Religious and Political Parodies.
Those parodies which deal with Religious and Political questions are alike in that they are both of great antiquity, and that, no matter how harmless they may be, they are sure to displease a certain proportion of their readers. Thus the parodies that were published by William Hone were both religious and political, and they gave great offence to the supporters of the government of his day, yet any history of English parody that should omit the parodies which gave rise to his three trials would be ridiculously incomplete. It is difficult to adequately treat of the topic without appearing to ridicule that which to many appears too solemn for burlesque.
But in the following pages a broad distinction has been drawn, those Parodies only have been admitted which, whilst imitating the form or language of portions of the liturgy, have no tendency to ridicule religion in itself, nor to burlesque any of its dogmas. It should be remembered that much of the phraseology we associate with the Liturgy is simply old fashioned English, such as was in common use at the time the Scriptures were translated into English, and when the services of the Church of England were first compiled. There can therefore be nothing impious in applying similar language to other subjects, and many eminent churchmen have used the liturgical forms of expression in answering and ridiculing the arguments of their opponents.
There would be little difficulty in showing that in the matter of Parodies no one creed has been less considerate of their neighbours religious opinions than the Protestants, and that, from the days of Luther, the Reformers have left no weapon unemployed which could, in their opinion, do injury to the older form of Catholicism.
When that pattern of filial devotion, Mary the Second, came over with her husband to dispossess her father of his kingdom, we read that he who, with all his faults, had been a kind father, exclaimed “Heaven help me, since even my own children desert me!” It was in the name of holy Religion that James the Second was banished from this country, and his enemies, to show how truly christianlike they were, addressed the following poem to his daughter. In this, not content with burlesquing one of the most beautiful portions of the Catholic Church service, they compare this Mary, descended from the Stuarts, with the Virgin Mary.
THE
Protestants Ave Mary,
on the
Arrival of Her most Gracious Majesty,
MARY,
Queen of England.
Hail all that’s Great or Good! and let the Hail
O’erspread Three Kingdoms, and like Truth prevail:
Hail Mary! ’twas of old the Voice of Heaven;
Nor are we mortals of our share bereaven.
Hail Mary full of Grace! speaks yet more clear,
Since ev’ry Virtue is Constellate here.
And all the Graces so entirely meet,
That nothing less could such a Princess greet.
Nor rest we here: The Lord is with thee too:
Or thy Great Lord could ne’er such Wonders do.
Wonders! may well th’ alarum’d World surprise;
It was of God, and Marvellous in our Eyes!
Wonders! as put its Motion to a stand,
And not His Finger speaks, but Mighty Hand.
Advance yet higher, and pursue the Hind;
Blessed art thou amongst all Womankind:
Since thou com’st cloath’d with Innocence and Peace,
And brings’t the Charms, to make our Tempests cease:
Since by thy virtues we shall now Retrieve
Our gasping Laws, and gain them a Reprieve.
Thy William’s maintain’d Ray will restore,
England the lustre it enjoy’d before;
Our shatter’d Liberties and Laws maintain,
And calmly anchor Church and State again.
But oh! We grieve, that yet, we can’t apply,
The last Division of that Rosary.
We Wish, we Hope, we Pray, and will Pray on,
Till we have gain’d Heaven’s Favour in a Son:
That then we may the whole Salute repeat,
And make our Joys, as well as that Compleat.
Ye Miter’d Heads assist, call to Assize
Your strongest zeals, and with them storm the Skies;
We know, that fervent Prayer did never fail,
And let Rome know such Hereticks can prevail,
And with a Holy Violence pluck down,
A real Issue to support the Crown,
Whilst their addresses to Loretto made,
Did only gain a Son in Masquerade.
Thus we, to our Great Mary, pay our Hails,
With Hearts as full, and swelling as her Sails;
Thanks Winds, and Seas, and Ships, that wafted o’er,
Our Blessed Lady to the British Shore.
But above all, thanks be to Heaven alone,
That led Her from a State, unto a Throne;
Where She will hold (guided by th’ Hand of God.)
The Dovelike Sceptre not an Iron Rod:
So our late model, she may them Reform;
And with true English interest perform,
What James first promis’d; and advance our Glory,
Beyond the Limits of Ancestral Story;
For what can’t England do, would she awake,
Give Laws to Europe, and make Empires shake.
Keep Mistress of the Undisputed Maine,
And hold the Balance Just, ’twixt France and Spain;
And once more make her useless Cannons Roar,
Through both the Indies, and bring back their ore.
Search out new World, and Conquer old Ones too,
Bomb Mexico, and subjugate Peru:
Beard the proud Sophy, and the Grand Mogul,
These are the Rays would make thy Glory full.
Such mighty Acts, would make a Perfect Reign,
And our Great William Conquerour again.
* * * * *
Then visit Monsieur with United Powers,
See Paris too, and humble her high Towers;
Storm the Bastile, possess the Louvre too;
What can’t Great William and Bright Mary do!
Thus may’st thou Conquer, and Amen all say,
Thus may’st thou reign, while we our Homage pay,
And make thy entry, our Great Lady-Day.
This poem is dated “London, 1689. Printed for R. Baldin near the Black-Bull in the Old Baily.”
An even earlier Parody, having a religious motive, may be found in “The Temple. Sacred Poems by Mr. George Herbert.” First printed at Cambridge in 1633, it is entitled
A Parodie.
Souls joy, when thou art gone,
And I alone,
Which cannot be,
Because thou dost abide with me,
And I depend on thee;
Yet when thou dost suppresse
The cheerfulnesse
Of thy abode,
And in my powers not stirre abroad,
But leave me to my load:
O what a damp and shade
Doth me invade!
No stormie night
Can so afflict or so affright,
As thy eclipsed light.
* * * * *
The Parody of Scripture may be raised above mere travesty by a vein of earnestness in the motive. Luther intended no violence to the first Psalm when he thus parodied it:—
“Blessed is the man that hath not walked in the way of the Sacramentarians, nor sat in the seat of the Zuringlians, nor followed in the Council of the Zurichers.”
The same may be said of Dr. Norman Macleod’s parody of the first chapter of Genesis:—
“Perhaps the men of science would do well, in accordance with the latest scientific results, and especially the ‘meteoric theory’ to re-write the first chapter of Genesis in this way:—
- 1. The earth was without form and void.
- 2. A meteor fell upon the earth.
- 3. The result was fish, flesh, and fowl.
- 4. From these proceeded the British Association.
- 5. And the British Association pronounced it tolerably good.”
——:o:——
William Hone’s Three Trials.
In the year 1817 William Hone, a printer and publisher in the Old Bailey, London, was prosecuted by the Government for having printed and published three parodies, the first was John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member, the second was The Political Litany, and the third was The Sinecurist’s Creed.
The first trial was held in the Guildhall, on December 17, 1817, before Mr. Justice Abbott and a Special Jury; the second, also in the Guildhall, on December 19, 1817, before Lord Ellenborough and a Special Jury, and the third in the same place and before the same judge, on December 20, 1817.
In each case all the influence of Court and Government was brought to bear against Mr. Hone, the Attorney-General prosecuted, and the judges were distinctly adverse to the defendant. Notwithstanding all this, and that Mr. Hone, who defended himself without legal assistance, was in feeble health, in each case the Juries returned a verdict of Not Guilty, and their decisions were received with delight and applause by the London populace.
Mr. Hone, in his defence, contended that the parodies were harmless in themselves, were not intended to ridicule religion or the scriptures, and were written for purely political motives. He further contended, and indeed, proved by extracts, that parodies of a far more objectionable character than his were daily published without let or hindrance, provided that they were in favour of the Government, or written to abuse its opponents.
Directly after the trials Hone published a full account of them, with his defences, and a quantity of entertaining reading on the subject of religious and political parodies. This book had an enormous sale, it has also been recently reprinted by the Freethought Publishing Company, so that copies of it can readily be obtained.
It will therefore suffice to give only the parodies themselves here, without the evidence and speeches of the trials.
John Wilkes’s Catechism.
The late John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member; taken from an Original Manuscript in Mr. Wilkes’s Handwriting, never before printed,[339] and adapted to the Present Occasion. With permission.
London: Printed for one of the Candidates for the Office of Printer to the King’s Most Excellent Majesty, and Sold by William Hone, 55, Fleet Street, and 67, Old Bailey. Three Doors from Ludgate Hill. 1817. Price Two-pence.
A Catechism, that is to say, An Instruction, to be learned of every person before he be brought to be confirmed a Placeman or Pensioner by the Minister.
Question. What is your name?
Answer. Lick Spittle.
Q. Who gave you this name?
A. My Sureties to the Ministry, in my Political Change, wherein I was made a Member of the Majority, the Child of Corruption, and a Locust to devour the good Things of this Kingdom.
Q. What did your Sureties then for you?
A. They did promise and vow three things in my Name. First, that I should renounce the Reformists and all their Works, the pomps and vanity of Popular Favour, and all the sinful lusts of Independence. Secondly, that I should believe all the Articles of the Court Faith. And thirdly, that I should keep the Minister’s sole Will and Commandments, and walk in the same, all the days of my life.
Q. Dost thou not think that thou art bound to believe and to do as they have promised for thee?
A. Yes, verily, and for my own sake, so I will; and I heartily thank our heaven-born Ministry, that they have called me to this state of elevation, through my own flattery, cringing, and bribery; and I shall pray to their successors to give me their assistance, that I may continue the same unto my life’s end.
Q. Rehearse the Articles of thy Belief.
A. I believe in George, the Regent Almighty, Maker of New Streets, and Knights of the Bath,
And in the present Ministry, his only choice, who were conceived of Toryism, brought forth of William Pitt, suffered loss of Place under Charles James Fox, were execrated, dead, and buried. In a few months they rose again from their minority; they re-ascended to the Treasury benches, and sit at the right hand of a little man with a large wig; from whence they laugh at the Petitions of the People who may pray for Reform, and that the sweat of their brow may procure them Bread.
I believe that King James the Second was a legitimate Sovereign, and that King William the Third was not; that the Pretender was of the right line; and that George the Third’s grandfather was not; that the dynasty of Bourbon is immortal! and that the glass in the eye of Lord James Murray was not Betty Martin. I believe in the immaculate purity of the Committee of Finance, in the independence of the Committee of Secresy, and that the Pitt System is everlasting, Amen.
Q. What dost thou chiefly learn in these Articles of thy Belief?
A. First, I learn to forswear all conscience, which was never meant to trouble me, nor the rest of the tribe of Courtiers. Secondly, to swear black is white, or white black, according to the good pleasure of the Ministers. Thirdly, to put on the helmet of Impudence, the only armour against the shafts of Patriotism.
Q. You said that your Sureties did promise for you, that you should keep the Minister’s Commandments: tell me how many there be?
A. Ten.
Q. Which be they?
A. The same to which the Minister for the time being always obliges all his creatures to swear, I, the Minister, am the Lord thy liege, who brought thee out of Want and Beggary, into the House of Commons.
I. Thou shalt have no other Patron but me.
II. Thou shalt not support any measure but mine, nor shalt thou frame clauses of any bill in its progress to the House above, or in the Committee beneath, or when the mace is under the table, except it be mine. Thou shalt not bow to Lord Cochrane, nor shake hands with him, nor any other of my real opponents; for I thy Lord am a jealous Minister, and forbid familiarity of the Majority, with the Friends of the People, unto the third and fourth cousins of them that divide against me; and give places, and thousands and tens of thousands, to them that divide with me, and keep my Commandments.
III. Thou shalt not take the Pension of thy Lord the Minister in vain; for I the Minister will force him to accept the Chilterns that taketh my Pension in vain.
IV. Remember that thou attend the Minister’s Levee day; on other days thou shalt speak for him in the House, and fetch and carry, and do all that he commandeth thee to do; but the Levee day is for the glorification of the Minister thy Lord: In it thou shalt do no work in the House, but shalt wait upon him, thou, and thy daughter, and thy wife, and the Members that are within his influence; for on other days the Minister is inaccessible, but delighteth in the Levee day; wherefore the Minister appointed the Levee day, and chatteth thereon familiarly, and is amused with it.
V. Honour the Regent and the helmets of the Life Guards, that thy stay may be long in the Place, which the Lord thy Minister giveth thee.
VI. Thou shalt not call starving to death murder.
VII. Thou shalt not call Royal gallivanting adultery.
VIII. Thou shalt not say, that to rob the Public is to steal.
IX. Thou shalt bear false witness against the people.
X. Thou shalt not covet the People’s applause, thou shalt not covet the People’s praise, nor their good name, nor their esteem, nor their reverence, nor any reward that is theirs.
Q. What dost thou chiefly learn by these Commandments?
A. I learn two things—my duty towards the Minister, and my duty towards myself.
Q. What is thy duty towards the Minister?
A. My duty towards the Minister is, to trust him as much as I can; to fear him; to honour him with all my words, with all my bows, with all my scrapes, and all my cringes; to flatter him; to give him thanks; to give up my whole soul to him; to idolize his name, and obey his word; and serve him blindly all the days of his political life.
Q. What is thy duty towards thyself?
A. My duty towards myself is to love nobody but myself, and to do unto most men what I would not that they should do unto me; to sacrifice unto my own interest even my father and mother; to pay little reverence to the King, but to compensate that omission by my servility to all that are put in authority under him; to lick the dust under the feet of my superiors, and to shake a rod of iron over the backs of my inferiors; to spare the People by neither word nor deed; to observe neither truth nor justice in my dealings with them; to bear them malice and hatred in my heart; and where their wives and properties are concerned, to keep my body neither in temperance, soberness, nor chastity, but to give my hands to picking and stealing, and my tongue to evil speaking and lying, and slander of their efforts to defend their liberties and recover their rights; never failing to envy their privileges, and to learn to get the Pensions of myself and my colleagues out of the People’s labour, and to do my duty in that department of public plunder unto which it shall please the Minister to call me.
Q. My good Courtier, know this, that thou art not able of thyself to preserve the Minister’s favour, nor to walk in his Commandments, nor to serve him, without his special protection; which thou must at all times learn to obtain by diligent application. Let me hear, therefore, if thou canst rehearse the Minister’s Memorial.
Answer.
Our Lord who art in the Treasury, whatsoever be thy name, thy power be prolonged, thy will be done throughout the empire, as it is in each session. Give us our usual sops, and forgive us our occasional absences on divisions; as we promise not to forgive them that divide against thee. Turn us not out of our places; but keep us in the House of Commons, the land of Pensions and Plenty; and deliver us from the People. Amen.
Q. What desirest thou of the Minister in this Memorial?
A. I desire the Minister, our Patron, who is the disposer of the Nation’s overstrained Taxation, to give his protection unto me and to all Pensioners and Placemen, that we may vote for him, serve him, and obey him, as far as we find it convenient; and I beseech the Minister that he will give us all things that be needful, both for our reputation and appearance in the House and out of it; that he will be favourable to us, and forgive us our negligence; that it will please him to save and defend us, in all dangers of life and limb, from the People, our natural enemies; and that he will help us in fleecing and grinding them; and this I trust he will do out of care for himself, and our support of him through our corruption and influence; and therefore I say Amen. So be it.
Q. How many Tests hath the Minister ordained?
A. Two only, as generally necessary to elevation; (that is to say) Passive Obedience and Bribery.
Q. What meanest thou by this word Test?
A. I mean an outward visible sign of an inward intellectual meanness, ordained by the Minister himself as a pledge to assure him thereof.
Q. How many parts are there in this Test?
A. Two; the outward visible sign, and the intellectual meanness.
Q. What is the outward visible sign or form of Passive Obedience?
A. Dangling at the Minister’s heels, whereby the person is degraded beneath the baseness of a slave, in the character of a Pensioner, Placeman, Expectant Parasite, Toadeater, or Lord of the Bedchamber.
Q. What is the inward intellectual meanness?
A. A death unto Freedom, a subjection unto perpetual Thraldom; for being by nature born free, and the children of Independence, we are hereby made children of Slavery.
Q. What is required of persons submitting to the Test of Passive Obedience?
A. Apostacy, whereby they forsake Liberty; and faith, whereby they stedfastly believe the promises of the Minister, made to them upon submitting to that Test.
Q. Why was the Test of Bribery ordained?
A. For the continual support of the Minister’s influence, and the feeding of us, his needy creatures and sycophants.
Q. What is the outward part or sign in the Test of Bribery?
A. Bank notes, which the Minister hath commanded to be offered by his dependants.
Q. Why then are beggars submitted to this Test, when by reason of their poverty they are not able to go through the necessary forms?
A. Because they promise them by their Sureties; which promise, when they come to lucrative offices, they themselves are bound to perform.
Q. What is the inward part, or thing signified?
A. The industry and wealth of the People, which are verily and indeed taken and had by Pensioners and Sinecurists, in their Corruption.
Q. What are the benefits whereof you are partakers thereby?
A. The weakening and impoverishing the People, through the loss of their Liberty and Property, while our wealth becomes enormous, and our pride intolerable.
Q. What is required of them who submit to the Test of Bribery and Corruption?
A. To examine themselves, whether they repent them truly of any signs of former honour and patriotism, stedfastly purposing henceforward to be faithful towards the Minister; to draw on and off like his glove, to crouch to him like a spaniel; to purvey for him like a jackall; to be as supple to him as Alderman Sir William Turtle; to have the most lively faith in the Funds, especially in the Sinking Fund; to believe the words of Lord Castlereagh alone; to have remembrance of nothing but what is in the Courier; to hate Matthew Wood, the present Lord Mayor, and his second Mayoralty; with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength; to admire Sir John Silvester, the Recorder, and Mr. John Langley; and to be in charity with those only who have something to give.
[Here endeth the Catechism.]
The Political Litany.
¶ Here followeth the Litany, or General Supplication, to be said or sung at all times when thereunto especially moved.
O Prince, ruler of the people, have mercy upon us thy miserable subjects.
O Prince, ruler, &c.
O House of Lords, hereditary legislators, have mercy upon us, pension-paying subjects.
O House of Lords, &c.
O House of Commons, proceeding from corrupt borough-mongers, have mercy upon us, your should-be constituents.
O House of Commons, &c.
O gracious, noble, right honourable, and learned rulers of our land, three estates in one state, have mercy upon us, a poverty-stricken people.
O gracious, noble, &c.
Remember not, most gracious, most noble, right honourable, and honourable gentlemen, our past riches, nor the riches of our forefathers; neither continue to tax us according to our long-lost ability—spare us, good rulers; spare the people who have supported ye with their labour, and spilt their most precious blood in your quarrels; O consume us not utterly,
Spare us, good Prince.
From an unnational debt; from unmerited pensions and sinecure places; from an extravagant civil list; and from utter starvation,
Good Prince, deliver us.
From the blind imbecility of ministers; from the pride and vain-glory of warlike establishments in time of peace,
Good Prince, deliver us.
From all the deadly sins attendant on a corrupt method of election; from all the deceits of the pensioned hirelings of the press,
Good Prince, deliver us.
From taxes levied by distress; from jails crowded with debtors; from poor-houses overflowing with paupers,
Good Prince, deliver us.
From a Parliament chosen only by one-tenth of the taxpayers; from taxes raised to pay wholesale human butchers their subsidies; from the false doctrines, heresy, and schism, which have obscured our once-glorious constitution; from conspiracies against the liberty of the people; and from obstacles thrown in the way of the exertion of our natural and constitutional rights,
Good Prince, deliver us.
By your feelings as men; by your interests as members of civil society; by your duty as Christians,
O Rulers, deliver us.
By the deprivation of millions—by the sighs of the widow—by the tears of the orphan—by the groans of the aged in distress—by the wants of all classes in the community, except your own and your dependents,
O Rulers, deliver us.
In this time of tribulation—in this time of want of labour to thousands, and of unrequited labour to tens of thousands—in this time of sudden death from want of food,
O Rulers, deliver us.
