Life’s Hard Course
This bit of filosophy is as old as the hills, but like good liquor and fruits of human thought, it grows more rich and mellow with age. Its quaintness is its virtue, and so here it is again.
Man comes into this world without his consent, and leaves it against his will. During his stay on earth his time is spent in one continual round of contraries and misunderstandings.
In his infancy, he’s an angel; in his boyhood, he’s a devil, and in his manhood, he is everything from a lizard up. In his duties, he’s a damphool.
If he raises a family, he’s a chump. If he raises a check, he’s a crook. If he is a poor man, he is a poor manager and has no sense. If he is rich, he is dishonest but considered smart. If he is in politics he is a grafter and a thief. If he is out of politics, you cannot place him as he is an undesirable citizen. If he donates to foreign missions, he does it for show; if he doesn’t, he is stingy and a tightwad.
When he comes into the world, they all want to kiss him; before he leaves it, they all want to kick him.
If he dies young, there was a great future before him. If he lives to a ripe, old age, he is only in the way, just living to save funeral expenses. So Life is just one damn thing after another.
* * *
Everything has gone down except paper and envelopes. They are stationery.
Adventures of Sven
Dere Uncle Billy: Since Ay writing you las time Ay bane having swell time acting in moving pictures. Las week Ay working in Sex picture in Hollywood Studyo and we got one big scene where leading man be banker faller and git fresh with hired girl while him’s wife bane gone out to week-end party. Ayskol be butler with short tail coat and gold buttons made of brass. When somebody kome in Ayskol stand by door and take him’s card on pie-plate. Director he say, “Sven, when banker git fresh you skol yump in an’ poke him’s nose yust like real life with plenty pep.” Banker git fresh alright an’ you bet Ay show Director Ay am dam gude actor. Ay poke leading man so he don’t wake up till half past sax an’ dey don’t finish scene till next week. Leading man he git sore on me an’ try to git me fired but Ayskol told him if he enta shut up Ay poke him ’gain so he keep still an’ Ay don’t lose may Yob.
Week behind las’ Ay playing in cave-man picture with whiskers glued on may face so Ay look like Smith Bros. on cough drop box. They got real elephant from Universal City an’ glue whiskers all over him too, so he skol be a baskardon. We go out in woods with a lot of other animals an’ monkey ’round all day yumping in and out hole in hill some fallers dig for cave.
Ay meet rich woman that say she skol star me yust so soon her husband go to Seattle. She gat big lemonzine an’ diamonds an’ she shake her shimmy when she walking. She bane gude skout all right, you bat my life, an’ she say Ay gat fine fizzic. She like strong faller an’ she like me be strong for her. Ay bat your life Ay gitting new suit from Foreman Clark an’ silk shirt with blue stripe. She standing in gude with assistant Director an’ git me gude Yobs right long. Ay meet four more Swedes here in pictures an’ they take me to place one night they call wild party an’ Ay drink some coctaila made out of prune yuice and Skloan’s Liniment. When Ay got more news Ay skol let you know right off. Moving picture game bane gude bet for faller with plenty pep.
Goodby,
SVENS PETERSON.
Post Chips: If you see may brother Olaf tole him Ay say bootleg business bane pretty gude out here yust now an’ if he want to kom out Ay skol git him in on ground floor.—S. P.
* * *