wondred; for hee had no more skill in Physicke than in Musicke, and they were as distant both from him, as heaven from hell. But, to conclude, George set a bold face on it, and away he went to the sicke Gentleman; where, when hee came, after some complement to the Gentlewoman, hee was brought to the Chamber, where the ancient Gentleman lay wonderfull sicke: for all Physicke had given him over: George beginnes to feele his Pulses and his temples, saying, hee was very farre spent; yet, quoth hee, under God I will doe him some good, if Nature bee not quite extinct. Whereupon hee demanded whether they had ever a Garden? That I have, quoth the Gentlewoman. I pray you direct me thither, quoth George. Where, when hee came, hee cut a handfull of every Flowre, Herbe and Blossome, or whatsoever else in the Garden, and brought them in the lapid[¹⁸¹] of his Cloake, boyled them in Ale, strained them, boyled them againe, and when he had all the juyce out of them, of which he made some pottle[¹⁸²] of drinke, he caused the sicke Gentleman to drinke off a maudlin[¹⁸³] Cup full, and willed his wife to give him of that same at morninge, noone, and night: protesting, if any thing in this world did him good, it must bee that: giving great charge to the Gentlewoman to keepe him wonderfull warme: and at my returne, quoth George, some tenne dayes hence, I will returne and see how hee fares: For, quoth he, by that time something will be done; and so I will take my leave. Not so, quoth the Gentlewoman, your Worshippe must needes stay and take a simple dinner with mee to day. Indeede, quoth George, I cannot now stay, my haste is such, I must presently to Horse. You may suppose George was in haste untill he was out of the Gentleman's house: for hee knew not whether he had poysoned the Gentleman or not, which made him so eager to bee gone out of the Gentleman's house. The Gentlewoman seeing shee could by no meanes stay him, gave him two brace of Angels, which never shined long in his purse, and desired him at his returne to know her house: which George promised, and with seeming nicenesse took the gold, and towards Oxford went he, fortie shillings heavier than he was, where hee bravely domineered while his Physicall money lasted. But to see the strangenesse of this: Whether it was the vertue of some herbe which hee gathered, or the conceit the Gentleman had of George Peele, but it so pleased God the Gentleman recovered, and in eight dayes walked abroad; and that fortunate potion which George made at randome, did him more good than many pounds that he had spent in halfe a yeere before in Physicke. George his money being spent, he made his returne towards London; and when he came within a mile of the Gentlemans house, hee enquired of a Countrey fellow how such a Gentleman did. The Fellow told him, God be praised, his good Landlord was well recovered by a vertuous Gentleman that came this way by chance. Art thou sure of it? quoth George. Yes, beleeve me, quoth the fellow, I saw him in the Fields but this morning. This was no simple newes to George. He presently set spurres to his Horse, and whereas hee thought to shunne the Towne, hee went directly to his Inne: at whose arrivall, the Hostis clapt her hands, the Oastler laught, the Tapster leapt, the Chamberlaine ran to the Gentlemans house, and told him the Doctor was come. How joyfull the Gentleman was, let them imagine that have any after-healths. George Peele was sent for, and after a Million of thankes from the Gentleman and his friends, George Peele had 20 pounds delivered him: which money, how long it was a spending, let the Tavernes in London witnesse.

[¹⁸¹] Lappet.

[¹⁸²] A measure of two quarts.

[¹⁸³] Query, middling-sized.

[14.]A Man of Wales between S^t David's day and Easter,

Was on's host score for cheese great store, a tester.

His host did chalk it up behind the doore,

And said, For cheese, good Sir, come pay your score.

I wonder then, quoth he, what meaneth these?

Dost think her Country knows not chalk from Cheese?

THE
Merry Gossip's Vindication,
To the Groats worth of good Councel Declaration.

Some Women can drink, and be drunk night and day,

For all the fault is laid most on the Men, they do say,

For if a Man do intend for to thrive,

Then he must be sure to ask leave of his Wife.

To the Tune of Digbies Farewel.

A Company of Gossips that love strong bub,[¹⁸⁴]

that met at an Alehouse, and there they did club,

They called for the short Pot, and likewise for the long,

come Tapster, be quick, for we soon must begon.

They cupt it about, and they made such great hast,

till their nose and their face were all of a blaze.

A Man he may work all the days of his life,

but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intends for to thrive.

What is't for a Man to marry a Wife,

if she proves a drunkard, hee'l be weary of his Life,

As there is in London and England all or'e

they'l take it so sweetly till they lye on the floor.

When a knot of merry Gossips are gotten together,

they then take no care for fare or foul weather.

There's many a Husband takes pains and do's thrive,

but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intend for to thrive.

When the Ale and the Brandy doth work in their head,

they care not a pin how their Children are fed,

Then one saies here Sister i'le drink unto thee

our Husbands are bound to maintain us truly.

I have a shilling saies one, I have two saies another,

we will let it fly now we are together.

And thus you may see although a Man strive

he must ask his Wifes leave if he intend for to thrive.

When their Bellies are full they are bound to give o're,

they have drunken so much they can drink no more,

Then they'l hast to go home when they hardly can stand,

you laugh for to see them then go hand in hand.

A Man he is mad that hath got such a Wife,

he may work and may toyl all the days of his Life.

There's many a Husband &c

They tottor and wattor and fall in the Dirt,

then the Boys they will shout, and them will make sport,

Sometimes they cry a Hare and sometimes cry a ——

to see them so drunk then they cry out the more;

Its a inconvenience for a Woman (to) do so

to take so much drink that she can hardly go.

There's many a Husband &c—

There is some that is known that will drink all the day,

& within night come home drunk, & not a word they can say,

I'le promise you true there so heavy i' th' head,

they lye on the Stairs and they cannot go (to) Bed:

It needs now must be a great shame unto those,

for a Woman so drunk she cannot put of her Cloaths.

There's many a Husband &c

Some Women will set there Husband o' th' Skore,

more than they are able to pay to be sure,

When they are absent and taking of Pains,

thus they lye at the Alehouse, and consume all their gains;

Which makes many a Man to fret all his life,

because he is so tide to such a careless Wife.

There's many a Husband &c

But for civil good Women I have nothing to say,

they deserve a great praise though all these go astray,

They are a great shame to the rest of their Sex,

and many a good Woman to see them is vext:

For a Woman to bring herself in such a Snare,

and of Husband and Children have no better care.

There's many a Husband &c

It is good for a Woman (to) live in a good way,

& keep at home with her Family, that nothing goes astray,

Then her Husband will love her the better sure,

and let her want nothing that he can procure:

For a Woman that's given to wast and consume,

makes many a honest man be not for home.

There's many a Husband &c

What is't for a Woman to drink and to swill,

and never be satisfied till her Belly be full,

And then there, one husband they straight will abuse,

with all the base names that they ever can use:

And then, if her Husband but strike her a blow,

she ready crys Murther, all this we may know.

There's many a Husband &c

And now all good Women that heareth this Song,

I pray you forgive me if I have done you any wrong,

I will not condemn all for half a Skore,

I dare say in our Parish, wee have a great many more:

Besides other places; God send them to mend,

and then I do hope they take me for their friend.

There's many a Husband &c

And now to conclude, there is no more to be said,

I wish that this Song it often be read

Amongst the good Women that love for to club,

and spendeth their money in Brandy and Bub:

And then you shall see what brave days they will spend,

your Housekeeping will be better at every Day's end.

There's many a Husband &c

Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.

[¹⁸⁴] Drink.

[52.] A Gentleman of Franckford in Germany, had borowed of a Jew (of the same town) a thousand Duckets,[¹⁸⁵] and missing his day of payment, he sought from time to time to absent himself from his Creditor. Not long after, the Jew espied him going into a Barbers shop, and ran presently and fetcht a couple of Sergeants to arrest the debter, now at the Barbers a trimming. Which done the Jew came and found the Gentleman halfe shaved, and demanded whether hee would instantly discharge his debt, or accept the arrest. The Gentleman being driven to a non plus, caught sudden hold of his sword and asked the Jew if hee would not attend till his beard was all shaved? The Jew answered, Yea, with all his heart. Why then, (quoth the Gentleman) Barber and Serjeants beare witnesse what the Jew hath promised. Contented (quoth the Jew.) Well, Barber, then I will not have my beard shaven this twelve moneth. The Jew began to stamp, curse, and ban, and finally procured the Sergeants to carry him before a Governor, who, well considering the matter, dismissed both the gentleman and the Jew, as both free men, without farther challenge of debt, untill the Gentlemans beard was all shaven, which till his dying day he never suffered. And the Jew lost his money.

[¹⁸⁵] A coin struck by dukes: a ducat was worth in silver about 4s. 6d., in gold about 9s. 6d.

[17.] A new Mayors Wife of a Town in the West, came to Church the first Sunday after her husband was chosen; and just as she came into the Church, the people began to stand up at the Creed; which the poor heart mistook, and took it to be an honour done purposely to her; An't please God, says she, I'll requite you all before my Husband goes out of his Office.

[4.] A certain King being sick, one pray'd that he might reign as long as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.

