SUBSTITUTES
Speaking of substitutes for gasoline, there is the street-car ticket.
"Neurasthenia," said Mrs. Biggums to her cook, "I think we will have some chicken croquettes today out of that leftover pork and calves' liver."
"Yes'm," said Neurasthenia, called Teeny for short. "An' we got a little bread dressin' what went wid the pork, mum. Shall I make some apple sauce out'n hit, mum?"
A very pretty young woman had been asked to dinner by the mother of a young man who admired her very much.
While waiting for dinner to be announced the four-year-old niece of the young man came into the room and climbed into the lap of her uncle, of whom she seemed very fond.
The young lady said coaxingly: "Come, Mary, give me a kiss"; but the child hid her face on her uncle's arm. The young woman urged the child to come to her, saying again: "Won't you give me a kiss?"
The little girl said: "No, I don't want to." Then she brightened up and said: "Uncle Fred, you do it."
"Your honor," said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup has went and chawed up the court Bible."
"Well," grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can't adjourn court to get a new Bible."
MR. NEWLYWED—"Did you sew the button on my coat, darling?"
MRS. NEWLYWED—"No, love; I couldn't find the button, and so I just sewed up the buttonhole."—Judge.
TOURIST (in village notion-store)—"Whaddya got in the shape of automobile-tires?"
SALESLADY—"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, and doughnuts."—Judge.