SERVANTS
MISTRESS—"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least."
BRIDGET—"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been here only t'ree weeks."
While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, they passed an employment agency with this sign in the window: "Colored Help Supplied."
"Look, ma," said Willie. "Is that where we got our green cook?"
Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up her employment in order that she might try her luck at the easier profession of cateress, met her former mistress on the street.
"Good morning, Cynthia," said the lady. "Where are you working now?"
"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am," replied Cynthia, coyly; "I'se capering for a congressman."
WIFE—"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's good, but somewhat out of style."
HUSBAND—"Why don't you give it to the laundress?"
WIFE—"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, and I wouldn't offend her for the world."
MRS. ECKS—"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served us. And Mrs. Wise said she had such a treasure."
MRS. WYE—"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. She has the treasure locked in her room for fear one of the guests might steal her."
MISTRESS—"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. We have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening."
COOK—"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak of for years, but as you insists upon it you can put me down for 'The 'Oly City'!"
NEW MISTRESS—"How about the afternoon off?"
NORAH—"Sure, mum, take wan—I'm willin'."
MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)—"Matthews! What does this mean? How did this policeman get here?"
COOK (equal to the occasion)—"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave bin left over by the last cook."
"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah."
"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for the family."
"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we moved out here," said Mr. Crosslots.
"They didn't call to see us," replied his wife. "The report has gone out that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquainted with her."
Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how to receive calling-cards. She let herself out the front door, and when the new servant answered her ring she gave him her card.
The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they presented their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs. Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door:
"Tickets no good; you can't come in."
MISTRESS—"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me."
BRIDGET—"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a houseful of company."
Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her so badly that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when she was away and offered the cook more money. The next time they met at a big dinner Mrs. Johnson did not notice her.
"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the lady who sat between them.
"No, I believe not," said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand that she calls on my cook."
MR. EXE—"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?"
MRS. EXE—"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told her it was just right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone."
"Does your family have any trouble with servants?"
"No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay around the place long enough to become really troublesome."
Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when one asked the other:
"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?"
"I am afraid not."
"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of dancing!"
"I'd love to go," explained the conscientious maid, "but to tell you the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother."
"A flirt, am I!" exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go. "Well, I know them as flirts more than I do, and with less hexcuse." She shot a spiteful look at her mistress and added: "I'm better looking than you. More 'andsome. 'Ow do I know? Your husband told me so."
"That will do," said her mistress, frigidly.
"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann. "I can give a better kiss than you! You want to know 'oo told me that, mum?"
"If you mean to suggest that my husband—"
"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time," said Mary Ann. "It was your chauffeur."
Mrs. Bliffkins met Mary Smith, whom she had recommended to a neighbor for a situation.
"How are you getting on at your new place?" asked Mrs. Bliffkins.
"Very well, thank you," was the reply.
"I am glad to hear it," remarked Mrs. Bliffkins. "Your employer is a very nice lady, and you cannot do too much for her."
"I don't mean to, ma'am," replied Mary.
MRS. SMYTHE DE WILLOUGHBY—"Was the grocer's boy impudent again this morning, Clara, when you telephoned the order?"
CLARA—"'E was, mum! But I didn't 'arf give 'im wot for. I sez, 'Who d'yer blinkin' well think you're a-talkin 'to? I'm Mrs. Smythe der Willoughby!'"—Punch.
MRS. GLABBERDEEN—"Of course you, too, must often change cooks?"
MRS. JALPERDILL—"Oh, don't speak of it! We suffer from such a continual going and coming that we've decided this winter to equip our kitchen with revolving doors."
VISITOR—"Why does your servant go about the house with her hat on?"
MISTRESS—"Oh, she's a new girl. She only came this morning, and hasn't yet made up her mind whether she'll stay."—Punch (London).
The new word for "servant" and the new hours have come, judging from this advertisement:
Household assistants (two) wanted in private family; eight hours daily; six days weekly; one from 8 to 5; another from 11 to 8; all off for lunch; no meals; sleep home; wages, $10. Apply—, etc.
HUSBAND (at dinner)—"By George, this is a regular banquet. Finest spread I've sat down to in an age. What's up? Do you expect company?"
WIFE—"No, but I think the cook does."
AGATHA-"Is your former cook happy since she inherited a fortune?"
AGNES-"No, she's all dressed up and no place to leave."
"Have you any cooks on hand?"
"Six in the anteroom."
"Ask 'em to look me over and see if there is anybody here I might suit."
THE NEW MAID—"In my last place I always took things fairly easy."
COOK—"Well, it's different here. They keep everything locked up."
Mrs. X. had lost her cook and had telephoned in vain for another. Dinner guests were expected and she was desperate. Finally, putting on her things, she went out, and she hadn't gone far when she met a neat-looking colored woman. She explained her dilemma and the colored woman listened in silence, then she said: "Where do yo' live, missus?"
Seeing a ray of hope joyfully, Mrs. X. gave her address, to be met with this reply:
"Well, yo 'jess go home an' look in yo' glass an' yo'll see yo' cook."
MISTRESS—"I want a maid who will be faithful and not a time-waster. Can you promise that?"
BRIDGET—"Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, about wastin' time that I make one job of prayin' and scrubbin'."
"Do you keep any servants?"
"No, of course, not."
"But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?"
"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we don't keep them."
FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by her mistress)—"And they all came in limousines, and had on the grandest clothes, and wore the biggest diamonds."
NEIGHBOR'S MAID—"And what did they talk about?"
FIRST MAID—"Us."
"I'm afraid I'll never be able to teach you anything, Maggie," was the despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a new Irish domestic. "Don't you know that you should always hand me notes and cards on a salver?"
"Sure, mum, I knew," answered Maggie, "but I didn't know you did."
Bridget had been discharged. Extracting a five-dollar bill from her wage-roll, she threw it to Fido. Then the shocked mistress heard her exclaim: "Sure 'n' I niver fergit a frind; that's fer helpin' me wash the dishes."
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