We people do beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers; and that it may please ye to rule and govern us constitutionally in the right way;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to keep yourselves in all sobriety, temperance, and honesty of life—that ye spend not extravagantly the money raised from the production of our labours, nor take for yourselves that which ye need not;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to keep your hearts in fear of oppression, and in love of justice; and that ye may evermore have affiance in our affection, rather than in the bayonets of an hired soldiery;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to be our defenders and keepers, giving us the victory over all our enemies, and redressing the grievances under which we labour;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to lessen the cares of the world unto all Bishops and Church Dignitaries; giving their superabundance to the poor clergy, and no longer taxing us for their support;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to place within the bounds of economy the expenditure of all the Royal Family;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to deprive the Lords of the Council, and all the nobility, of all money paid out of the taxes which they have not earned;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to direct all Magistrates to give up their advanced salaries, which the times no longer render necessary, and to content themselves with their former stipends;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to bless all the people with equal representation, and to keep them safe from borough-mongering factions;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye so to govern us, that unity, peace, and concord, may prevail throughout the nation, and the voice of tumult and dissatisfaction be no more heard in our streets;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to give unto all people all their rights as citizens, whatever may be the mode in which their consciences may impel them to worship their Creator, and whatever the creed to which their judgments assent;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to bring into the way of truth those apostates who have erred therefrom, and have deceived us;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to strengthen all such as do stand up for the legal and constitutional rights of the people; to comfort and help the weak-hearted, who want courage in our behalf; to raise up such as do fall; and, finally, to beat down corruption under our feet;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye not to tax “until the brow of labour sweats in vain;” but to succour and comfort all that are in necessity and tribulation;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to shew pity to all who are prisoners and captives for the people’s sake, or through the oppressive expenses of the laws;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to appropriate the 200,000l. annually paid to Members of Parliament, contrary to an ancient law, as a provision for fatherless children and widows, and all that are desolate and oppressed;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to have mercy upon us all;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to turn the hearts of our enemies, persecutors, and slanderers, by withdrawing their pensions and emoluments, that they may no longer call us a “rabble,” the “swinish multitude,” or “ragamuffins,” but may once more style us “the real strength of the nation,”—“the body, without which a head is useless;”
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to give and preserve to our use the kindly fruits of the earth, untaxed by men in black, whom those who wish for their instruction ought alone to support;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to abolish and destroy all sinecure places, and worthless pensions; to utterly purge and root out all wrong-doers; to thoroughly correct the present misrepresentation of the people, by an effectual Reform in Parliament; and otherwise to do, or cause to be done, such further and other acts and deeds, as shall or may conduce to the true interest and benefit of the whole commonwealth;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to lead and strengthen GEORGE Prince of Wales, our present REGENT, in the true fear and knowledge of the principles whereon the people of this commonwealth placed their crown on the head of his ancestors, and continue it towards him; and that it may please ye, as much as in ye lie, to keep and defend him from battle and murder, and sudden death, and from fornication, and all other deadly sin;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to put on short allowance all Bishops, Priests, and Deacons, that their fleshly appetites being reduced, their spiritual-mindedness may be thereby increased and so that both by their preaching and living they may set it forth, and show it accordingly;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to take to yourselves true repentance, inasmuch as ye have erred from the way of your forefathers; and amend your method of governing according to our free constitution;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
Son of George, we beseech thee to hear us.
Son of George, we beseech thee, &c.
O House of Lords, that takest away so many tens of thousands of pounds in pensions,
Have mercy upon us.
O House of Commons, that votest away the money of the whole nation, instead of that of those only who elect you;
Have mercy upon us.
O Prince, hear us.
O Prince, hear us.
George, have mercy upon us.
George, have mercy upon us.
O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.
O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.
O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.
O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.
[Here endeth the Litany.]
¶ THE COLLECT TO BE USED BY HIS MAJESTY’S MINISTERS
Beginneth thus:
Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, &c.
¶ By whom the following may be used in ordinary.
The Grace of our Lord GEORGE the Prince Regent, and the Love of Louis the XVIII., and the fellowship of the Pope, be with us all evermore. Amen.
——:o:——
The Sinecurist’s Creed or Belief.
¶ Upon all suitable occasions may be sung or said the following CONFESSION—upstanding and uncovered.
Quicunque vult.
Whosoever will be a Sinecurist: before all things it is necessary that he hold a place of profit.
Which place except every Sinecurist do receive the salary for, and do no service: without doubt it is no Sinecure.
And a Sinecurist’s duty is this: that he divide with the Ministry and be with the Ministry in a Majority.
Neither confounding the Persons, nor dividing with the Opposition.
For there is One Ministry of Old Bags,[340] another of Derry Down Triangle:[341] and another of the Doctor.[342] But the Ministry of Old Bags, of Derry Down Triangle,[343] and of the Doctor, is all one: the folly equal, the profusion coeternal.
Such as Old Bags is, such is Derry Down Triangle: and such is the Doctor.
Old Bags a Mountebank, Derry Down Triangle a Mountebank: the Doctor a Mountebank.
Old Bags incomprehensible, Derry Down Triangle incomprehensible: the Doctor incomprehensible.
Old Bags a Humbug, Derry Down Triangle a Humbug: and the Doctor a Humbug.
And yet they are not three Humbugs: but one Humbug.
As also they are not three incomprehensibles, nor three Mountebanks: but one Mountebank, and one incomprehensible.
So likewise Old Bags is All-twattle,[344] Derry Down Triangle All-twattle: and the Doctor All-twattle.
And yet they are not three All-twattles: but one All-twattle.
So Old Bags is a Quack, Derry Down Triangle is a Quack: and the Doctor is a Quack.
And yet they are not three Quacks: but one Quack.
So likewise Old Bags is a Fool, Derry Down Triangle is a Fool: and the Doctor is a Fool.
And yet not three Fools: but one Fool.
For like as we are compelled by real verity to acknowledge every Minister by himself to be Quack and Fool;
So are we forbidden by state etiquette to say there be three Quacks, or three Fools.
Derry Down Triangle is made of none: neither born nor begotten.
Old Bags is of himself alone; a Lawyer bred, a Lord created, by the Father begotten.
The Doctor is of Old Bags, and of Derry Down Triangle: neither made, nor created, nor begotten, but proceeding.
So there is one Old Bags, not three Old Bags: one Derry Down Triangle, not three Triangles: one Doctor, not three Doctors.
And in this ministry none is afore or after the other: none is greater or less than another.
But the whole three Ministers are co-Charlatans together, and co-Tricksters.
So that, in all things, as is aforesaid: the Majority with the Ministry, and the Ministry in the Majority, is to be worshipped.
He therefore that will be a Sinecurist, must thus think of the Ministry.
Furthermore it is necessary to his Sinecure’s preservation: that he also believe rightly the mystification of Derry Down Triangle.
For the Sinecurist’s right faith is, that he believe and confess: that Derry Down Triangle, the queue of the Ministry of the great man now no more, is now both Minister and Manager.
Minister, first selling the substance of his own country to this: Manager scattering the substance of this over all the world;
Perfect Knave and perfect Fool: of unsparing despotic views—on overstrained taxation subsisting;
Equal to Old Bags as touching grave Trickery: and inferior to the Doctor as touching his Mummery.
Who although he be Knave and Fool, yet he is not two, but one Minister;
One; not by a conversion of the Charlatan into the Minister; but by shooting a more showy juggler, who wanted, and still wants, to be a Minister.
One altogether; squandering in profusion our substance: by votes of corrupt Majorities.
For as by power of Dupery, and our Money, he makes whom he will his own; so by Intrigue and Cajolery, he is Minister:—
Who to talk for our Salvation, descended to kiss the Nethermost End of Tally-high-ho; and rose again as a giant refreshed;
He ascended into a higher place, he sitteth at the right hand of the Chair; from whence he shall hear how those who being starved—‘by the Visitation of God’—became Dead.
At whose nodding all Sinecurists shall rise again, and again; and with their voices cry Aye! Aye! and the Laureate[345] in token of joy, shall mournfully chaunt the most doleful Lay in his Works.
And they that have said Aye! Aye! shall go into place everlasting; and they that have said No! shall go into everlasting Minorities.
And Coleridge shall have a Jew’s Harp, and a Rabbinical Talmud, and a Roman Missal: and Wordsworth shall have a Psalter, and a Primer, and a Reading Easy; and unto Southey’s pension Sack-but shall be duly added: and with Harp, Sack-but, and Psaltery, they shall make merry, and discover themselves before Derry Down Triangle, and Hum his most gracious Master, whose Kingdom shall have no end.
This is the Sinecurist’s duty, from doing more than which, except he abstain faithfully, he cannot be a Sinecurist.
¶ Glory be to old Bags, and to Derry Down Triangle, and to the Doctor.
As it was in the Beginning, is now, and ever shall be, if such things be, without end. Amen.
[Here endeth the Creed or Belief.]
Hone was then a poor, friendless man, whom the Government meant to crush by fine and imprisonment in case of conviction. But his triumphant acquittal on each of the three trials had effects exactly opposite to those they anticipated. The legality of his publications being fully established, and public curiosity being aroused, large numbers of the tracts were sold; Hone, instead of being ruined, found himself the hero of the day, with public sympathy in his favour, and a rapidly increasing business. The popular Alderman, Robert Waithman, M.P. for London, interested himself in the case, and presided over a public meeting at which the following resolutions were passed:—
At a MEETING of the FRIENDS of the LIBERTY of the PRESS and TRIAL by JURY, held at the City of London Tavern, on Monday, December 29, 1817,
Mr. WAITHMAN in the Chair,
Resolved unanimously,
1. That the Liberty of the Press is one of the dearest rights and proudest distinctions of Englishmen, and is inseparably connected with, and wholly dependent on the purity of the Trial by Jury.
2. That the inestimable importance of the sacred and constitutional right of Trial by Jury has never been more demonstratively proved than by the recent prosecutions and honourable acquittals of Mr. William Hone.
3. That Parodies on Scripture having been written and published by Martin Luther, the Father of the Reformation, by Dignitaries of the Church, and by other eminent and learned personages down to the present time, we are persuaded that the exception taken to the parodies of Mr. Hone by the present Ministers of the Crown was to answer political purposes against the Liberty of the Press.
4. That a hypocritical prostitution of Religion, and a pretended zeal for its defence, when used by corrupt Statesmen as a mask for political persecution, must ever be held by all sincere Christians as the worst profanation of its sacred name.
5. That it is evident, from the manner in which those prosecutions were commenced and conducted, that the real object of Ministers was not to protect Religion, but to crush an apparently defenceless individual who had exposed their political delinquencies, to stifle public discussion, to destroy the Liberty of the Press, and to uphold existing abuse.
6. That the extensive knowledge, the varied talents, the manly intrepidity, the energy of mind, and the unshaken perseverance, which enabled Mr. Willian Hone so dauntlessly to resist the reiterated assaults of Ministerial persecution, entitle him to the gratitude and support of every friend to constitutional freedom.
7. That a subscription be now opened, and that the money which may be subscribed be placed in the hands of a Committee, to be used in such way as shall appear to them best calculated to promote the permanent welfare of Mr. Hone and his family.
8. That the following Gentlemen be of the Committee—Alderman Goodbehere, Alderman Thorp, Robert Waithman, Joseph Hurcombe, William Sturch, Samuel Brooks, William Williams, William Teasdale.
9. That Robert Waithman, Esq., be the Treasurer.
10. That the Thanks of this Meeting are due to Sir Francis Burdett, Bart., for his spontaneous offers of cooperation with the Gentlemen originating the Subscription, in strict conformity with a life of pure patriotism and love of country.
11. That the Thanks of this Meeting are hereby cordially given to Mr. Charles Pearson, for his manly and successful struggle in correcting the corrupt system of packing Juries, which has contributed so essentially toward the present triumph; and especially for the gratuitous advice and assistance given to Mr. Hone throughout the whole of the prosecutions, affording a rare example to his profession of zeal, independance, and disinterestedness.
12. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Lord Cochrane, for his zealous endeavours on the present occasion.
ROBERT WAITHMAN, Chairman.
13. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Mr. Waithman, for his conduct in the Chair, and for his exertions upon all occasions to support the cause of liberty.
W. STURCH.
Palinode, 1600.
Amorphus and Phantaste.
Amo. From Spanish shrugs, French faces, smirks, irps, and all affected humours,
Chorus—Good Mercury, defend us.
Pha. From secret friends, sweet servants, loves, doves, and such phantastique humours,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Amo. From stabbing of arms, flap-dragons, healths, whiffes, and all such swaggering humours,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Pha. From waving fannes, coy glances, glickes, cringes, and all such simpering humours,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Amo. From making love by attorney, courting of puppets, and paying for new acquaintance,
Good Mercury, deliver us.
Pha. From perfumed dogs, monkeys, sparrows, and parachitoes,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Amo. From wearing bracelets of hair, shoe-ties, gloves, garters, and rings with posies,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Pha. From pargetting, painting, slicking, glazing, and renewing old rivelled faces,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Amo. From squiring to tilt-yards, play houses, pageants, and all such public places,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Pha. From entertaining one gallant to gull another, and make fools of either,
Good Mercury, defend us.
Amo. From belying ladies’ favours, nobleman’s countenance, coining counterfeit employments, vainglorious taking to them other men’s services, and all self-loving humours,
Good Mercury, defend us.
From Cynthia’s Revels, by Ben Jonson.
This satire was first acted in the year 1600, by the children of Queen Elizabeth’s Chapel, with permission of the master of the revels, the passage above quoted is one of the earliest imitations of the Church of England services, as by Law established.
——:o:——
The following examples are taken from “The Rump; or, an exact Collection of the Choycest Poems and Songs relating to the Late Times. By the most Eminent Wits, from Anno 1639 to Anno 1661.” London, 1662.
These poems were all written by the Cavaliers in support of Arbitrary power in Church and State, and against the Commonwealthmen, Puritans, and Dissenters:
A Letany for the New Year.
From all and more than I have written here,
I wish you well protected this New Year;
From Civil War, and such uncivil things
As ruine Law and Gospel, Priests and Kings;
From those who for self-ends would all betray,
From such new Saints that pistol when they pray,
From flattering Faces with infernal Souls,
From new Reformers, such as pull down Pauls,
From linsey-wolsey Lords, from Town-betrayers,
From Apron-preachers and Extempore Prayers,
From Pulpit Blasphemy, and bold Rebellion,
From Blood and—something else that I could tell ye on,
From new False Teachers which destroy the old,
From those that turn the Gospel into Gold,
From that black Pack where Clubs are always Trump,
From Bodies Politique and from the Rump,
From those that ruine when they should repair,
From such as cut off Heads instead of Hair,
From twelve-months Taxes and Abortive Votes.
From chargeable Nurse-Children in red Coats,
From such as sell their Souls to save their Sums,
From City Charters that make heads for Drums,
From Magistrates which have no truth or knowledge,
From the Red Students now in Gresham College,
From Governments erected by the Rabble,
From sweet Sir Arthur’s Knights of the round Table.
From City-Saints whose Anagram is Stains,
From Plots and being choak’d with our own Chains,
From these and ten times more which may ensue,
The Poet prays, Good Lord deliver you.
The City of London’s New Letany.
From Rumps that do Rule against Customes and Laws,
From a fardle of Fancies stil’d a Good Old Cause,
From Wives that have nails which are sharper than claws,
Good Jove, deliver us.
From Men who seek right where it’s not to be had,
From such who seek good where all things are bad,
From Wise Men far worse than fools or men mad,
Good Jove, &c.
From Soldiers that wrack the poor out of doors,
From Rumps that stuff Coffers to pleasure their Whores,
Which they secretly squeeze from Commonwealth scores,
Good Jove, &c.
From Knaves that doe pocket good Subjects estates,
From such that give Plaisters when they’ve broken our Pates,
From Rumps that do Vote down our Postes, Chaines and Gates,
Good Jove, &c.
From souldiers who mutiny for want of their pay,
And at last go sneaking without it away,
Crying, they hope for a far better day,
Good Jove, &c.
From one who brought Forces to fill up the Town,
That when Rumps were at highest he might pull them down.
Because he himself doth aim at the Crown,
Good Jove, &c.
* * * * *
From men who make use of their Friends in the nick,
And when the Brunt’s over against them do kick,
The thoughts of such Varlets do make my Muse sick,
Good night, good people all!
In the same collection there are several other imitations of less interest, one commences thus:
From Villany drest in the Doublet of Zeal,
From three Kingdoms bak’d in one Common weal,
From a gleek of Lord Keepers of one poor Seal,
Libera nos, &c.
Another thus:
That if it please thee to assist
Our Agitators, and their List,
And Hemp them with a gentle twist,
Quesumus te, &c.
That it may please thee to suppose
Our actions are as good as those
That gull the people through the Nose,
Quesumus, te, &c.
And two others, the refrain of one being:
From a Rump insatiate as the Sea,
Libera nos Domine.
and of the other:
From Fools and Knaves, in our Parliament free
Libera nos Domine.
——:o:——
The following is taken from the “Collection of the newest and most ingenious Poems, &c. against Popery,” in quarto, published soon after the Revolution, it refers to the birth of the son of James II., afterwards styled the Pretender.
A New Protestant Litany.
From Cobweb-Lawn Charters, from sham-freedom banters,
Our Liberty-keepers and new Gospel-planters,
And the trusty kind hands of our great Quo Warrantos,
Libera Nos, &c.
From High-Court Commissions, to Rome to re-join us,
From a Rhadamanth Chancellor, the Western Judge Minos,
Made Head of our Church by new Jure Divino’s,
Libera Nos, &c.
From a new-found Stone Doublet, to th’ old Sleeve of Lawn,
And all to make room for the Pope-Lander-Spawn;
To see a Babe born, through bed-curtains close drawn,
Libera Nos, &c.
From resolving o’er night, where to lye-in to-morrow,
And from cunning back-door to let Midwife thorow,
Eight months ful-grown man child, born without pang or sorrow,
Libera Nos, &c.
From a God-father Pope, to the Heir of a Throne;
From three Christian names to one Sir-name unknown,
With a Tyler milch-nurse, now the Mother’s milk’s gone,
Libera Nos, &c.
There was one in the second part of the same Collection beginning—
From immoderate fines and defamation,
From Braddon’s merciless subornation,
And from a bar of assassination,
Libera nos, Domine.
From a body that’s English, a mind that is French,
From a Lawyer that scolds like an oyster wench,
And from the new Bonner upon the Bench,
Libera nos, Domine, &c.
The Poor Man’s Litany.
(About 1810.)
From four pounds of Bread, at Sixteen-pence price,
And Butter at Eighteen, though not very nice,
And Cheese at a Shilling, though gnaw’d by the mice,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From stale Clods of Beef, at a Shilling a pound,
Which, in summer, with fly-blows and maggots abound,
Or dried by the wind, and scarce fit for a hound,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From the Tax upon Income, invented by Pitt,
Though the Great Ones contrive to lose nothing by it,
Yet we who have little are sure to be bit,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From Taxes Assess’d, now rais’d at a nod,
While Inspectors rule o’er us with their iron rod,
And expect homage paid them like some demi-god,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From Forestallers, Regraters, and all that curs’d train,
Who, to swell out their bags, will hoard up the grain,
Against which we cry out with our might and main,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From a Workhouse where hunger and poverty rage,
And distinction’s a stranger to birth, sex, or age;
Lame and Blind, all must work, or be coop’d in a cage,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From six in a bed in those mansions of woe,
Where nothing but beards, nails, and vermin do grow,
And from picking of Oakum in cellars below,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From Stickings of Beef, old, withered, and tough,
Bread, like Saw-dust and Bran, and of that not enough,
And scarcely a rag to cover our Buff,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From the tantalized sight of viewing the Great
Luxuriously rolling in coaches of state,
While thousands are starving—for something to eat,
Good Lord, deliver us!
From feasts and rejoicings, ye Gluttons, abstain,
Since the blessings you boast of but give the Poor pain,
And of which one and all so loudly complain,
Good Lord, deliver us!
But these Burthens remov’d, then united we’ll pray,
Both the young and the old, the grave and the gay—
“May the Rulers be happy, and live to be grey;”
Rejoice then, ye Britons, that’s our Jubilee day,
We beseech thee to hear us, Good Lord.
The Nobleman’s Litany.
O Aristocracy! Government divine!! have mercy upon us miserable place-men.
O Aristocracy, Government divine, &c.
Stars, Garters, and Promotions, proceeding from Aristocracy, and power, have mercy upon us miserable place-men.
Stars, Garters, and Promotions, &c.
Remember not our offences, nor the offences of our forefathers when in office,—neither take from us our places or our pensions. Spare us, Aristocracy—spare the creatures though hast raised, and be not angry with thy servants.
Aristocracy, spare us!
From all Democracy, and new-fangled doctrines,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
From fish-women, mobs, and lamp posts,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
From national assemblies, national guards, and national cockades,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
From people who judge for themselves, and pretend to the rights of man,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
From Tom Paine’s rabble and inflammatory pamphlets,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
From the insertion of paragraphs foreign to thy laws, and the liberty of the Press in general,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
From all revolution meetings, and Ca Ira clubs,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
From all investigations and reforms,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
We place-men do beseech thee to hear us, O Aristocracy, and that it may please thee to govern the Church in thine own way.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
That it may please thee to illuminate the head of our governor, and make it rich in understanding,
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
That it may please thee to bless and preserve the governor’s wife, and keep her from all uncharitableness.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
That it may please thee to shower down fat livings on all righteous pastors of the Church, so that they may enjoy every luxury, and by their preaching and living shew it accordingly.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
That it may please thee to preserve for our use, the kindly fruits of the earth, and all the game thereof, so that no other may enjoy them.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
That it may please thee to protect such as are in power, both in Church and State; to raise up them that fall; and finally, to beat down farmers, curates, and shopkeepers, beneath our feet,
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
The Londoner’s Petition.
From shrinkers and shufflers, and shelvers and shirks,
From Parochial harangues and from corporate quirks,
From the Board of many Words and no Works,
From speech-making men.
From the pestilent flow of London’s sewage,
From the further pollution of old Thames’ brewage.
From the works of the old and the talk of the new age,
Save us, Big Ben!
From Mr. Harrison’s endless motions,
From amateur engineering notions,
From Erith and Plumstead sewage oceans,
Within one mile or ten.
From penny-wisdom and pound-foolishness,
From pipe-maker’s quarrels, and Bumbledom’s mulishness,
From H. L. Taylor’s obstinate owlishness,
Save us, Big Ben!
From a thirty-six vestry-power of dilating,
Disputing, discussing, protesting and prating,
From a thirty-six vestry-pow’er of rating,
Where they like it and when.
From plans propounded only to shelve,
From the right our streets to dig and to delve,
Into sewers to be tide-locked eight hours out of twelve,
Then let loose again.