[4.] Some Scholars having a spight against their Master, because of his Harshness to them, resolved to play him some trick; so knowing him to be a very Curious neat Man, they daubed the Railes of the Stairs with some Tar. Now the Master coming down in the Dark, laid his Hands in it, which set him into a terrible feu'd; so he call'd all his Schollars, and took them into strict Examination; but, suspecting one above the rest, he was very sharp upon him, urging him to confess it, telling him he did it. The Boy utterly denied it; but the Master was the more pressing upon him. Indeed, said the Lad, with all the Asseverations imaginable, I did it not, but if you please, I'll tell you who had a hand in it: Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth, and so very eagerly asked him who? Your Worship, Sir, says he: Whereupon he was dismissed, with the applause of all his Fellows, for his Ingenuity.

[26.] In a discourse at Table, wherein they chiefly treated of strange things, and one among them said, that he had a piece of the Hawthorn Tree in a Box, which always bloom'd on Christmass day for many years together, and at last was robb'd of it by some of the Parliament Forces, and could never get it again. Why, says one, how could it live and bloom as you say without some earth, or the Sun's influence? Why, says he, d'ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on Christmass-day, that it had not the vertue also to bloom without the help of the Sun or earth? and so let out some Oaths to confirm it.

But another being by, to fit him in his Story; and to make it appear to be truth (as you know it was) began to confirm what t'other had said, with some Oaths too. For, says he, I my self have seen that Haw thorn Tree bloom a hundred Christmas-day, and if I were to say a Hundred more, I should not lie; and I went once thither, when they were come to the Berries, which were red, large and hard; and so took some of them, and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it, as the fashion is now (for you know our fashion in England for Cloaths never alters) and when I and some others were at Church together upon Christmass day in the morning, little thinking of it, about Ten of the Clock precisely (he swore) that the branches sprung out so fast and so thick, that he was covered all over with them; insomuch that he lookt as if he had been in a Wood, and so heavy they were upon him, that he could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht an Axe, and cut away all the Boughs, that he might see his way out; and when they had done, he went home in this posture to his lodging; and swore also, that there was as much Wood cut off, as serv'd him all that Winter for fewel to his Chamber; but however, says he, I had rather be at the charge of the Wood than to be served so agen. But Gentlemen I tell you this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you before: whereas you were in doubt for a great while whether it was truth or no: but I hope there's no doubt now: and so swore it agen.

[78.] One demanded of a wild yong Gentleman the reason why he would sel his land? who answered because he hoped to go to heven, which he could not possibly do til he forsook earth.

[91.]Learning hath fed me, yet I know no letter,

I have liv'd among books, yet am never the better:

I have eaten up the Muses, yet I know not a verse,

What student is this, I pray you rehearse?

Resolution, A Worme bred in a booke.

[18.] A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, intreated a Friend of his to come to hear him. But he begged his Excuse, saying, that he was loth to disturb him in his Solitude. Another who had not the luck to please his Auditors; He did better last Year, said one. How can that be? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that very Thing he did better, reply'd the first.

[17.] One told a Bakers Son, that his Father was a Knave: Truly, says he, Though I say it, that should not say it, my Father is as honest a man as ever lived by bread.

the complaint of M. Tenter-hooke the Proiector, and Sir Thomas Dodger the Patentee.[¹⁸⁶]

"I have brought money to fill your Chest

For which I am curst by most and least."

"Ov'r many yeare a scraping is left at a clap,

All thou hast gotten by others mishap."

If any aske, what things these Monsters be,

Tis a Projector and a Patentee:

Such, as like Vermine o're this Land did crawle,

And grew so rich, they gaind the Devill and all.

[¹⁸⁶] "On a broadside, entitled as above, is a woodcut, which represents a 'Projector' who has a pig's (? fox's) face, a fox's ears, screws for legs, and fish hooks for fingers, bears a measure of coal, and a barrel of wine on his legs respectively, tobacco pipes, dice, roll tobacco, playing cards, and a bundle of hay slung to his body, papers of pins on his right arm, and a measure for spirits on his left arm, a barrel (? for soap or butter) and a dredger, (? for starch) on the skirts of his coat.

"The introduction of screws here may be illustrated by the speech of Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star Chamber for saying that merchants were more screwed up and wronged in England than in Turkey; he was fined £2000."—Catalogue of Prints and Drawings in the British Museum, No. 263.

[101.]Loe I, that lately was a Man of fashion

The Bug-beare and the Scarcrow of this Nation

Th' admired mighty Mountee banke of Fame,

The Juggling Hocus Pocus of good name,

The Bull-begger, who did affright and feare,

And rake, and pull, teare, pill, pole, shave, and sheare,

Now Time hath pluck'd the Vizard from my face,

I am the onely Image of disgrace.

My ugly shape I hid so cunningly

(Close cover'd with the cloake of honesty)

That from the East to West from South to North,

I was a man esteem'd of ex'lent worth.

And (Sweet Sir Thomas Dodger) for your sake,

My studious time I spent, my sleepes I brake,

My braines I tost with many a strange vagary,

And (like a Spaniell) did both fetch and carry,

To you, such Projects, as I could invent,

Not thinking there would come a Parliament.

I was the great Projector, and from me,

Your Worship learn'd to be a Patentee,

I had the Art to cheat the Common-weale,

And you had tricks and slights to passe the Seale.

I tooke the paines, I travell'd, search'd, and sought

Which, (by your power) were into Patents wrought.

What was I but your journey man, I pray,

To bring youre worke to you, both night and day:

I found Stuffe, and you brought it so about

You (like a skilfull Taylor) cut it out,

And fashion'd it, but now (to our displeasure)

You fail'd exceedingly in taking measure.

My legs were Screws, to raise thee high or low,

According as your power did Ebbe or Flow:

And at your will I was Screwd up too high

That tott'ring, I have broke my necke thereby.

For you, I made my Fingers fish-hookes still

To catch at all Trades, either good or ill,

I car'd not much who lost, so we might get,

For all was Fish that came into the Net.

For you, (as in my Picture plaine appeares)

I put a Swines face on, an Asses eares,

The one to listen unto all I heard

Wherein your Worships profit was prefer'd,

The other to tast all things, good or bad.

(As Hogs will doe) where profit may be had.

Soape, Starch, Tobacco, Pipes, Pins, Butter, Haye,

Wine, Coales, Cards, Dice, and all came in my way,

I brought your worship, every day and houre,

And hope to be defended by your power.

Sir Thomas Dodgers Answer.

Alas good Tenter hooke, I tell thee plaine,

To seeke for helpe of me tis but in vaine:

My Patent which I stood upon of late,

Is like an Almanacke that's out of Date.

T'had force and vertue once, strange things to doe,

But now it wants both force and vertue too.

This was the turne of whirling Fortune's wheele,

When we least dream'd we should her changing feele.

Then Time, and fortune, both with joynt consent

Brought us to ruine by a Parliament:

I doe confesse thou broughtst me sweet conceits

Which now I find were but alluring baits,

And I, (too much an Asse) did lend mine eare,

To credit all thou saydst, as well as heare.

Thou in the Project of the Soape didst toyle,

But 'twas so slippery, and too full of oyle,

That people wondred how we held it fast

But now it is quite slipp'd from us at last.

The Project for the Starch thy wit found out,

Twas stiffe a while, now limber as a Clout,

The Pagan weed (Tobacco) was our hope

In Leafe, Pricke, Role, Ball, Pudding, Pipe, or Rope.

Brasseele, Varina, Meavis, Trinidado,

Saint Christophers, Virginia, or Barvado;

Bermudas, Providentia, Shallowcongo,

And the most part of all the rest (Mundungo[¹⁸⁷]).

That Patent, with a whiffe is spent and broke,

And all our hopes (in fumo) turn'd to smoake.

Thou framdst the Butter Patent in thy braines,

(A Rope and Butter take thee for thy paines.)

I had forgot Tobacco Pipes, which are

Now like to thou and I, but brittle ware.

Dice run against us, we at Cards are crost,

We both are turn'd up Noddies,[¹⁸⁸] and all's lost.

Thus from Sice-sinke,[¹⁸⁹] we'r sunke below Dewce-ace,[¹⁹⁰]

And both of us are Impes of blacke disgrace.

Pins pricke us, and Wine frets our very hearts.

That we have rais'd the price of Pints and Quarts.

Thou (in mine eares) thy lyes and tales didst foyst.

And madst me up the price of Sea-coales hoyst.

Corne, Leather, Partrich, Pheasant, Rags, Gold twist,

Thou brought'st all to my Mill, what was't we mist?

Weights, Bon lace,[¹⁹¹] Mowstraps, new, new, Corporation,

Rattles, Seadans,[¹⁹²] of rare invented fashion,

Silke, Tallow, Hobby-horses, Wood, red herring,

Law, Conscience, Justice, swearing, and For-swearing.

All these thou broughtst to me, and still I thought

That every thing was good that profit brought,

But now all's found to be ill gotten pelfe,

I'le shift for one, doe thou shift for thyselfe.

FINIS.

John Taylor[¹⁹³]

London. Printed by E. P. for Francis Coles, dwelling in the Old Baily. 1641.

[¹⁸⁷] Trashy tobacco—from the Spanish Mondóngo, paunch, tripes, black pudding.

[¹⁸⁸] Fools; but there was also a game at cards called noddy, supposed to have been the same as cribbage.

