WHAT LOCKSLEY HALL SAID BEFORE HE PASSED HIS OXFORD RESPONSIONS,
(Vulgo SMALLS).
OH the misery of "Smalls!" the cark, the turmoil, and the grind!
Oh the cruel, cruel fetters which are wreathing round my mind!
There is grammar, there is Euclid, and far worse than all of these,
Arithmetical refinements, with their stocks, and rules of threes,
With their discount and their practice, and their very vulgar fractions,
Smashing up the one ideal into many paltry factions.
Square root makes the head to ache, the decimals the tear to start,
For they're ever circulating round the fibres of my heart—
Learning grammar is like putting water in a leaky pot,
And its memory is only like the days remembered not;
Verbs in "M I" are aggravating, Euclid makes the foot to stamp,
Only lucid when enlightened by a moderator lamp,
The old spider and his cobwebs! would that I could sweep them out
From the dust and must of ages with a triumph and a shout;
Shall I spurn him with my foot, or shall I scorn him with mine eye?
Shall I tear him into pieces? SOUTHEY burnt him—so will I.
C. C.
B. N. C. College Rhymes, 1861.
These lines also appeared in Punch.
There was also an early parody of "Locksley Hall" in Punch, describing the Railway Mania of 1845. This parody was rather technical in its language, not very amusing, and is now quite out of date.