From centralisation and localisation,
“Pipe versus brick” quarrel and imputation,
Cuckoo-cries, vested rights, and vestrification,
Save us, Big Ben!
Punch. December 13, 1856.
A Dish of Facts and Scraps.
Friends and fellow-countrymen, no matter where you come from, or whether your mugs be black, white, or whitey brown, you are called upon this day to assemble and meet together to show your sympathy with suffering France, and although we ought at all times to love our neighbours as ourselves, yet it becomes us to look at home and take care of number one.
Now the well-known sufferings of the children of France have called forth the indignation of the Republicans of England, and they held meetings with the view of showing their sympathy for them.
And Nappy the Little was enjoying himself in the green fields of Kent, and the Prussian Bully laughed in his sleeve, saying “I will now let them alone, and they will be like unto the Kilkenny cats, they will fight on till there is nothing left but their precious tails.”
But the patriots of St. James’s Hall shouted, “Long live the Republic!” and Georgy (Odger), the man of wax responded, Amen!
Now about the same time the people of England were at loggerheads with the shovel-hatted gentry that infest the upper house of St. Stephen’s, inasmuch as they had rejected measures in spite of the people; and they said, it is not only illegal, but it is naughty for a man to marry the sister of a wife that is dead, excepting when it is to suit the coronetted gentry, and then it is quite a horse of another colour.
But the people communed together, saying, swallow the bill you must, or we will bring in a bill for a man to marry his grandmother, or off come your hats and silk aprons, and we will pack you away to the salt lake to dwell amongst the Mormons.
And Bruce, of cab flag notoriety, is doing his best to stop a man’s beer, by trying to close the houses for the sale of double stout. But he must mind his eye, or he will put his foot in it, and his licensing dodge will share the same fate as his never-to-be-forgotten cab act.
And the people said, who is he that interfereth with the liberties of the working men. Better for him that he had a millstone around his neck, and took a cold bath in the Serpentine.
And while these things were going on, Gladstone still slumbered, showing that he is like a barber’s block, neither use nor ornament.
Now behold, since the happy event of the wedding of the lucky Scotchman with our charming little lady Louise, the call for royal burgoo has been so great, that Scotch oatmeal has risen 50 per cent.
LET US SAY.
From all red hot babblers, who would cause us to burn our fingers. Common sense defend us!
Friends of peace and order save us!
From the tender mercies of such pious Kings as the Prussian Bully, Minister of war spare us.
Spare us, we implore thee.
And oh, ye silk aproned gentry, play not too much with the rights of Englishmen, or you will be swept from the floor of St. Stephen’s, and be compelled to earn an honest living.
And O most noble Secretary for Home affairs, we beg of you to throw up your present berth and turn teetotal spouter, for which you are more fit, and not try to rob a poor man of his beer by your new licencing dodge.
Spare us our beer, we beseech thee.
And Odger, stop up the mouths of our numerous oppressors with your lapstone of defiance, and spur up their shallow minds with your closing awl of reason, and remain for ever the true brick you always have been.
And O, Billy Gladstone, return to your duty as you promised the Electors of Greenwich and the whole of the working classes, or prepare to be sent to the imbecile ward of the nearest union.
And now may a hot joint and a pot of home brewed grace the tables of all who need it, and all our enemies be vaccinated by Old Nick on both shoulders.
So be it.
April, 1871.
The Book-Lover’s Litany.
From set spoilers and book borrowers, and from such as read in bed,
Kind Fate protect us.
From plate sneaks, portrait flickers, map tearers and from book thieves,
Kind Fate protect us.
From such as read with unwashed hands; from careless sneezers, snuff takers, and rheum voiders; from tobacco-ash droppers, grease slingers, and moth smashers; from leaf pressers and all unclean beasts,
Kind Fate protect us.
From margin slashers, letter-press clippers and page misplacers; from half-title wasters, original-cover losers, and lettering mis-spellers; from gilt daubers and all the tribe of botcher-binders,
Kind Fate protect us.
From heat and damp; from fire and mildew; from bookworms, flies and moths,
Kind Fate protect us.
From careless servants and removal fiends, and from all thoughtless women and children,
Kind Fate protect us.
From book-droppers and book wrenchers; from ink and pencil markers and scribblers; and from such as write their names on title-pages,
Kind Fate protect us.
From selling books by auction; from disposing of them by private sale and from all grave disasters,
Kind Fate protect us.
From truth economizing cataloguers; from two price booksellers; and from all disingenuous dealers,
Kind Fate protect us.
From “Bowdlerized” editions; from expurgators and all putters forth of incomplete editions,
Kind Fate protect us.
From all smatterers and pretenders; from all shallow and impertinent store assistants,
Kind Fate protect us.
From “appliance” lunatics, and library faddists; from “fonetic” cranks, and all that have shingles loose,
Kind Fate protect us.
From bibliotaphers and lock and key curmudgeons; and from all glass door bookcases,
Kind Fate protect us.
From wood pulp paper, and all chemical abominations; and from those that manufacture faint ink,
Kind Fate protect us.
From undated books, re-hashed engravings, and gaudy bindings; and from all “jerry” book-binders,
Kind Fate protect us.
From books that have no index, and from index makers in general,
Kind Fate protect us.
From all booksellers who are ignorant and pig-headed, and from them that do not advertise,
Kind Fate protect us.
H. L.
The Bookmart. January, 1887.
“A Sturdy Beggars Litany to the Colossus of the Sun, or the City of London’s intended Petition to the late Prime Minister.” Being an accurate description of his last twenty years administration.
Printed by Hugo de Burgo, for the Company of Flying Stationers. (A Broadside sheet not dated.)
This referred to Horace Walpole, Don Carlos, the Queen of Spain, Vernon’s Sea Victory and Lord Scrope.
In the Protestant Tutor for Youth is “A New Litany” in rudely vigorous triplets. The twentieth runs:—
From Arbitrary Power defend us
And let no wooden Shoes attend us,
Still Liberty of Conscience send us.
There is also a parody of the Litany in Political Ballads, edited by W. Walker Wilkins. 2 Vols., 1860, and another, dated 1856, in a pamphlet on Capital Punishment addressed to Sir G. C. Lewis, by Arthur Trevelyan J. P., with “A Litany for the Gallows.” London, 1856.
The following are imitations of what is “commonly called”
THE CREED OF SAINT ATHANASIUS.
The first is taken from an old Collection of poems, called “The Foundling Hospital for Wit”:—
Proper Rules and Instructions, Without which no Person can be an Exciseman.
Quicunque vult.
Whosoever would be an Exciseman, before all things it is necessary that he learns the Art of Arithmetic.
Which Art, unless he wholly understand, he without doubt can be no Exciseman.
Now the Art of Arithmetic is this, we know how to multiply and how to divide. Desunt pauca.
The 1 is a figure, the 2 a figure, and the 3 a figure.
The 1 is a number, the 2 a number, and the 3 a number; and yet there are Desunt plurima.
For like as we are compelled by the Rules of Arithmetic, to acknowledge every figure by itself to have signification and form:
So we are forbidden, by the rules of right reason, to say, that each of them have three significations or three powers.
The 2 is of the 1’s alone, not abstracted, nor depending, but produced.
The 3 is of the 1 and 2, not abstracted, nor depending,, nor produced, but derived. So there is one figure of 1. Desunt nonnulla.
He therefore that will be an Exciseman, must thus understand his figures.
Furthermore, it is necessary to the preservation of his place, that he also believe rightly the authority of his Supervisor.
For his interest is, that he believes and confesses that his Supervisor, the servant of the Commissioners, is master and man: Master of the Exciseman, having power from the Commissioners to inspect his books: and man to the Commissioners, being obliged to return his accounts.
Perfect master and perfect man, of an unconscionable soul and frail flesh subsisting; equal to the Commissioners, as touching that respect which is shown him by the Excisemen, and inferior to the Commissioners as touching their profit and salary.
Who, although he be master and man, is not two, but one Supervisor.
One, not by confusion of place, but by virtue of his authority; for his seal and sign manual perfect his commission; his gauging the vessels, and inspecting the Excisemens’ books, is what makes him Supervisor.
Who travels through thick and thin, and suffers most from heat or cold, to save us from the addition of taxes, or the deficiency in the funds, by corruption or inadvertency.
Who thrice in seven days goes his rounds, and once in six weeks meets the Collectors, who shall come to judge between the Exciseman and Victualler.
At whose coming all Excisemen shall bring in their accounts, and the Victuallers their money.
And they that have done well by prompt payment, shall be well treated.
And those that have done ill, by being tardy in their payment, shall be cast into jail; and the Excisemen whose books are blotted, or accounts unjustifiable, shall be turned out of their places.
These are the rules, which except a man follows, he cannot be an Exciseman.
Honour to the Commissioners, fatigue to the Supervisor, and bribery to the Exciseman.
As it was from the beginning, when taxes were first laid upon Malt, is now, and ever will be till the debts of the nation are paid. Amen.
The Matrimonial Creed.
To be used in all dwelling houses.
Whoever will be married, before all things it is necessary that he hold the conjugal faith, which is this, That there were two rational beings created, both equal, and yet one superior to the other; and the inferior shall bear rule over the superior; which faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall be scolded at everlastingly.
The man is superior to the woman, and the woman is inferior to the man; yet both are equal, and the woman shall govern the man.
The woman is commanded to obey the man, and the man ought to obey the woman.
And yet, they are not two obedients, but one obedient.
For there is one dominion nominal of the husband, and another dominion real of the wife.
And yet, there are not two dominions, but one dominion.
For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity to acknowledge that wives must submit themselves to their husbands, and be subject to them in all things;
So are we forbidden by the Conjugal Faith to say, that they should be at all influenced by their wills or pay any regard to their commands.
The man was not created for the woman, but the woman for the man.
Yet the man shall be the slave of the woman, and the woman the tyrant of the man.
So that in all things, as is aforesaid, the subjection of the superior to the inferior is to be believed.
He, therefore, that will be married, must thus think of the woman and the man.
Furthermore, it is necessary to submissive Matrimony, that he also believe rightly the infallibility of the wife.
For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that the wife is fallible and infallible.
Perfectly fallible, and perfectly infallible; of an erring soul and unerring mind subsisting; fallible as touching her human nature, and infallible as touching her female sex.
Who, although she be fallible and infallible, yet she is not two, but one woman; who submitted to lawful marriage, to acquire unlawful dominion; and promised religiously to obey, that she might rule in injustice and folly.
This is the Conjugal Faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot enter the comfortable state of Matrimony.
From The Wonderful Magazine.
A New Political Creed.
FOR THE YEAR MDCCLXVI.
Quicunque vult.
Whoever will be saved: before all things it is necessary that he should hold the Chatham faith.
Which faith, except every man keep whole and undefiled without doubt he shall sink into oblivion.
And the Chatham faith is this: that we worship one Minister in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity:
Neither confounding the persons, nor dividing the substance.
For the Privy Seal is a Minister, the Secretary is a Minister, and the Treasurer is a Minister.
Yet there are not three Ministers, but one Minister; for the Privy Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer are all one.
Such as the Privy Seal is, such is the Secretary, and such is the Treasurer.
The Privy Seal is self-create, the Secretary is self-create, and the Treasurer is self-create.
The Privy Seal is incomprehensible, the Secretary is incomprehensible, and the Treasurer is incomprehensible.
The Privy Seal is unresponsible, the Secretary is unresponsible, and the Treasurer is unresponsible.
And yet there are not three incomprehensibles, three self-created, or three unresponsibles: but one incomprehensible, one self-create, and one unresponsible.
For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity, to acknowledge every person by himself to be God and Lord;
So are we forbidden by the articles of the Chatham alliance, to say there are three Ministers:
So that in all things, the Unity in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity, are to be worshipped; and he who would be saved, must thus think of the Ministry.
Furthermore it is necessary to elevation, that he also believe rightly of the qualities of our Minister.
For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that this son of man is something more than man; as total perfection, though of an unreasonable soul, and gouty flesh consisting.
Who suffered for our salvation, descended into opposition, rose again the third time, and ascended into the House of Peers.
He sitteth on the right hand of the ——, from whence he shall come to judge the good and the bad.
And they that have done good, shall go into patent places, and they that have done bad, shall go into everlasting opposition.
This is the Chatham faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot be promoted.
As he was in the beginning, he is now, and ever will be.
Then all the people, standing up, shall say,
O blessed and glorious Trinity, three persons and one Minister, have mercy on us miserable subjects.
This parody was written against Lord Chatham. It was published in The New Foundling Hospital for Wit. 1786.
The following imitation was written by the Rev. Mr. Toplady, a very popular preacher amongst the Calvinists, who died greatly lamented, at a very early age. Mr. Toplady’s object was to ridicule Lord Chesterfield’s Letters, and the morals therein inculcated It was entitled—
“Christianity Reversed, &c.; or Lord Chesterfield’s New Creed.
“I believe, that this world is the object of my hopes and morals; and that the little prettinesses of life will answer all the ends of human existence.
“I believe, that we are to succeed in all things, by the graces of civility and attention; that there is no sin, but against good manners; and that all religion and virtue consist in outward appearance.
“I believe, that all women are children, and all men fools; except a few cunning people, who see through the rest, and make their use of them.
“I believe, that hypocrisy and adultery, are within the lines of morality; that a woman may be honourable when she has lost her honour, and virtuous when she has lost her virtue.
“This, and whatever else is necessary to obtain my own ends, and bring me into repute, I resolve to follow; and to avoid all moral offences, such as scratching my head before company, spitting upon the floor, and omitting to pick up a lady’s fan And in this persuasion I will persevere, without any regard to the resurrection of the body, or the life everlasting. Amen.
“Q. Wilt thou be initiated into these principles?
“A. That is my inclination.
“Q. Wilt thou keep up to the rules of the Chesterfield morality?
“A. I will, Lord Chesterfield being my admonisher.
“Then the officiator shall say,
“Name this child.
“A. A Fine Gentleman.
“Then he shall say,
“I introduce thee to the world, the flesh and the devil, that thou mayest triumph over all awkwardness, and grow up in all politeness; that thou mayest be acceptable to the ladies, celebrated for refined breeding, able to speak French and read Italian, invested with some public supernumerary character in a foreign Court, get into Parliament (perhaps into the Privy Council), and that, when thou art dead, the letters written to thy children, may be published, in seven editions, for the instruction of all sober families.
“Ye are to take care that this child, when he is of a proper age, be brought to Court, to be confirmed.”
The Creed of St. Athanasius.
Quicunque Vult.—(Shanghai Version.)
I. Whosoever will gain his cause, before all things it is necessary, that he understand the working of the Supreme Court.
II. Which if a man do not understand, without doubt he shall lose his dollars everlastingly.
III. And the condition of the Supreme Court is this, That there be one Judge, one assistant Judge, and one Law Secretary.
IV. The parties to a suit confound the persons, and the Court divideth the substance.
V. The Judge is incomprehensible, the Assistant Judge is more incomprehensible, and the Law Secretary most incomprehensible.
VI. And yet the decision of the Judge is not the decision of the Assistant Judge, and the decision of the Assistant Judge is not the decision of the Law Secretary.
VII. For like as we are compelled by the law of libel to say, the Judge is incorruptible, the Assistant Judge is incorruptible, and the Law Secretary is incorruptible.
VIII. So are we forbidden by the law of common sense to say, the Judge is infallible, the Assistant Judge is infallible, and the Law Secretary is infallible.
IX. And the doctrine of the Judge is this—That he was appointed for the sins of the people, and the hardness of heart of the Consuls.
X. The doctrine of the Assistant Judge is this: Equal to the Judge as touching the sign manual, but inferior to the Judge as touching beetle hunting.
XI. The doctrine of the Law Secretary is this—That he was neither made, created, nor appointed, but proceeding.
XII. Confusion to the Judge, and to the Assistant Judge, and to the Law Secretary.
XIII. As it was in the Levant, so shall it be in China, and (if they can find them) in Worlds without end.
——:o:——
The Popular Creed.
An American Socialist has written the following as an expression of the real belief of the middle classes of the present day:—
“I believe in Capital, Father Almighty, maker of weal and woe, and of all things visible and invisible. And in one power, Usury and Increase, the only begotten Son of Capital, begotten of the Father before all dues. Money of money, wealth of wealth, very cash of very cash, begotten, not made, being of one substance with capital, and whereby all things are made; which for us men and for our perdition came forth from the bottomless; and was invented by ‘auri sacra fames,’ and incarnate of the virgin money, and was made gold, stamped, and established also for our fleecing under all governments. It is conjured with and buried and made to rise again, according to the bank books.
“And I believe in ‘auri sacra fames,’ the Lord and Giver of Business, which proceedeth from Capital and Interest, which with the Father and Son together are worshipped and glorified; which spake by the economists. And I believe in one all-gathering and illimitable Thrift. I acknowledge one and every dodge for the fleecing of the poor, and I look for the Kingdom of Iniquity and eternal plunder to come.—Amen.”
——:o:——
The Gladstonian Creed.
Whosoever will be elected, before all things it is necessary that he hold the Gladstonian faith.
Which Faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish politically.
And the Gladstonian faith is this, that we worship one Gladstone in Government and Government in Gladstone.
Neither confounding his person nor divining his meaning.
For there is one person in Gladstone, another in his Son, and not another near the post.
And yet not Two Gladstones, but One Gladstone.
One Bill holds the Field, not Another in the Field, so the rest nowhere.
One Gladstone Incomprehensible, One William Incomprehensible, and One Bill Incomprehensible.
And yet there are not Three Bills, but One Bill;
As also there are not Three Premiers, nor Three Incomprehensibles, but One Premier Incomprehensible.
Who begets invisible principle and policy of Himself, the only unimpeachable authority.
For like as we are compelled by the Gladstonian Faith to acknowledge all his policy to be great, good and gracious,
So we are forbidden by the Gladstonian Religion to say there be Queen, Cabinet, Lords or Commons;
And in this faith One is Afore and never after Another; One is Greater never less than another.
So that in all things as aforesaid, Verbosity against Unity—Surrender to Malignity—is to be worshipped.
Furthermore it is necessary for proper Qualification that he also believe rightly the mystification of the Grand Old Man.
For the right faith is that we believe and confess that the People’s William does good for mankind;
That he is perfect Genius and perfect Man and yet a reasonable Soul on Destructive Acts subsisting;
Equal to no one in Love of Office, and inferior to none in Design to retain it.
For as this reasonable Soul is Flesh and Blood, so Flesh and Blood cannot understand this reasonable Soul.
Who will permit any to suffer for his Salvation, and who hopes to rise again with his Bills from the Dead;
And whosoever follows shall enter as a Gladstonian politician, and he that does not may sink into political oblivion.
This is the Gladstonian faith, which except a man believe faithfully he cannot be elected.
June, 1886.
Henry Buckle’s Creed.
This is the Creed, let no man chuckle,
Of the great thinker Henry Buckle:—
I believe in fire and water,
And in fate, dame Nature’s daughter,
Consciousness I set aside,
The dissecting knife my guide.
I believe in steam and rice,
Not in virtue nor in vice;
In what strikes the outward sense,
Not in mind nor providence;
In a stated course of crimes,
In Macaulay and the “Times.”
As for “truth” the ancients lost her;
Plato was a great impostor.
Morals are a vain illusion
Leading only to confusion.
Not in Latin nor in Greek
Let us for instruction seek;
Fools like Bossuet that might suit,
Who had better have been mute;
Let us study snakes and flies,
And on fossils fix our eyes.
Would we learn what men should do,
Let us watch the Kangaroo!
Would we know the mental march;
It depends on dates and starch!
I believe in all the gases
As a means to raise the masses.
Carbon animates ambition,
Oxygen controls volition;
Whatever’s good or great in men
May be traced to hydrogen;
And the body, not the soul,
Governs the unfathom’d whole.
From Notes and Queries.
——:o:——
Although The Pious Editor’s Creed in “The Biglow Papers” cannot be styled a parody, it is exquisitely humorous, but much too long to give in full:—
I du believe in Freedom’s cause
Ez fur away ez Paris is;
I love to see her stick her claws
In them infarnal Pharisees;
It’s wal enough agin a king
To dror resolves an’ triggers,—
But libbaty’s a kind o’ thing,
That don’t agree with niggers.
* * * * *
In short, I firmly du believe
In Humbug generally,
Fer it’s a thing thet I perceive
To hev a solid vally;
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
In pasturs sweet heth led me,
An’ this ’ll keep the people green
To feed ez they hev fed me.
——:o:——
In the works of the Right. Hon. Sir Charles Hanbury Williams there occurs a parody entitled—
The Lessons for the Day, 1742.
The First Lesson.
¶ Here beginneth the First Chapter of the Book of Preferment.
Now it came to pass in the 15th year of the reign of George the King, in the 2nd month, on the 10th day of the month at Even, that a deep sleep came upon me, the visions of the night possessed my spirit, I dreamed, and behold Robert[346] the minister came in unto the King, and besought him, saying:
O King, live for ever! let thy throne be established from generation to generation! but behold now the power which thou gavest unto thy servant is at an end, the Peterborough election is lost, and the enemies of thy servant triumph over him.
Wherefore now I pray thee, if I have found favour in thy sight, suffer thy servant to depart in peace, that my soul may bless thee.