[¹⁸⁹] Corrupt French terms used for the numbers on dice—six-five.

[¹⁹⁰] Two-one.

[¹⁹¹] Bone-lace.

[¹⁹²] Sedan chairs, which are said to have been introduced into England in 1581, and first used in London in 1623. Sir Sanders Duncombe obtained a patent, or privilege, for them in 1634.

[¹⁹³] The water poet.

[82.] A Mayor that was on hunting (by chance) one asked him how hee liked the Cry: a pox take the Dogs, saith he, they make such a bawling, that I cannot heare the Cry.

[82.] An old Justice was fast asleepe on the Bench when a poore Malefactor was judged to bee hanged; at which word the Justice suddenly awaked, and said to the Thiefe, My friend, I pray let this bee a warning to you, looke you doe so no more, for wee doe not show every man the like favour.

[94.] One seeing another wear a Threadbare Cloak, asked him whether his Cloak was not sleepy, or no? Why do you ask? said the other. Because, saith he, I think it hath not had a Nap this seven years.

[102.]Monsieur Domingo is a skilfull man,

For much experience he hath lately got,

Proving more Physick in an alehouse can,

Than may be found in any Vintner's Pot;

Beere he protests is sodden and refin'd,

But this he speakes, being single penny lin'd,

For when his purse is swolne but sixpence bigge,

Why then he sweares; now by the Lord I thinke

All Beere in Europe is not worth a figge:

A cup of Claret is the onely drinke,

And thus his praise from Beere to Wine doth goe

Even as his Purse in pence doth ebbe and flowe.

[93.] George (Peele) was invited one night by certaine of his friends to supper, at the White Horse in Friday Street: and in the evening as he was going, hee met with an old friend of his, who was so ill at the stomacke, hearing George tell him of the good cheere he went to, himselfe being unprovided both of meate and money, that he swore he had rather have gone a mile about, than have met him at that instant. And beleeve me, quoth George, I am heartily sorry that I cannot take thee along with mee, myselfe being but an invited guest; besides, thou art out of Cloathes, unfitting for such a company. Mary, this I'le doe, if thou wilt follow my advice, I'le help thee to thy supper. Any way, quoth hee to George doe thou but devise the meanes, and I'le execute it. George presently told him what hee should doe; so they parted. George (was) well entertained, with extraordinary welcome, and seated at the upper end of the Table; Supper being brought up, H.M. watched his time below; and when he saw that the meate was carried up, up hee followes, (as George had directed him) who when George saw, You whorson Rascall (quoth George) what make you heere? Sir, quoth he, I am come from the partie you wot of. You Rogue, quoth George, have I not forewarned you of this? I pray you, Sir, quoth hee, heare my Errand. Doe you prate, you Slave? quoth George, and with that, tooke a Rabbet out of the Dish, and threw it at him. Quoth hee, you use me very hardly. You Dunghill, quoth George, doe you out face me? and with that took the other Rabbet, and threw it at his head; after that a Loafe; then drawing his dagger, making an offer to throw it, the Gentleman staid him: meane while HM. got the Loafe and the two Rabbets, and away he went: which when George saw he was gone, after a little fretting, he sate quietly. So by that honest shift, hee helped his friend to his supper, and was never suspected for it of the Company.

[17.] Two Clerks belonging to one Church, and having both of them sate up most part of the night, were both asleep when Sermon was done: a man jogg'd one of them, and bid him sing a Psalm, for Sermon was done. Sing, All People, saies he: The other then awak'd, and hearing him say so said, Hang all people, sing me the hundred Psalm.

[4.] One boasting of his Credit, said, He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time, on his own Bond, without either Scrip or Scrowl.

[26.] One told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many years together, whose name was Roan, and being tired with working all day, poor Jade, slept soundly at night; which a thievish fellow espying, flay'd off his Skin, whilest he slept, and went away with it: But Old Roan when he awak't (though 'twas a bitter cold night) yet, poor thing, he came home to the Mill door and neighed very loud, which the honest Miller, hearing, awak't his Wife, and askt her whether that was not the neighing of old Roan? Truly, Husband, says she, it is, let us rise and see what's the matter with him; and when they came out, they wondred to see him in such a pickle: Well Husband, says she, since 'tis as 'tis, I'd have you kill Five or Six of your Sheep (and tomorrow being Market Day, we can sell their Flesh there) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot upon poor Roan; which he presently did, with his dear Wife's help, and clapt them hot upon the Horse's flay'd Back; which with the Cold night were presently froz'd on, and the Horse as well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life, and I am sure you'll say warmer: And this Horse, said he, they kept for many years after, and every year it brought him Thirty Tod[¹⁹⁴] of Wool: And I hope you will believe it; but if you dont believe it, I pray take notice, that I am not bound to find you stories and belief too. Then they all concluded it was true—lie so.

[¹⁹⁴] A tod of wool weighs 28 lbs.

[91.] What is that which produceth teares without sorrow, takes his journey to heaven, but dies by the way, is begot by another, yet that other is not begot without it? Resolution. Smoake.

[103.] A Clipper[¹⁹⁵] being Sentenc'd to Death, when he came to Tyburn, the Parson was very busie in preparing him for another World, amongst other things he told the Criminal, that it was no small Happiness to have had so much time to Repent, that he might have died suddenly, and by many Accidents, and so have been snatch'd away in a Moment, and gone Headlong down to Hell; but that now he was almost sure he shou'd go to Heaven, and lie in Abraham's Bosom; Say you so, Sir, says the poor Patient, 'tis very good News, but if you please you shall have my Place, for I had rather stay here a little longer.

[¹⁹⁵] Of coin, a capital offence.

[17.] A Witch being at the stake to be burnt, she saw her Son there; and being very dry, desir'd him to give her some drink: No, Mother, says the Sweet conditioned Son, 'twill do you wrong, for the dryer you be, you'll burn all the better.

[4.] A foolish young Esquire, being newly come to his Estate (taking after the old Miser his Father, grew covetous.) He hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas. What, said he, do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expenses? I will have but half a one killed at a time.

A Song in Praise of the Leather Bottel.[¹⁹⁶]

Shewing how Glasses, and Pots are laid aside,

And Flaggons and Noggins they cannot abide;

And let all Wives do what they can,

'Tis for the Praise and Use of Man;

And this you may very well be sure,

The Leather Bottel will longest endure;

And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell

That first devised the Leather Bottel

To the Tune of The Bottle Maker's Delight, &c.

[104.]God above that made all things,

The Heavens, the Earth, and all therein,

The Ships that on the Sea do Swim,

To keep Enemies out that none comes in;

And let them do all what they can,

'Tis for the Use and Praise of Man.

And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell

That first devised the Leather Bottel.

Then what do you say to these Cans of Wood?

In faith they are, and can, not be good;

For when a Man he doth them send

To be filled with Ale, as he doth intend;

The Bearer falleth down by the way.

And on the ground the Liquor doth lay;

And then the Bearer begins to ban,

And swears it is long of the Wooden Can.

But had it been the Leather Bottel,

Although he had fallen, yet all had been well

Then I Wish &c.

Then what do you say to these Glasses fine?

Yes, they shall have no Praise of mine;

For when a Company they are set

For to be merry, as we are met;

Then if you chance to touch the Brim,

Down falls the Liquor and all therein,

If your Table Cloath be never so fine,

There lies your Beer, Ale, or Wine:

It may be for a small Abuse,

A young Man may his Service lose;

But had it been a Leather Bottel,

And the Stopple in, then all had been well.

And I wish &c

Then what do you say these black Pots three?

True, they shall have no praise of me,

For when a Man and his Wife falls at Strife,

As many have done, I know, in their Life;

They lay their Hands on the Pot both,

And loth they are to lose their Broath;

The one doth tug, the other doth hill,

Betwixt them both the Liquor doth spill;

But they shall answer another Day,

For casting their liquor so vainly away;

But had it been in the Leather Bottel,

They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake,

And yet their Liquor no harm could take;

They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake.

Then I wish &c

Then what do you say to the Silver Flaggons fine?

True, they shall have no Praise of mine;

For when a Lord he doth them send

To be filled with Wine as he doth intend;

The Man with the Flaggon he doth run away,

Because it is Silver most gallant and gay:

O then the Lord he begins to ban,

And swears he hath lost both Flaggon and Man;

There's never a Lord's Serving-man or Groom,

But with his Leather Bottel may come;

Then I wish &c

A Leather Bottel we know is good,

Far better than Glasses or Cans of Wood,

For when a Man is at work in the Field,

Your Glasses and Pots no Comfort will yield;

Then a Leather Bottle standing him by,

He may drink always when he is a dry;

It will revive the Spirits, and comfort the Brain,

Wherefore let none this Bottle refrain;

For I wish &c

Also the honest Sith-man[¹⁹⁷] too,

He knew not very well what to do,

But for his Bottle standing him near,

That is filled with good Household beer;

At Dinner he sits him down to eat,

With his good hard Cheese and Bread or Meat;

Then this Bottle he takes up amain,

And drinks, and sets him down again;

Saying, Good Bottle, stand my Friend,

And hold out till this day doth end;

For I wish &c

And likewise the Haymakers they,

When as they are turning and making their Hay;

In Summer-weather, when as it is warm,

A good Bottel full then will do them no harm;

And at Noon time they sit them down,

And drink in their Bottels of Ale Nut Brown;

Then the Lads and the Lasses begin to tattle,

What should we do but for this Bottle?

