The Miser mump'd of his Gold.

The merry Frolick of a Lady of Pleasure in

Bartholomew Fair; shewing how

she fed the Usurer with Pig,

but made him pay for

the Sawce.

To the Tune of Let Cæsar live long.

Licensed according to order.

[80.]A Lady of Pleasure in Bartholomew Fair.

Was powder'd and painted, nay drest in her Hair;

In such rich Apparel she then did appear,

As if her Estate was ten thousand a Year:

Of each huffing [¹³²] Gallant she would make an Ass,

She fed them with Pig, but they paid for the Sawce.

Among all the rest I will mention but one,

A Miser, who is in fair London well known;

Yet I will forbear now to mention his Name,

Because I am willing to keep free from blame:

Of this wretched Miser she made a meer Ass

She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

Tis known this old Miser he seldom did eat

From Years-end to Years end a meal of good meat;

Except it was given him freely, and then

He would eat as much as five labouring Men:

He hapn'd to meet with this beautiful Lass

Who fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

It hapn'd this Miser went over the Rounds [¹³³]

And under his Arm he had seven score Pounds:

The which he was going that Morning to lend:

This Lady she met him, and said My dear Friend

Your former good Nature lays claim to a Glass:

She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

The Miser he told here he dare not drink Wine

Nor any such liquors until he had Din'd:

Quoth she, since we here did so luckily meet,

I now am resolved to give thee a treat:

Away to her chamber they straightways did pass,

She fed him with pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

A Dinner she straightways provided with speed,

The Miser he like an old Farmer did feed;

Concluding that he should have nothing to pay,

But to eat and drink, aye, and so go his way;

The Lady supply'd him with Glass after Glass,

She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

This Lady supply'd him with Liquor good store,

Till he was not able to drink any more;

Full bowls of Canary he had drank so deep,

That all of a sudden he fell fast asleep:

Thus of this Old Miser she made a meer Ass,

She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

She shook him, and finding that he would not wake,

The Sevenscore Pound she did presently take;

Then locking the Miser up in an old Chest,

This brings me, in short, to the Cream of the Jest:

Thus her waggish purpose was soon brought to pass,

She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

Now he having told her before where he dwelt,

In this subtle manner she cunningly dealt;

Straight calling a Porter to finish this strife,

The Miser she sent in a Chest to his Wife:

Without e're a Penny in Silver, alas!

Thus she fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

This Lady she gave him two Shillings at first,

And bade him be sure he was true to his Trust;

Now for to deliver his Burthen with Care,

For why, I must tell you it is Merchant's Ware:

And thus the poor Miser was made a meer Ass,

She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

Now just as the Porter came to his own Door,

The Miser awak'd, and loudly did roar;

The honest poor Porter was frighten'd, alack!

Supposing that he had Old Nick at his back:

But it was the wretched Old Miser, alas!

Who was fed with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.

The Wife she was frighten'd this Wretch to behold,

The Miser stark-mad for his Silver and Gold;

But all was in vain, tho' he search'd Smithfield round,

The Lady of Pleasure was not to be found:

Thus of an Old Miser she made a meer Ass,

She gave him roast Pig, but he paid for his Sawce.

[¹³²] Swaggering.

[¹³³] Had been collecting money.

[77.] In the Country where the Queenes Plaiers were accepted into a Gentleman's house, the waggon unloading of the apparell, the Wagoner comes to Tarlton & doth desire him to speake to the Steward for his horses. I will saies he: & comming to the Steward, Sir, saies Tarlton, where shall our horses spend the time? The Gentleman looking at Tarlton at that question, suddenly answered, If it please you, or them, let them walke a turne or two, or there is a faire garden, let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley: and departs thence about his other businesse. Tarlton commending the sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward, not quiet, tels to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven Tarlton to a non plus with a jest, whereat they all did laugh heartily: which a Serving man loving Tarlton well, ranne and told him as much. Tarlton, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth to rest thus put off with a jest, goes away and gets two of the horses into the Garden, & turnes them into the bowling Alley, who with their heeles made havocke: being the Gentleman's only pastime. The Ladies above from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley call the Knight, who cries out to Tarlton, Fellow, what meanest thou? Nothing, Sir, saies he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender; a foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at bowles, run, run, your Steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which, though they smiled, yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise, & they could not blame Tarlton, who did but as he was bidden. But by this Jest, oates and hay, stable room and all, was plenty.

[81.]Fast bind, fast find: my Bible was well bound;

A Thiefe came fast, and loose my Bible found:

Was't bound and loose at once? how can that be?

'Twas loose for him, although 'twas bound for me.

[78.] One sayd a prodigall was like a brush that spent it self to make others goe handsome in their Cloathes.

[61.] A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very fair house to dwell in, and having nobly furnished it, he invites a friend of his who was a very merry man to see it, and to judge of his bargaine: the Gentleman asked him what rent he paid? The Crooked man answered him, that he gave an hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year. Quoth his friend, I do not like your bargain. No! quoth the crooked Man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. I am not of their mind, replyed his friend, for would any man be so mad to give fifty pounds a year for a house, that he cannot stand upright in. So they both laught, and went to dinner.

[5.]Mistris Marina 'mongst some gossips sate,

Where faces were the Subject of their Chat;

Some look'd too pale, some seem'd too fiery red,

Some brown, some black, and some ill fashioned.

Good Lord (quoth she) you all are much to blame,

Let's alone, and praise the maker of the same:

Her Chamber maid, who heard her, standing by,

Said, then love me, for that you know was I.

[82.] Myselfe caried an old fellow by water, that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a Scavenger; the water being somewhat rough, hee was much afraid, and (in stead of saying his prayers) he threatened me, that if I did drowne him, hee would spend a hundred pound, but hee would see me hanged for it; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing, and so in little space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bank-side,[¹³⁴] (alias Paris Garden.) Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for if the Boat had miscarried, I could have swum no more than a Goose.

[¹³⁴] Paris Garden, Southwark, was a famous place for bear-baiting and other sports.

[12.]One Goodman Strong

Said his Wife did long,

And what was it for but Mackrill?

But he told him no,

It must not be so,

She's well now, and that will make her ill.

[17.] There were three Brothers named Buck, and having venison, made three Pasties; and one of those who were invited was nam'd Cooke, and thinking to play upon the Brothers, said, Here is Buck, Buck, Buck. True, says one of the Brothers, Buck is good meat, but what says the Proverb; God sends meat, and the Devil sends Cooks.

[4.] A Fool being very sick, and like to dye, one that went to see him, went to comfort him, bidding him Chear up. For if you dye, says he, four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church: Ay but, quoth he, I had rather by half go thither myself.