THE BACHELOR'S RETURN.
A Vere de Vere-isimilitude.
MRS. BIGGS, of Brunswick Square,
On me you shall no more impose.
You said I wanted change of air;
My books, my desk, you bade me close;
You raved about my "precious 'elth."
Has conscience, Mrs. B., no twinges?
You wouldn't lose me for the wealth,
You told me "not of all the Injies."
Mrs. Biggs, of Brunswick Square,
Though I had work upon my hands,
I grew alarmed: oppressed with care,
I sought repose on Ramsgate sands.
Returned at last, I chanced to cast
A glance into my chiffonier.
Oh, Mrs. B., your dodge I see!—
While I've been gone you've drunk my beer!
Mrs. Biggs, of Brunswick Square,
You put strange memories in my head,—
That currant jam!—I'd almost swear
I'd half-a-dozen pots of red.
Oh, your sweet child! On him I smiled
Benignly; but it seemed to me
That he had smears across his face
Which I was hardly pleased to see.
Mrs. Biggs, of Brunswick Square,
You've used up all my choice Pekoe;
My sherry's gone; and where, oh where
Is that half-flask of curaçoa?
Of brandy, too, I'm quite bereft:
The bottle's dry, and—oh, my stars!
This ends what patience I had left—
You've smoked up all my best cigars!
Mrs. Biggs, of Brunswick Square,
Some meeker lodger you must find;
Though good apartments may be rare,
To quit you I've made up my mind.
You held your course without remorse,
To make me trust you with my keys,
But when on you my back was turned,
You needs must play such pranks as these.
Mrs. Biggs, of Brunswick square,
If rooms be vacant on your hands,
If footsteps sound not on your stair,
And tenantless your mansion stands,
Go, teach that orphan girl you call
Eliza,—she who cleans the boots,—
The awful fate which waits for all
Who steal their lodgers' best cheroots.
A. P. SINNETT.
From Tom Hood's Comic Annual, 1871.
A parody of the May Queen, entitled The Premier's Lament, appeared in The Evening News, of February 18, 1884, ridiculing Mr. Gladstone for his policy in Egypt, and foretelling defeat as probable in the then pending vote of censure. The parody had no literary merit.