RESTAURANTS
A gentleman from the rural districts of Missouri recently made his first visit to New York. Shortly after his arrival he went into a restaurant and ordered what seemed to him like a rather meager meal. When the bill was presented it totaled $8.35. The Missourian looked at the amount twice to make sure his eyes were not deceiving him. Then he smiled. "Waiter," he called, "you've made a mistake. I've got more money than that!"
GUEST—"Look here! How long must I wait for the half-portion of duck I ordered?"
WAITER—"Till somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck."
Dr. C——, who was called to the far end of Long Island to extract an appendix, missed the last train back, stayed over night in a miserable hotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and cadaverous country girl. Said she:
"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver."
Said he:
"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!"
"What's yours?"
"Coffee and rolls, my girl."
One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee was pushed over the counter. The fastidious person seemed dazed. He looked under the mug and over it.
"But where is the saucer?" he inquired.
"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin' in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest trade."
"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" demanded the waiter in the Central Park restaurant.
"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist.
"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak," explained the waiter.
CUSTOMER—"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the strike been settled?"
WAITER—"What strike, sir?"
CUSTOMER—"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you took my order?"
AFFABLE WAITER—"How did you find that steak, sir?"
GUEST—"Oh, quite accidentally. I moved that piece of potato and there it was, underneath."
CHAUFFEUR—"Cup of coffee, doughnuts, and some griddle cakes."
WAITRESS—"Cylinder oil, couple of non-skid, and an order of blow-out patches."