NEEDLESS ALARM
He. "The fellah actually thweatened to blow my bwains out!"
She. "Oh, how could he? Of course he wasn't serious."
The Force of Habit.—Our County Member (attending church during the Recess). "I beg to move, sir, that the question be now put!"
Our Christmas Concert.—The Rector (who conducts the Rehearsal). "Suppose we try that movement again? I think, Mr. Footles, you were half a bar behind in taking up your point. Oh dear!—you're not going, Mr. Foo——" Mr. Footles (our Flauto Secondo, huffed). "Yessir. 'F you're so pertic'lar's 'alf a bar, I sha'n't jine the s'ciety!!"
Artful—very.—Mary. "Don't keep a screougin' o' me, John!" John. "Wh'oi bean't a screougin' on yer!" Mary (ingenuously). "Well, y' can i' y' like, John!"
Stranger. "I suppose there's not much society about here?"
Barber. "Society! Why there ain't two soup an' fish families within a radius o' fifteen mile!"
How Miners Ought to Swear.—"I'll take my Davy."
The Harvest of Crime.—The convict reaps the reward of his iniquity in the county crop.
Stranger. "You must find it very lonely on these hills."
Shepherd. "Lonely? No, I don't. Why, there was a man an a 'oss passed yesterday, an' there's you to-day."
Agricultural Parishioner (wishing to ingratiate himself with the new curate, who had given a lecture on the previous evening). "Thank ye, sir, for your reading to us last night." New Curate. "Glad you liked it, John. I was a little afraid lest the lecture might have been just a little too scientific." Agricultural Parishioner. "No, bless you, sir, not a bit of it. Why, we in these parts be just like young ducks. We do gobble up anything!"
"None but the Brave deserve the Fare."—The Rector's Wife (at school feast, to one of the boys, who had been doing very "good business"). "What's the matter, Noggins? Don't you feel well?" Noggins. "No, m'm,—but—I'll hev—to be wuss, m'm—afore I give in!"
The Substitute.—The Rector's Wife. "Oh, Mrs. Noggins, I should really try to break your parrot of his habit of swearing in that awful way!" The Widow Noggins. "Well 'm, I finds it such a comfort to 'ear 'im. Makes it seem more like as if there was a man about the 'ouse again."
Village Dame (to eminent landscape-painter). "Law, sir, I do often wonder how you can 'ave the patience to bide here day arter day, drarin' an' drarin'! But, there, one thing, you 'aves plenty o' company!"
Boon Companions!—Bargee (to Rustic). "What! Ge-arge!" (Rustic grins in response.)
Bargee. "I'm allus main glad to see thee, Ge-arge?"
Rustic. "Whoy?"
Bargee. "'Cause I know there must be a public-'ouse close by!"