No. VIII.—THE BOAT-RACE.
Inquirer. Are any of you chaps going to the Boat-Race?
First Well-Informed Man. No, I shan't. Everybody knows which is going to win, so there's deuced little interest in the race; and then you can always read it on the tape at your Club. Besides, I don't care much about rowing. It's a silly sort of exercise; anybody can do it.
Second W. I. M. Have you ever tried?
First W. I. M. (indignantly). Have I ever tried? Of course I have. Why, you were with me last Summer when we had that water-party from Taplow to Cookham.
Second W. I. M. Ah! but you didn't do much rowing then. You let me get all the blisters, and you just sat in the stern and steered us like a blessed corkscrew.
First W. I. M. Did I? I didn't remember that; but I do remember you catching about half-a-dozen crabs one after another.
Second W. I. M. True enough I caught one, but that was because you would keep standing up in the boat, and moving your body backwards and forwards. I suppose you thought the coxswains do that in their racing-boats?
First W. I. M. (boldly). They do. I've seen 'em doing it often.
Second W. I. M. Why, I thought you'd never seen the crews at all.
First W. I. M. Bosh! I never said anything of the kind. I'm not going to see the race this year, but I've often seen 'em practising down at Putney. Everybody knows the coxswains have to stand up. How do you suppose they could see to steer if they didn't? So where are you now, with all your accurate information, eh?
Second W. I. M. I'm where I was before, and I know I'm right, because my brother-in-law had a cousin who was at school with one of the Coxes about ten years ago. [A pause.
Inquirer (looking up from his sporting paper). I say, I thought the crews rowed in racing-boats.
First W. I. M. So they do.
Inquirer. Well, then, what does this mean? (Reads.) "Both yesterday and to-day Cambridge rowed with a bucket. They must improve this if they want to win."
First W. I. M. (smiling). My dear fellow, they call their big practising-boat a bucket.
Second W. I. M. No, they don't—they call it a tub.
First W. I. M. Well, tub or bucket, it's the same thing. (To Inquirer.) What you read just now means that their practising-boat has gone rotten, and they'll have to mend her up a bit.
Inquirer (dubiously). But they don't row the race in a tub or a bucket, do they?
Second W. I. M. No, they row in a Clinker-Clasper.
Inquirer. What the deuce is that?
Second W. I. M. (plunging). Oh, it's a specially fast kind of racing-boat, built by Clinker and Clasper. They're a firm of boat-builders—I thought everybody knew that.
Inquirer. But then, what does this paper mean by saying that Oxford are rowing in a Rough?
Second W. I. M. Why it means that their boat isn't so smooth as that of Cambridge.
Inquirer (puzzled). But then it goes on to say that "She is as fine a specimen of a racing-craft as this eminent boat-builder has ever turned out." How can she be that, if she isn't as smooth as the Cambridge boat? Besides, who's "this eminent boat-builder?"
Average Man. Rough.
Second W. I. M. Rot!
Average Man. Rough, not Rot. Rough's his name.
Second W. I. M. Let me see the paper. (He reads, and addresses the Inquirer.) Why didn't you say the word was printed with a capital R? (To Average Man.) Perhaps you're right, after all; but I know some boats are rougher than others. [A pause.
Inquirer. What's the difference between First Trinity and Third Trinity? Three of the Cambridge men are from First Trinity, and two from Third Trinity, besides the Cox.
First W. I. M. What's your difficulty? First is first, and Third's third, all the world over. Don't you see, the First Trinity men come first in the crew, and then the Third Trinity men.
Inquirer. But why don't some of 'em call themselves Second Trinity men?
First W. I. M. Oh, that's one of their silly bits of College etiquette. These chaps at the Universities are never happy unless they do things quite differently from all the rest of the world.
Inquirer. This beastly paper says, "the Cambridge stroke rowed much longer to-day."
First W. I. M. Well, what then?
Inquirer. Oh! nothing; only I thought they all rowed exactly the same distance when they're practising; so I don't quite see how any of 'em could have rowed longer than the rest.
First W. I. M. I daresay they made him row a good bit by himself; they often do that to give the stroke some extra practice. He wants it more than any of the rest.
Second W. I. M. Why?
First W. I. M. Oh, ah—well, because he's got to set the stroke for the others, or something of that sort.
Inquirer. How far do they row in the race?
Second W. I. M. About six miles or so.
Inquirer. By Jove, then, how on earth do they manage to get over all that distance with so few strokes. (Refers to paper.) It says, "Oxford rowed 37 all the way, while Cambridge contented themselves with a well-pulled 35." (With a happy inspiration.) If Cambridge can do it in 35 strokes, while Oxford take 37, it looks jolly like Cambridge winning by two strokes, don't it?
First W. I. M. All right; I'll lay you the odds on Oxford.
Second W. I. M. Good, I'll take 'em to five pounds. Oxford can't win.
First W. I. M. (confidently). Cambridge can't win. Anyway, I'll lay you ten pounds to five.
Inquirer. I should like to have a bet with somebody.
Average Man. You'd better write to one of the Presidents of the University-Boat Clubs. They're always ready to oblige a keen fellow like you with a bet.
Inquirer. Of course. That's my best plan. I'll write to-day.
[Terminus.