And when he had spoken these words, he resigned unto the King his place as First Lord of the Treasury, his Chancellorship of the Exchequer, and all his other preferments.
* * * * *
This parody concludes with the following:—
Old England’s Te Deum to George the Third.
We complain of Thee, O King, we acknowledge Thee to be an Hanoverian.
All Hungary doth Worship Thee, the Captain everlasting.
To Thee all Placemen cry aloud, the House of Lords and all the Courtiers therein.
To Thee, Carteret and Bath continually do cry,
Warlike, Warlike, Warlike, Captain General of the Armies! Brunswick and Lunenburgh are full of the brightness of our coin.
The venal Company of Peers praise Thee.
The goodly fellowship of Ministers praise Thee.
The noble Army of Hanoverians praise Thee.
The Holy Bench of Bishops throughout the land doth acknowledge Thee.
Thine honourable, true, and steady Son.
Also my Lady Yarmouth the comforter.
Thou art a glorious Prince, O King!
Thou art the ever charming Son of the Father.
When thou tookest upon Thee to deliver this nation, Thou didst not abhor thy Father’s example.
When Thou hadst overcome the sharpness of want, Thou didst open the smiles of thy favour to all believers in a court.
Thou sittest at the right hand of —— in the Treasury of the Father.
We believe that Thou shalt come to be our scourge.
We therefore pray Thee provide for thy servants, whom Thou hast fed with thy renown. Make them to be numbered with thy slaves in livery everlasting.
O King, spare thy people of England.
And now squeeze thy people of Hanover.
Govern them as Thou hast governed us,
And confine them to their turnips for ever.
Day by day we sing ballads unto Thee.
And we bawl against Hanover, ever world without end.
Vouchsafe, O King, to keep us this year without thy Hanoverians.
The Lord have mercy upon us; the Lord have mercy upon us.
O King, let thy Mercy lighten our Taxes, as our Credit should be in Thee.
O King in Thee have I trusted, let me not be confounded.
Valour be to the Father, common sense to the Son, and a young bed-fellow to the Countess of Yarmouth; as was not in the beginning, is not now, nor is ever like to be, world without end. Amen!
There is another parody of the Te Deum in Robert Southey’s Omniana (vol. 2. p. 41.) entitled Te Franciscum, and dated 1733, but it is of little interest.
Catechism for the Meridian of the Exchange.
Q. What is your name?
A. A Freeman.
Q. Who gave you this name?
A. The Candidates for a seat in the House of Commons.
Q. Wherein does your Freedom consist?
A. First. In having the liberty to eat, drink, and revel in debauchery, from the commencement of the canvass to the close of the poll, let that time be what it may;—and all that on free cost.
Secondly. In giving my vote to that Candidate or his friends, whom I shall conceive the most likely to serve my own private interest, without any regard to the comparative merits of the Candidates, or the welfare and prosperity of this Town and Kingdom.
Q. What sort of morality do you call this?
A. This I call political morality; and it is this morality which has the greatest influence on the conduct of very many electors.
Q. Are there no electors who vote on other principles?
A. Yes: there are some who think, judge, and compare before they promise; and then give their suffrage, so that their hearts may not reproach them, for a violation of those principles of morality, which ought to regulate the conduct of every man, especially if he professes to be a Christian.
Q. Is this promise binding, which has been obtained on a false statement of facts?
A. All Casuists say No; especially if it be to the injury of a third person.
N.B. Freemen, it must be well-known to you, that Henry Brougham and Thomas Creevey are the Friends of Trade, Peace and Plenty, and have neither Place nor Pension; when it is equally notorious that George Canning and Isaac Gascoyne are the Friends of War, Taxes, and Famine, and are now living on the Spoils of their Country.
From An impartial Collection of Addresses, Songs, Squibs, &c., published during the Liverpool Election, October 1812.
The Candidates were the Rt. Hon. George Canning; Lt.-Gen. Isaac Gascoigne; Henry Brougham; Thomas Creevey; and Gen. B. Tarlton. (Messrs. G. Canning and Gascoigne, both Tories, were elected.)
The Income-Tax Catechism.
Q. Why is the Income and Property-Tax so called?
A. Because it is a tax on the mere Income of some people, and on the whole Property of others.
Q. Of whom is it a tax on the Income only?
A. It is a tax on the Income only, and on no more than the Income, of those whose Income consists of rent, or of the interest of Property.
Q. Of whom is it a tax on the entire Property?
A. It is a tax on the entire Property of those whose Income consists of earnings, and who have no other Property than their Income.
Q. So it is called an Income-Tax when it is a tax on Income arising from Property, and a Property-Tax when it is a tax on Income not arising from Property?
A. Yes.
Q. If persons whose Income consists merely of earnings were taxed in the same proportion as those whose Incomes consist of dividends or of rents, how much Income-Tax would they have to pay?
A. At the utmost, sixteen pence in the pound on the interest of their yearly incomes at 3 per cent. For instance, a man earning £500 a year would have to pay 20s.
Q. Would this be an equitable adjustment of the Income-Tax?
A. Not quite; because earnings are mostly precarious.
Q. How does the Income-Tax affect persons of precarious income?
A. It deprives them of the money which they ought to save as a provision against a season of loss of employment, or against old age.
Q. Where do those people go who are incapacitated by the Income-Tax from making a provision for loss of employment, or for old age?
A. To the workhouse.
Punch, December 13, 1856.
A Rabble Catechism for M.P.’S.
Respectfully Dedicated to Major Beresford, M.P., for North Essex; Ex-Tory Whipper-in, Secretary-at-War in 1852; with every possible etcetera.
Q. What is a rabble?
A. Rabble is a congregation of creatures that hiss and hoot.
Q. Biped or quadruped?
A. I believe, biped.
Q. Of what are they ordinarily composed?
A. Mud, tempered with ditch-water. Sometimes they are made of road-scrapings; they are sometimes found of pure clay.
Q. What is your duty towards the rabble?
A. My duty towards the rabble is, from the very bottom of my heart (wherever that may be) to loathe, detest, hate, and abhor them.
Q. As everything has its place in the condition of the world, what—in your opinion—in the scale of creation, is the proper place of the rabble? Take, for instance, an individual. One of the rabble?
A. I believe that one of the rabble is a—yes—a sort of link between an ape and a contented labourer. I have, I think, read of apes that chop sticks and draw water, and walk upright on two legs; I have no doubt that moral anatomy would establish the analogy. No doubt of it. Yes; one of the rabble is a link between an ape and a labourer—a contented labourer.
Q. Has the rabble any voice?
A. Certainly not: it is the want of voice that is the rabble’s distinguishing want.
Q. But supposing that the rabble could, by Act of Parliament, for instance, obtain voices—they would then be rabble no longer?
A. Certainly not.
Q. The rabble, having no articulate voices, you conceive it to be your bounden duty to hate, and, from the bottom of your heart despise them?
A. I do.
Q. But, having obtained voices, the rabble would then be to you—
A. Every one of them a man and a brother; that is—at Election times. Yes; from the bottom of my heart, a man and a brother.
A Rabble Catechism for the Rabble.
Q. What are you?
A. One o’ the rabble
Q. What makes you of the rabble?
A. Nothin’ makes me; got nothin’; that’s why nothin’ does it.
Q. What is your place in the world?
A. Got no place by rights; only what the gentlefolks is so kind—heaven bless ’em—is so kind to grant me.
Q. What are your duties in life?
A. My duties is to pay duties on ’bacca, and on whatsomever there may be put upon—tea and beer and so forth—and ax no questions.
Q. Have you any voice at elections?
A. Yes: when I hollars.
Q. But you have no vote?
A. In course not. ’Cause I’m one o’ the rabble.
Q. And as one of the rabble—what are you to expect from the gentlemen who propose themselves—for the benefit of the country—to be Members of Parliament?
A. I am to expect, and not a bit to mind it, to be despised from the bottom of their hearts.
Q. Were you created for that?
A. I was, as badgers were made to be baited, foxes to be hunted, and hedgehogs to be beaten to bits—so was the rabble made to be despised by Members of Parliament, ’specially when majors, from the very bottom of their hearts.
Punch.
Le Catechisme des Anglais.
Pour l’expulsion des Français sous Napoleon I.
D. Dis moi, mon enfant, qui es tu?
R. Anglais; par la grace de Dieu.
D. Quel est l’ennémi de notre félicité?
R. L’Empereur des Français.
D. Combien a-t-il de natures?
R. Deux: la nature humaine, et la diabolique.
D. Combien y a d’Empereurs des Français?
R. Un véritable, en trois personnes trompeuses.
D. Comment les nomme t-on?
R. Napoléon, Murat, Manuel Godoi.
D. Lequel des trois est le plus méchant?
R. Ils le sont tous trois également.
D. De qui dérive Napoléon?
R. Du péché.
D. Murat?
R. De Napoléon; et Godoi de la formation des deux autres.
D. Quel est l’esprit du prémier?
R. L’orgueil et le despotisme.
D. Du sécond.
R. La rapine, et la cruauté.
D. Du troisième?
R. La cupidité, la trahison, et l’ignorance, &c. &c.
* * * * *
This fragment of a catechism appeared in Notes and Queries June 27, 1868, with a request for information as to its origin, to which no reply seems to have been made.
A Catechism for Londoners.
Q. What is a Premium?
A. Premium is a Latin word meaning “prize” or “reward.” In London this reward is given by Landlords to themselves out of the money of incoming Tenants.
Q. Is a Premium a prize for good conduct?
A. Exclusively so. The good conduct consists in allowing Tenants to live in London at all.
Q. Is the moment when a house is taken the only occasion on which a Premium is exacted?
A. Not at all. When a lease expires, Landlords, especially Ducal ones (see Mr. Platt’s evidence before the Parliamentary Committee), often refuse to renew without a heavy Premium.
Q. Is it a valid plea to say that this Premium is a repayment to the Landlord for improvements which he has kindly made in the house?
A. No; because the Landlord hardly ever makes any improvements.
Q. Then, at any rate, Tenants of London houses can always have the advantage of a lease, if they like to pay a Premium for it?
A. Such is not the case. Some Ducal Landlords now exact Premiums, and at the same time refuse to grant leases.
Q. Then the Tenant becomes a mere Tenant-at-will?
A. Unless he prefers to become a Tenant-at-won’t, and leaves the house in disgust.
Q. Why do not all Tenants adopt the latter system?
A. Because to leave his place of business may mean to a tradesman the sacrifice of his “connection,” a fact of which Landlords take full advantage.
Q. If a Tenant asked his Landlord for compensation for improvements executed by himself, what would the latter do?
A. Improve him off the estate, probably.
Q. When a London Landlord destroys at one blow the value of a Tradesman’s good-will, by refusing him a lease, and drives him to emigrate by exacting a “starvation-rent,” what does he call the result to the Tenant?
A. A happy re-lease.
Q. What is the theoretical foundation on which Ducal Landlords build their claim to rack-rent all occupiers who “hold of” them?
A. That it is entirely owing to their own careful attention and unremitting exertions that the soil of London is now of any value whatever.
Q. And of what material is that foundation largely composed?
A. Portland Cement.
Q. What would the Ducal monopoly of land and houses in the best situations in London be called in Chicago?
A. A “corner in rents.”
Q. And what would be an appropriate name for the victim of this monopoly?
A. A Ground-Tenant.
Q. Although the Ducal system of “improving estates,” by turning out old Tenants and raising the rent to the utmost possible limit, may press hardly on individuals, do not these territorial magnates display a splendid example of public-spirited generosity and self-denying civic virtue which compensates for private loss?
A. Scarcely.
Punch. May 7, 1887.
A Catechism of the Peerage.
Question. What is a Peer.
Answer. The eldest son of his father.
Q. Who gave him that Title?
A. No one; it came to him through the accident of birth.
Q. Has he no other claim or qualification?
A. None.
Q. What is the nature of his Title?
A. Hereditary.
Q. Are there no other kind of Peers?
A. Yes; there are a few Life Peers.
Q. What are they?
A. Commoners who are made Peers for the rest of their lives, without their titles being transmitted to their heirs.
Q. Who creates Peers?
A. The Crown.
Q. What are men made Peers for?
A. For winning battles, for serving their party in the House of Commons, for being old and no longer of any use to it, for being troublesome to their colleagues, for being behind the times, and for being political nuisances that cannot be got rid of in any other way.
Q. Are Poets ever made Peers?
A. Yes. Lord Tennyson.
Q. Why was he made a Peer?
A. For writing adulatory verses, as Poet Laureate, on royal births, marriages and deaths.
Q. Besides Hereditary Peers and Life Peers, are there any other special kinds?
A. Yes. Temporal Peers and Spiritual Peers?.
Q. What are Spiritual Peers?
A. Bishops of the Church of England.
Q. What are the Privileges of a Peer?
A. To be called “My Lord,” to sit in Parliament without asking his fellow-citizens, to legislate without consulting them, to appoint clergymen to livings in the Church, and his poor relations to well-paid offices in the public service.
Q. Whom does the House of Commons represent?
A. The People of England.
Q. Whom do the Peers represent?
A. Themselves.
Q. How many are they?
A. Five hundred and twelve.
Q. How many does the People’s House represent?
A. Thirty-four millions.
Q. Are the members of the House of Lords all English.
A. No; the Scotch Peers created before 1707 elect sixteen of their number to sit in each Parliament, and the Irish Peers created before 1801 elect twenty-eight of their number to sit for life.
Q. How many Peers are Conservatives, and how many are Liberals?
A. There are 285 Conservatives and 218 Liberals, the remaining few being uncertain.
Q. Do they vote on all questions in proportion to these numbers?
A. No; they generally show an overwhelming majority against Liberal measures, especially in relation to the Landed Interest.
Q. Can they prevent the People’s House from passing any laws it may deem necessary?
A. Yes.
Q. Have they often done so?
A. Yes, always, until they were beaten.
Q. Are not the Bishops more friendly to measures passed by the People’s House for the good of the nation?
A. No; they have always opposed such measures even more obstinately than the Temporal Peers.
Q. How many clergymen are appointed to their livings by Peers?
A. Nearly five thousand.
Q. Are the Peers rich or poor?
A. Rich.
Q. What does their wealth spring from?
A. The land.
Q. Do they cultivate it?
A. No, they own it, and the cultivators pay them rent.
Q. How much land do they own?
A. 16,411,986 acres.
Q. How much land is there in Great Britain and Ireland?
A. 72,119,961 acres, exclusive of waste lands and commons.
Q. What is the yearly income of the richest Peer?
A. Four hundred thousand pounds.
Q. How much is that per day?
A. Ten hundred and ninety-five pounds.
Q. What is the highest daily wage of a farm labourer?
A. Half-a-crown.
Q. How much public money do the Peers draw from offices and pensions?
A. £598,056.
Q. Have the Peers any other power or influence than that already mentioned?
A. Yes, they have nearly three hundred relations, by birth or marriage, in the House of Commons.
Q. Have the Peers any other privileges?
A. Yes, the clergy pray for them every Sunday that they may be endued with grace, wisdom, and understanding.
Q. Is the prayer answered?
A. No.
Q. What are the duties of a Peer?
A. To spend his money, and to sit in the House of Lords when he feels disposed.
Q. Is he often so disposed?
A. No; the average attendance of Peers in the House of Lords is about twenty.
Q. Have the Peers no other duties?
A. Yes, they have to provide the chief officers of the Royal Household, as only Peers and Peeresses can perform such exalted functions.
Q. Do they fill those offices gratuitously?
A. No, they are handsomely paid, some of them receiving as much as £2,000 a year.
Q. Have they any other duty?
A. No, that is the whole duty of a Peer.
Issued by The People’s League for the Abolition of the Hereditary Chamber.
The Drunkard’s Catechism.
Question.—What is your name?
Answer.—Drunken Sot.
Q.—Who gave you that name?
A.—As drink is my idol, landlords and their wives get all my money; they gave me that name in my drunken sprees wherein I was made a member of strife, a child of want, and an inheritor of a bundle of rags.
Q.—What did your landlords and landladies promise for you.
A.—They did promise and vow three things in my name, first, that I should renounce the comfort of my own fireside; secondly, starve my wive and hunger my children; thirdly, walk in rags and tatters, with my shoe soles going flip flap all the days of my life.
Q.—Rehearse the articles of thy belief.
A.—I believe in the existence of one Mr. Alcohol, the great head and chief of all manner of vice, the source of nine-tenths of all diseases! and I not only believe, but am sure that when my money is gone and spent, the landlord will stop the tap and turn me out.
Q.—How many commandments have ye sots to keep?
A.—Ten.
Q.—Which be they?
A.—The same which the landlord and landlady spake in the bar, saying, We are thy master and thy mistress who brought thee out of the paths of virtue, placed thee in the ways of vice, and set thy feet on the road which leadeth to New South Wales.
I.—Thou shalt use no other house but mine.
II.—Thou shalt not make to thyself any substitute for intoxicating drinks, such as tea, coffee, ginger-pop and lemonade; for I am a jealous man, wearing the coat that should be on thy back, eating thy children’s bread, and pocketing the money which should make thee and thy wife happy all the days of thy life.
III.—Thou shalt not use my house in vain.
IV.—Remember that thou eat but one meal on the Sabbath day. Six days shalt thou drink and spend all thy money, but the seventh day is the Sabbath, wherein I wash my floor, mend my fires and make ready for the company the remaining part of the day.
V.—Thou shalt honor the landlords, the landladies and the gin-shops, with thy presence that thy days may be few and miserable, in the land wherein thou livest.
VI.—Thou shalt commit murder, by starving, hungering and beating thy wife and family.
VII.—Thou shalt commit self-destruction.
VIII.—Thou shalt sell thy wife’s and children’s bread and rob thyself of all thy comforts.
IX.—Thou shalt bear false witness when thou speakest of the horrors, saying, Thou art in good health when labouring under the barrel fever.
X.—Thou shalt covet all thy neighbour is possessed of; thou shalt covet his house, his land, his purse, his health, his wealth, and all that he has got, that thou mayest indulge in drunkenness, help the brewer to buy a new coach, a pair of fine horses, a new dray, and a fine building, that he may live in idleness all his days; likewise to enable the landlord to purchase a new sign to place over his door, with “Licensed to be drunk on the Premises” written thereon.
The foregoing are only a few of the many imitations of the Catechism, others are either too long to quote, or not sufficiently interesting.
There was one published during the Regency, entitled “A Political Catechism, dedicated (without permission) to His most Serene Highness Omar Bashaw, Bey and Governor of the Warlike City and Kingdom of Algiers; the Earl of Liverpool, Lord Castlereagh, and Co.” Coventry: J. Turner. Price Twopence. It was also published in London, by R. Carlile, 1817.
This was written to urge the people to petition the Prince Regent for Parliamentary, and Constitutional Reform.
Another, which was published about three years ago, was styled “The Conservative Catechism, or, the Principles of Organised Hypocrisy Explained.” This was issued, at the low price of one penny, by Abel Heywood & Son, Manchester, and had a large sale among the Radical voters at the time of the last Election.
——:o:——
The following parody occurred in a sermon preached at St. Paul’s Cross during the reign of James I., by Dr. John Boys, Dean of Canterbury:—
“Our Pope, which art in Rome, cursed be thy name; perish may thy kingdom; hindered may thy will be, as it is in heaven, so in earth. Give us this day our cup in the Lord’s Supper; and remit our moneys which we have given for thy indulgencies, as we send them back unto thee; and lead us not into heresy; but free us from misery; for thine is the infernal pitch and sulphur, for ever and ever. Amen.”
This was printed in Jefferson’s Entertaining Literary Curiosities, 1808, and was also referred to by Hone in his trials.
A long article appeared in Notes and Queries, August 8, 1885, devoted to the history of the Lord’s Prayer, with variations, paraphrases, imitations, and translations. It gave two curious versions of the Prayer in very early English.
“Monsieur Grévy, qui êtes à l’Elysée, demeurez et faites que nous demeurions toujours dans les sentiments républicains. Touchez vos loyers en paix. Distribuez de bonnes places à vos serviteurs. Rendez des portefeuilles à ceux qui n’en ont plus, continuez a faire grâce aux condamnés comme ils vous feraient grâce eux mêmes, et délivrez-nous des petits papiers. Au nom du beau-père, du gendre, et de Boulanger. Amen!”
——:o:——
The Wife’s Commandments.
| I. | Thou shalt have none other wife but me. |
| II. | Thou shalt not take into thy house any beautiful brazen image to bow down to her, nor serve her, for I thy wife am a jealous wife, visiting the sins of the husband unto thee, etc. |
| III. | Thou shalt not take the name of thy wife in vain. |
| IV. | Remember to keep her respectably. |
| V. | Honour thy wife’s Father and Mother. |
| VI. | Thou shalt not scold. |
| VII. | Thou shalt not find fault with thy dinners. |
| VIII. | Thou shalt rock the cradle during my absence, and shalt prepare the tea for my return. |
| IX. | Thou shalt not be behind thy neighbours. |
| X. | Thou shalt not visit the whisky tavern, thou shalt not covet the tavern keeper’s Rum, nor his Brandy, nor his Gin, nor his Whisky, nor his Wine, nor anything that is behind the bar, nor in front of the bar of the tavern keeper. |
The Husband’s Commandments.
| I. | Thou shalt have no other Husband but me. |
| II. | Thou shalt not take unto thyself any man wherewith to call him Husband, to bow down to him, nor to worship him, for I am a jealous Husband, visiting, etc. |
| III. | Thou shalt not take any other name but that of thine Husband. |
| IV. | Remember to keep him respectably. |
| V. | Honour thy Husband’s lawful commands. |
| VI. | Thou shalt not scold. |
| VII. | Thou shalt not be too fond of fine clothes, but be saving in all things. |
| VIII. | Thou shalt not gossip with thy Neighbours, but do thy work. |
| IX. | Thou shalt not tell thy Neighbours of any of thine Husband’s faults. |
| X. | Thou shalt not frequent Theatres, or Music Halls, or Concert Rooms, or any other place of that kind without thine Husband. |
Les X. Commandements des Baigneurs.