They could not work if this Bottle were done,

For the Day's so hot with heat of Sun.

Then I wish &c

Also the Leader, Lader, and the Pitcher,

The Reaper, Hedger and the Ditcher,

The Binder, and the Raker and all

About the Bottels ears do fall;

And if his Liquor be almost gone,

His Bottel will he part with to none,

But says, my Bottel is but small

One Drop I will not part withal:

You must go drink at some Spring or Well,

For I will keep my Leather Bottel.

Then I wish &c

Thus you may hear of a Leather Bottel,

When as it is filled with Liquor full well,

Though the Substance of it be but small,

Yet the Name of the thing is all.

There's never a Lord, an Earl or Knight,

But in a Bottel doth take Delight:

For when he is hunting of the Deer,

He often doth wish for a Bottel of Beer:

Likewise the Man that works at the Wood,

A Bottel of Beer doth oft do him good

Then I wish &c

Then when this Bottel doth grow old,

And will good Liquor no longer hold,

Out of the Side you may take a Clout,

Will mend your Shooes when they'r worn out;

Else take it and hang it upon a Pin,

It will serve to put many odd Trifles in,

As Hinges, Awls, and Candle-ends,

For young Beginners must have such things;

Then I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell,

That first devised the Leather Bottel.

London: Printed by and for W. O. and sold by the Booksellers of Pye Corner, and London Bridge.

[¹⁹⁶] For tune, see [Appendix].

[¹⁹⁷] Mower.

[105.] When Scogin had broght to Oxford such things as he had in London, hee lacked furres for his gownes, and Miniver furres for his hood. Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford, which was a Skinner, and said unto him, It is so that I must proceed Master of Arts, at the next Act, and I have bestowed my money at London, and now I have need of furres (as you know) wherefore if I shall have of you as much as shall serve me, I will content you with thankes. Then said the Alderman, make your gownes and your hood, and send them to me, and they shall be furred as other Masters be. Then said Scogin, you shall have them within these two days, and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for every thing. It shall be done, said the Alderman. When as the gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, and said to the Alderman, I pray you let me see my charge: the bill was brought forth, and the sum did rise to sixe pound and odde money. The Alderman said, When shall I have my money? Scogin answered, within these seven weeks, or else the next time that you and I doe meet after the said terme set.[¹⁹⁸] The terme of time passed over, and the Alderman sent for his money. Scogin said to the messenger, have me commended to Master Alderman, and tell him when he and I doe meet, I will content him according to my promise; so, on a time, Scogin went to Korfax,[¹⁹⁹] and he espied the Alderman, and then he returned backe. The Alderman made good footing after him to overtake him and said unto him, Sir, you said that you would pay me my money within seven weekes, or else any time after that we did meet together. It is true, said Scogin, my day is expired, but my promise is not broken; No, said the Alderman, so that you pay me my money now. Now, said Scogin, nay not so, wee meet not together yet, for now you did but overtake me, and when we doe meet, you shall have your money; but if I can, said Scogin, I will not meet you this seven Yeares, if I can go backward. Wherefore a plaine bargain is best, and in bargaines making, fast bind, fast find.

[¹⁹⁸] Commences.

[¹⁹⁹] Carfax, a place in Oxford, where four streets meet; supposed to be a corruption of quatre voies.

[103.] A Gentleman having left a Bag of Money in a Hackney Coach, besides an Advertisement in the Gazet, he put up a paper at the Exchange, that he would give a sixth part (viz £20) to the Coachman, if he would bring him his Money; the Fellow, hearing of the offer, went to the Exchange and writ on the Paper, Then shall I be the Loser, which was all the Gentleman had for his Coin.

[26.] One swore most plentifully, That he saw a Lobster kill a Hare upon Salisbury Plain; then they all began to think indeed that was a lie, till he very discreetly told them how it was; for the Lobsters that are taken at Weymouth, Southampton, and upon the Sea-Coasts thereabouts, are presently convey'd in Panniers into the Midland Country, and by the way on Salisbury Plain did drop a very good Lobster, and a Hare a little after, came close to the Lobster: which the Lobster feeling, with his Claw presently catcht him fast by the foot, and so kill'd him; and swore also that they put it into a Pie, and both bak't together (but I don't mean with the skin and the shell on) then you'd think't a lie indeed; and so sent up to London, and eaten there.

[102.]Alas, Delfridus keepes his bed, God knowes,

Which is a sign his worship's very ill:

His griefe beyond the grounds of Phisike goes;

No Doctor that comes neere it with his skill,

Yet doth he eat, drink, talke, and sleepe profound,

Seeming to all men's judgements healthful found.

Then gesse the cause he thus to bed is drawne

What? think you so? may such a hap procure it?

Well; faith, 'tis true, his Hose is out at pawne,

A breechlesse chance is come, he must indure it:

His Hose to Brokers Jayle committed are,

His Singular, and only Velvet paire.

[17.] A man on his death bed bequeathed all that he had to his three Sons; to the first he gave all his Land, for he said he had been very dutiful, but he said he hoped his Father would live to enjoy it all himself: To the second, he gave all his money and goods, for he had been dutiful also, and he wisht his father might live and enjoy it all himself: And to the third, he said, Thou hast been a Villain, a Rogue, and a Vagabond; I first give to thee the benefit of the Stocks, to keep both thy legs warm; and next Bridwell, where thou shalt dine upon freecost with M^r Lashington every day; and then I bestow the Gallows upon thee at last: Truly Father, says he, I thank you, and I hope you'll live to enjoy them all, yourself.

[94.] One asked the reason why Lawyers Clerks writ such wide lines: Another answered, It was done to keep the peace; for if the Plaintiff should be in one line, and the Defendant in the next, the lines being too near together, they might perhaps fall together by the Ears.

[4.] M^r Noy[²⁰⁰] the Attorney General, making a Venison Feast in a Tavern where Ben Johnson and some of his Companions were Drinking, and he having a mind to some of the Venison, wrote these Verses, and sent them to M^r Noy

When all the World was drown'd,

No Venison could be found;

For then there was no Park:

Lo here we sit,

Without e're a bit,

Noy has it all in his Ark.

For the ingenuity of which, M^r Noy sent him a good corner of a Pasty, and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down.

At another time, Ben Johnson intending to go through the Half Moone Tavern in Aldersgate Street, was denied entrance, the Door being shut: upon which he made these Verses.

Since the Half-Moon is so unkind,

to make me go about,

The Sun my Money now shall take,

the Moon shall go without.

And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end, forsaking the Half-Moon for this affront.

[²⁰⁰] "Noy, when Whitlocke came to him about the Bill, advised with him about the King's Patent concerning an association between England and Scotland for fishing. Noy loved a little drollery, and gave Whitelocke eleven groats out of his little purse. Here, said Noy, take these single pence; and I give you more than an attorney's fee, because you will be a better man than an Attorney-General; and this you will find to be true. This was in 1629."—Lives of Eminent Sergeants at Law, by H. W. Woolrych, Lond. 1869.

[91.] When I lived, I fed the living, now I am dead, I bear the living, and with swift speed walke over the living.

Resolution. A Ship made of an Oake, growing, fed Hogs with Acorns, now beares men, swims over fishes.

The English Irish Souldier
With his new Discipline, new Armes, old Stomacke, and
new taken pillage, who had rather Eate than Fight.

[106.]If any Souldate

think I do appeare,

In this strange Armes

and posture, as a Jeere,

Let him advance up to me

he shall see,

Ile stop his mouth

and we wil both agree.

Our Skirmish ended

our Enemies fled or slaine

Pillage wee cry then,

for the Souldiers game,

And this compleat Artillery

I have got,

The best of Souldiers,

I think, hateth not.

My Martiall Armes

dealt I amongst my foes

With this I charged stand

'gainst hungers blowes;

This is Munition

if a Souldier lacke,

He fights like Iohn a dreams[²⁰¹]

or Lent's thin Jacke.[²⁰²]

All safe and cleare,

my true Arms rest awhile,

And welcome pillage

you have foes to soile.

This Pot, my Helmet,

must not be forsaken,

For loe I seiz'd it

full of Hens and Bacon.

Rebels for Rebels drest it

but our hot rost

Made them to flye

and now they kisse the post.

And better that to kisse

than stay for Pullets

And have their bellies

cram'd with leaden bullets.

This fowle my Feather is,

who wins most fame,

To weare a pretty Duck

he need not shame;

This Spit my well chargd

Musket with a Goose,

Now cryes come eate me,

let your stomacks loose.

This Dripping Pan's my

target, and this Hartichoke

My Basket-hilted blade

can make 'em smoake,

And make them slash and cut

who most Home puts,

Ile most my fury

sheath into his guts.

This Forke my Rest is,

and my Bandaleers

Canary Bottles,

that can quell base feares,

And make us quaffe downe

danger, if this not doe,

What is it then? can raise

a spiritt into fearfull men.

