CRIMINALS’ ASSURANCE SOCIETY
Prospectus
(Private and Confidential)
“Doom’d for a certain term to walk the night.”—Hamlet, Act I., Sc. 5.
It being considered in accordance with the spirit of the age, the march of intellect, and the principles of progress, that those persons who are unfortunate enough to come under the unfavourable notice of tribunals established in unenlightened times, should be enabled to avail themselves of systematic arrangements for defeating the coarse and selfish tyranny of the many, an association is in course of formation with the following objects:—
To defend, in the best and most costly manner, all persons who, being assured in the projected society, shall be afflicted by prosecutions.
To supply, with the aid of practised writers, sensation articles to such newspapers as can be induced to accept them, such articles being framed in favour of convicted persons, and designed to produce a popular impression in their favour, by attacking the witnesses against them, vilifying hostile counsel, and ridiculing jurymen.
To procure other articles, in a graver tone, in which every mistake previously made by what is called justice shall be held up as an awful warning, and in which intimidation shall be freely directed against judges, Home Secretaries, and all who are charged with carrying the laws into effect.
To collect, after verdicts have been given, every kind of gossip, rumour, or invention that can discredit the case for the prosecution, and to circulate such things as largely as possible by means of the Press.
A salt and battery
To get up petitions in favour of the convicted persons, some of such petitions to be framed so as to command the approbation of those who object to the special form of punishment that may have been awarded, and without reference to the innocence or guilt of the convicted parties.
It is believed, and experience warrants the belief, that by the irregular use of these and similar means a criminal trial will speedily be deprived of its antiquated solemnity and terror, and that the odds in favour of the ultimate escape of the assured will be very heavy indeed.
To the objection of the prejudiced, that such a system is unconstitutional, and tends to the subversion of the rules by which society is now protected, the promoters would reply, that the march of intellect, the spirit of the age, and the principles of progress, render such a cavil futile in the extremest degree.
A more detailed prospectus will speedily be issued with assurance tables prepared for the information of those who, with a wise forethought, look forward to their probably coming into collision with conventional arrangements, but who, owing to the uncertainties of life, may not be aware whether such collision will be occasioned by murder, manslaughter, burglary, highway robbery, garrotting, embezzlement, theft, or any other departure from ordinary rules. The rates will be carefully calculated, and brought within the means of all.
Further information may be obtained either of Jonathan Wild, Esq., Solicitor, Field Lane; or of Messrs. Alibi, Dodge, & Crammer, Private Inquiry Office, Spy Corner, Dirtcheap.
THE AUTOMATIC POLICEMAN
Put a penny in the slot, and he stops the traffic.
CANDID
Counsel. “Why are you so very precise in your statement? Are you afraid of telling an untruth?”
Witness (promptly). “No, sir!”
The Lawyer’s Prayer.—The learned gentleman prayed a tales.
Truly Sweet.—“When I am in pecuniary difficulties,” said a pensive bankrupt, “my garden, my flowers, all fresh and sparkling in the morning, console my heart.” “Indeed!” asked his sympathising friend. “I should have thought they would remind you of your trouble, for, like your bills, they are all over dew.”
Unfair!—The overcrowded state of our law courts necessitates in almost every case a well packed jury.
Written agreements should be drawn up as shortly as possible; for parties are sure to agree best between whom there are the fewest words.
“I hear you had an action brought against you by a man who broke his collar-bone on your doorstep. How did the case go?”
“Met the same fate as he did.”
“How do you mean?”
“Slipped upon appeal!”