HABIT
Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery store.
"Is Judge David Poggenburg stopping here?" asked an impressive-looking stranger approaching the desk.
"No," replied the clerk with his most winning manner, "but—er—we have something else just as good."
He was engaged to the daughter of a literary man. He was bold as a wooer, but the veriest coward when it came to approaching the fair one's father. So he waited outside the great man's study while the "fayre ladye" did the tackling. In five minutes she was out again and on her dress was pinned a slip of paper bearing the words:
"With the author's compliments."
"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."
"What did she say?"
"Will that be all?"
The two American war correspondents were gazing at the conflict when Winkletop caught sight of a gallant officer leading a charge.
"His face is strangely familiar," he said. "That Greek lieutenant, I mean—"
"Yes," said Blithers. "He used to run the bootblacking stand in that barber-shop over on Steenth Avenue and Umptyiph Street."
And just then the noble warrior dashed madly past, and, forgetting himself under the excitement of the moment, turned and cried aloud to his advancing troops:
"Next! Shine!"
And the indomitable phalanx moved steadily up the hill, giving the enemy the worst polishing-off they had had since war was declared.
RELATIVE—"He is sleeping so quietly that I wonder if we will know when the end comes."
WIFE OF DYING FIRST-NIGHTER—"Yes, we will. He will get up and go out about five minutes before the end."—Puck.
HURRY—"What's happened to Speeder. I haven't seen him for weeks?"
CANE—"Oh, he tried all the different makes of cars and then bought an aeroplane."
HURRY—"Has he crashed?"
CANE—"Well, not exactly. He started on a cross-country flight the other day, heard something rattle and absent-mindedly climbed out to look under the machine."
"For ten years," said the new boarder, "my habits were as regular as clockwork. I rose on the stroke of six, and half an hour later was at breakfast; at seven I was at work; dined at one; had supper at six, and was in bed at nine thirty. Ate only plain food, and hadn't a day's illness all the time."
"Dear me!" said a hearer, in sympathetic tones; "and what were you in for?"
DOCTOR—"I have to report, sir, that you are the father of triplets."
POLITICIAN—"Impossible! I'll demand a recount."—Puck.
Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,
As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.
—Dryden.
"Habit" is hard to overcome.
If you take off the first letter, it does not change "a bit."
If you take off another, you have a "bit" left.
If you take still another the whole of "it" remains.
If you take still another, it is not "t"-totally used up.
All of which goes to show that if you wish to be rid of a "habit," you must throw it off altogether.
"Why did your wife leave you?"
"Force of habit, I guess. She was a cook before I married her."
BRIGGS—"You mustn't take offense if I speak to you about something I have had on my mind for some time, just a little habit of yours."
GRIGGS—"Certainly not."
BRIGGS—"Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell you before. And you are such a splendid, noble fellow."
GRIGGS—"Yes, yes."
BRIGGS—"You're one of those fellows who never really know what is being said to them; you're always pursuing some train of thought. Anyone can tell half the time you are not listening by the far-away look in your eyes. You've offended a lot of people. Of course, it's terribly rude—only you don't know it. You mustn't any more, old chap (putting his hands on Grigg's shoulder). Promise me you'll quit."
GRIGGS (obliged to face him)—"Just what were you saying?"
"That cashier is a cool chap."
"How so?"
"A thug with a revolver ordered him to hand out the bank's cash yesterday, but he said he couldn't do it unless the thug was identified. This took the fellow so aback, he hesitated a moment and was nabbed."
Some time ago, when a local corps was reviewed by Sir Ian Hamilton, one officer was mounted on a horse that had previously distinguished itself in a bakery business. Somebody recognized the horse, and shouted, "Baker!" The horse promptly stopped dead, and nothing could urge it on.
The situation was getting painful when the officer was struck with a brilliant idea, and remarked, "Not today, thank you." The procession then moved on.
"This makes the fourth time I have had to punish you this week, Sylvester," chided the teacher. "Do you wonder why?"
"Nope!" replied Skinny Smith. "You've got the habit, that's all."