This Match are linkes

to light down to my belly

Wherein are darksome chinks

as I may tell yee,

Or Sassages, or Puddings,

choose you which,

An excellent Needle,

Hungers wounds to stitch.

These my Supporters,

garter'd with black pots,

Can steele the nose

& purg the brain of plots;

These tosts my shooestrings,

steept in this strong fog,

Is able of themselves

to foxe a Dog.

These Armes being vanisht,

once againe appeare

A true and faithful Souldier

As you were;

But if this wants,

and that we have no biting

In our best Armours

we make sorry fighting.

FINIS

Printed at London for R. Wood and A. Coe 1642.

[²⁰¹] i.e. a stupid, semi-idiot, as—

"A Dull and Muddy Mettled rascal, peak,

Like John a dreams, impregnant of my cause,

And can say nothing."—Hamlet, Act ii. Scene 2.

[²⁰²] "A Jack a Lent" was a straw-stuffed image which was shot at, beaten, thrown at, and otherwise ill-treated during Lent. It was supposed to represent Judas Iscariot.

[93.] There was a Gentleman that dwelt in the West Countrey, and had staid here in London a Tearme longer than hee intended, by reason of a Booke that George (Peele) had to translate out of Greeke into English: and when he wanted money, George had it of the Gentleman, but the more he supplyed him of Coine, the further off he was from his Booke, and could get no end of it, neither by faire meanes, entreatie, or double payment: for George was of the Poeticall disposition, never to write so long as his money lasted; some quarter of the Booke being done, and lying in his hands at randome.

The Gentleman had plotted a meanes to take such an order with George next time he came, that he would have his Booke finished. It was not long before he had his Company; his arrival was for more money; the Gentleman bids him welcome; causeth him to stay dinner, where falling into discourse about his Booke, found it was as neere ended, as he left it two moneths ago. The Gentleman, meaning to be gul'd no longer, caused two of his men to binde George hand and foot in a Chayre: a folly it was for him to aske what they meant by it: the Gentleman sent for a Barber, and George had a beard of an indifferent size, and well growne: he made the Barber shave him beard and head, left him as bare of haire, as he was of money: the Barber he was well contented for his paines, who left George like an old woman in mans apparell: and his voyce became it well, for it was more woman than man. George quoth the Gentleman, I have always used you like a friend, my purse hath beene open to you: that you have of mine to translate, you know it is a thing I highly esteeme: therefore I have used you in this fashion, that I might have an end of my Booke, which shall be as much for your profit as my pleasure. So forthwith he commanded his men to unbinde him, and putting his hand into his pocket, gave him two brace of Angels; quoth hee, Master Peele, drinke this, and by that time you have finished my booke, your beard will be growne, untill which time, I know you will be ashamed to walke abroad. George patiently tooke the gold, said little, and when it was darke night, took his leave of the Gentleman, and went directly home: who, when his wife saw, I omit the wonder shee made, but imagine those that shall behold their husbands in such a case. To bed went George, and ere morning hee had plotted sufficiently how to cry quid pro quo with his politick Gentleman.

George had a Daughter of the age of tenne yeeres, a Girle of a pretty forme, but of an excellent wit: and she had George so tutored all night, that although himselfe was the Author of it, yet had hee beene transformed into his Daughters shape, he could not have done it with more conceit. George at that time dwelt at the Banke Side from whence this she-sinnow,[²⁰³] early in the morning, with her haire dichevalled, wringing her hands, and making such pittifull moane with shrikes and teares, and beating of her brest, that made the people in a maze: some stood wondring at the Childe; others plucked her to know the occasion; but none could stay her by any meanes, but on shee kept her journey, crying, O, her Father, her good Father, her deare Father, over the Bridge, thorow Cheapside, and so to the Old Bailey, where the Gentleman sojourned, there sitting her selfe downe, a hundred people gaping upon her, there she begins to cry out, Woe to that place, that her Father ever saw it: she was a Cast-away, her Mother was undone: till with the noise, one of the Gentlemans men comming downe, looked on her, and knew her to be George Peeles Daughter: hee presently runnes up, and tels his Master, who commanded his man to bring her up. The Gentleman was in a cold sweat, fearing that George had, for the wrong that he did him the day before, some way undone himselfe. When the Girle came up, he demanded the cause why she so lamented, and called upon her Father? George his flesh and blood, after a million of sighs, cried out upon him, he had made her Father, her good Father, drowne himselfe. Which words once uttered, she fell into a Counterfeit swoone, whom the Gentleman soon recovered. This newes went to his heart, and he, being a man of a very milde condition, cheered up the Girle, made his men to go buy her new cloathes from top to toe, said he would be a Father to her, gave her five pounds, bid her go home and carry it to her mother, and in the evening he would visit her. At this, by little and little she began to be quiet: desiring him to come and see her Mother. He tels her, he will not faile, bids her goe home quietly. So downe stayres goes she peartly,[²⁰⁴] and the wondring people that staid at doore, to heare the manner of her griefe, had of her nought but knavish answers, and home went she directly. The Gentleman was so crossed in mind, and disturbed in thought at this unhappy accident, that his soule could not be in quiet, till he had beene with this wofull widdow, as hee thought, and presently went to Blacke Fryers, tooke a payre of Oares, and went directly to George Peeles house, where hee found his wife plucking of Larkes, my crying Crocadile turning of the Spit, and George pinn'd up in a blanket, at his translation. The Gentleman, more glad at the unlookt for life of George, than the losse of his money, tooke part in the good cheere George had to dinner, wondred at the cunning of the Wench, and within some few daies after had an end of his Booke.

[²⁰³] A woman very finely dressed. "Whereas she wont in her feathered youthfulnesse to looke with amiable eye on her gray breast, and her speckled side sayles, all sinnowed with silver guilles."—Pierce Penilesse his Supplication to the Divell, by Thos. Nash. 1592.

[²⁰⁴] Briskly, lively.

[77.] There was a great huge man 3 yards in the Waste, at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk, that died but of late daies, (one M. Blague by name) & a good kinde Justice too, carefull for the poore; this Justice met with Tarlton in Norwich: Tarlton, said he, give me thy hand; But you, Sir, being richer, may give me a greater gift, give me your body! and imbracing him could not halfe compasse him: being merry in talke, said the Justice; Tarlton tell me one thing, what is the difference betwixt a Flea and a Louse? Marry, Sir, said Tarlton, as much and like difference, as twixt you and me; I like a Flea (see else) can skip nimbly: But you, like a fat Louse creepe slowly, and you can go no faster, were a Butcher's axe over you, ready to knock you on the head. Thou art a knave, quoth the Justice. I, Sir, I knew that ere I came hither, else had I not been here now, for ever one knave (making a stop) seekes out another: the Justice understanding him, laughed heartily.

[17.] A Gentleman had a desire to hire two resolute Ruffians to do some exploit upon one that had abused him: A little after his man brings him two whose faces were slasht and cut: No, says he, I'll have none of you, but if you can bring me those men that gave you those wounds, they are for my turn.

[4.] A Sea Captain was invited to a Hunting Match, who when he came home related what sport he had after this manner: Our Horses, says he, being well Rigg'd, we man'd them; and the Wind being at West South West, (Fifteen of us in Company) away we stood over the Downs; in the time of half a Watch, we spied a Hare under full Sail, we Tackt, and stood after her, coming up close, she Tacks, and we Tackt, upon which Tack I had like to run aground; but getting clear off, I stood after her again; but as the Devil would have it, just as I was going to lay her aboard, bearing too much Wind, I and my Horse overset and came Heel[²⁰⁵] upwards.

[²⁰⁵] ? Keel.

A Leicester-shire Frolick;
Or, The Valiant Cook-Maid.

Being a merry composed Jest of Five Taylors that had been at work till their Wages came to 5 pounds, likewise a merry conceited Cook-maid that lived in the house, went to her Master, and desired him to lend her a horse, and she would venture her skill to take the 5 pounds from these five Taylors, without either Sword or Pistol, in a jesting way, to make her Master some sport and to show her valour: her Master loving mirth more than sadness, agreed to it; so a Horse was sadled, and other things to disguise herself, because she might not be known: away she went (it being in the Evening) and met them before they got home, with nothing in her hand but a black pudding, the faint hearted Taylors delivered her their Money very quietly, for fear they should a been shot through with a Black Pudding, and what followed after is expressed in the following Ditty.

[Tune] is Ragged & Torn.

With Allowance.

[107.]I'le tell you a pretty fine jest,

if that you do please it to hear,

For the truth on't I do protest,

I'm sure that you need not to fear:

It is of a valiant Cook-maid,

that lived at a Nobleman's place

And five Taylors that once was afraid

when as they lookt her in the face.

O this was a valiant Cook-maid,

without either Pistol or Gun,

But with a Black Pudding did fright,

five Taylors and put them to th' run.

This Noble-man upon a time,

had great store of work for to do,

But to bring every thing into rhyme,

'twill study my brains you must know;

Five Taylors that lived hard by,

that worked for fourpence a day,

For Beef and for Pudding at night,

they'd better do so than to play.

O this &c

These Taylors a great while did work,

two Masters, and their three men,

They laboured as hard as a Turk,

with Stitching both too and agen;

And when that their work it was done,

their money unto them was told,

Full five good pounds it is known,

Of Silver, but not of red Gold.