De nombreux accidents arrivant chaque année il ne nous paraît pas inutile de rappeller à nos chers lecteurs les dix commandements du grand hygiéniste hongrois, Kruger.
I. Après les émotions vives, ne te baigne pas.
II. Après un malaise subit, ne te baigne pas.
III. Après une nuit d’insomnie, après un excès de fatigue, ne te baigne pas.
IV. Après un repas copieux, après de chaudes libations, ne te baigne pas.
V. Lorsque tu te rends au bain, ne cours pas.
VI. Ne te baigne pas dans une eau dont tu ne connais pas la profondeur.
VII. Déshabille-toi lentement, mais, aussitôt déshabillé, entre dans l’eau.
VIII. Jette-toi dans l’eau la tête la première; si tu ne sais pas plonger, immerge-toi un instant.
IX. Ne reste pas longtemps dans l’eau, à moins que tu ne sois d’un tempérament très fort.
X. Après le bain frictionne-toi, habille-toi promptement, et marche.
The X Commandments of the Canting Crew.
Perhaps the most whimsical laws that were ever prescribed to a gang of thieves were those framed by William Holliday, one of the prigging community, who was hanged in 1695:—
I. That none of his company should presume to wear shirts, upon pain of being cashiered.
II. That none should lie in any other places than stables, empty houses, or other bulks.
III. That they should eat nothing but what they begged, and that they should give away all the money they got by cleaning boots among one another, for the good of the fraternity.
IV. That they should neither learn to read nor write, that he may have them the better under command.
V. That they should appear every morning by nine on the parade, to receive necessary orders.
VI. That none should presume to follow the scent but such as he ordered on that party.
VII. That if any one gave them shoes or stockings, he should convert them into money to play.
VIII. That they should steal nothing they could not come at, for fear of bringing a scandal upon the company.
IX. That they should not endeavour to clear themselves of vermin, by killing or catching them.
X. That they should cant better than the Newgate birds, pick pockets without bungling, outlie a Quaker, outswear a lord at a gaming-table, and brazen out all their villanies beyond an Irishman.
These rules have their counterpart amongst French thieves, whose “Commandements” will be found in Professor Barrère’s Argot and Slang.
Ten Commandments to be Observed by all the People of Great Britain.
After the Passing of the Allopathic Trades Union Medical Bill, of 1877,
1st. I am thy Family Doctor, duly appointed by the state. I brought thee into this world of sorrow, and so long as thou livest, to thee, in matters medical, it must be a land of bondage.
2nd. Thou shalt have none other Doctor but me.
3rd. Thou shalt not make for thyself any medicine; nor gather any herbs that grow upon the earth, nor in the waters about the earth; thou shalt not use anything, however simple, in treating disease: for I, thy Doctor, am a very jealous man, and for any infraction of this, thy duty, I will visit thy transgression with pains and penalties; yea, I will incarcerate thee into a prison, and so punish for thy doings, those dependent upon thee. And if thou wilt blindly follow my advice, and pay obedience to me, I will promise thee, when ill, that I will bleed, blister, and salivate thee at my pleasure; and so reward thee with a ruined constitution, to drag out a miserable existence for the remainder of thy days.
4th. Thou shalt not speak lightly of my name, for I am protected by law; and the law will not hold him guiltless that interferes in any way with me.
5th. Remember that thou prayest for my welfare when attending thy church on the sabbath day. Six days shalt thou labour to prostrate thy body and work for my fees; but the seventh day is the sabbath, and on that day thou must do nothing towards restoring or improving thy health, or thy wife’s health, or thy children’s health, or above all, thy neighbour’s health; nor must thou think about it, it is something that does not concern thee, I claim that as my special privilege—state protected. I am all powerful in these matters, and as such must be respected.
6th. Honour thy Doctor more than anyone else, for I claim thee, body and soul, whilst residing in England, the land of thy birth.
7th. Thou shalt not think for thyself.
8th. Thou art an Englishman, and the law hath handed thee over to my tender keeping.
9th. Thou shalt never be a Doctor.
10th. Thou shalt not tell thy neighbour of any remedy that will do him good, for I shall watch thy doings jealously. Thou shalt never covet the position of a medical adviser. If thou seest thy neighbour suffering, or his wife suffering, or any of his children suffering and thou art in possession of any remedy that will do them good, thou shalt not advise, nor use it; for I, thy Doctor, state protected, am always watchful, to visit upon thee pains and penalties for any infraction of these my commandments.
These lines were published in Paris, in 1867, when a new and stringent law considerably curtailed the liberty of the French press. The main idea contained in this epigram is borrowed from Beaumarchais:—
“On me dit que, pendant ma retraite économique, il s’est établi dans Madrid un système de liberté sur la vente des productions, qui s’étend meme à celles de la presse; et que, pourvu que je ne parle en mes écrits ni de l’autorité, ni du culte, ni de la politique, ni de la morale, ni des gens en place, ni des corps en crédit, ni de l’Opéra, ni des autres spectacles, ni de personne qui tienne à quelque chose, je puis tout imprimer librement, sous l’inspection de deux ou trois censeurs.”
Le Mariage de Figaro. Acte. v. Sc. iii.
Byron’s Poetical Commandments.
If ever I should condescend to prose,
I’ll write poetical commandments, which
Shall supersede beyond all doubt all those
That went before; in these I shall enrich
My text with many things that no one knows,
And carry precept to the highest pitch:
I’ll call the work “Longinus o’er a Bottle,
Or, Every Poet his own Aristotle.”
Thou shalt believe in Milton, Dryden, Pope;
Thou shalt not set up Wordsworth, Coleridge, Southey;
Because the first is crazed beyond all hope,
The second drunk, the third so quaint and mouthy;
With Crabbe it may be difficult to cope,
And Campbell’s Hippocrene is somewhat drouthy;
Thou shalt not steal from Samuel Rogers, nor
Commit—flirtation with the muse of Moore.
Thou shalt not covet Mr. Sotheby’s Muse,
His Pegasus, nor anything that’s his;
Thou shalt not bear false witness like “the Blues”—
(There’s one, at least, is very fond of this);
Thou shalt not write, in short, but what I choose;
This is true criticism, and you may kiss——
Exactly as you please, or not, the rod;
But if you don’t, I’ll lay it on, by God!
Don Juan. Canto i.
——:o:——
Contemporary with Mr. William Hone was a printer and publisher, named Richard Carlile, who, in 1817, had a shop at 183, Fleet Street, London.
He dealt largely in similar publications to those sold by Hone, and indeed reprinted the very parodies for publishing which Hone had been tried and acquitted. Like Hone, too, he was prosecuted by the Government of the day, and in October, 1819, was sentenced to three years’ imprisonment and to pay fines of £1,000 and £500 respectively, for publishing Paine’s “Age of Reason” and Palmer’s “Principles of Nature.” As he would not, or could not, pay these heavy fines, he was kept in prison until 1825.
Carlile republished Wat Tyler, a work which had been written by Robert Southey, when an ardent young Republican, but which, when he became Poet Laureate, and a pensioner of the Tory Government, he was very anxious should be forgotten. Southey endeavoured to prohibit the republication, but to no purpose, and over twenty-five thousand copies of the work were sold. Carlile also edited The Republican, The Lion, The Gauntlet, The Christian Warrior, and other publications. He was born at Ashburton in 1790, and died in 1843; his body, after having been dissected at St. Thomas’s Hospital at his own request, was buried in Kensal Green Cemetery.
Even those who agreed with Carlile’s very advanced theories were compelled to admit that he was a most eccentric individual, and his publications are decidedly inferior in literary merit to those issued by Hone. One of these was entitled The Bullet Te Deum with the Canticle of the Stone, 1817, a political parody of “Te Deum Laudamus.” He published another two-penny political pamphlet (ascribed to Professor Porson), called “A New Catechism for the use of the Swinish Multitude. Necessary to be had in all Sties.” This was written partly in answer to Burke’s celebrated essay on the Sublime and the Beautiful. But of all Carlile’s political parodies probably the following was the best. It was entitled—
The Order for the
Administration of the Loaves and Fishes; or,
The Communion of Corruption’s Host;
Diligently corrected and revised.
Commanded to be read at the Treasury the day preceding all Cabinet Dinners.
The Order, &c. &c.
¶ So many as intend to be partakers of the Loaves and Fishes, shall signify their names to the Chief Minister, at least some days before the meeting of Parliament.
¶ And if any one of these be an open hearted and upright character, or have not done any wrong to the people, by word or deed, so that he be not like unto the Host of Corruption; the Minister having knowledge thereof, shall call him, and advertise him, that in anywise he presume not to be a partaker of the Loaves and Fishes, until he hath openly declared himself to have truly repented and amended his former naughty life, that Corruption’s Host may thereby be satisfied, which before were offended; and that he hath recompensed the parties, by declaring himself to be in readiness so to do, as soon as he conveniently may.
¶ The same order shall the Minister use with those betwixt whom he perceiveth malice and hatred to reign; not suffering them to be partakers of the Loaves and Fishes, until he know them to be reconciled. And if one of the parties so at variance be content to forgive, from the bottom of his heart, all that the other hath trespassed against him, and to make amends for that he himself hath offended; and the other party will not be persuaded to a Ministerial unity, but remain still in frowardness and the Opposition: The Minister, in that case, ought to admit the penitent person to a share of the plunder, and not him that is obstinate. Provided that every Minister so repelling any, as is specified in this or the next paragraph of this Rubrick, shall be obliged to give an account of the same to the Cabinet, within fourteen days after, at the farthest. And the Cabinet shall prevent the offending person from receiving either Sinecure, Pension, or Place of Profit.
¶ The Table at the Cabinet dinner having a fair white damask cloth upon it, shall be covered with every luxury the earth produceth, and all Members to be there invited that shall accede to the foregoing rules, at least seven days before the opening of Parliament, there to hear repeated the Regent’s Speech, and Address thereon, and to rehearse the debates that shall be made on the said Speech and Address, also to be well acquainted with the amendment that shall be proposed by Corruption’s best allies, the Whigs. Dinner being over, the Minister at the head of the table shall first repeat the Regent’s speech as followeth:—
We lament that our Father[347] is still secluded, hallowed be thy name, Our kingdom come, our will be done in France and Ireland, as it is in Great Britain. Give us this year, our women and wine, and forgive us our debts, that we may be enabled to satisfy those to whom we are indebted. And lead us not into danger, but deliver us from the disaffected. Amen.
The Address.
High and mighty Prince, unto whom our hearts are open, our desires known, and from whom our secrets are not hid, gratify the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of thy goodly Places and Pensions, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify thy name; through the mediation of Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
¶ Then shall the Minister, turning to the Host, rehearse distinctly, all the Ten Commandments; and the Host, sitting open-mouthed, shall, after every Commandment, ask the Prince mercy for their transgressions thereof for the time past, and a Pension to keep the same for the time to come, as followeth:
Minister. The Prince spake these words, and said; I am the Prince thy Ruler: thou shall seek no other Prince but me.
Host. O Ministers, place a Pension upon us, that will incline our hearts to keep this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven image of Bonaparte, nor a caricature likeness of any thing belonging to the Court or its Minions. Thou shalt not express pleasure at seeing them in the houses of others; for I the Prince thy Ruler am a jealous Prince, and intend to protract the wretchedness of the Fathers upon the Children, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me, and to extend sinecure-offices and pensions unto thousands in them that love me, and keep my commandments.
Host. O Ministers, be lavish upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not expose the name or character of the Prince thy Ruler to contempt, for the Prince will not hold him guiltless, that speaketh disrespectfully of him.
Host. O Ministers procure us a title, to incline our hearts to keep this law.
Minister. Remember that thou attend the division; at all other times thou mayst be absent, and do that thou hast to do, but to be in the division is thy duty to the Prince. In it thou shalt do as the Minister doth, for his majority compensates for his want of ability, and enableth him to create, or destroy; to suspend the laws, or enact new ones; to keep a large Army to stifle the cries of the hungry, to use the bayonet, instead of granting Reform; wherefore the Minister blesseth the majority and sanctifieth it.
Host. O Ministers withhold not our Pensions, but incline our hearts to keep this law.
Minister. Honour the Regent and Lord Castlereagh, that thy seat may be long in the Parliament, which the Boroughmonger hath sold to thee.
Host. O Ministers bestow your gifts upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not say that a Prince, or a Duke hath committed Murder.
Host. O ye Princes and Dukes be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to set aside the law.
Minister. Thou shalt not say the Prince committeth adultery.
Host. O Prince be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to pervert the law.
Minister. Thou shalt not hesitate to procure false witnesses against those whom we fear.
Host. O Ministers be mindful of us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not covet the company of Reformers, nor be found with them, nor consent to any of their ways, nor be with their wives or servants, or any thing that is theirs.
Host. O Minister by the continuance of our Places, our Pensions, and our Sinecures, write all these thy laws in our hearts we beseech thee.
¶ Then shall follow the Collect for the Ministry belonging to the House of Lords.
Let us Pray. Mighty Prince whose kingdom may not be lasting; whose power is finite; Have mercy upon the whole Host; and be so ruled by thy chosen servants, Liverpool, Sidmouth, Eldon, and their associates, that they (knowing whose Ministers they are) may above all things aggrandize themselves and dependents; and that we (duly considering under whose authority we are) may faithfully serve, honour, and humbly obey them, in view of, and hoping for farther benefits, according to thy word and ordinance; through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
¶ A Collect for those of the Ministry of the House of Commons.
Mighty and lasting Prince, we are taught by thy conduct that the hearts of Princes are at the disposal of their Ministers, and that thou dost dispose and turn thine as it seemeth best to their goodly wisdom: We humbly beseech thee so to continue thy condescension to Castlereagh, Vansittart, and their associates, that in all their thoughts, words and actions, they may ever seek their own honour and glory, and study to preserve us committed to their charge, in wealth, peace and goodliness: through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
The Creed for the use of Corruption’s Host.
I believe in Lord Castlereagh, the supreme director of all our affairs, maker of treaties for all nations, for the benefit of none; and in the excellence of his features, fundamental and unfundamental.
And in one George Canning, of doubtful origin, the tool and puppet of Lord Castlereagh, who, together with Lord Castlereagh, falling out about their share of the public plunder, went into a certain field to fight with swords and pistols, unfortunately without any intent to kill, who came out again without injury, to the great grief of all the People; who went on an embassy to the Court of Portugal, where there was no King, for the sole purpose of recovering the health of his son, at the expence of many thousands of pounds to the People: he rose again to the Cabinet, from whence he judgeth the Reformers; and his impudence shall have no end.
And I believe in the Prince Regent, Lord and Giver of Places, who, together with the Ministers, we should worship and glorify, who speaketh by Proclamations, Commissioners, and Green Bags; I believe in the stability of the funds, I look not for a remission of taxes, no, not till the Resurrection of the Dead. And I look not for a better Government in the world to come. Amen.
Here endeth the Order for the Administration of the
Loaves and Fishes.
(London: R. Carlile, 1817.)
——:o:——
The Chronicles of the Kings of England: Written in the manner of the Ancient Jewish Historians. By Nathan Ben Saddi, a Priest of the Jews. London: Printed for T. Cooper at the Globe in Pater-noster Row. 1741.
This is in two books, and concludes with the reign of George II:
“And George was forty and four years old when he began to reign, and behold the Sceptre continueth in his Hand, the Crown also is on his Head; and he sitteth on the Throne of his Majesty unto this Day.
And now behold these are the Names of the Kings of England, and these are their generations.
George the Second, who was the son of George the First, who was the cousin of Anne, who was the sister-in-law of William the Third, who was the son-in-law of James the Second, who was the brother of Charles the Second, who was the son of Charles the First, who was the son of James the First, who was the cousin of Elizabeth, who was the sister of Mary, who was the sister of Edward the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Eighth, who was the son of Henry the Seventh, who was the cousin of Richard the Third, who was the uncle of Edward the Fifth, who was the son of Edward the Fourth, who was the cousin of Henry the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Fifth, who was the son of Henry the Fourth, who was the cousin of Richard the Second, who was the grandson of Edward the Second, who was the son of Edward the First, who was the son of Henry the Third, who was the son of John, who was the brother of Richard the First, who was the son of Henry the Second, who was the cousin of Stephen, who was the cousin of Henry the First, who was the brother of William Rufus, who was the son of William the Conqueror, who was the son of a w——.”
The Chronicle of the Kings of England, from William the Norman to the Death of George III. Written after the manner of the Jewish Historians: with Notes explanatory and illustrative. London: J. Fairburn, 1821.
This is an amplified re-issue of the preceding work, with notes, and repeating the genealogical table so as to include the name of George III. This edition of The Chronicles of the Kings should have a large folding perspective chronology of the Reign of George the Third, which is frequently wanting.
The following is an extract from this work, describing the reigns of Elizabeth and James:
“Now Elizabeth was twenty and five years old when she began to reign, and she reigned over England forty and four years, four months, and seven days, and her mother’s name was Anna Bullen. And she choose unto herself wise and able ministers, and governed her kingdom with power and great glory.
“The sea also was subject unto her, and she reigned on the ocean with a mighty hand.
“Her admirals compassed the world about, and brought her home treasures from the uttermost parts of the earth.
“The glory of England she advanced to its height, and all the princes of the earth sought her love; her love was fixed on the happiness of her people, and would not be divided. The era of learning was also in her reign, and the genius of wit shone bright in the land. Spencer and Shakespeare, Verulam and Sidney, Raleigh and Drake adorned the court, and made her reign immortal. And woe unto you Spaniards, woe unto you, you haughty usurpers of the American seas for at the light’ning of her eyes ye were destroyed, and at the breath of her mouth ye were scattered abroad; she came unto your armada as a whirlwind, and as a tempest of thunder she overwhelmed you in the sea.
“Wisdom and strength were in her right hand, and in her left were glory and wealth.
“She spake, and it was war; she waved her hand, and the nations dwelt in peace.
“Her Ministers were just, and her counsellers were sage; her captains were bold, and her maids of honour ate beefsteaks for their breakfast.
“And Elizabeth slept with her fathers, and she was a virgin. She was buried in the chapel of King Henry VII., and James of Scotland reigned in her stead.
“And Jamie thought himself a bonny King, and a mickle wise mon, howbeit, he was a fool and a pedant.
“But the spirit of flattery went forth in the land, and the great men and the bishops offered incense unto him, saying, O most sacred King! thou art wiser than the children of men; thou speakest by the spirit of God; there has been none equal to thee before thee; neither will any rise after thee like unto thee.
“Thus they abused him daily with lying and fulsome adulation; and the ear of James was tickled therewith, and he was puffed up and thought himself wise; whereupon he began to dispute with the doctors, and to decide controversies, and to write books, and the world was undeceived.
——:o:——
An Election Placard.
In favour of Charles James Fox, Westminster, 1784.
The first Chapter of the Times.
1. And it came to pass that there were great dissensions in the West, amongst the rulers of the Nation.
2. And the counsellors of the back stairs said, Let us take advantage and yoke the people even as oxen, and rule them with a rod of iron.
3. And let us break up the Assembly of Privileges, and get a new one of Prerogatives; and let us hire false prophets to deceive the people. And they did so.
4. Then Judas Iscariot went among the citizens, saying, “Choose me one of your Elders, and I will tax your innocent damsels, and I will take the bread from the helpless, lame and blind.
5. “And with the scrip which will arise, we will eat, drink, and be merry.”
Then he brought forth the roll of sheepskin, and came unto the ginshops, cellars, and bye places, and said, “Sign your names,” and many made their marks.
6. Now it came to pass, that the time being come when the people choose their elders, that they assembled together at the hustings, nigh unto the Place of Cabbages.[348]
7. And Judas[349] lifted up his prerogative phiz, and said “Choose me, choose me.” But the people said, “Satan, avaunt! thou wicked Judas! hast thou not deceived thy best friend? Would’st thou deceive us also? Get thee behind us, thou unclean Spirit!”
8. We will have the man who ever has and will support our cause, and maintain our rights, who stands forth to us, and who will never be guided by Secret Influence!
9. And the people shouted, and cried with an exceeding loud voice, saying “Fox is the man!”
10. Then they caused the trumpets to be sounded, as at the feast of the full moon, and sang, “Long live Fox, may our champion live for ever! Amen!”
In Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine for October, 1817, there appeared an article entitled “Translation of an ancient Chaldee Manuscript,” it commenced on page 89, and ended at the foot of page 96. It was written in Biblical phraseology and was divided into four chapters, each of which was subdivided into verses. The parody was made on a certain chapter of Ezekiel, and was introduced by a preface, stating that it was a translation of a Chaldee manuscript preserved in a great library at Paris.
