PROHIBITION
A bone-dry nation means a life full of sorrows without any chance of drowning them.
Classic Thoughts on Prohibition
I love fools' experiments.—Darwin.
The rising world of waters dark and deep.—Milton.
Earth a failure, God-forsaken,
Ante-room of Hell!—Kingsley.
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.—Shakespeare.
The law is a ass, a idiot.—Dickens.
Lean, hungry, savage anti-everythings.—Holmes.
The remedy is worse than the disease.—Bacon.
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts.
And men have lost their reason.—Shakespeare.
Drink today, and drown all sorrow;
You shall perhaps not do't tomorrow.—Fletcher.
The Hell of waters!—Byron.
The frigid theories of a generalizing age.—Disraeli.
O, happy, happy Liver!—Wordsworth.
—E.H.
"Do you think there's a chance of prohibition's being repealed, after all?"
"I hope not," answered Uncle Bill Bottletop; "anyhow, not soon."
"I thought you didn't quite approve of prohibition."
"I don't, quite. But for years folks have been talking about a lot o' chaps that 'ud be such wonders if they didn't drink, an' I want to see 'em get a little more time to make good."
"It is indeed a pleasure," remarked the man who approves of prohibition, "to be able to walk the streets without seeing a saloon on every corner."
"And yet," returned the unregenerate one, "it's a great comfort to know they are there, even if you don't see them."
Prohibition doesn't prohibit; it just provokes.
"Mamma, what does it mean when you're wined and dined?"
"That's an obsolete term, Harold. Now you are only grape-juiced and cornbreaded."
"This Prohibition outlook is a trifle expensive."
"How so?"
"Why, I've just had to build an addition to my wine cellar."
"Well," said the first clubman, "we may have to drink water pretty soon."
"Water?"
"Yes, that's the stuff the waiter brings you with your napkin."
When It Comes
We Shall Miss
That appointment with an old business acquaintance.
Calendars from our favorite brewery.
Blotters from same.
Reunion dinners.
(a) College.
(b) Fraternity.
Scientific dissertations on the only non-refillable bottle.
Stories about how Broadway spent New Year's eve.
The real mint julep.
The 5:15—without being unjustly accused.
We Shall Not Miss
Sermons against rum.
Sermons against Prohibition.
The free lunch.
The Southern gentleman who says he's the only man who can make the real mint julep.
German beer gardens.
The man who never drinks without offering a toast.
New Year's eve on Broadway.
Comic-opera drinking songs.
A vote on the next Constitutional amendment.
BLUCK—"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed the first three miles?"
BLYNK—"The bartenders help stoke."
"Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?"
"No," answered Cactus Joe. "We're more cheerful than usual. Everybody seems to think it's a great joke on all the rest of the boys."
"Going Up"
SMITH—"Do you realize that we are beholding the completion of a great cycle in history?"
JONES—"Explain."
"Three hundred and six years ago the island of Manhattan was bought from the Indians for six quarts of whisky."
"Well?"
"Well?—Within six months, maybe, the descendants of those Indians will be able to buy it back for the same price."
I, U.S. Boose, realizing that the jag is up, declare this to be my last will and testament: To my beloved Cocktail I bequeath three-fourths of my evil estate, and to my faithful Highball I leave a large share of the blame. To my sister, Wine, I give the family grapevine and kitchen still. To my cousin, Cider, I bequeath the old apple orchard and enough wormy fruit to keep the country moist and my memory green.
"So you're a moonshiner?" remarked the interested tourist. The lanky mountaineer drew himself up haughtily.
"Mister, you got me wrong," he asserted. "Since prohibition come in we-uns call ourselves irrigation engineers."
Discovery
I met a man
Who knows a woman
Who has a sister
Who is married to a man
Who is related to a girl
Who knows a man
Who knows a man
Who has never pulled a prohibition joke.
I shall try to trace him.
And when the nations disarm, some statesman will slip in a joker permitting the building of battleships for medicinal purposes.
A drunkard of long standing has been reformed by an operation which removed a bone that pressed against the brain. The Detroit News also reports a number of cures effected by the removal of a brass rail that was pressing against the foot.
"Having any success with your garden?"
"The best ever," replied Mr. Jagsby.
"What are you raising?"
"Nothing. But if I hadn't had a row with one of my new neighbors over his chickens and then a reconciliation I might not have discovered that he had a well-stocked cellar."