O this &c

And when as their money they'd got,

then who was so jocond as they,

Each Man of the best drank his pot,

and homewards they straight took their way;

A Cook-Maid there was in the house,

that us'd full merry to be,

Who went to her Master in haste,

and these words unto him did say.

O this &c

Master, if that you please,

some pastime I for you will make

But to lend me a horse then (quoth she)

and this money I from them will take;

Her Master, then hearing the jest,

would try what this Cook-maid could do,

Some mirth he did think it the best,

as Gentlemen will do, you know.

O this &c

A horse then was sadled with speed,

and boots and Spurs she put on,

And other materials most fit,

because she would not be known;

A horse-back she straight got astride,

with a Hogs-Pudding in her hand,

And meeting these Taylors in haste,

she presently bid them to stand.

O this &c

Deliver your Money (quoth she)

or else your manhoods now try,

Or by this same thing in my hand,

every man of you shall dye;

Then out her Black-Pudding she pull'd,

which sore did the Taylors affright,

They thought it had been a Pistol well charg'd,

because 'twas late in the night.

O this &c

They beg'd their lives she might save,

we are but poor Taylors (quoth they)

And truly no money we have,

for we work but for four pence a day;

You lye, like all Rogues (quoth she)

and do not my patience provoke,

For 5 pounds you have tane for your work,

so presant that word did them choak.

O this &c.

That money deliver with speed,

if that you think well on your lives,

Or by this same thing you shall bleed,

the which will go farther than knives;

Then out of their pockets their money they took,

with many a sorrowful tear,

And gave it into her hand,

here's all on't each Taylor did swear.

O this &c—

And when she their money had got,

she set Spurs and away she did run,

The Devil go with you (quoth they)

for i'me sure that we are undone;

But when that this Cook-maid came home,

strait unto her Master she told,

And show'd him his money again,

how passages went she did unfold.

O this &c.

But here comes the cream of the jest,

those Taylors which was such Men,

After they'd stood pausing awhile,

then back they returned again;

They came with a pittiful tone,

their hair stood like men bewitcht,

To th' Gentleman they made their moan,

for their mony their fingers it itcht.

O this &c.

The Gentleman laugh'd in conceit,

how many was there said he,

Sure you were all men sufficient

to a beaten above two or three;

Truly we saw but one man,

the which took our Money away,

But we feared he had partakers in store,

or else he should never a carried the day.

O this &c.

He was well mounted upon a good steed,

and a Pistol that put us to studying,

You lye like all fools (quoth she)

it was but a black Hogs-Pudding;

Thus they the poor Taylors did jeer,

and the Cook-maid laugh'd in conceit,

That with nothing but a black Pudding,

and that five Taylors did beat.

O this &c.

Then straightway the Gentleman spoke,

what will you give then (said he)

To have all your money again,

and the face on't once more to see:

Quoth the Taylors we'l give the ton half,

and that's very fair you do know,

Altho' that we were such fools,

to part with our good silver so.

O this &c.

Then straitways he call'd for the Cook,

then the Taylors did laugh in their sleeve,

And set her to conjuring strait,

which made the poor Taylors believe;

That she by her art had it found,

and show'd them the place where it lay,

Which made the poor Taylors to smile,

so merry and jocand was they.

O this &c.

Here take half the money said they,

the which we did promise to you,

And for you we ever will pray,

for such Cook-Maids there is but a few;

I'le have none of your money she said,

as sure as i'me here alive,

One may know what Cowards you are,

to let a Hogs-Pudding to fright you all 5.

O this &c.

And thus the old Proverb is true,

nine Taylors do make but one man,

And now it doth plainly appear,

let them all do what they can;

For had they been stout hearted Lads,

they need not called for aid,

Nor afraid to tast of a Pudding,

nor yet be'n out-brav'd by a Maid.

O this &c

FINIS.

Printed for P. Brooksby, at the Golden-Ball, at Pye-Corner, near West Smithfield.

[²⁰⁶] This engraving is from another version, (C. 22 f. 2)/101

How Jacke by playing of the Whiting got his dinner.

[105.] When the sicknesse was at Oxford, on a time Scogin went out of Oxford, and did lye at S. Bartholemewes by Oxford, and hee had a poore scholler to dresse his meat: On a Friday he said to his scholler, Jacke, here is twopence, goe to the market and buy me three whitings, the which his scholler did; & when hee was come home, Scogin said, Jacke, goe seeth me a whiting to my dinner: Jacke heard him say so, and deferred the time, thinking hee should fare ill when that his master had but a whiting to dinner. At last Scogin said, doth the fish play? Jacke said, would you have one play without a fellow? Scogin said, Jacke thou saist truth, put another whiting into the pan. Then Jacke prepared his fish to seeth them: then Scogin said, Jacke doth the fish play now? Jacke said, I trow they be mad or else wood,[²⁰⁷] for one doth fight with the other, that I have much adoe to keepe them in the pan. Then said Scogin, put the other whiting betwixt them to break the strife. Jacke was then glad, thinking he should get somewhat to dinner, and sod[²⁰⁸] the fish and had his part.

[²⁰⁷] Or wode, mad or furious.

[²⁰⁸] Or sodden, boiled.

[26.] One swore pretty largely too, That he knew a Hare, that after he was taken and garbaged,[²⁰⁹] did give the Dogs a chase for five or six miles together; then they cry'd out all 'twas a loud lie. No, says he, it can't be a loud lie, for it seems you don't allow it. Yes, says they, we do allow it for a lie. But, says he, I do avow it for truth, and thus it was, for the Hare being tied to a Huntsman's Saddle in a string, it happened that the string slips, and the Hare in the string hung down between the Horses Legs upon the Ground, and the Horse being mettlesome, gallopt away with the Hare at his heels, and the Dogs marcht after; but the truth was, the Man could not hold the Horse in: Nay then, say they, this may be impossibly possible.

Another very sober Man told a story; That once he went a coursing alone with a Grey hound Bitch, that was great with Whelp; and, having started a Hare, it hapned the Hare went through a Muse[²¹⁰] in a Hedg where a Carpenter had hid his Axe, lying it seems with the edge upwards: and so the Hare being with young, in going through that Muse, cut her belly with the edge of the Axe; and then out started 8 young Hares, and began to run immediately; but the Grey hound Bitch suddenly following the Hare through the very same Muse, by Chance Cut her belly also, and out came Eight Whelps; which eight Whelps ran after the eight young Hares, and the Bitch after the Old Hare and Kill'd em all. Now, says he to them, Some nice people may take this for a lie, but I think 'tis as probable as any of the rest, because the wonder is greater: that there should be but just the number of Eight Whelps, and Eight young Hares, and if true Probatum est.

[²⁰⁹] Disembowelled.

[²¹⁰] Or muset, a hole in a hedge through which game passes. Ed. Topsell in his "Histore of foure footed beasts," Lond. 1607, says, "But the good and aproved hounds, on the contrary, when they have found the hare, make shew thereof to the hunter, by running more speedily, and with gesture of head, eyes, ears, and taile winding to the hares muse," etc.

[82.] Seigneur Valdrino (paymaster to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon) a man exquisite in Courtship and complement; as two or three were at strife laying Wagers what Countryman he was; a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter: why Captaine, said one, we are laying a wager what Countriman my Lord Treasurer Valdrino is: Oh, said the Captaine, I can tell you that, I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise, for I have served the King in his wars, these seven yeers without pay, and ever when I petition to my Lord, he payes me with no coyne but promises, which makes me half assured that hee is that Countryman.

Epitaph on a Scholler.

[5.]Forbeare, friend, t' unclaspe this booke

Onely in the fore front looke,

For in it have errours bin,

Which made th' authour call it in:

Yet know this 't shall have more worth,

At the second comming forth.

[17.] A Gardener being to be hang'd, his Wife came to give him his last kiss at the Gallows: Out, you Baggage, says he, we are like to thrive well at the years end; there can't be a meeting in all the Country but you'll be sure to make one—Go home and weed, home and weed.

[91.]There is a body without a heart,

That hath a tongue, and yet no head,

Buried it was, e're it was made;

And loude doth speake, and yet is dead.

Resolution. A Bell, which when it is cast, is founded in the ground.

[4.] Two young Oxford Scholars agreeing together to go into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabbets; one being to watch, and not to speak one word, and the other to Catch them. So they being come to the place, he that watch'd, cried out, Ecce Cuniculi multi; which noise frighted all the Rabbets into their Burrows, whereupon the other was very angry with him; Why, says he, who thought the Rabbets had understood Latin?

[94.] A Gentleman that bore a spleen to another, meets him in the street, and gives him a Box on the Ear: The other, not willing to strike again, puts it off with a jest, asking him whether it was in jest or earnest? The other answers, It was in earnest: I am glad of that, said he, for if it had been in jest, I should have been very angry, for I do not like such jesting, and so pass'd away from him.

[103.] A Gentleman making Addresses of Love to a young Lady, often swore by his Soul that he would be very faithful to her, in keeping all the promises he had made; but however failing in some small Matters, she was afraid to venture on to a Marriage, lest he should deceive her in greater, which he perceiving, said they would pawn her Soul upon it. Ay, Sir, replyed the Lady, you must find out a better Pattern, for that has been dipt so often, theres nothing more to be lent upon.