Professor Ferrier, in a Notice appended to Christopher North’s Nodes Ambrosianae, says “this trenchant satire on men and things in the metropolis of Scotland, excited the most indescribable commotion at the time—so much noise, indeed, that never since has it been permitted to make any noise whatever, having been pitilessly suppressed in consequence of threatened legal proceedings.” But some prosecutions were nevertheless commenced, and one was referred to the private decision of a Scotch judge, who, it is said, convicted the Publisher, and fined him two hundred and thirty pounds, for a foul and indecent libel.
The November number, 1817, of Blackwood’s Magazine contained the following:—
Note from the Editor.
“The Editor has learned with regret, that an article in the First Edition of last Number, which was intended merely as a jeu d’esprit, has been construed so as to give offence to individuals justly entitled to respect and regard; he has on that account withdrawn it in the Second Edition, and can only add, that if what has happened could have been anticipated, the article in question certainly never would have appeared.
With the December Number will be given eight pages, to supply the deficiency occasioned by the omission of the article, Translation from an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript.”
It has been recently ascertained that the original conception of this Chaldee M.S. was due to James Hogg, who wrote part of it, the remainder of the production being the work of Christopher North, and Lockhart.
A set of the magazine containing this parody is now rarely to be met with.
Professor Ferrier considers that people of the present day would be greatly amused by what he calls this delicious jeu d’esprit. Perhaps a few Scotchmen intimately acquainted with the Edinburgh literature and society of seventy years ago might be, but to the majority of readers the Chaldee Manuscript would appear dull, tedious, and uninteresting, otherwise it would have been inserted in this chapter.
In the works of Father Prout (Rev. Francis Mahony) the following passage occurs with reference to the Comte de Buffon:—“Having predetermined not to leave Moses a leg to stand on, he sweeps away at one stroke of his pen the foundations of Genesis, and reconstructs this terraqueous planet on a new patent principle. I have been at some pains to acquire a comprehensive notion of his system, and aided by an old Jesuit, I have succeeded in condensing the voluminous dissertation into, a few lines, for the use of those who are dissatisfied with the Mosaic statement, particularly the professors at the school in Gower Street:—”
1. In the beginning was the sun, from which a splinter was shot off by chance, and that fragment was our globe.
2. And the globe had for its nucleus melted glass, with an envelope of hot water.
3. And it begun to twirl round, and became somewhat flattened at the poles.
4. Now, when the water grew cool, insects began to appear, and shell-fish.
5. And from the accumulation of shells, particularly oysters (tom. i. 4to. edit. p. 14), the earth was gradually formed, with ridges of mountains, on the principle of the Monte Testacio at the gate of Rome.
6. But the melted glass kept warm for a long time, and the arctic climate was as hot in those days as the tropics now are: witness a frozen rhinoceros found in Siberia, &c. &c. &c.
——:o:——
THE BIBLE OF THE FUTURE.
The following specimen of what is to be the Bible of the future is published by an American paper:—
Genesis.—Chapter 1.
1. Primarily the Unknowable moved upon cosmos, and evolved protoplasm.
2. And protoplasm was inorganic and undifferentiated, containing all things in potential energy; and a spirit of evolution moved upon the fluid mass.
3. And the Unknowable said, Let atoms attract; and their contact begat light, heat, and electricity.
4. And the Unconditioned differentiated the atoms, each after its kind; and their combinations begat rock, air, and water.
5. And there went out a spirit of evolution from the Unconditioned, and working in protoplasm, by accretion and absorption, produced the organic cell.
6. And cell by nutrition evolved primordial germ, and germ developed protogene, and protegene begat eozoon, and eozoon begat monad, and monad begat animalcule.
7. And animalcule begat ephemera; then began creeping things to multiply on the face of the earth.
8. And earthy atom in vegetable protoplasm begat the molecule, and thence came all grass, and every herb in the earth.
9. And animacule in the water evolved fins, tails, claws, and scales; and in the air wings and beaks; and on the land they sprouted such organs as were necessary as played upon by the environment.
10. And by accretion and absorption came the radiata and mollusca; and mollusca begat articulata, and articulata begat vertebrata.
11. Now these are the generations of the higher vertebrata, in the cosmic period that the Unknowable evoluted the bipedal mammalia.
12. And every man of the earth, while he was yet a monkey, and the horse while he was an hipparian, and the hipparian before he was an oredon.
13. Out of the ascidian came the amphibian, and begat the pentadactyle; and the pentadactyle, by inheritance and selection, produced the hylobate, from which are the simiadæ in all their tribes.
14. And out of the simiadæ the lemur prevailed above his fellows, and produced the platyrhine monkey.
15. And the platyrhine begat the catarrhine, and the catarrhine monkey begat the anthropoid ape, and the ape begat the longimanous orang, and the orang begat the chimpanzee, and the chimpanzee evoluted the what-is-it.
16. And the what-is-it went into the land of Nod, and took him a wife of the longimanus gibbons.
17. And in process of the cosmic period were born unto them and their children the anthropomorphic primordial types.
18. The homunculus, the prognathus, the troglodyte, the autochthon, the terragene—these are the generations of primeval man.
19. And primeval man was naked and not ashamed, but lived in quadrumanous innocence, and struggled mightily to harmonise with the environment.
20. And by inheritance and natural selection did he progress from the stable and homogeneous to the complex and heterogeneous—for the weakest died, and the strongest grew and multiplied.
21. And man grew a thumb for that he had need of it, and developed capacities for prey.
22. For, behold, the swiftest men caught the most animals, and the swiftest animals got away from the most men: wherefore the slow animals were eaten and the slow men starved to death.
23. And as types were differentiated the weaker types continually disappeared.
24. And the earth was filled with violence; for man strove with man, and tribe with tribe, whereby they killed off the weak and foolish, and secured the survival of the fittest.
From The Church Times, February 1875.
Two other poems on the scientific theory of evolution remain to be quoted, although neither can strictly be termed a parody. The first, written by Charles Neaves (afterwards Lord Neaves) appeared originally in Blackwood’s Magazine, it was afterwards reprinted in “Songs and Verses, by an old contributor to Maga.” Edinburgh. W. Blackwood & Sons.
The Origin of Species.
Have you heard of this question the Doctors among,
Whether all living things from a Monad have sprung?
This has lately been said, and it now shall be sung,
Which nobody can deny.
Not one or two ages sufficed for the feat,
It required a few millions the change to complete,
But now the thing’s done, why it looks rather neat,
Which nobody can deny.
The original Monad, our great-great-grandsire,
To little or nothing at first did aspire;
But at last to have offspring it took a desire,
Which nobody can deny.
This Monad becoming a father or mother,
By budding, or bursting produced such another;
And shortly there followed a sister or brother,
Which nobody can deny.
Excrescences fast were now trying to shoot;
Some put out a finger, some put out a foot,
Some set up a mouth, and some sent down a root,
Which nobody can deny.
Some, wishing to walk, manufactured a limb;
Some rigged out a fin, with a purpose to swim;
Some opened an eye, which remained dark and dim.
Which nobody can deny.
Some creatures grew bulky, while others were small,
As nature sent food for the few, or for all;
And the weakest, we know, ever go to the wall,
Which nobody can deny.
An Ape with a pliable thumb and big brain,
When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain,
As a Lord of Creation established his reign,
Which nobody can deny.
* * * * *
The second, by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins, appeared in “The British Birds, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” London, 1872. A work which is now very scarce.
The Positivists.
Life and the Universe show spontaneity:
Down with ridiculous notions of Deity!
Churches and creeds are all lost in the mists,
Truth must be sought with the Positivists.
Wise are their teachers beyond all comparison,
Comte, Huxley, Tyndall, Mill, Morley, and Harrison:
Who will adventure to enter the lists
With such a squadron of Positivists.
Social arrangements are awful miscarriages;
Cause of all crime is our system of marriages.
Poets with sonnets and lovers with trysts
Kindle the ire of the Positivists.
Husbands and wives should be all one community,
Exquisite freedom with absolute unity.
Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists—
Such is the creed of the Positivists.
There was an Ape in the days that were earlier;
Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier;
Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist—
Then he was Man, and a Positivist.
If you are pious (mild form of insanity),
Bow down and worship the mass of Humanity.
Other religions are buried in mists—
We’re our own gods, say the Positivists.
An American View of Bicycling.
“And in these days the young man of the city is possessed of a demon, and he taketh it upon him to learn to ride the bicycle. And he goeth unto them that teach the instrument; and he sayeth unto them, Lo, now, teach me this thing, at one half a trade shekel the hour. And they make answer and say unto him, Behold now; here is the machine; and here art thou. Get on it, therefore and ride; for all things are possible to him that hath nerve.
And he taggeth after that machine for the next six weeks; yea, even until both his knees are like unto works of decorative art for colourful picturesqueness; and he frescoeth his entire person in black and blue, and he smasheth the machine variously and expensively; and in the fulness of time he learneth to mount and ride, and becometh an alleged proficient in the art.
And then, being puffed up with vanity, and being made mad with an injudicious ambition, he saith unto himself: Lo, now, I will try this thing upon the road. And he getteth permission to pay the hire of a machine, and to take the same up the avenue which is called fifth, to the northward of the hill which is called the Hill of Nobs; because of the exceedingly great number of nobs which dwell thereabouts.
And being mounted, he passeth out of the gates of the city, and journeyeth towards the suburbs, being at times in the saddle, and at other times for variety’s sake (which is, as was spoken by the prophets, as a spice unto life), upon his head.
And it shall come to pass that he meeteth casual maidens, who shall smile upon him, and make glad his heart within him. And, for that man is foolish and mankind is indiscreet, he shall put on the frills of vanity, and ride in the curves of conceit, and take no heed.
And in the end there shall come that way a school of young maidens, who shall say each one unto the other: Behold him upon the bicycle; and behold the young man upon two wheels. Is he not comely; and is he not fair to see among the young men of Israel? And moreover shall it come to pass that the young man shall be tempted of the evil one, and shall undertake to turn on the outer edge, and to put his legs over the handle, and shall generally be so previous and preliminary that presently the young students of Bellevue Hospital shall cobble him after their own will and fashion.
And when he shall have recovered as much as he ever shall, that young man will give his bycycle unto his bitterest enemy, whom he hateth with a hate unspeakable, saying: Let this be for a peace-offering from me to thee; and let there be no more strife between us.
For is there not peace in the grave; and shall war be waged against them that are utterly smashed up.”
Puck. United States. 1880.
A Publican’s Card.
The Church of England Temperance Chronicle says:—A card has reached us, bearing on one side the inscription—
Harry Hill, Market Hall Vaults,
Shambles, Worcester.
On the reverse the following parody is printed:—
Harry Hill’s
Instructions to his Disciples.
1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for in my house they shall be gladdened with the best of spirits.
2. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted in my house.
3. Blessed are the meek, for my beer and liquor shall embolden them.
4. Blessed are the weak and weary, for my drink shall strengthen them.
5. Blessed are the mirthful and gay, for theirs is the kingdom of Harry Hill’s.
6. Dost thou hunger? In my house shall thy belly be made glad.
7. Dost thou thirst? Enter into my vineyard.
8. I am the son of my father, and mine are the juices that shall restore them.
9. Thou shalt not steal, for my shekels are my own.
10. Thou shalt honour me, for I am the Father of the Feast.
11. Thou shalt not be rude to my pretty girls, for Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
12. Thou shalt not kiss them, if they say thee nay, for, red lips, like red roses, are sweetest on the bush.
13. Thou shalt not embrace them against their will, for caresses, like good wine, should not go to waist.
14. Thou shalt not bellow in my house like the bull of Bashan, but rather whisper like the sucking dove.
15. Thou shalt not damage my household goods, for it shall cost thee dear.
16. If thou art good, from my bar thou shalt not be debarred.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to pass counterfeit coin upon me, for then will the owner of my counter “fit” thee.
18. My good cheer will not settle on thy stomach if thou dost not settle with me.
A Parody by Mr. Ruskin on Usury.
The author of a book entitled “Usury and the English Bishops” (by R. G. Sillar, with an introduction by Professor Ruskin. A. Southey, 146, Fenchurch-street, London), dedicates it, “without permission,” to the Bishops of Manchester, Peterborough, and Rochester. Mr. Ruskin, in an introduction, endorses in the following language the opinions expressed:—
I rejoice to see my old friend Mr. Sillar gathering finally together the evidence he has so industriously collected on the guilt of Usury, and supporting it by the always impressive language of symbolical art; for indeed I had myself no idea, till I read the connected statement which these pictures illustrate, how steadily the system of money-lending had gained on the nation, and how fatally every hand and foot was now entangled by it.
“I place,” says Mr. Ruskin, “side by side the ancient and modern versions of the seven verses of the New Testament which were the beginning, and are indeed the heads, of all the teachings of Christ:—”
| Ancient. | Modern. |
| Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. | Blessed are the rich in flesh, for theirs is the kingdom of earth. |
| Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. | Blessed are they that are merry and laugh the last. |
| Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. | Blessed are the proud, in that they have inherited the earth. |
| Blessed are they which do hunger for righteousness, for they shall be filled. | Blessed are they which hunger for unrighteousness, in that they shall divide its mammon. |
| Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. | Blessed are the merciless, for they shall obtain money. |
| Blessed are the poor in heart, for they shall see God. | Blessed are the foul in heart, for they shall see no God. |
| Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. | Blessed are the war makers, for they shall be adored by the children of men. |
The Pall Mall Gazette. March, 1885.
The three following examples of Scripture knowledge are said to have been written by Metropolitan School Board pupils in answer to questions put to them by Government Inspectors. “Who was Moses?—He was an Egypsian. He lived in a hark maid of bullrushers, and he kept a golden carf and worshipt braizen snakes and het nothin but qwhales and manner for forty years. He was kort up by the air of his ed while ridin under a bow of a tree and lie was killed by his son Abslon as he was hanging from the bow. His end was peace.”
“What do you know of the patriarch Abraham?—He was the father of Lot and had tew wifes. Wun was called Hismale and tother Haygur. He kep wun at home and he hurried the tother into the dessert where she became a pillow of salt in the daytime and a pillow of fire at nite.”
“Write an account of the good Samaritan.—A certing man went down from jerslam to jerriker and he feld among thawns and the thawns spranged up and choaked him; wareupon he gave tuppins to the hoast and said take care on him and put him on his hone hass. And he passt bye on the hother side.”
——:o:——
In addition to the parodies already quoted, Hone, in his defence, also mentioned the following:—
A Genuine Collection of the several Pieces of Political Intelligence Extraordinary, Epigrams, &c., that have appeared before the Public in Detached Pieces, now carefully selected together in one View by An Impartial Hand. Printed for Thomas Butcher, Newgate Street, London, 1766. This curious and very scarce collection contains several parodies, amongst them A Political Litany, of no great merit, and The Political Creed for 1766, which was given on [p. 299].
Book of the Wars of Westminster, from the fall of the Fox at the close of 1783 to 1784, on which William the Conqueror celebrated the Third Grand Lent Festival at the London. An Oriental Prophecy. Printed for Ishmael the son of Elishama. 1783.
The Chronicle of the Kingdom of the Cassiterides, under the reign of the House of Lunen. A Fragment translated from an Ancient Manuscript. London: G. Wilkie, 1783.
This describes the tremendous siege of Gibraltar by the French and Spaniards, and the political questions of the day, in Scriptural phraseology.
The Oriental Chronicles of the Times: being the Translation of a Chinese manuscript; with Notes supposed to have been originally written in the spirit of Prophecy, by Confucius the Sage. Dedicated to her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. London. J. Debrett, Piccadilly.
This describes, in Biblical language, the triumph of Charles James Fox, in the great contested Election at Westminster in 1784.
The Plague of Westminster, or an order for the visitation of a sick Parliament, 1647—Harleian Miscellany.
Père la Chaise, Parody of the Catechism.
Fair Circassian, by the Rev. Mr. Croxal, a parody of the Canticles.
British Freeholder’s Political Creed.
Humorous Magazine. Te Deum.
The Oracle in 1807. The Lord’s prayer parodied.
Recruiting Bill. “Royal Volunteers, now is the time to obtain honour and glory. Wanted, immediately to serve Jehovah, who will reward them according to their zeal and ability, a vast number of people of all descriptions, who will on joining the Commanding Officer, receive new clothes, proper accoutrements, and everything necessary for their appearance at the New Jerusalem.”
——:o:——
In The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1809 (Vol. XIII., London, J. Ridgway), there is a scriptural imitation, styled A Tale of other Times. This originally appeared in the “Morning Post.” It was an endeavour to apologise for the conduct of the Duke of York, who had been compelled, by public opinion, to resign the office of Commander-in-Chief, owing to the exposure of a wholesale traffic in army commissions, carried on by his mistress, Mrs. Clarke. The parody represents the Duke as more of a fool than a knave; it has, however, never yet been settled whether folly or knavery preponderated in his disposition. These qualities appear to have been pretty equally balanced, and this parody does not decide the question.
In Vol. 16 of the same collection, for 1812, there is an imitation, called Book of Chronicles, it is political, and devoted to the abuse of Charles James Fox, and his adherents.
The Seven Chapters of the First Book of Things; being a Concise and Impartial account of the Birmingham Riots. By Levi Ben Mordecai. This imitation of biblical phraseology occurs in a little work entitled “Poems, by the late Mr. Stephen Chatterton, of Willenhall.” London, printed for the Author’s Widow. 1795.
It relates entirely to the politics of the day, and commences with a description of the capture of the Bastille, in Paris.
The First Book of Napoleon, the Tyrant of the Earth, written in 5813 A.M., and 1809 A.D., by Eliakim the Scribe. 1809.
The Morning Herald (London), May 4, 1812, contained a scriptural parody ridiculing Lord Grenville.
Chronicles of Coxheath Camp. A satire on General Keppel, who commanded at Coxheath. By Francis Grose F.R.S. This is in scriptural form, and appeared in The Olio, 1792. It was referred to by William Hone, in his trials, but is not worth reprinting.
The Chronicles of Westminster. This scriptural imitation will be found in the well-known quarto collection, The History of the Westminster Election.
The Court of Session Garland. Edited by James Maidment Esq. London, Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. This curious collection of Ballads, Parodies and Epigrams, mostly written by members of the Scottish legal profession, contains several pieces written in scriptural style. The longest, entitled, The Book of the Chronicles of the City, relates to a contested election in Edinburgh; another is A Chapter from the Book of Kings, which was found in Mr. Hume’s Collection. Another called Book of Proclamations was written in 1837.
These imitations are long, and of little present interest, except perhaps to a few old residents of Edinburgh.
The Book of Benjamin. Appointed to be read by the Electors of England. London, Charles Watts, 1879. This consists of ten chapters, describing in biblical language, the acts of Benjamin D’Israeli, from a Liberal standpoint.
The Second Book of Benjamin. A record of things past, present, and to come. London, Charles Watts, 1879. A continuation of the above.
The Fall of Benjamin. By Alfred Capel Shaw, author of the two foregoing pamphlets. London, Watts and Co., 1880. This is the last of the trio, and concludes thus:—
“And all the land knew that Benjamin had fallen, and that he was driven forth into the wilderness. And, behold, Gladstone the Liberal ruled in his stead.”
The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin.—New York, Sinclair Tousey. In two books. No date, but since 1863. This is a most remarkable account of the Great American Civil War, in scriptural language, the names of persons and places being ingeniously spelt so as to give them a Biblical appearance. It is arranged in chapters and verses.
The Awful and Ethical Allegory of Deuteronomy Smith; or, the Life-history of a Medical Student. Anonymous. Edinburgh, George Dryden, 1882. This describes, in biblical style, the adventures of a rather racketty young medical student in Edinburgh.
The Secularists’ Manual of Songs and Ceremonies, Edited by Austin Holyoake. London, Austin & Co. About 1871. This contains a series of services for Freethinkers, suitable for Weddings, Christenings (or naming children) and for Funerals.
The New Book of Kings, by J. Morrison Davidson. Manchester. John Heywood. This is not written, as its name would suggest, in imitation of the Scriptures. It is an exceedingly outspoken history of the inner life and misdeeds of the Kings and Queens of England.
The Freethinker, edited by G. W. Foote, and published weekly at Stonecutter Street, London, contains many imitations of Biblical and Liturgical matters, which are too profane to be quoted, such as the following,
Comic Bible Sketches, reprinted from “The Freethinker,” edited by G. W. Foote. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street, 1885.
Jonah’s Excursion to Nineveh. By G. W. Foote, with illustrations by Paul Bellevue. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street. 1885. Price Twopence.
La Bible Amusante pour les Grands et les Petits Enfants. Texte par Léo Taxil, Dessins par Frid’rick. Paris. Librairie Anti-Cléricale, Rue des Ecoles. This was published in weekly parts, at 50 centimes each. The illustrations were very humorous, but exceedingly profane.
——:o:——
Jocularity in the pulpit has been often reproved as unseemly, yet it is still largely indulged in by a certain class of ministers. Punch in the Pulpit, by Philip Cater (London: W. Freeman, 1863), gives some amusing examples of this curious kind of devotion.
