LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS MAN.
The course of true love, though beset with almost insurmountable obstacles, often rewards the faithful lovers at the last with supreme happiness. But, alas! sometimes the said true love proves naught but a toboggan-slide leading to a precipice, into which the true lovers' hopes are hurled and dashed into atomic smithereens.
We have before us a volume of a "Business Man's Love Letters," a few extracts from which we give below. Reader, if you have a tear, prepare to shed it now! The burning passion which surges in the lover's heart, though embodied in phrases habitually used by a business man, is sure to touch your soul. But presently comes the pathetic ending, when she is no longer anything to him, and he—to use the imperfect but comprehensive vernacular—is to her as "dead as a door nail." Reader, read on!
I.
August 1, 1899.
Dear Miss Smythe,—With reference to my visit last evening at the house of Mr. John Jorkins, our mutual friend, when I had the pleasure of meeting you.
Having been much charmed by your conversation and general attractiveness, I beg to inquire whether you will allow me to cultivate the acquaintanceship further.
Awaiting the favour of your esteemed reply,
Yours faithfully,
John Green.
II.
August 3, 1899.
My Dear Miss Smythe,—I beg to acknowledge with many thanks receipt of your letter of even date, contents of which I note with much pleasure.
I hope to call this evening at 7.15 p.m., when I trust to find you at home.
With kindest regards, I beg to remain,
Yours very truly,
John Green.
III.
August 21, 1899.
My dearest Evelina,—Referring to our conversation this evening when you consented to become my wife.
I beg to confirm the arrangement then made, and would suggest the wedding should take place within the ensuing six months. No doubt you will give the other necessary details your best consideration, and will communicate your views to me in due course.
Trusting there is every happiness before us,
I remain,
Your darling Chickabiddy,
John.
IV.
August 22, 1899.
My ownest Tootsey-wootsey,—Enclosed please find 22-carat gold engagement ring, set with thirteen diamonds and three rubies, receipt of which kindly acknowledge by return.
Trusting same will give every satisfaction,
I am,
Your only lovey-dovey,
Johnny.
X X X X X X Kindly note kisses.
V.
November 24, 1899.
My sweetest Evelina,—I am duly in receipt of your letter of 20th inst., which I regret was not answered before owing to pressure of business.
In reply thereto I beg to state that I do love you dearly, and only you, and also no one else in all the world. Further I shall have much pleasure in continuing to love you for evermore, and no one else in all the world.
Trusting to see you this evening as usual and in good health.
I am, Your ownest own,
John.
VI.
January 4, 1900.
To Miss Smythe, Madam,—In accordance with the intention expressed in my letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded addressed to you a parcel containing all letters, etc., received from you, and presume they have been safely delivered.
I have received to-day, per carrier, a parcel containing various letters which I have written to you from time to time. No doubt it was your intention to despatch the complete number written by me, but I notice one dated August 21 is not included. Will you kindly forward the letter in question by return, when I will send you a full receipt?
Yours faithfully,
John Green.
VII.
January 6, 1900.
To Miss Smythe, Madam,—I beg to acknowledge receipt of your letter of yesterday, and note your object in retaining my letter of August 21 last. As I intend to defend the issue in the case, I shall do as you request, and will leave all further communications to be made through my solicitors.
Yours, &c.,
John Green.
VIII.
15, Peace Court, Temple, E.C.
Messrs. Bang, Crash & Co.,
9a, Quarrel Row, E.C.
Smythe v. Green.
Gentlemen,—We are in receipt of your communication of yesterday's date, with which you enclose copy of letter dated August 21. We note that you state the document in question has been duly stamped at Somerset House, and are writing our client this evening with a view to offering your client terms, through you, to stay the proceedings which have been commenced.
Yours faithfully,
Blithers, Blathers, Blothers & Co.
Strange but True.—When does a husband find his wife out? When he finds her at home and she doesn't expect him.
CAUTION
Married Sister. "And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence for your honeymoon?"
Laura. "Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle of Wight with a man I know little or nothing of!"
LOVE'S PROMPTINGS
Edwin (recit). "'There is no one beside thee, and no one above thee. Thou standest alone, as the nightingale sings!'" &c., &c.
Angelina (amorously). "Oh, Edwin, how do you think of such beautiful things?"