[17.] A Gentleman stammering much in his speech, laid down a winning Card; and then said to his partner, Ho, sa, ay you now, was not this Ca-ca-card pa-a-ssing we-we-well la-a-aid? Yes, says t'other, 'twas well laid, but it needs not half that Cackling.

My Wife will be my Master:
or, The Married-mans Complaint against his
unruly Wife.

The Tune is, A Taylor is a Man.

[108.]As I was walking forth of late,

I heard a man complaining,

With that I drew me near to him,

to know the cause and meaning

Of this his sorrow, pain and grief,

which bred him such disaster;

Alas, quoth he, what shall I do,

my wife will be my master.

But if ever I am a Widdower,

and another wife do marry,

I mean to keep her poor and bare,

and the purse I mean to carry.

If I should give her forty pound,

within her apron folding,

No longer then she's telling on't,

her tongue would ne'r leave scolding,

As Esops Dog barkt at the Moon

thinking for to distast her,

So doth my wife scold without cause

and strives to be my master.

But if ever &c

Were I so strong as Hercules,

or wiser than Apollo,

Or had I Icarus wings to flye,

my wife would after follow:

Or should I live as many years

as ever did King Nestor,

Yet do I greatly stand in fear

my wife would be my Master.

But if ever &c

I know no cause nor reason why,

that she with me should jangle,

I never gave her cause at all

to make her with me wrangle;

I please her still in what I may,

and do no jot distast her,

Yet she doth strive both night and day

always to be my Master.

But if ever &c

I every morning make a fire,

all which is done to ease her

I get a Nutmeg, make a toast,

in hope therewith to please her:

Of a Cup of nappy ale and spice,

of which she is first taster,

And yet this cros-grain'd quean will scold

and strive to be my Master.

But if ever &c

I wash the dishes, sweep the house,

I dress her wholsome dyet,

I humour her in every thing,

because I would be quiet:

Of every several dish of meat,

she'l surely be first taster,

And I am glad to pick the bones,

She is so much my Master.

But if ever &c

Sometimes she'l sit while day gives light,

in company with good fellows,

In Taverns and in bowsing Kens,

or in some pimping Ale house:

And when she comes home drunk at night,

though I do not distast her,

She'l fling, she'l throw, she'l scratch and bite,

and strive to be my Master.

But if ever &c

Her bed I make both soft and fine,

and put on smock compleatly,

Her shooes and stockings I pull off,

and lay her down most neatly:

I cover her, and keep her warm

for fear I should distast her,

I hug her kindly in my arms,

Yet still She'l be my Master.

But if ever &c

And when I am with her in bed

she doth not use me well sir,

She'l wring my nose, and pull my ears,

a pittiful case to tell sir;

And when I am with her in bed,

not meaning to molest her,

She'l kick me out at the bed's feet,

and so become my Master.

But if ever &c

And thus you hear how cruelly

my wife doth still abuse me,

At bed, at board, at noon and night

she always did misuse me:

But if I were a lusty Man

and able for to baste her,

Then would I surely use some means,

that she should not be my Master.

But if ever &c

You Batchelors that sweet-hearts have,

when as you are a Wooing,

Be sure you look before you leap,

for fear of your undoing:

The after wit is not the best,

and he that weds in hast sir,

May like to me, bewail his case,

if his wife do prove his Master.

But if ever &c

You Married Men that have good wives,

I wish you deal well by them,

For they more precious are than Gold,

if once you come to try them:

A good wife makes a husband glad,

then let him not distast her,

But a Scold will make a man run mad,

if once she proves his Master.

But if ever &c

Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere,[²¹¹] J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray,
and T. Passinger.

[²¹¹] Published from 1648 to 1680.

[93.] There was some halfe dozen of Citizens, that had oftentimes beene solliciters to George (Peele), he being a Master of Art at the Universitie of Oxford, that hee would ride with them to the Commencement, it being at Midsomer. George, willing to pleasure the Gentlemen his friends, rode along with them. When they had rode the better part of the way, they baited at a village called Stoken, five miles from Wickham; good cheere was bespoken for dinner, and frolicke was the company, all but George, who could not be in that pleasant vaine that did ordinarilie possess him, by reason he was without mony: but he had not fetcht fortie turnes about the Chamber, before his noddle had entertained a conceit how to money himself with credit, and yet glean it from some one of the Company. There was among them one excellent Asse, a fellow that did nothing but friske up and down the Chamber, that his money might bee heard chide in his pocket: this fellow had George observed, and secretly convay'd his gilt Rapier and Dagger into another Chamber, and there closely hid it: that done, he called up the Tapster, and upon his cloake borrowes 5 shillings for an houre or so, till his man came, (as he could fashion it well enough:) so much money he had, and then who more merry than George! Meate was brought up, they set themselves to dinner, all full of mirth, especially my little foole, who dranke not of the conclusion of their feast: dinner ended, much prattle past, every man begins to buckle to his furniture: among whom this Hichcock missed his Rapier: at which all the Company were in a maze; he, besides his wits, for he had borrowed it of a speciall friend of his, and swore he had rather spend twenty Nobles. This is strange, quoth George, it should be gone in this fashion, none beeing heere but our selves, and the fellowes of the house, who were examined, but no Rapier could be heard of: but George in a pittifull chafe, swore it should cost him fortie shillings, but hee would know what was become of it, if Art could do it; and with that he caused the Oastler to saddle his Nag, for George would ride to a Scholler, a friend of his, that had skill in such matters. O, good M. Peele, quoth the fellow, want no money, heere is forty shillings, see what you can doe, and, if you please, I'le ride along with you. Not so, quoth George, taking his fortie shillings, I'le ride alone, and be you as merry as you can till my returne. So George left them, and rode directly to Oxford; there he acquaints a friend of his with all the circumstances, who presently tooke Horse, and rode along with him to laugh at the Jest. When they came backe, George tels them he has brought one of the rarest men in England: whom they with much complement bid welcome. He, after a distracted countenance, and strange words, takes this Bulfinch by the wrist, and carried him into the privy, and there willed him to put in his head, but while he had written his name and told forty: which he willingly did: that done, the Scholler asked him what he saw? By my faith, sir, I smelt a villainous sent, but I saw nothing. Then I have, quoth he, and with that directed him where his Rapier was: saying, it is just North East, inclosed in Wood, neere the earth: for which they all made diligent search, till George who had hid it under a settle, found it, to the comfort of the fellow, the joy of the Company, and the eternall credit of his friend, who was entertained with Wine and Sugar; and George redeemed his Cloake, rode merrily to Oxford, having Coine in his pocket, where this Loach spares not for any expence, for the good fortune he had in the happy finding of his Rapier.

[94.] One said the Midwifes Trade, of all Trades, was most commendable, because they lived not by the hurts of other men as Surgeons do; nor by the falling out of friends, as Lawyers do; but by the agreement betwixt party and party.

[105.] On a time Scogin did send Jacke to Oxford to market, to buy a penny worth of fresh herring. Scogin said, bring foure herrings for a penny, or else bring none. Jack could not get foure herrings but three for his penny; and when he came home, Scogin said, how many herrings hast thou brought? and Jacke said, three herrings, for I could not get foure for a penny. Scogin said he would none of them: Sir, said Jacke, then will I, and here is your penny againe. When dinner time was come then Jack did set bread and butter before his Master, and rosted his herrings, and sate downe at the lower end of the table and did eate the herrings. Scogin said, let mee have one of thy herrings, and thou shalt have another of mee another time. Jacke said, if you will have one herring, it shall cost you a penny. What, said Scogin, thou will not take it on thy Conscience: Jacke said, my conscience is such, that you get not a morsell here, except I have my penny again. Thus contending together, Jacke had made an end of his herrings: A Master of Arts of Oxford, one of Scogins fellowes, did come to see Scogin, and when Scogin had espied him, hee said to Jacke, set up the bones of the herrings before me: sir, said Jacke, they shall cost you a penny. Then said Scogin, what, wilt thou shame me? No, sir, said Jacke, give me my penny again, and you shal have up the bones, or else I will tell all. Scogin then cast down a penny to Jacke, and Jacke brought up to Scogin the herring bones: and by this time the Master of Arts did come in to Scogin, and Scogin bad him welcome, saying, if you had come sooner you should have had fresh herrings to dinner.

[26.] A confident bold Fellow at a Nisi prius in the Country, having a Trial then in Law, and fearing that the Trial would go against him, said to the Judge, My Lord, I do not desire your Sentence now, but only your Opinion at the present; and I will wait upon your Lordship for Judgment at some other time. Well, says the Judge, if you'd only have my Opinion now, why then my Opinion is, That if you had had Judgment to be hang'd seven years ago, the Country would have been more quiet than it is now. Well, my Lord, says he, if this be your Opinion, then your Judgement and mine doth not suit at all, so that I'le have nothing to do with you, but go to another Judge.

Poor Robin's Prophesie,
or
The merry Conceited Fortune-Teller.

---

Although the Poet makes no large Apology,

Some insight he may have into Ass-trology,

Then buy this Song, and give your Judgment of it,

And then perhaps you'l say he's a Small Prophet

For he can tell when things will come to pass,

That you will say is strange as ever was.