On [p. 108] a burlesque sermon founded on the Nursery Rhyme of Old Mother Hubbard was given, a similar production is sold by a printer named Tresize, in Beech Street, Barbican. It is styled A Yankee Sermon, and is founded on the text “For they shall knaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth, and the wang-foodle mourneth for his first born.”
During his trials, Mr. Hone made several references to the following song, as showing that reverend and serious writers could jest about religious topics, without any intention to be profane. It was taken from the Reverend Mark Noble’s continuation of the Rev. Mr. Granger’s Biographical History of England, and showed that it was never apprehended by the most pious men, that a casual association of ludicrous images with matters of the Christian religion tended to weaken the respect due to that faith. Mr. Noble, in his work, quoted this song respecting Dr. Burnett, the author of The Theory of the Earth, and Master of the Charter-House:—
A Dean and prebendary
Had once a new vagary;
And were at doleful strife, sir,
Who led the better life, sir,
And was the better man,
And was the better man.
The dean he said, that truly,
Since Bluff was so unruly,
He’d prove it to his face, sir,
That he had the most grace, sir;
And so the fight began,
And so the fight began.
When Preb. replied like thunder,
And roars out, ’twas no wonder,
Since gods the dean had three, sir,
And more by two than he, sir,
For he had got but one,
For he had got but one.
Now while these two were raging,
And in dispute engaging,
The Master of the Charter,
Said both had caught a tartar;
For gods, sir, there were none,
For gods, sir, there were none.
That all the books of Moses
Were nothing but supposes;
That he deserv’d rebuke, sir,
Who wrote the Pentateuch, sir;
’Twas nothing but a sham,
’Twas nothing but a sham.
That as for father Adam,
With Mrs. Eve, his madam,
And what the serpent spoke, sir,
’Twas nothing but a joke, sir,
And well-invented flam,
And well-invented flam.
Thus, in this battle royal,
As none would take denial,
The dame for whom they strove, sir,
Could neither of them love, sir,
Since all had given offence,
Since all had given offence.
She therefore, slily waiting,
Left all three fools a-prating;
And being in a fright, sir,
Religion took her flight, sir,
And ne’er was heard of since,
And ne’er was heard of since.
——:o:——
FRAGMENTS OF HYMNS.
Divine Songs of the Muggletonians, in Grateful Praise to the only True God, the Lord Jesus Christ, 1829.
This is a most extraordinary collection of balderdash to call Divine Songs; sung to such tunes as God save the Queen, Hearts of Oak, De’el take the Wars, etc. The following is from Hymn No. 127, sung to the tune of
“Ye Gentlemen of England”
“You faithful Muggletonians who truly do believe
The Doctrine of Muggleton to be the same as Reeve;
Let no wise anti-followers infuse into your ear,
That a Prayer, Christ does hear, from us mortals here below.”
A Drug in the Market; being some of the Songs of Zion that are not Wanted, written by Jacobus.
The Salvation Navy.
The Salvation Army was sure not to exist long without an imitator, and we are, therefore, not surprised to hear of a Salvation Navy, under the direction of a person calling himself Admiral Tug. Admiral Tug has learnt the trick from General Booth of treating the most sacred things with blasphemous familiarity, and he has summoned his supporters with the following imitation of the Arethusa sea-song:—
“ON BOARD OF THE ’ALLELUJAH!”
Come all you sinners, young and old,
With ’earts once cast in ’Eaven’s mould,
And join our Ker-istian Navy bold—
On board of the ’Allelujah!
We’re bound to floor the forts of Sin,
And the Devil himself will soon cave in,
Then join the side that is sure to win—
On board of the ’Allelujah!
Punch, August 26, 1882.
A Strange Paraphrase.
The following lines were found written in the clerk’s book, at a church in Birmingham, some sixty years ago. The said clerk every Sunday afternoon gave out the same hymn:—
Come let us join our cheerful songs,
As we have often done;
Though we’ve variety of choice,
Our song is always one.
Worthy the clerk, the people cry,
Who our devotion leads;
Worthy the people, he’ll reply,
Who thus approve my deeds.
Let those who in the gallery sit,
And placed above the rest,
Join with their brethren in the pit,
And vie in singing best.
The congregation join in one,
To think the clerk to blame,
That every Sunday afternoon,
We’re bound to sing the same.
The British Lion’s Prey.
In the hymn sung at the christening of Baby Battenberg was the following stanza:—
Never from thy pastures roving,
Let him be the lion’s prey;
Let Thy tenderness so loving,
Keep him all life’s dangerous way.
On returning from the chapel her Majesty, with the Royal Family, received the ladies and gentlemen in the Green Drawing Room, where refreshments were served, and her Majesty gave the health of Prince Leopold of Battenberg.—Court Circular.
Well, yes; we hope young Leopold
May still keep well and skittish;
But is that beast of prey tabooed,
The lion that’s called British?
’Tis nice for Baby Battenberg
To learn these songs of Zion;
Still, what would Papa B. have done
Without the British Lion?
The eagle is a noble bird
That spreads its wings out yonder;
But doesn’t find it “dangerous,”
In lions’ dens to wander.
So, drinking Queen Victoria’s Toast,
We’ve still our chance between a
Good golden-plated Scottish Fife
And a German concertina!
August, 1889.
God Save the Queen.
God bless our gracious Queen!
Since we have got a Queen;
God save our Queen!
Her form we seldom see,
But, loyal subjects, we
Take things so easily,
And bless our Queen.
Oft at her southern seat,
Or else her Scotch retreat,
She hides away;
She never comes to town;
She lives on past renown;
Minds, never wears, the crown,
But draws her pay.
Soon may we hope to see
Her Gracious Majesty,
No absent Queen;
Then shall we have good cause
To open wide our jaws,
And sing with hearty voice,
God save our Queen!
W. H. Edmunds.
The Weekly Dispatch. July 10, 1881.
The following has been suggested as an additional stanza to the National Anthem:—
Grandchildren not a few,
With great-grandchildren, too,
She blest has been.
We’ve been their sureties,
Paid them gratuities,
Pensions, annuities.
God save the Queen!
Of purely Political parodies the number is so great, that any attempt at printing a complete collection is out of the question. At the most, mention can only be made, and brief extracts given from a few of the best examples. The King’s (or Queen’s) speeches to Parliament, on the opening and closing days, have been the subject of parodies for very many years.
One of the earliest, and certainly the most famous of these was an anonymous pamphlet published in 1778, entitled “Anticipation: Containing the substance of His Majesty’s Most Gracious Speech to both Houses of Parliament on the Opening of the approaching Session, together with a full and authentic account of the Debate which will take place in the House of Commons, on the motion for the Address, and the Amendment, with Notes.” (First published three Days before the Opening of the Session.) London: T. Beckett, 1778.
The address and the Debate occupy 74 pages octavo, and were no doubt highly entertaining at the time, as the characteristics and oddities of the various speakers who were satirised were then familiar, but have long since been forgotten.
The principal topic in the debate was the unfavourable issue of the War with the United States of America.
This clever pamphlet (which ran through several editions) was written by Richard Tickell, who died in 1793.
Coming to more modern times Figaro in London, a satirical paper which flourished in the “thirties,” had numerous parodies of Parliamentary Speeches, making fun of William IV, his wife, and his Ministers. These were generally illustrated by Seymour, who delighted to represent William as a silly old man, with a silly old face, and his wife as a scraggy virago, keeping the King very much under control.
The King’s Speech.
The annual period of humbug is at length come round again, and the time has arrived for the King to put his name to the rubbish which is drawn up for him by his Ministers.
Of course, we are, so far as any public sources of information are concerned, wholly ignorant of the subject of this precious bit of ministerial eloquence that is to close the first Session of our first Reformed Parliament, but our private channels are so numerous, that it is impossible for the Government to prevent the secrets of the Cabinet from coming into the cognizance of Figaro.
The following is a slight sketch of the document alluded to:—
My Lords and Gentlemen,
“I have to thank you for the very able manner in which you have contrived to humbug my people for the last seven months. I hope you will act in the same consistent manner next Session, for the dignity of your Lordship’s house, the protection of the Constitution, and the welfare of Great Britain.
Gentlemen of the House of Commons,
You have my most sincere thanks for the singular tact with which you have contrived to debate every night till a late hour, and have yet managed to do nothing at all but pass the Coercive Bill for Ireland.
By a continuance in the same course, you will, I am sure, contribute to the stability of my Ministry, and to filling the Parliamentary columns of the newspapers.
I cannot help expressing my admiration of the wonderful talent you have displayed in sitting under the name of a Reformed Parliament, and yet acting precisely in the same spirit as all preceding ones.
My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons.
I am very happy to say, that my foreign relations are all as eager as ever to keep up the profession without the practice of liberality; and that Pedro is likely to be as great a scoundrel as his brother Miguel.
I hope, my Lords and Gentlemen, that when you meet next session, you will be as talkative as you have been during that which has just come to a close; and, that you will not think of business till my faithful ministers have a plea for saying it is too late to do any.
As for the supplies, I thank you for them, from the bottom of my heart, for I accept them as a strong mark of your attachment and loyalty.
My good people call for retrenchment, and I trust you will give your attention to the underlings of all offices, as you have done before, for a person who has little is better qualified to do without anything, than one who has been accustomed to a superfluity.
I am convinced your sense of honour will teach you to respect the great receivers of the public pay, while the little ones, being more numerous, will afford a wider display for and more room for the practise of your retrenching abilities.”
Figaro in London. August 31, 1833.
The Queen’s Speech.
Mr. Disraeli’s valet having abstracted from his master’s pocket a rough copy of the Royal Speech, transmitted it to us, we hasten to present the document to our readers.
My Lords and Gentlemen—
“The session now terminated, although not productive of any very striking measures, save that of creating me an Empress, has, nevertheless, proved highly advantageous to the country. My Government has been much occupied with undoing those acts of their predecessors which were considered as essentially beneficial to my subjects. I trust that these efforts will tend, under Providence, to the maintenance of the Tories in office, and to my own and my children’s benefit.
We must all deeply regret that civil war has broken out in the empire of my old and attached ally, the Turk. It appears he has been compelled to bayonet a number of babies, violate numerous maidens, and outrage a multitude of married women. But as my Prime Minister assures me these are the ordinary occurrences of civil warfare, we need trouble ourselves no further on the subject.
My trusty cousin the Duke of Cambridge having, through instituting the late military manœuvres for the mobilization of my army, revealed to the nation his own utter imbecility and that of the department over which he presides, I have thought fit to recognise such distinguished services by bestowing on him the colonelcy of the 17th Lancers, worth £1,300 per annum.
As the march of my third son, the Duke of Connaught, from Liverpool to Edinburgh, is universally recognised as one of the greatest military achievements of the age, and surrounded with danger, the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury will prepare a special form of thanksgiving to Providence for the happy issue of this stupendous exploit.
The navy is conspicuous, as heretofore, for its thorough efficiency. My relative, the Prince of Leiningen, has not yet had an opportunity of distinguishing himself on the Solent, but, doubtless, before the season closes, he will again display that nautical skill for which he has rendered himself so famous. My second son Alfred, has been appointed to the Sultan, which ship has hitherto been quietly at anchor in Besika Bay. Should the opportunity present itself, I feel assured that he will duly qualify himself for the post of Lord High Admiral by running the Sultan ashore,[350] sinking a consort, or some equally meritorious service. My First Lord of the Admiralty has, however, fully maintained the great credit he obtained for his management of the navy, through the destruction of the Vanguard and the Mistletoe, by the recent explosion on board the Thunderer, and the slaughter of forty men; thus, at one and the same time, giving an impetus to the engineering and undertaking trades, and proving, beyond question, the perfect ability of my navy—to destroy itself.
The financial condition of the country is, I rejoice to state, in most respects satisfactory. You have managed to increase the national income by imposing two millions of taxation on my subjects, doubtless a very proper proceeding; but, at the same time, I must remind you that mine has not been increased. I am, moreover, gratified in being able to announce that owing to Sir Bartle Frere’s economical management of the grant allowed to my eldest son for the purposes of his religious mission to India, a threepenny-piece out of the sum will be returned to the Treasury. Many distinguished foreigners have come to England of late, and after having been entertained at their own expense, and visited the Mausoleum, doubtless left the country duly impressed with the magnificent hospitality of its Court.
My lords and gentlemen, in dismissing you to the pleasures of grouse shooting, after a laborious session, which, in the course of five months has managed to undo much of the good that it took years to effect, I trust that Providence will further your future efforts in the same praiseworthy direction.”
From Reynolds’ Newspaper. August, 1876.
In 1884, Truth offered a prize for the nearest forecast of the speech to be delivered on the opening of Parliament, and many replies were published, amongst which the following was, perhaps, the most amusing, although not written in accordance with the regulations of the competition:—
[Enter Councillors, thirsting for information as to the future programme of the Powers-that-be.]
My Lords, and Gentlemen of the House of Commons,
I have purposely summoned you late
Till I’d settled some matters of weight,
Now, I’ve called you together
To talk of the weather
And other great matters of State.
I’m pacific, as all must confess,
On the blessings of peace I lay stress,
I’m on friendly relations
With all other nations,
(Sotto voce) What matters a war more or less?
Gentlemen of the House of Commons,
There’re a few “little Bills” to be met—
Their nature just now I forget—
On the eve of Vacation
They’ll make a sensation,
You’ll hardly hear much of them yet.
My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons,
Notwithstanding “hard times” I am told
“Penny buns” still for pennies are sold.
Thus food is abundant,
And copper’s redundant,
And “coppers,” if saved, become gold.
I feel a remark should be made
On the singular absence of shade,
For the “glass” at “set fine”
Is an excellent sign
Of a rapid revival in trade.
Your labours are heavy and pressing,
I trust you won’t find them distressing,
Avoid long debates,
Pass what William dictates,
And accept, please—per proxy—my blessing.
[Exeunt Councillors of the Lower House, grateful for the information thus generously bestowed.]
Wear-Gifford.
Truth, February 7, 1884.
Several parodies of King’s and Queen’s speeches will also be found in The Court of Session Garland. London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. These relate principally to Scotch affairs.
A Queen’s Speech from the Palace of Truth.
My Lords and Gentlemen:—
I’m glad, in meeting you to-day,
To tell you things are going on in much the usual way,
Thanks to my Ministers’ old plan of toadying Powers they fear,
And sitting humbly down beneath snubs open and severe;
Thanks, also, to the patent fact that ’tis Prince Bismarck’s will
This country with all neighbouring lands at peace continues still;
Though ’tis but right this further fact I should to you confide,
We may be any day at war, should Bismarck so decide.
In Burma, since I met you last, more natives have been slain,
And rebel tribes, four times subdued, have been subdued again;
In India, ’spite the silly things by my advisers done,
A Chinese War, most strange to say, has not yet been begun;
Nor have the many efforts made the Llamas to excite
Availed to make the Thibetans once more my soldiers fight;
Whilst recent news from Suakin enable me to say
That Osman Digna will not need re-killing till next May.
As to the various Colonies which form our Empire great,
They still remain beneath my sway, most curious to relate;
For though my Ministers with much post-prandial declamation
Are very prone to talk about “Imperial Federation,”
They have not lost a chance of late to snub, insult, and slight
Those Colonies which they declare they’re anxious to unite.
So far, however, I repeat, their efforts have proved vain,—
An undivided Empire still is that o’er which I reign.
Even in Ireland, tyranny too terrible to tell
Has failed to goad my subjects ’gainst their tyrants to rebel;
And, though their trusted leaders have been sent by scores to prison,
Such is their loyalty and sense, the Irish have not risen.
Gentlemen of the Commons:—
You, without surprise, will note
That certain Estimates you will be duly asked to vote.
From saying, though, that they’ve been framed with a sincere regard
For thrift and for economy, I am, perforce, debarred;
For it is certain they’ve been framed upon a lavish scale,
That Tory candidates may still at Dockyard towns prevail;
That Ministers may, in effect, still foster with a bribe
Their infamous alliance with St. Jingo’s yelling tribe;
And that, in short, they may thereby their spell of power prolong,
And with Corruption’s aid eke out their wretched reign of wrong.
My Lords and Gentlemen:—
You may be called on to debate
Many important Bills of which the names I cannot state;
Since, owing to the absence of Lord Hartington from town,
It would, of course, be premature to put their titles down.
They must, of course, though, just to help the Marquis play his part,
Pretend that they the people’s good have very much at heart,
And so they may, with his assent, prepare a Bill or two,
Which they, however, will take care that neither House pass through.
Go then, My Lords and Gentlemen, go, and remember, pray,
That the chief end and aim why you are summoned here to-day
Is that you may vote fresh “Supplies,” by which, if well expended,
My Ministers’ sweet spell of power may further be extended,
And thus put off, for one more year, that reckoning with the nation,
Which Tories and D.L.’s await with such grim trepidation.
Truth. February 21, 1889.
——:o:——
An answer to the Proclamation calling out the Reserve Forces was
Punch’s Proclamation.
PUNCHIUS, R.
Whereas, by the Reserve (Moral) Force Acts of no particular date, but of general recognition and universal application, it is, amongst other things, provided that, in case of imminent national danger and emergency, the Reserve Forces of Prudence, Patience, Patriotism, Justice, Magnanimity, Wise Forethought, and Rational Self-Restraint, ordinarily latent in the breasts of the sober, sagacious, and, for the most part, silent portion of the community, may authoritatively be called out on active public service.
And whereas the present state of public affairs and public opinion, and the necessity in connection therewith of taking steps for the maintenance of peace, and for the protection of real interests, honour, and fair fame of the Empire, and, especially, of checking the insurgent forces of Pride, Passion, Prejudice, and spurious (if well-intended) Patriotism, now and for some time past deplorably and mischievously rampant, in our opinion, constitute a case of great emergency within the meaning of the said Acts:
Now, therefore, We do, in pursuance of the said Acts and of our earnest endeavour for the furtherance of the Public Weal, hereby direct that forthwith all classes of the Reserve Forces above specified be called out on permanent service, and shall henceforth proceed to and attend in their places (in Parliament or otherwise), and at such time or times as may be needful, to serve as part of Our Army of Moral Militancy until their services are no longer required.
Given at our Court in Fleet-street this tenth day of April, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and seventy-eight, and the thirty seventh of our reign.
Vivat Punchius!
Punch, April 1878.
“ADS.” OF THE FUTURE.
TO BE LET for Public Meetings, Regimental Dinners, Balls, Fancy Fairs, and other purposes for which a large and handsome room is desirable, all that eligible and highly decorated Apartment commonly known as the “Gilded Chamber,” with a quantity of carved Benches, covered with scarlet morocco leather, which could easily be adapted for use as rout seats. Also a commodious Anteroom, suitable for a cloak-room or refreshment buffet, hitherto used as “The Peers’ Robing Room.” For terms, apply to Lord Redesdale, on the premises.
TO SPEAKERS OF LOCAL PARLIAMENTS, COLLECTORS OF HISTORICAL RELICS, ANTIQUARIANS, &c.—To be Sold by Private Contract, “The Woolsack,” occupied up to the date of the Disestablishment of the House of Lords by the Lord Chancellor. This interesting Constitutional object is in excellent repair, and will be sold with a warranty of its genuineness. It is stuffed with the finest white wool, and covered with crimson repp of the best quality, and being positively unique, is well worthy the attention of purchasers.
MR. and MRS. SOLOMON HARTT having been favoured with the patronage of a large number of the most distinguished members of the late House of Lords, beg to inform the public that they have on hand for immediate disposal a large assortment of A1 State Robes, trimmed with ermine, including many quite equal to new. Also a large selection of silver-gilt, electro-plate, and nickel silver Coronets, ducal, early, baronial, &c., &c. Mr. and Mrs. S. H. invite special attention to this unprecedented opportunity for obtaining the above articles at the most moderate figures. Robes altered to fit intending purchasers, without extra charge. N.B.—Several of the Coronets have never been worn in public. An early inspection is solicited, as Mr. and Mrs. S. H. have received an order from the King of Bungoo-Wungoo for a set of uniforms for his newly-formed body-guard.
MESSRS. KNOCKIT and SELLEM beg to announce that their next Tuesday’s Sale will include two Swords of State, seven State Cocked Hats, four ditto Crimson Robes, one Silver Mace, one Black Rod (tipped with silver), one carved Oak Throne, twenty-seven Suits of Official Livery, various, and numerous other miscellaneous articles, formerly the property of the House of Lords, which have been consigned for Unreserved Sale. Catalogues on application.
Funny Folks, August 2, 1884.
——:o:——
Lord Carnarvon had an interview with Mr. Parnell in Dublin, when they discussed the question of Home Rule for Ireland. The Conservative press denied that the interview had any serious political meaning, or that Lord Carnarvon had any authority to treat with Mr. Parnell, for his parliamentary support.
LIMITED LIABILITY.
A Dialogue.
Scene.—Library in Lord Carnarvon’s house. Lord Carnarvon and Mr. Parnell “discovered.”
Lord C——: Delighted to see you Mr. Parnell. Lucky chance your happening to call on me! Quite an accident, of course?
Mr. P——, coldly: Lucky chance my having heard from your friend that your lordship wished to see me. Quite an accident, of course.
Lord C——, gloomily: Quite, quite; (brightening up) Mr. P——, we meet of course only to exchange the most casual and superficial ideas—merely as private gentlemen, and not representing anybody or anything?
Mr. P——: Quite so. Exactly.
