BREACH OF PROMISE
(Left in the Hall of the Law Courts.)
The gentle genius of the night,
Of course I mean Diana,
Made me dilate with rapt delight
To you, my fair Susanna.
But please don’t think my words were true
The moon played me a sorry trick,
Beneath the sun I write to you,
I merely was a lunatic.
You’ve mulcted me to a pretty tune,
I’ll have revenge—I’ll shoot the moon!
The Trials of an Anxious “Junior.”—Prompting a deaf and testy “chief” in open court is not his idea of perfect bliss.
THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS
His Honour. “H’m! Will you kindly raise your veil. I find it extremely difficult to—h’m—hear anyone distinctly with those thick veils——”
WHAT THEY SEEM
“Er—er—thank you! Silence! I will not have this court turned into a place of amusement!”
“The Meshes of the Law!”—Rural Magistrate. “Prisoner, you are charged with—ah—loitering about in a suspicious manner, without any ostensible employment. How do you obtain a living?”
Prisoner. “Your wusship, I’m engaged in the manufacture of smoked glasses for observing eclipses—an ‘industry’”—(solemnly)—“an ‘industry,’ your wusship, which involves protracted periods of enforced leisu-are!!”
Discharged with a caution!
Pity the Poor Prisoners!—Scene—County Prison: Visiting Justices on Inspection.
Visiting Justice. “Any complaints?”
Prisoner. “Yes, your Honour. We’re guv on’y one bucket at shavin’ time, so we’ve all got to dip our razors in the same water, and who knows wot skin diseases a cove might ketch!”
The Barrister’s Favourite Hymn.—“‘Brief’ life is here our portion.”
Legal Query. (From an Earnest Enquirer.)—“Sir, I have often heard of ‘The Will of the Wisp.’ Was this will ever proved? Who was ‘the Wisp’? Why so called? Because he was a man of straw? Wisper your answer to me, and oblige yours,
“Colney Hatcher, E. I.”
The Gas Companies’ Lawyer.—Coke.
Two Sorts of Police.—The Detective—and the Defective.
Criminal Query.—Can a prisoner who commits himself, also form his own conviction?
The Legal Fraternity.—Brothers-in-law.
Legal Question.—What are the “Benchers” of our Inns of Court?
Persons so called from their persistent adherence to legal forms.
Legal “Instruments.”—“Soft recorders.”
Solicitor. “Now, as a matter of fact, when expressing your opinion of your opponent, you did use a leetle strong language?”
Client. “Wull, I don’t know as I forgot anything!”
Old Saying (By our own Detective).—Professional thieves are notoriously dense, hence the proverbial expression, “Thick as thieves.”
When a leading barrister gets someone to “devil” for him, may the latter’s occupation be correctly described as “devilry”?
The result of going out for a “lark” very generally is, that the last part of the lark you see is the beak.
Sittings in Error.—A pew in a Mormonite chapel.
Law and Time.—A “watching brief” must have much to do with second-hand information.
Cause Without Effect.—An action resulting in a farthing’s damages.
A “Counter-Case.”—Shop-lifting.
Diamonds of the Cape.—Intelligent policemen.
Information Wanted.—At what time in the morning are barristers called?
MR. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATED LAW REPORTS
“Alleged contempt of court by an infant”
Compliments.—“The Court” (thinking aloud). “Hu—m—’markably fine young wom——.”
The Witness (overhearing). “Excellent judge!!”
Cantankerous.—Legal Adviser (drawing up the old gentleman’s will). “Um—seems a pity you should cut off your son with a shilling. But, if you’re determined—hem!—what about the pictures? You have a very valuable collection, sir?——”
Crusty Invalid. “Oh, drat the pictures! Leave ’em to the Blind Asylum!!”