DIFFERENT ASPECTS
She. "Isn't it a pretty view?"
Susceptible Youth. "Awfully pretty, by Jove!"
MARRIED v. SINGLE
Bee (single). "Why do you wear a pink blouse, dear? It makes you look so yellow!"
Bella (married). "Does it, dear? Of course you can make your complexion suit any blouse, can't you!"
He. "My people are bothering me to marry Miss Mayford."
She. "You'd be very lucky if you did. She is very clever and very beautiful——"
He. "Oh! I don't want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry you."
AN AMBIGUOUS COMPLIMENT
Miss Beekley. "I'm so glad I'm not an heiress, Mr. Soper. I should never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money."
Mr. Soper. "Oh, Miss Beekley, your mirror should leave you in no doubt on that score!"
Bulkley. "Yes; her parents persuaded her, and it's all over between us."
Sympathetic Friend. "She can't have realised what a lot she was giving up."
Wife. "I hope you talked plainly to him."
Husband. "I did indeed. I told him he was a fool, a perfect fool!"
Wife (approvingly). "Dear John! How exactly like you!"
THE OLD, OLD STORY!
The Colonel. "Yes; he was senior wrangler of his year, and she took a mathematical scholarship at Girton; and now they're engaged!"
Mrs. Jones. "Dear me, how interesting! and oh, how different their conversation must be from the insipid twaddle of ordinary lovers!"
THEIR CONVERSATION
He. "And what would dovey do, if lovey were to die?"
She. "Oh, dovey would die too!"
NEEDLESSLY POINTED
Sympathetic Friend. "Well, my dear, I'm sure your mother will miss you sadly after your having been with her so long!"
ALTRUISM
Maud (newly married). "You look very melancholy, George; are you sorry you married me?"
George. "No, dear—of course not. I was only thinking of all the nice girls I can't marry."
Maud. "Oh, George, how horrid of you! I thought you cared for nobody but me?"
George. "No more I do. I wasn't thinking of myself, but of the disappointment for them.
DOMESTIC BLISS
Head of the Family. "For what we are going to receive, make us truly thankful.—Hem! Cold mutton again!"
Wife of the Bussum. "And a very good dinner too, Alexander. Somebody must be economical. People can't expect to have Richmond and Greenwich dinners out of the little housekeeping money I have."
"AN ENGLISH MAN'S HOUSE," Etc.
Maid (looking over wall to newly married couple just returned from their honeymoon). "Oh please'm, that dog was sent here yesterday as a wedding present; and none of us can't go near him. You'll have to go round the back way!"
Jones (newly married). "There's my darling playing the guitar."
(But it wasn't. It was only the garden roller over the gravel!)
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
Jones. "I will!"
Mr. Jenks (who likes Miss Constance). "No, I assure you, Miss Constance, I have never indulged in flirtation."
Miss Constance (who does not care for Mr. Jenks). "Ah, perhaps you have never had any encouragement!"
The Luxury of Liberty.
Bosom Friend. "Well, dear, now that you are a widow, tell me are you any the happier for it?"
Interesting Widow. "Oh! no. But I have my freedom, and that's a great comfort. Do you know, my dear, I had an onion yesterday for the first time these fourteen years?"
"The Silly Season."—The Honeymoon.
Consolation.
Mother-in-law. "I'll be bound that Robert—I've lost all patience with him—never dined with you on Michaelmas-day, my dear?"
Daughter. "No, mamma, but he sent me home a goose."
Mother-in-law. "Psha! Done in a fit of absence, my dear."
THE HUSBAND'S REVENGE
A Warning to Wives who will keep bad Cooks
Provisions raw
Long time he bore:
Remonstrance was in vain;
To escape the scrub
He join'd a club:
Nor dined at home again.
Matrimony (by our Musical Cynic).—The common c(h)ord of two flats.
DOMESTIC BLISS
Little Foot Page (unexpectedly). "Here's some gentlemen, please, sir!"
"Can I go abroad to finish, ma?"
"No. It's time you were married—and men don't care how ill-educated a woman is."
"You shouldn't judge everybody by pa, ma!"
LEAVING THE PARENTAL NEST
The Bride's Father (to Bridegroom). "Oh, John, you'll take care of her, won't you!"