Lord C——: But there is one thing that I may say officially and with authority. In my capacity as Viceroy of Ireland, and speaking with the sanction of the whole Cabinet on this particular subject, a subject on which I may say we are absolutely unanimous, I have to state that I do think the weather so far is disappointing and disagreeable.
Mr. P——, solemnly: Lord C——, I have no hesitation in saying, not only on my own behalf, but on that of the whole Irish Parliamentary party, and of the Irish people as well, that we, too, find the weather disappointing and disagreeable.
Lord C——: That’s all right. But now, Mr. P——, coming to unimportant matters, and speaking together as men absolutely free from any manner of responsibility, and, indeed, having no particular motive of any kind but that of whiling away a few minutes in pleasant gossip, do you think it would be a good thing if we—the Conservatives—were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland?
Mr. P——: Lord C——, I am now speaking entirely as a private, and I may say an isolated individual, having no knowledge of the views of any of my colleagues, and, indeed, assuming that they would be rather opposed to me than not in most things, and thus free from all responsibility, I venture to say that I, for myself, should not be displeased if you were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland.
Lord C——: Thanks; then again I should like to ask you, merely to gratify the idlest personal curiosity, and not having consulted or intending ever to consult any human being on the subject, whether you think that if I were to promise—just for the fun of the thing you know—to get such a measure introduced, you could promise—also of course for the mere fun of the thing—to give us your support at the coming elections?
Mr. P——: Well, of course, regarding the whole thing as a mere light-hearted piece of pleasantry, between two men notorious for their vivacity and levity, and neither of whom could be supposed to have any serious purpose of any kind, I may say perhaps that in such a case I could promise, just for the fun of the thing—as you happily put it—I could promise you some support at the coming elections.
Lord C——: Thanks very much. Now coming to serious subjects.—May I ask you Mr. P—— whether you, speaking officially as leader of the Irish people, are prepared to agree in an opinion which I have the authority of the whole Cabinet for expressing, that the present season in London is likely to be short and unsatisfactory?
Mr. P——: On such a question as this I speak with a profound sense of responsibility; but I have no hesitation in saying, as leader of the Irish Parliamentary party, on behalf of that party and of the whole people of Ireland, and likewise on behalf of the Irish Populations of America, Australia, Brazil, and Patagonia, that Ireland’s conviction is that the present season in London will be short and unsatisfactory.
They shake hands solemnly and part.
The Daily News, June 19, 1888.
Political Manifestoes.
Mr. Chamberlain’s Address.
Gentlemen.—The new Parliament is about to be dissolved under circumstances unparalleled in the history of this country. I am alive, and not one of the bosses of the show. At the 1885 election, Mr. Gladstone, extending his usual method, indicated four subjects of primary importance. Need I add that one of these, the one, was myself? Under these circumstances, it does not appear to have entered into the mind of any Liberal candidate that within a few weeks he would be invited to consider a vast revolution in the relations between me and the G. O. M.
The 1885 election was fought on the programme formulated by Mr. Gladstone, subject to my approval, and on collateral issues of purely domestic interest. Now, as I am only capable of understanding domestic and vestry matters, it will be readily understood that I disapprove of any dealing with large and statesmanlike questions beyond my comprehension. What the Liberal party in last November solemnly and seriously declared to be unsafe, the Prime Minister, egged on I do not doubt by that accursed Morley, has now deliberately undertaken. The authority of the Prime Minister has been sufficient to work this startling transformation, and mine, alas! insufficient to prevent it. The Irish Government Bill (i.e., Mr. Gladstone) would repeal the act of union between me and the G.O.M. It would also set up a rival Parliament in Dublin; and—you may believe one who has suffered much from a rival politician in London—this will be most unpleasant.
To desert me for Morley—me, whose only crime in the G.O.M.’s eyes is the peddling and board-of-guardians’ spirit in which I approach all questions—is an act of ingratitude and cowardice unworthy only of the Caucus.
So anxious am I, not particularly to stop Home Rule, but most particularly to teach the G.O.M. a severe lesson for preferring Morley to me, that I say nothing for the moment even against those landlords, my customary mark, who hold their land by exactly the same means and right as I hold my capital. Nor am I, under the circumstances, disinclined to coercion.
No one has recognised more strongly than myself the claims of party and the duty incumbent on all to sacrifice individual preferences to the necessity of united action, when it suits them. But I am so real riled at the way the G.O.M. and Morley have treated me that, in spite of all my ill-temper and mischief-making, I hope to retain the support, though I have lost the confidence, of those whose interests I have loyally endeavoured to serve, as long as they did not conflict with my own, and in whose midst my life as a capitalist has been spent, and my work of screw and caucus-making accomplished.
(Signed) J. Chamberlain.
The other manifestoes were less amusing, they parodied Sir Charles Dilke, Lord Randolph Churchill, and Mr. Gladstone.
The Topical Times, June 26, 1886.
——:o:——
Saunderson and Waring.
“When Gladstone gets his Home Rule Bill,”
Says Saunderson to Waring,
“Then you and I and Ballykill
Will show our martial daring;
Without delay, the very day
That down such gage he pitches,
We’ll fill our flasks from jars and casks,
And march to line the ditches.
With skill and might, and valor bright,
We’ll set the world a-staring.”
“We surely will,” says Ballykill;
“Of course we will,” says Waring.
“If in the fields the rebel rout
Will not confront our Lodges,
In street and lane we’ll find them out
Despite their craven dodges;
We’ll pot the rascals at their doors,
We’ll club the babes and spouses,
We’ll sack their shops, and wreck their stores,
And loot their public-houses.
And then ’twill be a joy to see
Our boys the plunder sharing—
The victor’s toil deserve the spoil.”
“Of course it does,” says Waring.
“If met by forces of the Crown
’Neath flags and banners royal,
We’ll simply shoot the traitors down
For conduct so disloyal;
We’ll feel a pang at every bang,
We’ll weep with every volley;
But theirs the blame, the sin, the shame,
The treason and the folly.
In smiting wrong we must be strong,
Unpitying and unsparing;”
“’Tis Heaven’s will,” says Ballykill.
“The will of heaven,” says Waring.
“Great chiefs will come from distant parts,
And foreign institutions,
To study all our Orange arts
And Purple evolutions;
And when our glorious fight is won,
They’ll all go home declaring
Earth holds no match for Saunderson,
And scarcely one for Waring!”
“They surely will,” says Ballykill,
“There’s no one worth comparing
With our great gun, brave Saunderson.”
“Well, hardly one,” says Waring.
T. D. Sullivan, M.P. in The Nation, August, 1889.
Colonel Saunderson, M.P., had asserted at a public meeting that, if Parliament should grant Home Rule to Ireland, 50,000 men of Ulster would immediately rise in rebellion against it, and fight to the last ditch. He did not, however, attempt to justify this statement when called upon to do so in the House of Commons.
——:o:——
For many years past Mr. Gladstone has been the “leading article” in the stock-in-trade of Caricaturists and Parodists. His personal appearance, his collars, his umbrella, his hobby for felling trees, his great learning, his immense vitality, and his mode of speaking, have all furnished topics for satires and lampoons.
It would be impossible to refer to anything like a proportion of these, but the following may be mentioned as typical examples.
The Morning Post (London), September 24, 1884, contained an unreported Midlothian Speech on Free Trade, supposed to have been delivered by Mr. Gladstone, but really written by Mr. Edward Sullivan.
The St. Stephen’s Review (London), October 29, 1887, contained a prospectus, of which the following is a brief abstract:—
THE HAWARDEN ESTATE BLOCK WOOD COMPANY, LIMITED.
Incorporated under the Companies Acts, 1862 to 1883, whereby the liability of the Shareholders is limited to the amount of their Shares.
Capital £100,000, in 100,000 Shares of £1 each.
Payable—5s. per share on Application, 5s. per share on Allotment, and the remainder One Month after Allotment
DIRECTORS.
The Earl of Rosebery, The Durdans, Epsom.
Lord Wolverton, 7, Stratton Street, Piccadilly, W.
Herbert Gladstone, Esq., M.P., Hawarden Castle.
The Rev. H. Drew, The Rectory, Hawarden.
*The Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone, Hawarden Castle (Chairman).
* Will join the Board after allotment.
Secretary—H. Drake Digby, Esq., National Liberal Club.
Temporary Offices—23, Albemarle Street, W.
ABRIDGED PROSPECTUS.
During the past twenty years, and indeed ever since it became generally known that Mr. Gladstone was in the habit of wielding an axe, a steady flow of letters has ceaselessly poured into Hawarden Castle from all parts of the world, asking for chips and blocks of wood cut from the timber felled by the right honourable gentleman.
At first these demands were complied with so far as it was possible to do so, but as the Irish Question surged to the front, and Mr. Gladstone’s popularity with the civilised world increased, it became hopeless to deal with the applications, which have accumulated to such an extent that the paper on which the applications are written has been weighed out of curiosity, and is found to weigh 4 tons 17 cwt. 3 qrs. 17 lbs.
Some fortnight or so ago Mr. Gladstone announced through the press that in future, blocks from timber cut down by his hand would only be supplied on receipt of a postal order for three shillings.
He did this in the hope that it would deter his numerous correspondents, instead of which they have increased twenty-fold. Under the circumstances, it occurred to Mr. Gladstone that by the erection of large and commodious saw mills the demand might be dealt with and a lucrative industry started without any very large outlay.
Mr. Gladstone, whose great name is the sole origin of the business, and who is henceforward, called the vendor, can cut down three medium-sized trees per diem. These trees will yield an average of 7,000 blocks, which, sold at 3s., means a daily sale of
| £ 1,050 | ||
| 300 | working days | |
| £315,000 | ||
| Deduct cost of 900 trees, say £10 | 9,000 | |
| £306,000 | ||
| Erection of saw mills and 12 months’ labour of 100 men at 25s. per week | 10,000 | |
| £296,000 | Profit on first year’s operations. | |
It is perfectly obvious that the public demand is so great that the entire estate can be disafforested at an enormous profit, the price of three shillings per cubic foot block being as nearly as possible 30 times the normal value of the timber.
As the only drawback to the success of the undertaking is the illness, or, it may be, possible demise of the vendor, his life will be insured as a first preliminary for £100,000, being the entire capital of the company.
It is not anticipated that it will be necessary to call up more than the allotment money, as it is calculated when the premium has been paid on the vendor’s life, and the stipulated price for the goodwill (£25,000) has been handed over to the vendor, there will still remain sufficient in hand to erect the necessary saw mills and machinery.
The following contract has been entered into: An agreement dated the 23rd day of October, 1887, and made between William Ewart Gladstone of the one part, and Archibald Philip Primrose, Earl of Rosebery, on behalf of the company, of the other part.
Copies of the agreement of purchase, valuers’ certificates, and memorandum and articles of association may be inspected at the offices of the company, or of the bankers.
Scarcely a week passes but what Mr. Gladstone appears as the central figure in Judy’s political cartoon; Judy has also published (separately) some burlesque Company prospectuses, one in 1885 was entitled “W. E. Gladstone & Co., Limited,” with a capital of One Million in £10 Shares. The proposed Directorate included the following names: The Rt. Hon. W. E. G. Chairman. Mr. H. Childish. Sir Veneer Half-caste. The Earl Gumboil. The Earl Drowsy. Marquis of Heart-in-Mouth. Joseph Chimneypot, Esq. (of the Birmingham Affidavit Manufacturing Company), and Sir. C. Bilke.
A long list was given of the objects to be achieved by the Company, all of which were represented as being nefarious and unpatriotic, such being the usual and natural assertion of each political party with regard to the actions of the other.
Another publication issued from the Judy office, dated November 1, 1885, and sold for threepence, was a legal looking paper, endorsed The Last Will and Testament of William Ewart Gladstone. This was not a very witty production, the most notable clauses it contains are those in which Mr. Gladstone appoints Joseph Chamberlain and Bottomley Firth as his executors; the bequest to Lord Randolph Churchill “of twelve pence sterling to the end he may therewith buy a rope of hemp and go hang himself;” to the Sublime Porte of “a complete file of Newspapers containing all my speeches on the Bulgarian Atrocities;” and to Sir Charles Dilke “my Law treatise containing chapters on Decrees Nisi.”
There are three Codicils to this will, all in very involved and complicated language, and each one contradictory to the others. This production had a large sale.
——:o:——
In October, 1879, The Examiner published an amusing series of imaginary letters supposed to pass between the leaders of both the great political parties, and their followers. The following three are selected as examples:—
Lord Salisbury to Lord Beaconsfield.
Dieppe, Oct. 10.
My Dear Beaconsfield,—I saw Waddington two days ago. His bewilderment when I frankly told him that we had no Greek policy would have been amusing, had it not led to a long and troublesome remonstrance from him. It appears that he thought we were in earnest at Berlin. Of course I hastened to undeceive him, and to point out that our only object at the Congress was to quiet the people at home, and arrange with the Russians abroad. However, I satisfied him at last by telling him he may do as he pleases in Egypt.
By the way, I shall be speaking in a few days; I suppose you have nothing to suggest. Grant Duff must be smashed, and we must take what credit we can get out of Afghanistan. But as Hartington is still, and Gladstone keeps out of the way, I am afraid I shall have to tilt against egg-shells—for Harcourt is nobody.—Yours ever,
Salisbury.
Have you heard of Derby’s latest move?
Lord Beaconsfield to Lord Salisbury.
Hughenden Manor, Oct. 13.
My Dear Salisbury,—Waddington does not quite know us yet, or he would not have been surprised. If he is satisfied, however, with our Egyptian plans, we will not trouble any longer about him.
Your speech should be of great service. Harcourt may, as you say, be dismissed very shortly—the impulsive imagination of his immature intellect needs little comment from you. Hartington is in a difficulty. The Home Rulers, on one hand, and the Disestablishment section on the other, are too many for him. Can you not hint at the various nature of the forces he leads—aëronauts, somnambulists, monomaniacs, misanthropes, and nomads? As for Gladstone, it seems to me that he might be ferreted out. The perennial perplexities of a pedagogic mind have driven him once more to silence. Before he can present himself in Midlothian, he must decide upon which conviction he will follow. A word to that effect from you might reach him.
As for your audience, we trust to the generous judgment of a judicial race. Leave the policy in that fashion. It will flatter them.—Believe me, ever yours,
Beaconsfield.
Sir Stafford Northcote to Lord Beaconsfield.
Dublin, Oct. 12.
My Dear Lord Beaconsfield,—I trust you will have seen that I implicitly followed your instructions. I have spoken for hours, and said absolutely nothing; received scores of persons, and let them talk, too, without expressing the slightest opinion; and the result is that I am most popular. Their idea seemed to be that I was preparing some scheme for the relief of distress, and as they were pleased with that notion, I was of course careful not to destroy it. On the whole, I have neither compromised the Government nor myself, which is saying something.—Ever yours,
S. Northcote.
This last letter refers to Irish affairs, which have given rise to many political skits; one of the most important of these was a pamphlet, published in 1886, by Reeves and Turner, entitled “Opening and Proceedings of the Irish Parliament. Two Visions.” The author, Mr. G. H. Moore, thus describes the plan of his little work:—“In the following pages you are presented with two forecasts of the proceedings of the proposed Irish Parliament, taken from different standpoints. They are intended to illustrate the conflicting opinions entertained of the future, should Mr. Gladstone’s Irish Bills pass into law.
The exaggerated fears and gloomy mistrust of the opponents of the measures are ludicrously drawn in one picture; and in the other, the serious hopes and the brighter anticipations of the promoters and supporters of the measures are assumed to have been realised.”
Articles based on the same idea, appeared in the Topical Times in July 1886, entitled “The Dublin Parliament. A Forecast,” describing the scenes of joy and enthusiasm in the Irish capital on the first assembling of a National Parliament.
THE OMNIBUS.
It is just sixty years ago since this convenient vehicle was introduced into our streets by Mr. J. Shillibeer. The first Omnibus ran from the Yorkshire Stingo in the New Road, to the Bank of England, and the fare was one shilling. The speculation succeeded at once, and the omnibus traffic in London has been rapidly increasing ever since. The following parody on Barry Cornwall’s The Sea! The Sea! is taken from Mr. Hindley’s reprint of Egan’s “Life in London.”
The ’Buss! the ’Buss! the Omnibus!
That welcomes all without a fuss;
And wafts us on with joyous sound,
Through crowded streets on our busy round;
Reckless of cold and gloomy skies,
Or the driving storm as it downward flies:
Stow’d snug in thee! stow’d snug in thee!
I am where I would wish to be.
While the rain above and the mud below
Affect me not where’er I go—
Though the sleet and the slush be ankle deep,
What matters while I can ride so cheap?
What matters? etc.
I love, oh how I love to ride,
In cosy converse side by side,
With some sweet sly enchanting one,
Who lets her little ’larum run
Till scarcely can the listener know
If that or time more swiftly go!
Henceforth I know the terrible bore
Of “padding the hoof” no more, no more;
But back to this seat I so oft have press’d
I’ll spring to be wafted the while I rest:
For thou, dear ’Buss! art a home to me,
While I am snugly seated in thee,
While I am, etc.
The original of this song, with other parodies on it, will be found on p. 204, Vol. 4 of this collection.
——:o:——
On [page 106] a splendid parody was given of “The House that Jack Built,” entitled The Domicile Erected by John. A correspondent pointed out that this was written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard, and on consulting his famous Drury-Lane Annuals, it was discovered as a preface to the Pantomime for 1861-62, styled “Harlequin and the House that Jack built.” Mr. Blanchard’s poem is not quite so long as the version given in Parodies, some ingenious person having undertaken to add to, and improve upon Mr. Blanchard’s work.
LITERARY FORGERIES AND IMPOSTURES.
Although literary forgeries have undoubtedly some relationship with Parodies, it is of so distant a nature that, even were space available, they could not be dealt with at any length in this Collection. A brief summary of the principal Impostures must therefore suffice, those who wish to learn the details are referred to an interesting little work, entitled Famous Literary Impostures, by H. R. Montgomery. London. E. W. Allen. No date.
(Why do Publishers omit dates?)
Mr. Montgomery’s chapters deal with Thomas Chatterton and the Rowley poems; James Macpherson’s Poems of Ossian; Samuel W. H. Ireland’s Vortigern, and other Shakespearian Forgeries; George Psalmanazar and the Formosa Imposture; and the Bentley and Boyle controversy as to the Epistles of Phalaris.
Of course had Mr. Montgomery chosen to enlarge his work, he might have made some amusing chapters out of William Lander’s attempt to prove Milton a plagiarist and an impostor; of the Squire letters which deceived Thomas Carlyle; the Shapira M.S.S. which deceived some clever Egyptologists and Antiquarians; the Vrain-Lucas letters which deceived M. Michel Chasles, an eminent French Mathematician; the Shelley forgeries which deceived Robert Browning; and the Donnelly cryptogram which has deceived no one having any knowledge of the life and works of Shakespeare.
In Isaac D’Israeli’s Curiosities of Literature there is a short chapter on this topic, principally devoted to instances amongst ancient and foreign writers, with a few remarks about Psalmanazar and William Lander.
There is also some information to be found in a chapter, called “Supposition d’Auteurs,” in Curiosités Littéraires, par Ludovic Lalanne. Paris, Adolphe Delahays, 1857. This also deals principally with the works of foreign literary Impostors. But by far the most important and most reliable work on the subject is that written by the late M. Octave Delepierre, entitled “Supercheries Littéraires, Pastiches, Suppositions d’Auteur, dans les lettres et dans les Arts.” London, N. Trubner & Co. 1872. Only 200 copies of this valuable work were issued, it is consequently very difficult to procure. Most literary frauds have been exposed, and not a few of the forgers have been punished. Chatterton and Shapira committed suicide, and Vrain-Lucas was sent to prison for two years, and fined 500 francs.
A writer in the Daily News (July 17, 1886) observed: “The motives of the Literary Forger seem obscure to plain people. He has nothing to gain by it all, they say; he does not make money, like the forger of a cheque; he can seldom sell his forgery to advantage, as the latest biblical forger, Shapira, of the sham manuscript gospel, discovered. He merely poisons the very wells of history and throws doubt on all original “sources.” People who reason thus forget that every artist takes joy in his art, and that all art is imitation. The art of the forger is to imitate ancient manuscripts and inscriptions. L’Art pour l’art is his motto. He revels in his own cleverness and power of deceiving others. This is his reward. Thus a famous French archæologist, now dead, took in his own father with some sham Greek inscriptions. Thus William Ireland went on writing Shakespearian autographs, and even Shakespearian manuscript plays, chiefly to satisfy the most tricky sense of humour, and delight in the absurdities of learned men. Probably enough Joe Smith began his Mormon Bible with no serious thought of founding a religion, but merely, as other literary forgers used, for the fun of the thing. Sooner or later these things are found out. They amuse the learned, and no great harm is done. But perhaps the jester Rabelais did not see the jest when he was beguiled into publishing, with grave and learned notes, a classical manuscript which was really the work of two of his contemporaries. These clever ghosts must chuckle still over the trick they played the author of “Pantagruel.” A meaner joke was passed on Meursius, whose respectable name is inextricably associated with a peculiarly abominable Latin work, attributed to him by its actual author, who thus gratified a spite of long standing. Literary forgers are the very Pucks of letters, and all honest men will hope they find their deserts in a Hades of their own.”