Tune of, The Delights of the Bottle &c.[²¹²]

"With Allowance. Ro. L'Estrange.[²¹³]

[109.]All you that delight to hear a new song,

Or to see the world turn'd topsie turvy e're long,

Come give good attention unto these my Rhimes,

And never complain of the hardness of times,

For all will be mended, by this you may find,

And Golden days come, when the Devil is blind.

And first for the Shopkeeper, this I can tell,

That after long trusting, all things will be well,

The Gallant will pay him, what ever's his due

And make him rejoyce when he finds it is true:

False weights, & false measures, he then will not mind,

But honest will prove, when the Devil is blind.

The Country Client that comes up to Term,

Likewise from this subject, good news he may learn,

A benefit which he shall never more leese

For Lawyers hereafter will plead without Fees:

You shall have Law freely, if you be inclin'd,

Without any charge, when the Devil is blind.

The Usurer open his Coffers will throw,

And break all his Locks both above and below,

He'l burn all his Parchments, and cancel his Bands,

And freely return all his Morgaged Lands;

Young heirs will be glad for to see them so kind,

But that will not be till the Devil is blind.

The Learned Phisitian who valued his wealth,

Will now be more chary of all peoples health,

And make it his business howe're he doth thrive,

To pussle his brains for to keep men alive:

Nor Mountebank Bills in the Streets you shall find,

For they'l keep in their lies, when the Devil is Blind.

Your Lady of pleasure that us'd for to rant,

And Coach it about with her lusty Gallant,

Will then become modest, and find a new way

To live like a Nun in a Cloyster all day:

Her Pride, and her painting she never will mind,

But seem like a Saint when the Devil is blind.

Yea the Bullies themselves that did use for to rore,

And spent great estates in good wine and a w——

Shall leave off their gameing, and fairly take up,

And scarcely will tast of the Grape half a Cup,

But leave good Canary, and Claret behind,

Small Tipple to Drink, when the Devil is blind.

The Hecks[²¹⁴] and the Padders[²¹⁵] who used to prey,

And venture abroad for no purchase, no pay,

Shall work for their livings, and find a new trade,

And never more travel like Knights of the Blade;

Let Newgate stand empty, and then you will find

All this will prove true, when the Devil is blind.

All Trades men will strive for to help one another,

And friendly will be, like to Brother and Brother,

And keep up their prices that money may flow,

Their charge to maintain and to pay what they owe:

Then two of a trade shall agree, if you mind,

And all will be well when the Devil is blind.

The Tapsters no more shall their Ticklers froth,

No Coffee men blind us with their Ninny broth,

Full measures of liquor shall pass through the Land,

And men without money the same shall command;

You'l say 'tis a wonder when this you do find,

And that you will sure when the Devil is blind.

Not onely the City shall find this welfare,

But throughout the Country the same they shall share,

No cheating and couzening tricks shall be us'd,

For by such deceit we have all been abus'd;

Those men who of late with Duke Humphrey have din'd

With plenty shall flow, when the Devil is blind.

Then let us be merry and frolick amain,

Since the golden world is returning again,

We shall be all Gallants, as sure as a Gun,

When this work is finisht that's hardly begun;

Then Poets in both pockets Guinneys[²¹⁶] shall find,

And purchase estates when the Devil is blind.

FINIS.

Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright and J. Clarke.

[²¹²] For tune, see [Appendix], same as The Leather Bottel.

[²¹³] Licensed from 1663 to 1685.

[²¹⁴] Probably a contraction for hector or bully.

[²¹⁵] Footpad.

[²¹⁶] Guineas were made from the gold from the West Coast of Africa, and were first coined in 1663, the African company having by charter the right of stamping an elephant on the coin.

[110.] Evermore when Maister Hobson[²¹⁷] had any busines abroad, his prentices wold ether bee at the taverne, filling there heads with wine, or at the dagger in cheapeside, cramming their bellies with minced pyes, but above al other times, it was their common custome (as London prentises use) to follow their maisters upon Sundays to the Church dore, and then to leave them and hie unto the taverne, which Maister Hobson on a time perceving one of his men to doe, demanded at his comming home what the Preachers text was: Sir (quoth the fellow) I was not at the beginning; what was in the middle (quoth Maister Hobson) Sir, (qd the fellow) then was I asleepe: said Maister Hobson againe, what then was the conclusion? then Replyed his servant, I was come, Sir, away before the end; by which meanes he knew well he was not there, but rather in some tippling house offending Gods majesty, and the lawes of the land. Therefore the next Sunday morning after, Maister Hobson called all his servants together, and in the sight of many of his neighbors and their prentises, tooke a peece of chaulke, & chaulkd them all the way along to the Church derectly, which proved a great shame to his owne servants, but a good example to all others of like condition; after this was never the like mesdemenour used amongst them.

[²¹⁷] He must not be confounded with the Cambridge carrier, whose famous dictum has passed into a proverb, "Hobson's choice, that or none," that is, his inflexible rule was for his customer to take the horse he apportioned to him or go without. Our Hobson may be best described in the words of his editor:—"In the beginning of Queene Elizabeths most happy raigne, our late deceased Soveraigne, under whose peaceful government long flourished this our Country of England; There lived in the Citty of London, a merry Citizen named old Hobson, a haberdasher of small wares, dwelling at the lower end of cheapside, in the Poultry: as well known through this part of England, as a Sergeant knows the Counter-gate, he was a homely plaine man, most commonly wearing a button'd cap close to his eares, a short gowne girt hard about his middle, and a paire of slippers upon his feete of an ancient fashion; as for his wealth it was answerable to the better sort of our Cittizens, but of so mery a disposition, that his equal therein is hardly to be found; hereat let the pleasant disposed people laugh, and the more graver in Carriage take no exceptions, for here are merriments without hurt, and humorous jests savoring upon wisdome; read willingly, but scoffe not spitefully, for old Hobson spent his dayes merrily."

[17.] One affirmed that he had seen a Cabbage so big, that Five hundred men on hors back might stand under its shade; and I for my part, says another, have seen a Caldron so wide, That Three hundred men wrought therein, each distant from the other twenty yards: Then the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him, For what use was that Caldron? Says he, To boil your Cabbage in.

[67.] A man excused y^e beating of his wife, because she was his owne flesh, saying, may I not beat mine owne flesh? and she upon that excused y^e scratching of him, saying, May I not scratch mine own head?

[102.]An honest Vicker, and a kind consort,

That to the Alehouse friendly would resort,

To have a game at Tables now and than,

Or drinke his pot, as soone as any man:

As faire a gamster, and as free from brawl,

As ever man should need to play withall:

Because his Hostesse pledg'd him not carouse,

Rashly in choller did forsweare her house.

Taking the glasse, this was the oath he swore,

Now by this drinke, I'le nere come hither more.

But mightily his Hostesse did repent,

For al her guests to the next Ale house went,

Following their Vickars steps in everie thing:

He led the Parish even by a string.

At length his ancient Hostesse did complaine

She was undone unlesse he came againe.

Desiring certain friends of hers and his,

To use a pollicie, which should be this:

Because with cunning he should not forsweare him,

To save his oath, they on their backs might bear him.

Of this good course the Vicker well did thinke,

And so they alwayes carried him to drinke.

[4.] The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow that was try'd for Robbing, was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him, telling him he was a kin to his Lordship: Why, how so? said the Judge. Why answered the Fellow, An't please your Lordship, your Name is Bacon, and my name is Hog, and those two are alike. 'Tis true, said the Judge; but you and I can't be kindred till you are Hang'd, for Hog is never good Bacon till 'tis Hang'd.

[26.] Another Story was, That he being in a Low room, with some Gentlemen a drinking a bottle of Ale; he saw the Man of the House open a Bottle, and the Cork flew up with such a Violence, that it strook his Hat off his Head, and after that went through the Cieling of that Room and another Room above that, which was two pair of Stairs high, and kill'd a Man and his Wife as they lay in Bed, and from thence flew up into the Garret, and they could not get it out with a Hammer and Mallet.

Sir, says another, to make good your Story, which I saw with my own Eyes, that being with some others in an upper Room, one was then opening a Bottle of Ale, and the Cork then flew up with such a violence thorow the Top of the House, that it broke the Cieling and Tiles also, and kill'd a Kite as he was flying just then over the House; and the hole was so big which the Cork had made, that down fell the Kite thorow the hole, and they, opening the Kite to see where she was wounded, found two great Chickens in her Belly, which they sold to pay for their Drink, and after that, would never drink in any other Room in that House: but I don't know that it ever hapned so agen; for these things, though there be truth in 'em, don't happen every day so.

[103.] A Woman very much addicted to Tipling, and having a Cup of a large size, out of which she usually drank, and in which she never left a drop, her Husband chid her for it, and said, It was not decent for a Woman to drink so great a quantity: She told him, that the Virgin Mary being at the bottom of the Cup, she could not but admire her beautiful Face: upon which he broke that Cup, and bought her another something less, with the Devil painted at the bottom of it; however, She always swallowed up all the Liquor in it; and being repremanded again by her Husband for her excessive Drinking: Oh, says she, I do it because the foul Fiend should not have one drop of it.