MIXED NOTIONS.
No. VI.—REGISTRATION REFORM.
(Scene and Persons as Usual.)
First Well-Informed Man (bristling with indignation, as he lays down his newspaper). Well, I'm dashed!
Inquirer (nervously). What's up?
First W. I. M. What's up! Everything's up. Up the spout, that's where this blessed country will be if this kind of thing's going on.
Inquirer. What kind of thing?
First W. I. M. Why, all this gerrymandering kind of business.
Inquirer. Oh, by the way, that reminds me. I came on that word the other day. Can any of you chaps tell me what it means?
First W. I. M. It's as plain as a pikestaff. It means playing ducks and drakes with things all round, and letting the whole business go thoroughly rotten.
Inquirer. Has it got anything to do with jerry-builders?
First W. I. M. It's the same thing precisely.
Inquirer (insisting). But what's the point of calling 'em jerry? Where does that come in?
First W. I. M. It's a French word.
Second W. I. M. It isn't. It's German.
First W. I. M. Bosh, it's French.
Second W. I. M. I bet you a dollar it's German.
First W. I. M. And I bet you a dollar it's French. (To Average Man.) Here, you decide. Which is it?
Average Man. Well, I'm sure it isn't French——
Second W. I. M. (interrupting). Of course it isn't. Pay up, my boy!
Average Man (continuing). But, on the other hand, it isn't German.
First W. I. M. Oh, rot! It must be one or the other, you know. (Scornfully.) You'll be telling us it's Greek next.
Average Man. Well, of course, it might be; but, as a matter of fact, I fancy it's English.
First W. I. M., Second W. I. M. (together). Oh, you tell that to the Marines! It won't wash here.
Inquirer (doubtfully). Perhaps it's American.
Average Man (resignedly). Well I daresay it is. Any way, you can have it so if you like, It may be Sanskrit for all I care.
[Retires to his paper. A pause.
Inquirer (to First W. I. M.). But, look here, what made you lose your hair, just now? You looked as angry as blazes about something.
First W. I. M. (with dignity). Did I? Well, isn't it enough to make anybody, who loves his country, angry when he sees what's going on. Why, the Government's going to turn everything inside out, with some blessed new law about elections. Registration Bill, they call it, or something of that sort. Just as if we hadn't had enough tinkering and pottering lately. It's all through this confounded County Council interfering with everything.
Second W. I. M. (aggressive). What the dickens has the County Council got to do with it? You're always dropping on the County Council.
First W. I. M. Oh, they've got their finger in every pie. I'm pretty certain this is their job.
Second W. I. M. Well, you're wrong this time, that's all. You're thinking of the Employers' Liability Bill.
First W. I. M. No, I'm not. I never even heard of it. So that's where you're wrong. What has the Employers' Liabill got——I mean the Employers' (steadily, and with determination) Li-a-bil-ity Bill got to do with the County Council?
Second W. I. M. Everything. Didn't you read John Burns's speech about it?
First W. I. M. No—and I don't mean to. Ask me another.
Second W. I. M. All right—I will. Do you mean to deny that our present Registration System is a ridiculous one?
First W. I. M. (hotly). Yes, I do.
Second W. I. M. (with triumph). Ah, I've got you now. You said, only yesterday, that any system by which a Government like this got into power must be ridiculous. (To Inquirer.) Didn't he?
Inquirer (hesitating). Well, I'm not quite sure. I rather fancy he did say something of that kind. But—(deprecatingly)—perhaps he meant something else.
First W. I. M. No, I didn't. I meant what I said—and I stick to it. But that isn't the same thing as the Registration System.
Second W. I. M. Perhaps you'll tell us, then, what the Registration System is?
Inquirer (eagerly). Yes, do. I should like to get to the bottom of it, because I'm constantly meeting a sort of third cousin of mine, who's a Registrar of something or other, and I never quite know what he does. All I know is, that he isn't a Registrar in Bankruptcy.
First W. I. M. Let me see—how can I put it shortly? It's just this—you chaps have got votes.
Inquirer (decisively). No, I haven't.
First W. I. M. (put out). Ah, but you ought to have.
Second W. I. M. (cutting in). There you are again. That's just what I've been saying all along. He ought to have—but he hasn't; so where's your beautiful system now?
First W. I. M. (retreating strategically). I never said it was perfect, did I? But I'll come to that afterwards. (To Inquirer.) Now why haven't you got a vote?
Inquirer (with a painful sense of inferiority). I'm sure I don't know. I suppose the old Johnny, whoever he is, didn't chalk me down when he went round last time.
First W. I. M. Probably you haven't lived in your house long enough. You haven't got a qualifying period.
Inquirer. Haven't I? How long ought I to have lived there?
First W. I. M. (vaguely). Oh, it's something between three and four years. I can't tell you the exact number; they alter it every year.
Second W. I. M. Who alter it?
First W. I. M. The Revising Barristers, or somebody.
Second W. I. M. Well, my brother-in-law's a Revising Barrister, and I never heard of him doing that.
First W. I. M. (sarcastic). But you don't suppose he'd tell you everything he does, do you?
Inquirer. But I've lived in my house six years.
First W. I. M. Ah! but aren't you a lodger?
Second W. I. M. What's the odds if he is? My brother's a lodger, and I know he's got a vote.
First W. I. M. But that's a different franchise altogether.
Second W. I. M. How do you mean? They're both lodgers.
First W. I. M. But they don't live in the same district. Perhaps they don't give him a latch-key.
Inquirer (producing it). Yes they do. Here it is. (Chuckles.) I think I jolly well see myself without a latch-key. But, I say, about this vote. I don't half like not having got one. What shall I do about it?
First W. I. M. You'd better see somebody about it.
Inquirer. Somebody was talking about Leasehold Franchise the other day. Perhaps I could get in on that.
First W. I. M. Ah! I daresay that might help you. [Terminus.
